Floodlighting: How to Stop Oversharing During the Early Stage of Dating

The term "floodlighting" was originally coined by Dr. Brene Brown, social scientist and researcher.

With regard to dating, floodlighting refers to someone who overwhelms their date with too much emotional vulnerability early on as a way to either speed up the emotional connection, test them or try to get validation and reassurance by revealing very personal or traumatic details about their life (Understanding Personal Boundaries: Rigid, Porous and Healthy Boundaries).

Floodlighting: Oversharing on a Date

Although the objective of floodlighting might be to develop immediate emotional intimacy, the result is usually just the opposite: The other person is overwhelmed and turned off (see my article: Dating Challenges: What Should You Talk About on a First Date?).

Characteristics of Floodlighting

Here are some of the characteristics of floodlighting:

• You Overshare Very Personal Information or Traumatic Events Immediately: During the early stage of dating, you share very personal information about yourself. This might involve early trauma, like domestic violence in your childhood home, how devastated you were by your parents' divorce, details about past breakups, your mental health problems, and so on. You're hoping that by sharing your very personal experiences, your date will also share similar information so you can form a close personal bond immediately. But when you stop telling your stories, you probably notice that your date's eyes are glazed over and they look completely overwhelmed, confused or bored, which makes you feel ashamed. 

Floodlighting: Oversharing on a Date

• You Expect Instant Emotional Intimacy: After you share very personal stories or traumatic events from your life, if you expect your date to do the same, you might be disappointed. If your date feels overwhelmed with your oversharing, they might respond with silence, confusion, annoyance or indifference, which isn't what you were hoping for from them.  You might not realize that emotional intimacy develops over time--not during the early stage of dating. The other person might feel pressured to share intimate details about their life too--before they're ready to do this. Even if your date reciprocates by sharing intimate details about their personal life after hearing you overshare, you might think you have developed immediate emotional intimacy, but you and your date haven't established a foundation of trust, which is necessary for real emotional intimacy. 

• You Overshare Very Personal Information to Test Your Date's Acceptance: If you use emotional vulnerability as a way to test if your date accepts you, you might create pressure on your date. Instead of creating a genuine emotional connection, you come across as needing reassurance from someone who hardly knows you. In the early stage of dating, this can be a turn-off for your date, who might resent being tested in this way.

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette, which is a composite of many cases to protect confidentiality, illustrates the problem with floodlighting while dating and how psychotherapy can help:

Rena

Rena began dating two years after her tumultuous divorce. 

She met many single men who were interested in her, but things seemed to go nowhere after the first date.

After several disappointing experiences, Rena sought help in therapy to understand why these dates fizzled out so quickly.

Floodlighting: Oversharing on a Date

After hearing about several disappointing experiences, Rena's therapist noticed a pattern: Rena would talk about how awful her ex-husband had behaved towards her. She would go into details about how traumatic it was to be married to him. She also recounted several early traumatic childhood experiences on those first dates.

Her therapist realized that, due to Rena's early traumatic history, Rena never learned to develop appropriate personal boundaries. As a result, she didn't know how to keep things light on a first date.

Her therapist worked with Rena to develop the necessary skills to be more self aware during these initial dates. 

As a trauma therapist, she also helped Rena to work through her trauma so she no longer felt the need to seek reassurance and validation from people she hardly knew (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

Over time, Rena learned how to be self aware. She also learned how to have casual conversations, pick up on social cues from others and, eventually, develop a foundation of trust with a man she was dating for several months.

How to Stop Floodlighting

• Develop curiosity and self awareness so you can ask yourself why you're oversharing during the early stage of dating (see my article: What is Self Reflective Awareness and Why Is It Important For You?).

• Pick up on social cues from your date to recognize if you're oversharing and when it's time for you to shift the conversation to keep it light.

Develop Self Awareness and Pick Up on Social Cues

• If you feel the inclination to overshare, ask yourself what you're expecting in return: Are you looking for acceptance and reassurance from someone you hardly know?

• Ask yourself if you're creating an unbalanced dynamic between you and your date. If so, be aware of the verbal and nonverbal cues you're getting from your date about this dynamic and stop oversharing.

• Recognize if you're trying to develop emotional intimacy too early. What you might be creating, instead, is a false sense of intimacy.

• Wait to share very personal details of your life, including trauma, until you and your date have established a foundation of trust between you.

• Find ways to validate and reassure yourself so you're not looking for validation and reassurance from your date during the early stage of dating.

Getting Help in Therapy

Many people who have experienced trauma in early childhood overshare very personal details about their life n a way that reveals their boundaries were violated at a young age. 

They don't have a sense of healthy boundaries because they never helped to develop boundaries in their family (see my article: How to Set Boundaries Without Feeling Guilty).

Getting Help in Therapy

If you have a tendency to overshare during the early stage of dating, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional.

A skilled therapist can help you to understand the underlying issues that cause you to overshare.  She can also help you to develop the tools and strategies to communicate in a healthy way.

In addition, an experienced psychotherapist can help you to develop the confidence and interpersonal skills you need to maintain appropriate boundaries.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a skilled therapist so you can lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing, Parts Work and Sex Therapist.

I have over 20 years of experience as a trauma therapist helping individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation,call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.