Posts
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| Elevated Erotic Feelings Can Enhance Your Mood For Sex |
- Physical pleasure
- Psychological thrill (see my article: The Thrill of the Chase)
- Emotional fulfillment
- Intimate connection
- Spiritual experience
- Some other benefit derived from sex
- Maxine: To get in the mood to have sex, Maxine needs to feel calm. So, she and her partner, Ed take time before they have sex to do some deep breathing and meditation to overcome the stress of the day and transition into their sexual time together. To enhance her sexual experience, Maxine enjoys when Ed tells her that he loves her. Feeling loved by Ed is Maxine's elevated erotic feeling and it makes sex more pleasurable for her. Feeling challenged is what enhances sex for Ed (his EEF) at times. So, when he tells her he's in the mood to be challenged, Maxine responds by being playful and alternating between seducing him and then pretending to withhold sex. This challenge excites Ed when he's in the mood for it.
- Core Erotic Feeling for Maxine: Feeling Calm
- Elevated Erotic Feeling for Maxine: Feeling loved
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| Elevated Erotic Feelings |
- Roberta: In order to get into the mood to have sex, Roberta needs to feel sexually desirable. So, her partner, Sara, makes sure to let Roberta know she thinks Roberta is beautiful and sexy. This isn't a problem at all for Sara because she genuinely feels that way. Sara is someone who is in the mood for sex regardless of whatever emotions she's experiencing at the moment, so she doesn't need to focus on a CEF or EEF. However, she knows that Roberta's elevated erotic feeling (EEF) is taking a risk (when Roberta is in the mood for this). So, they sometimes come up with ways to make sex more exciting for Roberta, like camping out in a tent in their backyard. They have privacy in their tent and they know that no one can really see them. But even the thought that a neighbor who looks out the window might think Roberta and Sara are having sex feels risky enough to get Roberta even more sexually excited.
- Core Erotic Feeling For Roberta: Feeling Sexually Desirable
- Elevated Erotic Feeling For Roberta: Taking a Risk
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| Elevated Erotic Feelings |
- Tod: Tod's core erotic feeling is being playful. So, his partner, Mike includes an element of playfulness when they have sex. He knows that when he and Tod laugh and tease each other, Tod gets turned on. There are also times when Tod wants to take it to the next level and he lets Mike know that he wants to be surprised. So, Mike surprises him by including new sex toys that get Tod excited. Sometimes Tod likes the thrill of being blindfolded when Mike uses different sexual props, like feathers, to enhance the physical thrill. Mike tends to be in the mood for sex most of the time, so he's not focused on a CEF or EEF.
- Core Erotic Feeling For Tod: Feeling Playful
- Elevated Erotic Feeling For Tod: Being Surprised
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| Elevated Erotic Feelings |
Sexual Turn-ons and Fantasies Don't Always Coincide With Your Usual Values and Beliefs
What turns on certain people behind closed doors might not align with their usual values and beliefs in everyday life. This relates to the internal contradictions and paradoxes mentioned above.
For some people, this creates inner conflict, guilt and shame because they might not understand that internally each of us is made up of a multiplicity of selves (see my article: Understanding the Different Aspects of Yourself That Make You Who You Are).
They might also feel like they're being hypocrites to feel one way in their everyday daily life outside the bedroom versus how they feel sexually behind closed doors.
According to Dr. Justin Lehmiller, a Kinsey sex researcher and social psychologist, there might not be a particular reason why someone has a sexual fantasy that's contradictory to their everyday beliefs and values. However, for some people, their sexual fantasies are related to their particular emotional needs.
More about this in a future article.
Conclusion
Core erotic feelings are the emotions a person needs to feel to get into the mood for sex, and elevated erotic feelings enhance and intensify sex, according to Dr. O'Reilly.
Although core erotic feelings tend to be stable, they can also change over time.
Elevated erotic feelings can vary from day to day depending on what a person needs to intensify sexual arousal at any given time.
Getting to know what you need to feel sexual (your CEF) and what enhances sex for you (your EEF) can make your sex life more pleasurable.
Communication between you and your partners(s) about what each of you needs can enhance partnered sex.
Getting Help in Sex Therapy
Sometimes guilt and shame get in the way of sexual pleasure.
If you have been unable to work through these issues, you could benefit from seeking help from a sex therapist.
About Me
I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.
I am a sex positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).
To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.
To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.
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