Relationships: How to Try to Prevent Implicit Betrayals

In my prior post, Coping With Implicit Betrayals, I defined implicit betrayals in relationships and discussed how to cope if you discover an implicit betrayal in your relationship.

I wrote the article about coping with implicit betrayals first because many couples discover there have been implicit betrayals before they even know what that term means and before they have discussed these issues as a couple.

Preventing Implicit Betrayals in Your Relationship

In the current post, I'm discussing how to try to prevent implicit betrayals.

While you might not be able to completely avoid this kind of problem in your relationship, you and your partner can try to prevent it by being proactive and taking certain steps.

I suggest you read my prior article if you haven't already to understand what implicit betrayals are, but here's a brief review:

Implicit betrayals includes (but is not limited to) non-obvious violations of trust including:

• Emotional affairs that are hidden from the partner
• Financial infidelity including secret bank accounts, hiding big expenditures, etc.
• Withholding affection, chronic criticism or stonewalling
• Gaslighting
  
• Emotional disengagement (also known as quiet quitting)
• A conditional commitment to the relationship
• Neglect or selfishness
• Consistent broken promises
• Lying by omission including not being completely honest with your partner
• Online infidelity including romantic or sexual texts with others in chats
• Consistently siding with a third party against your partner (e.g., mother, father, in-law, friend or other family member)

How to Try to Prevent Implicit Betrayals

I use the word try because you can't control their partner.  However, there are things you can do to try to prevent implicit betrayals:

• Don't Rush Into a Relationship: Take it slowly and get to know the other person well including their values and how they define implicit betrayals (see my article: How to Stop Rushing Into a Relationship Too Quickly).

Preventing Implicit Betrayals in Your Relationship

• Practice Clear Proactive Communication: Although you might think your partner and you are both on the same page with regard to implicit betrayals, you might discover that you're not after you discover an implicit betrayal. So, practice clear communication about what you consider implicit betrayals. For instance, if neither you nor your partner mind online romantic or sexual chats with other people, that's not an implicit betrayal. But if you do, you need to be clear and specific about that as well as other forms of implicit betrayals.

• Align Expectations With Reality: Acknowledge your partner for who they are and your relationship for what it is and not how you want things to be. Make sure you're both on the same page with regard to a commitment to the relationship and other issues that are important to you. Don't assume you're in a committed relationship just because you have been seeing each other for a certain amount of time. Talk about how you feel and your partner feels about the status of things between you (see my article: Are You and Your Partner on the Same Page About Your Relationship?).

• Practice Moderate Vulnerability: While you don't want to be a completely "closed book" during the early stage of a relationship, avoid deep vulnerability until you know your partner well and trust has been earned for each of you.

• Define and Set Personal Boundaries: Have clear communication at the beginning of a relationship about what each of you would consider an implicit betrayal. Be specific. Don't assume that you and your partner feels the same way about it (see my article: How to Set Boundaries in Your Relationship).

• Manage Your Triggers: If there have been trust issues because you have unresolved trauma from childhood that involved trust violations, learn to manage your triggers. Identify your triggers and learn to manage them. Also, know when you're reacting to the past and not to the present (see my articles: Coping With Triggers and Reacting to Your Present Circumstances Based on Your Traumatic Past).

• Don't Compromise Your Self Respect: Be calm and assertive when your boundaries have been crossed. Keep promises you have made to yourself. Don't allow your partner to disrespect you in order to maintain the relationship (see my article: What is the Difference Between Assertive and Aggressive Behavior?).

• Practice Self Care: Build your own resilience  so that if a betrayal does occur your sense of self isn't destroyed.

Get Help in Therapy

Some people have problems being clear on what implicit betrayals mean to them because they are either inexperienced with relationships, don't know how to communicate or their boundaries were consistently violated when they were growing up so they have problems separtating the past from the present.

Get Help in Therapy

If you're unclear about what implicit betrayals mean to you, you could benefit from doing your own individual therapy with a licensed mental health professional who can help you to overcome unresolved trauma so you can understand and communicate your personal needs and boundaries.

If you and your partner are having difficulty negotiating an agreement about implicit betrayals or other aspects of your relationship, you could benefit from working with a a couples therapist who can help you both to understand and communicate your needs and come to an agreement. 

If you can't come to a mutual agreement, a couples therapist can help you to break up in a conscious, respectful and compassionate way so you can both move on without regrets about how you ended your relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have helped many individual adults and couples over the years.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

What Does It Mean to Be "On a Break" From Your Relationship?

Anyone who watched the "Friends" episode, "The One Where Ross and Rachel Take a Break" remembers the problems that resulted from Rachel telling Ross during a heated argument that they should take a break.

Taking a Break From Your Relationship

During their argument, after Rachel suggests they take a break, Ross walks out feeling devastated. Then, he goes out to a club, gets drunk and he gets sexually involved with Chole, the "copy girl."

Soon afterwards, Rachel finds out that Ross slept with Chloe, which leads to another argument about what it means to be "on a break" and whether it meant that Ross and Rachel were broken up or they were temporarily not seeing each other but also not seeing anyone else.

This misunderstanding leads to a breakup because Rachel is hurt, angry and mistrustful of Ross.

What Does It Mean to Be "On a Break" From Your Relationship?

To avoid potential misunderstandings, it's important to be clear on what it means when you say you want a break in the relationship.

Here are some factors to consider:

• Define the Terms: Be clear with each other as to whether you're each taking a "pause" from the relationship in order to fix problems or if the break is actually the beginning stage of a permanent breakup.

• Establish Ground Rules: Be specific: Does it mean a one week break or a one month break or some other time period? Also, be clear as to whether you can each date other people or if other people are off limits.  Does it mean you're going to go no-contact? If not, what type of contact will you have (text? phone calls? etc) and how often. Whatever you both decide, respect the boundaries you have both agree to.  If you don't define the terms together, you're going to have misunderstandings similar to Ross and Rachel on "Friends".

Taking a Break From Your Relationship

• Focus on Self Care and Reflection: Use your time apart to think about your needs, your partner's needs, the relationship issues and whether or not you want to be in this relationship.

• Avoid Manipulation: Do not use the break to gain leverage or make your partner jealous.

• Manage Your Expectations: Be prepared for an outcome that could go either way including the possibility that the break can lead to a permanent separation.

• Don't Use a Temporary Break to Avoid Saying You Want a Permanent End to the Relationship: Many people who don't feel comfortable saying they want to end the relationship tell their partner that they want a temporary break knowing beforehand that they don't plan to reunite with their partner. They're too uncomfortable to talk about their real feelings, so they use the excuse of a temporary break as a way to exit the relationship. Then, they ghost their partners and don't respond when their partners contact them which leaves their partners feeling hurt, angry and betrayed. If you know. you want to end the relationship, say so. It will be a lot less painful for both of you in the long run if you're upfront and honest with yourself and your partner.

Get Help in Couples Therapy

If you're not sure how to handle being on a break or you're not sure if you even want a break, seek help in couples therapy.

Get Help in Couples Therapy

A skilled couples therapist can help you to define what you each want from your relationship and, if you choose to stay together, provide you with the tools and strategies to get there. 

If you decide not to stay together, a couples therapist can help you to break up in a way that is caring and respectful.

So, rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who is a couples therapist.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have over 25 years of experience working with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Relationships: You Can't "Fix" Your Partner. Focus on Yourself Instead

Many people believe they can change partner into being the person they want them to be. They believe that love alone will change their partner into being the partner they want. But trying to "fix" your partner is usually doomed to failure if they don't want to change.

You Can't "Fix" Your Partner

Why You Can't Change Your Partner If They Don't Want to Change

• Change Must Be Internally Motivated: Your partner needs to have internal motivation to change for lasting change to occur. They might change temporarily to appease you, but for lasting change to occur, they need to be internally motivated.

• Deep-seated Behavior is Difficult to Change: Behavior which is rooted in the past isn't easily changed just because you want your partner to change.

• Your Pressure Can Create Resentment: You might think you can "fix" your partner, but your partner might resent you for it, which makes change even harder.

• Love Isn't a Motivator For Change: If you're telling your partner they would change if they loved you, you're not understanding how change occurs. They can't do it for you--no matter how much they love you. They need to want to do it for themself.

What Can You Do Instead of Pressuring Your Partner to Change?

• Change Your Own "Dance Steps": Instead of focusing on changing your partner, focus on changing yourself. The late Sue Johnson, Ph.D., who developed Emotion Focused Therapy (EFT) For Couples, talked about the "EFT Tango" as a metaphor for the dance that couples do as part of the structured interventions that couples do together. She advised clients to change their own "dance steps" regardless of what the other partner does. When you change your own "dance steps", you change the dynamic in your relationship. This opens up a space for your partner to change--if they want to change.

• Communicate Your Needs Clearly: Express your needs in a clear and vulnerable way. Expressing your needs is more effective than criticizing or nagging your partner.
• 
  
• Set Boundaries: Be clear on what you will and will not put up with, especially if your partner's behavior is hurtful to you (see my article: Setting Boundaries in Your Relationship).

• Offer Support; Instead of criticizing or pressuring, offer your support for whatever change your partner is willing to make. Offering encouragement is different from trying to force change.

• Manage Your Expectations: Once you accept that you can't change your partner's behavior, you might experience a reduction in your resentment. This doesn't mean you have to put up with hurtful behavior. Instead, it means that you realize your partner has to want to change and until they do, you can't "fix" them.

• Decide If the Relationship Is Right For You: If you find yourself constantly wanting your partner to change, this could be a sign that you and your partner have different values and the relationship isn't right for you. You have to decide whether your partner's behavior is a dealbreaker for you.

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette illustrates the dynamics mentioned above. As always, this vignette is a composite of many different cases to protect confidentiality:

Agnes and Bill:

Five years into their marriage, Agnes realized Bill's drinking had increased over time.  He would often come home from a stressful day of work and spend the night drinking.

You Can't "Fix" Your Partner

When Agnes complained to Bill, she felt he was giving her lip service to stop drinking, but he continued to get drunk every night. No amount of nagging and complaining stopped his behavior. She told him that if he loved her, he would change, but this didn't work either--even though she knew he loved her very much.

When she realized she couldn't change Bill, Agnes decided to get support in her own individual therapy. Over time, Agnes realized in therapy that she couldn't change Bill's behavior because he didn't want to stop drinking, so she worked on improving her own life. She began working out at the gym, seeing friends more often and developing new hobbies.

After a while, Bill felt increasingly lonely as he watched Agnes' life flourish. Since he wanted to save his marriage and his doctor told him that his drinking had increased his blood pressure problems, he considered cutting back on alcohol. But when he realized he couldn't cut back on his own, he sought help in his own therapy with a therapist who was knowledgeable about alcoholism.

Gradually, Bill learned new coping skills and strategies in his individual therapy and he was able to stop drinking. 

When they were both ready, Bill and Agnes began couples therapy to improve their relationship. They both learned new tools so they could have a more meaningful relationship.

Conclusion

You can't change your partner unless they are internally motivated to change.

Instead of focusing on trying to "fix" your partner, focus on yourself.

Individual therapy can help you to focus on yourself and, eventually, to decide whether you want to remain in your relationship.

Get Help in Therapy

Rather than focusing on "fixing" your partner, get help in individual therapy to work on yourself.

Get Help in Therapy

Individual therapy can help you to develop the tools and strategies you need to feel more confident and make major decisions.

If your partner is willing, you can both participate in couples therapy to work on your relationship. 

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work, Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Relationships: How to Stop Avoiding Conflict So You Can Have Healthy Communication

Conflicts are inevitable in relationships, but many individuals avoid conflicts. This avoidance often results in misunderstandings, disappointment and resentment, which becomes part of the couple's negative cycle (see my article: The Problem Isn't the Problem. The Problem is the Repeating Negative Cycle in the Relationship).

Stop Avoiding Conflicts in Your Relationship

Why Do People in Relationships Avoid Conflicts?

• Fear of Conflict: Individuals who avoid conflicts have a fear of conflict because they are afraid of negative outcomes including judgment or rejection from their partner. They might also fear the conflict will end the relationship. In addition, they might have a negative prior history with conflict in their family of origiin or in prior relationships, including unresolved trauma, which reinforces their avoidance. 

• Anxiety and Self Doubt: Anxiety about expressing their feelings and self doubt might also be contributing factors. This can make conflict seem overwhelming, especially if they fear that conflict will result in a shouting match.

Stop Avoiding Conflicts in Your Relationship

• A Need to Maintain Short-Term Harmony in the Relationship At Any Cost: These individuals prioritize maintaining short term harmony, but avoiding conflict prevents personal growth, relationship growth and fosters disappointments and resentment. A need to maintain short-term harmony often results in long-term disharmony due to consequences of unexpressed feelings and beliefs.

• Fear of Short-Term Emotional Discomfort: Confrontations can bring about short-term emotional discomfort, but if a couple has healthy communication skills, confrontations can also resolve problems which can bring long-term comfort.

What Are the Relationship Dynamics When Couples Avoid Confrontations?

Every relationship is different, but the following are some of the most common relationship dynamics when couples avoid confrontations:

• A Desire to Maintain Short-Term Harmony While Problems Fester: Couples who avoid confrontations often prioritize maintaining harmony instead of addressing the underlying problems in their relationship--even if it means continuing to have unresolved problems in the long term.

• Poor Communication Skills: People who avoid confrontations often feel unprepared to deal with conflict because they lack healthy communication skills (see my article: Complaining Instead of Expressing What You Want).

Stop Avoiding Conflict in Your Relationship

• Fear of Vulnerable Emotions: Many individuals are afraid of the emotional vulnerability involved with expressing their feelings, so they would rather avoid it altogether (see my article: Emotonal Vulnerabiltiy as a Pathway to Greater Emotional and Sexual Intimacy).

What Are the Consequences of Conflict Avoidance?

Every relationship will have their own unique consequences, but here are some of the most common outcomes of conflict avoidance:

• Unresolved Issues: When a couple avoids dealing with conflict, unresolved issues grow and fester. Disappointment and resentment grows which can lead to even larger blow ups than if the couple had dealt with the problems when they first developed.

• Communication Breakdown: As problems are avoided, communication between the individuals breaks down. When open and honest communication shuts down, this often leads to emotional distancing.

Stop Avoiding Conflict in Your Relationship

• Emotional Distancing: As problems grow and fester, couples often distance themselves from each other. This can be conscious or an unconscious behavior.  This leads to a lack of emotional and sexual intimacy. Defensive walls develop between them so they might no longer see and hear one another. This can result in loneliness and isolation.

• Stagnation and the Possible End of the Relationship: As problems persist, communication breaks down and each the couple distances themselves from each other, the relationship stagnates. Each person can feel stuck in an unfulfilling relationship as the couple drifts apart. This can also lead to the end of the relationship.

How to Overcome Conflict Avoidance

• Become Aware: The first step in overcoming conflict avoidance is to become aware of the problem.  Learn to recognize these patterns in the relationship (see my article: What is Self Reflective Awareness and Why Is It Important to You?).

Stop Avoiding Conflict in Your Relationship

• Challenge Negative Beliefs About Conflict: Reframe your beliefs about conflict to understand that conflict is a necessary part of building intimacy and emotional connection instead of seeing it as a sign of a failed relationship.

• Understand the Consequences of Conflict Avoidance: Develop an understanding for what is lost and what is gained with conflict avoidance. In terms of losses, this can include loss of emotional and sexual intimacy. With regard to what can be gained, this can include better communication and the overall health and well-being of the individuals and the relationship.

How to Use Healthy Communication Skills to Deal With Conflicts

• Practice Active Listening: Listen to your partner's concerns with respect and without interrupting or focusing on when you will get your turn to speak (see my article: The Importance of Active Listening in Your Relationship).

Stop Avoiding Conflict in Your Relationship

• Use I-Statements: Rather than using accusatory statements and blaming your partner, use I-statements where you express your feelings ("I feel hurt when...").

• Clarify Your Expectations: Instead of assuming your partner already knows or "should know" your expectations, be explicit about what you want. When you're able to express your needs clearly, you can set clear boundaries and prevent bigger misunderstandings.

Stop Avoiding Conflict in Your Relationship

• Create a Safe Space: Talking about conflicts can be emotionally vulnerable so create a safe space for each other, you will both feel safer to express your feelings in a healthy way (see my article: Creating an Emotional Safe Haven For Each Other).

Get Help in Couples Therapy

Many couples need help to deal with their problems.

Stop Avoiding Conflict in Your Relationship

If you and your partner have been unable to resolve your problems in your own, you could benefit from seeking health from a licensed mental health professional who works with couples.

A skilled couples therapist can help you overcome your problems so you can have a fulfilling relationship (see my article: How to Get the Most Out of Couples Therapy).

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (couples therapist), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

 

What Are Transactional Relationships?

I've written many prior articles about relationships. I've included a list of a few of them at the bottom of this post.  You can also go to my website to find more under the headings of "Relationships" and "EFT Couples Therapy."

Transactional Relationships

In the current article I'm focusing on transactional relationships (see my article: Are You in a Transactional Relationship?).

What Are Transactional Relationships?

Transactional relationships are relationships where each person does things for the other in anticipation of getting something back in return. 

Transactional relationships are usually conditional in the sense that one or both people have expectations of what they want to get in return based on what they are willing to give. Usually if one or both people aren't getting what they want, the relationship ends.

Transactional relationships are based on reciprocity: An expected give-and-take between partners in the relationship. 

In transactional relationships, individuals prioritize what they can get from their partner, including financial support, social status, sex or other personal needs, over genuine emotional connection.  In that sense, these relationships are often superficial and lacking in emotional depth.

What Are Examples of Transactional Relationships?

The following are some examples of highly transactional relationships:

• Marriages of Convenience: These relationships focus on things like a visa, social status, and financial gain rather than love and genuine emotional connection. 

• Transactional Dating: These are dating relationships where one or both people have an expectation of what they will get in the relationship. An example of this would be that a heterosexual man buys a woman dinner and expects sex in exchange or vice versa. There is little to no emotional connection or commitment.

• Friends With Benefits: Most of these relationships focus on the convenience of sex between the partners with little or no expectation of commitment or emotional intimacy (see my article:  What Are the Pros and Cons of Friends With Benefits?).

Transactional Relationships: Friends With Benefits

• Career-Oriented Relationships: These relationships focus primarily on how their partner(s) can help them advance their career rather than focusing on emotional connection.

Transactional Relationships: Sugar Relationships

• Sugar Relationships (also known as Sugar Dating): These relationships usually involve one person being financially successful and supporting another financially or providing other concrete benefits to another person, who is often younger and more attractive, in exchange for sex or companionship. These are often short-term relationships with little to no expectation of commitment or emotional connection.

What Are the Characteristics of Transactional Relationships?

The following are some of the common characteristics of transactional relationships:

• Expectations: Both partners usually understand the expectations involved. For instance, if one person is paying for dinner with the expectation of sex, the other person is usually aware of this and either goes along with it because this is what they want (or need) or they don't necessarily like it, but they go along with it for their own personal reasons--even when they might feel ambivalent about it (see my article: What is the "Good Enough" Relationship? No, It Doesn't Mean Settling).

• Goal Oriented: There is a goal-oriented mindset in these types of relationships. This can involve financial goals, companionship, sex and so on. There is often little to no emotional spontaneity in transactional relationships. This can leave one or both people feeling lonely in the relationship due to the lack of emotional connection (see my article: Feeling Lonely in a Relationship).

Transactional Relationships: Goal-Oriented Relationships

• Limited or No Emotional Depth: Emotional connection isn't usually the focus of transactional romantic relationships--although this doesn't mean there isn't any emotional connection. It just means it's not the primary focus because of the goal-oriented nature of the relationship (see my article: Vulnerability as a Pathway to Greater Emotional and Sexual Intimacy).

Transactional Relationships: Limited Commitment and Emotional Depth

• Difference in Power Dynamics: There is often a difference in power in these relationships where one person has more power including money, social status or other resources. However, it can be difficult to distinguish who has the power at any given time in certain relationships. For instance, in sugar relationships, even though the younger and more attractive person, who is providing sex or companionship, might appear to have less power, they might actually have more power in certain relationships. They are often the ones who dictate the terms based on their desirability. This is generally true in most transactional relationships. It's not always easy to say who really has the power at any given time especially in transactional relationships and power  dynamics might change (see my article: Are You Giving Away Your Power to Someone Who Doesn't Treat You Well?).

How Can Couples Therapy Help?

If you and your partner are on the same wavelength in a transactional relationship, you might be satisfied, at least for now, with your relationship. 

But if you're not happy with the relationship dynamics and you are either trying to understand the complex dynamic or you want to change the dynamics, you could benefit from seeking help in couples therapy (see my article: What is Emotionally Focused Therapy For Couples (EFT)?).

A skilled couples therapist can help you both to understand the dynamics in your relationship and, if both partners agree, try to make changes so you're both happier.

If there's no possibility of change, an experienced couples therapist can help you to end the relationship with integrity and compassion.

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

If you have been struggling in your relationship, you could benefit from seeking help from a licensed mental health professional who has the expertise to help you with your problem (see my article: What Happens in Couples Therapy?)

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help so you can live a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I have over 20 years of experience helping individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles About Relationships

What If Your Partner Isn't Ready For Couples Therapy?

Dating vs Being in a Relationship

Dating For a Lasting Relationship: The Spark vs the Slow Burn

What Do You Need to Feel Closer to Your Partner?

Relationship Expectations: What is the "Good Enough" Relationship? No, It Doesn't Mean "Settling"

According to Dr. John Gottman, author and world-renowned relationship expert, you're more likely to have the kind of relationship you want if you have high expectations--as long as your expectations are realistic.

How Do Your Expectations Affect How You're Treated in a Relationship?

According to Dr. Gottman, people with high expectations are usually in relationships where they're treated well.

Relationship Expectations

Dr. Gottman's findings coincide with research by Dr. Ronald Baucom from the University of North Carolina.  

Dr. Baucom studied marital expectations for 10 years and found that people who have low expectations are usually treated poorly and people with higher expectations tend to be in relationships where they are treated well.

What is the "Good Enough" Relationship?

Before going on, let's define what Dr. Gottman means by a "good enough" relationship.

A "good enough" relationship doesn't mean settling for what you don't want.

It means being realistic.

In a "good enough" relationship you are treated with 

• Kindness
• Love
• Affection
• Loyalty
• Respect

What people often get wrong in terms of relationship expectations is that they expect their relationship to be conflict free and to meet all their needs.

While it's understandable that no one wants a relationship that has constant conflict and upheaval, it's normal for couples to argue sometimes.

On the other end of the spectrum, when couples handle problems by avoiding conflict altogether, this often leads to emotional and sexual estrangement. 

Avoidant couples might appear calm on the outside, but there's usually a lot of tension roiling under the surface. 

For couples who have avoided dealing with their problems for a long time, the tension between them is often palpable so they can no longer maintain a calm facade. Everyone around them can feel it.

One or both partners who are avoidant might engage in giving the other partner "the silent treatment" which is also known as stonewalling (see my article: How to Improve Communication in Your Relationship: Stop Stonewalling).

Avoidant couples also allow grievances to pile up which leads to even more estrangement.

According to Dr. Gottman, when conflict is handled in a productive way, it can lead to greater understanding in the relationship. 

In addition, how each partner makes and accepts gestures to repair after an argument is also important. 

When there's no gesture for repair or the gesture isn't accepted by the other partner, grievances can pile up and result in longstanding resentment which can create increasing emotional and sexual disconnection (see my article: How to Deal With Resentment in Your Relationship).

Longstanding resentment can also lead to the demise of the relationship.

Realistic vs Unrealistic Expectations

Dr. Gottman also recommends that couples have realistic expectations with regard to solvable and unsolvable problems.

Relationship Expectations

Couples with unrealistic expectations often expect their partner to fulfill all their needs, which becomes an unsolvable problem.

Unsolvable problems which are based on unrealistic expectations include:

• Expecting a partner to know what you need without telling them
• Expecting a relationship to heal your childhood emotional wounds/trauma
• Expecting a relationship to fulfill all your emotional, psychological and existential needs

In addition, if you have an expectation that your partner will be your "soulmate," you're more likely to be disappointed when your partner can't fulfill all your needs because this is an unrealistic expectation. 

This also places a heavy burden on your partner and the relationship (see my article:  Why Looking For a "Soulmate" Will Disappoint You).

How to Strengthen Your Relationship

Couples in "good enough" relationships with realistic expectations can focus on strengthening their relationship by:

• Respecting one another
• Supporting each other's hopes and dreams
• Trusting each other and being trustworthy/loyal

Relationship Expectations

• Managing conflict constructively
• Making and receiving gestures for repair after an argument
• Learning to compromise 

In addition, having healthy relationship goals, which are developed together with your partner, can strengthen your relationship (see my article: 10 Relationship Goals That Can Strengthen Your Relationship ).

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.