Relationships: What's the Difference Between Stonewalling and the Silent Treatment?

I wrote about stonewalling in a prior article (see my article: Are You a Stonewaller?).

In the current article I'm focusing on the difference between stonewalling and the silent treatment.

What is the Difference Between Stonewalling and the Silent Treatment?

Although stonewalling and the silent treatment might appear to be similar, they are different in certain key aspects as outlined below.

Stonewalling and the silent treatment are both forms of unhealthy communication. They both involve communication patterns where a person withdraws from a conversation (see my article: Understanding a Partner Who Withdraws Emotionally).

Stonewalling vs the Silent Treatment

Stonewalling usually occurs when one person feels overwhelmed and withdraws from the conversation.

The silent treatment is a form of emotional abuse where one person deliberately ignores, avoids or withdraws from communication to punish, control or manipulate the other person.

Here are the key differences between stonewalling and the silent treatment:

• Intent
• Duration
• Impact

Stonewalling

• Intent: To avoid conflict and feeling emotionally overwhelmed

• Behavior: Turning away, avoiding eye contact, shutting down the conversation or giving non-committal responses

• Duration: Usually temporary--lasting until the person no longer feels overwhelmed

Silent Treatment

• Intent: To punish, control or manipulate the other person

• Behavior: Prolonged withdrawal from communication, often accompanied by ignoring, avoiding or giving cold or hostile responses

• Duration: Lasting hours, days, weeks or more

The Key Differences

• Intent: Stonewalling is a defensive reaction whereas the silent treatment is intentional.

• Purpose: Stonewalling is aimed at avoiding conflict and the silent treatment is used to inflict emotional pain, gain power or manipulate.

• Duration: Stonewalling is usually temporary and the silent treatment can be prolonged.

• Impact: Stonewalling can damage a relationship by creating emotional distance and mistrust, while the silent treatment, which is intentional, can cause significant emotional distress to the person being ignored and potentially ruin or end a relationship.

An Example of Stonewalling

Whenever John and Alice got into an argument, John would feel so overwhelmed he would turn away and go into another room to calm himself. But since he didn't tell Alice that he felt overwhelmed, she would pursue him into the other room to continue the argument. This only made John feel even more overwhelmed so that he would withdrew even further, which angered Alice even more so she would try harder to get him to talk (see my article: Understanding a Partner Who Pursues Emotionally).

Stonewalling

As his feelings of overwhelm escalated, John would leave the house and to go for a walk. After he calmed down, he came back and told Alice he was ready to resume their conversation. By then, Alice had calmed down too, so they were able to have a calm discussion. After several months of this communication pattern, Alice insisted that they go to couples therapy to learn how to communicate in a healthy way. In couples therapy John learned that he would stonewall because he felt too overwhelmed to speak, which helped Alice to feel empathetic. Alice learned she had a fear of being abandoned, which made her pursue John. Over time, they learned how to communicate in a healthier way in couples therapy.

An Example of the Silent Treatment

Alex was hurt and angry when Sara said she was going out with her friends on a Sunday afternoon instead of spending time with him. Even though she had told him in advance that she and her friends planned to have brunch to celebrate one of her friend's birthdays, Alex felt that she was putting her friends above him. On most mornings Sara and Alex would sit and talk together in the kitchen and have coffee together. So, when Sara noticed that Alex didn't come into the kitchen at the usual time, she looked for him and she found him in the living room playing a game on his phone. Alex saw Sara come into the living room, but he ignored her and he didn't look up when she tried to talk to him. He sat in stony silence looking hurt and angry.

The Silent Treatment

No matter what she said, Sara couldn't get his attention so she got dressed to meet her friends. As she was leaving, she said goodbye to Alex, but he didn't respond. During her brunch with friends, Sara texted Alex to say she understood he felt hurt and she wanted to talk about it when she got home. But Alex ignored Sara's texts. He continued to ignore Sara for the next week, which was painful for her. Whenever she tried to initiate a conversation, he walked out of the room. Finally, at her wit's end, Sara gave Alex an ultimatum: Either he agree to attend couples therapy with her or he would move out her apartment. After another week of the silent treatment, Sara packed Alex's things, changed the locks and put his belongings on her doorstep.  Two weeks later, Alex called Sara reluctantly and told her he would attend couples therapy. Their couples therapist recommended that they both attend individual therapy. Alex learned in couples therapy that he used the silent treatment because he didn't know how to communicate his emotions and he wanted to punish Sara. The work in couples therapy was neither quick nor easy but, over time, Sara and Alex learned to communicate more effectively. Alex also realized in his individual therapy that he learned to give the silent treatment by observing his parents when he was a child. They would go days and weeks without talking to each other. Alex made a promise to himself and to Sara that he didn't want to repeat the mistakes his parents made in their relationship.

Summary

Both stonewalling and the silent treatment are unhealthy ways of communicating, but their intent, purpose and duration are different. 

Stonewalling is a maladaptive way of trying to cope with feeling emotionally overwhelmed.

The silent treatment, which is a form of emotional abuse, is used to inflict emotional pain, try to gain power or manipulate a partner.

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

Whether one or both of you engage in stonewalling or the silent treatment, you could both benefit from getting help in couples therapy (see my article: Tips on How to Get the Most Out of Couples Therapy).

Get Help in Couples Therapy

Rather than continuing to damage your relationship, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who can help you to overcome your communication problems so you can have a more fulfilling relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Improving Communication in Your Relationship: How to Stop Stonewalling

I've discussed stonewalling in prior articles as part of a series on how couples can improve communication in their relationship.

See My Prior Articles: 

Relationships: Are You a Stonewaller?

Improving Communication in Your Relationship By Eliminating the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse

Improving Communication in Your Relationship: How to Change a Pattern of Defensive Behavior

How to Stop "Kitchen Sinking" Your Partner

What's the Difference Between Complaining and Criticizing?

What is Stonewalling?

As a quick review: Stonewalling involves shutting down and withdrawing from a conflict or conversation.

Stonewalling in a Relationship

Stonewalling can be intentional or unintentional. A lot of times it's unintentional (see the section below: Why Do People Engage in Stonewalling?).

It doesn't only involve physically removing yourself from the discussion.  You can remain with your partner and still engage in stonewalling by shutting down emotionally, mentally and physically.

Why Do People Engage in Stonewalling?

As mentioned above, stonewalling can be intentional or unintentional.

Although it might seem that you are engaging in stonewalling as a way to annoy each other, unintentional stonewalling often occurs because one or both partners are overwhelmed.

Stonewalling in a Relationship

When someone is flooded with emotion, they might withdraw emotionally, mentally and energetically because the experience is too much.  

On the surface, they might appear calm, but the internal experience is usually one of emotional overwhelm.

So, if either of you are overwhelmed, there's no sense in continuing with the conversation by insisting that the overwhelmed partner continue to talk. 

It's better to take a break and return to the conversation once both of you are emotionally regulated.

What is the Difference Between Verbal and Nonverbal Stonewalling?

Verbal stonewalling can involve:

• Giving your partner the "silent treatment"
• Responding to your partner with one word or two word answers
• Changing the subject
• Being dismissive
• Being accusatory
• Responding with an aggressive tone to end the conversation

Nonverbal stonewalling can involve:

• Walking away
• Eye rolling, which is a form of contempt towards your partner
• Distracting yourself with your phone as a conscious or unconscious attempt to distract yourself or end the conversation

Why is a Pattern of Stonewalling Damaging to a Relationship?

It's not unusual for couples to engage in occasional stonewalling, especially if one or both of them are overwhelmed by the conversation. But a pattern of stonewalling in a relationship is another matter.

A pattern of stonewalling is damaging because: 

• Problems don't get resolved.
• The partner who is trying to discuss the problem can feel disrespected.
• A pattern of stonewalling can create distance between partners over time which usually has a negative effect on emotional and sexual intimacy.

How to Stop Stonewalling

If you're the one who tends to stonewall, you can learn to stop this destructive pattern by:

• Becoming Aware of Your Emotional, Physical or Mental State in the Moment: Ideally, become aware that you're about to physically, emotionally and/or mentally withdraw before you stonewall. Initially, it might be hard to recognize the physical, emotional or mental cues, so you might start by recognizing you're doing it while you're doing it or your partner points it out to you. Then, as the next step in developing your awareness, you can work on recognizing it before you stonewall. 

• Communicating With Your Partner: Instead of stonewalling, tell your partner what's happening for you in the moment.  You can say something as simple as, "I feel myself shutting down and I need a break. We can resume talking about this in an hour" or "I'm getting overwhelmed. Can we take a break and resume this in half an hour?" (or however much time you might need).  Make sure you don't leave your partner hanging without letting them know that you need a break.

Practice Emotional Self Regulation

• Taking Steps to Practice Emotional Self Regulation: You might be angry or sad about what your partner is communicating to you. It's okay to have your own feelings about what's happening, but you need to practice self regulation to manage your emotions in terms of how you respond to your partner. Aside from taking a break, this could also mean doing a breathing exercise, going for a walk (letting your partner know first) or doing what you need to do to practice healthy self regulation.

What to Do If You're the Partner Who is Being Stonewalled

Being stonewalled by your partner is an unpleasant experience (to say the least), especially if your partner does this frequently.

There are some things you can do to help yourself and your partner including:

• Allowing Yourself and Your Partner to Take a Break: If your partner says they need a break, respect that. Don't keep trying to engage your partner if it's clear they're overwhelmed. The situation will only get worse if you insist on your partner continuing to engage after they are overwhelmed. Also recognize your own signs of being overwhelmed because you might be so focused on making a point or getting your partner to listen to you that you don't recognize your own signs of being overwhelmed.  Don't keep talking to your partner as if you're both in a competition with each other.  

• Practicing Empathy and Compassion For Yourself and Your Partner: Sometimes when people are engaged in a conflict, they forget that they're arguing with the same person that they love. So, practice empathy and compassion for yourself and your partner. 

Get Help in Therapy

As mentioned above, a pattern of stonewalling can destroy a relationship.  

Even if a couple stays together, resentment can build up over time as problems remain unresolved and this can affect the couple emotionally and sexually.

Get Help in Therapy

Seek help in individual or couples therapy to work on issues involving stonewalling.  

A pattern of stonewalling can be rooted in your early history where you observed one or both of your parents engaging in stonewalling or you saw that their conflicts were not resolved.

In addition, you might not have learned how to regulate your emotions, which can make it challenging when you're in a heated discussion with your partner, but this is a skill you can learn.

A skilled individual or couples therapist can help you to overcome the problem of stonewalling so that you can have a more fulfilling relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

I provide both in person therapy in my Greenwich Village office or online therapy (as of this writing, due to licensing laws, if you want to do online therapy, you must be a resident of New York State, which is the state where I am licensed).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.