Overcoming Self Sabotaging Behavior in Your Relationship

Becoming aware of self sabotaging behavior in a relationship can help you to break destructive patterns that create problems for you and your partner (see my article: Overcoming Recurring Patterns of Self Sabotaging Behavior).

What is Self Sabotaging Behavior in Relationships?

Self sabotaging behavior in relationships can be conscious or unconscious behavior that stem from fear of abandonment, low self esteem, unresolved trauma and other related problems.

Self Sabotaging Behavior in a Relationship

This destructive behavior often acts as a defense mechanism to avoid emotional pain.  

What Does Self Sabotaging Behavior in a Relationship Look Like?

The following are examples of self sabotaging behavior in a relationship:

• Creating Conflict and Drama: Picking fights over small issues, being very critical or finding faults with a partner to cause problems

• Withdrawing and Stonewalling: Distancing, shutting down emotionally or exiting conversations when intimacy or conflicts arise. Note: Many individuals who have an avoidant attachment style withdraw because they are overwhelmed and they need time to recoup. This is different from withdrawing to intentionally distance yourself from your partner (see my article: Improve Communication in Your Relationship By Eliminating the 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse).

• Testing Loyalty: Setting up tests to see how much your partner cares about you. This often leads to a self fulfilling prophecy of abandonment when the tests are unreasonable.

• Insecurity and Jealousy: Projecting insecurities, excessive monitoring or comparing current partners unfavorably to past partners (see my article: Jealousy Isn't Love).

• Ending a Relationship Prematurely: Ending a relationship before it can end on its own. This often occurs out of fear of a future rejection by the partner.

• Holding Onto Grudges and Resentment: Refusing to let go of past minor disagreements or mistakes so there is no repair between you and your partner. Instead of actively repairing the problem between you, you avoid dealing with it so that, over time, there is a pile-up of grudges and resentment which causes emotional disconnection between you and your partner or the relationship ends from the weight of the resentments (see my article: The Unspoken Rift: Resentment, Emotional Distance and Loneliness in Relationships).

What Causes Self Sabotaging Behavior in Relationships?

• Fear of Abandonment or Rejection: Pushing your partner away to avoid an anticipated future rejection--even in cases where this fear is a distortion

Self Sabotaging Behavior in a Relationship

• Fear of Emotional Vulnerability: Lacking trust or experiencing a fear of taking the risk to open up emotionally. Since being vulnerable is an essential part of a healthy relationship, this fear can ruin a relationship (see my article: Vulnerability as a Pathway to Emotional and Sexual Intimacy)

• Low Self Esteem:  A feeling that you don't deserve to be in a healthy, loving relationship

• Unrealistic Expectations: Holding your partner to unrealistic or impossible standards (see my article: Your Partner Can't Meet All Your Needs).

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette, which is a composite of many cases, illustrates self sabotaging behavior in a relationship:

Jane

When Jane met Alan, she realized she liked him a lot and she wanted to get to know him better.

Three months later, they both agreed they had fallen in love and they wanted to be exclusive so they stopped dating other people.

Initially, Jane enjoyed her time with Alan and she could foresee a long term relationship and even marriage.  But, as they got closer, her old fears and insecurities made her feel very anxious and fearful in the relationship. 

One of her biggest fears was she anticipated that Alan would realize that she wasn't good enough for him and he would leave her (see my article: Overcoming the Fear That Others Won't Like You If They Got to Know the "Real You").

She talked to Alan about this and he tried to reassure her that he loved her and he wanted to be with her, but no amount of reassurance helped to alleviate Jane's fears.

Self Sabotaging Behavior in a Relationship

When Jane became overwhelmed with her fear that Alan would leave her, she would break up with him. Initially, she felt relieved because she was no longer dreading being abandoned. But soon afterward, she regretted breaking up with him and she would feel desperate to rekindle their relationship.

After they got back together again, Jane's fear and insecurity would come up again. She knew she didn't want to break up with Alan, but she found the emotional vulnerability of being in the relationship to be overwhelming. 

At the time, she didn't realize that she would pick arguments with him over insignificant things as a way of creating emotional distance. But when they started couples therapy, the couples therapist helped them to see the negative cycle in their relationship and Jane realized she was picking fights with Alan out of fear.

In addition to couples therapy, Jane attended her own individual trauma therapy to deal with the underlying trauma that was the cause of her self sabotaging behavior.

Over time, Jane was able to work through her unresolved childhood trauma which created her fear of abandonment and insecurity. She and Alan also learned to work as a team to prevent the negative cycle in their relationship with the help of their couples therapist.

Overcoming Self Sabotaging Behavior in Your Relationship

• Recognize Patterns and Triggers: To recognize patterns and triggers requires self awareness and a willingness to change. 

• Develop Open Communication: Instead of engaging in passive aggressive or other unhealthy behavior, create open and vulnerable communication with your partner. 

Overcoming Self Sabotaging Behavior in a Relationship

• Build Self Esteem: Work on developing your self esteem to accept love and accept being in a healthy relationship without fear and reactive behavior.

• Work on Unresolved Personal Trauma in Trauma Therapy: Since the root cause of self sabotaging behavior usually stems from unresolved childhood trauma, work on these issues in trauma therapy so that you no longer get triggered in your relationship.

Get Help in Couples Therapy

• Work on Relationship Issues in Couples Therapy: A couples therapist who practices Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) can help you and your partner to identify and prevent and a negative cycle in your relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing, Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy) and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have helped many individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during busness hours or email me.

The Unspoken Rift: Resentment, Emotional Disconnection and Loneliness in Relationships

Resentment, emotional disconnection and loneliness tend to form a negative cycle in relationships where unspoken pain gradually creates"walls" that replace emotional and physical intimacy with distance.

Resentment, Disconnection and Loneliness in a Relationship

Resentment is a complicated emotional response to perceived mistreatment or unmet needs. Resentment is a mix of anger, bitterness and disappointment.

What is the Life Cycle of Resentment and Disconnection?

• A Slow Build Up: Resentment rarely develops overnight.  It builds up over time due to repeated experiences of feeling unseen, unheard or unsupported. Resentment often starts when one or both people in the relationship have unexpressed feelings as a result of wanting to avoid conflict.

• Emotional Numbing: As a way to avoid feeling emotional pain in the relationship, individuals "numb out" or detach emotionally. This withdrawal creates an unspoken rift (see my article: What Happens When You Numb Yourself Emotionally?).

• Loneliness When Together: Unspoken resentment can lead to a sense of loneliness even when a couple is physically together in the same space. Their interactions can become transactional or as if on "autopilot' lacking warmth or genuine connection (see my article: Feeling Lonely in a Relationship).

• The Negative Cycle Feeds on Itself: The negative cycle of resentment, disconnection and loneliness feeds on itself. 

What Are the Signs of Resentment, Disconnection and Loneliness in a Relationship?

The following are some of the signs:

• Silence and Avoidance: One partner staying up late to avoid their partner. One or both partners retreating to another room or avoiding topics that might create conflict.

Loss of Emotional and Physical Intimacy

• Loss of Intimacy: A decrease or cessation of affection, physical intimacy, meaningful conversation or interest in the other partner's inner emotional world.

• Passive Aggressive Behavior: Using sarcasm, subtle jabs or eye rolling as a form of contempt instead of direct communication (see my article: Improving Communication By Eliminating the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse).

• Keeping Score: Constantly comparing efforts or bringing up old mistakes during unrelated arguments (see my article: How to Stop "Kitchen Sinking" Your Partner).

Strategies For Dealing With Resentment, Disconnection and Loneliness in a Relationship

• Acknowledge the Resentment: Address the resentment using "I" statements rather than being accusatory. Shift away from blame to vulnerability: "I miss you when we don't talk" instead of "You never talk to me!"

Disconnection and Distractions in Relationships

• Avoid Distractions: Instead of distracting yourself with your phone or being on the Internet, avoid distractions so you can connect with your partner. 

• Find Ways to Reconnect Emotionally: Find meaningful ways to reconnect by engaging in activities you both enjoy. This could involve planning a date night--even if that means staying at home and playing a game together or watching and talking about a favorite movie. In addition, make plans to take a trip together at least once a year, if that's possible. Instead of one person doing all the planning, plan it together as a way to connect and anticipate the pleasure of the upcoming trip.

• Find Ways to Reconnect Physically: Start slowly with physical touch and other gestures of affection. Talk about what you used to enjoy together sexually and what you each miss about not being physically intimate (see my article: Have You and Your Partner Stopped Having Sex?)

• Get Help in Couples Therapy: When there has been a build up of resentment, emotional disconnection and loneliness over a period of time, self help techniques are often not enough. If you have stopped having sex, a skilled couples therapist who is also a sex therapist can help you to develop the tools and strategies to improve your relationship over time. This usually begins with a focus on emotional and relational issues before sexual issues are addressed.

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette is a composite of many cases:

Lisa and Ed

Married for 25 years, Lisa and Ed co-existed together in their home.

Both of them grew up in families where conflict was never discussed so neither of them knew how to talk about uncomfortable feelings. 

Rather than talking about the increasing emotional and physical gulf between them, they tried to avoid one another.

Over time, their sex life dwindled to a couple of times a year. During their sexual encounters, they both experienced sex as "robotic" and disconnected, but neither of them knew how to talk about it (see my article: How to Talk to Your Partner About Sex?).

After they had sex, Ed would usually roll over and go to sleep and Lisa would get up to do chores around the house. There were no expressions of affection either verbally or physically (see my article: Why is Sexual Aftercare Important?).

Ed spent most of his free time in the basement tinkering in his workshop and Lisa spent most of her time driving their teenage sons to sports and other extracurricular activities.

Both of them were unaware of how their sons acted as a buffer between them until both sons left for college. At that point, Lisa and Ed felt increasingly lonely, but neither of them had the communication or relationship skills to talk about it.

Unhappy and desperate to change their situation, Lisa listened to a podcast with Emotionally Focused Couples Therapist (EFT) Julie Menanno, LMFT who talked about the negative cycle in relationships. 

As Lisa listened to the podcast, she realized that she and Ed were stuck in a negative cycle and it was possible to learn strategies for how they could break out of that cycle.

When she summoned the courage, Lisa broached the topic of attending couples therapy with Ed over dinner. She could see this made Ed very uncomfortable, but she persisted by telling him she realized they were both unhappy in their relationship and, as she was approaching her 50th birthday, she knew she wanted more out of a relationship.

Ed was reluctant to attend couples therapy at first, but he also sensed that Lisa might end their relationship and he wasn't ready to end their marriage. So, after considerable thought, Ed agreed to go to couples therapy.

Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFT)

Their couples therapist was an Emotionally Focused Couples Therapist (EFT) who helped Ed and Lisa to develop the communication and relationship skills they were lacking.  This was challenging for both of them because it meant confronting their discomfort about difficult issues between them. But, over time, they improved their communication skills and let go of their fear of dealing with conflict and resentment.

Both of them were surprised to feel relieved to finally be able to address years of resentment in a way that was respectful and empathetic.  This helped them to open up emotionally in a way they had never experienced before. Gradually, they also let go of their resentments.

After several months, they were both ready to improve their sex life and their therapist provided them with psychoeducation about sex therapy homework to do at home. 

Initially, it was awkward for Lisa and Ed to be sexually intimate, but they developed patience and a sense of humor to overcome the awkwardness until, eventually, they were able to have a more satisfying sex life again.

The work was neither quick nor easy and, just like any other type of therapy, there were setbacks (see my article: Setbacks Are a Normal Part of Therapy on the Road to Healing).

However, step by step, Lisa and Ed saw gradual improvements that built on each other until, over time, they had the fulfilling relationship they wanted.

Conclusion

Resentment and emotional disconnection in a long term relationship usually builds up over time. 

When conflicts go unaddressed and unrepaired in a relationship and resentment increases, emotional disconnection and loneliness also increase until the couple is trapped in a negative cycle.

Acknowledging the problem is the first step to improving the relationship. 

Although many couples end their current relationship and start a new one, they usually discover they develop the same problems in the new relationship because they don't have the communication and relationship skills necessary to sustain a healthy relationship (see my article: How to Avoid Making the Same Mistakes in One Relationship After the Next).

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

If you want to improve your relationship, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who is a couples therapist and certified sex therapist (see my article: What is Couples Sex Therapy?).

Individuals and couples seek help in sex therapy for a variety of reasons (see my article: Why Do People Seek Help in Couples Sex Therapy?).

A skilled sex therapist can help to dispel many of the misconceptions about sex therapy. For instance, there is no nudity, physical exams or sex during sex therapy sessions (see my article: What Are Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?).

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help so you can develop a more fulfilling relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have over 25 years of experience helping individual clients and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Article

How to Let Go of Resentments in Your Relationship 

 

Relationships: How Toxic Shame Makes Communication Challenging

Toxic shame can make communication very challenging in a relationship, so I'm exploring this issue and providing tips on how you can deal with this toxic shame.

What is Toxic Shame?

Before we delve into communication issues, let's start by defining toxic shame.

Toxic Shame in Relationships

Toxic shame is different from healthy shame.

Whereas healthy shame is usually a passing, situational emotion, toxic shame is a chronic, deep-seated belief of being unworthy, unlovable, flawed or bad (see my article: What is the Difference Between Healthy Shame and Toxic Shame?).

• Internalization: Toxic shame is an internalized experience--usually internalized during childhood. It affects your identity ("I am bad" or "I am unlovable" or "I am stupid"). Healthy shame isn't about your identity--it's about your behavior ("I did something bad" or "I said something wrong").

• Duration: Toxic shame is chronic and pervasive and healthy shame is temporary and dissipates after a while.

• Purpose: While healthy shame motivates positive change, moral development and repairing relationships, toxic shame causes "emotional paralysis", defensiveness, self sabotage and social withdrawal.

• Origin: Toxic shame usually develops in childhood due to abuse, emotional neglect, severe criticism or other types of trauma. Toxic shame creates a belief that love must be "earned" (e.g., good grades in school and in other performative ways).

• Impact: Toxic shame often leads to perfectionism in an attempt to hide "the broken self", people-pleasing or severe anxiety (see my article: Overcoming Perfectionism).

How Does Toxic Shame Create Communication Problems?

Toxic shame creates deep insecurity which makes it challenging to communicate.

Here are the main communication issues related to toxic shame:

• Defensiveness: Toxic shame makes individuals highly sensitive to perceived criticism. This can create a situation where even neutral comments can be heard as personal insults, which leads to defensiveness.

Toxic Shame in Relationships

• Distorted Perception: Toxic shame acts like a filter. This can make it difficult for individuals to accept love or believe they are worthy, which causes them to misunderstand or ignore their partner's positive expressions of affection.

• Emotional Withdrawing and Stonewalling: Toxic shame causes individuals to protect themselves from vulnerability by shutting down, withdrawing emotionally and/or physically, which can cause the other partner to feel lonely and abandoned (see my article: Are You a Stonewaller?).

• Anger and Aggression: Toxic shame can manifest as anger or aggression where one partner responds to vulnerability or conflict by lashing out, blaming or engaging in contemptuous behavior to deflect from feelings of inadequacy.

Toxic Shame and Perfectionism

• Perfectionism and Masking: An intense feeling of being "found out" as being inadequate can lead to hiding true feelings, maintaining a "perfect" facade and avoiding honest and open conversations about fears and insecurities.

How to Communicate With a Partner Who Has Toxic Shame

Julie Menanno, LMFT, an Emotionally Focused Therapist for couples discusses communication problems in her book, Secure Love.

As Ms. Menanno indicates, communicating with a partner who has toxic shame requires a "safe space" (see my article: Creating a Safe Haven For Each Other).

Here are some suggestions that can be helpful if you have a partner who experiences toxic shame:

• Validate Before Solving: Listen to your partner's emotional experience first without immediately jumping into a problem solving mode. Recognize that your partner might be acting out of toxic shame and pressure, so try not to take their words personally (see my article: What is Validation and Why Is It Such a Powerful Relationship Skill?).

• Use "I" Statements: Use "I" statements to express your feelings to avoid putting your partner on the defensive. An example would be: "I feel lonely when we don't talk for a few days" instead of "You always ignore me".

Teamwork in a Relationship

• Work Together on the Problem as a Team: Instead of attacking your partner, attack the problem together. Instead of saying "You did this wrong", say "I know this is a tough situation for both of us." Approach the problem in the spirit of teamwork to deal with it.

• Provide Reassurance: Since toxic shame can make your partner feel unworthy, remind your partner of your love and commitment.  

• Create Safe Openings: If your partner shuts down, create a safe opening by saying, "I notice you're distant. I care about you and I want to understand."

• Avoid "Why" Questions: Why questions like "Why did you do that?" can sound accusatory and trigger defensive reactions.

• Take Breaks: If the conversation gets too heated, take a short break and come back to it when you're both calmer (see my article: Breaking the Negative Cycle in Your Relationship).

• Prioritize Your Own Safety: If your partner is causing you harm, it's important to prioritize your own safety. Don't isolate. Talk to trusted loved ones and get support.

Getting Help in EFT Couples Therapy

If you and your partner have been unable to resolve problems between you, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional who is an EFT couples therapist (see my article: What is Emotionally Focused Therapy For Couples?.)

Getting Help in EFT Couples Therapy

Rather than struggling on your own, seek professional help so you can have a more fulfilling relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Emotionally Focused Therapist (EFT) for Couples, Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have over 25 years of experience helping individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

 

Relationships: Why is Sexual Aftercare Important?

I wrote about the importance of aftercare in a prior article about BDSM (Bondage and Discipline, Dominance and Submission and Sadism and Masochism), but aftercare isn't just for BDSM--it's important for non-BDSM encounters too, so I'm exploring that topic in this article.

Aftercare Shows You Care

The concept of sexual aftercare began in the BDSM community and is now considered a common practice in conventional sex that does not include BDSM.

What is Sexual Aftercare?

There is no one-size fits all approach to sexual aftercare.

Aftercare Shows You Care

Sexual aftercare is an essential part of sexual intimacy which helps to foster emotional connection and intimacy. 

Sexual aftercare involves both physical and emotional care which often go together.

Physical aftercare can include:

• Cuddling
• Offering a gentle massage
• Sharing a blanket
• Hydrating or having a snack
• Tending to potential injuries that can occur during sex including scratches or bruises
• Showering together
• Taking a nap
• Reading together
• Listening to music
• Anything partners enjoy that maintains physical comfort and closeness

Emotional aftercare can include:

• Open, reassuring conversations between partners
• Discussing vulnerable feelings

Why is Sexual Aftercare Important?

Sexual aftercare is important for many reasons including that it:

• Helps each partner to relax and recover in a caring way

Aftercare Shows You Care

• Shows mutual respect and appreciation

• Helps partners to feel secure

• Helps to ease partners to transition from sex to everyday life without feeling an abrupt change

• Helps the body to adjust to fading feel-good hormones like oxytocin and dopamine which are released during sexual activity

• Helps to avoid postcoital dysphoria which is a condition that some people experience after sex which includes sadness, anxiety or distress

• Helps to prevent negative emotions where one or both partners can feel used, dismissed, unappreciated. Other people can experience guilt or shame if they don't engage in sexual aftercare

What Not to Do After Sex

• Avoid jumping out of bed immediately after sex to take a shower unless you and your partner have agreed to this beforehand. If you abruptly leave your partner after sex, your partner can feel alone and abandoned after such an intimate experience. 

• If you feel sweaty and uncomfortable after sex, after you cuddle with your partner, you can use a warm wash cloth and offer one to your partner. You can also shower together so the showering becomes part of the sexual intimacy. 

• Even if you and your partner have a casual friendship or relationship, don't treat your partner like a sexual object. Show them respect and care.

How to Set Up Sexual Aftercare Before Sex

• Clear communication with your partner is the key to having sexual aftercare that you and your partner can enjoy together.

Aftercare Shows You Care

• Share information with your partner about your aftercare needs and find out what they prefer.

Conclusion

Sexual aftercare is an important part of sexual intimacy.

There is no right or wrong way to do sexual aftercare as long as it meets your needs and your partner's needs.

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

If you and your partner have been having sexual problems, you could benefit from talking to a sex therapist (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).

Individual adults and couples seek help in sex therapy for a variety of reasons (see my article: Why Do Individuals and Couples Seek Help in Sex Therapy).

Sex therapy is a form of talk therapy. There is no nudity or sex during sex therapy sessions (see my article: Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy).

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a certified sex therapist so you can have a more fulfilling relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist).

I have over 25 years of experience working with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles: 

Have You and Your Partner Stopped Having Sex?  

Sexual Desire Discrepancy: You and Your Partner Have Different Levels of Sexual Desire

What is Sexual Self Esteem? 

The Four Cs of Safer and More Pleasurable Sex 

Understanding Your Sexual Arousal Type  

Overcoming Anxiety-Related Erectile Problems 

To Improve Sexual Intimacy Get Off the Sexual Staircase

What is Erotic Empathy?  

Overcoming Sexual Shame and Guilt 

Overcoming Painful Sex

How to Set Boundaries With Friends If They're Texting You Too Much

There are some people who enjoy texting back and forth with their friends all day long and it's mutually satisfying for all the texters involved.

Setting Boundaries With Friends About Texting

But if you're not one of those people who enjoys constant texting and you have a friend who likes to send you lots of texts, rather than letting resentment and emotional distance grow, you can tactfully set a limit with your friend (see my article: Do You Feel Entitled to Set Boundaries With the People in Your Life?).

In a world where people can reach others in a flash by texting, a lot of people find it gratifying to express their thoughts and feelings in texts and enjoy the dopamine hit when their friends text back.

People who have problems understanding boundaries can text all day long without considering whether the person they're texting has the time and emotional bandwidth to deal with a barrage of texts (see my article: Do You Feel Overwhelmed By Your Friend's Problems?).

If you haven't set a limit, you can give your friend the benefit of the doubt that they might not know you don't like a lot of texts and that you don't have the time or emotional bandwidth for it. Therefore, it's up to you to communicate this to them so you take care of your time and mental health.

Why Do Excessive Texts Create Stress and Anxiety?

Here are some of the most common reasons:

• Pressure to Respond (Expectation of Availability): You might feel pressure to respond immediately. This often leads to stress and anxiety when you can't or you don't want to respond immediately.

• Digital Burnout and Overstimulation: Constant notifications can break concentration. The ongoing distraction can lead to mental fatigue.

• Lack of Personal Space: Excessive non-urgent texts throughout the day can feel like an intrusion on your privacy and downtime.

• Anxiety Trigger: A high volume of text messages can induce anxiety and a feeling of being overwhelmed.

• Disruption to Workflow and Personal Tasks: Constant interruptions can make it difficult to focus on work or personal tasks.

How to Set Boundaries With a Friend Who Texts Too Much

Here are some suggestions that might be helpful:

• Shift the Focus from Their Behavior to Your Own Needs and Boundaries: First, recognize that you have the right to your feelings as well as the right to set boundaries. If you can't set boundaries with others, you're going to feel frustrated and you'll probably have ongoing interpersonal problems due to the lack of boundaries. Assuming you want to maintain this friendship, you can say, "Having to check texts many times per day makes me feel anxious. I'm trying to check these notifications less."

• Express Appreciation For Their Friendship: Assuming you want to maintain this friendship, express your appreciation for your friend and the things you like about them so that you're not just focusing on something that bothers you about their behavior. 

Setting Boundaries With Friends About Texting

• Shift Time Spent With Your Friend From Texts to In-Person Visits: Suggest to your friend that you would like to know what's going on in their life, but you would prefer to do it in person. Then, suggest a time when you're free to meet in person. 

• Let Them Know When You're Available: Let your friend know when you're reachable and manage their expectations about when you're free to respond to texts. You can say something like, "I don't have time to check texts throughout the day, so I only check them after work" or "I've been so busy lately that I haven't had time to check personal texts." Then, as previously mentioned, you can suggest meeting when you're both free.

Setting Boundaries With Friends About Texting

• Let them Know You're "Unplugging" to Manage Your Stress: Let your friend know that, as part of a new lifestyle change, you're taking time to "unplug" from your phone and computer. You can tell them that, as part of your digital detox, you're cutting back on the time you spend reading email and texts. You can also tell them that if they don't hear from you for a few days, this is the reason.  

• Evaluate the Friendship: If your friend doesn't understand that you don't have the time and emotional bandwidth for a lot of texts in a day, you can evaluate whether the aspects you like about this friend outweigh this problem. If you have communicated your boundaries and they don't respect them, there might be other areas where you'll find they will cross your boundaries. At some point, you'll need to decide whether you want this friend in your life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego State Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have over 25 years of experiencing helping individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

What Does It Mean to Be "On a Break" From Your Relationship?

Anyone who watched the "Friends" episode, "The One Where Ross and Rachel Take a Break" remembers the problems that resulted from Rachel telling Ross during a heated argument that they should take a break.

Taking a Break From Your Relationship

During their argument, after Rachel suggests they take a break, Ross walks out feeling devastated. Then, he goes out to a club, gets drunk and he gets sexually involved with Chole, the "copy girl."

Soon afterwards, Rachel finds out that Ross slept with Chloe, which leads to another argument about what it means to be "on a break" and whether it meant that Ross and Rachel were broken up or they were temporarily not seeing each other but also not seeing anyone else.

This misunderstanding leads to a breakup because Rachel is hurt, angry and mistrustful of Ross.

What Does It Mean to Be "On a Break" From Your Relationship?

To avoid potential misunderstandings, it's important to be clear on what it means when you say you want a break in the relationship.

Here are some factors to consider:

• Define the Terms: Be clear with each other as to whether you're each taking a "pause" from the relationship in order to fix problems or if the break is actually the beginning stage of a permanent breakup.

• Establish Ground Rules: Be specific: Does it mean a one week break or a one month break or some other time period? Also, be clear as to whether you can each date other people or if other people are off limits.  Does it mean you're going to go no-contact? If not, what type of contact will you have (text? phone calls? etc) and how often. Whatever you both decide, respect the boundaries you have both agree to.  If you don't define the terms together, you're going to have misunderstandings similar to Ross and Rachel on "Friends".

Taking a Break From Your Relationship

• Focus on Self Care and Reflection: Use your time apart to think about your needs, your partner's needs, the relationship issues and whether or not you want to be in this relationship.

• Avoid Manipulation: Do not use the break to gain leverage or make your partner jealous.

• Manage Your Expectations: Be prepared for an outcome that could go either way including the possibility that the break can lead to a permanent separation.

• Don't Use a Temporary Break to Avoid Saying You Want a Permanent End to the Relationship: Many people who don't feel comfortable saying they want to end the relationship tell their partner that they want a temporary break knowing beforehand that they don't plan to reunite with their partner. They're too uncomfortable to talk about their real feelings, so they use the excuse of a temporary break as a way to exit the relationship. Then, they ghost their partners and don't respond when their partners contact them which leaves their partners feeling hurt, angry and betrayed. If you know. you want to end the relationship, say so. It will be a lot less painful for both of you in the long run if you're upfront and honest with yourself and your partner.

Get Help in Couples Therapy

If you're not sure how to handle being on a break or you're not sure if you even want a break, seek help in couples therapy.

Get Help in Couples Therapy

A skilled couples therapist can help you to define what you each want from your relationship and, if you choose to stay together, provide you with the tools and strategies to get there. 

If you decide not to stay together, a couples therapist can help you to break up in a way that is caring and respectful.

So, rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who is a couples therapist.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have over 25 years of experience working with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.