Relationships: What's the Difference Between Stonewalling and the Silent Treatment?

I wrote about stonewalling in a prior article (see my article: Are You a Stonewaller?).

In the current article I'm focusing on the difference between stonewalling and the silent treatment.

What is the Difference Between Stonewalling and the Silent Treatment?

Although stonewalling and the silent treatment might appear to be similar, they are different in certain key aspects as outlined below.

Stonewalling and the silent treatment are both forms of unhealthy communication. They both involve communication patterns where a person withdraws from a conversation (see my article: Understanding a Partner Who Withdraws Emotionally).

Stonewalling vs the Silent Treatment

Stonewalling usually occurs when one person feels overwhelmed and withdraws from the conversation.

The silent treatment is a form of emotional abuse where one person deliberately ignores, avoids or withdraws from communication to punish, control or manipulate the other person.

Here are the key differences between stonewalling and the silent treatment:

• Intent
• Duration
• Impact

Stonewalling

• Intent: To avoid conflict and feeling emotionally overwhelmed

• Behavior: Turning away, avoiding eye contact, shutting down the conversation or giving non-committal responses

• Duration: Usually temporary--lasting until the person no longer feels overwhelmed

Silent Treatment

• Intent: To punish, control or manipulate the other person

• Behavior: Prolonged withdrawal from communication, often accompanied by ignoring, avoiding or giving cold or hostile responses

• Duration: Lasting hours, days, weeks or more

The Key Differences

• Intent: Stonewalling is a defensive reaction whereas the silent treatment is intentional.

• Purpose: Stonewalling is aimed at avoiding conflict and the silent treatment is used to inflict emotional pain, gain power or manipulate.

• Duration: Stonewalling is usually temporary and the silent treatment can be prolonged.

• Impact: Stonewalling can damage a relationship by creating emotional distance and mistrust, while the silent treatment, which is intentional, can cause significant emotional distress to the person being ignored and potentially ruin or end a relationship.

An Example of Stonewalling

Whenever John and Alice got into an argument, John would feel so overwhelmed he would turn away and go into another room to calm himself. But since he didn't tell Alice that he felt overwhelmed, she would pursue him into the other room to continue the argument. This only made John feel even more overwhelmed so that he would withdrew even further, which angered Alice even more so she would try harder to get him to talk (see my article: Understanding a Partner Who Pursues Emotionally).

Stonewalling

As his feelings of overwhelm escalated, John would leave the house and to go for a walk. After he calmed down, he came back and told Alice he was ready to resume their conversation. By then, Alice had calmed down too, so they were able to have a calm discussion. After several months of this communication pattern, Alice insisted that they go to couples therapy to learn how to communicate in a healthy way. In couples therapy John learned that he would stonewall because he felt too overwhelmed to speak, which helped Alice to feel empathetic. Alice learned she had a fear of being abandoned, which made her pursue John. Over time, they learned how to communicate in a healthier way in couples therapy.

An Example of the Silent Treatment

Alex was hurt and angry when Sara said she was going out with her friends on a Sunday afternoon instead of spending time with him. Even though she had told him in advance that she and her friends planned to have brunch to celebrate one of her friend's birthdays, Alex felt that she was putting her friends above him. On most mornings Sara and Alex would sit and talk together in the kitchen and have coffee together. So, when Sara noticed that Alex didn't come into the kitchen at the usual time, she looked for him and she found him in the living room playing a game on his phone. Alex saw Sara come into the living room, but he ignored her and he didn't look up when she tried to talk to him. He sat in stony silence looking hurt and angry.

The Silent Treatment

No matter what she said, Sara couldn't get his attention so she got dressed to meet her friends. As she was leaving, she said goodbye to Alex, but he didn't respond. During her brunch with friends, Sara texted Alex to say she understood he felt hurt and she wanted to talk about it when she got home. But Alex ignored Sara's texts. He continued to ignore Sara for the next week, which was painful for her. Whenever she tried to initiate a conversation, he walked out of the room. Finally, at her wit's end, Sara gave Alex an ultimatum: Either he agree to attend couples therapy with her or he would move out her apartment. After another week of the silent treatment, Sara packed Alex's things, changed the locks and put his belongings on her doorstep.  Two weeks later, Alex called Sara reluctantly and told her he would attend couples therapy. Their couples therapist recommended that they both attend individual therapy. Alex learned in couples therapy that he used the silent treatment because he didn't know how to communicate his emotions and he wanted to punish Sara. The work in couples therapy was neither quick nor easy but, over time, Sara and Alex learned to communicate more effectively. Alex also realized in his individual therapy that he learned to give the silent treatment by observing his parents when he was a child. They would go days and weeks without talking to each other. Alex made a promise to himself and to Sara that he didn't want to repeat the mistakes his parents made in their relationship.

Summary

Both stonewalling and the silent treatment are unhealthy ways of communicating, but their intent, purpose and duration are different. 

Stonewalling is a maladaptive way of trying to cope with feeling emotionally overwhelmed.

The silent treatment, which is a form of emotional abuse, is used to inflict emotional pain, try to gain power or manipulate a partner.

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

Whether one or both of you engage in stonewalling or the silent treatment, you could both benefit from getting help in couples therapy (see my article: Tips on How to Get the Most Out of Couples Therapy).

Get Help in Couples Therapy

Rather than continuing to damage your relationship, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who can help you to overcome your communication problems so you can have a more fulfilling relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Improving Communication in Your Relationship: What's the Difference Between Complaining and Criticizing?

In an earlier article I discussed how to Improve Communication in Your Relationship By Eliminating the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.

If you haven't read that article, I suggest you click on the link above to read it.

Complaining vs Criticizing

As a brief recap, Dr. John Gottman, a world renown relationship expert and author, used the phrase "four horsemen of the apocalypse" to emphasize the destructiveness of these four ways of communicating which can destroy a relationship.

What Are the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse?

The four horsemen of the apocalypse include: 

• Criticism
• Contempt 
• Defensiveness
• Stonewalling

In the earlier article I discuss each one in detail.

In this article I'm focusing on the difference between a complaint and a criticism because people often confuse them with each other.  

I'm also discussing the destructiveness of contempt, how criticism can lead to contempt and how stonewalling affects a relationship.

What's the Difference Between a Complaint and a Criticism?

Whereas criticism is an attack on a person's character or personality, a complaint is about a person's behavior.

An Example of a Complaint:

"I felt hurt when you forgot my birthday."

Notice that the complaint focused on something that the other person did and how it made the partner complaining feel. It's usually about something that happened or is happening.  It's not a general attack on the other partner.

An Example of a Criticism:

"You're so insensitive and irresponsible to forget my birthday."

Complaining vs Criticizing

Notice that the criticism focused on the partner's character.  Also, the partner who is criticizing doesn't use an "I" message to reflect how they feel or how they were affected.  

An Example of a Complaint With Criticism:

People often combine complaints with criticism:

"I felt hurt when you forgot my birthday. You were so insensitive and irresponsible to forget my birthday."

In the example above where a complaint is combined with criticism, the person who is saying this to their partner undermines their message because their partner is likely to focus on the criticism of their character instead of the complaint.  This will often lead to a bigger argument where each person is criticizing the other.

Instead of addressing their partner's hurt feelings, the other partner will probably get defensive, which is also one of Dr. Gottman's four horsemen. This will lead the couple even farther astray.

What is Defensiveness?

Defensiveness is another one of the four horsemen described by Dr. Gottman.

Defensiveness usually involves becoming reactive without listening to what your partner is saying (see my article: Responding Instead of Reacting).

Defensiveness is a negative defense mechanism that people use when they want to deny, dismiss or deflect what their partner is saying.  

People who use defensiveness often use it when they feel unworthy because of their partner's complaint, criticism or contempt.

They might try to externalize the problem by blaming their partner, other people or other circumstances when they might really know they were at fault.

Sometimes people use defensive strategies when they're lying, trying to hide the truth or feeling guilty.

Whichever defensive strategy they use, they're not taking responsibility.

An Example of Defensiveness in Response to Criticism:

"I have a lot of things on my mind. You can't expect me to remember everything!"

Complaining vs Criticizing

This often leads couples to argue about who is shouldering more responsibility, who is busier, who is more giving, and so on.  

Instead of addressing the partner's hurt feelings about forgetting their birthday, they're escalating into other topics instead of addressing the current problem.  

This often reflects a couple's negative cycle in their relationship where they're unable to resolve problems.

How Can Criticism Lead to Contempt?

Contempt can be used without or without criticism.

When couples have a tendency to use criticism in their arguments, they can devolve into showing contempt for each other. 

According to Dr. Gottman, contempt is the worst of the four horsemen and, if it's a big part of a couple's communication pattern, contempt can destroy the relationship.

Complaining vs Contempt

Contempt is when you express scorn and convey you feel your partner is worthless and beneath your consideration.

If you show contempt for a partner, you're acting in a mean and disdainful way.

Contempt can be shown with words, a facial expression or a gesture.

Examples of contempt include:

• Mocking your partner
• Using sarcasm or hostile humor
• Treating your partner with disrespect
• Calling your partner names
• Mimicking your partner in a hostile way
• Rolling your eyes at them
• Sneering at them
• Conveying your moral, ethical or characterological superiority over your partner

When you show contempt, you're essentially telling your partner that you're better than them.

The reason why ongoing contempt can destroy a relationship is that it's usually fueled by long-standing negative thoughts and feelings about a partner and it can lead to more criticism and contempt.

As a result, conflicts aren't resolved.

What is Stonewalling?

Stonewalling is another one of the four horsemen described by Dr. Gottman.

Stonewalling

Stonewalling occurs when you and/or your partner withdraw from communicating with each other (see my article: Are You a Stonewaller?)

Stonewalling can include:

• Being unresponsive
• Giving the silent treatment
• Giving short answers during a discussion or argument
• Dismissing your partner's emotions or concerns
• Changing the subject
• Refusing to make eye contact 
• Refusing to answer questions
• Walking away
• Disconnecting emotionally from your partner (even if you're physically present)

Anyone can engage in stonewalling. 

Stonewalling often occurs when someone has an avoidant attachment style or someone tends to avoid conflict because it makes them feel too uncomfortable.

It occurs when someone either feels a general discomfort with talking about their emotions or they feel overwhelmed by a discussion or argument and they don't know how to say they need a break (or they don't know they need a break).

Based only on their outward appearance, someone who is stonewalling might appear like they're in a calm or neutral mood, but inside they're feeling emotionally overwhelmed.

Whether one or both people are criticizing, showing contempt or stonewalling, problems don't get resolved.  This can lead to a pile up of unresolved arguments and resentment over time.

In my next article, I'll focus on the problem of "kitchen sinking" during an argument, which means when one or both partners bring up unrelated grievances or past grievances during an argument.

Getting Help in Therapy

Many people find it challenging to communicate with their partner when they're angry or hurt without using criticism, contempt, defensiveness or stonewalling.

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

This is usually because they never learned to communicate effectively in a relationship.

If you and your partner are having communication problems, you could benefit from seeking help in couples therapy.

A skilled couples therapy can help you to learn how to communicate effectively with your partner so you can resolve problems in your relationship and have a more fulfilling relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.