The Fetishization of Lesbians and Bisexual Women is a Social Justice Issue

Fetishization is defined as the act of making someone an object of sexual desire based on some aspect of their identity.  With regard to lesbians and bisexual women in particular, fetishization means objectifying these women and seeing them as existing soley for the sexual pleasure of heterosexual men.  

The Fetishization of Lesbians and Bisexual Women is a Social Justice Issue

Mainstream Pornography Distorts Lesbian and Bisexual Relationships

With fetishization, there is no regard for actual lesbian and bisexual relationships with women--actual relationships as opposed to the distortions portrayed in mainstream pornography where these relationships exist only for the male gaze (see my article:  What is the Difference Between Ethical Pornography and Mainstream Porn?).

Acceptance or Fetishization of Lesbians and Bisexual Women?

Although many believe there is greater acceptance for lesbians and bisexual women these days, it's important to distinguish acceptance from fetishization.  

Instead of being accepted, these women are often objectified and viewed as being on display for the sexual enjoyment of heterosexual men. 

Acceptance or Fetishization of Lesbians and Bisexual Women?

Lesbians, in particular, are often seen as a sexual challenge by many men. These men fantasize about "converting" these women into heterosexuals.  

Alternatively, many men would like to believe that lesbians would find them so irresistible that they would make an "exception" to have sex with them. These men want to believe they would be special, above all other men, in the eyes of a lesbian.

In these instances, it's all about male sexual conquest or "scoring" with lesbians.  

Related to this is the distorted perception that if these women were to experience "a real dick," they would have a sexual awakening and convert to heterosexuality.

Bisexual Women as "Unicorns" to Be Sought Out by "Unicorn Hunters"

There is a particular type of fetishization of bisexual women among men who seek out bisexual women for threesomes.  

The term "unicorn" implies that bisexual women, who participate in these threesomes (female-male-female or FMF), are hard to find, and the men who try to find them are referred to as "unicorn hunters."

There is nothing wrong with bisexual women who willingly consent to be part of a threesome with a heterosexual couple.  There is no harm if no one is being manipulated or exploited among consenting adults.

The problem comes in when heterosexual men see all bisexual women as existing only for their sexual pleasure or when bisexual women are pressured into threesomes or denigrated for not participating in threesomes.  

Similarly, some men seek out bisexual women for their "bi-curious" girlfriend so these men can gawk at their girlfriend having sex with a woman.  

Once again, if everyone is enthusiastically consenting to these sexual activities and no one is being abused, there isn't a problem among consenting adults. 

The problem comes in when all bisexual women are viewed as existing only for this purpose and they're not seen as existing in their own right.

Some bisexual women are tricked, manipulated or misled into engaging in these sexual activities by the "unicorn hunter."  

Sometimes these men lead bisexual women to believe that sex will only be between the two of them (the man and the bisexual woman) but it's really a setup to get her to be part of a threesome.  

Even worse: When men use alcohol or drugs to sexually manipulate, abuse and exploit women.

Once again, to clarify: Manipulating bisexual women into threesomes is very different from being a consensual member of a polyamorous triad or throuple, which are relationships among three consenting adults (more about this in a future article).

The Objectification of Lesbians and Bisexual Women is a Social Justice Issue

Objectification means treating someone like an object who is devoid of their own subjectivity with regard to their thoughts, feelings and behavior.  This is a social justice issue for everyone.

Objectification of any woman means reducing her to an object or body part who exists for the sexual gratification of heterosexual men.  

Similarly, when lesbians and bisexual women are seen as hypersexualized beings, this perpetuates a dangerous stereotype.  This form of dehumanization can, and often does, lead to violence against women.  

The Need For a Major Overhaul of the Sex Education System in the US

There is an urgent need for a major overhaul of the sex education system in the United States.  

Where sex education exists at all the emphasis is usually on prevention of sexually transmitted disease and pregnancy.  

There is little to no education about sexual pleasure which is an important part of sex between consenting adults.

Similarly, there is little to no education about the harmful effects of objectifying women in mainstream pornography and other media.  This is an important issue because this is how many teens and young adults get information and form their views of sex in the absence of comprehensive sex education.

Abstinence-based sex education advises teens and young adults to wait until they're married to have sex.  However, with no guidance from sex education, how are these adults supposed to take the leap from thinking sex is wrong or sinful to having a healthy sexual relationship when they get married?  There needs to be comprehensive sex education to fill this void.

Raising Awareness of the Fetishization of Lesbians and Bisexual Women

Although more people--both women and men--are speaking out against the objectification of lesbians and bisexual women, their attempts are a mere drop in the ocean compared to the pervasive negative stereotypes in mainstream porn and other media.

Raising awareness starts with each individual reflecting on their own personal views and choices with regard to women--whether these women are their partners, sisters, nieces, granddaughters or strangers to them.  

In doing so, they can learn to respect women and also respect themselves.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I am a sex positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?)

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

What is a Unicorn in a Nonmonogamous Relationship?

Most of us grew up hearing stories about rare mythical creatures called unicorns.  Unicorns originated in Asia around 4,700 years ago and they became popular in Greece about 2,000 years ago.  They symbolize power, peace and magic.  

What is a Unicorn in a Non-Monogamous Relationship?

In Europe, unicorns had the body of a white horse, a beard, the cloven hooves of a goat, the tail of a lion and a long horn protruding from its forehead.  

In olden times, Europeans believed that unicorns actually existed in real life--even though they believed they were very hard to find. They also believed unicorns' horns had magical healing properties that could cure illness, serve as an antidote for poison and prolong youth.  

What is a Unicorn in Non-Monogamous Relationship?

The unicorn is typically a bisexual or sexually fluid woman who joins a heterosexual couple for anything from casual sex to a long term commitment.

Although a unicorn is usually a woman, it's also possible that a unicorn could be a bisexual man, but this isn't as common (see my article: What is an Ethically Non-Monogamous Relationship?).

The unicorn is usually invited into a couple's non-monogamous relationship for sex.  In the most traditional form of this threesome, a unicorn usually isn't considered to be equal to the two people in the relationship, but this also depends on the dynamic agreed to by the three people involved. 

Typically, the couple has already set their own rules about what is permissible before they meet the woman who is willing to be a third party in their relationship. These rules often include an agreement that the unicorn can't have sex with either one of the individuals without the other partner because this could cause jealousy and conflict.

However, each couple comes up with their own rules and it's up to the person in the role of the unicorn to either follow their rules or make her demands known.

Sometimes, the couple is willing to have a unicorn as an equal member, as previously mentioned.  In general, these arrangements are as individual as the individuals involved.

Although it's not certain who coined the term "unicorn," many people believe the term goes back to the counterculture of the 1970s as part of swinger lifestyle where a unicorn was a term used to describe a bisexual woman who was willing to have sex with both people in the relationship.

Similar to the rare mythical creatures in fairy tales, women who are unicorns, who are willing to join a heterosexual couple for sex, are rare and hard to find (hence, the name "unicorn").  Although it's a little easier today on some dating apps using the unicorn emoji as shorthand for those in the know, unicorns are still considered difficult to find.

Aside from a willingness to have sex with the couple, a bisexual woman these days might not be so willing to take a subordinate role and follow the couple's rules.  

Also, it can be hard to find a bisexual woman who is attracted to both the man and the woman in the relationship. Likewise, the man and the woman in the relationship might not both be attracted to the same woman.

Since they are difficult to find, as previously mentioned, it's possible that some couples these days are willing to give unicorns equal power if she is willing and interested in having sex with both people.  

What Does the Term "Unicorn Hunting" Mean?

The term "unicorn hunting" refers to a couple (or usually just the man) who is "hunting" for a bisexual or sexually fluid woman to have sex with the couple.  

In the most traditional sense, as it was practiced in the 1970s (and possibly still among some people today), the term unicorn hunting reeks of misogyny.  

Unicorn hunting has a negative connotation because it implies that the bisexual woman is prey to be hunted down like an animal.

Also, individuals and couples often use unscrupulous methods to find the third party.  They have been known to mislead bisexual women into thinking one of them wants to have sex with her and it only becomes apparent afterwards that she is sought after by both people in the relationship.

Aside from the lack of transparency, the unfairness of this arrangement can also include an imbalance of power by privileged couples who take advantage of their power dynamic with the bisexual woman.

The imbalance of power can include a rule that the unicorn can't have sex with anyone else aside from this couple.  

Couples who are seeking a unicorn often go to lesbian or gay bars, events or clubs seeking a bisexual woman to come home with them.  They often stand out in the crowd, and most people there are aware of what they are seeking.

This is one of the reasons why "unicorn hunters" are often resented by the LGBTQ community when they come to events seeking a bisexual woman for sex.  Aside from the tradition of hunters mischaracterizing what they're looking for, they're often considered exploitive of bisexual women.

However, in recent times there have been more stories of unicorns being treated with the respect and dignity that they deserve.  

I recently listened to a podcast in which a woman, who was in the role of the unicorn, described meeting a couple at a resort and being treated very well by both of them.  

As she described it, she had a lot of autonomy and she had equal power in the relationship. In fact, she was the initiator of sex with them.  

She indicated they were considerate of her and at no time did she feel uncomfortable or like she was in a subordinate role.  Even after they got back home from the resort, they continued to treat her very well.

Also, women who enter into these relationships are now more aware that they don't have to consent to any rules or sexual acts they don't like and they don't have to remain with the couple.

The Potential Psychological Impact of Being a Unicorn

Depending upon the people involved and the circumstances, the impact of taking on the role of a unicorn can be pleasurable, especially if the couple sees the third party as being on an equal footing with them.

It can also be demeaning if the couple belittles the woman and treats her like a subordinate, as previously mentioned.

In addition, if a woman has a personal history of being emotionally neglected, abused or feeling invisible in her family of origin, entering into this type of relationship can be retraumatizing for her.

How is Being a Unicorn Different From Solo Polyamory?

With solo polyamory, individuals usually lead a single, independent lifestyle at the same time they are part of multiple intimate relationships.

More about this in my next article.

Before Entering into the Role of a Unicorn, a Woman Would Be Wise to:

• Know exactly what she's entering into before she takes on the role.

• Meet the couple in a public place (similar to going out on a first date) and get a sense of them.

• Get to know the couple first in a non-sexual way and make sure she feels comfortable with them.

• Believe in her own self worth.

• Be clear and assertive that she expects to be treated as an equal and with respect.

• Consent to only what she wants to do regardless of what the couple wants.

• Understand that the situation can become complicated and degenerate if one or both people in the relationship become suspicious, jealous or angry about her role or if they're having problems in their relationship.  This is especially true because the negative dynamics of triangulation can enter into the situation.  Also, be aware that many couples seek out a third party to try to fix an unstable relationship, which almost never works, and she could be walking into a mess.

• Know that she can walk away from the situation at any time.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I am a sex positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Women and Sexual Fluidity: A Clinical Vignette

In my previous article, Women and Sexual Fluidity, I began a discussion about sexual fluidity.  The article is primarily based on the work of Dr. Lisa M. Diamond, a sex educator and researcher, which states that cis-gender women are more likely to be sexually fluid than cis-gender men.  This doesn't mean that cis-gender men can't experience sexual fluidity (for the rest of the article, it's understood that whenever I refer to women or men, I'm referring to cis-gender individuals).

Women and Sexual Fluidity

In her book, Sexual Fluidity: Understanding Women's Love and Desire, Dr. Lisa M. Diamond tracked 100 women over a period of more than 10 years and she discovered that some women's love and sexual preferences are fluid over time and in different situations.

According to Dr. Diamond, these changes in love and desire can occur in women at different stages of their life and in different environments. In other words, for women who experience sexual fluidity, their love and sexual preferences are not exclusively heterosexual or homosexual.  

Although sexual orientation is unchanging for the vast majority of people, some women change their sexual orientation identity over time based on what's happening in their life at that time and their social circumstances.  This is a common and normal occurrence.

Clinical Vignette: Women and Sexual Fluidity

The following clinical vignette, which is based on a composite of many different cases with no identifying information, illustrates the concept of sexual fluidity in women:

Jane

Although Jane identified herself as exclusively heterosexual and only dated men throughout high school, when she went away to college, over time, she realized she was also emotionally and sexually attracted to women.

Her realization began as she got involved with political groups at her college and she met bisexual and lesbian women.  To her knowledge, this was the first time she had ever interacted with lesbian and bisexual women.  None of the women in her high school had ever outwardly identified as being anything other than heterosexual.  However, she realized that there might have been women in high school who weren't "out" to other students and, possibly, to themselves.

At first, when Jane began dating Nancy, who identified herself as a lesbian, Jane thought she was only interested in Nancy and not other lesbians or bisexual women.  She continued to think of herself as being heterosexual and that her attraction for Nancy was "an exception."  But as time went on and she discovered she was attracted to other women and less attracted to men, Jane realized that her attraction was not only for Nancy.  

At first, Jane was confused because she had never experienced these feelings before, so she attended sessions at the college counseling center.  She told her counselor that, unlike some of the lesbians she met at college, who said they always knew they were lesbians, she had never experienced these kinds of feelings before. That's when her counselor explained sexual fluidity to Jane. 

Knowing that she wasn't the only one who experienced these feelings was very helpful to Jane.  Gradually, she accepted that she preferred women at this stage of her life without denying that she had only ever been interested in men before.

In her sophomore year of college, Jane entered into a committed relationship with Ann, who, similar to Jane, discovered in college that she preferred women.  They were both involved in political groups at the college. They also attended bisexual and lesbian support groups, which they found affirming.

Over time, Jane identified herself as a lesbian.  She felt that her emotional and sexual commitment to women was of the utmost importance in her life.

In their senior year of college, Jane and Ann were each offered job opportunities in different states.  Ann was offered a teaching job in New York, and Jane was offered a community organizing job in rural Alabama.  They both agreed that these opportunities were too good to turn down, so they agreed to having a long distance relationship (see my article: Can a Long Distance Relationship Survive?).

Over the next year, they took turns visiting each other, but the demands of their stressful jobs and the challenges of a long distance relationship became burdensome.

Reluctantly, they agreed that it would be better not to be exclusive.  Soon after that, Ann met another woman, Betty, through her work in New York City and she told Jane that she wanted to be in a committed relationship with Betty.  Although it was hard for Jane, she wanted Ann to be happy, so she accepted that their relationship was over.

Adding to her unhappiness, Jane felt lonely in the rural part of Alabama where she was living and working.  She liked her colleagues and they often got together socially, but she missed having a lesbian and bisexual community for support.  She especially missed dating women.  With regard to lesbians, she had only met one woman, Alice, who identified herself as a lesbian, and Alice was in a committed relationship.

During her second year in Alabama, Jane met John at a community organizing meeting.  At first, they only met for coffee to discuss their work.  But as they continued to meet, Jane realized she was attracted to John and she sensed he was attracted to her too.  Soon they were meeting more often, having dinner together and going to the movies.

One night they talked about their mutual attraction for each other over dinner.  Although Jane admitted to John that she felt a strong attraction to him, she also told him that she continued to think of herself as a lesbian and her primary commitment was to women.  In response, John said he didn't have a problem with this if she didn't, and they became romantically and sexually involved.

A year later, Jane and John moved in together.  Although they were in a committed monogamous relationship and she didn't want to see anyone else, Jane realized that she was also attracted to other men, and she thought about her sessions with her college counselor where they talked about sexual fluidity.  

Jane began to think that she might be equally attracted to men and women at this stage in her life--although there were no other lesbians she knew of other than Alice, who had little time to get together with Jane.

Three years into their relationship, Jane and John were drifting apart.  They still cared deeply for each other, but they both agreed that their romantic and sexual relationship had run its course and they were living like roommates.  

At around the same time, Jane was offered a managerial position at a community organization in New York City and both she and John agreed the opportunity was too good to pass up.  So, Jane moved to New York City for her new job, and she also discovered lesbian and bisexual political and support groups in the area.

After her time in rural Alabama where there were no such groups, Jane loved the opportunity to get involved with women's groups again.  She also liked that she had more opportunities to meet other women to socialize with and date.  Occasionally, she dated men, but she knew she preferred women.

Conclusion

For some people sexual orientation identity and sexual responsiveness are not rigid or continuous throughout their life.  They can experience change or fluidity over time depending upon their life stage or the particular circumstances of their life.

Sexual fluidity does not inherently imply any negative emotional or mental health issues.  It's normal and common among many people, especially women, as a way they experience their sexuality over the course of their lifetime.

The experience of sexual fluidity in no way implies a need for conversion therapy, which is a harmful and dangerous form of therapy where unethical practitioners attempt to convert people to heterosexuality.

If you are interested in finding out more about sexual fluidity, I highly recommend that you read Dr. Lisa M. Diamond's book, Sexual Fluidity: Understanding Women's Love and Desire (see the link at the beginning of this article).

Getting Help in Therapy

Everyone needs help at some point in their life.  

If you have been struggling with unresolved problems, you're not alone.  Help is available to you.

Working with a licensed mental health professional can help you to overcome the obstacles that are getting in the way of living a meaningful life.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.