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According to Dr. John Gottman, author and world-renowned relationship expert, you're more likely to have the kind of relationship you want if you have high expectations--as long as your expectations are realistic.
How Do Your Expectations Affect How You're Treated in a Relationship?
According to Dr. Gottman, people with high expectations are usually in relationships where they're treated well.
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Dr. Gottman's findings coincide with research by Dr. Ronald Baucom from the University of North Carolina.
Dr. Baucom studied marital expectations for 10 years and found that people who have low expectations are usually treated poorly and people with higher expectations tend to be in relationships where they are treated well.
What is the "Good Enough" Relationship?
Before going on, let's define what Dr. Gottman means by a "good enough" relationship.
A "good enough" relationship doesn't mean settling for what you don't want.
It means being realistic.
In a "good enough" relationship you are treated with
- Kindness
- Love
- Affection
- Loyalty
- Respect
What people often get wrong in terms of relationship expectations is that they expect their relationship to be conflict free and to meet all their needs.
While it's understandable that no one wants a relationship that has constant conflict and upheaval, it's normal for couples to argue sometimes.
On the other end of the spectrum, when couples handle problems by avoiding conflict altogether, this often leads to emotional and sexual estrangement.
Avoidant couples might appear calm on the outside, but there's usually a lot of tension roiling under the surface.
For couples who have avoided dealing with their problems for a long time, the tension between them is often palpable so they can no longer maintain a calm facade. Everyone around them can feel it.
One or both partners who are avoidant might engage in giving the other partner "the silent treatment" which is also known as stonewalling (see my article: How to Improve Communication in Your Relationship: Stop Stonewalling).
Avoidant couples also allow grievances to pile up which leads to even more estrangement.
According to Dr. Gottman, when conflict is handled in a productive way, it can lead to greater understanding in the relationship.
In addition, how each partner makes and accepts gestures to repair after an argument is also important.
When there's no gesture for repair or the gesture isn't accepted by the other partner, grievances can pile up and result in longstanding resentment which can create increasing emotional and sexual disconnection (see my article: How to Deal With Resentment in Your Relationship).
Longstanding resentment can also lead to the demise of the relationship.
Realistic vs Unrealistic Expectations
Dr. Gottman also recommends that couples have realistic expectations with regard to solvable and unsolvable problems.
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Couples with unrealistic expectations often expect their partner to fulfill all their needs, which becomes an unsolvable problem.
Unsolvable problems which are based on unrealistic expectations include:
- Expecting a partner to know what you need without telling them
- Expecting a relationship to heal your childhood emotional wounds/trauma
- Expecting a relationship to fulfill all your emotional, psychological and existential needs
In addition, if you have an expectation that your partner will be your "soulmate," you're more likely to be disappointed when your partner can't fulfill all your needs because this is an unrealistic expectation.
This also places a heavy burden on your partner and the relationship (see my article: Why Looking For a "Soulmate" Will Disappoint You).
How to Strengthen Your Relationship
Couples in "good enough" relationships with realistic expectations can focus on strengthening their relationship by:
- Respecting one another
- Supporting each other's hopes and dreams
- Trusting each other and being trustworthy/loyal
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- Managing conflict constructively
- Making and receiving gestures for repair after an argument
- Learning to compromise
In addition, having healthy relationship goals, which are developed together with your partner, can strengthen your relationship (see my article: 10 Relationship Goals That Can Strengthen Your Relationship ).
About Me
I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.
I work with individual adults and couples.
To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.
To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.
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