Healing From Regret

Living with regret can be one of the most challenging experiences of your life, but there are ways to heal.

Living With and Healing From Regret

What is Regret?

Regret is a feeling of sadness, repentance or disappointment over something that has happened or has been done.

Examples of Regret

Here are some of the most common types of regret:

• Not being true to yourself
• Not expressing love or appreciation to a loved one
• Neglecting important relationships
• Hurting a loved one
• Not acknowledging your part in an interpersonal problem
• Losing touch with friends
• Working too hard and missing out on important events
• Bad health habits
• Failed relationships (either not valuing a good relationship or staying in a bad relationship)
• Poor judgment
• Wasting time worrying instead of enjoying the present
• Saying "yes" too much and not knowing how to say "no"
• Saying "no" too much and not knowing how to say "yes"
• Not pursuing passions
• Not taking any risks
• Living a small and unfulfilling life

How to Heal From Regret

Living with regret can be a painful experience, especially if you haven't forgiven yourself.

Most people are inclined to want to run from their feelings of regret rather than allowing themselves to feel it as the first step in healing.

Here are some suggestions you might find helpful:

• Don't Run From Your Emotions, Feel Them: Although it's tempting to push aside feelings of regret, you can take the first step in healing by feeling them rather than running from your emotions (see my article: What Are the Benefits of Experiencing Your Emotions?).

• Accept the Past: You can't change the past, so you need to accept whatever you did or didn't do that causes you to feel regret. Depending upon the circumstances, you might have behaved in a certain way due to whatever information or capabilities you had at the time. Acceptance doesn't mean you like what you did. It means you accept the fact that you did it and you will do better in the future.

• Learn and Reframe: Find the lesson in whatever you did. Journal about what happened and what you learned from it (see my article: Developing a Different Perspective Through Reframing).

• Create Meaning From Your Regret: Allow your regret to motivate you to make a commitment to do better (see my article: The Power of Making a Commitment).

Living With and Healing From Regret

• Be Aware of Your Thoughts: Are you telling yourself that you don't deserve to forgive yourself or you don't deserve to have others forgive you? (see my article: What is Self Reflective Awareness and Why Is It Important to You?).

• Have a Dialog With the Internal Critic Within You: If you have been hard on yourself, you can do a writing exercise where you have a dialog with your inner critic. Acknowledge what your inner critic has to say, ask this part of yourself what it would like you to learn from the experience, make a commitment to do better and ask it to let go of its harshness so you can heal. When I do Parts Work Therapy with clients, I ask them to practice having a dialog in our therapy sessions with the parts of themselves that keep them from forgiving themselves or keep creating obstacles to their well-being. Often these parts want to be acknowledged first before they can let go (see my article: Making Friends With Your Inner Critic).

• Practice Self Compassion: What would you say to a close friend or loved one who had problems forgiving themself? If you can feel compassion for them, can you extend compassion to yourself? Recognize that making mistakes is part of being human (see my article: Acceptance and Self Compassion).

• If Possible, Make Amends: If it's possible without crossing a boundary with others, apologize or make things right.  If it's not possible to make amends because to do so would be violating another's boundary or it would be unsafe for yourself, act in their honor or help others. Examples of this might include:

• Engaging in Acts of Service: This includes volunteering or helping in your community.

• Creating Unsent Letters: If you can't have direct closure, you can write letters that you will not send because to do so would be crossing a boundary. The act of writing an unsent letter can be healing.

• Focus on the Present: Since you can't change the past, focus on the present. Create new goals for yourself that align with your values.

• Get Help From a Mental Health Professional to Change Your Behavior and to Heal: If you're having problems understanding why you acted in a way that you now regret, you can gain insight, make changes and forgive yourself with the help of a licensed mental health professional who helps clients with overcoming regret.

Also See My Articles: 

Balancing Fear of Failure vs Future Regret 

Strategies For Making Changes in Your Life

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have over 25 years of experience helping individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

 

What Are the Emotional and Psychological Reasons For the Popularity of Romance Novels?

Several years ago, while I was taking a writing course, I was surprised to find out that romance novels are a billion dollar industry which consistently outperform other fiction genres. 

In 2023, sales of romance novels in the United States reached over $1.4 billion. 

Psychological Reasons for the Popularity of Romance Novelshope,

After I found out that one of my favorite sex educators discussed romance novels as a way to rekindle passion in sexless marriages, this really piqued my curiosity to take a deeper dive into the emotional and psychological reasons for the popularity of romance novels.

It turns out that 82% of readers are women, but in recent years some men are also becoming interested in this genre.

The Popularity of Jane Austen Novels

Jane Austen, whose books were published in the early 19th century, became one of the first female authors who popularized romance novels. They also dealt with the social commentary and comedy of manners. 

In current times, Jane Austen's books, which include Pride and Prejudice, Sense and Sensibility, and Emma, to name a few, are now seen as part of the historical fiction genre.

Younger Readership and the Influence of Social Media

Over the years, the readership has become younger with a significant portion of readers in the 18-44 year old range.

Social media has also boosted the popularity of romance novels, especially #BookTok on TikTok, which has made this genre "cool" again.  Social media also boosts sales and also influences the type of romance novels published in recent times.

Subgenres of Romance Novels

Romance novels include many subgenres including:

• Contemporary
• Historical
• Paranormal
• Romantic suspense
• Erotic romance
• Fantasy
• Science fiction
• Young adult
• Inspirational 

What Are the Emotional and Psychological Reasons For the Popularity of Romance Novels?

Here are the most common reasons:

• Hope and Optimism: Romance novels provide an optimistic escape. The reader is assured of a happy ending. In fact, one of the hallmarks of romance novels is the "happily ever after" ending (HEA). Some books provide a "happy for now" (HFN) ending. The two characters who fall in love often have to overcome obstacles to be together, but the reader is assured that, by the end of the novel, the couple will be together.

Psychological Reasons for the Popularity of Romance Novels

• Emotional Intimacy: Since readers are given access to the characters' thoughts and emotions, they can experience a deep connection with the characters. This connection provides them with a vicarious emotional and empathic experience.

• Relatable Human Connections: Love, relationships and human connections are universal themes so they are relatable to most people regardless of their own relationship status.

• A Sense of Safety and Predictability: The understanding that there will be a happy ending (or happy for now ending) provides a sense of comfort and reassurance which is in contrast to real life where there is no such reassurance.

• Empowering Narratives: Many contemporary romance novels have strong, independent female characters who are relatable to female readers.

• Increased Representation: Over the years, the genre has become more inclusive with a wide array of backgrounds, ethnicities and sexual orientations.

• Female-Centered Stories: Romance novels tend to have female-centered narratives. In recent years stories about empowered women provide stories that are relatable to most women.

What Are the Social and Cultural Factors For the Popularity of Romance Novels?

In addition to the emotional and psychological reasons for the popularity of romance novels, there are also social and cultural reasons including:

• Community and Social Media: As previously mentioned, social media platforms, like #BookTox, have created massive communities where readers find new books to read together.

• Accessibility: Many romance novels are accessible in terms of format and length. This makes these novels easy to read and discuss with others.

• Affordability: Romance novels are often sold at a relatively affordable price. This makes them easy to purchase.

What is the Connection Between Romance Novels and Sexual Fantasies?

Romance novels and sexual fantasies are connected through shared themes of desire, fantasy and emotional fulfillment (see my article: Exploring Sexual Fantasies Without Guilt or Shame).

These novels act as a tool for readers to explore these fantasies in a safe context. They can also stimulation readers' imagination to explore new sexual activities while experiencing a sense of empowerment and and self confidence by relating to the characters (see my article: Finding Your Sexual Voice).

More about the connection between romance novels and sexual fantasies in a future article.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles: 

Exploring Sexual Fantasies Without Guilt or Shame

Are You Too Shy to Talk to Your Partner About Sex?

What Are. Ravishment Fantasies?

BDSM: What Does It Mean to Be a "Brat"?

What is Kinky Sex?

Relationships: "I Love My Partner, But I'm Not In Love With My Partner"

A common issue that comes up in individual and couples therapy is that one or both people in a relationship feel they love their partner but they're not in love with their partner (see my article: How to Develop Your Relationship Beyond the Honeymoon Phase).

"I Love My Partner, But I'm Not in Love With My Partner"

Many people will say they were once in love with their partner, but they no longer feel that way. They worry about what this means for them as individuals and for the stability of the relationship.

Transitioning From In Love to Mature Love

As I have discussed in prior articles, relationships often start with that heady, passionate, in love feeling, known as the limerence, which lasts anywhere from a few months to a couple of years (see my article: What Are the 3 Stages of Limerence?).

"I Love My Partner, But I'm Not in Love With My Partner"

After that, as the couple deepen their emotional connection, those initial feelings usually transition into mature love.

This is the time when the couple deepen their communication, develop emotional honesty and mutual respect for one another to build a lasting connection that includes emotional vulnerability, empathy and a commitment to personal growth as well as the growth of the relationship.

• Moving Beyond Infatuation: During the initial stage of a relationship, you might feel intense romantic and sexual feelings. You might even have a sense of being swept away.

"I Love My Partner, But I'm Not in Love With My Partner"

• Evolving Connection: As the heady feelings subside, if the relationship is going well, you both focus on understanding each other's wants, needs and values.

• Developing Open and Honest Communication With Empathy: If the relationship is going well, you both feel comfortable enough to share your thoughts and feelings with a lack of judgment and a sense of vulnerability. This helps you both to develop emotional intimacy and trust, which is essential to a strong relationship.

• Learning to Adapt: Transitioning from the heady in love phase to a relationship with a deeper connection requires patience, flexibility and a willingness to adapt to changes in the relationship.

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette illustrates the challenges of transitioning from the passionate "in love" phase of a relationship to a more mature loving relationship. It also illustrates how couples therapy can help. As always, this case is a composite of many different cases with all information changed to protect confidentiality.

Sue and John

Five years into their marriage, John began to worry about his feelings for Sue. He knew he loved her, but he no longer felt in love with her the way he used to feel when they were together the first two years.

For a while, he didn't know how to talk to Sue about this because he didn't want to hurt her feelings, so he avoided it. Instead, he began spending more time on his own at night and he waited for Sue to fall asleep before he went to bed.

After a year had passed and they stopped having sex, Sue asked John if there was anything wrong. Initially, John told her that there was nothing wrong. He made up excuses about being too tired and stressed out to explain his lack of sexual desire. But after they went on a romantic vacation to the Caribbean and John still didn't want to have sex, Sue knew there was something wrong.

"I Love My Partner, But I'm Not in Love With My Partner"

After Sue insisted on knowing what was troubling him, John admitted reluctantly that he loved her but he wasn't in love with her.  

At first, Sue was very upset. She accepted that her own initial passionate feelings had changed to a more mature way of loving. But she was afraid that since he was struggling with his feelings, this meant he was going to leave her. In response, John told her he wasn't sure what it meant, so he suggested they seek help.

Their couples therapist was also a sex therapist. She normalized their situation. She said most relationships go through this transition after a while and they could both learn to adapt.

She helped them to develop a deeper emotional connection with each other by helping them to develop new relationship skills for this phase of the relationship. Specifically, they found ways to communicate in an open and honest way, to share new interests, and to rekindle their sex life.

Over time, they both began to enjoy this phase of their relationship. They realized that, even though it might not be as "exciting" as it had been before, what they had together was so much more than just excitement and passion. They had a deeper connection that continued to develop.

Conclusion

The heady and passionate in love phase doesn't last forever in most relationships.

Once couples learn to appreciate the mature love that has developed over time, most of them wouldn't trade that for all the sexual and romantic excitement they felt during the early phase of their relationship.

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

Many couples need help to transition to the mature phase of love.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help in couples/sex therapy.

A skilled couples therapist can help you to have a more loving and fulfilling relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (couples therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I have over 20 years of experience working with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Relationship Expectations: What is the "Good Enough" Relationship? No, It Doesn't Mean "Settling"

According to Dr. John Gottman, author and world-renowned relationship expert, you're more likely to have the kind of relationship you want if you have high expectations--as long as your expectations are realistic.

How Do Your Expectations Affect How You're Treated in a Relationship?

According to Dr. Gottman, people with high expectations are usually in relationships where they're treated well.

Relationship Expectations

Dr. Gottman's findings coincide with research by Dr. Ronald Baucom from the University of North Carolina.  

Dr. Baucom studied marital expectations for 10 years and found that people who have low expectations are usually treated poorly and people with higher expectations tend to be in relationships where they are treated well.

What is the "Good Enough" Relationship?

Before going on, let's define what Dr. Gottman means by a "good enough" relationship.

A "good enough" relationship doesn't mean settling for what you don't want.

It means being realistic.

In a "good enough" relationship you are treated with 

• Kindness
• Love
• Affection
• Loyalty
• Respect

What people often get wrong in terms of relationship expectations is that they expect their relationship to be conflict free and to meet all their needs.

While it's understandable that no one wants a relationship that has constant conflict and upheaval, it's normal for couples to argue sometimes.

On the other end of the spectrum, when couples handle problems by avoiding conflict altogether, this often leads to emotional and sexual estrangement. 

Avoidant couples might appear calm on the outside, but there's usually a lot of tension roiling under the surface. 

For couples who have avoided dealing with their problems for a long time, the tension between them is often palpable so they can no longer maintain a calm facade. Everyone around them can feel it.

One or both partners who are avoidant might engage in giving the other partner "the silent treatment" which is also known as stonewalling (see my article: How to Improve Communication in Your Relationship: Stop Stonewalling).

Avoidant couples also allow grievances to pile up which leads to even more estrangement.

According to Dr. Gottman, when conflict is handled in a productive way, it can lead to greater understanding in the relationship. 

In addition, how each partner makes and accepts gestures to repair after an argument is also important. 

When there's no gesture for repair or the gesture isn't accepted by the other partner, grievances can pile up and result in longstanding resentment which can create increasing emotional and sexual disconnection (see my article: How to Deal With Resentment in Your Relationship).

Longstanding resentment can also lead to the demise of the relationship.

Realistic vs Unrealistic Expectations

Dr. Gottman also recommends that couples have realistic expectations with regard to solvable and unsolvable problems.

Relationship Expectations

Couples with unrealistic expectations often expect their partner to fulfill all their needs, which becomes an unsolvable problem.

Unsolvable problems which are based on unrealistic expectations include:

• Expecting a partner to know what you need without telling them
• Expecting a relationship to heal your childhood emotional wounds/trauma
• Expecting a relationship to fulfill all your emotional, psychological and existential needs

In addition, if you have an expectation that your partner will be your "soulmate," you're more likely to be disappointed when your partner can't fulfill all your needs because this is an unrealistic expectation. 

This also places a heavy burden on your partner and the relationship (see my article:  Why Looking For a "Soulmate" Will Disappoint You).

How to Strengthen Your Relationship

Couples in "good enough" relationships with realistic expectations can focus on strengthening their relationship by:

• Respecting one another
• Supporting each other's hopes and dreams
• Trusting each other and being trustworthy/loyal

Relationship Expectations

• Managing conflict constructively
• Making and receiving gestures for repair after an argument
• Learning to compromise 

In addition, having healthy relationship goals, which are developed together with your partner, can strengthen your relationship (see my article: 10 Relationship Goals That Can Strengthen Your Relationship ).

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Overcoming Philophobia: A Fear of Falling in Love

This article focuses on philophobia (a fear of falling in love) and how you can overcome this debilitating fear (see my article: An Emotional Dilemma: Wanting and Dreading Love). 

What is Philophobia?

The word philophobia comes from Greek. Philos means loving and phobos is fear.

Philophobia: A Fear of Falling in Love

Philophobia, which is a type of phobia, is not in the Diagnostic Statistical Manual (DSM), the manual used by psychotherapists to diagnose mental health disorders. However, the term philophobia describes a dynamic that therapists often see in clients who have experienced trauma or a history of difficult relationships.

People who suffer with philophobia often have a fear of being in a relationship or being able to maintain a relationship.

Fear of falling in love exists on a continuum.  Some people go through temporary periods in their lives when they feel too emotionally vulnerable to allow themselves to be open to love.

This temporary fear can occur after a traumatic breakup or another traumatic experience that creates fear of vulnerability. Over time, often with the help in therapy and a wish to overcome the loneliness, these people can overcome their fear so they can open up to the possibility of love

Other people, who have a more intense fear of falling in love, have difficulty even allowing themselves to meet potential romantic partners. They might even tell themselves they want to be "independent," which is often a pseudo independeance, so they live lonely and isolated lives (ee my article: Emotional Vulnerability as a Pathway to Greater Intimacy and Emotional Connection).

Note: Philophobia is different from people who aromantic, which means they experience little to no romantic feelings for others.

What Causes Philophobia?

Fear of falling in love can have many potential causes including (but not limited to):

• Traumatic Childhood Experiences: This can include a family history of feeling unlovable or experiencing emotional neglect as a child. It can also include a family history where a child's normal need for love and emotional nurturance was shamed by parents who were also fearful of emotional vulnerability (see my article: How Unresolved Trauma Can Affect Your Ability to Be in Adult Romantic Relationships).

• Previous Difficult Romantic Relationships: People who have a history of difficult or traumatic romantic relationships can develop a fear of allowing themselves to trust and open up to love again. This is often related to having early experiences in childhood where they felt unloved so that they continue to unconsciously choose people who will disappoint or abandon them.

• Cultural Pressure: People who are part of cultures that favor marriage at a young age with the focus on practicality and less of a focus on love can develop a fear of the emotional vulnerability involved with falling in love.  Also people who are different from their mainstream culture (e.g., LGBTQ+) often feel pressure to conform to cultural norms because they don't want to be shunned by their family, cultural or religious group.

What Are Common Signs of Philophobia?

The signs related to philophobia can be different for different people, however there are certain common telltale signs including (but not limited to):

• Persistent fear of love that lasts approximately six months or longer

Philophobia: A Fear of Falling in Love

• Intense anxiety or fear of emotional vulnerability in a relationship

• Intense anxiety or fear which make someone fearful of giving or receiving love

• Symptoms interfere with someone's ability to enter into and/or maintain a relationship

What Are Potential Complications to Philophobia?

Living a lonely and isolated life can have serious physical and mental health repercussions including (but not limited to):

• Anxiety

• Panic Attacks

• Complex Trauma or PTSD

• Depression

• Insomnia

• Erectile Dysfunction

• Substance Misuse and other addictive or compulsive disorders

• Other Chronic Health Problems

How to Overcome Philophobia?

As mentioned above, philophobia develops from a difficult and often traumatic history.

Overcoming philophobia involves getting help from a licensed mental health professional who is a trauma therapist and who can help you to manage your current symptoms as well as get to the root of your problem.

There are various forms of trauma therapy including:

• EMDR Therapy (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing)

• AEDP (Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy)

• Somatic Experiencing
  

• Ego States Therapy (also known as Parts Work)

• Hypnotherapy (also known as Clinical Hypnosis)
  

• Other Types of Experiential Therapy 

Getting Help in Trauma Therapy

There are many people who live their whole lives with philophobia and never get help. They often live lonely and isolated lives which they regret at the end of their lives.

Getting Help in Trauma Therapy

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help in trauma therapy.

A skilled trauma therapist can help you to overcome your fear so you can live a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a trauma therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Valentine's Day: 5 Tips For a Long and Happy Relationship

It's Valentine's Day. If you're in a relationship, it's a reminder to show your appreciation for your spouse or partner. 

5 Tips For a Long and Happy Relationship

When you're in a long term relationship, it's easy to take each other for granted and forget to show love and appreciation, so here are some tips:

1. Remember what brought you together when you first fell in love: 

In long-term relationships and marriages, it's easy to fall into the negative habit of nitpicking and fault finding.  While you can't always expect that you'll feel the same passion and head-over-heels in love feelings you felt when you first met, it helps to remember the positive things that brought you together and reinforce those things in your relationship.  For instance, if an interest in music brought you together, when was the last time the two of you went to a concert with your favorite artist?  Make plans to do the things you both enjoy doing to bring back some fun and passion into your relationship.

2. Make Your Relationship the Priority: 

It's important to maintain friendships and family relationships but, over all, making your relationship with your spouse the priority will go a long way to setting the stage for a healthy, happy marriage.  Don't take your spouse for granted.  If friends and relatives are making constant demands of your time and this consistently takes away from your time with your spouse, you would be wise to rethink your priorities.  Don't take the path of least resistance just because your spouse is always "understanding."  Even if you have the most understanding spouse, when you consistently put others first, over time, you're eroding the quality of your relationship with your spouse.

3. Create Special Times with Your Spouse: 

Every so often, it helps to create a special time with your spouse.  Whether this means, you stay at home, unplug the phones and your gadgets, and have a romantic champagne brunch together or you have a romantic evening where you play with new sex toys, make an effort to create special times together. Nothing kills a marriage more than boredom, day after day, week after week, doing the same old things. Special times together help to rekindle your love for each other.

4. Choose Your Battles: 

Nitpicking and nagging is a real turn off in any relationship.  Sometimes,  you have to ask yourself whether it's worth getting into an argument over something that, if you thought about it for a few minutes, is really a petty issue.  Sometimes, it's necessary to have a larger perspective of the relationship and over look the "small stuff."

5. Show Respect For Each Other at all Times, Even When You're Arguing: 

Contempt is one of the biggest relationship killers.  If you're the type to say disrespectful and contemptuous things to your spouse when you're arguing, you need to learn a different way of communicating because you're endangering your relationship.  Once the contemptuous words leave your mouth, it's hard to take them back.  Respectful communication between spouses is key to any long-term happy marriage.

Getting Help in Therapy
If you and you partner have unresolved problems, you could benefit from couples therapy (see my article: How Emotionally Focused Therapy For Couples Can Improve Your Relationship).

Rather than allowing things to continue to slide downhill, take steps to have a more fulfilling relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 or email me.

Understanding the Connection Between Your Personality Type and Your Choice of a Romantic Partner

In her book Why Him? Why Her? Understanding Your Personality Type and Finding the Perfect Match, Dr. Helen Fisher, a biological anthropologist and leading expert on romantic love, writes that there is a strong connection between your personality type and love.  

She posits that your personality influences how you select a romantic partner.

The Connection Between Personality and Romance

Before delving further into this topic, let's define what we mean by the word "personality."

What is Personality?

Personality is made up of your character and your temperament.  

    Character:

Your character is formed based on your experiences, including:

• Your family values and interests
• How your family expressed love and hate
• How your family/community interacted, had fun, relaxed and so on

    Temperament:

Your temperament is made up of biological factors, which you inherit, and develop early on including patterns of how you:

• Think
• Feel
• Behave

            Includes:

•     Curiosity
•     Creativity
•     Novelty seeking
•     Compassion
•     Cautiousness
•     Competitiveness, and so on

According to Dr. Fisher, in recent years scientists who study human behavior have discovered that groups of interacting genes influence behavior and they act together to form behavior syndromes.

Dr. Fisher provides an example of someone who is biologically predisposed to novelty seeking.  Typically, that person would be curious, creative, energetic, spontaneous, and risk taking.

Alternatively, if your personality is more traditional, you would be loyal, cautious, respecting of authority and like to plan and make schedules.

According to Dr. Fisher, the constellation of these biological traits form personality types.

The 4 Personality Types

Dr. Fisher identifies four broad personality types:

• Explorer
• Negotiator
• Builder
• Director

Each of these personality types has unique characteristics and dominant chemistry:

Explorer (Dopamine):

• Energetic
• Curious
• Creative
• Resilient
• Enthusiastic with different interests, including sensation seeking

Negotiator (Estrogen):

• Imaginative
• Compassionate
• Interested in the big picture
• Enjoy large, ambiguous issues and ideas

Builder (Serotonin)

• Trustworthy
• Dependable
• Stable
• Loyal
• Down-to-earth common sense

Director (Testostorone)

• Analytical
• Independent thinker
• Interested in how things work
• A grasp for patterns and sees many sides of complex issues

Most personalities are made up of a combination of all four types with certain types more prevalent than others.  

Dr. Fisher indicates that, although all parts of your personality are important, the two personality types that are the strongest for you are the most important. 

You could be any combination of personality types.  

For instance, based on her personality test, your most dominant feature might be the Negotiator type and the secondary might be Explorer.  Or, you could be a combination of Director/Explorer, and so on.

The Connection Between Personality Type and Romantic Choices

Based on her research, Dr. Fisher indicates that these features, which make up your personality type, are relevant to your choice of a romantic partner.  

The Connection Between Personality and Romance

In this system, there are no bad combinations, but certain combinations work better than others.  

For instance, her personality test indicates that someone who scores high as a Negotiator would do well with someone who is a Director.  However, a Negotiator could do well with a Builder or an Explorer, but there might be certain compromises that would need to be made.

The Impact of Life Experiences

Aside from personality type, significant life experiences also affect how you think, feel and behave.  

So, for instance, early life experiences affect how open or trusting you are with regard to being in a relationship.  

Similarly, if you have had negative experiences with prior relationships, this can also affect how you think, feel and behave, especially with regard to potential partners.  This would include your attachment style (see my article: What is Your Attachment Style?).

Is It Lust or Love?

It's very easy to confuse lust with love (see my article: Relationships: Confusing Sexual Attraction With Love).

The Connection Between Personality and Romance

When you're in the Limerence Phase of a relationship (also known as the Honeymoon Phase), feelings can be so strong that it's hard to distinguish love and lust.

Most of the time, you need to be patient and see how things unfold to differentiate love and lust.

There are signs you can detect to know the difference (see my article: 7 Signs Your Relationship is Based on Lust and Not Love).

Can Lust Turn Into Love?

According to scientists who study lust and love, lust can turn into love, but it doesn't always happen and when it happens, it doesn't always happen for both people.

Dr. Fisher states that romance can be broken down into three categories with the following chemicals:

• Lust:  testosterone and estrogen
• Attraction: dopamine, norepinephrine, serotonin
• Attachment: oxytocin, vasopressin

Lust is driven by the a desire for sex.  

Attraction is closely related to lust, but while lust tends to be focused mostly on the exterior, sexual attraction tends to be about the whole person.  You can be attracted to someone you desire sexually and vice versa.  This is part of the reason why the first stage of a relationship can be so exhilarating--and confusing. 

Attachment is involved in relationships with family, friends and lovers.  People in long term relationships can still experience lust and attraction, but the dominant feature in committed relationships is attachment (see my article: The 5 Stages of Love - From Attraction to Commitment).

If you're in a Friends With Benefits (FWB) situation and you realize you're developing feelings that are more than just sexual, you owe it to yourself and your FWB partner to be honest and let them know to avoid misunderstandings and hurt feelings.

5 Signs It's Love

• You're attraction includes an emotional connection and, for some people, even a spiritual connection.

• You share the most important parts of your life with your partner.

• You imagine a long term future with them.

• You look forward to or enjoy meeting their family and friends.

• You and your partner are invested in putting the time and effort to making the relationship work.

Conclusion

Your personality type, attachment style and history can affect your choice of a romantic partner.

Distinguishing love from lust, attraction and love can be tricky, but there are signs that can guide you, as discussed above.

Lust can turn into love, but it doesn't always happen and, when it happens, it doesn't always happen for both people involved, so honest communication is important.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a sex-positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.