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NYC Psychotherapist Blog

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Showing posts with label empathy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label empathy. Show all posts

Wednesday, October 8, 2025

Relationships: How to Respond in a Supportive Way to Your Partner's Emotional Vulnerability

Many people in relationships don't know how to respond to their partner's emotional vulnerability. This is significant because vulnerability is a pathway to emotional and sexual intimacy.

Responding to Your Partner's Emotional Vulnerability

Why Do People Have Problems Responding to Their Partner's Emotional Vulnerability?
People who have problems responding in a supportive way to their partner's vulnerability might have some or all of the following problems:
  • Deep-seated Fears of Their Own Vulnerability: A partner's emotional vulnerability can trigger underlying fears, insecurities and painful memories. Instead of being supportive, these individuals might react to their partner's vulnerability with indifferences, scorn, criticism, disgust or indifference in order to protect themselves from their own feelings of vulnerability.
    • Avoidant Partners: These partners might pull away from a partner showing vulnerability. They might also feel overwhelmed when their partner expresses deep emotions because they equate intimacy with a loss of independence.
  • Negative Patterns of Behavior Learned From Past Experiences: Past experiences include early childhood. For instance, if someone was told by their parent that they were "acting like a baby" when they cry, when they become adults, they are more likely to react negatively to their partner's vulnerability. 
Responding to Your Partner's Emotional Vulnerability
  • Fear of Intimacy: Even though a partner might crave closeness, their fear of intimacy can cause them to resist getting close to their partner. They might equate vulnerability with "weakness", risk of emotional pain or risk of future betrayal (see my article: The Connection Between Fear of Intimacy and Unresolved Trauma).
  • Unresolved Trauma: Partners who have unresolved trauma, including childhood abuse or neglect, can find it difficult to let their guard down to be supportive of their partner.
  • Low Self Esteem: A partner who has low self esteem might not feel worthy of their partner's affection. They might interpret their partner's vulnerability as criticism or a setup for an eventual rejection.
What Are the Negative Dynamics in a Relationship When a Partner Can't Deal With Emotional Vulnerability?
When an individual has problems dealing with their partner's emotional vulnerability, this can set up a negative cycle where vulnerability is punished: 
  • Past Punishment of Vulnerability: When a partner's past experiences of showing vulnerability were met with indifference, hostility or criticism, they might become hesitant to open up emotionally again. This often creates a negative cycle of emotional disconnection.
Responding to Your Partner's Emotional Vulnerability
  • Ineffective Communication Patterns: Many couples lack the necessary communication skills and tools to communicate effectively.  For example, if one partner says to the other, "I'm afraid you don't love me anymore", the second partner might become defensive and angry and respond, "Well, it's your own fault. You're always too tired to go out and have fun."
  • Defensive Reactions: When a partner shows vulnerability, instead of being supportive, the partner who fears vulnerability might react defensively:
    • Contempt: Responding with sarcasm, mockery or insults
    • Attempts For Connection Are Missed: A vulnerable statement is an attempt to re-establish connection and intimacy. When a partner responds negatively to this attempt, it can create emotional distance between the partners.
What Are the Consequences of Negative Responses to a Partner's Vulnerability?
  • Erosion of Trust: When a partner realizes that their expressions of emotional vulnerability are met with a negative response, they learn that it's not safe to be open with their partner.
Responding to Your Partner's Vulnerability
  • Increased Conflict: When underlying issues remain unresolved, this can lead to more intense conflicts in the relationship.
  • Decreased Intimacy: Negative responses to vulnerability often leads to a decrease in emotional and sexual intimacy which creates distance and loneliness.
  • Heightened Emotional and Physical Stress: Chronic negative communication patterns raise stress levels which can impact on mental and physical health.
How Can You Break the Negative Cycle?
Breaking the negative cycle is an important strategy for improving a relationship (see my article: Breaking the Negative Cycle in Your Relationship).

The following strategies might be helpful to break a negative cycle in your relationship?
  • Take a Break: If you or your partner feel overwhelmed, you can take a break to calm down and collect your thoughts. Before taking a break, have an agreement as to when you will get back together to talk again so that taking a break doesn't become an excuse for avoiding the conversation. Also, if you or your partner have an anxious attachment style, knowing when you will get back together to talk can help to soothe anxiety and fears of abandonment.
  • Identify Your Triggers: Develop an awareness as to what your partner says that triggers your fears or defensiveness. Understanding your triggers is the first step. in learning to. manage your emotions (see my article: Becoming Aware of Your Triggers).
  • Practice Empathy and Validation: Instead of being critical or getting defensive, try to understand your partner's feelings. You don't have to agree with your partner. You can respond by validating your partner's feelings and saying, "That sounds hard" or "I can hear how much that hurts you" (see my article: How to Develop and Use Validation Skills in Your Relationship).
Responding to Your Partner's Vulnerability
  • Use "I" Statements: Instead of blaming your partner, frame your feelings in a nonjudgmental and non-defensive way. For instance, instead of saying "You make me worried when..." say "I feel worried when..."
Get Help in Couples Therapy
  • Seek Professional Help: A skilled couples therapist can help you and your partner to identify the negative cycles you get into together and also help you to develop better communication and relationship skills.
About Me
I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many people to overcome obstacles to having a fulfilling relationship.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Thursday, September 25, 2025

Relationships: Start With Curiosity and Not Confrontation

Starting with curiosity instead of confrontation means approaching a challenging situation by first seeking to understand the other person's feelings and behavior from their perspective and not just from your own.

Start With Curiosity and Not Confrontation

This involves asking open ended questions like: "Can you tell me more? I would like to understand."

Why Should You Start With Curiosity?
Curiosity allows you to remain open to your partner's perspective rather than assuming you understand when you might not.

In addition, curiosity:
  • Builds Bridges, Not Walls: Whereas confrontation creates walls and divisions, curiosity builds bridges by promoting understanding and connection.
  • Encourages Open Communication: A curious approach encourages honest sharing of thoughts, feelings and ideas without the fear of judgment, which leads to more transparent conversations.
Start With Curiosity and Not Confrontation
  • Allows Your Partner to Be Open and Cooperative: When your partner feels you are genuinely curious and you're not being judgmental or critical, they are more likely to be open and cooperative.
  • Unlocks Solutions: By exploring the root causes of the conflict, you can both discover innovative and more effective solutions that get to the core of the issue.
  • Prompts Empathy: By considering that your partner is a decent person who arrived at their particular point of view, you're more likely to have empathy for them--even if your  perspective differs from theirs. Your empathy can help with finding a compromise to the problem.
How Can You Practice Using Curiosity?
  • Ask Open Ended Questions: Instead of making assumptions, ask open ended questions that encourages your partner to share more.
  • Be An Active Listener: Focus on listening to understand your partner's viewpoint instead of just waiting to respond so you can argue your point of view.
Start With Curiosity and Not Confrontation
  • Check Your Own Biases: Be aware of your own conscious and unconscious biases and try to suspend your biases so you can avoid jumping to conclusions and making immediate judgments.
  • Acknowledge Your Own Role in the Conflict: Be curious about your own perceptions and behavior to understand how you might be contributing to the conflict.
  • Create Space For a Deeper Understanding: Slow down and create pauses in the conversation for a deeper understanding and greater insight.
Get Help in Couples Therapy
If you and your partner have tried to approach your conflicts with curiosity and not confrontation but you're not making progress, consider working with an experienced couples therapist.

A skilled couples therapist can help you to overcome the obstacles in your relationship.

Get Help in Couples Therapy

Rather than continuing to engage in the same behavior that isn't working, get help in couples therapy so you can have a more meaningful relationship.

About Me
I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples and I have helped many people to have more fulfilling relationships.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me,




Friday, June 20, 2025

11 Characteristics of Happy Couples

All relationships go through challenges from time to time, but happy couples tend to have certain characteristics in common:
Characteristics of Happy Couple
  • Trust and Honesty: Along with effective communication and active listening, happy couples build a foundation of trust and honesty.
  • Mutual Respect: They value each other's feelings and perspective. They also respect each other's individuality.
Characteristics of Happy Couples
Characteristics of Happy Couples
  • Prioritize the Relationship: Even though they have friends, they work and they maintain relationships with family members, they prioritize their relationship as being the most important relationship. 
Characteristics of Happy Couples
Getting Help in Couples Therapy
As I mentioned earlier, all couples go through challenging times.

If you and your partner have been unable to resolve your problems on your own, you could benefit from getting help from a licensed mental health professional who works with couples.

Characteristics of Happy Couples

A skilled couples therapist can help you to overcome the obstacles in your relationship if you wish to stay together or help you to end the relationship amicably and with respect (see my article: How to Get the Most Out of Your Couples Therapy Sessions).

About Me
I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I have over 20 years of experience working with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Friday, June 13, 2025

Relationships: Coping With Your Partner's Annoying Habits

It's not unusual for people in relationships to find their partner's habits annoying. 

This usually isn't discussed when people are considering moving in together or getting married.

Coping With Your Partner's Annoying Habits

Sometimes people get caught in the trap of trying to change their partner, which tends to backfire (see my article: The Problem With Trying to Change Your Partner).

When you and your partner live together, it's inevitable you will both experience moments of annoyance with each other. These moments might involve annoying habits you weren't aware of when you were dating (see my article: Relationships: The Ideal vs the Real).

Since you are two different people with your own unique personalities, values, habits and quirks, there are bound to be things that bother each of you. 

It's not a matter of whether you and your partner discover annoying habits about each other but rather how you will handle these situations.

Common Situations That People in Relationships Find Annoying
As a psychotherapist who works with individual adults and couples, I have heard many clients complain about their partner's habits including:
  • Arriving late without an apology or reason
  • Forgetting to do chores on a consistent basis
  • Leaving clothes on the floor
  • Ignoring personal hygiene
  • Leaving dirty dishes in the sink
Coping With Your Partner's Annoying Habits
  • Not acknowledging or appreciating a partner's efforts
  • Chewing loudly
  • Looking at their phone a lot when they are supposed to be spending quality time together
  • Drinking directly from a carton and putting the carton back in the refrigerator
  • Nitpicking
  • Leaving the toilet seat up
  • And many other examples
How to Cope With Your Partner's Annoying Habits and Be Open to Hearing About Your Own
What one person finds annoying might not be at all annoying to someone else. So, don't be surprised if your partner has a hard time accepting that their habits are annoying or that when your partner tells you what they find annoying that you're also in denial.

Steps to Addressing and Hearing About Annoying Habits:
  • Communicate Tactfully and with Empathy: Rather than waiting until you have reached your limit, talk to your partner in a calm and tactful way.  Chances are your partner isn't trying to be annoying (just as you're not trying to annoy your partner with your habits) so give them the benefit of the doubt.  A little empathy can go a long way.
Coping With Your Partner's Annoying Habits

  • Find a Convenient Time to Talk: Rather than having a conversation on the fly while your partner is racing out the door for work, find a convenient time for each of you where you can sit down calmly to discuss things.
  • Put Yourself in Your Partner's Shoes and Be Flexible: You might feel that you have the best way for doing household chores, but your partner's way might be equally good. For instance, your way might be to wash the dishes as soon as you finish eating, but your partner might prefer to relax first. Neither way is right or wrong--just different.
Coping With Your Partner's Annoying Habits
  • Be Patient and Find a Compromise: For example, your partner might not be as good as you are with planning their time so they tend to arrive late. While they are in the process of learning to manage their time better, instead of looking at your watch and getting increasingly angry, can you use the time to answer an email, call a friend or read a newspaper article on your phone? You can both agree this is a temporary compromise as your partner is developing better time management skills.
  • Balance Positive and Negative Feedback: Often when people get fed up with their partner's habits, they unleash a barrage of criticism against their partner. They might also "kitchen sink" their partner by telling them about all their annoying habits at once, which can be overwhelming for your partner to hear. So, make sure you start with some positive feedback so you don't hurt your partner's feelings with only negative feedback  (see my article: Improving Communication in Your Relationship: How to Stop "Kitchen Sinking" Your Partner).
  • Choose Your Battles: Think about what's most important to you. Maybe you live with your partner forgetting to put the toilet seat down, but you can't stand it when your partner leaves clothes on the floor. 
Are You Focusing on Annoying Habits When There Are More Serious Problems in the Relationship?
Sometimes couples argue about annoying habits when there are more serious underlying  problems in the relationship that they are either unaware of or they are reluctant to address.

The following clinical vignette, which is a composite of many cases, illustrates how a couple can avoid talking about serious problems in the relationship by focusing on annoying habits:

June and Roger
During the honeymoon phase of their relationship, June and Roger were in a long distance relationship

June lived in New York City and Roger lived in Dallas, so they only saw each other once or twice a month. During that time, they were so in love with each other that they couldn't wait to be together.

Coping With Your Partner's Annoying Habits

Six months into the relationship, Roger accepted a job in New York City and he moved in with June.  Initially, they were both so happy to be together, but over time, they began to argue over seemingly little things.

After they sought help in couples therapy, Jane complained that Roger was constantly texting on his phone--even when they had carved out special time to be together.  Roger said he tried to put away his phone, but he felt he had to respond promptly to texts.

They agreed to a compromise where Roger would put his phone away when they were out to dinner and only check it as they were leaving the restaurant or when they got home. But Roger had a hard time not looking at his phone during the dinner and June felt frustrated with him and disrespected.

Then, during one of their couples therapy sessions June mentioned reluctantly that she thought Roger was texting another woman. In response, Roger got quiet. 

When the couples therapist asked him for his reaction, Roger hesitated to speak, but then he admitted he was getting texts from his ex-girlfriend in Dallas, who wanted to get back together with him. 

He said she had been very dependent upon him when they were together and he felt he had to respond to her desperate texts (see my article: Is Your Partner Stuck in a Codependent Relationship With an Ex?)

All the while when they were arguing about his texting during dinner, June sensed there was more to this problem, but she was in denial at that point. As a result, they were both reluctant to address the problem and their conversations focused on his phone use instead of the fact that he was secretly communicating with an ex-girlfriend.

Over time, June and Roger worked on her sense of betrayal and Roger's inability to set limits with his former girlfriend. He was clear that he didn't want to get back with her, but he was ambivalent about giving up his role in her life.

After June gave him an ultimatum to either stop communicating with his ex or she would leave him, Roger set limits with his ex and he blocked her on his phone. 

He also got into his own individual therapy to work on how unresolved childhood trauma related to his role as a parentified child contributed to his current problems.

Conclusion
It's common for couples to discover each other's annoying habits. 

Communicating with empathy can help your partner to understand why you find their habit annoying. You also need to develop an openness and willingness to hear about your own annoying habits.

There are times when couples focus on annoying habits as a way to avoid dealing with bigger problems like in the clinical vignette above.  

It's important to deal with underlying problems that might be causing problems in your relationship rather than tiptoeing around these problems.

Getting Help in Couples Therapy
If you and your partner have been unable to work out your problems on your own, you could benefit from seeking help from a couples therapist.

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who works with couples.

Once you have worked through your issues, you and your partner can have a more fulfilling relationship.

About Me
I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I have over 20 years of experiencing working with individual adults and couples (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.



























Wednesday, May 28, 2025

What is the Connection Between Emotional Vulnerability and Shame?

In a recent article, Learning to Embrace Your Emotional Vulnerability, I discussed shame and how it often develops due to a variety of causes in early childhood.


Emotional Vulnerability and Shame

In the current article I'm discussing the connection between emotional vulnerability and shame.

What is Emotional Vulnerability?
As I mentioned in my prior article vulnerability is a strength--not a weakness.  This has been shown to be true in Brene Brown's research, as discussed in that article.

As a recap:
Being emotionally vulnerable means being willing to expose yourself to potential emotional risk.  

Emotional risk might include exposing yourself to the possibility of:
  • Criticism
  • Rejection
  • Emotional pain
Being emotionally vulnerable means:
  • Understanding vulnerability is not a weakness
  • Being open and honest
  • Sharing your feelings 
  • Expressing your needs
  • Showing others your true self even the so-called "imperfect" parts of yourself
  • Developing authentic connections
What is the Connection Between Emotional Vulnerability and Shame?
Emotional vulnerability and shame are closely related:
  • Shame as a Barrier to Emotional VulnerabilityPeople are often fearful of being emotionally vulnerable because they fear being seen as flawed or deficient in some way.  This can lead them hiding their emotional vulnerability so they won't be judged, criticized or rejected.  The problem is that when someone hides their emotional vulnerability, this type of hiding can reinforce shame, so this becomes a cycle (see my article: How Does Shame Develop at an Early Age?).
Emotional Vulnerability and Shame
  • Vulnerability as a Trigger For Shame: Vulnerability can be a trigger for shame because when people are vulnerable, they're exposed to the possibility of being judged, criticized or rejected.  This often occurs when people have a history of having internalized negative messages about themselves or they have a traumatic history of being criticized or rejected (see my article: Overcoming Fear That People Won't Like You If They Knew the "Real You").
  • Vulnerability as a Pathway to Healing Shame: By learning to embrace emotional vulnerability, people can learn to heal from shame. By acknowledging vulnerabilities and imperfections to a trustworthy and caring person, individuals can show their authentic self and break free of the silence and secrecy that generate shame. 
  • Empathy as an Antidote to ShameEmpathy can be a powerful antidote to shame. When people can share their emotional vulnerabilities with trusted loved ones, they create an environment where others can can feel safe sharing their vulnerability. 
Getting Help in Therapy
Fear of being emotionally vulnerable combined with shame is a common problem.

Getting Help in Therapy

If you have been unable to overcome your fear of vulnerability and shame, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed psychotherapist so you can embrace your vulnerability and lead a more meaningful life.

About Me
I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I have over 20 years of experience helping individual adults and couples (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.




















































 

Wednesday, May 7, 2025

What is Compassionate Empathy?

In my prior article, Cognitive vs Affective Empathy, I discussed the difference between those two types of empathy.

Compassionate Empathy

In the current article I'm focusing on compassionate empathy.

    As a brief recap from the prior article:
  • Cognitive Empathy means being able to think about and understand another person.
  • Affective Empathy means being able to feel another person's feelings while staying grounded in your own experience.
What is Compassionate Empathy?
Compassionate empathy is empathy that combines cognitive and affective empathy so you understand intellectually what someone else is going through at the same time that you're able to feel their feelings while grounded in your own experience.


Compassionate Empathy

Compassionate empathy uses emotional intelligence to respond to another person's feelings without getting overwhelmed or trying to fix their problem.

When you experience compassionate empathy, you're supporting and empowering the other person to deal with their situation.

Compassionate empathy allows you to:
  • See and feel the other person's feelings without your own feelings getting in the way and interfering with their situation
  • Focus on the other person without pushing a particular outcome on them
  • Validate the other person's feelings without giving advice--unless they ask for it
  • Create a safe space for the other person to resolve their problem
An Example of Compassionate Empathy
Your friend calls you to say she is very upset because she found out she didn't score well on the Law School Admission Test (LSAT) and now she's afraid she'll never achieve her dream of becoming a lawyer.

Compassionate Empathy

You invite your friend over so you can talk. When she gets to your place, she's still very upset and she tells you how much she wants to be a public defender and now she'll never be able to do that because of her low LSAT score.

You listen to your friend with compassionate empathy by allowing her to express her feelings while you understand and feel her feelings.

You validate her feelings by telling her, "I know how important your dream of becoming a public defender is to you. I can feel how sad and frustrated you are. I'm here for you. Tell me what else I can do for you."

Your friend feels soothed by you and she calms down. After she calms down and gets over her initial disappointment about not doing well on the LSAT, she remembers she can take the test again.  She also remembers that she can take a preparation course to improve her score the next time she takes the test.

Later on, your friend tells you she's glad she spoke to you. She says she realizes now that, even though she's disappointed, she doesn't have to give up on her dream. Then, she thanks you.

How Can You Develop Compassionate Empathy?
As mentioned above, compassionate empathy combines both cognitive and affective empathy so it's an important skill.

To develop compassionate empathy:
  • Stay Calm: Make sure you have the emotional bandwidth to deal with your friend's feelings so you can be present and engage with your friend.
  • Listen and Stay Attuned Without Being Judgmental: Listen to your friend and stay attuned to your friend's feelings as well as your own. When you remain present for your friend, you can experience compassionate empathy. You want to be non-judgmental so you can be fully present for your friend's feelings without giving advice, questioning or criticizing their feelings and motives.

Compassionate Empathy
  • Mirror Your Friend's Feelings: Rather than giving your opinion, sense into your friend's feelings and reflect them back accurately and compassionately to your friend. When your friend experiences that you're in synch with their feelings, your friend can feel supported by you and calm down. This allows your friend to think more clearly,
  • Validate Your Friend's Experience: When you validate your friend's experience, you say things like, "This sounds like it's very upsetting and difficult for you."
  • Repeat These Steps If Your Friend's Feelings Escalate: If your friend is very upset, you might have to repeat your steps until your friend feels understood and they can calm down.
Conclusion
Compassionate empathy combines both affective and cognitive empathy. 

Compassionate Empathy

When you use compassionate empathy, you're using emotional intelligence to be responsive to another person without trying to fix their problem.

With compassionate empathy, you can be supportive and empower someone to deal with their situation.

About Me
I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I have over 20 years of experience helping individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.