What Are Transactional Relationships?

I've written many prior articles about relationships. I've included a list of a few of them at the bottom of this post.  You can also go to my website to find more under the headings of "Relationships" and "EFT Couples Therapy."

Transactional Relationships

In the current article I'm focusing on transactional relationships (see my article: Are You in a Transactional Relationship?).

What Are Transactional Relationships?

Transactional relationships are relationships where each person does things for the other in anticipation of getting something back in return. 

Transactional relationships are usually conditional in the sense that one or both people have expectations of what they want to get in return based on what they are willing to give. Usually if one or both people aren't getting what they want, the relationship ends.

Transactional relationships are based on reciprocity: An expected give-and-take between partners in the relationship. 

In transactional relationships, individuals prioritize what they can get from their partner, including financial support, social status, sex or other personal needs, over genuine emotional connection.  In that sense, these relationships are often superficial and lacking in emotional depth.

What Are Examples of Transactional Relationships?

The following are some examples of highly transactional relationships:

• Marriages of Convenience: These relationships focus on things like a visa, social status, and financial gain rather than love and genuine emotional connection. 

• Transactional Dating: These are dating relationships where one or both people have an expectation of what they will get in the relationship. An example of this would be that a heterosexual man buys a woman dinner and expects sex in exchange or vice versa. There is little to no emotional connection or commitment.

• Friends With Benefits: Most of these relationships focus on the convenience of sex between the partners with little or no expectation of commitment or emotional intimacy (see my article:  What Are the Pros and Cons of Friends With Benefits?).

Transactional Relationships: Friends With Benefits

• Career-Oriented Relationships: These relationships focus primarily on how their partner(s) can help them advance their career rather than focusing on emotional connection.

Transactional Relationships: Sugar Relationships

• Sugar Relationships (also known as Sugar Dating): These relationships usually involve one person being financially successful and supporting another financially or providing other concrete benefits to another person, who is often younger and more attractive, in exchange for sex or companionship. These are often short-term relationships with little to no expectation of commitment or emotional connection.

What Are the Characteristics of Transactional Relationships?

The following are some of the common characteristics of transactional relationships:

• Expectations: Both partners usually understand the expectations involved. For instance, if one person is paying for dinner with the expectation of sex, the other person is usually aware of this and either goes along with it because this is what they want (or need) or they don't necessarily like it, but they go along with it for their own personal reasons--even when they might feel ambivalent about it (see my article: What is the "Good Enough" Relationship? No, It Doesn't Mean Settling).

• Goal Oriented: There is a goal-oriented mindset in these types of relationships. This can involve financial goals, companionship, sex and so on. There is often little to no emotional spontaneity in transactional relationships. This can leave one or both people feeling lonely in the relationship due to the lack of emotional connection (see my article: Feeling Lonely in a Relationship).

Transactional Relationships: Goal-Oriented Relationships

• Limited or No Emotional Depth: Emotional connection isn't usually the focus of transactional romantic relationships--although this doesn't mean there isn't any emotional connection. It just means it's not the primary focus because of the goal-oriented nature of the relationship (see my article: Vulnerability as a Pathway to Greater Emotional and Sexual Intimacy).

Transactional Relationships: Limited Commitment and Emotional Depth

• Difference in Power Dynamics: There is often a difference in power in these relationships where one person has more power including money, social status or other resources. However, it can be difficult to distinguish who has the power at any given time in certain relationships. For instance, in sugar relationships, even though the younger and more attractive person, who is providing sex or companionship, might appear to have less power, they might actually have more power in certain relationships. They are often the ones who dictate the terms based on their desirability. This is generally true in most transactional relationships. It's not always easy to say who really has the power at any given time especially in transactional relationships and power  dynamics might change (see my article: Are You Giving Away Your Power to Someone Who Doesn't Treat You Well?).

How Can Couples Therapy Help?

If you and your partner are on the same wavelength in a transactional relationship, you might be satisfied, at least for now, with your relationship. 

But if you're not happy with the relationship dynamics and you are either trying to understand the complex dynamic or you want to change the dynamics, you could benefit from seeking help in couples therapy (see my article: What is Emotionally Focused Therapy For Couples (EFT)?).

A skilled couples therapist can help you both to understand the dynamics in your relationship and, if both partners agree, try to make changes so you're both happier.

If there's no possibility of change, an experienced couples therapist can help you to end the relationship with integrity and compassion.

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

If you have been struggling in your relationship, you could benefit from seeking help from a licensed mental health professional who has the expertise to help you with your problem (see my article: What Happens in Couples Therapy?)

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help so you can live a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I have over 20 years of experience helping individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles About Relationships

What If Your Partner Isn't Ready For Couples Therapy?

Dating vs Being in a Relationship

Dating For a Lasting Relationship: The Spark vs the Slow Burn

What Do You Need to Feel Closer to Your Partner?

Relationships: Are You and Your Partner on the Same Page About Your Relationship?

It's not unusual for people to enter into a new relationship without discussing what they each want.  Instead, each of them assumes that what they want is what their partner wants.  As a result, a few weeks or months into the relationship they're surprised to discover that they both want a different type of relationship (see my article: Are You and Your Boyfriend on the Same Wavelength?).

Are You and Your Partner on the Same Page?

Differences Between You and Your Partner Can Be Complicated

When you think about all the possible differences between people--wants and needs, personalities, family histories, cultures and religions, experiences in prior relationships--you can see why there would be misunderstandings if the couple doesn't talk about what they want before they enter into the relationship.

One person might have come from a family where they observed their parents in a happy monogamous relationship and this is what they envision for themselves. The other person might have come from a single parent home where they didn't see their parent in a relationship at all.  Another person might have witnessed two parents that were emotionally estranged.

Similarly, someone from a traditional culture or religion might not have much experience dating or being in a relationship so they're unclear as to what they want.  They might not even be sure if they want to be in a relationship, while their partner, who has a lot of relationship experience, might be ready to be part of a committed relationship.

New Relationship Energy at the Beginning of a Relationship

New relationship energy (NRE) is a state of mind at the beginning of a relationship. 

When you first start seeing someone new that you really like, it's easy to get caught up in that heady NRE where you feel like you're on top of the world and nothing could possibly go wrong.  

Everything is new, the sexual chemistry is probably strong, and you have so many other things to talk about because you're getting to know each other.  

While NRE is usually thought of as being desirable at the start of a relationship, the heady feelings involved can also distort how you perceive your partner or the potential for a satisfying relationship with this person.

If, in addition to NRE, you also bypass the step where you have a discussion about what you each want, you and your partner can feel disappointed later on when you realize you're not on the same page and you want different things.

Alternatives to Monogamy

In addition to the ambiguity of a new relationship, there are so many alternatives to a monogamous relationship, which could include (but are not limited to):

• Monogamish: A term coined by Dan Savage where the couple is mostly monogamous, but they allow for an occasional outside sex partner where there are no intended romantic feelings (although emotional attachments can develop even if both people don't intend for it to happen).

• Open Relationship: There are variations in open relationships, but open relationships usually mean that the couple considers themselves to be the main partners, but they also see other people, often for sex with no intended emotional connection (although, once again, unintended emotional connections can develop).

• Polyamorous: This is a form of consensual non-monogamy where each person sees other people outside the relationship and these other relationships might or might not be sexual and might or might not involve emotional attachment, depending upon what the couple has negotiated with each other. 

• Friends with Benefits (FWB): This is another category that has variations depending upon what each person wants. Sometimes FWB can start between two people who are friends but who also have a sexual attraction to each other. FWB can be for a limited duration or it can be ongoing for years. Sometimes the two people go back to being friends after they stop being sexual or when one or both enter into a more committed relationship with someone else, and sometimes they end the friendship altogether (see my article: The Pros and Cons of Friends With Benefits).

• Swinging: There is a lot of variety in this category which often brings to mind "wife swapping" and "key parties" from the 1970s. But the term actually covers a broad spectrum. Some couples who are swingers only engage in sexual activities together with a specific group of people and other couples each go off on their own individually to have sex with other people.  Swinging usually implies that there aren't intended emotional connections with other people outside the main relationship but, as in any type of relationship, emotional attachments can form.

You and Your Partner Need to Communicate

Misunderstandings and hurt feelings can develop if the two of you haven't defined your relationship from the start.

So, for instance, if you think you're in a monogamous relationship, but your partner assumes that the two of you are "monogamish," there can be serious consequences which lead to a breakup.

In upcoming articles, I'll discuss the signs that can alert you that you and your partner aren't on the same page and how to fix this problem (see my article: Telltale Signs You and Your Partner Aren't on the Same Page).

Getting Help in Therapy

Relationships are much more complicated these days than they were in your parents' time with many more choices.  It's not enough to love each other and just hope that your relationship will work out.

Knowing what you want and communicating it to your partner is important if you want to have a happy relationship. But this is often hard to do because people don't always know how to do it.

Whether you seek assistance individually or in couples therapy, you owe it to yourself and your partner to seek professional help if you're struggling with these issues.  

So, rather than struggling alone, get help from a licensed mental health practitioner so you can have a healthy relationship.

A skilled psychotherapist can help you to discover what you want and learn how to communicate effectively with your partner.  

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individuals and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 or email me.

Relationships: The Pros and Cons of Friends With Benefits (FWB)

Having casual sex with a friend, also known as Friends with Benefits (FWB), isn't for everyone.  Many people need the romance and the commitment to feel comfortable with having sex.  Other people don't like to mix friendship with sex.  But there are also many people who say Friends With Benefits works for them, and those people see certain advantages to having casual sex with a friend. This article will look at the pros and cons of FWB (see my article: 7 Signs Your Relationship is Based on Lust and Not Love).

Relationships: The Pros and Cons of Friends With Benefits (FWB)

The Different Types of Causal Sex

Before delving into FWB, I think it would be helpful to understand the different types of casual sexual encounters from the most superficial to FWB:

• One Night Stands: Of all the different sexual encounters, a one night stand is the most superficial with the least emotional commitment.  In fact, there's usually no emotional commitment. One night stands usually occur between strangers or people who are only superficially acquainted.  As the name implies, the encounter lasts one time and then the individuals part.

• Booty Calls: A step up from one night stands, booty calls are usually between people who are acquainted with each other but who don't have a friendship or a romantic relationship.  One person calls another on the spur of the moment to have sex.  Often, the people involved don't sleep together after they have sex, and there's no commitment.

• F--k Buddies: One step up from booty calls in terms of knowing one another, f--ck buddies are often friends whose primary objective is to have casual sex.  The relationship is often more about sex than it is about friendship.  They might have sex more often than people who see each other for booty calls.

• Friends With Benefits (FWB): Of all the casual sexual relationships, people who consider themselves FWB define themselves as mostly friends with the added bonus that they also have sex together.

The Pros and Cons of Friends with Benefits

    No Strings Attached vs. Feelings of Emotional Alienation:

• Pro:You'll have a person to have sex when you want to be sexual with someone.  This can be a very convenient way to fulfill your sexual needs without making an emotional commitment (if you and your friend mutually agree that this is what you both want).

• Con: Depending upon the two people involved and their agreement about their arrangement, they might not spend the night together or even show affection for each other after they have sex.  If this is what both people have agreed to, there might not be a problem.  But if one person is feeling especially lonely, this sexual encounter could be alienating and feel lonely.

    No Obligations or Constraints vs. Feelings of Insecurity and Inadequacy:

• Pro: You don't have to worry about obligations towards this person with regard to holidays, birthdays and other special occasions. You're also free to see other people without the constraints of a committed relationship.

• Con: Since the two of you can have other relationships and be sexual with other people, you or your friend might feel unexpected jealousy.  This could also bring up feelings of insecurity and inadequacy.

    The Possibility of a Deeper Relationship vs. Heartbreak:

• Pro: What starts out as being only Friends with Benefits could develop into a deeper relationship if both people want to shift the nature of their relationship.

• Con: Since there is no commitment, it could lead to emotional pain and heartbreak if one person develops deeper feelings and the other doesn't.

Maintaining Boundaries in a Friends With Benefits Relationship

If you're going to be in a FWB relationship, you and your partner need to communicate clearly and honestly about the boundaries and expectations of your relationship and any other relationships that you might be in (i.e., if you're in a primary romantic relationship with someone else).

Even if you have a clear understanding to start, one of the risks of FWB is that you could lose your friend if one of you develops romantic feelings for the other and the other person doesn't develop these feelings. So, it's important to understand that this is a risk.

It's also important to understand that even though the arrangement has the benefit of sex (often frequent sex), part of the boundary setting is usually that there are no other "benefits" like having emotional support during a stressful time.

You also have to prepare yourself that you might get "dropped" when your friend finds someone else where there are deeper feelings.  Or, you might be the person who finds someone else and has to discuss this with your friend.  Even though there was an original understanding that the relationship was only about sex, this can still be painful.

Your FWB Relationship Could Have a Negative Impact on Potential Romantic Partners

Potential partners who might be interested in you could be put off by your FWB relationship because it seems messy or complicated to them, and they might not want to be part of this. As a result, someone you might want to form a deeper relationship with might steer clear of you.

Only You Can Decide If FWB Is Right For You

The decision is yours as to whether you enter into a FWB arrangement with a friend. That's why it's important that you know yourself and what you need. This might be convenient for you if you just got out of a serious relationship and you don't want another serious relationship right now or there's some other reason why you only want to focus on having sex without a commitment.

Getting Help in Therapy

If you're struggling with these issues, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional.

An objective professional won't tell you what to do, but she can help you to sort out your emotions and get a perspective on what's best for you.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed psychotherapist so that you can lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article:  The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Therapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

7 Signs Your Relationship is Based on Lust and Not Love

In a previous article, Confusing Sexual Attraction With Love, I began a discussion about the difference between lust and love because so many people confuse the two.  In this article, I'll be discussing why intense sexual chemistry by itself isn't enough for a long term relationship and the signs that your relationship might be based on lust and not love.

Sexual Chemistry and Dopamine Highs During the Initial Stage of Dating

During the initial stage of dating when sexual chemistry and dopamine levels are soaring, it's easy to confuse lust and love.  This is especially true when one or both people really want to be in a long term relationship. The strong need for love and commitment can delude someone into believing that there's more to the relationship than there really is.

7 Signs Your Relationship is Based on Lust and Not Love

In the age of dating apps it's never been easier to confuse love and lust.  Many of these apps, especially the hook up apps, are set up for people to choose potential dates based on sexual attraction alone (see my article: Dating vs Being in a Relationship).

Although physical attraction and sexual chemistry are an important part of any new relationship, when that's all there is, it's not going to result in a lasting relationship.  More than likely, it will result in a relationship that lasts as long as there is intense sexual chemistry.  Once that's gone, the relationship often fizzles out.

You Want a Committed Relationship But Your Partner Wants Friends With Benefits (FWB)

If it's understood by both people that your relationship is about hooking up and Friends With Benefits (FWB) and not about being in a long term relationship, there's nothing wrong with that.  

But it's often the case that one person in the relationship wants more of a long term commitment and the other doesn't.  She or he might be willing to wait a while hoping that a deeper relationship will develop from a mostly sexual relationship, but when it doesn't, that's when arguments and resentment begin.

The person who wants a "forever relationship" usually begins complaining that, while sex might be great, the other person isn't meeting their emotional needs.  And the person who only wants a sexual relationship often cuts out at that point because s/he really can't meet the other person's emotional needs and the demands become too burdensome for him or her.

7 Signs That Your Relationship is Based on Lust and Not on Love

As painful as it might be, it's important to recognize and accept a relationship dynamic for what it is and not for what you want it to be.  If you're constantly trying to get a deeper commitment from a partner, over time this is going to erode your self esteem and, if you're already lacking self confidence, you're going to feel even more insecure.

7 Signs Your Relationship is Based on Lust and Not Love:

• 1. You Only Think and Talk About Sex With Your Partner: While it's important in any relationship to be able to talk about sex and what turns you on, if that's the only thing the two of you talk about, your relationship is probably not developing into something more substantial.  Talking about sex is fun, exciting and a turn on, but if you want a long term relationship, the two of you need to form a deeper connection, if that's possible, by talking about things that are meaningful to you.  If both of you want a deeper relationship, you need to find a way to build more emotional intimacy into your relationship and not just sexual intimacy.  If not, the relationship remains shallow and probably won't last long.

• 2. You're Only Happy When You're Having Sex With Your Partner: If you're not happy with your partner outside the bedroom, it's often a sign that there's not much else going on in your relationship and your emotional needs aren't being met. You might not have shared interests, hobbies or like the same things.  Without more substantial interests and mutual friends, your relationship is going to remain shallow, and if you want a long term relationship, it's going to be a disappointing experience. 

• 3. You Always Stay Home With Your Partner: Instead of going out on dates and having new experiences outside the bedroom, the two of you stay home all or most of the time.  If one or both of you want a deeper, more committed relationship, the two of you need to be more than just a booty call for each other.  Going out and having new experiences helps to deepen your connection and give depth to your relationship.

• 4. You Only Spend Time Together Late at Night: If you're only getting together late at night, more than likely you're in a booty call situation.  Unless there are extenuating circumstances, like you or your partner work unusual hours, only spending late night hours together isn't the basis for a long term relationship.

• 5. You're Not Emotionally Vulnerable With Each Other: To develop a deeper, more emotionally intimate relationship, you need more than just sexual intimacy--you need emotional intimacy.  Opening up with each other emotionally is one way to develop emotional intimacy.  This assumes that both you and your partner have the desire and maturity to do this, and you trust each other enough to be vulnerable (see my article: Emotional Vulnerability as a Pathway to Emotional Intimacy).

• 6. You Only Make Up After Arguments By Having Sex: While "make up sex" is hot and fun, part of developing an emotionally intimate relationship is that arguments and differences are talked about and worked through.  If the two of you only make up by having sex, nothing gets worked through and, as a result, you're going to keep having the same problems and the same arguments over and over again.  To build a deeper connection, the two of you need to be able to talk through your differences and come to a resolution.  

• 7. You Don't Trust Your Partner: Trust is the cornerstone of any committed relationship. While you might not have a commitment to be exclusive with one another when you first start dating, if you're several months or more into the relationship and you can't trust your partner to be monogamous, you're lacking a basic ingredient in your relationship--trust.  Wishing and hoping that your partner will one day be monogamous with you isn't the basis for a long term relationship because no amount of wishing can make it happen.  While it's true that some people change and can make more of a commitment, you have to be honest with yourself about the current status of your relationship. If you think you're with a player and you're constantly checking your partner's phone or looking to see if s/he is still on a dating app to hook up with other people, you're not going to feel good about yourself or the relationship (see my article: Relationships: Oxytocin, Trust and Empathy).

Know What You Want, Be Willing to Say It, and See Your Relationship Clearly For What It Is

Denial can be very powerful, and it's easy to delude yourself when you have a strong wish that clouds your vision as to the true nature of your relationship. 

If you want a casual sexual relationship, it can be a very enjoyable experience for as long as it lasts, and there's nothing wrong with that--as long as you and your partner are on the same page about it.  But if what the two of you want is different, it's important to acknowledge and come to terms with it or end the relationship.

If you've just gotten out of a long term relationship or you're in the initial getting-to-know-you stage of dating someone, you might not know what you want or what you want from the particular person you're dating. But if you're clear about what you want, it's better not to waste time trying to make the relationship into what you want when it's not happening.

Getting Help in Therapy

If you're confused about what you want or you have a pattern of getting into dysfunctional relationships, you could benefit from getting help in therapy.

A skilled therapist can help you to understand and change self destructive patterns.

Rather than struggling alone, seek help from a licensed mental health professional.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Therapy).

I am a sex positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

7 Reasons Why You Might Be Struggling to Get Over a Breakup

Breaking up is hard.  Whether it was a mutual decision to end the relationship or you were the one who ended it, breaking up is a challenge, especially in a long term relationship (see my articles: Overcoming the Heartbreak of a Breakup and Coping With the Stages of a Breakup).

Breakups Are Challenging 

There's no timetable for when people get over a breakup. Healing is an individual process.  It's understandable that you would want the emotional pain of the breakup to end as soon as possible, but emotions don't always respond to what you want or think.

In addition, most people have unrealistic expectations about healing from a breakup.  Part of this problem might be that they're harsh with themselves (see my article: Self Compassion: Loving Yourself Even in the Places Where You Feel Broken).

Another problem is that other people, including friends and family, who have good intentions, also have unrealistic expectations and they might try to push you to "move on" before you've worked through the grief and loss.

7 Challenges After a Breakup
Aside from the heartache which takes time to heal, there can be other issues that make it difficult to get over a breakup:

• Co-Parenting Children Together: 
• If you and your ex have children together, this is a big challenge because you'll need to interact with one another until the children are of age and can go off on their own. 
• There are countless things that need to be worked out when you have children, including: child custody, childcare, child support, housing arrangements, and other co-parenting issues.
• Being able to put aside your differences to focus on your children is paramount, but anger and resentment don't always go away after the breakup, so it takes work to reman primarily focused on the needs of your children (see my articles: Talking to Your Child About Your Divorce and Co-parenting After the Divorce).

• Giving Up the Emotional Ties With Your Ex's Family: 
• Often, the problem isn't just that you're missing your ex--you can also feel strong emotional ties to your ex's family.  
• This makes the loss much bigger.  
• Maintaining emotional ties with your ex's family can be difficult and can keep you feeling stuck in terms of healing from the breakup. Boundaries would need to be negotiated, if it's even possible to do that.

• Maintaining Mutual Friendships: 
• If you and your ex have mutual friends, it can be difficult for you, your ex and your friends to negotiate the boundaries around these friendships.  
• Friends might feel their loyalty is being tested or they might feel that they have to side with either you or your ex.  
• You or your ex might have unrealistic expectations of your mutual friends in terms of sharing information about what's going on with you or your ex after the breakup.
• Your friends might inadvertently tell you things about your ex that are hurtful or they might slip and divulge things you don't want your ex to know.

• Communicating With Your Ex After the Breakup: 
• Assuming for the moment that you and your ex don't have children or other compelling reasons to be in touch, if you're still communicating with your ex, healing from the breakup is going to be that much more difficult.  
• One or both of you might still be holding onto hope that things can be worked out between you.  But if nothing has changed, you're probably going to be facing the same problems that led to the breakup (see my articles: You're Considering Getting Back Together Again, But What Has Changed?).

• Tolerating Loneliness and Redefining the Relationship as "Friends With Benefits:" 
• After a breakup, many people feel lonely (see my article: Overcoming Loneliness).
• Many people would rather go back to a relationship that isn't working out than tolerating loneliness. 
• Some people find being out of a relationship and alone intolerable, so they try to redefine the relationship as being "friends with benefits" and continue to get together with their ex to hook up.  
• In the long run, "friends with benefits" rarely works out for people who are or were in love without confusion and resentment, especially if one person is already dating other people.  The boundary issues get muddied fast.

• Dating Again: 
• After a breakup, some people refuse to start dating again--even after they have healed from the breakup. 
• While there's a reality that dating, especially dating online, can be challenging and discouraging, many people refuse to see other people, even after they've healed.  In those instances, there can be other underlying issues, including unrealistic hopes of rekindling the former relationship or fear of getting hurt again (see my article: Overcoming Your Fear of Getting Hurt Again).

• Ruminating About Your Ex and Looking at Your Ex's Social Media: 
• It's common to think about your ex after a breakup. You can't just turn off your feelings like a faucet.
• It can take a while to heal and there's no one-size-fits-all time or way to do it 
• If you're spending a lot of time looking at pictures of you and your ex together or doing frequent checks to your ex's social media accounts, you're prolonging your emotional pain and not allowing yourself to heal (see my article: You Can't Stop Looking at Your Ex's Social Media Accounts).

Conclusion
Even under the best of circumstances, breakups are difficult.  Aside from the challenges that I've outlined above, there can be other problems, like unresolved earlier trauma.

For instance, a breakup often triggers old unresolved issues which make it even harder to deal with the breakup.  Many people who felt emotionally abandoned as children have an especially difficult time during a breakup because of this triggering (see my articles: Fear of Abandonment and How Past Psychological Trauma Leaves on in the Present).

Getting Help in Therapy
Working through the grief and challenges of a breakup can be difficult to do on your own, especially if you've been feeling stuck for a while.

If you feel stuck and overwhelmed, you could benefit from working with a licensed NYC psychotherapist after a breakup to help you work through unresolved issues so you can heal.

Most therapists are doing online therapy (also known as teletherapy, telemental health and telehealth) during the COVID19 crisis (see my article: The Advantages of Teletherapy When You Can't See Your Therapist in Person).

Asking for help can feel scary at times, but remaining stuck is even harder (see my article: Overcoming Your Fear of Asking For Help).

Taking the first step of contacting a licensed mental health professional could make all the difference between prolonging your grief and getting closure that leads to a more fulfilling life.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Therapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

I am providing online therapy sessions during the COVID19 pandemic.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.