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According to the latest research, while some people embrace change wholeheartedly, the vast majority of us don't like change--especially change we haven't chosen because it gets us out of our comfort zone.
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| Making Changes |
As a New York City psychotherapist in private practice, I get to see how people respond to making changes--even changes they want--with a mixture of anxious anticipation, fear and ambivalence.
On the surface, this might not seem to make sense. After all, you might say, if people are coming to therapy voluntarily because they want to make changes, why wouldn't they respond to change with open arms?
As we explore further, although it might not make sense objectively, it does make psychological sense.
Why Is Change so Hard For Most of Us?
When we look beyond the surface, we see that what most people really dislike is the lack of control and the uncertainty involved.
Looking even further, we discover that, while we might like certain changes that we have chosen--like traveling on a much-anticipated vacation, falling in love or getting a raise at work, we tend to feel resistance to involuntary changes that are imposed on us.
Involuntary change might include:
- An unexpected life event like the death of a loved one, a new health concern or the end of a relationship where there is grief and loss
- A workplace restructuring that might involve reporting to someone new
- A financial loss
- Other similar unexpected changes
Under these involuntary circumstances, the pain and loss can feel confusing and threatening.
Why Do We Have Mixed Feelings About Change We Seek in Therapy?
The individual adults and couples I see in my private practice are all voluntary clients. None of them are mandated to come to therapy.
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| Making Changes in Therapy |
They usually come to therapy, spending their time and hard-earned money in the effort, because some part of them wants to make changes.
But, for most us, as we begin the change process, we also begin to have mixed feelings about it--even for changes that we really want.
Why is this?
Part of the answer is that the human brain naturally prioritizes predictability and comfort over the discomfort of growth. Even when a change is highly desired and voluntarily chosen, the status quo represents a survival strategy or behavioral pattern that has kept us safe, comfortable or, at least, it was familiar.
With regard to safe and familiar, as the saying goes, "Better the devil you know than the devil you don't."
In psychotherapy this ambivalence is called the "approach-avoidance conflict" which means that we are simultaneously drawn to the benefits of change and a better life while also being repelled by the fear and effort to change.
In addition, maladaptive behaviors always serve a purpose--even if we don't know what that purpose might be.
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| Making Changes in IFS Therapy |
For instance, according to IFS Therapy (Internal Family Systems Therapy), we all have many different aspects of ourselves, including protector parts, also known as defense mechanisms in psychodynamic psychotherapy.
It's common to have protector parts that resist change because these parts assumed these roles in order to "protect" a wounded traumatized part of us.
These protector parts have "good intentions" in terms of their protective roles. Most likely, they were useful at an earlier time in our life as a survival mechanism, but their impact becomes maladaptive as we become adults and these survival mechanisms hold us back.
For instance, if we learned to become emotionally numb in a dysfunctional family when our parents were fighting, the emotional numbness might have protected us from feeling the overwhelming pain of being abused or neglected.
But, as an adult, becoming emotionally numb while our spouse is telling us how annoyed they are about something we did isn't adaptive anymore. As adults, we need to be attuned and attentive to what our partner is saying if we want our relationship to survive.
We might really want to be a good partner, but if we have a tendency to numb ourselves (also known as "zoning out") when our partner is complaining to us, being present would mean taking the emotional risk that we are now safe enough with our partner to let go of a long-standing defense mechanism, which isn't easy to do.
Another example: If we are working on unresolved trauma, we know logically that our life would be better once we no longer carry the burden of the psychological trauma, but dealing with painful unprocessed emotions might make us want to abandon the effort.
How Can the Change Process Be Easier to Manage?
As a trauma therapist, I can't eliminate the emotional pain with making changes, especially if the change involves processing unresolved trauma, but I can and do help clients to process trauma in manageable ways when possible (see my article: Coping With Emotional Distress in Experiential Therapy Using the Somatic Experiencing Technique of Pendulation).
Although change might not be easy, there are ways to make it more manageable with the help of an experienced therapist:
- Shift Out of An All-or-Nothing Mindset: All-or-nothing thinking sets us up for disappointment when we don't make difficult changes immediately.
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| Get Curious About the Change Process |
- Adopt Non-Judgemental Curiosity: Instead of viewing fear and ambivalence as a personal failure, get curious about your change process (see my article: How to Develop a Curious Mindset).
- Acknowledge Protective Habits: Recognize that old habits that are no longer adaptive once kept you feeling safe.
- Separate Fear From Action: Learn to carry the physical sensation of fear in therapy while you take steps to make changes.
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| Progress Isn't Linear |
- Expect Non-Linear Progress: Expect that growth involves inevitable ups and downs. Progress isn't a straight line (see my article: Progress in Therapy Isn't Linear).
- Identify What is Controllable: Instead of focusing on what isn't controllable, focus on what you can control right now.
- Remember Prior Resilience: Write down the times when you were able to successfully make changes due to unexpected events and recognize that you probably still have the resilience to make changes now--especially if you approach change in a manageable way rather than all at once.
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| Challenge Catastrophic Thinking |
- Challenge Catastrophic Thinking: Evaluate whether your fears are realistic or if your mind is focusing only on worst-case scenarios (see my article: Are You Catastrophizing?).
- Process Long-Term Regret: Forgive yourself for waiting until now to make changes so that guilt doesn't become an obstacle to making changes.
Conclusion
Change can be difficult.
Even when you seek help in therapy to make much-needed changes, you can experience an approach-avoidance conflict about the process.
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| Get Help in Therapy |
There are steps you can take in the change process, with the help of a therapist, that can make the change more manageable.
In addition, choosing a therapist that allows you to feel safe enough to make changes is important--not only for making changes--but also to have a new experience of safety if you weren't safe when you were growing up (see my article: How to Choose a Psychotherapist).
About Me
I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, IFS/Parts Work Therapist, EFT Couples Therapist, Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.
As an experienced therapist, I have helped many individual adults and couples to make positive change over the years.
To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.
I provide a free 10-15 minute phone call before setting up a first appointment.
To set up an appointment, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.
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