Ambivalence and Codependence in the Mother-Daughter Relationship

The topic of conflict and ambivalence in the mother-daughter relationship is the subject of this article. One article in a blog cannot do justice to this topic but, hopefully, it can serve as a starting point for many similar articles and it will be thought provoking (see my articles: Healing Mother-Daughter Relationships and Letting Go of Resentments in Mother-Daughter Relationships).

Ambivalence and Codependence in Mother-Daughter Relationships

The complexity of the mother-daughter relationship is derived, in part, from the fact that mothers and daughters share a biological and often certain psychological factors. 

As such, mothers often see themselves in their infant daughters, at times, projecting their own unfulfilled hopes and dreams on their infant daughters. 

In turn, daughters learn to identify with their mothers. A certain amount of maternal idealizing is a normal part of a daughter's development. 

However, when the identification or idealization interferes with a daughter's psychological development, this often interferes with the normal separation and individuation process that is necessary for the daughter to mature into her own person.

Clinical Vignette:

The following vignette which, as always, represents a composite of numerous cases illustrates how ambivalence and codependence between a mother and daughter as well as an over identification by the daughter for the mother kept the daughter stuck and unable to develop into her own person without feeling like she was betraying her mother.

Donna:
When Donna began therapy, she was in her early 30s. She was already quite successful in her career. As she saw it at the time, her presenting problem was that she had a long history of problems in her romantic relationships with men. 

Her relationships always began well. However, as soon as the relationship became serious, Donna became extremely ambivalent about it and found some way to sabotage it. When she began therapy, she was in a one-year relationship with a man that she loved very much and who also loved her. She saw the potential for a good marriage with this man, but she was very frightened to make that commitment with him, and she could not understand why.

Donna's family history included her parents' divorce when she was five years old. Prior to that, she remembered a lot of arguing between her parents, who were not well suited for each other. After the divorce, the father remarried within a couple of years. However, Donna's mother sank into a depression and she began to drink heavily.

As an only child, Donna remembered feeling responsible for her mother's happiness. Her mother poured out her sorrows to Donna, and Donna did her best to try to make her mother happy by listening to her, trying to entertain her with funny stories from school, being an "A" student, and trying never to bother her mother with her own concerns. 

As a result, at a young age, Donna and her mother switched roles, and Donna became a parentified child. She learned to anticipate her mother's needs before her mother even expressed them. She even cleaned up her mother's mess when her mother got drunk and threw up around the house. For this, Donna's mother rewarded her by telling her what a wonderful daughter she was, and this made Donna feel good.

Donna's relationship with her mother continued in this way until Donna became a teenager, and she began to express a need to spend more time with her friends. Donna's mother never actually stopped Donna from going out with her friends, but when Donna got home, she often found her mother in an irritable, sullen state.

She never told Donna directly that she was unhappy that Donna was beginning to achieve a certain amount of independence that is a normal part of adolescence but, indirectly, she complained about how lonely she felt when Donna was out and how hard her life was as a single mother. 

This made Donna feel very guilty for leaving her mother alone and for going out and having a good time with her friends. At those times, Donna worked extra hard to get back into her mother's good graces. After a while, Donna's mother was appeased and, once again, she rewarded Donna by telling her that she was the best daughter that a mother could have.

At times, Donna turned down her friends' invitations to go out because she didn't want to leave her mother alone and unhappy. She also feared that her mother would drink more when Donna was out, which was often the case. At least if she was there, Donna thought, she could monitor her mother's alcohol intake and help her mother to go to bed when she was too drunk.

After her parents' divorce, Donna had virtually no contact with her father. She feared that her mother would be upset if she maintained a relationship with her father, so she ignored his phone calls and, after a while, he stopped calling.

During that time, dating boys was out of the question in Donna's mind. Her mother was very bitter about her own divorce and she would often tell Donna how awful men were. Donna was interested in a couple of boys at school, who also expressed an interest in her, but Donna felt that it would be a betrayal to her mother if she began dating boys. So, rather than dating, she stayed home with her mother and catered to her needs.

When it came time for Donna to apply for college, one of Donna's teachers, who had an intuitive sense of what was going on in Donna's home, encouraged Donna to go away to college. A part of Donna longed to be away and attend a college with an active campus life. However, a stronger part of Donna didn't want to leave her mother alone. So, she opted to go to a local college, even though other colleges offered her better opportunities and a chance for a full scholarship.

By the time Donna was a sophomore in college, she began to feel depressed and lonely. She didn't know why she was feeling this way, so she went to the student counseling center. With the help of her college counselor, Donna began to see that she was missing out on many of the social activities that other students were enjoying and that she also wanted to attend.

So, gradually, Donna became more social and, soon afterwards, she started dating, much to her mother's chagrin. By that point, Donna realized that she needed to have a social life of her own, but she continued to feel guilty and that, in some way, she was betraying her mother by spending less time with her and more time with her friends.

By the time she graduated, Donna was offered an excellent job opportunity in NYC that she knew she could not afford to pass up. With much ambivalence and guilt about leaving her mother, she moved to NYC to begin her new career. However, she called her mother several times a day to "check in" on her and to listen to her mother's problems. She also visited her mother frequently on weekends.

When Donna entered into her first serious relationship, she was wary of telling her mother. She feared that since her mother had such a low opinion of men, her mother would disapprove of her being in a relationship. 

When Donna finally summoned the courage to tell her mother, her mother acted as if she had not even heard her. She never expressed any curiosity about this man or even asked Donna how the relationship was going. This made Donna feel very sad and guilty--as if she was doing something wrong by having a life of her own and being in a relationship, as if she wasn't entitled to her own happiness.

Shortly after that, Donna began finding faults with her boyfriend and they started arguing. Within a few months, they were broken up. When Donna told her mother about the breakup, her mother responded by telling her to come home and spend time with her. Her mother seemed to have no recognition that Donna was heart broken.

This same pattern continued in most of Donna's relationships. She felt pulled between the man that she loved and a "loyalty" that she felt for her mother. By the time that Donna came to see me, she was miserable. She was also aware that she was ruining an otherwise wonderful relationship with a man that she really loved. But she didn't know how to stop engaging in this behavior.

We began by doing inner child work to help Donna understand and appreciate the root of her problems. Over time, she learned to have more compassion for herself when she was a child and as an adult. She also started to see how her own inner emotional conflict caused her to feel that she had to choose between her boyfriend and her mother.

With a lot of work in therapy, Donna started feeling more entitled to have a happy life and not to sacrifice her life for her mother. She also learned to see that her codependent relationship with her mother was not helping her mother or her. 

So, gradually, over time, she changed her behavior towards her mother. Rather than calling her mother several times a day, she called her once a week. Rather than spending hours on the phone listening to her mother's problems and trying to "fix" them, Donna encouraged her mother to get help.

Donna's mother did not respond well to this new change in Donna. After a few weeks of this, Donna's mother refused to talk to Donna and told her that she would talk to her when Donna "came to her senses again." 

This was a serious emotional challenge for Donna, and part of her wanted to revert back to her old behavior to "rescue" her mother. But, deep down, Donna realized that she needed to stick to what she knew was best for her and her relationship with her boyfriend. 

She also realized now that her mother would never get help for her alcoholism as long as Donna provided her with an emotional crutch. So, even though it was very difficult for her, Donna refrained from reverting back to her former dysfunctional way of relating to her mother.

After several months, Donna's relationship with her boyfriend improved substantially. Even though she missed her mother, Donna realized that she felt happier than she had ever felt and she finally felt entitled to her happiness. She also reconciled her relationship with her father.

About a year later, she received a call from her mother. Her mother told Donna that she had just completed a 28-day rehab and she wanted to reconcile her relationship with Donna. And, for the first time, she told Donna that she wanted to meet her boyfriend. This was the beginning of Donna and her mother having a healthy relationship together without much of the guilt, codependence, and ambivalence from the past.

Healthy Mother-Daughter Relationships
Even though this article focuses on ambivalence and codependence in mother-daughter relationships, I want to also say that there are many mothers and daughters who have healthy relationships. 

Healthy Mother-Daughter Relationships

Even mother-daughter relationships that begin with the sort of enmeshment, codependence and ambivalence that were involved with Donna's relationship with her mother often improve when one or, preferably both, people get psychological help.

Getting Help in Therapy
If you are part of an emotionally unhealthy mother-daughter dynamic and you want to establish a healthier relationship, you could benefit from attending psychotherapy with a licensed mental health professional who has expertise in this area.

About Me

I am a licensed psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, and EMDR therapist in New York City.

I work with individuals and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my web site: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also, see Mother-Daughter Relationships Over the Course of a Life Time.

Relationships: How Does Avoidance Push Ambivalence Underground?

Avoidance drives ambivalence underground by forcing intense internal conflicts into unconscious states of denial and behavioral withdrawal (see my article: Changing Maladaptive Behavior That Don't Work For You: Avoidance).

Avoidance Pushes Ambivalence Underground

When one or both partners in a relationship avoids dealing with their problems, they enter into a stalemate where the problems aren't addressed and internal conflicts grow. This can lead to increased emotional disconnection in the relationship.

How Does Avoidance Push Ambivalence Underground?

• Creating Internal Stalemate: When love or closeness threatens an individual's sense of self, their nervous system forces a move toward emotional isolation. This pushes the internal conflict into a hidden, often unspoken state, creating intense emotions that keep looping.

• Using Distractions and Substitutes: People who tend to avoid often create intense, externalized activities, including workaholism, spending an excessive amount of time on hobbies or shallow outside connections to fulfill emotional needs without facing the vulnerability of their relationship.

Avoidance Pushes Ambivalence Undergrouond

• Reinterpreting Intimacy as Danger: By treating emotional intimacy as a threat to their safety or autonomy, the desire for closeness is pushed underground by a default survival reflex which creates emotional distance.

• Boundary Setting Disguised as Vagueness: Instead of discussing the conflict directly, people who use avoidance often use vague statements like "I need more time" or "I'm not ready yet". This often hides the deeper inner conflict.

• Panic Can Overwhelm Love: By the time the conflict rises to the surface, the individual's actions are motivated by panic rather than love and this masks their true wants and needs.

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette, which is a composite of many different cases, illustrates how avoidance pushes ambivalence underground and how therapy can help:

Jack

Jack met Linda when both of them were in their mid-30s. They both felt drawn to each other  immediately. 

Several months into their relationship, Jack's apartment lease was about to expire and Linda suggested that he move in with her. 

Initially, Jack agreed and then, as the date to move in with Linda got closer, he became increasingly anxious.  Linda tried to talk to Jack about his anxiety, but he put her off by saying, "I think it's too soon to move in together. I need more time to think about it." 

Avoidance Pushes Ambivalence Underground

Instead of moving in, Jack extended his lease for several more months to give himself time. In the meantime, Linda experienced her own anxiety about what Jack's ambivalence meant for their relationship.

Eventually, Jack moved in with Linda, but they spent less time together than when they were dating and living apart. He would spend long hours at the office and, when he was home, he spent much of his free time playing video games. 

When Linda tried to talk to Jack about his emotional distance, she felt she was getting nowhere because he made excuses. 

A few months after they moved in together, Linda told him that she was feeling increasingly lonely since he was either distracted with work or playing video games. She reminded him that she had told him early on in their relationship that she wanted to get married and have children and she was worried that their relationship was stagnating and time was passing.

Jack told her that he wasn't ready to consider marriage and he was nowhere near ready to think about children, "I feel like you're pressuring me when you know I'm not ready. I need time."

At that point, Linda gave Jack an ultimatum: Either they go to couples therapy to deal with their problems or she would leave him. 

Not wanting to lose Linda, Jack agreed to attend couples therapy, but his ambivalence continued to play out in couples therapy: He would make excuses not to go or find other reasons to avoid their sessions.

When the couples therapist confronted Jack with his ambivalence, he felt like he wanted to leave therapy rather than deal with his internal conflicts. But he knew if he stopped going to couples therapy altogether, he would lose Linda.

Over time, as the couples therapist got to know Linda and Jack better and understood their family histories, she pointed out the negative cycle that Jack and Linda were stuck in. She also pointed out how Jack's parents' marriage affected him: His father felt engulfed by his mother's emotional needs and he would find ways to avoid spending time with her.

As Jack became aware of the impact of his parents' relationship and the behaviors he was repeating in his own relationship, he knew he didn't want to make the same mistakes his parents made and he became more committed to working on his relationship in couples therapy.

Linda and Jack both learned tools and strategies to dig deeper into their unconscious motivations and how these motivations played out in their relationship.

Over time, Jack gradually became much less fearful of emotional intimacy and more committed to his relationship with Linda.  He allowed himself to be more emotionally present and vulnerable so that he was ready to make a commitment to get married. 

Several months after they got married, Linda became pregnant and she and Jack looked forward to raising a child together.

Conclusion

Avoidance pushes ambivalence underground by forcing internal conflicts into unconscious states of denial and withdrawal.

Avoidance Pushes Ambivalence Underground

The person who uses ambivalence to avoid these internal conflicts often doesn't realize they are using avoidance to push down ambivalence because this is an unconscious process.

When this occurs in a relationship, the other partner can feel like they are being strung along and then they need to make their own decisions.

Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy can help couples to see the negative cycle they are stuck in and provide them with ways to get out of the stalemate if they choose to get out.

In situations like this, the person who feels they are being strung along will often tell their partner to get help in individual therapy, but this is a relationship problem so it needs to be addressed by both individuals in couples therapy.

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

If you and your partner feel stuck in patterns that are causing problems in your relationship, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional who has an expertise in working with couples.

Get Help in Couples Therapy

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from an experienced couples therapist so you can have a more fulfilling relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT couples therapist, Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

Over the years, I have helped many individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles:

What is Avoidance Coping? 

How to Stop Avoiding Conflict in Your Relationship 

Fear of Being Emotionally Vulnerable in a Relationship  

Dealing With an Ambivalent Partner 

Overcoming Ambivalence

 

Grieving For a Parent Who Wasn't There For You

Grief for a deceased parent isn't always related to how close you were.

Grieving For a Parent Who Wasn't There For You

In fact, grief related to the loss of a parent you weren't close to can be even more intense than grief for a nurturing parent because it often involves grieving for what  you hoped for and never got (see links for my articles about grief below).

For adults who have lost a parent under these circumstances, part of the grief is knowing that the warm loving relationship you might have wished for can never be experienced after your parent died. The death can bring a painful finality to your wish and wash away any hopes you might have had to improve the relationship.

Clinical Vignette:

The following clinical vignette is a composite of many different cases with all identifying information removed:

Alex

Alex was in his mid-30s when he received a phone call from his stepmother, a woman he had never met, telling Alex that his father had terminal cancer. She told him that his father was in hospice and he wasn't expected to live more than a few days.

Before Alex could respond, his stepmother put his father on the phone to say a few words. It was clear to Alex that his father was heavily medicated and Alex didn't know what to say. His father asked for Alex's forgiveness for walking out on Alex and Alex's mother more than 30 years ago. He said he regretted not ever contacting Alex after he walked out on them.

Alex was shocked and confused. He didn't want to reject his father's dying wish, so he told his father that he forgave him. Then, his stepmother got back on the phone and told Alex that his father was too weak to talk any more. Before she hung up,she told Alex she would keep him apprised.

Not knowing what else to do, Alex sat for several minutes to take in what had just happened. When he was a child, he would ask his mother where his father had gone and his mother would tell him that his father was away on a business trip. But as weeks turned into months and years, Alex realized his father wasn't returning and he never asked his mother about it again because he didn't want to upset her.

Alex buried his feelings about his father and tried not to think about him. But there were times in his life when Alex felt sad that his father wasn't there for him, like when he graduated high school, when he graduated college, when he got married and when he had his first child. But during those times he didn't allow himself to dwell on those thoughts.

By the next day, Alex thought he might want to go visit his father before his father passed away, but then he received another call from his stepmother that his father died that night. She said she planned to have a memorial service in a few months and invited Alex to attend and meet his half brother, Jack.

A wave of profound sadness came over Alex. His wife attempted to soothe him, but Alex was too confused, anxious and angry to talk about it. He never even knew he had a half brother.

His wife said to him, "But you haven't seen your father in so many years and you don't even remember him. So, why do you feel sad?"

Alex couldn't explain why he felt so many mixed emotions, but after weeks passed and he didn't feel any better, he got help in therapy.

Grieving For a Parent Who Wasn't There For You

His therapist helped Alex explore his feelings and he realized that, even though he didn't allow himself to dwell on being abandoned by his father, he always had a wish that he and his father would reunite and they would develop a strong father-son relationship. But now that his father was dead, the reconciliation was impossible and this made him feel deeply sad.

His therapist helped Alex to grieve the abandonment and the loss of a relationship he wished for but now would never have. He also worked on his anger about his father asking him as he was dying to forgive him because, even though Alex said he forgave him, he wasn't sure how he felt.

As Alex continued to work on these issues in therapy, he realized how much he had stuffed his feelings from the time he was young because there was no one to help him with his complicated feelings about being abandoned and never seeing his father again. He believed his mother did the best she could, but she wasn't emotionally equipped to help him when he was a child.

After his father's death, when he spoke to his mother, he realized her memories of that time were different from his. She believed she had sat him down, talked to him and comforted him after his father left. When he told her what he remembered, she denied it, so Alex dropped the subject.

The memorial service was several months away and Alex had mixed feelings about going. Part of him wanted to go to meet his half brother and to find out more about his father, but another part of him didn't want to go. Even though he knew logically that none of this was his half brother's fault, he felt hurt and angry that his half brother had the relationship with his father that Alex wanted.

Then one day Alex received a call from his half brother, Jack, and they talked for over an hour. Jack said he could only imagine how difficult it must have been for Alex to get the call from Jack's mother after so many years. He also hoped they could meet and get to know each other.

Over time, they developed a relationship and Alex decided to go to the memorial service.

It took Alex a while to sort out his feelings about his father and his anger about the way his mother lied to him when his father left. But he also felt relieved to release the emotions in therapy--emotions he had suppressed for so many years.

Over time, Alex worked out his grief in therapy and maintained a relationship with Jack.

Getting Help in Therapy

Grieving for a deceased parent is difficult and it can be that much more difficult when a parent hasn't been there for you.

Getting Help in Therapy

Rather than trying to deal with these complicated emotions on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who has experience helping clients with grief and loss.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I am an experienced psychotherapist who has helped many individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles

Mourning the Death of a Father You Never Knew

Common Reactions to the Death of a Loved One 

The Many Layers of Grief 

The Emotional Impact of Losing Both Parents

Who Are You After Both of Your Parents Die?

Writing to Cope With Grief

How to Deal With Resentment in Your Relationship

Resentment can fester and grow until it destroys a relationship. 

Rather than allowing resentment to grow and harden, it's better to find ways to overcome resentment as problems come up.

Dealing With Resentment in Your Relationship

What is Resentment?

Resentment can include the following:

• Anger
• Disappointment
• Discontentment
• Frustration
• Feeling mistreated
• Indignation
• Irritation
• Disgust
• Holding onto a grudge/an inability to let go of anger

Dealing With Resentment in Your Relationship

• Difficulty accepting apologies
• A chip on one's shoulder
• Animosity
• Hostility
• Hatred
• Bitterness
• Antipathy
• Antagonism
• Ambivalence about the relationship
• Ruminating about feeling mistreated
• Avoiding topics that can lead to arguments and more resentment
• Experiencing tension in the relationship
• Feeling emotionally disconnected from a partner
• Reacting in a passive aggressive way rather than confronting problems directly
• Feeling invisible
• Feeling unlovable

What Are Common Triggers of Resentment in Relationships?

Some of the most common triggers of resentment include:

• Feeling unseen and unheard by a partner
• Feeling put down/criticized
• Having unrealistic expectations of a partner
• Dealing with a partner who insists on always being right
• Dealing with a partner who is frequently forgetful or late
• Feeling taken advantage of by a partner
• Feeling burnt-out by ongoing unresolved problems in the relationship

How Does Resentment Affect a Relationship?

Resentment can affect a relationship in many different ways depending upon who feels the resentment and how long the resentment has been going on, including:

• Harboring anger and bitterness towards a partner that leads to expressing pent up anger unexpectedly and harshly
• Feeling less empathy for your partner
• Withdrawing emotionally from your partner
• Withdrawing sexually from your partner

Dealing with Resentment in Your Relationship

• Feeling disgust and/or disappointment for your partner
• Complaining a lot about your partner to others
• Feeling anxious about the relationship
• Feeling physical tension and stress-related health problems as a result of the relationship
• Feeling like you want to get away from your partner
• Feeling like your opinions don't matter to your partner
• Feeling ignored
• Feeling confusion and/or ambivalence about the relationship
• "Walking on eggshells" with your partner
• Wanting to end the relationship

How Can You and Your Partner Prevent Resentment From Building Up?

It's a lot easier to address issues as they come up instead of allowing resentment to grow and harden:

• Address problems as soon as they arise 
• Learn to communicate and express your feelings in a healthy way
• Keep your expectations realistic. Don't expect your partner to meet every single expectation that you have. Instead, focus on what's most important to you.

Tips on How to Overcome Existing Resentment

If you and your partner have avoided dealing with the resentment in your relationship, you're going to find it challenging. 

Here are some tips that can help:

• Acknowledge the Resentment: If you want your relationship to improve, you both need to be able to acknowledge your own and your partner's resentment--even if you both spent years avoiding it.

• Work on One Issue at a Time: Rather than "kitchen sinking" each other with a whole litany of complaints, focus on one issue at a time. Listen to your partner instead of getting defensive or responding by barraging your partner with your complaints.

• Be Aware of Your Part in the Resentment: You might be aware of your resentment towards your partner, but are you aware of the role you might be playing?

• Remember Your Partner's Good Qualities: In order to put your feelings into perspective and to help you reduce resentment, try to remember your partner's good qualities.

• Learn to Compromise: If you and your partner can find a compromise that you each can live with, this can go a long way to reducing resentment. By talking over the problems in your relationship, you and your partner might be able to come up with reasonable compromises so you can each feel heard and taken care of in the relationship.

Get Help in Couples Therapy

If you and your partner have been unable to work out your problems on your own, you could benefit from seeking help in couples therapy.

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

A skilled couples therapist can help you to identify the areas where you're stuck and help you to make decisions about your relationship--including whether you want to remain together or you want to end the relationship in an amicable way.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who works with couples.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

Relationships: Dealing With an Ambivalent Partner

Dealing with an ambivalent partner can be frustrating and hurtful, especially if you're getting mixed messages and you don't know where you stand with your partner (see my article: The Connection Between Ambivalence and Mixed Messages).

Dealing with an Ambivalent Partner

Why Causes Relational Ambivalence?

There can be many reasons why a partner might be ambivalent about the relationship:

• A History of Trauma: Whether the trauma occurred early in their childhood or as a result of bad experiences in prior relationships, a history of trauma can make people fearful of getting emotionally involved again. Many people with a significant trauma history engage in push-pull dynamics where, at times, their behavior indicates they want to be in a relationship with you and, at other times, their behavior indicates they don't want to be in a relationship with you. They might pull you in when they fear you're losing interest or push you away when you're present and available due to their fear and emotional avoidance. People with early trauma often have insecure attachment styles (see my article: How Your Attachment Style Affects Your Relationship).

• An Emotional Attachment to Their Ex: Being broken up with an ex doesn't mean that there might not still be a lingering emotional attachment between them. Feelings don't always go away after a breakup, so even though they might be free to see other people, some people still have strong feelings for their ex and they might not be emotionally available for someone new--even though they might want to be. If your partner is trying to maintain a friendship with an ex, you need to understand what that means. Sometimes people try to maintain a friendship with their ex because one or both of them are hoping they will get back together eventually. If this is the case, you might unknowingly be in the middle of a messy situation where you could be the odd one out. In other cases, people who maintain a friendship with their ex might have a codependent relationship with their ex where either they or their ex has expectations that they will be primary. This is not to say that many people aren't able to maintain a healthy friendship with an ex with no ulterior motives because many people do. You just need to understand the dynamics between your partner and their ex and if they have healthy boundaries with each other that will allow you to be primary with your partner (see my article: Is Your Partner Stuck in a Codependent Relationship With an Ex?).

• A Different Perspective on Relationships: There are so many choices these days about what kind of relationship you can have. Most people prefer to have a monogamous relationship, but about 4-5% of the population either have, want to have or have had a consensual nonmonogamous relationship. This is a topic to discuss early on when you're dating someone, but not everyone is clear on what they want. If they're considering consensual nonmonogamy as a possibility, but they're not sure, you might get mixed messages because they haven't decided yet. It's better to know this early on, especially if you and your partner aren't on the same wavelength. Even if both of you want a monogamous relationship, you might have different definitions about what monogamy means to each of you, so it's better to talk about this while dating (see my article: The Advantages of Having a Relationship Agreement in Monogamous or Nonmonogamous Relationship).

• A Different Perspective on Respect and Boundaries: You can't assume that everyone will have the same perspective as you when it comes to respect and maintaining healthy boundaries, especially if you experience certain behaviors from your partner, including:

• Inconsistent Behavior: Inconsistency can show up in many ways. For instance, although most people are busy, they will make an effort to respond in a timely manner to calls and texts (assuming you're not texting or calling too many times). Another example is someone who is inconsistent as to when they want to see you or who shows up late (or not at all). Maybe they want to see you a couple of times one week, but then you don't hear from them for a couple of weeks, so you don't know where you stand with them.  This is disrespectful behavior.

Dealing With Your Partner's Inconsistent Behavior

• Not Introducing You to Friends and Family as Their Partner: This is often a red flag. If you and your partner have established that you're in an exclusive relationship with each other and they don't make an effort to introduce you to people they are close to after a reasonable time or they introduce you but they don't mention that you're their significant other, they're not respecting you. This could be deliberate because there might be other people in a social situation they're interested in. It might also be because, even though they made a commitment to you, they haven't fully committed on an emotional level. If you have both agreed to be exclusive, you deserve to be introduced to close people in your partner's life as their significant other. If not, this is disrespectful behavior.

• A Need to Maintain Control: Some people, especially people with insecure attachment, need to feel they have the upper hand in a relationship. They want to have power and control in the relationship. One way people, who have an insecure attachment style combined with a manipulative personality, do this is by keeping you off kilter and guessing how they feel about you and what you mean to them.  Even if your partner isn't narcissistic or manipulative, they might have a fear of abandonment so they might try to mitigate their fear by maintaining control over the relationship (see my article: How Therapy Can Help With Fear of Abandonment).

How to Set Healthy Boundaries With an Ambivalent Partner

The Early Stage of Dating

The early stage of dating can involve a fair amount of anxiety and ambiguity, especially because people often date multiple people at the same time.

Discussing what you want out of a potential relationship is something you want to address early on. For instance, if you know you want to be in a nonmonogamous relationship or you want a monogamish relationship but the person you're dating doesn't want this, it's better to know this early on so you can wish each other well and meet other people.

Talk About What You Want While Dating

Even if you're both on the same page about what you each want, the early stage of dating can be confusing if you really like someone and you're unsure where you stand with them. 

After a few months (or whatever timeframe you consider reasonable), you can ask them how they're feeling about things between you and be prepared to talk about your feelings, needs and wants. Even though having this talk can make you feel emotionally vulnerable, you can save yourself a lot of heartache in the long run.

If You Both Agree to Be in a Relationship

If you're already in a relationship with your partner and you feel they're behaving in an ambivalent or inconsistent way with you, you need to address this early on or this could become an ongoing pattern (see my article: Setting Healthy Boundaries in a Relationship).

Setting Healthy Boundaries in a Relationship

If you're in a relationship and your partner behaves in an ambivalent or inconsistent way and you don't address it, you're signaling to your partner that you're okay with their behavior.

Even if you know their behavior isn't narcissistic and manipulative, you deserve to be treated well regardless of your partner's history or circumstances. 

What You Can Do If You're in a Relationship With an Ambivalent Partner

Every circumstance is different and only you can decide what's best for you.

The following suggestions might be helpful to you:

• Get Clear With Yourself That You Deserve to Be Treated Well By Your Partner: You can't set healthy boundaries with your partner if you feel you don't deserve it. Journaling can help you to clarify your thoughts and emotional needs. Often people who have been emotionally abused or emotionally neglected early in life grow up to feel they don't deserve to be treated well. If this is you, get help from a licensed mental health professional to deal with your traumatic history.

• Be Clear and Specific With Your Partner About Your Emotional Needs: Some things might be negotiable with your partner, but when it comes to respect and healthy boundaries, you want to be clear on what you need. Be specific about what you will and won't tolerate and, if they're not willing to change or get help to change, you need to make a decision about how much of an emotional investment you want to make in this relationship, especially since this kind of relational ambivalence often doesn't change without help.

Be Clear and Specific About Your Emotional Needs

• Be Compassionate If Your Partner is Struggling and Still Set Boundaries: If their ambivalence is due to unresolved trauma or hurtful experiences in prior relationships, you can be compassionate but still set and maintain healthy boundaries. Don't sacrifice your emotional needs.

• Be Ready to Walk Away If Your Partner Doesn't Make a Significant Effort to Change: If you and your partner agree to certain boundaries and your partner doesn't make a significant effort to change, don't get stuck in a relationship where you're not being treated well. Too many people set boundaries with their partner and then continue to accept poor behavior for years because they hope their partner will eventually change.  This might sound harsh, but life is short and if your partner is only giving lip service to making changes without actually making any changes, you need to make a hard choice on what you want in your life. Don't let your denial keep you stuck if they're not making a significant effort. 

Get Help in Therapy

Setting and maintaining boundaries with a partner can be challenging especially when you love them or you fear being alone or making an effort to date again.

Get Help in Therapy

Working with a individual therapist for yourself or a couples therapist for you and your partner can help to resolve problems with relational ambivalence.

A skilled therapist can help you to take steps to lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

4 Reasons Why Attending Sessions Consistently is Important For Your Progress in Therapy

Many clients ask at the start of therapy how often they need to attend therapy. 

Since most of us have busy lives, this is a legitimate question.  

Consistency is Important For Progress in Therapy

It's also common for people to feel anxious and ambivalent at the start of therapy (see my article: It's Not Unusual to Feel Anxious and Ambivalent at the Start of Therapy).

Research indicates that attending therapy sessions on a weekly basis is essential to make progress in therapy.

The importance of attending weekly sessions is something I discuss with clients at the start of therapy because it's important for clients to know that therapy is a big commitment and the reasons why weekly sessions are essential.

4 Reasons Why Being Consistent is Important For Your Progress in Therapy

• Building Trust and a Connection With Your Therapist: Establishing trust in your therapist is essential to a successful therapy. Building trust doesn't happen immediately, especially if you have unresolved trauma from childhood and you couldn't trust your family due to trauma.  It takes time for you and your therapist to build trust and a therapeutic connection. Weekly sessions also allows your therapist to create a holding environment to create the emotional safety you need to open up in therapy (see my article: Why Establishing Safety For Clients is So Important in Therapy).

Consistency is Important For Progress in Therapy

• Developing Internal Resources to Work on Problems: Most therapists, especially trauma therapists, help clients to develop the necessary tools needed to work on unresolved problems.  This is called resourcing. During weekly sessions, your therapist can help you develop the necessary internal resources before you delve into trauma work. Weekly sessions also allows you and your therapist to discuss which resources are working best for you.  If you skip sessions, you're delaying the resource process which also delays working on your problems (see my article: Developing Internal Resources and Coping Skills in Therapy).

• Keeping Momentum Going: Motivation to change is what brings most people into therapy. Momentum in therapy is how you make changes (see my article: Developing Internal Motivation to Change).

• Accountability: Usually goals are set at the beginning of therapy and you and your therapist talk about how you're progressing in terms of what you want to accomplish in therapy.  It's easier to track your progress if you're coming weekly than if you skip appointments.  Cancelled sessions often leads to a decrease in motivation and a reduced sense of accountability.  This is one of the reasons why most therapists have a cancellation policy.

Getting Help in Therapy

Are you considering therapy?

Before I meet with clients for an initial appointment, I talk to them on the phone for 10-15 minutes to get an idea of what they want to work on and whether I have the expertise to help them.  There is no charge for this brief talk on the phone.

After that, if clients want to set up an initial appointment, I schedule an appointment for them either in person or online.  

During the first appointment, they can see whether they feel comfortable with me to continue coming for weekly sessions.

Working on your issues in therapy provides you with an opportunity to overcome the obstacles that stand in your way from having the life you want.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

With over 25 years of experience, I have helped many individual adults and couples to achieve their goals (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.