What Are the Unspoken Expectations Between Some Mothers and Adult Daughters?

The relationship between some mothers and daughters can be complex (see the links for previous articles on mothers and daughters at the end of this article).

Expectatons Between Mothers and Adult Daughters

What Are the Unspoken Expectations Between Some Mothers and Adult Daughters?

Unspoken expectations between mothers and adult daughters are silent "rules" that create deep emotional friction when one or both them think these rules have been broken.

Here are some of the most common unspoken expectations that dictate many mother-daughter relationships:

The Expectation of a Shared Identity

• The Emotional Mirror: While many mothers expect their adult daughters to mirror their core values, life choices and morals, many adult daughters expect their mothers to validate every feeling they have.

• The Mind-Reading Rule: Many mothers and adult daughters assume that just because they share a genetic and historical bond, they should automatically know what the other needs without explicit communication.

Expectations Between Mothers and Adult Daughters

• The "Am I You?" Trap: Some mothers expect their adult daughters to live out the dreams the mothers never achieved. They might view a different path as being a personal rejection.

The Obligation of Availability

• The Priority Shift: Many mothers expect that they will continue to be their adult daughter's main confidante. This can lead to resentment for the daughter's partner, spouse and friends who become the daughter's emotional support.

• The Caregiver Default: There is often an unspoken assumption that the mother will be the babysitter for the adult daughter's children. This can cause resentment if the mother has other ways she might want to spend her time. Conversely, a mother might assume she will take care of the daughter's children and become hurt and disappointed when the daughter chooses to hire a nanny instead. In addition, there might be an unspoken assumption by the mother that her daughter will be her physical caretaker as the mother ages. This can cause the mother to feel resentful if the daughter either can't or won't take care of her and the daughter might feel guilty--even if she knows she can't do it.

• The Open Door Policy: There might be an unspoken expectation by both mothers and adult daughters that boundaries don't apply between them so that there can be visits without calling ahead to see if it's convenient.

The Burden of Perfection

• The Flawless History: Adult daughters often expect their mothers to be completely healed, rational and "perfect". They might forget that their mothers can be flawed individuals with their own history of unresolved trauma. Mothers, in turn, might expect that their adult daughter's childhood history became automatically healed because the trauma occurred when the daughter was a child. They think "it happened a long time ago" so their daughter shouldn't still be affected by the trauma.

• The Unconditional Approval: Adult daughters might silently expected unconditional approval for their lifestyle, career or parenting choices. At the same time, mothers might expected their advice to be accepted without question.

Expectations Between Mothers and Adult Daughters

• The Legacy Preservation: Mothers might expect adult daughters to maintain specific family traditions, holidays and ways of communicating exactly as they had been when their daughter was growing up. When a daughter makes decisions about what she wants, which might be different from what the mother wants, the mother might feel sad and resentful. In addition, adult daughters might expect that their mothers will always remain the same and they might become disappointed if mothers want to make changes.

How Can Mothers and Adult Daughters Break These Patterns?

Breaking unspoken expectations requires shifting from an automatic emotional reaction to intentional communication.

This process involves shifting from a mother-child interaction to an adult-to-adult relationship.

Here are some guidelines that might be helpful in making this shift:

Identify the "Trigger and Trend"

Before speaking to each other, identify the patterns between you to understand exactly what is happening:

• Name the Unspoken Rule: Pinpoint the exact expectation (e.g., "Mother expects me to call her every day at the same time and, if I don't, she thinks there's something wrong between us).

Expectations Between Mothers and Adult Daughters

• Notice Your Physical Reaction: Pay attention to when you feel guilty, angry or resentful and notice the physical sensation in your body. Physical reactions about these types of issues often indicate a boundary violation.

• Separate Love From Compliance: Remind yourself that disagreeing with a choice or setting a boundary with a family member doesn't mean you love them less.

Transition From Unspoken to Spoken

Bring the hidden expectations into the light using neutral, non-accusatory language.

• Use "I" Statements: Focus on your experience rather than blaming the other person's behavior.

• Call Out the Silent Expectation Gently: Instead of blaming and accusing, you can make an observation. For instance, you could say something like, "I've noticed that when I don't call you every day, you think there's something wrong between us."

• Acknowledge the Good Intention: Validate the love behind the behavior before shifting it. For instance, if your mother gives unsolicited parental advice which you don't agree with, you can say something like, "I know you're offering this advice because you love the kids, but I need to figure this out myself."

Establish Clear Behavioral Boundaries

Replace the unspoken rules with a clear, predictable boundary so both of you know what to expect.

• Define Communication Patterns: Instead of waiting for a stressful, angry call from the other person, set a predictable pattern: "Let's get caught up with each other with a phone call every Wednesday night" (or however you want to structure it).

• Set Topic Boundaries: Decide what is "off limits" if certain topics create conflict. For example, you can say something like, "I love you, but I'm not willing to talk to you about my finances."

• Keep the Boundaries: Old habits are often hard to change. If the "off limits" topic comes up, politely remind the other person about the agreement. For instance, you can say, "We agreed not to talk about this" and if the other person persists, you can say, "I'm going ot hang up now. We can talk next Wednesday."

Practice De-Enmeshment (Differentiation)

De-enmeshment is a psychological process of accepting that you are two separate individuals with different minds, feelings, values and lives (see my article: Enmeshed Families).

• Allow Them to Be Disappointed: You cannot control their emotional reaction to your boundary setting. Allow them to sit with their discomfort without trying to 'fix" it.

• Let Go of the Need For Approval: Stop asking for validation for choices you have already made. If you decide to tell them about your decisions, state these decisions as facts rather than a proposal for their approval.

• View Them as a Peer: Remind yourself that your mother is a flawed human being (just as we all are) and that she had a life before you. If you're a mother, remind yourself that your daughter is a grown adult who. must make her own decisions and deal with any mistakes.

Shift From Reacting to Responding

When old patterns come up, pause before you fall back on old patterns.

• Take a Time-Out: Do not respond immediately to an angry text or phone call. Wait 20 minutes to cool down and respond instead of reacting (see my article: Responding Instead of Reacting).

• Use Deflection: Keep a few phrases handy for when boundaries are pushed. This might involve saying something like, "That's an interesting perspective" or "We just see things differently and that's okay."

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette is a composite of many different cases:

Janet and Ann

When Janet brought home her boyfriend, Tom, to meet her mother, Ann, Janet could tell immediately that Ann didn't approve of him.

Ann raised Janet in a strict Christian home and she expected that Janet would maintain the same religious traditions. When Janet was in her early 20s, she let her mother know that she no longer believed in these strict traditions and religion was no longer important to her.  Although Ann was very disappointed, she thought that she could convince Janet to change her mind. 

Problems Between Mothers and Adult Daughters

When Ann asked Tom about his religion, initially, he was surprised by this intrusive question, but he maintained his composure and told her that he didn't follow any religion. This disturbed Ann, who later told Janet that she believed Tom was "influencing her in the wrong direction."

Janet bristled at this comment and reminded her mother that she had made up her mind about religion long before she met Tom and she didn't want Janet to blame him.

After a few heated arguments, Janet told her mother that she loved her, but this was a topic that was "off limits" between them.

Janet had always struggled to set limits with her mother without feeling guilty. She knew she and her mother were enmeshed and she began therapy to work on this.

Gradually, Janet learned to maintain boundaries that she set with her mother. It wasn't easy at first because she felt guilty about it. But after a while, she felt more entitled to be her own person and to remind her mother that they were two different individuals.

Initially, Ann struggled with Janet's boundary setting. She felt she knew what was best for her adult daughter and she wanted to spare Janet from making mistakes she would regret. But, over time, she realized that if she wanted to maintain a healthy relationship with her daughter, she needed to respect her daughter's boundaries.

Conclusion

The vignette in this article is about how a mother has problems with her adult daughter's boundaries but, as I mentioned earlier, the problem is just as likely to be an adult daughter who doesn't respect a mother's boundaries.

Although this article focuses on mother and daughters, there can be similar dynamics between mothers and sons, fathers and sons and fathers and daughters.

Get Help in Therapy

If you are having problems working out issues on your own, you could benefit from working together in mother-daughter therapy.

Get Help in Mother-Daughter Therapy

You might also need to work on issues individually either as a preliminary step before you participate in mother-daughter or even if you never attend this therapy with your relative.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional so you can free yourself from old habitual patterns and you can lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, IFS/Parts Work Therapist, Somatic Experiencing, EFT Couples Therapist and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have helped many individuals, couples and mothers and daughters over the years.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

I offer a free 10-15 minute phone call before setting up an appointment either in person or online.

You can reach me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles:

Ambivalence and Codependence Between Mothers and Adult Daughters

Mother-Daughter Relationships: Early Bonding 

Life Stages in Mother-Daughter Relationships 

Healing Adult Mother-Daughter Relationships 

 

Coping With Dating Anxiety

When you have anxiety, dating can feel like an exhausting job interview.

Coping With Dating Anxiety

My article discusses both the internal and external hurdles that you might encounter when you're dealing with dating anxiety and how to manage your anxiety:

What Are the Internal Hurdles?

• Overthinking: You don't have to analyze every text, how long it takes the other person to respond to your text and try to interpret whether the person likes you or not by the inclusion or exclusion of emojis (see my article: Tips on How to Stop Overthinking).

• Fear of Rejection: When you shift your focus from "Will they like me?" to "Will I like them?", you can take back your personal power (see my article: Reclaiming Your Personal Power).

• Social Fatigue: Keep the early dates short to manage your anxiety and avoid possible social fatigue where you feel drained by the other person. You can manage dating anxiety by treating early dates as low stake social events rather than high-pressure auditions.

Coping With Dating Anxiety

• Self Sabotage: Focus on being curious and getting to know the other person. Don't focus only on looking for flaws or red flags that don't exist. Also, don't complain about how horrible online dating is or your prior dating or relationship disasters (see my article: Overcoming Self Sabotaging Behavior).

• Early Disclosure Anxiety: Don't overshare the details of your mental health concerns or your family trauma on your first date. Also, don't complain about your exes.

• A Constant Need For Reassurance: Avoid asking your date for constant reassurance due to your anxiety. Focus on yourself.

• Settling: Once you have dated the person a few times and you feel the two of you aren't compatible, don't "settle" for the wrong person just to avoid dating anxiety.

Managing Pre-Date Anxiety

Since anxiety thrives on uncertainty, you can minimize the unknown variables before the date to lower your anxiety:

• Limit Time on Dating Apps: Since spending a lot of time on dating apps or waiting for responses can fuel rumination, plan to spend only a limited amount of time on apps. Set a time limit, like 10 or 15 minutes every day or every other day (or whatever works for you) to prevent stress and burnout.

Coping With Dating Anxiety

• Plan Low Stakes Short Activities: Instead of meeting for dinner, choose short activities, like meeting for coffee or tea. 

• Pick Familiar Territory For Your Date: Suggest a place you already know well. Knowing the layout, the menu or parking situations removes logistical anxiety and stress.

• Have An Exit Plan: You can reduce your anxiety by knowing that you have a short get-together so you don't have to remain for long if you don't want to stay.

Managing Anxiety During the Date

• Stay Grounded: If your mind starts spinning due to anxiety, ground yourself by silently naming things to yourself. For instance, you can choose a color, like blue, and silently notice all the things around you that are the color blue. In this way, you orient yourself to your environment rather than focusing on anxiety. You can also silently focus on how your feet feel on the ground to feel calmer.

• Manage Your Expectations: Remember that a date is like having a conversation. It's not a marriage proposal. Aim for having fun and not for finding your "soulmate".

Coping With Dating Anxiety

• Have Topics in Mind to Discuss: If the conversation starts to drag or it gets boring, have a few topics or open-ended questions in mind so you don't become anxious when there are silences.

• Focus on the Here-and-Now: Instead of allowing your anxiety to spin out of control with thoughts like, "He doesn't like me" or "She's bored", focus on the here-and-now rather than the thoughts spinning in your head. Are they smiling? Are they asking you questions? Focus on the present rather than your anxious internal commentary.

Managing Anxiety After the Date

• Establish a Wind-Down Routine For Yourself: Plan a wind-down activity for yourself for after the date. This might include journaling or watching a TV program that is comforting for you. This can ensure that the rest of your day ends on a good note regardless of how the date went.

Coping With Dating Anxiety

• Mute Dating App Notifications: Turn off push notifications on your dating apps. This can stop the addictive dopamine loop and allows you to be in control of when you want to look at the apps.

• Pause Before Texting: If a delayed response from your date triggers a fight-or-flight response in you, put your phone in another room. Take a few slow breaths before writing back to avoid reactive, anxious texts (see my article: 8 Tips For Coping With Triggers).

• Remember Your Autonomy: Remember that you are responsible for managing your emotions. Don't expect a new date to constantly reassure you or alter their texting habits which could put a strain on a new dating relationship.

Getting Help in Therapy

If anxiety feels unmanageable or if it is due to prior unhealthy relationships or unresolved trauma, get help from a licensed mental health professional.

Getting Help For Anxiety in Therapy

A skilled psychotherapist can help you to manage your anxiety by providing you with tools and strategies as well as dealing with the underlying issues that might be fueling your anxiety.

Rather than struggling alone, get help so you can live a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), IFS and Ego States Therapist, Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have helped many individual adults and couples over the years.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles:

Dating: How to Move Beyond Small Talk 

Dating in Your 40s, 50s, 60s and Beyond

Are You Dating or Are You in A Relationship? How to Avoid Misunderstandings 

Why Searching For the "Perfect" Partner Will Disappoint You 

What is the Difference Between Fear and Anxiety?

 

Relationships: How to Try to Prevent Implicit Betrayals

In my prior post, Coping With Implicit Betrayals, I defined implicit betrayals in relationships and discussed how to cope if you discover an implicit betrayal in your relationship.

I wrote the article about coping with implicit betrayals first because many couples discover there have been implicit betrayals before they even know what that term means and before they have discussed these issues as a couple.

Preventing Implicit Betrayals in Your Relationship

In the current post, I'm discussing how to try to prevent implicit betrayals.

While you might not be able to completely avoid this kind of problem in your relationship, you and your partner can try to prevent it by being proactive and taking certain steps.

I suggest you read my prior article if you haven't already to understand what implicit betrayals are, but here's a brief review:

Implicit betrayals includes (but is not limited to) non-obvious violations of trust including:

• Emotional affairs that are hidden from the partner
• Financial infidelity including secret bank accounts, hiding big expenditures, etc.
• Withholding affection, chronic criticism or stonewalling
• Gaslighting
  
• Emotional disengagement (also known as quiet quitting)
• A conditional commitment to the relationship
• Neglect or selfishness
• Consistent broken promises
• Lying by omission including not being completely honest with your partner
• Online infidelity including romantic or sexual texts with others in chats
• Consistently siding with a third party against your partner (e.g., mother, father, in-law, friend or other family member)

How to Try to Prevent Implicit Betrayals

I use the word try because you can't control their partner.  However, there are things you can do to try to prevent implicit betrayals:

• Don't Rush Into a Relationship: Take it slowly and get to know the other person well including their values and how they define implicit betrayals (see my article: How to Stop Rushing Into a Relationship Too Quickly).

Preventing Implicit Betrayals in Your Relationship

• Practice Clear Proactive Communication: Although you might think your partner and you are both on the same page with regard to implicit betrayals, you might discover that you're not after you discover an implicit betrayal. So, practice clear communication about what you consider implicit betrayals. For instance, if neither you nor your partner mind online romantic or sexual chats with other people, that's not an implicit betrayal. But if you do, you need to be clear and specific about that as well as other forms of implicit betrayals.

• Align Expectations With Reality: Acknowledge your partner for who they are and your relationship for what it is and not how you want things to be. Make sure you're both on the same page with regard to a commitment to the relationship and other issues that are important to you. Don't assume you're in a committed relationship just because you have been seeing each other for a certain amount of time. Talk about how you feel and your partner feels about the status of things between you (see my article: Are You and Your Partner on the Same Page About Your Relationship?).

• Practice Moderate Vulnerability: While you don't want to be a completely "closed book" during the early stage of a relationship, avoid deep vulnerability until you know your partner well and trust has been earned for each of you.

• Define and Set Personal Boundaries: Have clear communication at the beginning of a relationship about what each of you would consider an implicit betrayal. Be specific. Don't assume that you and your partner feels the same way about it (see my article: How to Set Boundaries in Your Relationship).

• Manage Your Triggers: If there have been trust issues because you have unresolved trauma from childhood that involved trust violations, learn to manage your triggers. Identify your triggers and learn to manage them. Also, know when you're reacting to the past and not to the present (see my articles: Coping With Triggers and Reacting to Your Present Circumstances Based on Your Traumatic Past).

• Don't Compromise Your Self Respect: Be calm and assertive when your boundaries have been crossed. Keep promises you have made to yourself. Don't allow your partner to disrespect you in order to maintain the relationship (see my article: What is the Difference Between Assertive and Aggressive Behavior?).

• Practice Self Care: Build your own resilience  so that if a betrayal does occur your sense of self isn't destroyed.

Get Help in Therapy

Some people have problems being clear on what implicit betrayals mean to them because they are either inexperienced with relationships, don't know how to communicate or their boundaries were consistently violated when they were growing up so they have problems separtating the past from the present.

Get Help in Therapy

If you're unclear about what implicit betrayals mean to you, you could benefit from doing your own individual therapy with a licensed mental health professional who can help you to overcome unresolved trauma so you can understand and communicate your personal needs and boundaries.

If you and your partner are having difficulty negotiating an agreement about implicit betrayals or other aspects of your relationship, you could benefit from working with a a couples therapist who can help you both to understand and communicate your needs and come to an agreement. 

If you can't come to a mutual agreement, a couples therapist can help you to break up in a conscious, respectful and compassionate way so you can both move on without regrets about how you ended your relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have helped many individual adults and couples over the years.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

What Does It Mean to Be "On a Break" From Your Relationship?

Anyone who watched the "Friends" episode, "The One Where Ross and Rachel Take a Break" remembers the problems that resulted from Rachel telling Ross during a heated argument that they should take a break.

Taking a Break From Your Relationship

During their argument, after Rachel suggests they take a break, Ross walks out feeling devastated. Then, he goes out to a club, gets drunk and he gets sexually involved with Chole, the "copy girl."

Soon afterwards, Rachel finds out that Ross slept with Chloe, which leads to another argument about what it means to be "on a break" and whether it meant that Ross and Rachel were broken up or they were temporarily not seeing each other but also not seeing anyone else.

This misunderstanding leads to a breakup because Rachel is hurt, angry and mistrustful of Ross.

What Does It Mean to Be "On a Break" From Your Relationship?

To avoid potential misunderstandings, it's important to be clear on what it means when you say you want a break in the relationship.

Here are some factors to consider:

• Define the Terms: Be clear with each other as to whether you're each taking a "pause" from the relationship in order to fix problems or if the break is actually the beginning stage of a permanent breakup.

• Establish Ground Rules: Be specific: Does it mean a one week break or a one month break or some other time period? Also, be clear as to whether you can each date other people or if other people are off limits.  Does it mean you're going to go no-contact? If not, what type of contact will you have (text? phone calls? etc) and how often. Whatever you both decide, respect the boundaries you have both agree to.  If you don't define the terms together, you're going to have misunderstandings similar to Ross and Rachel on "Friends".

Taking a Break From Your Relationship

• Focus on Self Care and Reflection: Use your time apart to think about your needs, your partner's needs, the relationship issues and whether or not you want to be in this relationship.

• Avoid Manipulation: Do not use the break to gain leverage or make your partner jealous.

• Manage Your Expectations: Be prepared for an outcome that could go either way including the possibility that the break can lead to a permanent separation.

• Don't Use a Temporary Break to Avoid Saying You Want a Permanent End to the Relationship: Many people who don't feel comfortable saying they want to end the relationship tell their partner that they want a temporary break knowing beforehand that they don't plan to reunite with their partner. They're too uncomfortable to talk about their real feelings, so they use the excuse of a temporary break as a way to exit the relationship. Then, they ghost their partners and don't respond when their partners contact them which leaves their partners feeling hurt, angry and betrayed. If you know. you want to end the relationship, say so. It will be a lot less painful for both of you in the long run if you're upfront and honest with yourself and your partner.

Get Help in Couples Therapy

If you're not sure how to handle being on a break or you're not sure if you even want a break, seek help in couples therapy.

Get Help in Couples Therapy

A skilled couples therapist can help you to define what you each want from your relationship and, if you choose to stay together, provide you with the tools and strategies to get there. 

If you decide not to stay together, a couples therapist can help you to break up in a way that is caring and respectful.

So, rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who is a couples therapist.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have over 25 years of experience working with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Relationships: You Can't "Fix" Your Partner. Focus on Yourself Instead

Many people believe they can change partner into being the person they want them to be. They believe that love alone will change their partner into being the partner they want. But trying to "fix" your partner is usually doomed to failure if they don't want to change.

You Can't "Fix" Your Partner

Why You Can't Change Your Partner If They Don't Want to Change

• Change Must Be Internally Motivated: Your partner needs to have internal motivation to change for lasting change to occur. They might change temporarily to appease you, but for lasting change to occur, they need to be internally motivated.

• Deep-seated Behavior is Difficult to Change: Behavior which is rooted in the past isn't easily changed just because you want your partner to change.

• Your Pressure Can Create Resentment: You might think you can "fix" your partner, but your partner might resent you for it, which makes change even harder.

• Love Isn't a Motivator For Change: If you're telling your partner they would change if they loved you, you're not understanding how change occurs. They can't do it for you--no matter how much they love you. They need to want to do it for themself.

What Can You Do Instead of Pressuring Your Partner to Change?

• Change Your Own "Dance Steps": Instead of focusing on changing your partner, focus on changing yourself. The late Sue Johnson, Ph.D., who developed Emotion Focused Therapy (EFT) For Couples, talked about the "EFT Tango" as a metaphor for the dance that couples do as part of the structured interventions that couples do together. She advised clients to change their own "dance steps" regardless of what the other partner does. When you change your own "dance steps", you change the dynamic in your relationship. This opens up a space for your partner to change--if they want to change.

• Communicate Your Needs Clearly: Express your needs in a clear and vulnerable way. Expressing your needs is more effective than criticizing or nagging your partner.
• 
  
• Set Boundaries: Be clear on what you will and will not put up with, especially if your partner's behavior is hurtful to you (see my article: Setting Boundaries in Your Relationship).

• Offer Support; Instead of criticizing or pressuring, offer your support for whatever change your partner is willing to make. Offering encouragement is different from trying to force change.

• Manage Your Expectations: Once you accept that you can't change your partner's behavior, you might experience a reduction in your resentment. This doesn't mean you have to put up with hurtful behavior. Instead, it means that you realize your partner has to want to change and until they do, you can't "fix" them.

• Decide If the Relationship Is Right For You: If you find yourself constantly wanting your partner to change, this could be a sign that you and your partner have different values and the relationship isn't right for you. You have to decide whether your partner's behavior is a dealbreaker for you.

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette illustrates the dynamics mentioned above. As always, this vignette is a composite of many different cases to protect confidentiality:

Agnes and Bill:

Five years into their marriage, Agnes realized Bill's drinking had increased over time.  He would often come home from a stressful day of work and spend the night drinking.

You Can't "Fix" Your Partner

When Agnes complained to Bill, she felt he was giving her lip service to stop drinking, but he continued to get drunk every night. No amount of nagging and complaining stopped his behavior. She told him that if he loved her, he would change, but this didn't work either--even though she knew he loved her very much.

When she realized she couldn't change Bill, Agnes decided to get support in her own individual therapy. Over time, Agnes realized in therapy that she couldn't change Bill's behavior because he didn't want to stop drinking, so she worked on improving her own life. She began working out at the gym, seeing friends more often and developing new hobbies.

After a while, Bill felt increasingly lonely as he watched Agnes' life flourish. Since he wanted to save his marriage and his doctor told him that his drinking had increased his blood pressure problems, he considered cutting back on alcohol. But when he realized he couldn't cut back on his own, he sought help in his own therapy with a therapist who was knowledgeable about alcoholism.

Gradually, Bill learned new coping skills and strategies in his individual therapy and he was able to stop drinking. 

When they were both ready, Bill and Agnes began couples therapy to improve their relationship. They both learned new tools so they could have a more meaningful relationship.

Conclusion

You can't change your partner unless they are internally motivated to change.

Instead of focusing on trying to "fix" your partner, focus on yourself.

Individual therapy can help you to focus on yourself and, eventually, to decide whether you want to remain in your relationship.

Get Help in Therapy

Rather than focusing on "fixing" your partner, get help in individual therapy to work on yourself.

Get Help in Therapy

Individual therapy can help you to develop the tools and strategies you need to feel more confident and make major decisions.

If your partner is willing, you can both participate in couples therapy to work on your relationship. 

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work, Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Relationships: How to Stop Avoiding Conflict So You Can Have Healthy Communication

Conflicts are inevitable in relationships, but many individuals avoid conflicts. This avoidance often results in misunderstandings, disappointment and resentment, which becomes part of the couple's negative cycle (see my article: The Problem Isn't the Problem. The Problem is the Repeating Negative Cycle in the Relationship).

Stop Avoiding Conflicts in Your Relationship

Why Do People in Relationships Avoid Conflicts?

• Fear of Conflict: Individuals who avoid conflicts have a fear of conflict because they are afraid of negative outcomes including judgment or rejection from their partner. They might also fear the conflict will end the relationship. In addition, they might have a negative prior history with conflict in their family of origiin or in prior relationships, including unresolved trauma, which reinforces their avoidance. 

• Anxiety and Self Doubt: Anxiety about expressing their feelings and self doubt might also be contributing factors. This can make conflict seem overwhelming, especially if they fear that conflict will result in a shouting match.

Stop Avoiding Conflicts in Your Relationship

• A Need to Maintain Short-Term Harmony in the Relationship At Any Cost: These individuals prioritize maintaining short term harmony, but avoiding conflict prevents personal growth, relationship growth and fosters disappointments and resentment. A need to maintain short-term harmony often results in long-term disharmony due to consequences of unexpressed feelings and beliefs.

• Fear of Short-Term Emotional Discomfort: Confrontations can bring about short-term emotional discomfort, but if a couple has healthy communication skills, confrontations can also resolve problems which can bring long-term comfort.

What Are the Relationship Dynamics When Couples Avoid Confrontations?

Every relationship is different, but the following are some of the most common relationship dynamics when couples avoid confrontations:

• A Desire to Maintain Short-Term Harmony While Problems Fester: Couples who avoid confrontations often prioritize maintaining harmony instead of addressing the underlying problems in their relationship--even if it means continuing to have unresolved problems in the long term.

• Poor Communication Skills: People who avoid confrontations often feel unprepared to deal with conflict because they lack healthy communication skills (see my article: Complaining Instead of Expressing What You Want).

Stop Avoiding Conflict in Your Relationship

• Fear of Vulnerable Emotions: Many individuals are afraid of the emotional vulnerability involved with expressing their feelings, so they would rather avoid it altogether (see my article: Emotonal Vulnerabiltiy as a Pathway to Greater Emotional and Sexual Intimacy).

What Are the Consequences of Conflict Avoidance?

Every relationship will have their own unique consequences, but here are some of the most common outcomes of conflict avoidance:

• Unresolved Issues: When a couple avoids dealing with conflict, unresolved issues grow and fester. Disappointment and resentment grows which can lead to even larger blow ups than if the couple had dealt with the problems when they first developed.

• Communication Breakdown: As problems are avoided, communication between the individuals breaks down. When open and honest communication shuts down, this often leads to emotional distancing.

Stop Avoiding Conflict in Your Relationship

• Emotional Distancing: As problems grow and fester, couples often distance themselves from each other. This can be conscious or an unconscious behavior.  This leads to a lack of emotional and sexual intimacy. Defensive walls develop between them so they might no longer see and hear one another. This can result in loneliness and isolation.

• Stagnation and the Possible End of the Relationship: As problems persist, communication breaks down and each the couple distances themselves from each other, the relationship stagnates. Each person can feel stuck in an unfulfilling relationship as the couple drifts apart. This can also lead to the end of the relationship.

How to Overcome Conflict Avoidance

• Become Aware: The first step in overcoming conflict avoidance is to become aware of the problem.  Learn to recognize these patterns in the relationship (see my article: What is Self Reflective Awareness and Why Is It Important to You?).

Stop Avoiding Conflict in Your Relationship

• Challenge Negative Beliefs About Conflict: Reframe your beliefs about conflict to understand that conflict is a necessary part of building intimacy and emotional connection instead of seeing it as a sign of a failed relationship.

• Understand the Consequences of Conflict Avoidance: Develop an understanding for what is lost and what is gained with conflict avoidance. In terms of losses, this can include loss of emotional and sexual intimacy. With regard to what can be gained, this can include better communication and the overall health and well-being of the individuals and the relationship.

How to Use Healthy Communication Skills to Deal With Conflicts

• Practice Active Listening: Listen to your partner's concerns with respect and without interrupting or focusing on when you will get your turn to speak (see my article: The Importance of Active Listening in Your Relationship).

Stop Avoiding Conflict in Your Relationship

• Use I-Statements: Rather than using accusatory statements and blaming your partner, use I-statements where you express your feelings ("I feel hurt when...").

• Clarify Your Expectations: Instead of assuming your partner already knows or "should know" your expectations, be explicit about what you want. When you're able to express your needs clearly, you can set clear boundaries and prevent bigger misunderstandings.

Stop Avoiding Conflict in Your Relationship

• Create a Safe Space: Talking about conflicts can be emotionally vulnerable so create a safe space for each other, you will both feel safer to express your feelings in a healthy way (see my article: Creating an Emotional Safe Haven For Each Other).

Get Help in Couples Therapy

Many couples need help to deal with their problems.

Stop Avoiding Conflict in Your Relationship

If you and your partner have been unable to resolve your problems in your own, you could benefit from seeking health from a licensed mental health professional who works with couples.

A skilled couples therapist can help you overcome your problems so you can have a fulfilling relationship (see my article: How to Get the Most Out of Couples Therapy).

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (couples therapist), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.