Your Sexual Orientation and Erotic Orientation Don't Always Match and That's Normal

Many people confuse sexual orientation and erotic orientation, but there's a difference: Whereas your sexual orientation is about how you identify yourself (e.g., gay, lesbian, heterosexual, bisexual, transgender, asexual and so on), your erotic orientation is about what turns you on sexually, including your sexual fantasies.

Sexual vs Erotic Orientation: Heterosexual People Can Have Same-Sex Fantasies

Your Sexual Orientation and Erotic Orientation Don't Always Match and That's Normal

You might think that people's erotic orientation would always be in synch with their sexual orientation, but Dr. Justin Lehmiller, a sex researcher and social psychologist, discovered that this isn't always the case.  Sexual orientation and erotic orientation don't aways match.

Dr. Lehmiller surveyed about 4,000 people about their sexual fantasies, and he published his findings in his book, Tell Me What You Want: The Science of Sexual Desire and How it Can Help You Improve Your Sex Life.  

His findings revealed that sexual and erotic orientations aren't always in synch.  For instance, 59% of heterosexual women indicated that they have sexual fantasies about other women, and 26% of heterosexual men had sexual fantasies about other men (see my article: A Cornerstone of Eroticism: Violating Prohibitions By Breaking the Rules).

The heterosexual women and men who have same-sex fantasies aren't any less heterosexual than other straight people who don't have these fantasies.  It's just means people are turned on by different things and "different" doesn't mean "bad," "wrong" or "abnormal."  It's just different and it's normal.

It's also true that although these people might enjoy these sexual fantasies, they might not ever want to act on them in real life.  They might just want to keep them as fantasies.  But if they wanted to act on them, that would be normal too.

In his book, The Erotic Mind, Dr. Jack Morin discusses core erotic themes and peak erotic experiences (see my articles:  What Are Your Core Erotic Themes?, Discovering Your Peak Erotic Experiences and The Erotic Equation: Attraction + Obstacles = Excitement).

He recognized that many people experience emotional conflict about the difference between their sexual and erotic orientations and, instead of accepting these differences, they feel ashamed.

Dr. Joe Kort, who is the founder and clinical director of the Center for Relationship and Sexual Health in Michigan, also recognizes that many people are afraid of their erotic orientation due to this mismatch and part of the work of a sex therapist is to help these individuals to stop feeling ashamed because this is normal.

Clinical Vignettes

The following clinical vignettes, which are composites with all identifying information removed, illustrates how sexual and erotic orientations can be different and how people can overcome their shame about these differences:

Sam

Although he identified as a heterosexual man and he only ever wanted to date women, Sam was turned on by gay porn.  He kept this a secret for most of his life but, inwardly, he worried about it.  He wondered what it meant about him: Was he really gay and he didn't know it?  This is what brought him into sex therapy.  After he told his sex therapist about being turned on by gay male porn, he felt relieved to tell someone.

Sex Therapy Can Help to Relieve Your Shame About Your Sexual Fantasies

In sex therapy, Sam learned that many heterosexual men were turned on by gay male porn and they, like him, had no desire to have sex with men in real life.  Over time, he learned that the difference between his sexual and erotic orientations was normal, and he stopped worrying about it. 

Betty

Ever since she was a teenager, Betty, who identified as a heterosexual woman, had sexual fantasies about women.  She was so ashamed and confused by these fantasies that she didn't dare to tell anyone--not even her best friend, Alice.  Then, one day, Alice mentioned to Betty that she was sexually attracted to Sara, who was a mutual acquaintance.  Alice admitted to Betty that she often imagined herself having sex with Sara and that this excited her, but she had no intention of following through with her fantasy because she identified as a heterosexual woman and she only wanted to be with men in real life. 

Sexual vs Erotic Orientation: Straight People Can Have Same-Sex Fantasies

When Betty heard this, she was surprised and she admitted to Alice that she also had sexual fantasies about women sometimes--even though she identified as heterosexual.  When Betty and Alice read in Dr. Justin Lehmiller's book that 59% of heterosexual women had same-sex fantasies, they were relieved to know that their experiences were common and normal.

Conclusion

Sexual orientation and erotic orientation don't always match--and that's normal.

Knowing that your experience isn't unusual can help you to realize there's nothing wrong with you and there's no reason for you to feel ashamed.

If the difference between your sexual and erotic orientations is a source of stress and shame for you, you could benefit from working with a sex therapist who has experience helping clients with this issue.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I am a sex positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.