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Showing posts with label sexual fluidity. Show all posts
Showing posts with label sexual fluidity. Show all posts

Sunday, September 18, 2022

What is a Unicorn in a Nonmonogamous Relationship?

Most of us grew up hearing stories about rare mythical creatures called unicorns.  Unicorns originated in Asia around 4,700 years ago and they became popular in Greece about 2,000 years ago.  They symbolize power, peace and magic.  

What is a Unicorn in a Non-Monogamous Relationship?

In Europe, unicorns had the body of a white horse, a beard, the cloven hooves of a goat, the tail of a lion and a long horn protruding from its forehead.  

In olden times, Europeans believed that unicorns actually existed in real life--even though they believed they were very hard to find. They also believed unicorns' horns had magical healing properties that could cure illness, serve as an antidote for poison and prolong youth.  

What is a Unicorn in Non-Monogamous Relationship?
The unicorn is typically a bisexual or sexually fluid woman who joins a heterosexual couple for anything from casual sex to a long term commitment.

Although a unicorn is usually a woman, it's also possible that a unicorn could be a bisexual man, but this isn't as common (see my article: What is an Ethically Non-Monogamous Relationship?).

The unicorn is usually invited into a couple's non-monogamous relationship for sex.  In the most traditional form of this threesome, a unicorn usually isn't considered to be equal to the two people in the relationship, but this also depends on the dynamic agreed to by the three people involved. 

Typically, the couple has already set their own rules about what is permissible before they meet the woman who is willing to be a third party in their relationship. These rules often include an agreement that the unicorn can't have sex with either one of the individuals without the other partner because this could cause jealousy and conflict.

However, each couple comes up with their own rules and it's up to the person in the role of the unicorn to either follow their rules or make her demands known.

Sometimes, the couple is willing to have a unicorn as an equal member, as previously mentioned.  In general, these arrangements are as individual as the individuals involved.

Although it's not certain who coined the term "unicorn," many people believe the term goes back to the counterculture of the 1970s as part of swinger lifestyle where a unicorn was a term used to describe a bisexual woman who was willing to have sex with both people in the relationship.

Similar to the rare mythical creatures in fairy tales, women who are unicorns, who are willing to join a heterosexual couple for sex, are rare and hard to find (hence, the name "unicorn").  Although it's a little easier today on some dating apps using the unicorn emoji as shorthand for those in the know, unicorns are still considered difficult to find.

Aside from a willingness to have sex with the couple, a bisexual woman these days might not be so willing to take a subordinate role and follow the couple's rules.  

Also, it can be hard to find a bisexual woman who is attracted to both the man and the woman in the relationship. Likewise, the man and the woman in the relationship might not both be attracted to the same woman.

Since they are difficult to find, as previously mentioned, it's possible that some couples these days are willing to give unicorns equal power if she is willing and interested in having sex with both people.  

What Does the Term "Unicorn Hunting" Mean?
The term "unicorn hunting" refers to a couple (or usually just the man) who is "hunting" for a bisexual or sexually fluid woman to have sex with the couple.  

In the most traditional sense, as it was practiced in the 1970s (and possibly still among some people today), the term unicorn hunting reeks of misogyny.  

Unicorn hunting has a negative connotation because it implies that the bisexual woman is prey to be hunted down like an animal.

Also, individuals and couples often use unscrupulous methods to find the third party.  They have been known to mislead bisexual women into thinking one of them wants to have sex with her and it only becomes apparent afterwards that she is sought after by both people in the relationship.

Aside from the lack of transparency, the unfairness of this arrangement can also include an imbalance of power by privileged couples who take advantage of their power dynamic with the bisexual woman.

The imbalance of power can include a rule that the unicorn can't have sex with anyone else aside from this couple.  

Couples who are seeking a unicorn often go to lesbian or gay bars, events or clubs seeking a bisexual woman to come home with them.  They often stand out in the crowd, and most people there are aware of what they are seeking.

This is one of the reasons why "unicorn hunters" are often resented by the LGBTQ community when they come to events seeking a bisexual woman for sex.  Aside from the tradition of hunters mischaracterizing what they're looking for, they're often considered exploitive of bisexual women.

However, in recent times there have been more stories of unicorns being treated with the respect and dignity that they deserve.  

I recently listened to a podcast in which a woman, who was in the role of the unicorn, described meeting a couple at a resort and being treated very well by both of them.  

As she described it, she had a lot of autonomy and she had equal power in the relationship. In fact, she was the initiator of sex with them.  

She indicated they were considerate of her and at no time did she feel uncomfortable or like she was in a subordinate role.  Even after they got back home from the resort, they continued to treat her very well.

Also, women who enter into these relationships are now more aware that they don't have to consent to any rules or sexual acts they don't like and they don't have to remain with the couple.

The Potential Psychological Impact of Being a Unicorn
Depending upon the people involved and the circumstances, the impact of taking on the role of a unicorn can be pleasurable, especially if the couple sees the third party as being on an equal footing with them.

It can also be demeaning if the couple belittles the woman and treats her like a subordinate, as previously mentioned.

In addition, if a woman has a personal history of being emotionally neglected, abused or feeling invisible in her family of origin, entering into this type of relationship can be retraumatizing for her.

How is Being a Unicorn Different From Solo Polyamory?
With solo polyamory, individuals usually lead a single, independent lifestyle at the same time they are part of multiple intimate relationships.

More about this in my next article.

Before Entering into the Role of a Unicorn, a Woman Would Be Wise to:
  • Know exactly what she's entering into before she takes on the role.
  • Meet the couple in a public place (similar to going out on a first date) and get a sense of them.
  • Get to know the couple first in a non-sexual way and make sure she feels comfortable with them.
  • Believe in her own self worth.
  • Be clear and assertive that she expects to be treated as an equal and with respect.
  • Consent to only what she wants to do regardless of what the couple wants.
  • Understand that the situation can become complicated and degenerate if one or both people in the relationship become suspicious, jealous or angry about her role or if they're having problems in their relationship.  This is especially true because the negative dynamics of triangulation can enter into the situation.  Also, be aware that many couples seek out a third party to try to fix an unstable relationship, which almost never works, and she could be walking into a mess.
  • Know that she can walk away from the situation at any time.

About Me
I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I am a sex positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.
























Thursday, August 5, 2021

Women and Sexual Fluidity: A Clinical Vignette

In my previous article, Women and Sexual Fluidity, I began a discussion about sexual fluidity.  The article is primarily based on the work of Dr. Lisa M. Diamond, a sex educator and researcher, which states that cis-gender women are more likely to be sexually fluid than cis-gender men.  This doesn't mean that cis-gender men can't experience sexual fluidity (for the rest of the article, it's understood that whenever I refer to women or men, I'm referring to cis-gender individuals).

Women and Sexual Fluidity

In her book, Sexual Fluidity: Understanding Women's Love and Desire, Dr. Lisa M. Diamond tracked 100 women over a period of more than 10 years and she discovered that some women's love and sexual preferences are fluid over time and in different situations.

According to Dr. Diamond, these changes in love and desire can occur in women at different stages of their life and in different environments. In other words, for women who experience sexual fluidity, their love and sexual preferences are not exclusively heterosexual or homosexual.  

Although sexual orientation is unchanging for the vast majority of people, some women change their sexual orientation identity over time based on what's happening in their life at that time and their social circumstances.  This is a common and normal occurrence.

Clinical Vignette: Women and Sexual Fluidity
The following clinical vignette, which is based on a composite of many different cases with no identifying information, illustrates the concept of sexual fluidity in women:

Jane
Although Jane identified herself as exclusively heterosexual and only dated men throughout high school, when she went away to college, over time, she realized she was also emotionally and sexually attracted to women.

Her realization began as she got involved with political groups at her college and she met bisexual and lesbian women.  To her knowledge, this was the first time she had ever interacted with lesbian and bisexual women.  None of the women in her high school had ever outwardly identified as being anything other than heterosexual.  However, she realized that there might have been women in high school who weren't "out" to other students and, possibly, to themselves.

At first, when Jane began dating Nancy, who identified herself as a lesbian, Jane thought she was only interested in Nancy and not other lesbians or bisexual women.  She continued to think of herself as being heterosexual and that her attraction for Nancy was "an exception."  But as time went on and she discovered she was attracted to other women and less attracted to men, Jane realized that her attraction was not only for Nancy.  

At first, Jane was confused because she had never experienced these feelings before, so she attended sessions at the college counseling center.  She told her counselor that, unlike some of the lesbians she met at college, who said they always knew they were lesbians, she had never experienced these kinds of feelings before. That's when her counselor explained sexual fluidity to Jane. 

Knowing that she wasn't the only one who experienced these feelings was very helpful to Jane.  Gradually, she accepted that she preferred women at this stage of her life without denying that she had only ever been interested in men before.

In her sophomore year of college, Jane entered into a committed relationship with Ann, who, similar to Jane, discovered in college that she preferred women.  They were both involved in political groups at the college. They also attended bisexual and lesbian support groups, which they found affirming.

Over time, Jane identified herself as a lesbian.  She felt that her emotional and sexual commitment to women was of the utmost importance in her life.

In their senior year of college, Jane and Ann were each offered job opportunities in different states.  Ann was offered a teaching job in New York, and Jane was offered a community organizing job in rural Alabama.  They both agreed that these opportunities were too good to turn down, so they agreed to having a long distance relationship (see my article: Can a Long Distance Relationship Survive?).

Over the next year, they took turns visiting each other, but the demands of their stressful jobs and the challenges of a long distance relationship became burdensome.

Reluctantly, they agreed that it would be better not to be exclusive.  Soon after that, Ann met another woman, Betty, through her work in New York City and she told Jane that she wanted to be in a committed relationship with Betty.  Although it was hard for Jane, she wanted Ann to be happy, so she accepted that their relationship was over.

Adding to her unhappiness, Jane felt lonely in the rural part of Alabama where she was living and working.  She liked her colleagues and they often got together socially, but she missed having a lesbian and bisexual community for support.  She especially missed dating women.  With regard to lesbians, she had only met one woman, Alice, who identified herself as a lesbian, and Alice was in a committed relationship.

During her second year in Alabama, Jane met John at a community organizing meeting.  At first, they only met for coffee to discuss their work.  But as they continued to meet, Jane realized she was attracted to John and she sensed he was attracted to her too.  Soon they were meeting more often, having dinner together and going to the movies.

One night they talked about their mutual attraction for each other over dinner.  Although Jane admitted to John that she felt a strong attraction to him, she also told him that she continued to think of herself as a lesbian and her primary commitment was to women.  In response, John said he didn't have a problem with this if she didn't, and they became romantically and sexually involved.

A year later, Jane and John moved in together.  Although they were in a committed monogamous relationship and she didn't want to see anyone else, Jane realized that she was also attracted to other men, and she thought about her sessions with her college counselor where they talked about sexual fluidity.  

Jane began to think that she might be equally attracted to men and women at this stage in her life--although there were no other lesbians she knew of other than Alice, who had little time to get together with Jane.

Three years into their relationship, Jane and John were drifting apart.  They still cared deeply for each other, but they both agreed that their romantic and sexual relationship had run its course and they were living like roommates.  

At around the same time, Jane was offered a managerial position at a community organization in New York City and both she and John agreed the opportunity was too good to pass up.  So, Jane moved to New York City for her new job, and she also discovered lesbian and bisexual political and support groups in the area.

After her time in rural Alabama where there were no such groups, Jane loved the opportunity to get involved with women's groups again.  She also liked that she had more opportunities to meet other women to socialize with and date.  Occasionally, she dated men, but she knew she preferred women.

Conclusion
For some people sexual orientation identity and sexual responsiveness are not rigid or continuous throughout their life.  They can experience change or fluidity over time depending upon their life stage or the particular circumstances of their life.

Sexual fluidity does not inherently imply any negative emotional or mental health issues.  It's normal and common among many people, especially women, as a way they experience their sexuality over the course of their lifetime.

The experience of sexual fluidity in no way implies a need for conversion therapy, which is a harmful and dangerous form of therapy where unethical practitioners attempt to convert people to heterosexuality.

If you are interested in finding out more about sexual fluidity, I highly recommend that you read Dr. Lisa M. Diamond's book, Sexual Fluidity: Understanding Women's Love and Desire (see the link at the beginning of this article).

Getting Help in Therapy
Everyone needs help at some point in their life.  

If you have been struggling with unresolved problems, you're not alone.  Help is available to you.

Working with a licensed mental health professional can help you to overcome the obstacles that are getting in the way of living a meaningful life.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

















Wednesday, August 4, 2021

Women and Sexual Fluidity

Sex researchers have found that sexual responsiveness can change over time, and they identify this concept as sexual fluidity.  While sexual fluidity can apply to both men and women, it's more common in women.  

Women and Sexual Fluidity


For instance, the Binghamton Human Sexualities Lab in New York has been studying sexual behavior for almost 10 years, and their research reveals that between 2011 and 2019 college age women have been moving away from defining themselves as exclusively heterosexual.  

Whereas 77% of women identified themselves as being only attracted to men in 2011, that number declined in 2019 to 65%.  

At the same time, men's sexual attraction to women remained about the same during that same time period (between 85-90%).

What is Sexual Fluidity?
Dr. Lisa M. Diamond, sex educator and author of the book, Sexual Fluidity: Understanding Women's Love and Desire, defines sexual fluidity as the capacity for situation-dependent flexibility in sexual responsiveness.  This flexibility allows individuals to experience changes in same-sex or other-sex desire across long term and short term time periods.

According to WebMD, sexual fluidity involves multiple aspects of sexuality:
  • Sexual Orientation: The pattern of your sexual attraction and preference
  • Sexual Identity: How you define yourself with regard to your orientation
  • Sexual Behavior: The sexual activity that you engage in 
When any of the abovementioned aspects change over time, you can consider yourself as being sexually fluid.

At one time, the main categories for sexuality were either gay or heterosexual.  However, sex experts in the field now recognize many other categories, including (but not limited to):
  • Heterosexual: Attractions to people of the opposite sex
  • Bisexual: Attractions to both men and women
  • Gay or Lesbian: Attractions to the same sex
  • Pansexual: Attractions to people of all gender identities
  • Demisexual: Attractions are based on already having established a strong emotional bond
  • Asexual: An umbrella category that encompasses a broad spectrum of sexual orientations (some people experience no sexual or romantic attractions and others might experience varying degrees of attraction to people).

Sexual Preferences on a Spectrum:
Most sex experts agree that sexuality exists on a spectrum.

The Kinsey Scale, originally published in 1948, suggested that many people don't fit neatly into either heterosexual or homosexual categories.
The scale has six ratings with an additional category:
  • 0: Exclusively heterosexual
  • 1: Predominantly heterosexual, only incidentally homosexual
  • 2: Predominantly heterosexual but more than incidentally homosexual
  • 3: Equally heterosexual and homosexual/bisexual
  • 4: Predominantly homosexual but more than incidentally heterosexual
  • 5: Predominantly homosexual, only incidentally heterosexual
  • 6: Exclusively homosexual
  • x: No socio-sexual contacts or reactions
The concept that sexual orientation does not fall neatly into heterosexual or homosexual was groundbreaking at the time.  However, many current experts in the field also recognize that the Kinsey scale doesn't address all the possible sexual orientations and identities. 
This article is meant to be an introduction to this topic.
I'll continue to explore this important topic in my next article: Women and Sexual Fluidity: A Clinical Vignette.
Getting Help in TherapySeeking help in therapy doesn't mean that you're weak.  It just means that you're human and everyone needs help at some point.  
If you have been unable to resolve problems on your own, you could benefit from seeking help from a licensed mental health professional.  
About Me:  I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.
I work with individual adults and couples.
To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.
To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 or email me.