Relationships: How Toxic Shame Makes Communication Challenging

Toxic shame can make communication very challenging in a relationship, so I'm exploring this issue and providing tips on how you can deal with this toxic shame.

What is Toxic Shame?

Before we delve into communication issues, let's start by defining toxic shame.

Toxic Shame in Relationships

Toxic shame is different from healthy shame.

Whereas healthy shame is usually a passing, situational emotion, toxic shame is a chronic, deep-seated belief of being unworthy, unlovable, flawed or bad (see my article: What is the Difference Between Healthy Shame and Toxic Shame?).

• Internalization: Toxic shame is an internalized experience--usually internalized during childhood. It affects your identity ("I am bad" or "I am unlovable" or "I am stupid"). Healthy shame isn't about your identity--it's about your behavior ("I did something bad" or "I said something wrong").

• Duration: Toxic shame is chronic and pervasive and healthy shame is temporary and dissipates after a while.

• Purpose: While healthy shame motivates positive change, moral development and repairing relationships, toxic shame causes "emotional paralysis", defensiveness, self sabotage and social withdrawal.

• Origin: Toxic shame usually develops in childhood due to abuse, emotional neglect, severe criticism or other types of trauma. Toxic shame creates a belief that love must be "earned" (e.g., good grades in school and in other performative ways).

• Impact: Toxic shame often leads to perfectionism in an attempt to hide "the broken self", people-pleasing or severe anxiety (see my article: Overcoming Perfectionism).

How Does Toxic Shame Create Communication Problems?

Toxic shame creates deep insecurity which makes it challenging to communicate.

Here are the main communication issues related to toxic shame:

• Defensiveness: Toxic shame makes individuals highly sensitive to perceived criticism. This can create a situation where even neutral comments can be heard as personal insults, which leads to defensiveness.

Toxic Shame in Relationships

• Distorted Perception: Toxic shame acts like a filter. This can make it difficult for individuals to accept love or believe they are worthy, which causes them to misunderstand or ignore their partner's positive expressions of affection.

• Emotional Withdrawing and Stonewalling: Toxic shame causes individuals to protect themselves from vulnerability by shutting down, withdrawing emotionally and/or physically, which can cause the other partner to feel lonely and abandoned (see my article: Are You a Stonewaller?).

• Anger and Aggression: Toxic shame can manifest as anger or aggression where one partner responds to vulnerability or conflict by lashing out, blaming or engaging in contemptuous behavior to deflect from feelings of inadequacy.

Toxic Shame and Perfectionism

• Perfectionism and Masking: An intense feeling of being "found out" as being inadequate can lead to hiding true feelings, maintaining a "perfect" facade and avoiding honest and open conversations about fears and insecurities.

How to Communicate With a Partner Who Has Toxic Shame

Julie Menanno, LMFT, an Emotionally Focused Therapist for couples discusses communication problems in her book, Secure Love.

As Ms. Menanno indicates, communicating with a partner who has toxic shame requires a "safe space" (see my article: Creating a Safe Haven For Each Other).

Here are some suggestions that can be helpful if you have a partner who experiences toxic shame:

• Validate Before Solving: Listen to your partner's emotional experience first without immediately jumping into a problem solving mode. Recognize that your partner might be acting out of toxic shame and pressure, so try not to take their words personally (see my article: What is Validation and Why Is It Such a Powerful Relationship Skill?).

• Use "I" Statements: Use "I" statements to express your feelings to avoid putting your partner on the defensive. An example would be: "I feel lonely when we don't talk for a few days" instead of "You always ignore me".

Teamwork in a Relationship

• Work Together on the Problem as a Team: Instead of attacking your partner, attack the problem together. Instead of saying "You did this wrong", say "I know this is a tough situation for both of us." Approach the problem in the spirit of teamwork to deal with it.

• Provide Reassurance: Since toxic shame can make your partner feel unworthy, remind your partner of your love and commitment.  

• Create Safe Openings: If your partner shuts down, create a safe opening by saying, "I notice you're distant. I care about you and I want to understand."

• Avoid "Why" Questions: Why questions like "Why did you do that?" can sound accusatory and trigger defensive reactions.

• Take Breaks: If the conversation gets too heated, take a short break and come back to it when you're both calmer (see my article: Breaking the Negative Cycle in Your Relationship).

• Prioritize Your Own Safety: If your partner is causing you harm, it's important to prioritize your own safety. Don't isolate. Talk to trusted loved ones and get support.

Getting Help in EFT Couples Therapy

If you and your partner have been unable to resolve problems between you, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional who is an EFT couples therapist (see my article: What is Emotionally Focused Therapy For Couples?.)

Getting Help in EFT Couples Therapy

Rather than struggling on your own, seek professional help so you can have a more fulfilling relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Emotionally Focused Therapist (EFT) for Couples, Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have over 25 years of experience helping individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

 

How Does Shame Impact Relationships?

Shame can lead to destructive behavior in relationships (see my article: Self Acceptance as the Antidote to Shame).

How Shame Impacts Relationships

Shame often causes partners to present a false self in their relationship (see my article: Becoming Your True Self).

How Does Shame Impact Relationships?

Shame often shows up as unconscious self protective behavior driven by fear of being seen as flawed or unlovable.

Here are some of the ways shame impacts relationships:

• Emotional Withdrawal and Distancing: A partner might shut down emotionally or physically, go silent, pull away to hide feelings of inadequacy which creates barriers to intimacy.

• Anger and Aggression: To avoid feeling emotionally vulnerable, a partner might externalize shame by becoming angry, contemptuous, critical or abusive (see my article: Communication Problems: The Horsemen of the Apocalypse).

How Shame Impacts Couples

• Perfectionism and People Pleasing: A partner might try to earn love by trying to be "perfect", which causes them to abandon their own emotional needs in order to please their partner and avoid rejection (see my articles: People Pleasing and What is Self Abandonment?).

• Self Sabotage: Shame can make a partner believe they are unworthy of love which can cause them to create conflict or push their partner away (see my article: Overcoming Self Sabotaging Behavior).

• Defensiveness: Shame can make a partner defensive, blame their partner or refuse to take responsibility for their actions (see my article: How to Change Defensive Behavior).

• Physical Signs: Shame can be expressed through body language such as tension, hunched posture, blushing or refusing to make eye contact.

• Controlling Behavior: A partner can behave in a domineering way to hide their feelings of inadequacy (see my article: Controlling Behavior).

How to Overcome a Negative Cycle of Shame in a Relationship

Here are some of the essential strategies for overcoming shame in a relationship:

• Vulnerability and Open Communication:  Vulnerability and open communication are essential parts of any healthy relationship (see my article: Emotional Vulnerability as a Pathway to Emotional Intimacy).

Overcoming the Negative Cycle

• Identify Triggers: Identifying each partner's triggers will help each person to be aware and try to avoid triggering and retriggering each other. Being aware of triggers can also help partners to identify and prevent the negative cycle in their relationship.

• Practice Compassion: Compassion, including self compassion, can help you to feel empathy for yourself and your partner.

• Own Your Mistakes: When you own your mistakes, instead of becoming defensive, you and your partner are more likely to be able to repair ruptures without creating long lasting resentment (see my article: Having the Courage to Admit to Your Mistakes).

• Build an Emotionally Safe Environment: Create an emotionally safe environment in your relationship (see my article: How to Create Emotional Safety in Your Relationship).

Create Emotional Safety in Your Relationship

• Replace Shame With Connection: Share your vulnerable feelings with your partner. Instead of being judgmental with your partner, become curious. Create a relationship where you both feel seen, heard and valued. Aside from communicating verbally, rebuild closeness through shared activities like physical touch, hobbies or going for a walk.

Seek Help in EFT Couples Therapy

• Seek Professional Help: If you and your partner feel stuck, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who is an Emotionally Focused couples therapist (EFT). An EFT therapist can help you to overcome the negative cycle in your relationship that keeps you from having a fulfilling relationship (see my article: What is Emotionally Focused Therapy For Couples?).

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS/Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have over 25 years of experience working with individual adults and couples.

To learn more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Relationships: Why is It So Hard to Validate Your Partner's Vulnerability?

As a psychotherapist in New York City who works with individual adults and couples, I see many relationships who have problems with emotional validation.

Problems With Validating Your Partner's Vulnerability

In a prior article, Validation as a Pathway to Greater Emotional and Sexual Intimacy, I discussed the importance of vulnerability in developing emotional and sexual intimacy in your relationship.

In the current article I'm focusing on why it can be difficult to validate a partner's emotional vulnerability.

Why Is Validating a Partner's Vulnerability Difficult?

People often struggle to validate their partner's vulnerability for many reasons including:

• Misunderstanding validation: Believing it means agreeing or admitting fault--rather than acknowledging their partner's emotional reality.

• Fear and defensiveness: Vulnerability can trigger personal fears (fear of rejection or fear of inadequacy), making a partner defensive and punishing their partner for being vulnerable.

Problems With Validating Your Partner's Vulnerability

• Lack of Skills: Not knowing how to validate, struggling with emotional intelligence or an inability to handle intense emotions.

• Past Experiences of Being Hurt: Prior experiences of being hurt when vulnerability was met with rejection or criticism can create barriers.

• Societal Norms: Pressure to be stoic, especially for men, can hinder emotional sharing.

• Differing Perspectives: Difficulty accepting a partner's perspective due to a differing perspective.

• Emotional Disconnection: Being disconnected from their own own painful feelings. This can drive invalidating behavior towards their partner.

What Does Invalidating Behavior Look Like in Relationships?

The following are some examples of invalidating behavior:

• Dismissing a partner's feelings as "irrational" or "ridiculous".

• Turning away from a partner.

Problems With Validating Your Partner's Vulnerability

• Rolling their eyes, which is a form of contempt (see my article: Improving Communication By Avoiding the 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse).

• Changing the subject

• Focusing only on their own feelings about the topic

Conclusion

Validation isn't agreement.

Validation is about creating a safe haven for your partner's emotional experience.

Validating your partner requires a conscious effort, but the good news is that validation is a skill that can be learned (see my article: How to Validate Your Partner's Emotional Vulnerability).

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

If you and your partner have been struggling with problems in your relationship, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional who specializes in working with couples.

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

A skilled couples therapist can help you to develop the skills and tools you need to have a more fulfilling relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Relationships: How to Respond in a Supportive Way to Your Partner's Emotional Vulnerability

Many people in relationships don't know how to respond to their partner's emotional vulnerability. This is significant because vulnerability is a pathway to emotional and sexual intimacy.

Responding to Your Partner's Emotional Vulnerability

Why Do People Have Problems Responding to Their Partner's Emotional Vulnerability?

People who have problems responding in a supportive way to their partner's vulnerability might have some or all of the following problems:

• Deep-seated Fears of Their Own Vulnerability: A partner's emotional vulnerability can trigger underlying fears, insecurities and painful memories. Instead of being supportive, these individuals might react to their partner's vulnerability with indifferences, scorn, criticism, disgust or indifference in order to protect themselves from their own feelings of vulnerability.

• An Insecure Attachment Style: A person's attachment style, which is formed in early childhood, can influence their ability to respond in a supportive way (see my article: How Your Attachment Style Affects Your Relationship):

• Avoidant Partners: These partners might pull away from a partner showing vulnerability. They might also feel overwhelmed when their partner expresses deep emotions because they equate intimacy with a loss of independence.

• Anxious Partners: These partners might focus on their own fear of abandonment which makes it difficult for them to respond empathetically to their partner's vulnerability.

• Negative Patterns of Behavior Learned From Past Experiences: Past experiences include early childhood. For instance, if someone was told by their parent that they were "acting like a baby" when they cry, when they become adults, they are more likely to react negatively to their partner's vulnerability. 

Responding to Your Partner's Emotional Vulnerability

• Fear of Intimacy: Even though a partner might crave closeness, their fear of intimacy can cause them to resist getting close to their partner. They might equate vulnerability with "weakness", risk of emotional pain or risk of future betrayal (see my article: The Connection Between Fear of Intimacy and Unresolved Trauma).

• Unresolved Trauma: Partners who have unresolved trauma, including childhood abuse or neglect, can find it difficult to let their guard down to be supportive of their partner.

• Low Self Esteem: A partner who has low self esteem might not feel worthy of their partner's affection. They might interpret their partner's vulnerability as criticism or a setup for an eventual rejection.

• Lack of Emotional Intelligence: A person who lacks emotional intelligence often lacks self awareness so that they might not recognize or understand their own feelings. If they don't recognize their own feelings, they probably won't understand or empathize with their partner's feelings (see my article: Why is Emotional Intelligence (EQ) Important in Your Relationship?).

What Are the Negative Dynamics in a Relationship When a Partner Can't Deal With Emotional Vulnerability?

When an individual has problems dealing with their partner's emotional vulnerability, this can set up a negative cycle where vulnerability is punished: 

• Past Punishment of Vulnerability: When a partner's past experiences of showing vulnerability were met with indifference, hostility or criticism, they might become hesitant to open up emotionally again. This often creates a negative cycle of emotional disconnection.

Responding to Your Partner's Emotional Vulnerability

• Ineffective Communication Patterns: Many couples lack the necessary communication skills and tools to communicate effectively.  For example, if one partner says to the other, "I'm afraid you don't love me anymore", the second partner might become defensive and angry and respond, "Well, it's your own fault. You're always too tired to go out and have fun."

• Defensive Reactions: When a partner shows vulnerability, instead of being supportive, the partner who fears vulnerability might react defensively:

• Stonewalling: Shutting down or withdrawing completely

• Contempt: Responding with sarcasm, mockery or insults

• Defensiveness: Making excuses or blaming their partner

• Attempts For Connection Are Missed: A vulnerable statement is an attempt to re-establish connection and intimacy. When a partner responds negatively to this attempt, it can create emotional distance between the partners.

What Are the Consequences of Negative Responses to a Partner's Vulnerability?

• Erosion of Trust: When a partner realizes that their expressions of emotional vulnerability are met with a negative response, they learn that it's not safe to be open with their partner.

Responding to Your Partner's Vulnerability

• Increased Conflict: When underlying issues remain unresolved, this can lead to more intense conflicts in the relationship.

• Decreased Intimacy: Negative responses to vulnerability often leads to a decrease in emotional and sexual intimacy which creates distance and loneliness.

• Heightened Emotional and Physical Stress: Chronic negative communication patterns raise stress levels which can impact on mental and physical health.

How Can You Break the Negative Cycle?

Breaking the negative cycle is an important strategy for improving a relationship (see my article: Breaking the Negative Cycle in Your Relationship).

The following strategies might be helpful to break a negative cycle in your relationship?

• Take a Break: If you or your partner feel overwhelmed, you can take a break to calm down and collect your thoughts. Before taking a break, have an agreement as to when you will get back together to talk again so that taking a break doesn't become an excuse for avoiding the conversation. Also, if you or your partner have an anxious attachment style, knowing when you will get back together to talk can help to soothe anxiety and fears of abandonment.

• Identify Your Triggers: Develop an awareness as to what your partner says that triggers your fears or defensiveness. Understanding your triggers is the first step. in learning to. manage your emotions (see my article: Becoming Aware of Your Triggers).

• Practice Empathy and Validation: Instead of being critical or getting defensive, try to understand your partner's feelings. You don't have to agree with your partner. You can respond by validating your partner's feelings and saying, "That sounds hard" or "I can hear how much that hurts you" (see my article: How to Develop and Use Validation Skills in Your Relationship).

Responding to Your Partner's Vulnerability

• Use "I" Statements: Instead of blaming your partner, frame your feelings in a nonjudgmental and non-defensive way. For instance, instead of saying "You make me worried when..." say "I feel worried when..."

Get Help in Couples Therapy

• Seek Professional Help: A skilled couples therapist can help you and your partner to identify the negative cycles you get into together and also help you to develop better communication and relationship skills.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many people to overcome obstacles to having a fulfilling relationship.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

What Are Gottman's 5 Types of Couples?

Dr. John Gottman, world renowned relationship expert, has conducted relationship research for over 40 years. He is best known for predicting marital stability and divorce. 

What Are the 5 Types of Couples?

If you're in a relationship, understanding Dr. Gottman's classification of couples can help you to understand your relationship dynamics.

Gottman's 5 Types of Couples

Based on his 40+ years of research, Dr. Gottman has described five different types of relationships. 

What Are the 5 Types of Relationships?

The first three described below are considered functional couples and the last two are considered  dysfunctional couples.

Here are the functional and dysfunctional classifications and below that I describe them in detail:

Functional Types of Couples:

• Conflict-Avoiding Couples
• Volatile Couples
• Validating Couples

Dysfunctional Types of Couples:

• Hostile Couples
• Hostile-Detached Couples

The 5 Types of Couples in Detail

Let's look at each category in more detail:

Conflict-Avoiding Couples

Conflict-avoiding couples prefer to focus on areas of their life where they are in mutual agreement.  They value their common ground.

They like to balance their independence as well as their interdependence in the relationship. They're more likely to have separate interests as well as interests they enjoy together (see my article: What's the Difference Between Codependency and Interdependency?).

As independent individuals in a relationship, they like to focus on areas where they overlap and where there is cooperation and negotiation.  

They tend to be empathetic towards each other.

They can be low key and emotionally muted. 

They're not comfortable trying to coerce their partner into doing things their way. They prefer to focus on areas where things are "good enough" between them.

Their positive to negative affect ratio is 5:1, which Gottman considers a healthy ratio.

There is a downside if there is too much conflict avoidance including:

• A withdrawal from conflict so conflicts remains unresolved
• Distance and breakdown in communication
• A buildup of frustration and resentment
• Stress and anxiety
• A buildup of distrust

Volatile Couples

Volatile couples tend to be the opposite of conflict avoidant couples.

These couples tend to be intensely emotional. They like to debate and argue--although they tend to be respectful and avoid insulting one another.

Their debating style tends to include humor and laughter (see my article: The Power of Humor and Laughter in Relationships).

During their arguments, they express anger and hurt feelings, but they tend not to express contempt for each other.

Even though they might argue a lot, they focus on honesty and connection in their communication.

Their positive to negative affect ratio is 5:1 which is a healthy ratio.

The downside of too much volatility in a relationship includes:

• Small slights can trigger larger arguments (see my article: How to Keep Small Arguments From Developing into Big Arguments).
• Too much volatility can lead to problems with communication if arguments go on for too long.
• Volatility can lead to hostility (see the description for Hostile Couples below)
• Too much volatility can lead to saying things each person doesn't mean and which can be hard to take back when each person is hurting.
• Ongoing volatility can create a sense of hopelessness.

Validating Couples

Validating couples tend to be somewhere between conflict avoidant couples and volatile couples.

Validating couples tend to be characterized by calm and ease (see my article: Responding to Your Partner With Emotional Attunement and Validation).

Validating Couples

They tend to be empathetic towards each other and place a lot of emphasis on being supportive and validating.  Basically, they go along to get along.

Although they are supportive of one another, they do confront their problems. However, they tend to choose their battles. 

When they have opposing views, they can confront the issues, but they tend to work at finding a solution they can both live with to resolve the problem. 

Overall, their mood is subdued and cordial.

In terms of positive to negative affect, they usually show a healthy 5:1 ratio.

The downside to too much validation in a relationship includes:

• Unhealthy validation could include overlooking problems which can prevent change and growth.
• A misinterpretation of validation as agreement rather than an attempt to understand one another even when there isn't agreement.
• Unhealthy validation can include an avoidance of conflict so that conflicts remain unresolved which can lead to each person feeling unhappy.

Hostile Couples

Hostile couples tend to have a lot of defensiveness.

Hostile couples tend to use the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse in their arguments including:

• Criticism
• Contempt
• Defensiveness
• Stonewalling
  

There tends to be a lack of empathy in hostile couples and a lot of emphasis on contempt.

They tend to focus on their own point of view with little to no attempt to try to understand their partner's side of the argument.

When they criticize each other, they tend to use exaggerated statements like "You always" and "You never."

They tend to have the same arguments over and over again without resolution. They also tend to have damaging arguments in front of their children.

Although they have frequent arguments, they also tend to regulate their arguments so that their arguments don't get out of control.

Many hostile couples can be intimacy avoidant. 

Even though they might be very unhappy in the relationship, they tend to stay together where they remain attached to the hostility between them.

The ratio of positive affects to negative affects tend to be low in this type of relationship.

Hostile-Detached Couples

These couples tend to be engaged in a hostile standoff. 

Although they interact in a hostile way towards each other, they are also emotionally detached.  This emotional detachment can lead to loneliness for both of them.

Similar to hostile couples, hostile-detached couples also use the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse which, as previously mentioned, includes: 

• Criticism
• Contempt
• Defensiveness
• Stonewalling
  

Whereas hostile couples tend to regulate their arguments so they don't get out of control, hostile-detached couples tend to keep fighting until they're exhausted and there tends to be a fair amount of emotional abuse in this type of couple.

Based on information from Dr. Gottman's research, hostile-detached couples are the most dysfunctional couples and they are more likely to get divorced as compared to the other types of couples.

The ratio of positive to negative affects is the lowest for this type of couple as compared to others.

Conclusion

Many couples don't fall neatly into a particular category, so they might be a combination of these classifications at different times in their relationship.

What Are the 5 Types of Relationships?

If you're having problems in your relationship, you might find Gottman's classifications useful in understanding the dynamics in your relationship.

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

If you and your partner have been unable to resolve your problems, you could benefit from seeking help in couples therapy. 

    

    See my article: What is Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) For Couples?

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

A skilled couples therapist can help you to make changes in your relationship so that you can have a more fulfilling relationship.

Seeking help sooner rather than later can make a big difference.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT for Couples, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Improving Communication in Your Relationship: How to Stop "Kitchen Sinking" Your Partner

In my prior article about improving communication in a relationship, What's the Difference Between Complaining and Criticizing? , I focused on a common problem that many couples have when they argue, which is criticizing their partner's personality or character instead of complaining about a particular action or behavior (see my article: Improve Communication in Your Relationship By Eliminating the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse).

In the current article, I'm focusing on another common problem: "kitchen sinking."

What is "Kitchen Sinking" in a Relationship?

"Kitchen sinking" involves bringing up unrelated issues or past grievances when a couple is arguing about a particular issue.

Stop "Kitchen Sinking" Your Partner

Metaphorically, "kitchen sinking" refers to when one or both partners throw everything at each other except the kitchen sink. 

An Example of "Kitchen Sinking"

Betty (sounding frustrated): "I felt disappointed when I woke up this morning and found the same dirty dishes in the sink you said you would wash.  We talked about the ant problem and how important it is not to leave dirty dishes in the sink because we just got over an infestation."

Ray (defensively): "Yeah, well, you're not perfect either. Last week you forgot to make a payment on our credit card and we were charged interest."

Betty (annoyed): "What does that have to do with the dishes in the sink? Can we stick to that topic?"

Stop "Kitchen Sinking" Your Partner

Ray (defensively): If you're going to complain to me about something I didn't do, I'm going to complain about something you didn't do. Not only that--we agreed that you would take care of making travel arrangements for our trip that's coming up in two months and you haven't done that either. You also didn't get an estimate from the electrician yet. And don't think I forgot about how you kept me waiting at the restaurant for 20 minutes last month."

Betty (even more frustrated): "I don't know why you're bringing up all these other things that we've already discussed? And you know I already apologized for keeping you waiting last month and you accepted my apology. Why do you keep bringing up all these unrelated things?"

Ray (as he's walking out the door): "Oh forget it! I can't talk to you. I'm going to see my friend, Mike. Don't wait up for me."

Betty (exasperated as she watches Ray walk out the door): "I'm so overwhelmed and tired of these arguments" (referring to ongoing arguments where Ray has a tendency to "kitchen sink" her).

Why is "Kitchen Sinking" a Problem?

The problems with "kitchen sinking" includes:

• Diverting attention away from the current problem
• Cluttering the current topic with a list of unrelated problems
• Muddling the current topic
• Escalating the discussion from a complaint to criticism
• Making it difficult to get back to the original problem
• Making it difficult to resolve the original problem
• Creating resentment and frustration
• Creating stress and emotional overwhelm

In the example above, Betty starts the conversation with a complaint about Ray's behavior when she expresses her disappointment that he didn't follow through on their agreement that he would wash the dishes.

Note that she's using an "I message" about how she feels and she's not criticizing his personality or character. Her complaint is specific regarding his behavior (or in this case about something he agreed to do and didn't).  

She also referred to why it was important to wash the dishes because it's connected to a problem they're trying to avoid, which is a reoccurrence of an infestation of ants.

Ray, who felt defensive about not doing what he said he would do, chose to respond by criticizing Betty when he told her she's "not perfect." 

Consciously or unconsciously, he's hoping to divert the discussion away from his behavior to Betty's character ("not perfect") and a list of unrelated grievances he has against her, including her lateness from last month after he already accepted her apology and, supposedly, forgiven her for being late.

How to Stop "Kitchen Sinking" Your Partner

The following suggestions could help you and your partner if one or both of you have a tendency to engage in "kitchen sinking":

• Regulate Your Emotions: If you know you have a tend to fly off the handle, get defensive and divert discussions from the topic at hand to unrelated topics, learn to regulate your emotions by:

• Slowing down

• Recognizing and learning to cope with your triggers

• Using effective strategies to cope with heated discussions with your partner

• Focusing on the present moment and the current problem

• Taking a break if you feel yourself getting overwhelmed, but do so by having an agreement with your partner beforehand about when you'll resume the discussion at a mutually agreed upon time. Then, follow through with that agreement by getting back to the discussion after you have calmed down.

• Be Intentional: Before you and your partner engage in a discussion, agree to what you'll both be discussing and then stick to that topic.  Avoid criticizing or bringing up unrelated topics. Communicate with "I" messages ("I feel guilty that I didn't do what I said I would do").

• Take Responsibility: Instead of trying to divert the discussion into unrelated areas, take responsibility if you know you made a mistake. This can help to avoid long drawn out arguments. And, if you're the partner who is complaining, practice compassion and forgiveness, when appropriate, especially if the problem is relatively minor.

Focus on Problems as a Team

• Focus on the Problem as a Team: Instead of criticizing and blaming each other, focus on resolving the problem together as a team.

Get Help in Therapy

When "kitchen sinking" has become an ingrained pattern for a couple, it often becomes part of a negative cycle in a relationship (see my article: Breaking the Negative Cycle in Your Relationship With Emotionally Focused Therapy For Couples).

If you and your partner have been unable to improve your communication on your own, you could benefit from working with a couples therapist who knows how to help couples to overcome communication problems.

A skilled couples therapist can help you to develop the skills and strategies you need to improve your communication so you can have a more fulfilling relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples and I have helped many clients to communicate more effectively in their relationships.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW.- NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.