Getting Help in Trauma Therapy: What Are Traumatic Memories?

This article was revised on September 15, 2026.

People who seek help in trauma therapy often want to know how traumatic memories differ from standard memories.

What Are Traumatic Memories?

Let's start by defining traumatic memories.

What Are Traumatic Memories?

Traumatic memories are vivid, deeply distressing recollections of overwhelming or life threatening experiences.

Unlike regular autobiographical memories, the brain processes and stores traumatic memories as a separate cognitive entity as compared to standard past narratives.

How Are Traumatic Memories Different From Standard Memories?

Ordinary memories function like a cohesive story with a clear beginning, middle and end. However, when a traumatic event occurs, the brain's survival mechanisms alter how the information is stored in the brain:

• Lack of Narrative Structure: Traumatic memories are often highly fragmented, disorganized or temporarily missing from conscious recollection.

• Sensory-Heavy Integration: Traumatic memories are often intensely loaded with sensory data. You might remember a specific smell, a sharp sound, a visual fragment, but you might lose track of the timeline or context.

• The Current Experience: A standard unpleasant memory is recalled as a past experience. However, certain traumatic memories feel like they are happening now rather than being something that occurred in the past. When this occurs, you can feel like you're being emotionally hijacked in the moment--even though it's a memory from the past (see my article: What is Emotional Hijacking?).

How Do Traumatic Memories Manifest?

Because traumatic memories are often stored dynamically in the nervous system, they can surface in certain distinct ways:

• Intrusive Flashbacks: You might have intrusive flashbacks where you have a sudden, involuntary re-experiencing of the event triggered by everyday sights, sounds or smells that are similar to the original trauma.

• Somatic/Bodily Memories: The body can retain physical tension, chronic pain, a racing heart or gastrointestinal distress when you are triggered. This can occur even if you are not consciously thinking about the trauma. 

• Emotional Flashbacks: You might experience a sudden emotional wave of intense fear, helplessness, anger, shame or despair that feels completely disproportionate to your current safe surroundings (see my article: What Are Emotional Flashbacks?).

• Nightmares: Repetitive, disturbing dreams can replay certain aspects of the traumatic event.

How Can You Heal From Traumatic Memories?

Traumatic memories are often "stuck" in a raw, "unmetabolized" state and traditional talk therapy usually isn't sufficient to process these memories.

Trauma therapies are specifically designed to help the brain move the fragments out of survival mode and integrate them into standard autobiographical memory. 

Common evidence-based trauma therapy include:

• EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing): EMDR uses bilateral stimulation to help with processing traumatic memories so these memories lose their charge (see my article: How Does EMDR Therapy Work?).

• SE (Somatic Experiencing): SE focuses on releasing the traumatic energy trapped in the nervous system (see my article: What is Somatic Experiencing?).

• IFS (Internal Family Systems Parts Work Therapy): Traumatic memories are healed by establishing a compassionate internal relationship between your Core Self and the wounded parts of your psyche. This gentle, non-pathologizing approach treats trauma as a system of protective and wounded internal parts of you (see my article: What is Internal Family Systems (IFS) Parts Work Therapy?).

• AEDP (Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy): AEDP heals traumatic memories by processing overwhelming emotions within a safe therapeutic relationship to rewire the brain's trauma response (see my article: What is AEDP and How Does It Heal Trauma?).

Get Help in Trauma Therapy

If you are experiencing emotional trauma, waiting to get help in trauma therapy can cause the trauma to become more entrenched. This can lead to more severe psychological, physical and relational complications over time.

Rather than waiting or struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who is a trauma therapist so you can overcome your trauma and live a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), IFS, Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

As a trauma therapist, I have helped many individual adults and couples over the years.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

I offer a free 15 minute phone call before setting up an appointment.

I see clients in person in my Greenwich Village office in New York City and online.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles:

Reacting to Your Present Circumstances Based on Your Traumatic Past

What is Complex Trauma? 

What is the Difference Between Trauma and Posttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)? 

How Can Unresolved Trauma Affect Your Relationship? 

 

Trauma Therapy: You Can't Change Your History But You Can Change Your Relationship to Your History So You Can Heal

This article was revised on September 15, 2026.

A common misconception about trauma recovery is that therapy won’t work because it cannot change the past. However, the true goal of a trauma therapist isn’t to alter your history, but to transform your relationship to it. By processing deep-seated memories safely, you can stop emotional triggers and unlock genuine, lasting mental health healing.

Change Your Relationship to Your Traumatic History

How Can You Change Your Relationship to Your History of Trauma?

While it's true that you can't go back in time to change your history, you can heal in trauma therapy to reduce or eliminate the impact of traumatic experiences.

Transforming Trauma Into Resilience: Current modalities of trauma therapy can help you to transform trauma into resilience by:

• Acknowledging Your Feelings: Acknowledging the pain instead of suppressing it. This means feeling the pain and completing the trauma healing cycle. It does not include toxic positivity, which is not a genuine response to trauma.

• Developing a Support System: Instead of remaining isolated, you can develop a support system with trusted loved ones or support groups.

• Finding Meaning and Purpose: When you discover activities that align with your values, participating in these activities can provide you with motivation and a direction for your life (see my article: Posttraumatic Growth: Developing a Greater Sense of Hope and Meaning in the Aftermath of Trauma).

• Developing Better Coping Skills: Trauma therapy includes helping clients to develop better coping skills to manage emotions before and after processing trauma.

What is Resilience?

Resilience is the capacity to recovery from stress and trauma rather than avoiding hardship (see my article: Developing Emotional Resilience).

Genuine resilience also means finding new hope and growth after trauma rather than pretending to yourself and others that the trauma made you "stronger" when this isn't how you really feel.

What Are the Different Types of Trauma Therapy?

Safe and effective types of trauma therapy include:

• EMDR Therapy (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing)

• Somatic Experiencing
  

•  IFS (Internal Family Systems/Parts Work)

• AEDP (Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy)

Get Help in Trauma Therapy

If you feel stuck due to your traumatic history, you're not alone.

A skilled trauma therapist can help you to process your traumatic history so you can live a more meaningful life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), IFS Parts Work, Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have over 25 years of experiencing helping individual adults and couples to overcome trauma.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

I offer a free 15 minute phone call before setting up an appointment.

I see clients in person in my Greenwich Village, New York City office or online.

Call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

 

What is Parentification and Why Is It Traumatic?

As a trauma therapist in New York City, I see many clients who come to see me for unresolved trauma grew up as parentified children (see my article: What is the Impact of Parentification on Adult Relationships?).

Why is Parentification Traumatic

What Are Parentified Children?

Parentification is a role reversal between parents and children.

Parentified children are children who grew up taking on adult responsibilities in their family. 

These responsibilities might include:

• Providing emotional support to their parents 

• Taking care of younger siblings as a regular part of their chores

• Taking on major household chores that are normally done by adults

• Taking on the stress of financial problems and other major stressors in the family

• Mediating arguments between their parents and/or other adult family members

• Paying bills

• Making doctor's appointments, and so on

This often occurs when children's parents either can't or won't assume parental responsibilities and they might also unable to take care of themselves.

What Are the Signs of Parentification?

Some of the signs of parentification include:

• Children being praised by their parents and other adults for being "so good" or "so responsible" when they take on tasks beyond their developmental stage

• Children feeling they have to be the peacemakers in the family

• Getting in trouble with their parents when they wanted to engage in children's activities because parents wanted them to stay home to take care of adult responsibilities

• As an adult not being able to remember being allowed to be a child

• As an adult feeling they were given responsibilities beyond their capacity as a child

• As an adult feeling they had to "grow up fast" (beyond their developmental capacities)

• As an adult only feeling comfortable in the role of a caretaker to a partner or spouse 

• As an adult feeling they have to be so "self reliant" to the point of not trusting others, including significant others, to come through for them

Why Causes Parentification?

Parentification can occur for many reasons.

In many instances the parents of parentified children grew up as parentified children themselves so it seems normal and familiar to them.  

Since they were parentified children, these parents might never have learned to manage their emotions because they were preoccupied with taking care of their parents' emotions.  

As a result, it's not unusual to find a long history of parentified children from one generation to the next.

In other instances parents might have mental health or substance abuse problems and they are unable to take on parental responsibilities so one or more of their children take on these responsibilities.

Why is Parentification Traumatic?

Parentified children often feel they are special when they are children because they feel they are helping their parents and often get complimented for it. But, as adults, they might begin to sense that something didn't go right when they were children (see my article: Why is Past Trauma Affecting You Now?).

For instance, when they hear other adults talk about their childhood, many adults who grew up as parentified children sense they missed out on being a child.  For many people this is the beginning of their questioning why they took on their parents' responsibilities and what affect it might have had on them (see my article: How Developmental Trauma Affects How You Feel About Yourself).

Parentification also causes the disruption of the child's natural maturational process which often leads to negative consequences for their long term health and mental health including anxiety and depression and chronic health problems.

In addition, as previously mentioned, parentification often develops into intergenerational trauma as the trauma is perpetuated from one generation to the next.

How Can You Heal From the Trauma of Parentification?

There are specific types of therapy, known as trauma therapy, for parentification and other types of developmental trauma:

• EMDR Therapy (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing)

• Ego States Therapy (similar to Internal Family Systems Therapy or Parts Work Therapy)

• AEDP (Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy)

• Somatic Experiencing Therapy 

Getting Help in Trauma Therapy

Parentification is more common than you might think.

Even though parentification might have been normalized in your family, you might realize it had a negative emotional impact on you.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a qualified trauma therapist so you can overcome trauma and lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

As a trauma therapist with over 25 years of experience, I help individual adults and couples to help them overcome trauma.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

I provide a free 15 minute phone call before setting up an appointment.

I see clients in my office in Greenwich Village, New York City and online.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

What is Complex Trauma?

While a single event, like a car accident or a natural disaster, can cause acute shock trauma, complex trauma refers to a severe psychological condition resulting from chronic, repetitive interpersonal wounds. Often rooted in childhood abuse, profound neglect, or ongoing domestic captivity, complex trauma occurs over an extended period, forcing the individual to develop survival adaptations that impact long-term mental health. As a trauma therapist in New York City, I see firsthand how understanding the multi-layered nature of Complex PTSD (C-PTSD) is the vital first step toward true clinical recovery and systemic healing.

What is Complex Trauma?

According to SAMHSA (Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration), 1 in 7 children experience abuse or neglect.

What Are the Symptoms of Complex Trauma For Adults?

The symptoms of complex trauma can include any of the following:

• Feeling anxious
• Feeling depressed
• Experiencing flashbacks
• Experiencing nightmares
• Avoiding circumstances that remind you of the traumatic events (emotional avoidance)
• Having difficulty managing emotions
• Perceiving yourself in a distorted way
• Feeling worthless
• Avoiding or having difficulty with personal relationships
• Feeling disconnected from yourself or others (a form of dissociation)
• Having problems remembering parts of your childhood 
• Having difficulty providing a comprehensive narrative of your childhood memories, which can include fragmented memories.
• Experiencing sleep problems
• Experiencing sexual problems
• Experiencing medical problems, like Type 2 diabetes
• Feeling body aches, including migraines, stomach and digestive problems, arthritis
• Experiencing low energy or fatigue
• Misusing drugs, alcohol, tobacco, food
• Engaging in other compulsive or impulsive behavior, including compulsive gambling, sexual compulsivity, and other behaviors

Examples of Complex Trauma

Complex trauma usually begins in childhood.  These events are recurrent, overwhelming and longstanding, and they are usually perpetrated by other adults, like family members, family friends, neighbors, clergy, and so on.  These incidents often occur over a span of weeks, months or years.

Examples of complex trauma include:

• Physical abuse

• Emotional abuse

• Sexual abuse (see my article: Overcoming the Trauma of Sexual Abuse)

• Profound child emotional neglect (see my article: What is Childhood Emotional Neglect?)

• Abandonment

• Parentification (role reversal where child takes on the parental role)

• Medical abuse or trauma

• Torture or being held captive

• Living in a war zone or in an area with civil unrest

And so on.

Mind-Body Oriented Psychotherapy For Complex Trauma

The following mind-body oriented therapies are often effective to overcome complex trauma:

• EMDR Therapy which stands for Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (see my article: How EMDR Therapy Works: EMDR and the Brain)

• Somatic Experiencing Therapy (see my article: Trauma Therapy: The Therapeutic Benefits of Somatic Experiencing)

• AEDP, which stands for Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy (see my articles: What is AEDP?  Part 1 and Part 2).

• Hypnotherapy, which is also known as Clinical Hypnosis (see my article: What is Clinical Hypnosis?)

• Parts Work Therapy: Ego States Therapy of Internal Family System (see my article: How Parts Work Can Be Empowering)

Get Help in Therapy

If you are experiencing complex trauma symptoms, you could benefit from working with a trauma therapist (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

Once you have worked through your unresolved trauma, you can lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, IFS, Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I am a trauma therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

I provide a free 15 minute phone call before setting up an appointment.

I see clients in my office in Greenwich Village in New York City and online.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

What Are the Benefits of Sexual Role Play?

As a certified sex therapist, I often recommend sexual role play as a powerful tool to spice up your relationship and introduce exciting, novel intimacy. Exploring your sexual fantasies with a partner can feel intimidating, but it is one of the most effective ways to build trust and passion. (To learn more about the psychology behind this, read my articles: The Power of Novelty to Enhance Your Sex Life and The 7 Core Sexual Fantasies).

Sexual Role Play

What is Sexual Role Play?

First, before I discuss the other benefits, let's define the term "sexual role play."

Sexual role play is when two or more consenting adults act out roles while engaging in sexual activities.  

You can take on whatever persona you want and create whatever sexual scenario--as long as it's consensual among everyone involved.

You and your partner(s) can create a role play that is simple or elaborate depending on the sexual fantasy.

Some people use masks, costumes and other props to enhance the experience.  You can also use music and include backstories for each character.  

A common role play theme is to pretend to be strangers who meet at a bar, flirt and go home together to have passionate sex.

Examples of Sexual Role Play in Films and TV Programs

There are many examples of sexual role play in TV programs and movies.  

For example, a husband and wife role play BDSM (Bondage, Discipline, Dominance, Sadism, Submission, Masochism) scenes in the TV program, Billions, where the wife plays the role of a dominatrix. The husband, who is a high powered attorney general in his everyday life, is the submissive who gets off on being whipped, stepped on and humiliated by his wife (see my article: What is Sexual Power Play?).

There's a wonderful scene in the movie, Wings of the Dove, which draws the viewer in immediately and is a typical sexual role play.  

The film opens with two strangers on a train who make eye contact.  Then, without saying a word, they both mysteriously get off at the same train station--the implication being they're going home together to have hot sex--which they do.  

In the movie, 9 1/2 Weeks, an attractive, mysterious man and a woman meet at a street fair.  He initiates a sexual affair, which includes BDSM role play, where he is the dominant partner and she is the submissive.  The affair, which is sexy and exciting, lasts 9 1/2 weeks (see my article: A Cornerstone of Eroticism: Searching For Power).

What Are the Benefits of Sexual Role Play?

There are many benefits to sexual role play, including:

• Role play can be fun, exciting and sexy.

• Role play allows you to step outside your everyday reality so it frees you to be characters you might have fantasied about but who you don't see yourself as in real life.

• You and your partner(s) get to be adventurous when you explore sexual fantasies.

• Role play offers an opportunity to introduce novelty into your sex life.

• You and your partner(s) can let go and escape your everyday reality (see my article: A Cornerstone of Eroticism: Breaking the Rules).

• Role play creates sexual anticipation so sex is more exciting (see my article: A Cornerstone of Eroticism: Longing and Anticipation).

• You and your partner(s) get to explore aspects of yourselves you might not have explored before, which can be surprising and fun (see my articles: What is Your Erotic Blueprint - Part 1 and Part 2).

• When you take on the role of a character, it can remove some of the guilt and shame you might feel if you enacted these fantasies as yourself.

• Role playing, which is agreed upon beforehand, can enhance trust.

• Role playing allows you to be more assertive or submissive than you normally would be in your everyday life--if you're normally submissive, you can act out a role where you are assertive and if you're normally assertive, you can be submissive (see my article: Destigmatizing Sexual Fantasies of Power and Submission).

• Sexual encounters can be more fulfilling and intimate with role play, so it often brings people closer together.

• Role play provides an opportunity for people in long term relationships to overcome sexual boredom.

Tips For Starting a Conversation About Sexual Role Play

Start by communicating with your partner(s) with these helpful tips.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), IFS, Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples (see my article:  What is Sex Therapy?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

I offer a free 15 minute phone call before setting up an appointment.

I see clients in my office in Greenwich Village, New York City and online.

Call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

The Erotic Equation: Attraction + Obstacles = Excitement

This article was updated on September 15, 2026.

What makes relationships passionate, and why does distance often spark desire? In his book The Erotic Mind, sex therapist Dr. Jack Morin introduces a psychological framework known as the erotic equation, which states that attraction plus obstacles equals excitement. Simply put, the barriers, anticipation, and limits in a relationship are often the exact variables that fuel deep sexual desire and romantic chemistry.

To fully understand this dynamic, it helps to first examine the foundational concepts of the erotic self and how we define eroticism in modern therapy (see my articles: What is Eroticism? and Sexual Pleasure and the Erotic Self).

The Erotic Equation

According to Dr. Morin, for most people sexual desire and arousal are stimulated by the interaction of two forces: An attraction pulls you towards the person you desire, as well as an obstacle that makes the other person compelling, including unavailability or being inappropriate in some way.

Dr. Morin posits that the erotic experience is shaped by this push-pull interaction and the potentially dangerous result (e.g., the possibility of getting hurt by this unavailable and/or inappropriate person).  

He says that people are often most excited by the person they're attracted to when they feel a little off-balance and uncertain, which can bring them to the edge of ecstasy or disaster.  So, the Erotic Equation involves the interaction of impulse and restriction.  

Why Are You Attracted to Certain People?

After talking to hundreds of people, as part of his research, Dr. Morin says there are two main types of attraction: lusty and romantic (see my article:  What Makes So-Called "Bad Boys" So Irresistible?).

With regard to lusty attractions, Dr. Morin posits (and I agree) that lust is a part of erotic health.  At the core of a lusty attraction is a desire for sexual excitement and orgasmic release.  It can be profound, meaningless, playful, hostile or loving.  It can also be intensely animalistic and exhilarating as well as frightening or a combination of these qualities.

Like lusty attractions, romantic attractions can also be compelling and fascinating.  However, whereas lusty attractions are about arousal and orgasm, romantic attractions include a need for a mutually passionate bond.  It also has a deeper goal of the emotional joining of two individuals (not just the physical).

How Do Obstacles Affect Sexual Attractions?

According to Dr. Morin, most people have a stronger response to the person they're attracted to if the attraction is made more difficult by the presence of obstacles that must be overcome.

An example of this kind of obstacle is distance, including physical, emotional and geographic distance.

During an initial encounter, two people often unknowingly play with distance with a flirtatious gaze--looking at the other person and then looking away.  The looking away is what creates momentary distance and excitement.

Flirting is often especially intense when romantic or sexual fulfillment isn't possible.  An example Dr. Morin gives is of two people who are attracted to each other at an airport where each of them is about to board a different plane so they're unavailable to each other.

Another example, which is one I've heard many people talk about, is when someone, who is in a committed relationship, gets much more sexual or romantic attention than they ordinarily would when they were single.  

Part of this is that they're relaxed (compared to someone else who is single and seeking a partner).  But another major factor is their unavailability, which often boosts their erotic appeal to their admirer.

Finding the Optimal Distance to Create Attraction and Excitement

According to Dr. Morin, sexual arousal can be thought of as an electric spark.  If the gap between two people is too large, it's too much distance to bridge and the spark gives out.  But if the gap is too narrow, creating the spark isn't possible.  

So, the couple needs to find the optimal distance to keep the spark alive.  This is especially true in a long term relationship (see my article: To Rekindle Passion in a Relationship Fire Needs Air).

In Dr. Esther Perel's book, Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence, she gives an example of a woman who tells Dr. Perel that, ordinarily, when she looked at her husband, she thought about him as the man who left his dirty socks on the floor.  But one day, when she was at a conference with him and he was standing at a distance from her, she looked at him with new eyes--she saw how handsome and charming he was while he was talking to other people.  

Clients in my private practice in New York City have told me similar stories: A man, who was standing next to his girlfriend in a grocery store, walked to another aisle to find an item.  When he returned to the aisle where his girlfriend was standing at a distance from him, he noticed her attractiveness and sexiness, and he couldn't wait to get her home to make passionate love to her.

In both cases, there seems to be just the right distance where the people look at their significant others differently from how they were looking at them just a few minutes ago.

The same is often true with long distance relationships (see my article: Can a Long Distance Relationship Survive?).  

Distance can increase the passion between two people when they're able to see each other from time to time.  But if there's too much distance and too much time between visits, the ardor can cool off.

Conclusion

The Erotic Equation, which is a term coined by the sex therapist Dr. Jack Morin, indicates that sexual and romantic excitement is often increased by attraction and obstacles.  

There can be many different types of obstacles, including unavailability as well as physical, emotional, and geographic distance. 

In long term relationships, couples often need to find new ways to keep the romantic and sexual spark alive, which can involve looking at your partner with new eyes. This can be facilitated with the optimal amount of distance (see my articles: Have You and Your Spouse Stopped Having Sex? and Reviving Your Sex Life By Exploring Your Peak Erotic Experiences).

Getting Help in Therapy

Rekindling passion in a long term relationship can be challenging.

If you and your partner have been unable the rekindle the passion you once had, you could benefit from working with a couples therapist who has experience helping couples to reignite the passion in their relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, IFS, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have helped many individual adults and couples over the years.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

I see clients in my Greenwich Village, New York City office and online.

I offer a 15 minute free phone call before setting up an appointment.

I see clients in my office in Greenwich Village, New York City and online.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Relationships: The Madonna-Whore Complex is Still Alive and Well Today

This article was updated on September 12, 2026.

What is the Madonna-Whore complex and how does it impact modern relationships? First identified by Sigmund Freud in 1912 and later expanded upon by psychologist Stephen A. Mitchell in his book Can Love Last?, this psychological split is still alive and well today.

Simply put, the complex occurs when a person views individuals as either lovable (the "Madonna") or erotic (the "whore"), but struggles to combine both love and sexual desire within a single partner. In this guide, a certified sex therapist explores the roots of this intimacy barrier and how to heal it.

The Madonna-Whore Complex is Still Alive

According to Freud, men who experience "psychic impotence," which is sexual impotence that occurs due to psychological reasons (as opposed to physical reasons), often experience this split in how they view women as being either a "good woman" or a "whore."

According to Dr. Mitchell, Freud explains this complex as follows:  Where such men love they cannot desire and where they desire they cannot love.  

So, according to Freud, it's love that ultimately causes a reduction in sexual desire for these men. Similarly, when they experience sexual desire for a woman, they have problems loving her. So, therein lies the split.

In other words, these men, who experience this split as a woman being either lovable or erotic, have difficulty integrating their feelings of love and sexual desire for the same woman.  

Needless to say, this complex has serious implications for committed relationships because relationships require both love and sexual desire.

If these men are in a committed relationship with a woman they love, over time their sexual desire for this woman wanes and the sexual relationship feels dull and boring.  Consequently, over time, they also see their wives and girlfriends as being "respectable" but dull, which adds to their sexual boredom in that relationship.

Love Without Sexual Desire and Sexual Desire Without Love

Love without sexual desire can feel tender and emotionally secure, but it lacks the sexual passion needed in a committed relationship.

Sexual desire without love has passion, but it lacks the emotional intimacy and security needed in a committed relationship.

In order to experience sexual excitement, these men need to go outside their relationship to have an affair with a woman they don't love.  Then they're able to experience sexual excitement because they have enough psychological distance and there's enough sexual objectification to get excited.

The Modern Day Version of the Madonna-Whore Complex

Although in Freud's time women who were considered "madonnas" were seen as saintly and women who were considered "whores" were equated with prostitutes, according to Dr. Mitchell, for many men today the modern day Madonna-Whore Complex is a modified version of the one from Freud's Victorian era.

Dr. Mitchell posits that many men currently perceive the woman they're in love with as being "nice," which is equivalent to the Madonna in the Victorian era. These men eventually experience their long term relationship as dull and boring. This is especially true for many men after their wife has a baby.  Unconsciously, these men's feelings towards their wife changes once she becomes a mother (i.e., a "madonna") because they're unable to see her in an erotic way.

The modern day version of the "whore" from Victorian times is now called a "slut" (although this word has been reclaimed by some women).  These men can develop erotic feelings for women they consider "sluts," but they usually can't feel affection for these same women.  Hence, the split between the "nice woman" and the "slut."

The modern version of the Madonna-Whore Complex, from the perspective of men who experience this dynamic, divides women into "nice women" who men marry and "sluts" who are desperate for sex and who can be eroticized for hook ups.  

After a brief time, these men often look down upon the women they hook up with and return to their "nice" girlfriend or wife to repeat the cycle until they feel sexually bored again and act out sexually once again outside the relationship.

Dr. Mitchell provides many case vignettes in his book to show how the modern day version of this misogynistic split plays out in many men's lives today and how it affects their committed relationships.

The Downside of the Madonna-Whore Complex in Relationships

The most notable downside of this phenomenon for relationships is that the longer a couple is together, the less intense their sex life will be.  

Complicating matters, according to Dr. Mitchell, is an over-emphasis on the need for emotional safety and the pull for the opposite--the need for sexual adventure. He explains that an over-emphasis on the need for emotional safety in a long term relationship can lead to a dulling of sexual passion in that relationship.

So, in these cases, sexual passion is sacrificed for emotional safety which makes sex boring in the committed relationship, and it also makes sexual affairs more tempting because these people will seek sexual passion outside the relationship.

The obvious downside for women is that they're not perceived as whole people who can be loved and sexually desired. Also, as previously noted, this complex has an inherent misogynistic bias against women who are either "nice" and boring or "sluts" and exciting (although, eventually, both the "nice" women and the exciting women are degraded in these men's eyes).

Women Can Also Experience the Split Between the Need For Emotional Safety and the Need for Sexual Adventure 

Although the focus in the Madonna-Whore Complex is on heterosexual men, there are also heterosexual women who experience this split.

For instance, a wife, who has a strong need for emotional safety can behave in a nurturing and "motherly" way towards her husband.  This, in turn, de-masculinizes her partner, which makes her feel sexually turned off to him because she has placed him in a childlike role.  

This same woman will see her husband as sexually boring and long for sexual passion outside her relationship.  To make matters worse, a woman who experiences this split usually is unaware that she has created it in much the same way as her male counterpart who experiences the Madonna-Whore Complex.

With regard to these women, to paraphrase Freud: Where she loves, she cannot desire, and where she desires, she cannot love.

It's important to note that this type of split is usually unconscious for both men and women.  Also, when the need for emotional safety leads to an individual de-sexualizing their partner, this is also usually unconscious.

It's equally important to note that, although the Madonna-Whore Complex is common, it's not everyone's experience. There are many people who can have committed long term relationships where they don't experience the split discussed in this article. Instead, they can experience both love and sexual passion with the same person.

In my next article, I'll continue to discuss the Madonna-Whore Complex in relationships: The Paradox of Love and Desire in a Committed Relationship.

Getting Help in Therapy

If you want to change how you relate to a romantic partner or if you recognize that you're caught in a split between emotional safety and sexual adventure, you could benefit from seeking help from a licensed mental health professional who has expertise in this area.

A skilled psychotherapist can help you to have a healthier, more integrated relationship where you can have both love and sexual passion in your committed relationship.

So, rather than struggling on your own, seek help in therapy so you can have a more fulfilling relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, IFS, Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have helped many individual adults and couples over the years.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

I offer a free 15 minute phone call before setting up an appointment.

I see clients in person in my Greenwich Village office in New York City and online.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 or email me.