Accepting What You Cannot Change is a Form of Change

The Serenity Prayer was written by the American theologian Reinhold Niebuhr in the 1940s. The first part of the Serenity Prayer asks for the "serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference."

Accepting What You Cannot Change is a Form of Change

The Serenity Prayer provides a framework for dealing with life's challenges. The prayer fosters acceptance, courage and wisdom. It also encourages a shift in your focus from what you can't control to what you can control. This helps to relieve anxiety and promote a sense of peace and this is why it's used in 12 Step programs.

Accepting What You Cannot Change is a Form of Change

In addition, the Serenity Prayer can be an effective tool in any mental health treatment because it encourages mindfulness, taking action and finding comfort in a higher power or in a personal philosophy.

Why is Accepting What You Cannot Change is a Form of Change?

Accepting what you cannot change is a form of change because it helps you to shift your internal state from fighting what you cannot change (reality) to changing your perspective.  This frees you up to redirect your energy to what you can control.  

Accepting What You Cannot Change is a Form of Change

This shift in your perspective from struggling to acceptance creates the space to develop new goals, to find peace and build resilience--even though the external situation remains the same.

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette, which is a composite of many cases, illustrates how accepting what cannot be changed is a form of change:

Jim

When Jim was growing up, his mother was deeply depressed. As a child, he took it upon himself to try to make her feel better by trying to comfort her, but she remained depressed no matter what he did.

His mother spent most of her time in bed because she was so overwhelmed by her depression. Jim's father didn't know how to deal with the mother's depression, so he buried himself in his work and spent as much time as he could at the office and on business trips to escape from the mother.

As an only child, Jim was often alone with his mother. Instead of going out to play with other children, Jim stayed home and laid next to his mother because it was the only way he connect to her emotionally and physically.

On the rare occasions when his mother felt a little better, he would play cards with her, watch her favorite TV shows or tell her jokes to try to make her laugh.

As a young child, he didn't realize that he was sacrificing so much of himself to try to enliven his mother--even though nothing he did helped (see my article: What is Self Abandonment?).

As an adult, Jim never gave up his wish to heal his mother. Although he realized on a certain level that there was nothing he could do for her, especially since she didn't want to get professional help, he kept trying to help her. The wish to help her mother remained strong for him.

Accepting What You Cannot Change is a Form of Change

Since he connected with his mother through her depression, he also felt depressed himself. When he sought help in therapy, initially, he focused on trying to find a way to help his mother.  

Over time, his therapist helped Jim to understand that he had abandoned himself at a young age and sacrificed his childhood by focusing on his mother. Although he realized he missed out on a lot as a child, he felt he couldn't let go of his wish to, somehow, find a way to cure his mother.

He had a strong wish to find just the right words or take the right action that would persuade his mother to get help. Even though he knew logically that he couldn't heal his mother and she probably wouldn't get better if she didn't want to get help, letting go of that wish was very challenging for him. He felt like giving up on that wish would make him disloyal to his mother. He also felt like he would lose the only connection he felt with his mother by giving up on helping her.

Over time, Jim learned to focus on himself more, but it wasn't easy. He developed more of a social life with friends. He began to date. He also developed interests and hobbies that were fulfilling to him.

Gradually, he stopped trying to convince his mother to go to therapy. This letting go brought a lot of grief that he dealt with in his therapy. 

His mother, who refused to get help in therapy, noticed that Jim wasn't trying to persuade her to get help anymore and she asked him why he stopped. He responded by telling her that he was learning to accept that if she didn't want to get help, he had no power to change her mind. 

They remained silent together for a few minutes as they both allowed that thought to sink in. Jim was surprised to hear himself say this and his mother was also surprised.

Jim recognized that by accepting what he couldn't change, he was shifting his perspective, even though it was very sad for him, and he was freeing himself emotionally and psychologically to find inner peace, pursue his own goals and personal growth.

Several weeks after he and his mother had their talk, his mother called him to say she realized she had focused a lot of her energy in pushing against his pleas for her to get help. Now that he was no longer trying to convince her and she was no longer focused on refusing to get help, she realized she needed help for her depression, so she made an appointment with a therapist who specialized in depression.

Jim worked in his therapy to overcome the trauma he took on when he took on his mother's depression as a child. His therapist used EMDR Therapy and Parts Work Therapy to help him to heal.

His work in therapy was neither quick nor easy, but he felt himself gradually coming alive in ways he had not experienced before. 

Conclusion

The Serenity Prayer encourages accepting the things that cannot be changed and this is a wise philosophy, but it's not always easy to know what can be changed and what cannot be changed. This is usually a process that each individual explores and comes to their own conclusions.

On a superficial level, accepting what cannot be changed is often seen as passive behavior--a kind of giving up as if the individual isn't doing anything. But the reality is that acceptance of what cannot be changed is an active process where individuals explore their inner world as well as the external world they're trying to change.

As in the vignette above, sometimes trying to change someone who is depressed or struggling with other psychological problems is a way of remaining emotionally attached to them. In the composite vignette above the only way for Jim, as a child, to have an emotional attachment with his mother was to remain immersed in her depression and to try to help her, which would have been impossible for a child.

The wish to try to change someone can be so strong that it eclipses everything else. The intention of the wish usually comes from a loving place, but it's often not realistic, especially if the other person doesn't want to be helped.

Getting to point of acceptance can be a long process, but it's an active process of self examination and coming to grips with reality.  This often involves working on longstanding unresolved trauma.

Getting Help in Trauma Therapy

If you're struggling with unresolved trauma, you could benefit from working with a trauma therapist.

Getting Help in Trauma Therapy

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who specializes in trauma therapy.

Freeing yourself from a traumatic history can allow you to live a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

As a trauma therapist, I have helped many individual adults and couples to overcome a traumatic history.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Why is Self Acceptance the Foundation of Self Confidence?

In the past, I've written articles about self acceptance, including Self Acceptance and Compassion.

In the current article I'm focusing on self acceptance as the foundation of self confidence.

What is Self Acceptance?

Self acceptance involves accepting all aspects of yourself--whether you consider these aspects to be positive or not.

Self Acceptance is the Foundation of Self Confidence

Self acceptance involves accepting your strengths as well as accepting aspects about yourself you might want to change. 

In other words, even while you're working towards making changes, you embrace all of who you are right now.

Why is Self Acceptance the Foundation of Self Confidence?

If you're working on developing increased self confidence, starting with self acceptance is essential to your development.

When you accept yourself as you are right now, you validate yourself internally rather than relying on external validation (see my article: What is Self Validation?).

Self Acceptance is the Foundation of Self Confidence

Even when you're working on making changes, you tell yourself, "I'm good enough as I am" because you're secure within yourself.

When you accept yourself as you are right now, you're more likely to bouncing back from disappointments or setbacks.

Self acceptance allows you to have compassion for yourself as you would have for loved ones in your life.

Self acceptances allows you to be your true self rather than pretending or wanting to be someone else. 

Self acceptance also reduces the likelihood you will compare yourself unfavorable to others. 

Comparison and judgment are the thieves of joy so it's important to stop comparing yourself unfavorably to others including on social media.

Self acceptance allows you to step outside your comfort zone to take healthy risks which can build self confidence.

What is the Difference Between Self Acceptance and Complacency?

Many people worry that if they accept themselves as they are, they will become complacent, but self acceptance and complacency are two different things.

Self acceptance is acknowledging yourself as you are right now and complacency is being satisfied with how things are to the point of stagnation.

Self Acceptance is the Foundation of Self Confidence

While self acceptance is a starting point to any change you want to make, complacency is often leads to a lack of motivation to change.

The important factor is your intent: Are you accepting yourself as you are right now as a starting point or are you accepting yourself as a reason to stagnate?

Self acceptance allows you to take action to make positive changes. 

In contrast, complacency often leads to inaction.

Self Confidence as a Learnable Skill

Self confidence is considered a learnable skill.

Self confidence is influenced by how you think and how you behave.

Self Confidence is a Learnable Skill

You can develop self confidence by changing the critical messages you're giving yourself.

You can also develop self confidence by giving yourself manageable challenges like taking a public speaking course, a storytelling workshop or taking improv classes.

Getting Help in Therapy

Many people lack self confidence due to unresolved trauma that keeps them mired in shame (see my article: How Unresolved Trauma Can Affect Your Ability to Feel Self Compassion).

Getting Help in Therapy

Getting help in trauma therapy can free you from your traumatic history so you can learn self acceptance and develop self confidence.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and a Certified Sex Therapist.

I have helped individual adults and couples in therapy for over 20 years (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

 

Relationships: How to Navigate the Uncertainty Stage of a Relationship

In my previous article, How to Navigate the 5 Relationship Stages, I described the five stages of a relationship which includes the:

• Honeymoon Stage
• Uncertainty Stage
• Adjustment Stage
• Commitment Stage
• Acceptance Stage

In the current article, I'm exploring the Uncertainty Stage in more detail. 

Navigating the Uncertainty Stage of a Relationship

As a recap:

• The Uncertainty Stage: This stage occurs anywhere from six months to two years. At this point, you're no longer idealizing each other. You might recognize certain incompatibilities. You and your partner are recognizing that neither of you is "perfect". You will both need to consider if the positive aspects of the relationship outweigh the negative ones. 

• Challenges of the Uncertainty Stage
• Feeling disappointed that the initial Honeymoon Stage is over and the relationship lacks the "head over heels" intensity that you experienced in that earlier stage

• Being able to deal with uncertainty as to whether you want to continue in the relationship

• Focusing on both the positive and negative aspects of the relationship (and not just the negative)

• Discovering your partner's and your own flaws and annoying habits

• Working on your communication skills in the relationship to talk about these challenging aspects of the relationship

A Clinical Vignettes

The following clinical vignette illustrates the problems couples encounter in the Uncertainty Stage and how couples therapy can help:

Molly and Ray

Molly and Ray were in their  mid-30s.

Two and a half years into their relationship, they were arguing more. The initial passion they felt for each other during the first six months, which is known as the Honeymoon Stage, had subsided and they were arguing about wedding planning.

Navigating the Uncertainty Stage of a Relationship

Their main problem centered around religion. Molly was raised in a conservative Jewish family and Ray was raised in a Catholic family. Neither of them were religious anymore and they knew they didn't want to have children, but they also knew both their families would want them to have a wedding that reflected their particular religious beliefs. 

Since they couldn't work these issues out on their own, they decided to seek help in couples therapy. 

In couples therapy they learned how to communicate in a healthier way and respect each other's perspectives. They realized that neither of them wanted a religious ceremony, but they also didn't want to disappoint their parents. 

Over time, they approached this problem as a team and each of them felt more confident about dealing with their families.

After Molly spoke to them, her parents were very angry and they said they would not come to the wedding. 

Ray's parents were very disappointed after he spoke to them, but they had accepted long ago that, unlike them, Ray was no longer a practicing Catholic.

Initially, Molly didn't think she could go through with a secular wedding which her parents would refuse to attend. At one point, she wondered if they should break up rather than alienate their families.  But, as they continued to attend their couples sessions, she felt more confident that she could stand up to her family. She realized she couldn't control them and she accepted she had to make her own decisions. Shortly after that, she and Ray got engaged.

Navigating the Uncertainty Stage of a Relationship

Molly accepted that her parents had cut her off, but then she was shocked to hear from her mother, who had been doing her own soul searching. She told her that she and Molly's father wanted her to be happy and they decided to come to the wedding. 

Navigating the Uncertainty Stage of a Relationship

After the wedding, Molly and Ray continued in couples therapy to work on compromises related to smaller issues like certain annoying habits they each had. By then, their communication skills had improved so they were able to discuss issues in a calmer manner.

Over time, their relationship evolved from the Uncertainty Stage to the Acceptance Stage regarding their issues. 

During their marriage they had other challenges where they were back in the Uncertainty Stage, but they had the skills and tools they learned in couples therapy to get them through these times.

Conclusion

As mentioned in my previous article, the 5 Stages of a Relationship are presented in a linear way for the sake of clarity, but couples don't necessarily go through the stages in a linear way.  It's possible they can skip certain stages at various points in their relationship and then go through them at other points.

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

If you and your partner feel stuck in a particular stage of your relationship, you can seek help from an experienced couples therapist to help you work through these issues.

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

A skilled couples therapist can help you navigate certain problems to either strengthen your relationship or help you to end it in as amicable way as possible.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who helps couples.  

Also See My Article:

How to Navigate the Adjustment Stage of a Relationship

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have over 20 years of experience helping individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

How to Navigate the 5 Relationship Stages

Many couples are unaware that relationships change over time and there are usually several stages a couple can go through.  

It's not surprising that couples don't always know about these different stages because hardly anyone outside the mental health field talks about it.

Navigating the 5 Relationship Stages

Knowing about these stages can help you to navigate and adapt to the changes.

Of course, every relationship goes at its own pace so, even though approximate times are provided in this article as to when these changes occur, they might not occur in exactly this way for you.

The stages are presented in a linear way in this article for the sake of clarity, but couples can go through different stages at different times or go back to previous stages depending upon what is happening in the relationship.

In this article, I'm providing an overview of the stages and the particular challenges for each stage.

In future articles I'll provide more details about each stage from the Uncertainty Stage to the Acceptance Stage (in prior articles, I've written about the Honeymoon Stage--see my article: What is the Honeymoon Stage of a Relationship?).

Why Do Relationships Change?

Relationships change because each person evolves and changes over time. 

Personal growth, increased self awareness, expanding your worldview and many other changes contribute to the changes in a relationship (see my article: What is the Growth Mindset vs the Fixed Mindset?),

Navigating the 5 Relationship Stages

Many couples make an effort to grow together and others develop independently. 

One way isn't necessarily better than another. But if one person is dedicated to personal development and expanding their world and the other person isn't, the couple can grow apart (see my article: Telltale Signs You and Your Partner Are Growing Apart).

If the couple realizes they are growing apart, they can work towards deepening their connection and sharing more of themselves with each other (see my article: How You and Your Partner Can Get Closer If You Have Grown Apart).

What Are the 5 Stages of a Relationship?

• The Honeymoon Stage: This stage lasts anywhere from six months to several years. This phase is also known as the Limerence Stage.  This is the stage where you're both getting to know each other. You're probably on your best behavior during this stage. You might also have an idealized view of each other (see my article: Relationships: The Real vs the Ideal)

• Challenges of the Honeymoon Stage

• Overlooking red flags

• Being inconsistent with commitments

Navigating the 5 Relationship Stages

• Developing good communication with each other 

• Setting relationship goals (see my article: 10 Relationship Goals to Create a Stronger Relationship)

• Beginning to recognize early signs of possible incompatibility (see my article: How to Develop Your Relationship Beyond the Honeymoon Stage)

• The Uncertainty Stage: This stage occurs anywhere from six months to two years. At this point, you're no longer idealizing each other. You might recognize certain incompatibilities. You and your partner are recognizing that neither of you is "perfect". You will both need to consider if the positive aspects of the relationship outweigh the negative ones. 

• Challenges of the Uncertainty Stage
• Feeling disappointed that the initial Honeymoon Stage is over and the relationship lacks the "head over heels" intensity that you experienced in that earlier stage

• Being able to deal with uncertainty of whether you want to continue in the relationship

• Focusing on both the positive and negative aspects of the relationship (and not just the negative)

• Discovering your partner's and your own flaws and annoying habits

• Working on your communication skills in the relationship to talk about these challenging aspects of the relationship

• The Adjustment Stage: Around two years or shortly after, you and your partner will enter into the adjustment stage, assuming you were both able to get through the prior stages. The changes in this stage are often more deep-seated and more challenging. For instance, you might realize you both have developed different views about sex, religion, politics or child-rearing. You can both see whether the two of you can have a longer term relationship or if you're not compatible and you will each go your separate ways.

• Challenges of the Adjustment Stage
• Being aware of certain negative patterns in the relationship

• Deciding if you're open to negotiating your individual differences

• The Commitment Stage: If you both decide that what's good about the relationship outweighs whatever is challenging, you can accept that you're both in the relationship for the long term. 

• Challenges of the Commitment Stage
• Being willing to accept your partner's flaws and annoying habits because what's good about the relationship outweighs the problems and this gives you a better perspective about the relationship

Navigating the 5 Relationship Stages

• Being willing to fine tune your relationship skills including communication skills and problem solving skills

• The Acceptance Stage: This stage often occurs beyond five years. When you and your partner are able to overcome the challenges of the prior stages, you can develop a sense of safety and security in the relationship

• Challenges of the Acceptance Stage
• Too much safety and security and feeling like you're both "family" which can help you both to navigate the inevitable ups and downs of your relationship. But safety and security sometimes comes at the expense of a satisfying sex life for many couples (Balancing Security and Eroticism in Your Relationship).

• You might need to learn to keep your sex life satisfying by being more self aware in terms of what part of yourself you bring to your sexual encounters. You can also learn how to create sexual anticipation to spice up your sex life in your long term relationship (see my article: Creating Sexual Desire With the Simmer Technique).

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

If you and your partner are struggling with one of thsee stages, you could benefit from getting help from an experienced couples therapist.

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who can help you to work on the issues affecting your relationship.

If you both want to stay in the relationship, a skilled couples therapist can help you to navigate the changes you need to make.

A skilled couples therapist won't have a particular agenda--whether you stay together or not. 

If you want to end the relationship, a couples therapist can help you to end the relationship in a healthy way and, if you have children, discuss how to talk to your children and how to co-parent when you're no longer together.

Also See My Articles:

How to Navigate the Uncertainty Stage of a Relationship

How to Navigate the Adjustment Stage of a Relationship

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and certified Sex Therapist.

I have over 20 years of experiencing helping individual clients and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW -New York City Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

How to Stop Trying to Fix People and Focus on Yourself

A common problem I see in my psychotherapy private practice is clients who are trying hard to fix people instead of focusing on themselves (see my articles: Learn to Accept You Can't Control Your Loved Ones and Overcoming Codependency).

This might involve cheating, gambling, drinking, overspending and so on.

Focus on Yourself and Stop Trying to Fix People

There's no doubt these clients are really suffering and they want what's best for their loved ones, but their attempts to fix them often backfires for reasons I'll discuss in this article.

My Early Experiences as a Psychotherapist in Training in the Mid-1990s

First, I would like to focus on an important lesson I had to learn as a new therapist many years ago.

When I started training to be a psychotherapist in the mid-1990s, I had to learn an important lesson early on from my supervisor who understood I was empathetic towards my clients at the clinic, but who knew I was trying to fix them when that wasn't my role as a therapist. She said, "You're not in the business of 'fixing' people." 

Although I recognize this to be wise advice now, I had to adjust my thinking at the time. After all, I got into the mental health profession to help people, but I had to learn that trying to fix people wasn't part of my job.  

Instead, my job was to help clients develop insight and the ability to make changes--if they wanted to make changes.  

Within a short period of time, I learned that what I thought was the best course of action might not be what my clients wanted or needed--and it might not even be the best course of action. 

After all, who was I to say what was best for my clients?  I only saw them for an hour a week which isn't a lot of time compared to the rest of the time they lived their lives away from therapy.

In addition, they often knew what was best for them and they just needed the tools and strategies to get there.

All of this is to say that I understand from my own experience dating back to the mid-1990s how strong an impulse trying to fix others can be. 

I also know how humbling and sad it is to watch some clients make choices that, objectively, aren't good for them but, as adults, this is their right.

How to Stop Trying to Fix People

You might have the best intentions when you want to fix others, but you can't control the adults in your life--not your partner, friends, adult children or other loved ones.

Stop Trying to Fix People and Focus on Yourself

The only person you can change is yourself (see my article: Getting to Know the Only Person You Can Change: Yourself).

The following steps can help you if you think you might have a problem with trying to fix people:

• Awareness: The first step in trying to change a problem is awareness. Specifically, you could benefit from developing self awareness about how you go about trying to change people when they don't want to be changed. In addition, developing self awareness helps you to understand the impact your behavior might be having on the people you care about. If they're telling you they don't want your help to change, listening to them and learning is necessary (see my article: What is Self Reflective Awareness and Why Is It Important to You?).

Develop Self Awareness

• Acceptance: It's often hard to accept that you might be the one with the problem. This isn't to say that the person you would like to change doesn't also have a problem and that their problem might be having a negative impact on you. But it's important for you to accept that you can't control other people--even if you think it's for their own good (see my article: Awareness and Acceptance About What You Have Been in Denial About).

Acceptance

• Allow Others to Make Their Own Decisions: When you attempt to control others, even if they're willing to allow you to do it, you disempower them because you haven't allowed them to go through the necessary process to make lasting change, which could include overcoming denial and ambivalence. Even if you could control their change process, they might be going along with your advice just to appease you. But, since their decision hasn't come from deep inside them, the change they make to please you often isn't solid. A change that comes from their own internal motivation (instead of external pressure) is more likely to stick (see my article: Learn to Stop Interfering in Your Adult Children's Lives).

Allow Others to Make Their Own Decisions

• Focus on Yourself: Instead of focusing on how you can fix other people, focus on yourself. Many people who become involved in fixing others do it, in part, because they want an escape from their own problems. Be honest and ask yourself if there are personal issues you have been avoiding and begin to tackle those issues instead.

Focus on Yourself

• Make Your Own Decisions: Even though you might let go of trying to fix others, this doesn't mean that you can't make your own decisions about what's right for you. So, for instance, if your partner refuses to get help for alcoholism and you know it's having a negative impact on your life, you have the right to make a decision about what you want to do about it for yourself. This is often a lot harder for people than trying to fix a spouse, but it's the healthiest and most empowering path for yourself (see my article: Fear of Making Decisions: Indecision Becomes a Decision in Time).

Getting Help in Therapy

A pattern of trying to fix others often starts at an early age and it becomes a lifelong pattern of behavior.

Getting Help in Therapy

If you're struggling with letting go of trying to fix and control others, you could benefit from getting help from a licensed mental health professional who can help you to develop the necessary tools and strategies to change (see my article: Why Do People Go to Therapy?)

Getting help in therapy to change this pattern of behavior can help you to lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Therapy).

With over 20 years of experience, I have helped many individual adults and couples to make changes (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at 917-742-2624 during business hours or email me.