What is Compersion in Consensual Nonmonogamous Relationships?

What is Compersion?

Compersion is wholehearted participation in the happiness of others.  

Compersion is the opposite of jealousy.

It's possible for you to experience compersion in any type of relationship or with any group of people.

Compersion: Wholehearted Participation in the Happiness of Others

Where Did the Word Compersion Come From?

The Sanskrit word called mudita goes back at least 2,500 years. We don't have an exact translation for mudita in English. The closest translation is sympathetic joy.  

The word compersion is a word that was specifically coined for polyamory in a polyamorous community in San Francisco, CA.

How Does Compersion Relate to Consensual Nonmonogamous Relationships

Experiencing compersion in a consensual nonmonogamous relationship means you're genuinely happy for your partner's joy in other romantic or sexual relationships that you have both consented to in advance.

Compersion and Consensual Nonmonogamous Relationships

Those who have developed the ability to feel compersion in their relationships say that compersion occurs when you can let go of your insecurities and projections and work on experiencing compersion.

There are some people who identify themselves as being naturally polyamorous and compersion comes more easily to them.  They usually don't have many of the same challenges that other people have with jealous.

Most other people, who have successfully developed compersion, had to work on it to develop this ability. 

In addition to developing compersion, they had to work on becoming autonomous individuals in their relationship(s).

What Does It Mean to Be An Autonomous Individual in Relationship(s)?

Being an autonomous individual in a relationship means that:

• You have self awareness and you have a strong sense of what you think, feel and want.

• You appreciate your individuality even when you're in a relationship.

• You have your own beliefs and your own path that you're following.

• You're able to express to your partner(s) what you feel.

• You're able to tolerate hearing what your partner feels without falling apart emotionally--even if your partner tells you something you don't want to hear.

• You maintain your social support network, including your close friends and loved ones.

• You maintain and develop your own individual interests and hobbies which are separate from your romantic and sexual relationship(s).

• You're able to self soothe and take care of yourself when things aren't going well for you.

• You appreciate alone time without feeling lonely or isolated.

• You encourage your partner(s) to pursue their own interests and hobbies without you.

How Does Being an Autonomous Individual Relate to Compersion?

Compersion is a radical idea that not everyone can or wants to achieve, especially when it comes to being in a non-traditional relationship, like a consensual nonmonogamous or polyamorous relationship, or engaging in certain forms of kinky sex like threesomes where you and your partner(s) get involved with people outside your relationship(s).

Before you engage in a consensual nonmonogamy or in kinky sex, like threesomes or cuckolding, you need to be honest with yourself and with your partner(s) as to whether these choices are right for you.

Some people just know whether consensual nonmonogamy and kinky sex are right for them and others try it to find out if it's the right choice.

Special Challenges: Unresolved Abandonment Issues and an Anxious Attachment Style

Many people who are anxious, insecure, who have unresolved childhood trauma, including fear of abandonment or an anxious attachment style , have a great deal of difficulty being polyamorous, consensually nonmonogamous or engaging in certain types of kinky sex with others because it's too psychologically triggering for them.

Although more people are trying consensual nonmonogamy, the vast majority of people still want to be in monogamous relationships. So, even if you don't have a history of trauma, you might not want to explore these alternative relationships, and that's okay.  

Are You Considering Opening Up Your Relationship?

Jealousy is a normal emotion, so even if you're actively working on compersion because you and your partner(s) want to open up your relationship or you both want to try certain forms of kinky sex that involve other people, you'll probably experience some jealousy.  It's a matter of degree.

Many people who decide to open up their relationship have worked through issues of jealousy to achieve compersion, so it is possible.

There are also some people who aren't really jealous.  They probably have the easiest time with feeling compersion for their partners because jealousy doesn't get in the way of their feeling happy when their partners experience joy having sexual and romantic feelings for other people.

Working in Sex Therapy to Come Up With An Agreement For a Consensual Nonmonogamous Relationship

Compersion is based on trusting yourself and your partner(s).

Working on a Consensual Nonmonogamous Relationship Agreement

If you're considering a consensual nonmonogamous relationship and you want to build trust with your partner(s), it's important that you and your partner(s) have a written agreement that you negotiate together.  

Most psychotherapists and couples therapists aren't trained to work with unconventional relationships that include compersion.  

Therapists who aren't trained in sex therapy often pathologize alternative relationship choices, including consensual nonmonogamy and kinky sex, which will only confuse you.

Seek help from a licensed psychotherapist who specializes in modern sex therapy (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and modern Sex Therapist.

I am a sex positive therapist who is also a trauma therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Couples Who Want to Remain Monogamous Can Learn a Lot From Polyamorous Principles

There have more open discussions in recent years about the benefits of polyamory and other forms of consensual nonmonogamy. 

Polyamory is having more than one consensual romantic relationship at the same time and, there are many ways to have a consensual nonmonogamous relationship.

Monogamous Couples Can Learn From Polyamorous Principles

Despite there being more discussions about polyamory, it's difficult to know how many people in the United States are in some form of polyamorous or consensual nonmonogamous relationship. 

This is partly due to the stigma that still exists against these types of relationships, and negative stereotypes continue to run high.  So, people in these relationships are often reluctant to talk about reveal the nature of their relationship.  Nevertheless, most relationship experts give an estimate of 4-5% in the US.

Couples Who Want to Remain Monogamous Can Learn From Polyamorous Principles

Despite the increased prevalence of polyamory, it's not for everyone. 

The majority of people in relationships still want to remain monogamous.  But given the high rate of divorce, infidelity and sexual problems in relationships that supposed to be monogamous, many of these couples are realizing there's no one-size-fits-all way to be in a monogamous relationship.

Couples who want to remain monogamous can learn a lot from polyamorous principles without opening their relationship, including:

• Developing Open and Honest Communication Skills: Successful polyamorous relationships are based on good communication in terms of:

• Talking About Sexual Desire: This includes talking about the ebbs and flows of sexual desire, differences in sex drive, what each person likes or dislikes, and so on (see my articles: The Paradox of Love and Sexual Desire in a Committed Relationship and  How to Talk to Your Partner About Sex).

• Negotiating Boundaries: This includes agreeing to boundaries about people outside the relationship, including boundaries with friends, family members, personal schedules, and so on. (see my article: Setting Healthy Boundaries in Your Relationship).

Monogamous Couples Can Learn From Polyamorous Principles

• Changing Attitudes About the Relationship: What people want at the beginning of a relationship can be different from what they want a few years in.  It's important to acknowledge this and not assume you're both on the same page about everything, especially in a long term relationship.  

• Defining the Nature of the Relationship: Related to changing attitudes about the relationship: Two people who are in a long term monogamous relationship can each assume they both have the same perspective about their relationship--only to discover that this isn't the case.  For instance, one person might think that watching porn privately is no big deal while the other person considers it cheating.  This often leads to conflict because it was never discussed.

• Negotiating a Relationship Agreement: Since individual needs can change, in terms of defining the relationship, there are benefits to having a relationship agreement (see my article: The Advantages to Having a Relationship Agreement When You're in a Monogamous Relationship).

• Practicing Safe Sex: Since polyamory means being involved with more than just one person, people in successful polyamorous relationships talk about safe sex practices. In contrast, people who are in monogamous relationships often stop talking about safe sex and assume they no longer need to practice safe sex because their relationship is exclusive. But the high rate of infidelity among people who are supposed to be monogamous often means that people who cheat aren't practicing safe sex and could give their partner a sexually transmitted infection.  This needs to be discussed openly and honestly.

• Coping With Jealousy: Part of a successful polyamorous relationship is negotiating issues around jealousy. This doesn't mean that jealousy doesn't exist in these relationships. It just means that poly people talk about it and work towards a solution.  In contrast, there is a high degree of jealousy in monogamous relationships, and suspicious partners are more likely to check their partner's email and cellphone to see if they're cheating. In some monogamous relationships the jealousy and mistrust is so high that people put trackers on their partner's phone.  Granted--this often comes from discovering that a partner has been cheating, but not always. So, monogamous couples can learn to talk about their jealousy and try to find proactive ways of dealing with it (Overcoming Insecurity and Jealousy That's Ruining Your Relationship).

• Developing a Sense of Independence and Focusing on Personal Growth: Aside from having relationships with other people, people in successful polyamorous relationships allow their partners to have a sense of independence outside their relationship in terms of having their own friends, interests and other areas in their life. They talk to each other about their needs.  They also know that one person can't fulfill all their needs.  In contrast, many people in monogamous relationships end up sacrificing their own needs for their partner. This often leads to resentment and dissatisfaction with the relationship. Being able to talk openly about this issue is important and another area where monogamous individuals can learn from poly people (see my article: Growing as an Individual While You're in a Relationship).

Practical Steps You Can Take in Your Relationship

• Set a Regular Time to Have Open and Honest Communication: With people's busy schedules, it's easy to put relationship issues on the back burner, especially if one or both people tend to avoid it because they have difficulty expressing themselves when it comes to personal issues. Scheduling a regular time, whether it's once a week, bi-weekly or once a month, to have honest communication can help a couple to avoid misunderstandings and resentment.  This isn't a time to talk about work or your children. It's time dedicated to the relationship (see my article: How to Improve Communication in Your Relationship).

Monogamous Couples Can Learn From Polyamorous Principles

• Talk About How to Get Your Needs Met Outside the Relationship: You can't expect your partner to fulfill all your needs.  It's not possible without putting a heavy burden on your partner.  Even if you and your partner have agreed to be sexually and romantically monogamous, neither of you can meet all of the other's needs.  In the past, when extended families lived within close proximity to each other, there was always someone else to talk to, confide in, provide a compassionate ear or share an interest that a partner might not like.  But now with family members spread out all over the country and increasingly busy schedules, family support isn't always readily available. This means that couples are relying on each other much more now than couples ever did in the past. Not only is this stressful--it's not possible for any one person to take all of this on.  So, there needs to be other people, including friends, who take on some of these roles.

• Give Each Other Space to Be Independent People: One of the primary reasons why sexual desire goes out the window in many monogamous relationships is that each person has sacrificed their sense of independence and autonomy and they become emotionally "fused." Talk about how each of you can engage in activities that are separate from each. other.  Instead of doing everything together, find ways you can each develop your own interests. Or if you each already have interests that don't appeal to other partner, talk about how each of you can have space to engage in these activities. Not only will this give you a sense of increased well-being, but you can each bring back something new to each other which will enhance the relationship (see my article: Resist the Urge to Merge).

Conclusion

The vast majority of people, who want to remain monogamous, can learn a lot from people in polyamorous relationships in terms of improving communication, dealing with problems as they arise, recognizing they have different needs and they can't be fulfilled by one person, maintaining a sense of independence, and making room for autonomy and personal growth.

When Should You Seek Help in Therapy?

Many of the issues discussed in this article can be worked out without a mental health professional, but there are times when help is needed, including, but not limited to, when there are issues related to:

• Difficulty With Communicating Personal Needs: Many individuals have difficulty communicating their needs for a variety of reasons.  They might have been raised in a household where communicating personal needs was seen as indulgent or selfish.  Maybe they had hurtful experiences in other relationships where their emotional vulnerability was met with scorn.  Or there could be other reasons.  A skilled psychotherapist can help clients to define personal needs and help people to communicate these needs in a healthy way.

Seeking Help in Therapy For Relationship Issues

• Built Up Resentment: If problems have festered for a long time, it can be hard to broach certain relationship topics because they have become too fraught to discuss calmly.  A skilled psychotherapist can help a couple to move beyond their reactivity and resentments to understand the underlying issues and focus on the negative cycle instead of blaming each other (see my article: Overcoming the Negative Cycle in Your Relationship).

• Problems With Discrepancies in Sexual Desire: It's not unusual for two people to have differences in sexual desire.  One person might want to have sex several times a week and the other might prefer once a month or not at all.  This is one of the most common reasons why couples seek help. A skilled sex therapist can help a couple to overcome this issue (see my articles: Sexual Desire Discrepancy: What to Do If You and Your Partner Have Different Sex Drives? and To Rekindle Passion Fire Needs Air).

• Fear of Change: Many people would rather avoid talking about changes in the relationship because it feels too frightening to them. Their fears might be rooted in unresolved childhood trauma or traumatic experiences from prior relationships. An experienced therapist can help by working with the individual or couple to understand and work through these fears so that the couple no longer avoids discussing issues in the relationship (see my article: Fear of Change).

• Unresolved Issues Related to a History Cheating: Many couples avoid dealing with a history of cheating. Instead, they just agree to "move on" without understanding the underlying issues, which will be different for each individual, or addressing the impact on the relationship in terms of feelings of betrayal and mistrust.  However couples who work through issues in couples therapy develop a stronger relationship (see my article: Coping With Betrayal in a Relationship).

• Denial: Denial is a powerful defense mechanism. People who are fear making changes often convince themselves that "everything will work out" without the couple doing anything to improve things.  Fear gets in the way of discussing difficult issues.  Then, something happens to challenge this assumption--the discovery of an affair, one partner saying they want out of the relationship or some other crisis that shakes their confidence that things will work out on their own.  A skilled couples therapist can help the couple to deal with the crisis and get to the other side where they can finally address issues they have been avoiding.

• Distorted Beliefs About Relationships: People who believe that "love conquers all" or other myths can become disillusioned when they realize that it takes more than love to work out important issues in relationships.  There are many people in relationships who love each other, but they can't work out their problems.  A skilled couples therapist can help a couple to overcome distorted beliefs so they can deal with the problems in their relationship.

Problems that you might have thought were beyond fixing often have solutions.

Rather than avoiding problems in your relationship, seek help from a licensed mental health professional.

Seeking help in therapy sooner rather than later can enable you to work out problems and have a more fulfilling relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples and I have helped many clients to work through relationship problems, including issues related to trauma (see my article:What is a Trauma Therapist?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

What is Solo Polyamory?

In recent articles, I've been discussing ethical nonmonogamy, which can also be called consensual nonmonogamy (see my articles: What is an Ethical Nonmonogamous Relationship? and What is a Unicorn in a Nonmonogamous Relationship?).

These relationships are different from monogamous relationships, relationships which are supposed to be monogamous but where there's cheating, as well as other forms of relationships. 

What is Polyamory?

Before defining solo polyamory, let's define polyamory.

What is Polyamory?

Polyamory is a form of ethical nonmonogamy/consensual nonmonogamy.

Breaking down the word polyamory: Poly is from Greek and it means many.  Amory is Latin and it means love.

It's estimated that 4-5% of relationships in the United States are polyamorous relationships.  

This estimate might be low since many people don't reveal they are in a polyamorous relationship because there's often a stigma about being in non-traditional relationships.  So, there might actually be many more people who are polyamorists.  

Polyamorists are a diverse group:  Many polyamorists identify as either bisexual or pansexual (pansexual means there is no limit in sexual choice with regard to biological sex, gender or gender identity).  However, there are also many heterosexual, gay, lesbian, transexual, nonbinary (nonbinary people don't identify as being a gender that is exclusively male or female) and asexual polyamorists. 

There are also polyamorists who don't believe in any of these labels.

Polyamorists usually have multiple romantic relationships at the same time.  Many people who consider themselves to be "poly," consider it to be their sexual orientation.  

Usually the individuals all know about everyone involved and have given informed consent to be polyamorous where everything is honest and above board.  So, there are usually no casual relationships with individuals who are poly.

The values which are upheld in healthy polyamorous relationships include:

• love
• honesty
• integrity
• equality
• communication
• commitment

Polyamorists usually have rules, including rules about practicing safe sex, time spent together, and so on.

In a healthy polyamorous relationship there is usually ongoing discussions so that everyone involved continues to give informed consent.

There might be jealousy, as there might be in any relationship, so polyamorists try to find a way to work it out through the rules they have established or they might need to renegotiate the rules.  

Many polyamorists say they experience compersion, which is feeling happy that their partners are experiencing pleasure with others.  

What is the Difference Between Polyamory and Swinging?

Individuals who are in polyamorous relationships tend to focus on developing romantic relationships.  Their relationships are usually intentional among all parties involved.

Generally, swingers aren't focused on building romantic relationships.  They don't usually develop emotional or romantic ties with their partners (although there are exceptions--just like anything else).  They often engage in sexual activities at swingers parties, resorts and other events where they swap partners (if they're in a relationship) or they might go as a single person.

To complicate matters a bit: Some polyamorists engage in swingers events and some swingers might also be in polyamorous relationships.  But swinging and polyamory are usually different, as described above.

What is Solo Polyamory?

Solo polyamory is a form of polyamory.

What is Solo Polyamory?

Generally speaking, solo polyamory means:

• Individuals are in multiple relationships, but they lead a single lifestyle.

• They may or may not live with one or more of their partners.

• They may or may not share finances.

• They may or may not have children together.

What is Solo Polyamory?

• Solo polyamorists might describe themselves as being "single-ish," but they're not single in the traditional sense of the word because they are in relationships.

• Individuals might choose to engage in solo polyamory after getting out of a long term serious relationship.

• They might not follow the traditions that people in monogamous relationships follow, which would include celebrating various milestones, like getting engaged, getting married or celebrating anniversaries.  However, this is an individual choice.

What is Solo Polyamory?

• Some individuals have non-romantic/non-sexual polyamorous relationships.

• Some partners might have friendships or relationships with each other.

What is Solo Polyamory?

• Some individuals engage in solo polyamorous relationships for a period of time, and then they might opt to be in a traditional monogamous relationship or some other form of relationship (it depends on the individual and their circumstances).

Common Misconceptions About Solo Polyamorists:

• Fear of Commitment: Solo polyamorists (and polyamorists practicing other forms of polyamory) usually aren't fearful of making a commitment.  Although this might be true in some cases, this isn't the main reason for being polyamorists.  Most people in polyamorous relationships believe it's the best relationship choice for them.

• Cheating: Solo polyamory isn't cheating.  Partners usually know about each other and solo polyamory is a consensual choice between all partners involved.

• Lack of Emotional Intimacy: Most people who are in solo polyamorous relationships would disagree with this.  Most believe they are capable of having a loving, intimate relationship with more than one person.  Also, since good communication is required to maintain healthy polyamorous relationships, polyamorists believe this honest communication actually adds to the emotional intimacy.

Many people believe polyamory is a sexual orientation, it's who they are and it's what works best for them.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I am a sex positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?)

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

What is a Unicorn in a Nonmonogamous Relationship?

Most of us grew up hearing stories about rare mythical creatures called unicorns.  Unicorns originated in Asia around 4,700 years ago and they became popular in Greece about 2,000 years ago.  They symbolize power, peace and magic.  

What is a Unicorn in a Non-Monogamous Relationship?

In Europe, unicorns had the body of a white horse, a beard, the cloven hooves of a goat, the tail of a lion and a long horn protruding from its forehead.  

In olden times, Europeans believed that unicorns actually existed in real life--even though they believed they were very hard to find. They also believed unicorns' horns had magical healing properties that could cure illness, serve as an antidote for poison and prolong youth.  

What is a Unicorn in Non-Monogamous Relationship?

The unicorn is typically a bisexual or sexually fluid woman who joins a heterosexual couple for anything from casual sex to a long term commitment.

Although a unicorn is usually a woman, it's also possible that a unicorn could be a bisexual man, but this isn't as common (see my article: What is an Ethically Non-Monogamous Relationship?).

The unicorn is usually invited into a couple's non-monogamous relationship for sex.  In the most traditional form of this threesome, a unicorn usually isn't considered to be equal to the two people in the relationship, but this also depends on the dynamic agreed to by the three people involved. 

Typically, the couple has already set their own rules about what is permissible before they meet the woman who is willing to be a third party in their relationship. These rules often include an agreement that the unicorn can't have sex with either one of the individuals without the other partner because this could cause jealousy and conflict.

However, each couple comes up with their own rules and it's up to the person in the role of the unicorn to either follow their rules or make her demands known.

Sometimes, the couple is willing to have a unicorn as an equal member, as previously mentioned.  In general, these arrangements are as individual as the individuals involved.

Although it's not certain who coined the term "unicorn," many people believe the term goes back to the counterculture of the 1970s as part of swinger lifestyle where a unicorn was a term used to describe a bisexual woman who was willing to have sex with both people in the relationship.

Similar to the rare mythical creatures in fairy tales, women who are unicorns, who are willing to join a heterosexual couple for sex, are rare and hard to find (hence, the name "unicorn").  Although it's a little easier today on some dating apps using the unicorn emoji as shorthand for those in the know, unicorns are still considered difficult to find.

Aside from a willingness to have sex with the couple, a bisexual woman these days might not be so willing to take a subordinate role and follow the couple's rules.  

Also, it can be hard to find a bisexual woman who is attracted to both the man and the woman in the relationship. Likewise, the man and the woman in the relationship might not both be attracted to the same woman.

Since they are difficult to find, as previously mentioned, it's possible that some couples these days are willing to give unicorns equal power if she is willing and interested in having sex with both people.  

What Does the Term "Unicorn Hunting" Mean?

The term "unicorn hunting" refers to a couple (or usually just the man) who is "hunting" for a bisexual or sexually fluid woman to have sex with the couple.  

In the most traditional sense, as it was practiced in the 1970s (and possibly still among some people today), the term unicorn hunting reeks of misogyny.  

Unicorn hunting has a negative connotation because it implies that the bisexual woman is prey to be hunted down like an animal.

Also, individuals and couples often use unscrupulous methods to find the third party.  They have been known to mislead bisexual women into thinking one of them wants to have sex with her and it only becomes apparent afterwards that she is sought after by both people in the relationship.

Aside from the lack of transparency, the unfairness of this arrangement can also include an imbalance of power by privileged couples who take advantage of their power dynamic with the bisexual woman.

The imbalance of power can include a rule that the unicorn can't have sex with anyone else aside from this couple.  

Couples who are seeking a unicorn often go to lesbian or gay bars, events or clubs seeking a bisexual woman to come home with them.  They often stand out in the crowd, and most people there are aware of what they are seeking.

This is one of the reasons why "unicorn hunters" are often resented by the LGBTQ community when they come to events seeking a bisexual woman for sex.  Aside from the tradition of hunters mischaracterizing what they're looking for, they're often considered exploitive of bisexual women.

However, in recent times there have been more stories of unicorns being treated with the respect and dignity that they deserve.  

I recently listened to a podcast in which a woman, who was in the role of the unicorn, described meeting a couple at a resort and being treated very well by both of them.  

As she described it, she had a lot of autonomy and she had equal power in the relationship. In fact, she was the initiator of sex with them.  

She indicated they were considerate of her and at no time did she feel uncomfortable or like she was in a subordinate role.  Even after they got back home from the resort, they continued to treat her very well.

Also, women who enter into these relationships are now more aware that they don't have to consent to any rules or sexual acts they don't like and they don't have to remain with the couple.

The Potential Psychological Impact of Being a Unicorn

Depending upon the people involved and the circumstances, the impact of taking on the role of a unicorn can be pleasurable, especially if the couple sees the third party as being on an equal footing with them.

It can also be demeaning if the couple belittles the woman and treats her like a subordinate, as previously mentioned.

In addition, if a woman has a personal history of being emotionally neglected, abused or feeling invisible in her family of origin, entering into this type of relationship can be retraumatizing for her.

How is Being a Unicorn Different From Solo Polyamory?

With solo polyamory, individuals usually lead a single, independent lifestyle at the same time they are part of multiple intimate relationships.

More about this in my next article.

Before Entering into the Role of a Unicorn, a Woman Would Be Wise to:

• Know exactly what she's entering into before she takes on the role.

• Meet the couple in a public place (similar to going out on a first date) and get a sense of them.

• Get to know the couple first in a non-sexual way and make sure she feels comfortable with them.

• Believe in her own self worth.

• Be clear and assertive that she expects to be treated as an equal and with respect.

• Consent to only what she wants to do regardless of what the couple wants.

• Understand that the situation can become complicated and degenerate if one or both people in the relationship become suspicious, jealous or angry about her role or if they're having problems in their relationship.  This is especially true because the negative dynamics of triangulation can enter into the situation.  Also, be aware that many couples seek out a third party to try to fix an unstable relationship, which almost never works, and she could be walking into a mess.

• Know that she can walk away from the situation at any time.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I am a sex positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

What is Consensual Nonmonogamy?

The vast majority of people in the United States are in traditional monogamous relationships, which means they are in an exclusive relationship with one other person where they will only be sexual and romantic with each other.  

What is Serial Monogamy?

There are also serial monogamists.  They're usually in one monogamous relationship at a time, but they might take breaks from the relationship to see other people (see my articles: Understanding Serial Monogamists - Part 1 and Part 2).

What is Consensual Nonmonogamy (CNM)?

Consensual nonmonogamy is also known as ethical nonmonogamy (ENM).

In research surveys approximately 1 in 5 people indicate they are (or were in the past) in some form of a nonmonogamous relationship (see my articles: Are You and Your Partner Are on the Same Page About Your Relationship? and Telltale Signs That Indicate You and Your Partner Aren't on the Same Page ).

One blog article can't cover the variety and complexity of all ethical nonmonogamous relationships, so I'll provide resources at the bottom of this article.

What is Consensual Nonmonogamy?

Consensual nonmonogamy comes under the umbrella of open relationships. 

However, at the most basic level, CNM usually means that people are in a consensual non-monogamous relationship where they have worked out an agreement between them about the nature of their nonmonogamy (see my article: The Power of Novelty to Enhance Sexual Desire in a Relationship).

The agreement should be well-thought out, written and formalized by both people.  There are various forms of agreements and some of them are very detailed and elaborate.  

Consensual Nonmonogamy

In their most basic form, they cover what is permitted and what is not permitted as part of the agreement (for a more detailed explanation of these types of ENM agreements, see Dr. Tammy Nelson's book, Open Monogamy: A Guide to Co-Creating Your Ideal Relationship Agreement).

One of the major goals of having a formalized agreement is that both people are honest and open with each other to avoid misunderstandings and emotional pain later on.  

A formal agreement also allows other people, who get involved with one or both people, to know the nature of the relationship they will be entering into and the boundaries.

There are some people who have an informal "Don't ask, don't tell" agreement where they agree that one or both people can see other people, but they won't give each other the details of these other relationships.  However, this type of arrangement can often lead to misunderstandings, suspicion, jealousy and, in some cases, the end of the relationship.

There are also various types of ENM relationships, including romantic and/or sexual, where only one person in the relationship sees other individuals.  

Also, there might be a primary relationship where two people agree that they are primary to each other.  This is considered a hierarchical nonmonogamous relationship.

In a hierarchical nonmonogamous relationship, the people in the primary relationship prioritize their relationship with regard to time spent together, commitment, space and other issues.  This means that anyone else who becomes romantically and/or sexually involved is secondary to the primary couple.

Aside from the hierarchical form of the nonmonogamous relationship, there are many other forms of nonmonogamy, including:

Cheating: 

Cheating is obviously not considered a form of ethical nonmonogamy (see my articles: Coping With Secrets and Lies in Your Relationship).

With modern technology, like the personal computers and cellphones, cheating has become easier and more prevalent than in the past.

Cheating on Your Partner

Cheating is a form of betrayal and, when cheating is discovered, it breaks the trust in a relationship and trust is hard, if not impossible, to reestablish.  

In many cases, people choose to stay in the relationship to try to work things out.  Often this is due to feelings that the partners have an emotional investment in their relationship.  

However, there are times when the person who was betrayed doesn't overcome the pain and never regains the trust, but they feel too insecure or unworthy to leave the relationship or they don't want to be alone. 

Often, with the encouragement of the partner who cheated, the person who was betrayed might blame themselves for their partner's infidelity (if they are in a relationship with a highly narcissistic partner, the partner might manipulate them into believing this).  

They might tell themselves that they're to blame for not having sex with their partner more often or not doing certain sexual acts their partner wants.

In addition, there might be cultural, religious, familial or economic factors that keep a couple together even when the person who was betrayed no longer trusts the cheating partner and doesn't want to be in the relationship anymore.

The data varies, but researchers estimate that a whopping 20-25% of heterosexual married men and 10-15% of married heterosexual women admit to cheating.  

People differ in terms of how they define cheating.

The following list include the activities (along a continuum) that many people consider cheating:

• Viewing pornography alone (without the partner)
• Maintaining a Codependent Relationship With an Ex
  
• Flirting with other people
• Having a close friend or confidante of the opposite sex (for hetero couples)
• Having sexual chemistry with someone else (other than the spouse or partner)
• Having secret sexual fantasies
• Having an emotional affair
• Having a non-consensual sexual affair (or affairs)
• Texting people of the opposite sex with flirty, sexual or romantic content
• Having Secret Social Media Accounts With the Goal of Having an Affair
  
• Having secret phone numbers or email accounts to hide affairs
• Engaging in cyber affairs where a partner is in secret contact with others for romantic or sexual purposes
• Engaging in financial infidelity where a partner has secret bank accounts or spends considerable sums of money without telling the other partner

Cheating Can Also Occur in Ethical Nonmonogamous Relationships

Even though one of the major reasons to be in an ENM relationship is that everything is honest and above board, there are some people who break the agreement with their partner by cheating. 

For example, if the agreement indicates that both partners must mutually agree to the people they get romantically or sexually involved with, they will go outside the agreement to have secret affairs.  For some people, the thrill of secretly cheating on their partner is so enticing that they engage in infidelity despite the agreement.

Polyamory or Polyfidelity

Polyamory is a form of ethical nonmonogamy that allows people to have more than one romantic relationship simultaneously.  

Polyfidelity is similar to polyamory. It specifically allows people to be faithful to a group of two or more people.  The expectation is they won't have relationships outside that group.

Swinging

Generally speaking, swinging involves heterosexual couples getting sexually involved with one or more people.  

Usually, a couple would do this together at a swingers party, club or a swingers resort. They might also have an agreement to do this individually without the other partner.  

Swingers Party

In the early days of swinging, it was called "Wife Swapping," which involved married couples having wife swapping parties in the 1970s and beyond.

Swinging often involves a couple getting sexually involved with another couple.  It might also involve threesomes or other forms of group sex where other people are asked to join the couple in sexual activity (see my article: What is a Unicorn in a Nonmonogamous Relationship?).

In addition, swinging includes heterosexual couples seeking out bisexual or sexually fluid women--although sometimes they seek bisexual men (see my article: The Fetishization of Lesbian and Bisexual Women is a Social Justice Issue).

This might involve what is called "girl-on-girl" sexual activity where the man gets sexually aroused watching his partner having sex with a bisexual woman.  

In another variation, both the man and the woman both get sexually involved with the bisexual woman.

Is an "Agreed Upon" Nonmonogamous Relationship Always Consensual?

Ideally, in ethical nonmonogamy both people have freely agreed and they openly and enthusiastically consent to the agreement.

But sometimes one partner feels pressured into being nonmonogamous and goes along with it because they know it's what their partner wants and they don't want to lose their partner (this is often a woman in a heterosexual relationship, but now always).

The pressure can be explicit where the other partner says they are either non-monogamous or the relationship is over.  

Or, the pressure can be implicit where the partner who wants to be nonmonogamous doesn't say so directly, but they communicate their displeasure in other acting out behavior (i.e., acting sullen, shutting down/giving the "silent treatment," being hostile and so on).

In that case, it wouldn't be considered consensual nonmonogamy because the partner, who is being pressured is just going along with the other partner to please them, and they really don't want it.  

In many relationships, where one partner feels pressured in this way, the relationship collapses under the weight of longstanding resentment by the partner who is just going along with non-monogamy out of fear.

Is Consensual Nonmonogamy Right For You?

Only you can decide if CNM is right for you.  

Depending upon your personal history, it may or may not be right for you.  

For instance, if you have an anxious attachment style with your partner, ENM will, most likely, make you feel insecure and worried about the relationship.  So, you would have to think long and hard before you consented to a ENM relationship agreement.

Some people try it for a period of time and decide whether or not it's right for them.  But, once again, this should be done with a lot of forethought and a mutual agreement.

Consensual Nonmonogamy Won't Fix an Unstable Relationship

Many people open up their relationship because they believe it will help to stabilize an unstable relationship.

These couples usually have misguided ideas about ethical nonmonogamy.  Not only do they confound their own problems, but they also create chaos and confusion for the other people with whom they are getting involved.

Couples in an unstable relationship should work on their relationship first to try to repair it before considering CNM.  

Alternatively, if the problems in their relationship can't be fixed, they might do better separating.

Is There a Risk of Losing Your Partner in Consensual Nonmonogamy?

Most people who are in ENM are ethical and have integrity about their choices.  

However, just as there is a risk in any relationship, people in an CNM relationship could risk losing their partner to someone outside the relationship.  

For example, a couple might have an agreement that their non-monogamous agreement only involves sexual and not emotional ties with others, but emotional ties can still form with others--even if everyone involved has the intention of being true to the agreement.  

Many people in CNM relationships would say that there is more of a risk of losing partner in a monogamous relationship because of the high rate of infidelity.

Also, in most monogamous relationships there is no agreement about the subtleties of monogamy and how they define cheating. 

To give one example mentioned above: Is flirting cheating or is watching porn alone cheating? Some people would say yes and others would say no.  So, when these areas are assumed and not defined, it can be a slippery slope in terms of what is defined as cheating.

Next Articles:

See my articles: 

What is Compersion in Consensual Nonmonogamous Relationships

What is a Unicorn in a Nonmonogamous Relationship?

What is Solo Polyamory?

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a sex positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Resources:

    Books:

• Open Monogamy: A Guide to Co-Creating Your Ideal Relationship Agreement by Dr. Tammy Nelson (as mentioned above)
• Tell Me What You Want by Dr. Justin Lehmiller
• So, Tell Me About the Last Time You Had Sex by Dr. Ian Kerner
• The Ethical Slut: A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships and Other Adventures by Janet Hardy
• Polysecure by Jessica Fern
• Mating in Captivity by Dr. Esther Perel
• The State of Affairs by Dr. Ester Perel