Coping With Relationship Stress

My article focuses on how stress affects sexual desire in relationships (see my article: To Improve Intimacy in Your Relationship, Get Off the Sexual Staircase).

Coping With Relationship Stress

For most people stress is a libido killer: Work stress, raising children and the daily grind of life can leave people feeling depleted and unmotivated to have sex.

When you feel stressed or anxiety and hyper-focused on having an orgasm and ensuring that your partner has an orgasm, your nervous system shifts into a fight-or-flight mode. This is the opposite of what most people need to enjoy sex.

The Impact of Stress on Pleasure:

Stress can affect pleasure on a physical and mental level:

The Physical Impact

• Stress Blocks Blood Flow: Stress releases cortisol and adrenaline, which constrict the blood vessels and direct the flow of blood to the genitals. 

• Stress Prevents Relaxation: When the nervous system is under stress and you can't relax, sexual arousal can be difficult.

• Stress Reduces Sensitivity: Anxiety can numb physical sensations. This can make touch less intense or even distracting.

The Mental Impact

• Stress Can Create a Goal-Oriented Mindset: Treating sex like a task to complete creates sexual anxiety (see my article: What is Performative Sex?).

Coping With Relationship Stress

• Stress Can Create "Spectatoring": You become a detached observer and judge your own performance instead of being an embodied participant (see my article: Understanding Your Sexual Accelerator and Brakes).

How to Overcome Stress-Related Sexual Problems

To overcome stress-related sexual problems, you can try the following:

• Practice Sensate Focus: Sensate Focus is a common exercise given to couples in sex therapy. It is a structured touching exercise where you and your partner take turns giving and receiving non-sexual touch. There is no sexual activity--even if one or both partners get sexually aroused.  Sensate Focus helps to eliminate performance pressure and goal-oriented sex (see my article: What is Sensate Focus?).

Coping With Relationship Stress

• Redefine Intimacy: Dedicate time to non-sexual physical closeness. This can include things like taking a bath together and giving a back massage where there is no pressure or expectation of sexual intercourse.

• Redirect Your Thoughts: When you feel your mind racing when you and your partner are being sexually intimate, shift your focus in a mindful way to other sensations--like the texture of skin, sound of music or slow, deep breathing.

Coping With Relationship Stress

• Talk to Your Partner: Instead of trying to suppress your stress and anxiety, which can make it worse, talk openly with your partner outside the bedroom (see my article: How to Talk to Your Partner About Sex - Part 1 and Part 2).

• Share What You Each Like: Talk to your partner about what feels comfortable and pleasurable to remove guesswork and doubt.

Coping With Relationship Stress

• Be Aware of Fluctuations in Sexual Desire: Acknowledge to each other that it's normal to have fluctuations in sexual desire to eliminate any performative aspects of sex. If you don't want to have sex on a particular occasion, instead of just rejecting your partner outright, suggest another time during the week to have sex (see my article: Coping With Occasional Sexual Rejection).

• Make Lifestyle Changes: Lifestyle changes like engaging in some form of physical exercise at a level that is right for you (e.g., walking, working out at the gym or taking a yoga class) can lower stress and increase blood flow. You can also engage in mindfulness to train your brain to stay in the present moment. Also, limiting caffeine, reducing alcohol and eliminating nicotine can improve your nervous system and vascular health (see my article: Can Yoga Improve Your Mood?).

Get Help in Sex Therapy

Sex therapy is a form of talk therapy for individual adults and couples (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?)

Get Help in Sex Therapy

Sex therapists are licensed mental health professionals who have advanced training and a  certification in sex therapy.

There is no nudity or sex during sex therapy sessions (see my article: What Are Common Misconceptons About Sex Therapy?).

Individuals and couples attend sex therapy for many reasons (see my article: What Are Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?

If you and your partner have been unable to resolve your sexual problems, you could benefit from working with a sex therapist.

About Me

I am a licensed New York mental health professional who is a Certified Sex Therapist.

In addition to being a sex therapist, I am also a trauma therapist who has advanced training in psychodynamic psychotherapy, EMDR, AEDP, IFS, Somatic Experiencing and hypnotherapy.

I have helped many individual adults and couples over the years.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles:

Sharing the Mental Load

Understanding Your Sex Script 

What is Sexual Desire Discrepancy in Relationships? 

Responsive Sexual Desire and Spontaneous Sexual Desire Are Both Normal

What is the Difference Between Emotional and Sexual Intimacy? 

How to Develop Emotional Depth in Your Relationship

Overcoming Sexual Shame and Guilt

What is Your Sexual Initiation Style? 

Creating Sexual Desire With the Sexual Simmer Technique

What Causes Out of Control Sexual Behavior (OCSB)? 

EMDR is a Mindfulness-Based Trauma Therapy

EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) is essentially a mindfulness-based trauma therapy (see my article: How EMDR Therapy Works).

EMDR is a Mindfulness-Based Trauma Therapy

Both EMDR and mindfulness are present-oriented and nonjudgmental using dual awareness to process disturbing memories. Both down-regulate the sympathetic nervous system (SNS) which reduces the emotional charge and the vividness of the trauma.

Here are the qualities that EMDR and mindfulness share in more detail:

Shared Mechanisms of EMDR and Mindfulness

• Dual Awareness and Waking Memory: EMDR uses bilateral stimulation (BLS) and mindfulness uses attentional anchors, like mindful breathing. Both mechanisms enable the brain's working memory to multitask which strips away the vividness of traumatic memories.

• The "Observer" Stance: EMDR's core prompt, "What are you noticing now?" or instructing the client to "stay to with it" is active mindfulness. It shifts the brain away from identification with trauma and treats thoughts and bodily sensations as transient phenomena.  

• Adaptive Information Processing (AIP): Both practices engage the brain's natural capacity to heal. Just as mindfulness promotes "decentering" (stepping back from negative thoughts), EMDR removes the "splinter" of dysfunctional memory networks so the mind can integrate them adaptively.

Integration in Therapy

• Stabilization: Therapists use evidence-based mindfulness strategies, like grounding and containment exercises to build distress tolerance before dealing with traumatic memories.

• Somatic Awareness: Both frameworks require deep body awareness which helps clients to track physical sensations without spiraling (see my article: The Mind-Body Connection: What is Somatic Awareness?).

Mindfulness exercises for EMDR stabilization (Phase 2) are somatic and sensory tools designed to anchor you in the present, manage distress and prevent emotional flooding before trauma processing begins:

Key EMDR stabilization exercises include:

• Relaxing Place Exercise: You identify a real or an imaginary place that brings you a deep sense of peace.  Then, you focus on vivid sensory details: sight, sound, texture and temperature. EMDR therapists often pair this with bilateral stimulation to neurologically reinforce the feeling of calm and safety (see my article: What is the Relaxing Place Exercise?).

A Relaxing Place Exercise

• The Container Exercise: This exercise helps you to mentally store overwhelming emotions, body sensations and traumatic memories. You picture placing distressing thoughts into a secure container, like a locked chest or vault, closing it and leaving it safely put away until you are ready to process it again with your EMDR therapist.

• The 5-4-3-2-1 Grounding Technique: This sensory awareness exercise pulls you out of traumatic memories or dissociation by bringing your focus to the present room. You actively notice: 
• 5 things you can see
• 4 things you can physically feel or touch
• 3 things you can hear
• 2 things you can smell
• 1 thing you can taste

• The Butterfly Hug: This is a self-administered bilateral stimulation technique where you cross your arms over your chest, placing hands on opposite shoulders or collarbones, and giving alternating gentle taps on your right and left sides or focusing on a calm thought to self soothe when you feel triggered (see my article: What is the Butterfly Hug?).

EMDR Butterfly Hug

• Dual Awareness: One Foot in the Present and One Foot in the Past: This is a mindfulness practice where you learn to observe a distressing emotion or memory while simultaneously keeping your awareness on your body in the present moment. You might tell yourself something like, "A memory is coming up, but that happened in the past and I'm safe in this room right now."

Get Help in EMDR Therapy

EMDR therapy is a mindfulness-based therapy to overcome trauma.

Get Help in EMDR Therapy

If you have been unable to work through traumatic memories on your own or in traditional talk therapy, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional who is an EMDR therapist.

Rather than suffering with unresolved trauma, seek help in EMDR therapy so you can free yourself from your traumatic history and live a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), IFS, Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have helped many individual adults and couples over the years.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

 

Understanding Why An Emotional Block Might Be Preventing You From Crying

If you have ever felt like your tears of sadness are "stuck", you know the frustration of feeling an emotional block (also known as emotional numbing). This often happens when your nervous system feels overwhelmed and enters into a self-protective "freeze" response.

Trauma Responses: The Freeze Response

You might feel the intense pressure of a lump in your throat, but your mind perceives this type crying as a potential threat to your emotional survival and safety. This "freeze" response is known as a trauma response. 

What Are the Reasons Why Your Tears Might Feel "Stuck"?

• Your Nervous System "Freeze" Response: When you experience prolonged stress or intense trauma, your sympathetic nervous system (SNS) can become overloaded. Instead of triggering a fight-or-flight response, your body reacts with a survival mechanism called dissociation (also known as a dorsal vagal shutdown).  Your brain reduces the intensity of your emotions to protect you from being overwhelmed by them. This response acts like a "circuit breaker" that cuts off power to your tear ducts (see my article: What is Trauma-Related Dissociation?)

Trauma Responses: The Freeze Response 

• Emotional Exhaustion and Burnout: Crying is an active biological process that requires emotional energy. If you have been trying to "hold it together" for months or even years, your emotional reserves can become depleted. The sadness is there, but your body might not have the stamina to release the tears.

Emotional Exhaustion and Burnout

• Unconscious Conditioning and Safety Walls: If you grew up in a household where there were rules that you shouldn't cry or you were punished for showing emotional vulnerability, these experiences can teach your brain to suppress tears. If you might ahve been given the message that you had to be "independent" when you were a child so you had to keep your emotions suppressed. In addition, forcing yourself to "power through" can leave you with no room to pause, soften, feel your feelings and cry.  

Being Scolded For Crying as a Child?

• Mental Health Conditions: Even though depression is usually associated with sadness, it frequently shows up as emotional blunting or anhedonia. This can make you experience your feelings as "flat" which makes tears inaccessible.

How to Safely Release Blocked Emotions in Experiential Therapy

You can't force an emotional release by trying to force yourself to cry because when you put that kind of pressure on yourself, your nervous system tightens up even more. In order for you release pent up emotions, you need to have a sense of safety so your body can gently release the emotions.

When you are dealing with "stuck" emotions, traditional talk therapy can be too much of an intellectual process that keeps you in your head. You might gain intellectual insight into your problems, but you don't get an emotional release.

The most effective therapies for processing trauma and releasing "stuck" emotions are mind-body oriented therapies, also known as Experiential Therapies (see my article: Why is Experiential Therapy More Effective For Healing Trauma Than Traditional Talk Therapy?).

The following are some of the main types of Experiential Therapy:

• Somatic Experiencing (SE): SE was developed by Dr. Peter Levine. SE treats emotional numbness as trapped survival energy from past stress or trauma. An SE therapist helps you to slow down so you can track subtle sensations (warmth, tingling, tightness) rather than asking you to only talk about what you're experiencing. By slowly introducing small amounts of "stuck" energy at a time (a process called "titration" in SE), your nervous system gently "thaws out" of its freeze response without becoming overwhelmed (see my article:  What Are the Benefits of SE to Heal Trauma?).

Somatic Experiencing Therapy

• Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR): While EMDR is usually associated with the bilateral stimulation process it uses, it is deeply rooted in how the body stores distressing memories. During the processing phase of EMDR, you focus on a particular memory or, if you are stuck in a freeze response, you focus on the physical feeling of numbness and where you feel it in the body. Then you follow either a physical or tactile bilateral stimulus. EMDR can help you to process "stuck" emotional information. Over time, this can lead to a somatic discharge like crying or a deep sense of physical relief when your body and mind feel safe enough to do it (see my article: How Does EMDR Therapy Work: EMDR and the Brain).

EMDR Therapy

• Internal Family Systems (IFS) Parts Work Therapy: In IFS an inability to cry due to a trauma-related freeze response is viewed as a protective strategy rather than a "broken" emotional system.  From an IFS perspective, this freeze response shields you from being overwhelmed by grief, fear or overwhelming sadness. In traditional psychotherapy the freeze response is often viewed as a symptom to eliminate, but in IFS the freeze response is appreciated as a protective aspect of the client. An IFS therapist uses the process called "unblending" to help the client to step away from the freeze response so that they can access Core Self, which is a part that is compassionate and curious to get to the underlying emotional wound that the emotional numbing protects (see my article: IFS Therapy is a Gentle Evidence-Based Trauma Therapy).

IFS Parts Work Therapy

• Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy (AEDP): An AEDP therapist treats the freeze response with a safe relational environment that gently helps to "thaw out" the nervous system. One of AEDP's primary goals is to "undo aloneness" where the therapist uses attachment-oriented affirmation ("I am here with you" or "We are doing this together") to build a secure base. When the brain registers true relational safety, the nervous system naturally begins to release it's survival-driven emotional numbing. The AEDP therapist also uses moment-to-moment tracking of the client's somatic cues. She will bring awareness to these somatic cues ("I notice that your jaw seems tight" or "I notice that your breath seems shallow. Can we slow down so we can see what's happening there?" Similar to IFS, AEDP recognizes that emotional numbing was once an adaptive defense when it wasn't possible to express emotions. So, she helps the client to process the emotional numbing. When the client begins to "thaw" from the emotional numbing, the therapist shares the emotional burden, validating the client's feelings and keeping the client anchored within their "window of tolerance" so that this energy can be discharged in a way that is manageable for the client (see my article: What is AEDP and How Does It Heal Trauma?).

What Are the Benefits of Integrating Experiential Therapies Like EMDR, IFS, AEDP and SE?

When an Experiential Therapist integrates EMDR, IFS, AEDP and SE (or any combination of these therapies), it means she is practicing an integrative trauma-informed "bottom up" approach to healing trauma.

Rather than using an intellectual top-down approach of talking about trauma conceptually, as would be done in traditional psychotherapy, the Experiential Therapist targets how trauma is held in the mind and in the nervous system. 

By using a combination of Experiential Therapy, the trauma therapist builds a complete plan that addresses the cognitive, emotional, relational and physical layers of your trauma. 

Get Help in Experiential Therapy

Whereas traditional psychotherapy is a "top down" approach, Experiential Therapies are a  "bottom up" approach to healing trauma.

Get Help in Experiential Therapy

The bottom-up approach of Experiential Therapy is often more effective than a top-down approach because because trauma, intense anxiety and emotional stress are stored in the lower brain regions and the autonomic nervous system which rational thoughts and traditional talk therapy cannot access.

If you are struggling with unresolved trauma, seek help in Experiential Therapy so you can heal your trauma and lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), IFS, Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have helped many individual adults and couples over the years.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles:

EMDR Therapy - When Talk Therapy Isn't Enough 

Somatic Experiencing - A Mind-Body Oriented Therapy to Heal Trauma 

AEDP: How Does AEDP Process Emotions? 

IFS: How Are Emotions Processed in IFS Parts Work Therapy? 

IFS-Informed EMDR: What Are the Benefits of Integrating EMDR and IFS Parts Work Therapy?

Combining EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) and IFS (Internal Family Systems) Parts Work Therapy creates a powerful synergistic approach for recovering from trauma. 

Integrating EMDR and IFS Parts Work Therapy

See my articles about EMDR and IFS: 

What is EMDR Therapy?

IFS Parts Work Therapy is a Gentle Evidence Based Trauma Therapy

How Are EMDR and IFS Therapies Integrated For Trauma Processing?

EMDR therapy uses accelerated processing to target traumatic memories while IFS provides a gentle nonpathologizing framework that honors the many aspects of the client's personality (also known as "parts").

Integrating EMDR and IFS Parts Work Therapy

Blending EMDR and IFS is called IFS-informed EMDR. The integration of these two therapies helps trauma therapists to navigate dissociation, resistance and processing blocks for clients with unresolved psychological trauma.

Phases 1 and 2: History Taking, Treatment Planning and Preparation: Whereas traditional EMDR focuses on identifying target memories and teaching basic grounding skills, integrating IFS shifts the focus to mapping the client's internal system and establishing foundational safety:

• Parts Mapping: The trauma therapist maps out the client's psychological protective system. These protective parts are known as Managers and Firefighters. The wounded parts of the client, which hold the client's trauma history, are known as Exiles.

IFS Mapping

• Identifying Negative Beliefs as Parts: Instead of treating negative beliefs as just thoughts, the therapist treats negative beliefs, like I'm unlovable" or "I'm powerless", as protective parts which are trying to protect the client from future harm. 

• Cultivating Core Self Energy: The therapist ensures the client can access their Core Self. The Core Self is characterized by compassion, curiosity and other similar qualities. Core Self acts as the client's primary internal resource before trauma processing begins (see my article: Understanding Your Core Self and Parts in IFS Therapy).

Phases 3 and 4: Assessment and Reprocessing: This is where the synergy of integrating EMDR and IFS takes place. Instead of framing the client's "resistance" as a problem, the therapist understands the protective nature of resistant parts and uses IFS Parts Work to clear the path for EMDR's bilateral stimulation:

• Securing Protector's Consent: The client's protector part's permission is essential so, before using EMDR's bilateral stimulation on a traumatic memory, the therapist will check with the protective part guarding the memory. She will ask, "Is it okay if we look at this memory today? Would you be willing to step aside?"

Integrating EMDR and IFS Parts Work Therapy

• Handling Looping and Blocks: If processing stalls or the client dissociates, the therapist recognizes that a protector part has stepped in to block the intensity of the processing. If so, the therapist will introduce an IFS-informed cognitive interweave, "Can the part that is blocking the processing let us know what it is worried would happen if we keep going?" 

• Maintaining Functional Dual Attention: Dual attention means the client keeps one foot in the present moment (Core Self energy) while simultaneously witnessing the Exile's trauma during the bilateral stimulation (see my article: What is Dual Awareness in Psychotherapy?).

Phases 5 and 6: Installation and Body Scan: Once a memory has been desensitized, the focus shifts to internal alignment and somatic integration:

• Inviting the Parts to "Try On" Positive Beliefs: Instead of installing a positive belief globally (as would be done in traditional EMDR), the therapist will check out how individual parts of the client receive it. She will ask if the protective parts feel safe adopting a positive belief like "I am lovable" or "I feel empowered". 

Integrating EMDR and IFS Parts Work Therapy

• Somatic "Befriending": During the body scan, if any residual tension is detected, the therapist will treat this physical sensation as a part. She will help the client to bring curiosity to this area of the body to see what emotional burden it is holding.

Phase 7 and 8: Closure and Re-evaluation: These final phases ensure the internal system remains stable and cohesive between sessions:

• Systemic Inclusion: Before closing an incomplete session, a trauma therapist explicitly checks back in with the protector parts that stepped aside. She will acknowledge their hard work, thank them for their cooperation and ensure they feel safe returning to their roles until the next session. 

• Assessing Systemic Shifts: At the start of the next session, the therapist will evaluate the client's inner world to see how the client's parts reacted to the last session. She will also check to see if new protectors have emerged or if old ones feel lighter. 

What Are the Benefits of Integrating EMDR and IFS Parts Work Therapy?

Integrating EMDR and IFS combines the rapid processing of EMDR and the gentle framework of IFS. This hybrid approach, which is called IFS-Informed EMDR, addresses the limitations of each modality when used alone. 

IFS-Informed EMDR offers several distinct clinical advantages including:

• Reducing Dissociation and Emotional Flooding: Traditional EMDR can sometimes overwhelm certain clients with complex trauma. This overwhelm can lead to dissociation. The IFS benefit is that the therapist does not push beyond the client's defenses, which are seen as "parts". By identifying and gaining permission from protective parts before starting bilateral stimulation, the pacing of the therapy matches the client's internal threshold which prevents sudden decompensation (see my article: What is Complex Trauma?).

Integrating EMDR and IFS Parts Work Therapy

• Overcoming Treatment Blocks and Looping: In traditional EMDR, processing can stall ("loop") when the client's unconscious mind resists going to the traumatic memory. By using IFS, instead of viewing resistance as a hindrance, the therapist sees the protector part as doing its job. The therapist will pause the processing to hear the protector's fears (e.g., "If I let go of this fear, I'll be at risk for being traumatized again"). Hearing the protector's fears can unblock the processing without triggering internal conflict for the client.

• Providing an Internal Attachment Figure: Traditional EMDR relies heavily on the therapist as the external source of safety and containment during processing. IFS cultivates the client's Core Self energy of compassion and curiosity to act as the primary healing agent. The client's Core Self becomes the internal attachment figure that holds, validates and "re-parents" the wounded child part (known as the Exile) during trauma processing.

• Maximizing Safety For Complex PTSD: Clients with complex developmental trauma often lack a single, clear target memory to process which makes traditional EMDR therapy difficult to initiate. The IFS mapping provides a clear internal landscape because therapists can target the relationship between the parts or focus on the negative core beliefs held by a specific part. This offers a structured roadmap for clients with fragmented trauma histories.

• Enhancing Post-Session Integration: After an intense EMDR session, clients can sometimes experience a backslash from internal defenses that feel blindsided by the rapid changes. Integrating IFS involves explicitly thanking the protectors and checking back in with the internal system before ending the session. This ensures that the whole system feels respected which drastically reduces the possibility of a post session backlash.

Conclusion

Integrating EMDR therapy and IFS Parts Work Therapy combines the best aspects of both trauma therapies including the rapid processing of EMDR and the gentle non-pathologizing aspects of IFS.

Get Help in IFS-Informed EMDR Therapy

Whereas traditional talk therapy is a top-down approach, both EMDR and IFS are bottom up approaches (see my article: What is the "Top Down" and "Bottom Up" Approaches to Trauma Therapy?).

Get Help in IFS-Informed EMDR Therapy

If traditional talk therapy hasn't been effective in helping you to heal from trauma, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional who integrates the best aspects of EMDR and IFS.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help with this integrated approach so you can work through trauma and live a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, IFS Parts Work, AEDP, Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

As a trauma therapist, I have helped many individual adults and couples over the years.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles:

Combining EMDR and IFS to Overcome Emotional Blocks 

EMDR Therapy - When Traditional Talk Therapy Isn't Enough 

How Are Emotions Processed in EMDR? 

What Are Imaginal Interweaves in EMDR?

What is the Connection Between IFS and Neural Networks?

Financial Infidelity in Relationships: How to Stop Hiding Financial Debt From Your Partner

Hiding financial debt from your partner is a form of financial infidelity which can be just as harmful as having a sexual affair. 

Keeping this secret can break trust with your partner, jeopardize your legal standing and ruin your shared relationship goals.

Financial Infidelity in Relationships

What Are the Potential Consequences of Hiding Financial Debt From Your Partner?

Let's look at the consequences in more detail:

• Erosion of Trust: Finding out about secret debt can cause a tremendous erosion of trust and feelings of betrayal. It can trigger relationship conflict or a breakup.

• Damaged Future Goals: Hidden debt takes away money that you and your partner would otherwise use to save for future goals, like a wedding, a new home or retirement.

• Credit Roadblocks: Hidden debt can prevent you and your partner from qualifying for apartment rentals, home mortgages or car loans.

• Legal and Joint Liabilities: If you co-sign for a loan or open joint accounts, your partner can become legally liable for the debt regardless of who spent the money.

Why Do People Hide Debt From Their Partner?

Secret spending or hidden debt usually occurs due to specific emotional and situational factors:

• Shame and Embarrassment: Feeling severe shame, guilt and embarrassment about past financial mistakes or current bad habits

Financial Infidelity in Relationships

• Fear of Confrontation: Worrying that a partner might judge you, get upset or call off a wedding or end the relationship

• Desire For Control: Wanting total independence or a financial fallback without answering to anyone

• Underlying Impulsive or Compulsive Habits: Masking debt that stems from hidden gambling, compulsive shopping or substance habits

What Steps Can You Take to Stop Hiding Debt From Your Partner?

There is no one-size-fits-all answer to this issue. What might be right for one person might not be right for another. 

You have to assess your situation and ensure that you are safe physically and emotionally before revealing secret debt. If you are in an unsafe environment where your partner might become physically abusive, you have to prioritize your safety. Depending upon your situaton, you might have to work with a domestic violence agency to develop your exit strategy before addressing financial issues.

For most people the following steps can be helpful:

• Own Up Before the Wedding: Don't let your partner find out about your secret debt through a rejected loan application or a surprise collection letter.

Financial Infidelity in Relationships

• Gather Concrete Information: Print and have available for your partner your credit reports and a clear list of every single card, interest rate, minimum payment and other relevant information.

• Draft a Repayment Strategy: Present your partner with the truth along with an actionable plan as to how you plan to pay off your debt--whether this includes getting a second job, strict budgeting or whatever other positive steps you need to take.

• Choose a Calm Setting: Pick a quiet time when you and your partner will have privacy to talk without being interrupted. Don't bring it up during an argument or in an offhand way.

• Avoid Defensiveness: Take responsibility and don't blame your partner or others for hiding the debt.

• Acknowledge the Betrayal: Validate your partner's feelings including anger, shock, hurt, sadness or whatever feelings your partner might have. 

• Recognize That the Lie is Often More Damaging Than the Money Owed: Lies of omission where you don't reveal secret debt is still a lie. Assuming your partner wants to remain in the relationship, you will have to work to regain your partner's trust.

• Assume Responsibility For the Financial Burden: Make it clear that you consider this to be your financial responsibility to fix and it is not their responsibility.

What Kind of Professional Help Can Be Helpful?

• Financial Planner/Legal Advisor: Depending upon your situation, you might need a financial or legal professional to help you map out a financial strategy. A legal consultation can also help you to work on either a pre-nuptial or post-nuptial agreement to legally shield your partner from your liabilities.

• Couples Therapist: A licensed mental health professional can help you both to deal with the emotional fracture in your relationship after you revealed the secret debt. It's best not to avoid dealing with the psychological damage to the relationship because these  problems can harden into deep resentment and mistrust. A couples therapist's role would include:

• De-escalating and Creating Psychological Safety: The couples therapist would set communication boundaries to stop repetitive and toxic argument loops. They reinforce agreements against blame-based language, yelling or bringing up deception as a tool to weaponize for constant punishment.

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

• Managing Emotional Flooding: A high betrayal trauma often leaves the partner who feels betrayed in a state of hypervigilance and, at times, panic. The couples therapist can teach emotional regulation skills and implement structured pauses when sessions become overwhelming or unproductive.

• Validating the Deception Trauma: The clinical focus honors the hurt partner's pain. The therapist ensures that the secretive partner knows that the primary damage is the lying and the concealment--not just the missing money.

• Halting the "Trickle Truth": A major obstacle to healing occurs when the secretive partner admits to hiding a certain amount of debt at first and then, later on, admits that there was even more debt. This continuous drip of information re-traumatizes the betrayed partner each time.

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

• Investigating Each Partner's Relationships to Money: Using a therapeutic model like Emotionally Focused Therapy For Couples (EFT) the therapist helps the couple to look beneath the immediate problem of the debt to examine family-of-origin patterns, childhood financial insecurity or feelings of lack of autonomy in the current relationship.

• Addressing Core Drivers of the Secretive and Deceptive Behavior: The therapist guides the secretive partner to look inward at their capacity for deception. The therapist explores whether the secretive behavior was driven by intense shame, a fear of conflict, severe avoidance or compulsive spending behavior.

• Addressing Other Relevant Issues: Once the air has been cleared, the couples therapist can help the couple to develop verified openness in their relationship. This often involves sharing login information, co-managed budget spreadsheets and notification triggers for banking applications. It also involves setting financial boundaries where the couple establishes a pre-agreed upon threshold that would require a conversation before money is spent. In addition, once trust has been regained, the clinician helps the couple so that they don't remain in a permanent parent-child dynamic where one partner acts like the disciplinarian and the other partner acts like the untrustworthy child. 

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), IFS Parts Work Therapist, Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

Over the years, I have helped many individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles:

Talk to Your Partner About Money 

What is the Connection Between Secrets and Shame? 

Toxic Family Secrets 

What is the Difference Between Privacy and Secrecy in a Relationship?