How to Develop Emotional Safety in Your Relationship

Emotional safety is an essential part of any relationship.

Emotional Safety in a Relationship

What is Emotional Safety?

Let's start by defining emotional safety.

Emotional safety is an embodied sense that you can be your true self without fear of judgment, rejection or retaliation. 

Emotional Safety in a Relationship

When you feel safe emotionally, your nervous system is calm. You're not in a state of fear. You feel open and comfortable with yourself and with your partner.

Emotional safety is the foundation of a healthy relationships and allows you to share your emotional needs.

Emotional safety also allows you to admit your mistakes because you feel respected and valued by your partner.

If you're in a relationship, you feel heard and validated for your feelings. Even when your partner might not feel the same way, they can understand why you feel like you do.

What Are the Key Elements of Emotional Safety?

• Vulnerability: As previously mentioned, you feel secure enough to talk about difficult topics, fears and insecurities without anticipating a negative reaction (see my article: Emotional Vulnerability as a Pathway to Greater Emotional Intimacy).

Emotional Safety in a Relationship

• Non-judgment: When expressed in a healthy way, your feelings are treated as being understandable as opposed to being "too much" or "wrong".

• Consistency: Being able to predict how your partner will respond helps your nervous system to relax rather than going into a fight, flight, freeze or fawn response.

• Healthy Boundaries: You're able to set healthy boundaries with your partner without your partner making you feel guilty or lashing out.

Why Does Emotional Safety Matter in a Relationship?

When you feel safe in your relationship, you can regulate your emotions and stay emotionally engaged with your partner. 

Emotional Safety in a Relationship

If you don't have emotional safety, you might feel hypervigilant, anxious or an urge to "walk on eggshells" to avoid conflict with your partner.

How Can You Build Emotional Safety in Your Relationship?

To build emotional safety, it's important to:

• Get Curious and Listen: Get curious and listen to your partner to understand rather than to defend or"fix" them (see my article: What is Active Listening?).

• Validate Each Other's Feelings: Acknowledge your partner's feelings--even if you don't agree or you don't feel the same way.

• Be Transparent: Make sure your actions match your words to build trust.

• Make Repairs: Own your mistakes in a timely manner and make an effort to reconnect with your partner.

Get Help in Couples Therapy

There are times when one or both partners have problems establishing and maintaining emotional safety due to prior traumatic experiences either as a child or in prior adult relationships (see my article: How Can Unresolved Trauma Affect Your Ability to Feel Safe?).

Get Help in Couples Therapy

If emotional safety is an issue in your relationship, you and your partner could benefit from working with a couples therapist experienced in Emotionally Focused Therapy for Couples.

Emotionally Focused Therapy (also known as EFT) can help you and your partner understand both of your unmet attachment needs and change negative dynamics in your relationship that keep you both stuck.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help in EFT couples therapy so you can have a more fulfilling relationship (see my article: Tips on How to Get the Most Out of Couples Therapy).

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have over 25 years of experience working with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles:

How to Build Trust and Connection in Your Relationship 

Recognizing When You Feel Unsafe in Interpersonal Relationships

What Are the 4 Cs of the Attachment Behavioral System?  

Relationships: Understanding S£x as an Emotionally Intimate Experience

Within a loving relationship where two people feel connected to each other, sex is an emotionally intimate experience.

Sex is a vulnerable act of trust.

Sex as an Emotionally Intimate Experience

Sex also triggers the release of bonding hormones, enhances communication and deepens your connection with your partner when you share physical and emotional closeness.

Sharing this level of physical and emotional closeness provides an opportunity for you to express affection, share your desires and feel safe which can allow you to feel understood in a deeper way.

What Creates Emotionally Intimacy During Sex in a Relationship?

• Sharing Your Whole Self: Sexual intimacy requires you to be physically and emotionally present and vulnerable which allows you to let down your guard and create a deep sense of trust with your partner. 

• Opening Up Physically and Emotionally: You're opening yourself up for acceptance but, potentially, you might also experience criticism or rejection. The best sex occurs when you're already feeling emotionally connected and safe (see my article: Creating a Safe Haven For Each Other).

• Experiencing the "Love Hormone": Sex releases oxytocin which is linked to feelings of affection, trust and bonding.

Sex as an Emotionally Intimate Experience

• Bonding and Connection: Oxytocin creates a powerful sense of closeness and longing for your partner. This helps to solidify your connection on an emotional and physical level.

• Enhanced Communication: Sex can enhance communication when partners can talk openly and honestly about their sexual desires, needs and boundaries (see my article: How to Talk to Your Partner About Sex).

• Deepening Intimacy: The shared vulnerability and open communication can deepen your connection.

• An Enhanced Expression of Existing Intimacy: Sex can be a powerful way to enhance an already existing emotional connection by amplifying feelings of love and tenderness. When there is already an intimate connection, sex is more than just a physical act--it's an expression of emotional intimacy.

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette is a composite of many cases where a couple lost their emotional and sexual connection over time and how they regained it:

Lena and Matt

When Lena and Matt started dating, they were always excited to see each other. 

Sex as an Emotionally Intimate Experience

Their "new relationship energy" created so much passion, excitement and anticipation during the honeymoon phase of their relationship.

But after twenty years of marriage, the passion and excitement was gone and they were only having obligatory sex (also known as "duty sex").

Obligatory sex occurs when one or both people have sex out of sense of duty or pressure rather than from a sense of genuine desire.

Over time, their sex life deteriorated for many reasons: work stress, raising children, financial stress and other responsibilities. 

Neither of them knew how to talk to each other about sex, so they continued to have sex that neither of them enjoyed.

Their obligatory sex created resentment, dissatisfaction and emotional distance. The emotional distance, in turn, pulled them further and further apart.

Both of them approached sex with the attitude that they wanted to "get it over with", but it left them both feeling lonely and isolated.  They each would have preferred to have no sex than the kind of sex they were having, but neither of them felt comfortable talking about it.

After Lena spoke to her therapist about how unsatisfying her sex life with Matt had become, her therapist referred them to a sex therapist.

Initially, Matt was resistant to going. He didn't want to talk about their sex life, but Lena convinced him that they had a problem and sex therapy could help.

Their sex therapist helped them to speak openly about their sex life, which was challenging at first. Over time, they learned to talk to each other calmly without blaming each other.

They talked about how exciting and passionate their sex life had been when they were dating. Even though they knew they couldn't get that "new relationship energy" back, they felt closer to one another and more open to exploring what they both would find sexually enjoyable. 

It took time to overcome twenty years of emotional and sexual disconnection, but they were able to enhance their emotional and sexual connection over time.

Conclusion

Sex is usually an emotionally intimate experience in a relationship when two people feel connected to one another.

Sex as an Emotionally Intimate Experience

Sharing yourself emotionally and sexually is a vulnerable act that can bring two people closer together and enhance their relationship.

Over time, many couples drift into having obligatory sex where they go through the motions of having sex or they become a no-sex couple (see my article: Have You and Your Partner Stopped Having Sex?).

Obligatory sex often creates more emotional and sexual distance as well as resentment and loneliness.

For couples who have become no-sex couples, the longer they wait to address these problems, the more challenging it can be. However, even longstanding no-sex couples have an opportunity to work through their issues in sex therapy if they are motivated.

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

If you and your partner have lost your emotional and sexual connection with each other, you could benefit from getting help in sex therapy.

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

Sex therapy is a form of talk therapy with a licensed mental health professional who specializes in helping individual adults and couples to having a satisfying sex life (see my article: What Do People Talk About in Sex Therapy?).

There is no nudity or sex during the sex therapy sessions (see my article: What Are Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?).

There is usually homework to do between sessions as a bridge between the sessions and, at times, to put into practice what has been discussed.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help in sex therapy to improve your emotional and sexual connection.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS/Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Relationships: How to Stop Avoiding Conflict So You Can Have Healthy Communication

Conflicts are inevitable in relationships, but many individuals avoid conflicts. This avoidance often results in misunderstandings, disappointment and resentment, which becomes part of the couple's negative cycle (see my article: The Problem Isn't the Problem. The Problem is the Repeating Negative Cycle in the Relationship).

Stop Avoiding Conflicts in Your Relationship

Why Do People in Relationships Avoid Conflicts?

• Fear of Conflict: Individuals who avoid conflicts have a fear of conflict because they are afraid of negative outcomes including judgment or rejection from their partner. They might also fear the conflict will end the relationship. In addition, they might have a negative prior history with conflict in their family of origiin or in prior relationships, including unresolved trauma, which reinforces their avoidance. 

• Anxiety and Self Doubt: Anxiety about expressing their feelings and self doubt might also be contributing factors. This can make conflict seem overwhelming, especially if they fear that conflict will result in a shouting match.

Stop Avoiding Conflicts in Your Relationship

• A Need to Maintain Short-Term Harmony in the Relationship At Any Cost: These individuals prioritize maintaining short term harmony, but avoiding conflict prevents personal growth, relationship growth and fosters disappointments and resentment. A need to maintain short-term harmony often results in long-term disharmony due to consequences of unexpressed feelings and beliefs.

• Fear of Short-Term Emotional Discomfort: Confrontations can bring about short-term emotional discomfort, but if a couple has healthy communication skills, confrontations can also resolve problems which can bring long-term comfort.

What Are the Relationship Dynamics When Couples Avoid Confrontations?

Every relationship is different, but the following are some of the most common relationship dynamics when couples avoid confrontations:

• A Desire to Maintain Short-Term Harmony While Problems Fester: Couples who avoid confrontations often prioritize maintaining harmony instead of addressing the underlying problems in their relationship--even if it means continuing to have unresolved problems in the long term.

• Poor Communication Skills: People who avoid confrontations often feel unprepared to deal with conflict because they lack healthy communication skills (see my article: Complaining Instead of Expressing What You Want).

Stop Avoiding Conflict in Your Relationship

• Fear of Vulnerable Emotions: Many individuals are afraid of the emotional vulnerability involved with expressing their feelings, so they would rather avoid it altogether (see my article: Emotonal Vulnerabiltiy as a Pathway to Greater Emotional and Sexual Intimacy).

What Are the Consequences of Conflict Avoidance?

Every relationship will have their own unique consequences, but here are some of the most common outcomes of conflict avoidance:

• Unresolved Issues: When a couple avoids dealing with conflict, unresolved issues grow and fester. Disappointment and resentment grows which can lead to even larger blow ups than if the couple had dealt with the problems when they first developed.

• Communication Breakdown: As problems are avoided, communication between the individuals breaks down. When open and honest communication shuts down, this often leads to emotional distancing.

Stop Avoiding Conflict in Your Relationship

• Emotional Distancing: As problems grow and fester, couples often distance themselves from each other. This can be conscious or an unconscious behavior.  This leads to a lack of emotional and sexual intimacy. Defensive walls develop between them so they might no longer see and hear one another. This can result in loneliness and isolation.

• Stagnation and the Possible End of the Relationship: As problems persist, communication breaks down and each the couple distances themselves from each other, the relationship stagnates. Each person can feel stuck in an unfulfilling relationship as the couple drifts apart. This can also lead to the end of the relationship.

How to Overcome Conflict Avoidance

• Become Aware: The first step in overcoming conflict avoidance is to become aware of the problem.  Learn to recognize these patterns in the relationship (see my article: What is Self Reflective Awareness and Why Is It Important to You?).

Stop Avoiding Conflict in Your Relationship

• Challenge Negative Beliefs About Conflict: Reframe your beliefs about conflict to understand that conflict is a necessary part of building intimacy and emotional connection instead of seeing it as a sign of a failed relationship.

• Understand the Consequences of Conflict Avoidance: Develop an understanding for what is lost and what is gained with conflict avoidance. In terms of losses, this can include loss of emotional and sexual intimacy. With regard to what can be gained, this can include better communication and the overall health and well-being of the individuals and the relationship.

How to Use Healthy Communication Skills to Deal With Conflicts

• Practice Active Listening: Listen to your partner's concerns with respect and without interrupting or focusing on when you will get your turn to speak (see my article: The Importance of Active Listening in Your Relationship).

Stop Avoiding Conflict in Your Relationship

• Use I-Statements: Rather than using accusatory statements and blaming your partner, use I-statements where you express your feelings ("I feel hurt when...").

• Clarify Your Expectations: Instead of assuming your partner already knows or "should know" your expectations, be explicit about what you want. When you're able to express your needs clearly, you can set clear boundaries and prevent bigger misunderstandings.

Stop Avoiding Conflict in Your Relationship

• Create a Safe Space: Talking about conflicts can be emotionally vulnerable so create a safe space for each other, you will both feel safer to express your feelings in a healthy way (see my article: Creating an Emotional Safe Haven For Each Other).

Get Help in Couples Therapy

Many couples need help to deal with their problems.

Stop Avoiding Conflict in Your Relationship

If you and your partner have been unable to resolve your problems in your own, you could benefit from seeking health from a licensed mental health professional who works with couples.

A skilled couples therapist can help you overcome your problems so you can have a fulfilling relationship (see my article: How to Get the Most Out of Couples Therapy).

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (couples therapist), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

 

What is the Connection Between Emotional Vulnerability and Shame?

In a recent article, Learning to Embrace Your Emotional Vulnerability, I discussed shame and how it often develops due to a variety of causes in early childhood.

Emotional Vulnerability and Shame

In the current article I'm discussing the connection between emotional vulnerability and shame.

What is Emotional Vulnerability?

As I mentioned in my prior article vulnerability is a strength--not a weakness.  This has been shown to be true in Brene Brown's research, as discussed in that article.

As a recap:

Being emotionally vulnerable means being willing to expose yourself to potential emotional risk.  

Emotional risk might include exposing yourself to the possibility of:

• Criticism
• Rejection
• Emotional pain

Being emotionally vulnerable means:

• Understanding vulnerability is not a weakness
• Being open and honest
• Sharing your feelings 
• Expressing your needs
• Showing others your true self even the so-called "imperfect" parts of yourself
• Developing authentic connections

What is the Connection Between Emotional Vulnerability and Shame?

Emotional vulnerability and shame are closely related:

• Shame as a Barrier to Emotional Vulnerability: People are often fearful of being emotionally vulnerable because they fear being seen as flawed or deficient in some way.  This can lead them hiding their emotional vulnerability so they won't be judged, criticized or rejected.  The problem is that when someone hides their emotional vulnerability, this type of hiding can reinforce shame, so this becomes a cycle (see my article: How Does Shame Develop at an Early Age?).

Emotional Vulnerability and Shame

• Vulnerability as a Trigger For Shame: Vulnerability can be a trigger for shame because when people are vulnerable, they're exposed to the possibility of being judged, criticized or rejected.  This often occurs when people have a history of having internalized negative messages about themselves or they have a traumatic history of being criticized or rejected (see my article: Overcoming Fear That People Won't Like You If They Knew the "Real You").

• Vulnerability as a Pathway to Healing Shame: By learning to embrace emotional vulnerability, people can learn to heal from shame. By acknowledging vulnerabilities and imperfections to a trustworthy and caring person, individuals can show their authentic self and break free of the silence and secrecy that generate shame. 

• Empathy as an Antidote to Shame: Empathy can be a powerful antidote to shame. When people can share their emotional vulnerabilities with trusted loved ones, they create an environment where others can can feel safe sharing their vulnerability. 

Getting Help in Therapy

Fear of being emotionally vulnerable combined with shame is a common problem.

Getting Help in Therapy

If you have been unable to overcome your fear of vulnerability and shame, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed psychotherapist so you can embrace your vulnerability and lead a more meaningful life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I have over 20 years of experience helping individual adults and couples (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

 

Learning to Embrace Your Emotional Vulnerability

I have written about emotional vulnerability in prior articles, including Vulnerability as a Pathway to Greater Emotional Intimacy.

In the current article I'm discussing vulnerability as a strength and how to embrace vulnerability.

Why is Emotional Vulnerability Not a Weakness?

Many people feel some degree of discomfort when they reveal their emotional vulnerability in  their personal relationships. But, according to Brene Brown, researcher and motivational speaker, people who approach relationships in a wholehearted way know that vulnerability is essential to develop and maintain close relationships. 

Some people who struggle with emotional vulnerability believe vulnerability is a weakness. But, in fact, emotional vulnerability is not a weakness--it's a strength.

Emotional vulnerability shows courage and authenticity in intimate relationships.

Embracing Vulnerability

The wholehearted people in Brene Brown's research tended to take more emotional risks, even though they felt some degree of discomfort. Even though they knew they might be rejected, criticized or judged, they took risks because they felt being authentic and having meaningful relationships made the risk worthwhile. 

Embracing Emotional Vulnerability

Fear of being emotionally vulnerable is usually coupled with shame ,which is a topic I''ll discuss in my next article.

Vulnerability also means revealing your true self (see my article: Becoming Your True Self).

Being open, honest and revealing your true self, even when it's scary, helps to build stronger relationships. 

Embracing Emotional Vulnerability

Vulnerability creates the possibility for empathy, understanding and a stronger connection with the people you care about.

Reflecting on your feelings before you express them also helps you to develop self awareness and self reflective capacity.

In addition, being vulnerable by expressing your feelings provides an opportunity for loved ones to give you emotional support. 

Whereas holding in your feelings can create stress, expressing your feelings and getting support helps to reduce stress and stress-related health problems (see my article: Expressing Your Feelings in a Healthy Way)

Getting emotional support also helps to improve your overall well-being.

As you develop an increased capacity to be emotionally vulnerable, you increase your potential for personal growth and experiencing positive changes in your life.

How to Learn to Embrace Vulnerability

• Acknowledge Your Fears: Start by acknowledging to yourself what scares you about being emotionally vulnerable. Then, challenge your negative beliefs about vulnerability.

• Write in a Journal: Write in a journal to become more aware of your thoughts and feelings. This will also help you to express yourself with others (see my article: The Benefits of Journal Writing).

Embracing Emotional Vulnerability

• Practice Self Compassion: Treat yourself with the same kindness and compassion as you would with a close friend or loved one (see my article: Acceptance and Self Compassion).

• Practice Mindfulness: If you practice being present with your thoughts and feelings, you can become more self aware. Being present can also help you to deal with emotional vulnerability (see my article: The Mind-Body Connection: Mindfulness Meditation)

• Start Small: Start by journaling and talking to a trusted loved one about your thoughts and feelings. Being in a safe and private environment is also important.

• Acknowledge and Embrace Your Mistakes: Acknowledging and embracing your mistakes with self compassion takes strength and courage and can help you to develop a sense of comfort with being vulnerable (see my article: Overcome Your Fear of Making Mistakes).

• Acknowledge Your Strengths: Appreciating your strengths can build self confidence.

• Challenge Your Negative Beliefs: Challenge your fears about what others might think about you if you express your vulnerability.

• Get Help in Therapy: Seek help from a licensed mental health professional who has the necessary skills and expertise to help you embrace vulnerability if self help tips aren't enough.

Clinical Vignette: How to Embrace Emotional Vulnerability

The following clinical vignette is a composite of many cases to protect confidentiality:

Nina

Nina felt discouraged about ever being able to maintain a relationship.  Although she confided in her close friends, she had problems opening up in relationships (see my article: Fear of Being Emotionally Vulnerable in a Relationship).

Embracing Emotional Vulnerability

Her last three relationships ended after her partners told her they felt she was holding back emotionally. 

She realized she was too scared to open up emotionally in her relationships. She also felt that if any of her partners knew the "real Nina", they wouldn't like her (see my article: Overcoming Your Fear That People Won't Like the "Real You").

When she started therapy to overcome her problem with emotional vulnerability, she revealed to her therapist that her parents always told her that emotional vulnerability was a "weakness".

She told her therapist that, even though she knew how important being vulnerable is to developing and sustaining a relationship, she didn't know how to be vulnerable.

Her therapist acknowledged Nina's strength in recognizing she didn't know how to be vulnerable and in seeking help in therapy.

In addition to providing Nina with tools she could use on her own, like journaling and  mindfulness skills, her therapist, who was a trauma therapist, helped Nina to work through the negative beliefs about vulnerability she learned from her parents.

Her therapist used EMDR therapy, AEDP and Parts Work to work through the early childhood trauma and shame that made it difficult for Nina to show her emotional vulnerability.

When Nina started dating someone new that she really liked, her therapist helped her to practice showing emotional vulnerability by starting in small ways.

As she became more comfortable, over time, Nina was able to open up more. Her willingness to be vulnerable allowed this new person in her life to also open up.

Over time, they were able to build a strong foundation for a relationship.

Conclusion

Contrary to what many people believe, emotional vulnerability is a strength--not a weakness.

Even though most people feel some degree of discomfort with being emotionally vulnerable, people who overcome their discomfort are aware that showing vulnerability is essential to having an emotionally intimate relationship.

Even if you grew up with negative beliefs about vulnerability, you can overcome these negative beliefs.

Next Article: What is the Connection Between Emotional Vulnerability and Shame?

Getting Help in Therapy

If you have been unable to overcome your fear of vulnerability on your own, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional who has expertise in this area.

Getting Help in Therapy

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help in therapy so you can be your authentic self and lead a more meaningful life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I have over 20 years of experience helping individual adults and couples (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.