How Mindfulness and Self Compassion Can Help With Body Acceptance

I began a discussion about the challenges of having a negative body image in a prior article (see my article: Is a Negative Body Image Ruining Your Sex Life?). 

In the current article I'm focusing on how mindfulness and self compassion can help with body acceptance.

Mindfulness and Self Compassion Help With Body Acceptance

How Western Culture Perpetuates Women's Body Shame

Women are bombarded with messages on social media, TV, the movies and magazines about how their bodies should look.  

When women feel their bodies don't conform to these images, they feel ashamed of their bodies. This also affects sense of self worth and how they interact in relationships. 

Helpful Tips:

The following tips can be helpful in the process of going from a negative body image to body acceptance:

• Stop Comparing Yourself to Other Women Who Have "Perfect" Bodies: Obviously, there's no such thing as a "perfect" body.  But you might have an ideal image you're comparing yourself to when you look at other people.  Instead of comparing your body to the bodies you see at the gym, on social media or in other places, find aspects of your body that you like.  Western culture gives subtle and not so subtle messages that women should compare themselves unfavorably to other women.  This is a form of misogynistic manipulation that keeps women competing instead of supporting each other.

• Become Aware of Who Cashes In ($$$) On Your Negative Body Image: Fatphobia,  the stigmatization of weight gain and the idealization of thinness keep women feeling insecure about their bodies and makes them easy marketing targets in a capitalistic society. Ask yourself who benefits from your negative beliefs about your body.  There are plenty of industries, including the fitness and diet industries, that cash in on women feeling ashamed of their bodies. They often foster unrealistic expectations to keep women feeling insecure and willing to buy their products and services in an effort to have the "ideal body."

• Become Aware of the Intergenerational Impact of a Negative Body Image:  The messages about body image are so pervasive that it's difficult not to internalize them. Once you have accepted these negative messages that your body should look a certain way, these beliefs perpetuate themselves and become an intergenerational problem where mothers can unconsciously pass them on to their daughters. As a result, that the trauma continues from one generation to the next. Make a commitment to let is stop with you.

• Find Ways to Enjoy and Appreciate Your Body As It Is: If you look at yourself in the mirror, can you find at least one thing that you like about yourself? Find inspiration by focusing on the things your body can do instead of how your body looks.  Even if you are differently abled or have certain limitations, you can find ways to appreciate your body as it is.  For instance, learn to appreciate that your body is able to pump thousands of barrels of blood throughout your lifetime.  Similarly, think about how amazing it is that body has millions of cells interacting with each other everyday to keep you healthy.

• Be As Compassionate to Yourself As You Would Be to a Close Friend: Practice being kind and compassionate to yourself in the same way you would be to a close friend. Show particular kindness to the parts of your body that you don't like. For instance, if you don't like your abdomen, be kind to it by giving it a gentle massage with your favorite lotion after a shower.  In this way you can tend and befriend your body just the way it is right now.

How Mindfulness Can Help With Body Acceptance: If you want to overcome a negative body image, you can learn to use mindfulness to become more aware of how you're continuing to give yourself negative messages and learn to let go of these thoughts.

Mindfulness and Self Compassion Help With Body Acceptance

Mindfulness is a state of awareness you can use so you can become aware of the negative messages you give to yourself about your body. 

To begin your mindfulness practice:

• Get into a relaxed state in a private quiet place by slowing down your breathing (see my article: How to Practice Square Breathing).

• Become aware of the thoughts going through your mind and whenever you have a negative thought about your body (or anything else about yourself), imagine you're putting each negative thought on a cloud and watching it float away.

• Don't criticize yourself for having negative thoughts about your body.  Instead, be compassionate and gently let each thought go.

Body Acceptance is a Process

Body acceptance probably won't help overnight, but if you keep practicing mindfulness and self compassion, you can begin to let go of the negative messages you give yourself and learn to accept and appreciate your body as it is.

Body Acceptance is a Process

This article focused on women.  However, many men also suffer from body image problems and the tips offered in this article can be helpful to them too.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

The Fetishization of Lesbians and Bisexual Women is a Social Justice Issue

Fetishization is defined as the act of making someone an object of sexual desire based on some aspect of their identity.  With regard to lesbians and bisexual women in particular, fetishization means objectifying these women and seeing them as existing soley for the sexual pleasure of heterosexual men.  

The Fetishization of Lesbians and Bisexual Women is a Social Justice Issue

Mainstream Pornography Distorts Lesbian and Bisexual Relationships

With fetishization, there is no regard for actual lesbian and bisexual relationships with women--actual relationships as opposed to the distortions portrayed in mainstream pornography where these relationships exist only for the male gaze (see my article:  What is the Difference Between Ethical Pornography and Mainstream Porn?).

Acceptance or Fetishization of Lesbians and Bisexual Women?

Although many believe there is greater acceptance for lesbians and bisexual women these days, it's important to distinguish acceptance from fetishization.  

Instead of being accepted, these women are often objectified and viewed as being on display for the sexual enjoyment of heterosexual men. 

Acceptance or Fetishization of Lesbians and Bisexual Women?

Lesbians, in particular, are often seen as a sexual challenge by many men. These men fantasize about "converting" these women into heterosexuals.  

Alternatively, many men would like to believe that lesbians would find them so irresistible that they would make an "exception" to have sex with them. These men want to believe they would be special, above all other men, in the eyes of a lesbian.

In these instances, it's all about male sexual conquest or "scoring" with lesbians.  

Related to this is the distorted perception that if these women were to experience "a real dick," they would have a sexual awakening and convert to heterosexuality.

Bisexual Women as "Unicorns" to Be Sought Out by "Unicorn Hunters"

There is a particular type of fetishization of bisexual women among men who seek out bisexual women for threesomes.  

The term "unicorn" implies that bisexual women, who participate in these threesomes (female-male-female or FMF), are hard to find, and the men who try to find them are referred to as "unicorn hunters."

There is nothing wrong with bisexual women who willingly consent to be part of a threesome with a heterosexual couple.  There is no harm if no one is being manipulated or exploited among consenting adults.

The problem comes in when heterosexual men see all bisexual women as existing only for their sexual pleasure or when bisexual women are pressured into threesomes or denigrated for not participating in threesomes.  

Similarly, some men seek out bisexual women for their "bi-curious" girlfriend so these men can gawk at their girlfriend having sex with a woman.  

Once again, if everyone is enthusiastically consenting to these sexual activities and no one is being abused, there isn't a problem among consenting adults. 

The problem comes in when all bisexual women are viewed as existing only for this purpose and they're not seen as existing in their own right.

Some bisexual women are tricked, manipulated or misled into engaging in these sexual activities by the "unicorn hunter."  

Sometimes these men lead bisexual women to believe that sex will only be between the two of them (the man and the bisexual woman) but it's really a setup to get her to be part of a threesome.  

Even worse: When men use alcohol or drugs to sexually manipulate, abuse and exploit women.

Once again, to clarify: Manipulating bisexual women into threesomes is very different from being a consensual member of a polyamorous triad or throuple, which are relationships among three consenting adults (more about this in a future article).

The Objectification of Lesbians and Bisexual Women is a Social Justice Issue

Objectification means treating someone like an object who is devoid of their own subjectivity with regard to their thoughts, feelings and behavior.  This is a social justice issue for everyone.

Objectification of any woman means reducing her to an object or body part who exists for the sexual gratification of heterosexual men.  

Similarly, when lesbians and bisexual women are seen as hypersexualized beings, this perpetuates a dangerous stereotype.  This form of dehumanization can, and often does, lead to violence against women.  

The Need For a Major Overhaul of the Sex Education System in the US

There is an urgent need for a major overhaul of the sex education system in the United States.  

Where sex education exists at all the emphasis is usually on prevention of sexually transmitted disease and pregnancy.  

There is little to no education about sexual pleasure which is an important part of sex between consenting adults.

Similarly, there is little to no education about the harmful effects of objectifying women in mainstream pornography and other media.  This is an important issue because this is how many teens and young adults get information and form their views of sex in the absence of comprehensive sex education.

Abstinence-based sex education advises teens and young adults to wait until they're married to have sex.  However, with no guidance from sex education, how are these adults supposed to take the leap from thinking sex is wrong or sinful to having a healthy sexual relationship when they get married?  There needs to be comprehensive sex education to fill this void.

Raising Awareness of the Fetishization of Lesbians and Bisexual Women

Although more people--both women and men--are speaking out against the objectification of lesbians and bisexual women, their attempts are a mere drop in the ocean compared to the pervasive negative stereotypes in mainstream porn and other media.

Raising awareness starts with each individual reflecting on their own personal views and choices with regard to women--whether these women are their partners, sisters, nieces, granddaughters or strangers to them.  

In doing so, they can learn to respect women and also respect themselves.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I am a sex positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?)

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

What is Ethical Pornography?

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Relationships: The Madonna-Whore Complex is Still Alive and Well Today

In his book, Can Love Last: The Fate of Romance Over Time, psychologist Stephen A. Mitchell posits that the Madonna-Whore Complex is still alive and well for many heterosexual men more than 200 years after Sigmund Freud identified this complex. Specifically, men who experience women in terms of the Madonna-Whore Complex either see a woman as being lovable or erotic, but not both.

The Modern Day Version of the Madonna-Whore Complex

According to Dr. Mitchell, Freud initially identified this complex in a 1912 paper he wrote whose title is translated as "The Most Prevalent Form of Degradation in Erotic Life." 

According to Freud, men who experience "psychic impotence," which is sexual impotence that occurs due to psychological reasons (as opposed to physical reasons), often experience this split in how they view women as being either a "good woman" or a "whore."

According to Dr. Mitchell, Freud explains this complex as follows:  Where such men love they cannot desire and where they desire they cannot love.  

So, according to Freud, it's love that ultimately causes a reduction in sexual desire for these men. Similarly, when they experience sexual desire for a woman, they have problems loving her. So, therein lies the split.

In other words, these men, who experience this split as a woman being either lovable or erotic, have difficulty integrating their feelings of love and sexual desire for the same woman.  

Needless to say, this complex has serious implications for committed relationships because relationships require both love and sexual desire.

If these men are in a committed relationship with a woman they love, over time their sexual desire for this woman wanes and the sexual relationship feels dull and boring.  Consequently, over time, they also see their wives and girlfriends as being "respectable" but dull, which adds to their sexual boredom in that relationship.

Love Without Sexual Desire and Sexual Desire Without Love

Love without sexual desire can feel tender and emotionally secure, but it lacks the sexual passion needed in a committed relationship.

Sexual desire without love has passion, but it lacks the emotional intimacy and security needed in a committed relationship.

In order to experience sexual excitement, these men need to go outside their relationship to have an affair with a woman they don't love.  Then they're able to experience sexual excitement because they have enough psychological distance and there's enough sexual objectification to get excited.

The Modern Day Version of the Madonna-Whore Complex

Although in Freud's time women who were considered "madonnas" were seen as saintly and women who were considered "whores" were equated with prostitutes, according to Dr. Mitchell, for many men today the modern day Madonna-Whore Complex is a modified version of the one from Freud's Victorian era.

Dr. Mitchell posits that many men currently perceive the woman they're in love with as being "nice," which is equivalent to the Madonna in the Victorian era. These men eventually experience their long term relationship as dull and boring. This is especially true for many men after their wife has a baby.  Unconsciously, these men's feelings towards their wife changes once she becomes a mother (i.e., a "madonna") because they're unable to see her in an erotic way.

The modern day version of the "whore" from Victorian times is now called a "slut" (although this word has been reclaimed by some women).  These men can develop erotic feelings for women they consider "sluts," but they usually can't feel affection for these same women.  Hence, the split between the "nice woman" and the "slut."

The modern version of the Madonna-Whore Complex, from the perspective of men who experience this dynamic, divides women into "nice women" who men marry and "sluts" who are desperate for sex and who can be eroticized for hook ups.  

After a brief time, these men often look down upon the women they hook up with and return to their "nice" girlfriend or wife to repeat the cycle until they feel sexually bored again and act out sexually once again outside the relationship.

Dr. Mitchell provides many case vignettes in his book to show how the modern day version of this misogynistic split plays out in many men's lives today and how it affects their committed relationships.

The Downside of the Madonna-Whore Complex in Relationships

The most notable downside of this phenomenon for relationships is that the longer a couple is together, the less intense their sex life will be.  

Complicating matters, according to Dr. Mitchell, is an over-emphasis on the need for emotional safety and the pull for the opposite--the need for sexual adventure. He explains that an over-emphasis on the need for emotional safety in a long term relationship can lead to a dulling of sexual passion in that relationship.

So, in these cases, sexual passion is sacrificed for emotional safety which makes sex boring in the committed relationship, and it also makes sexual affairs more tempting because these people will seek sexual passion outside the relationship.

The obvious downside for women is that they're not perceived as whole people who can be loved and sexually desired. Also, as previously noted, this complex has an inherent misogynistic bias against women who are either "nice" and boring or "sluts" and exciting (although, eventually, both the "nice" women and the exciting women are degraded in these men's eyes).

Women Can Also Experience the Split Between the Need For Emotional Safety and the Need for Sexual Adventure 

Although the focus in the Madonna-Whore Complex is on heterosexual men, there are also heterosexual women who experience this split.

A Split Between the Need For Emotional Safety and Adventure

For instance, a wife, who has a strong need for emotional safety can behave in a nurturing and "motherly" way towards her husband.  This, in turn, de-masculinizes her partner, which makes her feel sexually turned off to him because she has placed him in a childlike role.  

This same woman will see her husband as sexually boring and long for sexual passion outside her relationship.  To make matters worse, a woman who experiences this split usually is unaware that she has created it in much the same way as her male counterpart who experiences the Madonna-Whore Complex.

With regard to these women, to paraphrase Freud: Where she loves, she cannot desire, and where she desires, she cannot love.

It's important to note that this type of split is usually unconscious for both men and women.  Also, when the need for emotional safety leads to an individual de-sexualizing their partner, this is also usually unconscious.

It's equally important to note that, although the Madonna-Whore Complex is common, it's not everyone's experience. There are many people who can have committed long term relationships where they don't experience the split discussed in this article. Instead, they can experience both love and sexual passion with the same person.

In my next article, I'll continue to discuss the Madonna-Whore Complex in relationships: The Paradox of Love and Desire in a Committed Relationship.

Getting Help in Therapy

If you want to change how you relate to a romantic partner or if you recognize that you're caught in a split between emotional safety and sexual adventure, you could benefit from seeking help from a licensed mental health professional who has expertise in this area.

A skilled psychotherapist can help you to have a healthier, more integrated relationship where you can have both love and sexual passion in your committed relationship.

So, rather than struggling on your own, seek help in therapy so you can have a more fulfilling relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 or email me.