What Are Gottman's 5 Types of Couples?

Dr. John Gottman, world renowned relationship expert, has conducted relationship research for over 40 years. He is best known for predicting marital stability and divorce. 

What Are the 5 Types of Couples?

If you're in a relationship, understanding Dr. Gottman's classification of couples can help you to understand your relationship dynamics.

Gottman's 5 Types of Couples

Based on his 40+ years of research, Dr. Gottman has described five different types of relationships. 

What Are the 5 Types of Relationships?

The first three described below are considered functional couples and the last two are considered  dysfunctional couples.

Here are the functional and dysfunctional classifications and below that I describe them in detail:

Functional Types of Couples:

• Conflict-Avoiding Couples
• Volatile Couples
• Validating Couples

Dysfunctional Types of Couples:

• Hostile Couples
• Hostile-Detached Couples

The 5 Types of Couples in Detail

Let's look at each category in more detail:

Conflict-Avoiding Couples

Conflict-avoiding couples prefer to focus on areas of their life where they are in mutual agreement.  They value their common ground.

They like to balance their independence as well as their interdependence in the relationship. They're more likely to have separate interests as well as interests they enjoy together (see my article: What's the Difference Between Codependency and Interdependency?).

As independent individuals in a relationship, they like to focus on areas where they overlap and where there is cooperation and negotiation.  

They tend to be empathetic towards each other.

They can be low key and emotionally muted. 

They're not comfortable trying to coerce their partner into doing things their way. They prefer to focus on areas where things are "good enough" between them.

Their positive to negative affect ratio is 5:1, which Gottman considers a healthy ratio.

There is a downside if there is too much conflict avoidance including:

• A withdrawal from conflict so conflicts remains unresolved
• Distance and breakdown in communication
• A buildup of frustration and resentment
• Stress and anxiety
• A buildup of distrust

Volatile Couples

Volatile couples tend to be the opposite of conflict avoidant couples.

These couples tend to be intensely emotional. They like to debate and argue--although they tend to be respectful and avoid insulting one another.

Their debating style tends to include humor and laughter (see my article: The Power of Humor and Laughter in Relationships).

During their arguments, they express anger and hurt feelings, but they tend not to express contempt for each other.

Even though they might argue a lot, they focus on honesty and connection in their communication.

Their positive to negative affect ratio is 5:1 which is a healthy ratio.

The downside of too much volatility in a relationship includes:

• Small slights can trigger larger arguments (see my article: How to Keep Small Arguments From Developing into Big Arguments).
• Too much volatility can lead to problems with communication if arguments go on for too long.
• Volatility can lead to hostility (see the description for Hostile Couples below)
• Too much volatility can lead to saying things each person doesn't mean and which can be hard to take back when each person is hurting.
• Ongoing volatility can create a sense of hopelessness.

Validating Couples

Validating couples tend to be somewhere between conflict avoidant couples and volatile couples.

Validating couples tend to be characterized by calm and ease (see my article: Responding to Your Partner With Emotional Attunement and Validation).

Validating Couples

They tend to be empathetic towards each other and place a lot of emphasis on being supportive and validating.  Basically, they go along to get along.

Although they are supportive of one another, they do confront their problems. However, they tend to choose their battles. 

When they have opposing views, they can confront the issues, but they tend to work at finding a solution they can both live with to resolve the problem. 

Overall, their mood is subdued and cordial.

In terms of positive to negative affect, they usually show a healthy 5:1 ratio.

The downside to too much validation in a relationship includes:

• Unhealthy validation could include overlooking problems which can prevent change and growth.
• A misinterpretation of validation as agreement rather than an attempt to understand one another even when there isn't agreement.
• Unhealthy validation can include an avoidance of conflict so that conflicts remain unresolved which can lead to each person feeling unhappy.

Hostile Couples

Hostile couples tend to have a lot of defensiveness.

Hostile couples tend to use the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse in their arguments including:

• Criticism
• Contempt
• Defensiveness
• Stonewalling
  

There tends to be a lack of empathy in hostile couples and a lot of emphasis on contempt.

They tend to focus on their own point of view with little to no attempt to try to understand their partner's side of the argument.

When they criticize each other, they tend to use exaggerated statements like "You always" and "You never."

They tend to have the same arguments over and over again without resolution. They also tend to have damaging arguments in front of their children.

Although they have frequent arguments, they also tend to regulate their arguments so that their arguments don't get out of control.

Many hostile couples can be intimacy avoidant. 

Even though they might be very unhappy in the relationship, they tend to stay together where they remain attached to the hostility between them.

The ratio of positive affects to negative affects tend to be low in this type of relationship.

Hostile-Detached Couples

These couples tend to be engaged in a hostile standoff. 

Although they interact in a hostile way towards each other, they are also emotionally detached.  This emotional detachment can lead to loneliness for both of them.

Similar to hostile couples, hostile-detached couples also use the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse which, as previously mentioned, includes: 

• Criticism
• Contempt
• Defensiveness
• Stonewalling
  

Whereas hostile couples tend to regulate their arguments so they don't get out of control, hostile-detached couples tend to keep fighting until they're exhausted and there tends to be a fair amount of emotional abuse in this type of couple.

Based on information from Dr. Gottman's research, hostile-detached couples are the most dysfunctional couples and they are more likely to get divorced as compared to the other types of couples.

The ratio of positive to negative affects is the lowest for this type of couple as compared to others.

Conclusion

Many couples don't fall neatly into a particular category, so they might be a combination of these classifications at different times in their relationship.

What Are the 5 Types of Relationships?

If you're having problems in your relationship, you might find Gottman's classifications useful in understanding the dynamics in your relationship.

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

If you and your partner have been unable to resolve your problems, you could benefit from seeking help in couples therapy. 

    

    See my article: What is Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) For Couples?

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

A skilled couples therapist can help you to make changes in your relationship so that you can have a more fulfilling relationship.

Seeking help sooner rather than later can make a big difference.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT for Couples, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Relationship Expectations: What is the "Good Enough" Relationship? No, It Doesn't Mean "Settling"

According to Dr. John Gottman, author and world-renowned relationship expert, you're more likely to have the kind of relationship you want if you have high expectations--as long as your expectations are realistic.

How Do Your Expectations Affect How You're Treated in a Relationship?

According to Dr. Gottman, people with high expectations are usually in relationships where they're treated well.

Relationship Expectations

Dr. Gottman's findings coincide with research by Dr. Ronald Baucom from the University of North Carolina.  

Dr. Baucom studied marital expectations for 10 years and found that people who have low expectations are usually treated poorly and people with higher expectations tend to be in relationships where they are treated well.

What is the "Good Enough" Relationship?

Before going on, let's define what Dr. Gottman means by a "good enough" relationship.

A "good enough" relationship doesn't mean settling for what you don't want.

It means being realistic.

In a "good enough" relationship you are treated with 

• Kindness
• Love
• Affection
• Loyalty
• Respect

What people often get wrong in terms of relationship expectations is that they expect their relationship to be conflict free and to meet all their needs.

While it's understandable that no one wants a relationship that has constant conflict and upheaval, it's normal for couples to argue sometimes.

On the other end of the spectrum, when couples handle problems by avoiding conflict altogether, this often leads to emotional and sexual estrangement. 

Avoidant couples might appear calm on the outside, but there's usually a lot of tension roiling under the surface. 

For couples who have avoided dealing with their problems for a long time, the tension between them is often palpable so they can no longer maintain a calm facade. Everyone around them can feel it.

One or both partners who are avoidant might engage in giving the other partner "the silent treatment" which is also known as stonewalling (see my article: How to Improve Communication in Your Relationship: Stop Stonewalling).

Avoidant couples also allow grievances to pile up which leads to even more estrangement.

According to Dr. Gottman, when conflict is handled in a productive way, it can lead to greater understanding in the relationship. 

In addition, how each partner makes and accepts gestures to repair after an argument is also important. 

When there's no gesture for repair or the gesture isn't accepted by the other partner, grievances can pile up and result in longstanding resentment which can create increasing emotional and sexual disconnection (see my article: How to Deal With Resentment in Your Relationship).

Longstanding resentment can also lead to the demise of the relationship.

Realistic vs Unrealistic Expectations

Dr. Gottman also recommends that couples have realistic expectations with regard to solvable and unsolvable problems.

Relationship Expectations

Couples with unrealistic expectations often expect their partner to fulfill all their needs, which becomes an unsolvable problem.

Unsolvable problems which are based on unrealistic expectations include:

• Expecting a partner to know what you need without telling them
• Expecting a relationship to heal your childhood emotional wounds/trauma
• Expecting a relationship to fulfill all your emotional, psychological and existential needs

In addition, if you have an expectation that your partner will be your "soulmate," you're more likely to be disappointed when your partner can't fulfill all your needs because this is an unrealistic expectation. 

This also places a heavy burden on your partner and the relationship (see my article:  Why Looking For a "Soulmate" Will Disappoint You).

How to Strengthen Your Relationship

Couples in "good enough" relationships with realistic expectations can focus on strengthening their relationship by:

• Respecting one another
• Supporting each other's hopes and dreams
• Trusting each other and being trustworthy/loyal

Relationship Expectations

• Managing conflict constructively
• Making and receiving gestures for repair after an argument
• Learning to compromise 

In addition, having healthy relationship goals, which are developed together with your partner, can strengthen your relationship (see my article: 10 Relationship Goals That Can Strengthen Your Relationship ).

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Improving Communication in Your Relationship: What's the Difference Between Complaining and Criticizing?

In an earlier article I discussed how to Improve Communication in Your Relationship By Eliminating the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.

If you haven't read that article, I suggest you click on the link above to read it.

Complaining vs Criticizing

As a brief recap, Dr. John Gottman, a world renown relationship expert and author, used the phrase "four horsemen of the apocalypse" to emphasize the destructiveness of these four ways of communicating which can destroy a relationship.

What Are the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse?

The four horsemen of the apocalypse include: 

• Criticism
• Contempt 
• Defensiveness
• Stonewalling

In the earlier article I discuss each one in detail.

In this article I'm focusing on the difference between a complaint and a criticism because people often confuse them with each other.  

I'm also discussing the destructiveness of contempt, how criticism can lead to contempt and how stonewalling affects a relationship.

What's the Difference Between a Complaint and a Criticism?

Whereas criticism is an attack on a person's character or personality, a complaint is about a person's behavior.

An Example of a Complaint:

"I felt hurt when you forgot my birthday."

Notice that the complaint focused on something that the other person did and how it made the partner complaining feel. It's usually about something that happened or is happening.  It's not a general attack on the other partner.

An Example of a Criticism:

"You're so insensitive and irresponsible to forget my birthday."

Complaining vs Criticizing

Notice that the criticism focused on the partner's character.  Also, the partner who is criticizing doesn't use an "I" message to reflect how they feel or how they were affected.  

An Example of a Complaint With Criticism:

People often combine complaints with criticism:

"I felt hurt when you forgot my birthday. You were so insensitive and irresponsible to forget my birthday."

In the example above where a complaint is combined with criticism, the person who is saying this to their partner undermines their message because their partner is likely to focus on the criticism of their character instead of the complaint.  This will often lead to a bigger argument where each person is criticizing the other.

Instead of addressing their partner's hurt feelings, the other partner will probably get defensive, which is also one of Dr. Gottman's four horsemen. This will lead the couple even farther astray.

What is Defensiveness?

Defensiveness is another one of the four horsemen described by Dr. Gottman.

Defensiveness usually involves becoming reactive without listening to what your partner is saying (see my article: Responding Instead of Reacting).

Defensiveness is a negative defense mechanism that people use when they want to deny, dismiss or deflect what their partner is saying.  

People who use defensiveness often use it when they feel unworthy because of their partner's complaint, criticism or contempt.

They might try to externalize the problem by blaming their partner, other people or other circumstances when they might really know they were at fault.

Sometimes people use defensive strategies when they're lying, trying to hide the truth or feeling guilty.

Whichever defensive strategy they use, they're not taking responsibility.

An Example of Defensiveness in Response to Criticism:

"I have a lot of things on my mind. You can't expect me to remember everything!"

Complaining vs Criticizing

This often leads couples to argue about who is shouldering more responsibility, who is busier, who is more giving, and so on.  

Instead of addressing the partner's hurt feelings about forgetting their birthday, they're escalating into other topics instead of addressing the current problem.  

This often reflects a couple's negative cycle in their relationship where they're unable to resolve problems.

How Can Criticism Lead to Contempt?

Contempt can be used without or without criticism.

When couples have a tendency to use criticism in their arguments, they can devolve into showing contempt for each other. 

According to Dr. Gottman, contempt is the worst of the four horsemen and, if it's a big part of a couple's communication pattern, contempt can destroy the relationship.

Complaining vs Contempt

Contempt is when you express scorn and convey you feel your partner is worthless and beneath your consideration.

If you show contempt for a partner, you're acting in a mean and disdainful way.

Contempt can be shown with words, a facial expression or a gesture.

Examples of contempt include:

• Mocking your partner
• Using sarcasm or hostile humor
• Treating your partner with disrespect
• Calling your partner names
• Mimicking your partner in a hostile way
• Rolling your eyes at them
• Sneering at them
• Conveying your moral, ethical or characterological superiority over your partner

When you show contempt, you're essentially telling your partner that you're better than them.

The reason why ongoing contempt can destroy a relationship is that it's usually fueled by long-standing negative thoughts and feelings about a partner and it can lead to more criticism and contempt.

As a result, conflicts aren't resolved.

What is Stonewalling?

Stonewalling is another one of the four horsemen described by Dr. Gottman.

Stonewalling

Stonewalling occurs when you and/or your partner withdraw from communicating with each other (see my article: Are You a Stonewaller?)

Stonewalling can include:

• Being unresponsive
• Giving the silent treatment
• Giving short answers during a discussion or argument
• Dismissing your partner's emotions or concerns
• Changing the subject
• Refusing to make eye contact 
• Refusing to answer questions
• Walking away
• Disconnecting emotionally from your partner (even if you're physically present)

Anyone can engage in stonewalling. 

Stonewalling often occurs when someone has an avoidant attachment style or someone tends to avoid conflict because it makes them feel too uncomfortable.

It occurs when someone either feels a general discomfort with talking about their emotions or they feel overwhelmed by a discussion or argument and they don't know how to say they need a break (or they don't know they need a break).

Based only on their outward appearance, someone who is stonewalling might appear like they're in a calm or neutral mood, but inside they're feeling emotionally overwhelmed.

Whether one or both people are criticizing, showing contempt or stonewalling, problems don't get resolved.  This can lead to a pile up of unresolved arguments and resentment over time.

In my next article, I'll focus on the problem of "kitchen sinking" during an argument, which means when one or both partners bring up unrelated grievances or past grievances during an argument.

Getting Help in Therapy

Many people find it challenging to communicate with their partner when they're angry or hurt without using criticism, contempt, defensiveness or stonewalling.

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

This is usually because they never learned to communicate effectively in a relationship.

If you and your partner are having communication problems, you could benefit from seeking help in couples therapy.

A skilled couples therapy can help you to learn how to communicate effectively with your partner so you can resolve problems in your relationship and have a more fulfilling relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Improve Communication in Your Relationship By Eliminating the "4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse"

Relationship expert, John Gottman, Ph.D., came up with a metaphor to describe destructive communication in relationships which he calls the 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse, a term which was originally used in the Bible to describe the four elements of the end times: conquest, war, hunger and death (see my article: Improving Communication).

Eliminate the 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse

What Are the 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse?

According to the Dr. Gottman, the 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse in a relationship are:

• Criticism
• Contempt 
• Defensiveness
• Stonewalling

Let's take a look at each one to understand why these actions represent destructive communication styles that can lead to the demise of a relationship:

• Criticism:  When you express a complaint to your partner, it's different from attacking him or her personally.  When you criticize your partner, s/he feels rejected and hurt.  Here's the difference:

Complaint: "I feel sad that you forgot my birthday."

Criticism: "You never remember my birthday because it's not important to you. You're selfish!"

Note that in the first example, the complaint, you're speaking from your own experience ("I felt") whereas in the second example, the criticism, you're making a personal attack on your partner's character.  

Criticism is especially damaging when it happens frequently.  Furthermore, you're not likely to resolve the problem if you use criticism (see my article: Learn How to Stop Criticizing Each Other).

• Contempt: Contempt is worse than criticism.  When you address your partner with contempt, you're being mean.  Contempt includes sarcasm, ridicule, name calling, and cursing your partner, among other things.  You're showing disrespect for your partner, and you're speaking to your partner from a position of moral superiority:

Contempt: "You forgot to bring home the milk! I give you one thing to do and you're too stupid to even do that."

Note that contempt is often fueled by longstanding resentment towards a partner that comes out in a toxic way.

• Defensiveness: Defensiveness is a common problem.  When you feel criticized by your partner, you find excuses for your behavior. Unfortunately, this doesn't resolve the problem because your partner is likely to feel that his or her concerns aren't important to you.

Defensiveness: "So what! I forgot to bring the milk. You know I've had a lot of things on my mind. Why didn't you have one of the kids get it?"

Note that, aside from not resolving the problem, you're also not taking responsibility for your part, and you're pointing an accusatory finger at your partner.  

By being defensive, you're also just escalating the conflict (see my article: Habitual Defensiveness Can Ruin Your Relationship).

• Stonewalling: Stonewalling usually occurs when the listener becomes overwhelmed by contempt.  The listener can either tune out, walk away, distract him or herself and, generally, shut down emotionally (see my article: Are You a Stonewaller?).

People who stonewall are often shutting down to regroup emotionally.  The problem is that they often don't tell their partner that they need to take a break from the conflict to calm down.  

The other problem is that people who make a habit of stonewalling appear to be calm on the outside, but they're flooded with stress on the inside.  

Since people who stonewall appear to be calm externally, the other partner will often double down on their criticism in an effort to provoke the partner to speak.  

This starts a destructive cycle where the person who is stonewalling shuts down more and more and the other partner escalates their argument.  Soon they're caught in a destructive cycle.

Getting Help in Therapy

If you're like most people, you learned how to communicate from what you observed in your family of origin.  

If you weren't lucky enough to come from a family where you experienced healthy communication, you might have developed destructive communication habits.

A skilled psychotherapist can help you to enhance your communication skills to maintain a healthy relationship.

Rather than continuing in destructive communication patterns that could lead to the demise of your relationship, seek help from a licensed mental health professional.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing therapist and Sex Therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.  

Love Maps: How Well Do You Know Your Partner?

According to relationship expert Dr. John Gottman, who wrote The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work, a "Love Map" is a metaphor for that part of your brain where you store important information about your partner, including their preferences, opinions, likes and dislikes, fears, hopes and dreams, and major events in their life (see my articles: The 5 Stages of Love From Attraction to Commitment and Developing and Maintaining a Happy Relationship).

Love Maps: How Well Do You Know Your Partner?

Getting to know your partner and allowing your partner to get to know you, including your inner emotional world, is an ongoing process.  It means making a sustained effort throughout the course of your relationship to learn about your partner and allow your partner to get to know you on a deep emotional level.

Why Are Love Maps Important?

According to Dr. Gottman, people who remain up to date with what's going on with their partner, including their thoughts and feelings, are more resilient and they're in a better position to weather life's inevitable ups and downs, including conflict and stressful events.

The reason why developing love maps is an ongoing process is that people change over time.  If you're not paying attention to your partner's thoughts and feelings as well as the significant events in their life, you will probably drift apart (see my articles: Telltale Signs That You and Your Partner Are Drifting Apart and How to Get Closer If You and Your Partner Have Grown Apart).

For a variety of reasons, many couples lose touch with the details of their partner's life.  Understandably, this might be due to being overwhelmed by childrearing, stress at work or other everyday stressors.  For instance, many couples tell me that they barely have time to talk to each other because they're focused on their children.  

Another example is a situation where one or both spouses are expected to work long hours at home after the normal workday and respond to calls, email and texts late at night.  As a result, they end up being exhausted and have no time for each other.  If they don't make a conscious effort to make time for each other, they can become increasingly alienated from one another.

Under these circumstances, they might know general information about a particular area of their spouse's life, like an interest in a particular type of music, but they might not be up to date on their spouse's new favorite band, the name of a new friend or the details of a new hobby or interest.

Some people are also afraid to be emotionally vulnerable in relationships.  Emotional vulnerability feels threatening to them, so they don't like to share their inner emotional world.  

These are the couples who are likely to drift apart because emotional vulnerability is part of the glue that keeps relationships together and without it they might just coexist in the same household like roommates (see my article: Relationships: Fear of Being Emotionally Vulnerable and Emotional Vulnerability as a Pathway to Greater Emotional Intimacy).

Over time, without shared emotional intimacy, there is often more distance in the relationship.  When there is less and less to share, the relationship suffers.  In the worst case scenario, alienation can increase until they feel like strangers to each other.

Fortunately, there are ways for couples to overcome the emotional distance that can so easily develop over time.  Developing a Love Map, as described in Dr. Gottman's book, is one way to do this (see my article: New Bonds of Love Can Replace a Negative Cycle in a Relationship).

Getting Help in Therapy

If you're struggling with unresolved problems, you're not alone.  Help is available.

Taking the first step to contact a licensed therapist might be the hardest, but it's also the first step to resolving your problems.  So, rather than struggling on your own, seek help.

A licensed mental health professional can help you to resolve your problems so you can live a more fulfilling and meaningful life.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Making and Receiving Loving Gestures to Repair an Argument

In his book, The Seven Principles For Making a Marriage Work, relationship expert John Gottman discusses what works in successful relationships and what ruins relationships (see my article: Are You a Stonewaller?). Being able to make and receive loving reparative gestures is an important part of successful relationships (see my article: The Challenge of Preventing Small Arguments From Becoming Major Conflicts in Your Relationship).

Making and Receiving Loving Reparative Gestures in Your Relationship

As John Gottman describes it, when both people in a relationship can make and receive sincere and genuine gestures as a way to repair an argument, it can make all the difference in the relationship.

What I'm referring to in this article is common arguments that spouses often have.  I'm not referring to ongoing abusive behavior.

Also, Gottman emphasizes that when there is a dynamic of contempt between spouses, this is one of the most destructive aspects of a relationship and often ends in divorce.

Clinical Vignettes: Responding to Your Spouse's Loving Reparative Gestures
The following vignettes illustrate the difference between spouses who are able to give and receive reparative gestures and spouses who are unable to do it.  These fictional vignettes aren't about any one particular couple. Instead, they are common dynamics seen in many relationships.

Vignette 1: Tom and Betty
Tom and Betty were married for two years. When Tom came home from work, he often needed time to himself. Not only did he have a stressful job, but his long commute made him feel tense and irritable.  By the time Tom came home, he wanted 15 minutes to himself before he was ready to interact with his wife. But when he got home, he experienced Betty as nagging him about household things that weren't pressing. Although he told her many times that he needed time to himself, he felt that she ignored his need by bombarding him with demands the minute he walked through the door.  

One day, when Tom came home from a particularly difficult day at work, he snapped at Betty when she berated him for making demands of him about household chores rather than allowing him to have time to himself. After he snapped at Betty, he went into the bedroom to compose himself and let go of the tension of the day.  Then, when he felt calmer, he approached Betty in the living room to apologize.  He sat next to her and, as he apologized for his behavior, he touched her shoulder in a loving gesture as a way to repair things between them.  But Betty pulled away from him and said, "I don't like the way you spoke to me, and apologizing doesn't change anything." 

Over the course of the next few days, Tom approached Betty several times to try to repair things between them, but Betty refused to accept his apology. Instead, she responded to him with contempt. These interactions between them were emblematic of the dynamics in their relationship. Betty was unable to let go of her hurt and anger and she refused to take in Tom's loving gestures to make amends with her. She also turned down Tom's pleas to go to couples therapy. After another year of this, Tom decided that he didn't want to be in a marriage where arguments couldn't be repaired and he felt Betty's contempt. So, he told Betty that he no longer wanted to be in the marriage and, within six months, they were divorced.

Vignette 2: Alice and John
Alice and John were married for two years.  This was the second marriage for both of them. Sometimes they had common arguments about household chores. Alice tended to like the household to be neat and John had more of a tolerance for messiness. They each learned to make compromises in this area. But one day when Alice felt particularly frustrated to find dirty dishes in the sink again, she confronted John in a harsh way, "Why are you such a slob!?!" 

When she saw the hurt look on John's face, Alice knew she had gone too far, but she wasn't ready to apologize yet. She went for a walk to try to calm down, and she realized that her reaction was out of proportion to the situation and that she had displaced some of her anger about her workday onto John. When she returned from her walk, Alice felt a lot calmer.  She approached John, who was sitting on the couch reading a book.  As she sat next to him, she took his hand in hers, looked into his eyes and said, "I'm sorry I overreacted about the dishes. I shouldn't have called you a slob. I realized while I was out walking that I allowed my frustration about work to affect my response to you. I'm sorry."  

John smiled at Alice and put his arm around her, "Yeah, it made me feel bad, but I also knew that you didn't really mean it. I know that I can do a better job of cleaning up after myself and I'll try to do better from now on." After that, they each let go of their annoyance. They watched a movie together holding each other and later that night they made love. Similarly, John was able to apologize for things he said that he regretted, and Alice was able to accept John's apologies.  They were each able to let go of their anger to work things out in their relationship. Over time, their love for each other grew and they felt closer to one another.

Discussion About the Two Vignettes
In Vignette 1, Tom made attempts to make amends with Betty, but Betty was unwilling to let go of her anger to accept Tom's gestures for repair. Not only did Betty ignore Tom's need for a short period of time for himself when he came home from a stressful day, but there was never a way to make repairs, as far as Betty was concerned, because she took a hard stance against accepting apologies and reparative gestures. Betty's unwillingness to accept Tom's reparative gestures resulted in the demise of their relationship because the relationship deteriorated over time, and Tom was unwilling to remain with someone who showed contempt and could never forgive.

In Vignette 2, Alice and John would argue over common issues that couples often argue about, but they were both able to make and accept reparative gestures soon after the argument. They were able to move on from these arguments and let go of anger so that resentment didn't build up. This allowed their relationship to grow and deepen over time.

Conclusion
There are many people in relationships who are unable to make or take in repairs in their relationship. This is often the result of a childhood where mistakes weren't tolerated or where, as children, they didn't see their parents resolve their problems. Successful relationship skills weren't modeled for them.

The ability to make and receive reparative gestures in a relationship is crucial for the survival of a relationship. The alternative is a destructive dynamic that grows over time and often leads to the demise of the relationship.

Getting Help in Therapy
Being in a relationship often takes skills that people haven't developed.  Often these people haven't seen models of successful relationships when they were growing up.

Individual or couples therapy can help one or both people to develop the necessary relationship skills to salvage an otherwise good relationship (see my article: What is Emotionally Focused Therapy For Couples?).

Rather than continuing in a negative cycle that might be ruining your relationship, you owe it to yourself to get help from an experienced therapist.

Learning successful relationship skills will help you to feel better about yourself and improve your relationship.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Somatic Experiencing and EFT For Couples therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Therapy).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.