Creating Your Sexual Menu With a Yes, No, Maybe List

Many clients who come to see me for sex therapy talk about how intimidating it is when their partner(s) ask them what they like to do sexually. This is daunting for many people whether it's a new relationship or a long term relationship (see my article: Finding Your Sexual Voice).

It's not just that they find it difficult to talk about sex, which can be hard for many people, it's also that they don't know what they like sexually and might not have ever thought about it before (see my articles: How to Talk About Sex - Part 1 and Part 2).

Creating Your Sexual Menu With a Yes, No, Maybe List

Know That You're Not Alone

A lot of people assume everyone else knows what they like to do sexually and they're having swinging-off-the chandelier sex every night.  So, when they hear that being unsure about what's sexually pleasurable is a common problem for many people, they're relieved.  

The first step for many sex therapy clients is to overcome their fear, shame and guilt about sex so they can start to get curious about what they like without judgment (see my article: Exploring Sexual Fantasies Without Guilt or Shame).

Creating Your Sexual Menu With a Yes, No, Maybe List

This is no easy task.  It often means overcoming whatever negative messages they got in their family of origin, their culture or religion where talking about sex was either forbidden or shrouded in mystery.  It can also mean overcome the traumatic effects of sexual abuse.

The next step in the process for many sex therapy clients is to get curious about what they like, don't like or might like to try (see my article: Sexual Pleasure and the Erotic Self).

Depending upon what you're curious about, this could mean exploring beyond whatever sexual experiences you've had so far.

So, for example, for a heterosexual man or woman who has only experienced penis-in-vagina (PIV) sex in the traditional missionary position, this could mean getting curious about other sexual positions or exploring non-penetrative sex, which is often referred to as "outercourse" (see my articles: What is Your Sexual Script? and Changing Your Sexual Script).

Once sex therapy clients give themselves permission to get curious and even feel excited about other sexual possibilities beyond their personal experience, they're often ready to think about and explore many other sexual possibilities.

There is no one-size-fits-all approach in sex therapy for everyone, so there are many ways to explore sexual possibilities.  

Your particular sexual exploration will probably be different from someone else's depending upon many factors including whether you're questioning your sexual orientation or gender, what your experiences have been so far, whether you're in a relationship or relationships and what kind of relationship(s) you're in, if you tend to be cautious or bold, how your attachment style affects you sexually and many other issues (see my article: What is Consensual Non-Monogamy?).

The point is that you and your sex therapist can tailor a sex therapy approach based on your particular needs.

Sex Education in the U.S. is Inadequate at Best

Before we go on, I want to say a word or two about sex education in the U.S.

Unfortunately, most adults didn't get adequate sex education in school--assuming they got any sex ed at all.  This is because most sex education is focused on the negative aspects of sex, including avoiding getting a sexually transmitted infection (STI), avoiding pregnancy and so on.

It's not that these issues aren't important because they certainly are.  It's just that sex is so much more than avoiding negative consequences.  It's also about pleasure, which isn't covered in a most sex ed programs in the United States or in many other countries as of this writing.

How Can You Begin to Explore Sexual Possibilities?

Before you can create a sexual menu for yourself, which I'll discuss in Part 2 of this topic, you need to know about what types of sexual possibilities exist, so it helps if you do some exploration on your own.

The following are a few possibilities for exploring sexual possibilities you might like:

• Watching Ethical Pornography: Traditional pornography gives very skewed, misogynistic and misleading information about sex. Aside from that, traditional porn has been known to include underage actors and victims of sex trafficking who are forced to make these videos against their will.  In addition, it's important to remember that actors in traditional pornography are acting based on what the makers of these videos think most men want so this often doesn't include what women might like. On the other hand, ethical porn, which is often made by women who are feminists, usually gives a more realistic portrayal of sex and includes not just what men might like sexually but also what many women might like. The following list includes ethical porn sites in no particular order and no personal preference on my part. These sites are considered sex positive sites (see my article: What is Ethical Porn?)

• Bellesca: This site is designed to help women explore their sexuality in a diverse  atmosphere where they are respected and valued in their own right.  Women are celebrated and not portrayed solely as sexual objects to be conquered.

Creating Your Sexual Menu With a Yes, No, Maybe List

• Lust Cinema: Developed by filmmaker and feminist, Erika Lust, this site portrays sex with diverse bodies, genders, age, racial identities and sexual preferences.

• Make Love Not Porn: Cindy Gallop makes films that portray sex in real life that takes into account diversity with realistic scenes instead of the contrived portrayals in traditional porn.

• Reading Erotica: There is so much variety in erotica today. A basic Google search will provide a lot of information about erotica you can read or, if you prefer, you can listen to on sites like Dipsea.

Creating Your Sexual Menu With a Yes, No, Maybe List

• Creating a List of Your Peak Erotic Experiences and Core Erotic Themes: If you have had exciting sexual experiences with your current partner(s) or prior partners, you can make a list of the experiences you enjoyed the most to understand what you liked and what else you might be curious about (see my articles: What is Eroticism?, What Are Your Core Erotic Themes? and Discovering Your Peak Erotic Experiences).

• Listening to Sex Podcasts: There are many excellent sex podcasts that provide sex education, including:

• Sex and Psychology podcast
• Sex with Dr. Jess
• Sexology Podcast
• Sex with Emily
• Sluts and Scholars
• Foreplay Radio
• Ester Perel's Where Should We Begin? 
• Pillow Talks (Vanessa and Xander Marin)

• Exploring Examples of Other Yes, No, Maybe Lists: If the thought of creating your own Yes, No, Maybe list feels too intimidating, you might find it helpful to explore examples of other Yes, No, Maybe Lists created by sex therapists and sex coaches. Be aware that these lists are made up for a diverse population and everything on there might not be to your liking, but it might pique your curiosity and give you ideas about what you might want to include on your own list:

• William Lynch, Will Sex Coach Yes, No, Maybe Checklist: https://willsexcoach.weebly.com/uploads/1/2/4/6/124623137/yes_no_maybe_checklist.pdf

• A.E. Osworth, You Need Help: Here is a worksheet to help you talk to partners about sex: https://www.autostraddle.com/you-need-help-here-is-a-worksheet-to-help-you-talk-to-partners-about-sex-237385/

• Diana Sadat Counseling, Yes/No/Maybe Activity: https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5b162a5675f9ee6cc62c56b5/t/5bc6b816104c7bf5cc8c31f9/1539749911565/Yes%3ANo%3AMaybe+So+Activity+-+Diana+Sadat+Counselling.pdf

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

Sex therapy is a form of talk therapy for individuals and couples of all ages, races, sexual orientations, genders and diverse backgrounds (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).

There is no physical exam, nudity or sex during sex therapy sessions (see my article: What Are Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?).

Individuals and couples come to sex therapy for a variety of reasons (see my article: What Are Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?).

A skilled sex therapist can help you overcome the obstacles that keep you from enjoying sex, so if you're struggling with sexual issues, seek help in sex therapy sooner rather than later so you can have a more fulfilling sex life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a sex positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

What is Sexual Self Esteem?

Most people are familiar with the concept of self esteem, which is how you see yourself in terms of deserving love and being capable of handling life's many challenges.

Sexual Self Esteem

As it turns out, self esteem affects every area of your life:

• How you feel about yourself
• What you feel you deserve
• How lovable/unlovable you feel
• Whether you get into healthy or unhealthy relationships
• What career choices you make
• How you feel about yourself sexually

What is Sexual Self Esteem?

We are all sexual beings.

Sexual Self Esteem

Sexual self esteem includes: 

• How sexually attuned you are to your body

• Whether your relationship to your body is positive, negative or a mix

• Your openness to sexual self discovery

• Whether you see yourself as a sexually appealing individual

• Whether you believe you deserve a satisfying and enjoyable sex life

• Whether you feel sexually confident

• How capable you feel about giving yourself sexual pleasure during solo sex/masturbation

• How much sexual confidence you feel when you're having sex with your sexual partner(s)

• Whether you make healthy sexual choices, which is part of high sexual self esteem, or poor sexual choices, which is part of low sexual self esteem.  

What Factors Affect Your Sexual Self Esteem?

Your sexual self esteem can be affected by:

• What your psychological and emotional history in your family of origin

• Whether you were taught that you are a lovable, capable person who deserves to be happy

• What your sexual developmental history was including, among other things:
• How you learned about sex and what you were taught

• What you were taught about your sexuality and your body

• Whether sexual boundaries in your family and with others were healthy or unhealthy

• Whether you were sexually, physically or emotionally abused

• What you experienced in your prior sexual and romantic relationships

• Whether or not you had positive experiences in your first romantic and sexual relationships 
  
  
• Other related issues

How Does Your Self Esteem Affect Your Sexuality?

• Your Sexual Choices: People with high sexual esteem usually make positive choices, and people with low sexual self esteem often make poor choices. An example of a poor choice might be going along with a sexual partner's wish not to practice safe sex when you really wanted to be safe.

• Self Confidence: You're more likely to have a satisfying sex life when your self confidence is high.  This includes both solo sex and partner sex.

• Body Image: Whereas having high sexual self esteem allows you to generally have a positive regard for your body, having low sexual self esteem can make you feel self conscious about your body image.

Sexual Self Esteem Can Change Over the Course of Your Life

Sexual self esteem can change over time--from negative to positive as well as from positive to negative.

Most of us are bombarded by images and concepts on social media, magazines, television and other outside sources about what is considered beautiful or sexy, which leads to unhealthy comparisons.

Sexual Self Esteem and the Aging Process

The aging process can be a positive or a negative factor in terms of sexual self esteem.  If a person derives their sexual self confidence based on sources outside him or herself, their sexual self confidence can suffer, especially if they allow negative concepts about aging and attractiveness to affect them.

Sexual Self Esteem and the Aging Process

Being able to maintain a positive self regard for your inner qualities as well as cherishing your body and overall sexuality will help you to develop and maintain a high degree of sexual self esteem.

Developing Healthy Sexual Self Esteem

There are steps you can take on your own to bolster your sexual self esteem, including

• Monitoring your internal dialogue about yourself and being aware of negative self talk

• Keeping a journal to express how you feel about yourself sexually

• Being aware of peak erotic experiences that gave you sexual pleasure--whether they were alone or with partners

• Educating yourself about sexuality through books, podcasts or other forms of healthy sex education

• Developing an awareness of your erotic orientation

• Developing an awareness of your erotic blueprint

• Understanding your sexual turn-ons and turn-offs alone and with partners

• Getting to know your emotional aphrodisiacs

• Being aware of what you're willing and unwilling to do sexually and being able to communicate that to sexual partners

• Focusing on sexual pleasure and not sexual performance both in solo sex and in partner sex

When to Seek Help in Sex Therapy

If you have been unable to increase your sexual confidence on your own with self help techniques, you could benefit from help in sex therapy.

Sex therapy is a form of psychotherapy, also known as talk therapy, where the sex therapist focuses on the sexual issues of individuals and people in relationships. 

There is no physical exam, nudity or physical touch involved in sex therapy (see my articles: What is Sex Therapy? and Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy).

You deserve to have a fulfilling sex life.

You can free yourself of the obstacles that are keeping you from having a fulfilling sex life when you work with a skilled sex therapist.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a sex positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Elevated Erotic Feelings Can Enhance Your Mood For Sex

In my prior article, Core Erotic Feelings: What Emotions Help You to Get in the Mood For Sex?, I began a discussion about core erotic feelings (CEF) mentioned in a book by Dr. Jessica O'Reilly and Marla Renee Stewart MA called The Ultimate Guide to Seduction and Foreplay.  In the current article, I'm focusing on another idea from this book called elevated erotic feelings (EEF).

Elevated Erotic Feelings Can Enhance Your Mood For Sex

What Are Elevated Erotic Feelings (EEF)?

Whereas core erotic feelings (CEF) are the particular emotions you need to get in the mood for sex, elevated erotic feelings are what enhance the sexual experience, according to Dr. O'Reilly (see my article: What is Eroticism?).

She indicates that elevated erotic feelings (EEF) make the sexual feelings more intense in a specific way and could be related to:

• Physical pleasure
• Psychological thrill (see my article: The Thrill of the Chase)
• Emotional fulfillment
• Intimate connection
• Spiritual experience
• Some other benefit derived from sex

According to Dr. O'Reilly, core erotic feelings tend to be fairly stable, but they can also change over time.  

In contrast, elevated erotic feelings (EEF) often vary within the same time period, which means one day you might need a particular EEF and the next day you might need a different one.

As I mentioned in my previous article, there are some people who tend to be in the mood for sex most of the time, so they don't need to focus on a CEF or EEF.  Some of the examples below illustrate this point.

Examples of Elevated Erotic Feelings (EEF)

The following examples, which are fictionalized scenarios, illustrate both CEF and EEF, and how EEF can take a sexual experience to the next level:

• Maxine: To get in the mood to have sex, Maxine needs to feel calm.  So, she and her partner, Ed take time before they have sex to do some deep breathing and meditation to overcome the stress of the day and transition into their sexual time together.  To enhance her sexual experience, Maxine enjoys when Ed tells her that he loves her.  Feeling loved by Ed is Maxine's elevated erotic feeling and it makes sex more pleasurable for her.  Feeling challenged is what enhances sex for Ed (his EEF) at times.  So, when he tells her he's in the mood to be challenged, Maxine responds by being playful and alternating between seducing him and then pretending to withhold sex.  This challenge excites Ed when he's in the mood for it.
• Core Erotic Feeling for Maxine: Feeling Calm
• Elevated Erotic Feeling for Maxine: Feeling loved

Elevated Erotic Feelings

• Roberta: In order to get into the mood to have sex, Roberta needs to feel sexually desirable.  So, her partner, Sara, makes sure to let Roberta know she thinks Roberta is beautiful and sexy.  This isn't a problem at all for Sara because she genuinely feels that way.  Sara is someone who is in the mood for sex regardless of whatever emotions she's experiencing at the moment, so she doesn't need to focus on a CEF or EEF.  However, she knows that Roberta's elevated erotic feeling (EEF) is taking a risk (when Roberta is in the mood for this).  So, they sometimes come up with ways to make sex more exciting for Roberta, like camping out in a tent in their backyard.  They have privacy in their tent and they know that no one can really see them. But even the thought that a neighbor who looks out the window might think Roberta and Sara are having sex feels risky enough to get Roberta even more sexually excited.  
• Core Erotic Feeling For Roberta:  Feeling Sexually Desirable
• Elevated Erotic Feeling For Roberta: Taking a Risk

Elevated Erotic Feelings

• Tod: Tod's core erotic feeling is being playful.  So, his partner, Mike includes an element of playfulness when they have sex.  He knows that when he and Tod laugh and tease each other, Tod gets turned on.  There are also times when Tod wants to take it to the next level and he lets Mike know that he wants to be surprised.  So, Mike surprises him by including new sex toys that get Tod excited.  Sometimes Tod likes the thrill of being blindfolded when Mike uses different sexual props, like feathers, to enhance the physical thrill.  Mike tends to be in the mood for sex most of the time, so he's not focused on a CEF or EEF.
• Core Erotic Feeling For Tod: Feeling Playful
• Elevated Erotic Feeling For Tod: Being Surprised

Elevated Erotic Feelings

In the examples above, these individuals have communicated beforehand what they need to get sexually aroused (their CEF) and what will enhance the experience (their EEF), except in the cases where one of the partners doesn't need EEF or CEF to get sexually aroused.

Each person also needs to be attuned to their partner to know what they need at any given time to make sex more pleasurable for them.

Dr. Jack Morin's Book: The Erotic Mind

Many of the concepts in Dr. O'Reilly's book bring to mind Dr. Jack Morin's ideas about core erotic themes and peak erotic experiences from his book, The Erotic Mind.  See my articles related to the topics in Dr. Morin's book:

The Erotic Equation: Attraction + Obstacles = Excitement

What Are Your Core Erotic Themes?

Reviving Your Sex Life With Peak Erotic Experiences

What Are the Four Cornerstones of Eroticism?

In The Erotic Mind, Dr. Morin also discusses the four cornerstones of eroticism.  See links below for my articles which explain each of these cornerstones:

• Longing and Anticipation
  
• Violating Prohibitions By Breaking the Rules
  
• Searching For Power
  
• Overcoming Ambivalence

What Are Emotional Aphrodisiacs?

According to Dr. Jack Morin, there are also emotional aphrodisiacs.  Surprisingly, some of them might not be what you would expect because they have a paradoxical effect on the person who is turned on by them.  See my links below for my articles about emotional aphrodisiacs and their paradoxical effect (see my article: Embracing Your Internal Contradictions and Paradoxes):

What Are Emotional Aphrodisiacs?

Anger as an Emotional Aphrodisiac

Guilt as an Emotional Aphrodisiac

Anxiety as an Emotional Aphrodisiac

Sexual Turn-ons and Fantasies Don't Always Coincide With Your Usual Values and Beliefs

What turns on certain people behind closed doors might not align with their usual values and beliefs in everyday life.  This relates to the internal contradictions and paradoxes mentioned above.

For some people, this creates inner conflict, guilt and shame because they might not understand that internally each of us is made up of a multiplicity of selves (see my article: Understanding the Different Aspects of Yourself That Make You Who You Are).

They might also feel like they're being hypocrites to feel one way in their everyday daily life outside the bedroom versus how they feel sexually behind closed doors.

According to Dr. Justin Lehmiller, a Kinsey sex researcher and social psychologist, there might not be a particular reason why someone has a sexual fantasy that's contradictory to their everyday beliefs and values.  However, for some people, their sexual fantasies are related to their particular emotional needs.  

More about this in a future article.

Conclusion

Core erotic feelings are the emotions a person needs to feel to get into the mood for sex, and elevated erotic feelings enhance and intensify sex, according to Dr. O'Reilly.

Although core erotic feelings tend to be stable, they can also change over time.  

Elevated erotic feelings can vary from day to day depending on what a person needs to intensify sexual arousal at any given time.

Getting to know what you need to feel sexual (your CEF) and what enhances sex for you (your EEF) can make your sex life more pleasurable.

Communication between you and your partners(s) about what each of you needs can enhance partnered sex.

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

Sometimes guilt and shame get in the way of sexual pleasure.  

If you have been unable to work through these issues, you could benefit from seeking help from a sex therapist.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I am a sex positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Core Erotic Feelings: What Emotions Help You to Get in the Mood For Sex?

In the book, The Ultimate Guide to Seduction and Foreplay - Techniques and Strategies For Mind-Blowing Sex by Jessica O'Reilly, Ph.D. and Marla Renee Stewart, MA, there is a fascinating chapter about core erotic feelings (CEF), which is the subject of this article (see my articles: Sexual Pleasure and the Erotic Self and What is Your Erotic Blueprint?).

Discovering Your Core Erotic Feelings

The main author, Dr. O'Reilly, who lives in Canada, is also known for her popular podcast, "Sex With Dr. Jess."  She is a sexologist who promotes healthy and pleasurable sex.  She also appears on television.  

Her theory about core erotic feelings reminds me of the work of sex therapist and researcher Dr. Jack Morin who wrote about core erotic themes and peak sexual experiences in his book, The Erotic Mind (see my articles: Discovering Your Peak Erotic Experiences and Reviving Your Sex Life With Your Peak Erotic Experiences).

What Are Core Erotic Feelings?

According to Dr. O'Reilly, to get into the mood for sex, it's not just about what you say or do--it's also about how you feel, which are your core erotic feelings (CEF). She indicates that CEF are a prerequisite for getting into the mood for sex.

Everyone is different, so what might be a CEF for you might not be a CEF for others.  When you're able to identify your own and your partner's CEF, you can have an impact on your sexual dynamics.

Dr. O'Reilly posits that your CEF is an essential part of who you are, and although it can change over time, it often remains the same.

According to Dr. O'Reilly, some common CEFs are feeling

• Desirable (this is a common CEF for women)
• Powerful
• Vulnerable
• Happy 
• Confident
• Sexy
• Loved
• Safe
• Stressed
• Challenged
• Playful
• Subjugated
• Serene
• Excited
• Calm
• Comfortable
• Passionate
• Liberated

The CEFs listed above are just a short list.   There are many others.

How Can You Discover Your Core Erotic Feeling (CEF)?

To discover your CEF, it helps if you: 

• Think back to how you felt emotionally during a peak erotic experience
• Spend time thinking and writing about this experience in your private journal, including what made it pleasurable for you and the emotion involved.

• Remember a sexual fantasy that gave you pleasure and remember what emotion you were feeling
• Remember a favorite sexual fantasy.  Ask yourself what makes it especially pleasurable. Spend time writing about it in your private journal and include the emotion involved.

Examples of Peak Erotic Sexual Experiences and the Related Core Erotic Feelings 

The following are common examples of CEFs that illustrate what you can discover about yourself when you think back to pleasurable sexual experiences and fantasies (all the names and identifying information have been changed to protect confidentiality).  

Remember there is no right or wrong answer, and everyone is different in terms of what emotions are involved that get them turned on.

Mary:  

When I got home from a stressful day at work on a Friday night, I was greeted by my husband, who gave me a passionate kiss and handed me a glass of my favorite red wine.  He told me he arranged for our children to spend the weekend with his parents so we could have a sexy, romantic weekend together.  We had not had a weekend to ourselves in months, so I felt myself relaxing as soon as I heard we were alone.  

Discovering Your Core Erotic Feelings

He led me into the bathroom where the tub was filled with my favorite bubble bath.  Then, he slowly undressed me as he kissed me and told me how lucky he felt to have such a sexy wife.  Then, feeling like a queen, I stepped into the sensualness of the bubble bath.  After I soaked for a bit and allowed the tension of the day to dissolve, I asked him to join me, and he did.  This was the beginning of a wonderful romantic, sexy weekend.

• Core Erotic Feeling: Feeling Sexy 

Adie:  

On our one-year anniversary, my partner, Vickie, rented a room in one of our favorite bed and breakfast inns where we had a romantic dinner.  After dinner, we went to our cozy Victorian room, which had a fireplace in the living room and the bedroom.  We cuddled by the fire in the living room and drank champagne to celebrate our anniversary.  

Discovering Your Core Erotic Feelings

Eventually, we made our way to the bedroom where Vickie lit candles and put on my favorite song, a romantic jazzy song by Ella Fitzgerald that we considered "our song" because it was playing the night when we met.  Then, we both got undressed and she gave me one of the best massages I've ever had in my life.  I was so relaxed that I just melted in her arms and we made love.

• Core Erotic Feeling: Feeling Loved

Ted:  

I met my girlfriend, Jane, at our favorite French restaurant in Manhattan.  I had just left a contentious work meeting where my confidence took a hit when the one of my colleagues criticized an idea I proposed at the meeting.  I was still consumed with how deflated and stressed I felt at the meeting when I walked into the restaurant and saw Jane sitting at the bar.  I was afraid I would be so distracted by my work-related worries that I wouldn't be able to enjoy the evening with Jane.  

Discovering Your Core Erotic Feelings

But when I approached her, I saw she looked amazing.  She was wearing a beautiful sexy black dress, and I knew she had gotten dressed up just for me, which made me feel great.  I was about to greet her when she turned to me with a seductive look and said in a low voice, "I've never seen you here before, but I definitely want to get to know you." I realized she wanted to do a sexy role play where we were two strangers who met at a bar.  Before I could say anything, she leaned over and whispered dirty talk into my ear, which really turned me on.  We never got to have dinner that night because we were back home having some of the best sex of our lives 20 minutes later (see my article: What Are the Benefits of Sexual Role Play?).

• Core Erotic Feelings: Feeling Sexually Desirable and Powerful

Examples of Sexual Fantasies and Core Erotic Feelings (CEF) 

As mentioned previously, you can discover your CEF through your favorite sexual fantasies, as illustrated by the composite examples below (all identifying information removed):

John: 

There's a beautiful waitress in a restaurant close to my apartment.  In reality, she's always friendly but professional.  She's never made a pass at me and I have never flirted with her.  I can barely speak whenever she comes to take my order, and my friends tease me about this.  But in my fantasy, she invites me to see the catering room in the back.  She seems like her usual self--until we're alone in the room.  Then, she's all over me and we end up on the floor having passionate sex.  

• Core Erotic Feelings: Feeling Excited and Confident

Bill:  

There are two attractive gay men who own a men's clothing store in my neighborhood.  They're also in a relationship together. In reality, they have always been helpful and professional.  They have never crossed a sexual boundary with me, but I'm secretly attracted to both of them.  In my fantasy, one of the men comes into the large dressing room where I'm trying on clothes.  No one else is around.  He winks at me and then he kisses me on the mouth.  Soon he's undressing me and we're rolling around the floor.  

Discovering Your Core Erotic Feelings

Suddenly, his lover comes in, discovers us on top of each other and looks angry.  But to my surprise, he says to his partner, "Why wasn't I invited to the party?"  Then, we're all in a heap on the floor rolling all over each other.

• Core Erotic Feelings: Feeling Playful and Excited

What Detracts From Your Core Erotic Feeling (CEF)?

Even if you know what emotions get you turned on, you might have certain experiences or other conflicting emotions that detract from your CEF, including:

• Stress
• Guilt
• Shame
• Anger
• Jealousy
• Envy
• Sleep deprivation
• Hunger
• Unresolved trauma
• Your Roles: An example of this would be a woman with children who has difficulty transitioning from being mother during the day to a sexy woman with her partner at night.  She might need a transitional time to let go of her role as a mother to feel like a sexual being with her partner.

The examples listed above are only a few of the emotions and experiences that can detract from your CEFs. 

What Changes Do You Need to Make to Experience Your Core Erotic Feelings?

Identifying what gets in the way of your CEF is the first step in making the necessary changes.

For example, if you know that stress is a major obstacle in terms of experiencing your CEF, you might need to experiment with different ways to de-stress and transition into a sexual mindset.

There might be limitations to what you can do for certain situations.  For instance, if you have a young child who gets up in the middle of the night and comes into the bedroom where you and your partner are hoping for some privacy to have sex, you might have to get more creative.  

Similar to one of the examples above, if possible, you might ask your parents or your in-laws if your child can occasionally spend the night with them so you and your partner can have privacy.

Exploring Your Partner's Core Erotic Feelings

If you're in a relationship, you can communicate with your partner about what you need to feel emotionally to get turned on.  

You can also be open and get curious about what emotions are involved with your partner getting turned on.  If your partner is open to it, encourage him or her to discover their own CEF by thinking about their peak erotic experiences and sexual fantasies and identifying the emotions involved.

Once you have shared your CEFs with each other, you can have fun finding ways to stimulate these feelings in each other.

Some People Tend to Be in the Mood For Sex Regardless of Their Emotions

There are some people who, regardless of their mood, are ready to have sex at the drop of a hat.  Whether they're happy, sad, angry or stressed out, their emotions don't affect their mood for sex.  These people don't usually need to pay so much attention to their emotions because, when it comes to sex, they're ready.  

For everyone else, knowing what core erotic feelings gets them in the mood helps them to have a better experience and to communicate their needs to their partner(s).

Recommendation: The Sexual Excitement Survey (SES)

In the Appendix of The Erotic Mind by Dr. Morin, there is a Sexual Excitement Survey (SES) that you can take.  

By completing this survey (privately for yourself), you can stimulate ideas about your peak erotic experiences.  

If you have a partner, you and your partner can take the survey and share your results if you feel comfortable.

Part 1 is about your most memorable peak erotic experiences and Part 2 is about your sexual fantasies.

Next Article: 

In my next article, I'll focus on another fascinating chapter in Dr. O'Reilly's book: Elevated Erotic Feelings (see my article: Elevated Erotic Feelings Can Enhance Your Mood For Sex).

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

If you are unable to access your core erotic feelings due to a history of unresolved trauma, you could benefit from working with a licensed psychotherapist who has an expertise in trauma therapy as well as sex therapy.  

Freeing yourself from your traumatic history can help you to lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I am a sex positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?)

My specialties include sex therapy and trauma therapy (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Sexual Wellness: Discovering Your Peak Sexual Experiences

In the past, I've discussed exploring your sexual fantasies as a way to discover what you like sexually.  In this article, I'm offering a writing exercise to delve deeper to discover your peak sexual experiences (see my articles: Sexual Pleasure and Discovering Your Erotic Self, Exploring Sexual Fantasies Without Shame and Guilt, 7 Core Sexual Fantasies and Women's Sexual Self Discovery).

Discovering Your Peak Sexual Experiences

For many people thinking about peak sexual experiences (or any sexual experiences) is easier said than done. Shame and guilt, which are often related to religious or cultural taboos or to a strict upbringing where sex wasn't discussed, are often major obstacles (see my article: Understanding Your Sexual Accelerators and Brakes).

As a result, many individuals don't allow themselves to have sexual fantasies or if they realize they're having a sexual fantasy, they shut it down before the fantasy has time to develop.  So, in situations like this, the process of sexual self discovery can involve seeking help in therapy (see the section below on Getting Help in Therapy).

Discovering Your Peak Erotic Experiences

Assuming you feel comfortable enough to explore what you want sexually, one way to begin this exploration is by thinking back to sexual experiences or fantasies you've had in the past to discover your peak sexual experiences (see my articles: Reviving Your Sex Life By Learning About Your Peak Sexual Experiences and The 2021 Self Pleasure Survey).

As I mentioned in my prior article, Dr. Jack Morin, who wrote The Erotic Mind: Unlocking the Inner Sources of Passion and Fulfillment, recommends remembering your peak sexual experiences as one way to discover what you like sexually.

Thinking back to memories of peak sexual experiences allows you to define and explore what you enjoyed sexually.  

Writing about it in a journal, which you keep in a private place, allows you to delve deeper to provide yourself with more details about these experiences.

What Were Your Most Satisfying Sexual Experiences?

Take your time to think about these memories and when you write about them, give as much detail as possible on each one, including:

• What was the situation?

• Who were you with?

• Where were you?

• What sexual activities were you engaged in at the time (be specific)?

• What got you sexually turned on?

• What were you thinking?

• What were you feeling emotionally?

What sensations were you experiencing?

• What did you see?
• What did you hear? 
• What did you feel (physical sensations)
• What did you smell?
• What did you taste?

If you're having problems remembering the details, one way you can enhance your memories is by listening to music from that time.  

Sound can be evocative.  For instance, if your memories are from a different time in your life, what were some of the songs you liked listening to at that time?

Similarly, smell can be evocative.  For example, if you or your partner in your memory wore a certain cologne or aftershave, smelling that scent can bring you back to that memory in a deeper way.  Another example of scent could be your partner's personal scent.

After you've written down your peak sexual experiences, read them to yourself to get a sense of whether there are particular themes.

Making connections between themes you discover in your memories can give you more information about what you like.

For instance, according to Dr. Morin, sexual attraction plus obstacles often lead to sexual excitement, so think about whether there were particular obstacles to overcome or a forbidden  quality to any of these experiences that made these experiences exciting.

I'll continue to discuss this topic in my next article.

Getting Help in Therapy

As mentioned earlier, many people find it hard to think about their past sexual experiences due to strong inhibitions or a history of trauma.

If you're struggling with conflicting emotions about sex, a history of trauma or other experiences that are keeping you from exploring your sexual desires, you could benefit from working with a licensed psychotherapist who has experience with these issues.

Overcoming emotional obstacles can free you from your history so you can lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individuals and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 or email me.