Why Are Some "Nice Guys" Friend-Zoned?

As children, we're taught to be nice to others.

Being a nice or agreeable person is also rewarded in other settings. For instance, young children's report cards often cite agreeableness as a valued trait: "Johnny plays well with other children" or "Sara shares her toys with her classmates" and so on.

Being  Performatively"Nice" to Hide Certain Aspects of a Personality

People who are genuinely agreeable come across as open, authentic and trustworthy with good communication skills, healthy boundaries and a real interest in other people. They have no hidden agenda.

Why Are Some "Nice Guys" Friend-Zoned?

But there are people who are "nice" in a performative way to hide certain aspects of their personality. These are often the people who get friend-zoned because others can sense their behavior is really about people-pleasing to mask parts of their personality.

These people have such problems showing others who they really are that their behavior becomes performative as a defense against showing their true self. Instead, they come across as fake, which also known as a false self.

Their behavior can range from insecure, lacking in confidence and non-assertiveness to passive aggressive behavior.

Clinical Vignette

The following vignette is a composite of many different cases:

Larry

By the time Larry started therapy at age 35, he felt hopeless about ever being in a relationship.

He had gone out with a few women, usually for only one or two dates, but he had never been in a committed relationship.

His dating history started in his senior year of college when a woman he liked, Sara, asked him out to lunch. 

Sara was friendly and outgoing and she had many friends at college. There were many young men in college who were attracted to her, but she wasn't exclusive with anyone when she asked Larry to go for lunch.

Larry was surprised that Sara asked him out. He considered Sara to be the type of woman who would never be interested in him.

Soon after Sara's invitation, Larry's usual insecurities came up. He feared she wouldn't find him interesting--even though they had a lot in common. He also feared if she got to know him, she wouldn't like him (see my article: Overcoming the Fear That People Won't Like You If They Get to Know You).

As a result, Larry had such a lack of self confidence that he felt he had to be extra nice to Sara on their date. He agreed with everything she said and he went out of his way to do whatever she wanted to do. 

Why Are Some "Nice Guys" Friend-Zoned?

After they went to lunch a couple of times, Larry was disappointed that Sara was confiding in him like a friend. She even asked him for advice about how to handle a romantic situation about another guy.

When Larry talked to his friend, Ed about this, Ed told him, "You've been friend-zoned. Does she even know you're interested in her?"

In response, Larry told Ed that he couldn't see how Sara wouldn't know because he was bending over backwards to be nice to her.  Ed seemed skeptical, "But have you even flirted with her or told her you're attracted to her?"

Larry wasn't sure how to tell Sara he liked her, so he kept putting it off.  Then, weeks later, she told him she was interested in another young man at their college, John. When Larry heard her gush about John, he felt crushed and, eventually, he felt angry and resentful.

A few months later, Sara told Larry that she and John were getting an apartment together off campus. Larry felt his heart sink. 

Then, Sara said, "Before I met John, I really had a crush on you, but I never got the vibe from you that you were interested."

Larry remained silent, but he was shocked.

Now, at the age of 35, he told his therapist that this was his usual experience with women and he couldn't understand why this was happening to him, "I'm so nice to them and they don't appreciate it. Maybe they prefer guys who aren't nice."

Larry's therapist helped him to see that what he described as "nice" was really his way of hiding parts of his personality, including his erotic self, and that the women he dated didn't know he was interested in them because he suppressed his erotic self (see my articles: What is Eroticism? and What is Your Erotic Blueprint - Part 1 and Part 2).

They did Parts Work Therapy to help Larry explore the different aspects of his personality that he disliked so much and he tried to keep them hidden (see my article: How Does Parts Work Therapy, Like IFS and Ego States Therapy, Help You to Get to Know Yourself?)

The work in therapy was neither quick nor easy, especially since Larry had so much shame.

Over time, Larry practiced self compassion and self acceptance and this helped to boost his self confidence with women.

After he learned to be attuned to his own eroticism and he allowed that part of himself to emerge when he was interested in a woman, his romantic and sex life improved.

Conclusion

Being nice (or agreeable) can be a positive trait when it's genuine.

But when being "nice" is a defense against showing your true self, other people can sense that the agreeableness is performative and it comes across as being fake.  This is one of the reasons why many men get friend-zoned by women.

In the vignette above, Larry lacked self confidence and he was out of touch with his erotic self, so women he was interested in didn't even know it. They assumed he wasn't interested in them. 

But once he overcame his shame, developed self confidence and he became attuned to his own eroticism, he was able to allow this part of himself to emerge so that women knew he was interested in them and he was no longer friend-zoned.

There can be many different reasons why people, knowingly or unknowingly, hide parts of themselves with the result that they come across as fake.

Parts Work Therapy and other types of Experiential Therapy can help you to become more attuned to your true self so that you come across as more genuine.

Aside from Parts Work Therapy, other types of Experiential Therapy that can help include:

• EMDR Therapy (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing

• Somatic Experiencing

• AEDP (Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy)

Getting Help in Experiential Therapy

If you're struggling with lack of confidence and you think you might be hiding aspects of your personality, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional who does Parts Work Therapy or another form of Experiential Therapy.

Learning to attune to yourself and feeling confident enough to show your authentic self can help you to have a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Parts Work, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

What is Pegging?

Pegging has become a much talked about topic in recent years, but not everyone understands what the term means, so pegging is the focus of this article.

What is Pegging?

Pegging usually refers to a woman wearing a strap on dildo and penetrating a man's anus.

Pegging: A Consensual Act Between a Man and a Woman

Some people believe that pegging violates traditional gender norms because the woman is penetrating the man instead of the man penetrating the woman. However, as long as pegging occurs between consenting adults, there's nothing wrong with it.  

Since pegging goes against the traditional sex script, aside from physical pleasure, pegging can also be experienced as psychologically pleasurable because it breaks social norms (see my article: A Cornerstone of Eroticism: Breaking the Rules By Violating Prohibitions).

Why Do Men Experience Sexual Pleasure During Pegging?

Pegging massages the prostate, which is a walnut sized gland located between a man's penis and recturm. Since the prostate is an erogenous zone, when a dildo massages the prostate, it can be highly pleasurable for men who enjoy pegging.

Why Do Women Experience Sexual Pleasure Pegging a Man?

When a woman straps on a dildo to peg a man, she experiences sexual pleasure because the dildo rubs against her clitoris.

In addition, many women experience psychological pleasure being in the dominant sexual position.

How Do You Get Started With Pegging?

• Talk to Your Partner Beforehand: While many people enjoy pegging, it doesn't appeal to everyone, so make sure you and your partner talk about it before you attempt it.  Just like any other sexual act, you want to make sure you and your partner are both giving enthusiastic consent before you try anything new. If one of you isn't into it, you don't have to do it, but be respectful of each other (see my article: Don't Yuck Your Partner's Yum).  Also, be aware that you and your partner might need to have more than one talk about it before you actually try it (see my article: How to Talk to Your Partner About Sex).

Talk to Your Partner About Pegging Beforehand

• Keep an Open Mind and Don't Get Hung Up on Sexual Stereotypes: In the past, any kind of anal play was considered "gay sex", but just because you and your partner might enjoy pegging doesn't mean that either of you are gay. Pegging isn't about sexual orientation--it's about pleasure.

• Start Small and Use a Lot of Lube: Anal tissue is very delicate, so it's a good idea to start small and use a lot of lube before you use a dildo. You can start with oral stimulation (also known as rimming) and a small finger first. Then, you can gradually work your way up to a small butt plug over time. If there is any pain, stop. You want to avoid tearing.

• Make Sure You're Clean: Before you start any anal play, make sure you wash the anus and anything that will be inserted including fingers, butt plugs and dildos. Also, make sure you cover any sex toys inserted into the anus with a condom. Then wash the toys thoroughly with soap and warm water afterwards.

• Relax Before You Start: If you're trying pegging for the first time, you both might be a little anxious. Try doing some breathing exercises beforehand. The more relaxed you both are, the better the experience is more likely to be.

Relaxing Beforehand

• Talk About It Afterwards: It's a good idea to talk about the experience afterwards, especially if it's the first time for both of you. Talk about what worked and what might not have worked--not just physically but also emotionally. If negative feelings come up, be patient and emotionally supportive of one another.  

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples (see my article: What Are Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

 

Balancing Emotional Security and Eroticism in Long Term Relationships

Sexlessness is common in many long term relationships according to relationship experts Stephen A. Mitchell, who wrote Can Love Last? and Esther Perel, who wrote Mating in Captivity (see my article: The Paradox of Love and Sexual Desire).

Security vs Eroticism in Long Term Relationships

Dr. Mitchell indicates that the need for absolute emotional safety often deadens eroticism in long term relationships (see my article: Overcoming Sexual Boredom in Long Term Relationships).

Many people unconsciously create such emotionally secure relationships that the comfort and safety come at the expense of the couple's sex life (see my article: The Erotic Equation: Attraction + Obstacles Equals Sexual Excitement).

The unintended consequences are that they create a dull and lifeless sex life because their partner becomes more like a parent or sibling, which makes sex unappealing to say the least.

Balancing Emotional Security and Eroticism in Long Term Relationships

One of the scenarios in Dr. Mitchell's book, Can Love Last?, illustrates how someone in a long term relationship can unconsciously create a dull sex life.

Susan needed and expected her husband to dote on her. But she also complained in her therapy sessions that all of her husband's doting, which she insisted upon, was anti-erotic.  At the same time, she carried on a passionate sexual affair with a younger man whom she described as sexually exciting.

Susan was unaware that she was unconsciously creating an anti-erotic environment at home with her husband due to her need for his doting care and she was relegating her erotic needs to the man with whom she was having a secret affair.

As she became aware in therapy of how she was orchestrating the dullness in her marriage and the sexual excitement in her affair, she also became aware of how sexually guarded she was with her husband and how free she felt in her affair.  

Once she realized how she had been unknowingly creating these situations with the two men in her life, she talked to her husband about making changes in their sex life.  

This allowed her to be more sexually adventurous with her husband when they went away for a weekend.  Instead of relegating her erotic feelings to her affair, she allowed herself to be more erotically authentic in her marriage (see my article: What is Your Erotic Blueprint?).

How Sex Therapy Helps Couples to Rekindle Their Sex Life

Sex therapy can help low-sex or no-sex couples to see how they might have unconsciously created erotic dullness in their relationship in order to feel their relationship is predictable and safe (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).

Security vs Eroticism in Long Term Relationships

People in long term relationships often want to feel their partner is completely knowable and predictable.  However, in reality, there are always parts of yourself and your partner that are yet to be discovered.

When couples strive to create an atmosphere of absolute predictability and permanence in their relationship, they can unknowingly create the unintended deadness in their sex life.  

Sex therapy helps couples to recognize the unconscious dynamic they have created so they are freer to explore their sexuality and create a more erotic dynamic.  

This doesn't mean they no longer experience emotional security in their relationship. Instead, it means they learn to balance the need for security with a fulfilling sex life (see my article: To Rekindle Passion Fire Needs Air).

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

Sex therapy is a form of talk therapy.

There is no physical exam, nudity or sex during sex therapy sessions (see my article: What Are Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?).

People come to sex therapy for a variety of reasons (see my article: What Are Common Issues in Sex Therapy?).

Whether you're single or in any type of relationship, if you want a more fulfilling sex life, seek help from a skilled sex therapist.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a sex-positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

What is Eroticism?

The topic of this article is eroticism, which most people reduce to mean only sex, but eroticism is much more than sex. So, let's start by defining eroticism and then explore how eroticism develops.

What is Eroticism?

The word erotic comes from the Greek word, Eros, the Greek god of erotic love and desire.  

Understanding Eroticism

In her 1978 essay, "Uses of the Erotic," the poet, writer and Black lesbian feminist Audre Lorde defined the erotic as a source of knowledge, power and transformation.  She also defined it as a vital life force and a source of deep satisfaction, fulfillment and joy.

Similarly, according to relationship and sex therapist, Dr. Esther Perel, who wrote the book, Mating in Captivity, eroticism is the capacity to maintain aliveness, vitality, curiosity, spontaneity and life energy. 

Dr. Perel describes the difference between animals and humans having sex: When humans have sex, they are capable of eroticism. But when animals have sex, they are following their instinctual urge to procreate.  They don't have the capacity to be erotic.

How to Develop the Capacity For Eroticism

According to Dr. Perel, eroticism is pleasure for its own sake which you can develop through your creative imagination. 

Understanding Eroticism

Using your imagination and creative capacity, you have the ability to anticipate and imagine yourself in an erotic act where you can have multiple orgasms alone or with others.  Unlike animals, you can imagine the act without ever enacting it.

Dr. Perel grew up in a Belgium community of Holocaust survivors, which included her parents who survived the camps. She talks about there being two groups in that community, "those who didn't die" and "those who came back to life."

The people who didn't die, according to Dr. Perel, were those who couldn't experience pleasure because they couldn't trust. Due to their trauma, they were vigilant, anxious, and insecure.  This made it impossible for them to be imaginative and playful, which are necessary ingredients for eroticism.

The people who came back to life understood that eroticism was the cure for feeling dead inside.  Even though they experienced trauma, they understood that eroticism was the key to feeling alive with vitality, joy and playfulness.

When Do You Turn Yourself Off Erotically?

Dr. Perel distinguishes the questions "when do you turn yourself off?" from the usual question that most people ask themselves or their partner, which is "what turns me off?" or referring to "things you do to turn me off" (referring to a partner).

This is an important distinction.  Instead of looking outside yourself, she says you need look inside yourself to understand your part in whether or not you feel erotic.

    Erotic Turn-Offs: 

• Feeling dead inside
• Having a negative body image
• Not taking time for yourself
• Feeling a lack of confidence
• Feeling you don't have the right to want, take or receive pleasure

    Erotic Turn-Ons:

• Feeling alive, vibrant, imaginative, creative, playful
• Accepting your body
• Taking time for yourself
• Feeling confident 
• Feeling entitled to want, take and receive pleasure

Eroticism Isn't About Sexual Performance

People often think in terms of performative sex when they think of eroticism, but performative sex is the opposite of eroticism (see my article: What is Performative Sex?).

If you want a vibrant erotic life, instead of focusing on performance, focus on aliveness, curiosity, mystery, transcendence and especially on developing your imagination so you can be more erotically creative.  

Understanding Eroticism

According to Dr. Perel, eroticism is not something you do.  It's a place where you go inside yourself either alone or with a partner.

When you want to develop your erotic capacity, you allow your imagination to soar, which  includes allowing yourself to have erotic fantasies whether you have any intention of enacting  them or not (see my article:  The 7 Core Sexual Fantasies).

Understanding Eroticism

My Other Articles About Eroticism

Also see my prior articles about eroticism:

What is Your Erotic Blueprint? Part 1 and Part 2

What Are the Four Cornerstones of Eroticism?

The Erotic Equation: Attraction + Obstacles = Excitement

Finding Your Erotic Voice

What is Erotic Self Esteem?

Keeping an Erotic Journal

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

If you're struggling erotically as an individual or as someone who is in a relationship, you're not alone.  This is a common problem people talk about in sex therapy.

Sex therapy is a form of talk therapy (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).

There is no nudity, exams or sex during a sex therapy session (see my article: What Are Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?).

Individuals and couples seek help in sex therapy for many different reasons (see my article: What Are Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?).

A skilled sex therapist can help you to connect to your erotic self so that you can feel alive, vibrant, imaginative and creative.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help in sex therapy so you can feel alive erotically.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a sex positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 or email me.

Relationships: What is Your Sexual Initiation Style?

I'm continuing to focus on the book, Sex Talks, by Sex Therapist Vanessa Marin with the topic of sexual initiation styles (see my related articles listed at the end of this article).

Problems With Sexual Initiation in Long Term Relationships

During the early stage of a relationship the excitement and passion of new relationship energy often helps to facilitate sexual initiation.

Sexual Initiation Styles

This is the stage when sex occurs often and easily because you're responding to each other's sexual vibes. 

It's also the stage when neither of you are worried about who will initiate because you know you're feeling a sexual yearning and can't keep your hands off each other (see my article: A Cornerstone of Eroticism: Longing and Anticipation).

But as passion naturally settles over time, the issue of who initiates sex can become problematic in relationships (see my article: Sexual Boredom in Long Term Relationships).

So, it's important to understand your own and your partner's sexual initiation style.  

So, let's consider the six sexual initiation styles as described in Sex Talks.

What is Your Sexual Initiation Style?

According to Vanessa Marin, you might identify with one or more of these sexual initiation styles or you might discover that you're either a combination of certain styles or what you like might depend on your mood.  

As you read over these sexual initiation styles, consider what resonates with you and how this compares with your partner's style.

• "Excite Me" (The Slow Burn): To feel sexual desire, you need sexual energy to simmer and build over time. You enjoy sexual longing and anticipation. You're not as likely to respond to a request to hop into bed. You prefer a build up of playful energy during a romantic evening with sexy glances, flirty banter and sensual touches.  This erotic build up can help to get you in the mood (see my article: Creating the Potential For Sexual Desire Using the Sex Drive Simmer Technique).

Sexual Initiation Styles: "Excite Me"

• "Take Care of Me" (The Caretaker): For you to feel sexual, you need to feel nurtured by your partner. You might have so much on your mind that you need to feel taken care of by your partner in order to get in the mood for sex. So, if your partner is especially loving and nurturing, you can relax and ease into a sexy mood. 

Sexual Initiation Style: Take Care of Me

• "Play With Me" (Let's Have Some Fun): You get sexually turned on when your partner is playful and fun. Part of your personal eroticism is humor and your partner making you laugh. Laughing helps to ease tension and stress so you can relax into having sex. You love having an inside joke with your partner or a fun, sexy secret that only the two of you understand. Humor is an emotional aphrodisiac for you (see my article: Do You Remember What It Was Like to Have Fun in Your Relationship? Try a Little Playfulness).

Sexual Initiation Style: Play With Me

• "Desire Me" (Wanting to Be Wanted): To get into the mood for sex, you need to feel desired. You want your partner to show you that you're irresistibly sexy and desirable. Your partner can show this through glances, words, touches and behavior like spontaneous kissing or pushing you up against the wall for sex. You like to feel the immediacy of your partner's desire. Not only do they want you--they want you right now (see my article: Based on Sex Research: What Gets a Women Turned On?).

Sexual Initiation Styles: Desire Me

• "Connect With Me" (Let's Talk): Getting sexually turned on for you involves emotional connection. You need emotional intimacy before you're ready for sexual intimacy. Sharing an emotional moment through an intimate talk and feeling that your partner is emotionally attuned to you is an aphrodisiac for you (see my article: Emotional Vulnerability as a Pathway to Intimacy).

Sexual Initiation Styles: Connect With Me

• "Touch Me" (Hold Me, Thrill Me, Kiss Me): Physical touch is what turns you on and makes you feel sexually alive. Physical touch can mean passionate kissing, sensual massage or cuddling.  You might be someone who experiences spontaneous sexual desire if your partner knows how to touch you in a way that makes that spark come alive for you (see my article: Savoring Pleasure).

Sexual Initiation Styles: Touch Me

What If You and Your Partner Have Different Sexual Initiation Styles?

It's not unusual for two people in a relationship to have different sexual initiation styles.  This will be the subject of my next article: What If You and Your Partner Have Different Sexual Initiation Styles?

Conclusion

Knowing your own and your partner's sexual initiation style can revive sex in a long term relationship where sexual energy needs to be revived.

As previously mentioned, you can have more than one sexual initiation style or a combination of styles depending upon your mood, the context, who you're with, and various other factors.

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

Sex therapy is a form of talk therapy for individuals and couples (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).

People seek help from sex therapists, who are licensed mental health professionals, for many different reasons (see my article: What Are Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?).

There is no touch, physical exam or sex during sex therapy sessions (see my article: What Are Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?).

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a skilled sex therapist.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

My Previous Articles Based on the Sex Talks:

How Women Can Be More Assertive About Getting Their Sexual Needs Met

Understanding Why You and Your Partner Might Experience Differences in Sexual Arousal: Spontaneous and Responsive Arousal

Sexual Exploration: Substitute the Words: "What's Your Fantasy" with "What Are You Sexually Curious About?"

Keeping Sex Alive in Your Relationship is a Team Sport

Creating the Potential For Sexual Desire Using the Sex Drive Simmer Technique

 

How Women Can Be More Assertive About Getting Their Sexual Needs Met

In her book, Sex Talks, Sex Therapist Vanessa Marin discusses the problems many people have talking about sex and how to overcome these difficulties (see my articles: How to Talk to Your Partner About Sex - Part 1 and Part 2).

How Women Can Be More Assertive About Sexual Needs Met

Even though many women are more assertive now about getting their sexual needs met as compared to the past, there are still many more who either don't know what they want or don't feel entitled to ask for it. They were never taught how to talk about sex--much less be able to ask for what they want sexually (see my article: Finding Your Sexual Voice).

Many people--both women and men--still feel a lot of shame and guilt when it comes to talking about sex (see my article: Exploring Your Sexual Fantasies Without Guilt or Shame).

And many people believe that if you're in a relationship with someone, you don't need to talk about sex--they think their partner should just know what they need.  Needless to say, this often doesn't work.

How to Be More Assertive About Getting Your Sexual Needs Met

If you find yourself struggling to talk about your sexual needs in your relationship, here are some tips that might work for you:

• Identify and Write Down Your Sexual Thoughts: If you can't bring yourself to talk about sex, keep an erotic journal that's just for you.  Start paying attention to your sexual thoughts--no matter how insignificant they might feel to you. And if you're not having thoughts about sex, take some time to write about pleasurable sexual experiences you have had in the past--whether they're with your current partner or not (make sure you keep this journal private).  This will help you to develop a sexual awareness before you even attempt to talk to your partner.

Keeping an Erotic Journal

• Know Your Sexual Values: If you're not sure what your sexual values are, take time to think about this and do some writing to clarify your thoughts. If you need to feel an emotional connection with someone before you have sex, you can tell your partner and if they judge you, that's important information about whether you want to engage in sex with someone who doesn't respect your values. Likewise, if you see sex as a casual recreational activity, that's also your right and your partner needs to know that. You also need to respect your partner's sexual values, which is different from just going along with something that you don't want. You can respect someone's values at the same time that you tell them that their values don't match yours.  No one needs to convince or pressure anyone into doing anything they don't want to do (see my article: Living Authentically Aligned With Your Values).

Know Your Sexual Values

• Talk to Your Partner About General Sexual Topics If You're Too Uncomfortable Talking About Yourself: If, after you write down your thoughts in your erotic journal you're still not comfortable talking about what you want, talk to your partner about about sex in general. For instance, you could suggest that you and your partner watch a TV series about sex--like the Goop series on Netflix, Sex Love & Goop--where couples work with sex coaches and other sex experts on their sexual problems. It's usually easier to talk about sex when it's about other people on a TV program instead of talking about your own sexual experiences.  Or you and your partner can listen to a good podcast about sex, like the podcast that's hosted by Sex Researcher Justin Lehmiller on the Sex and Psychology podcast (he always has great guests and the podcasts are interesting and fun). Talking about a TV series or a podcast can help you to get started without the emotional vulnerability that people often feel when they talk about themselves.  This can help you to ease your way into eventually talking about your sex life with your partner. 

• Don't Be Critical of Your Partner: It's important that when you start talking about sex that you don't start out being critical. That will only make your partner feel defensive, possibly shut down the conversation, and make it difficult to bring it up again.  This is a suggestion from Sex Therapist Vanessa Marin in her book, Sex Talks: It's better to try to find something to compliment your partner about and then make a suggestion of what else you want. Start by validating your partner instead of launching into criticism. So, for instance, you might say, "I love how you kiss my neck and I'd also like you to ________ ." You can fill in the blank based on what you want (see my article: Improve Communication in Your Relationship By Avoiding the 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse).

• Know Your Sexual Boundaries and Don't Do Anything You Don't Want to Do: Women often feel they have to appease their partner by engaging in sexual acts they don't want to do. This includes women who experience pain during sexual intercourse who don't tell their partner and just grit their teeth and bear it. If you're having pain during intercourse, that's a problem and you need to address it with a sex positive gynecologist (and no, not all gynecologists are sex positive enough to understand and discuss sexual pain without being critical). Sexual pain can be caused by many different problems, so find a gynecologist who is knowledgeable and comfortable talking about it. After the gynecologist has diagnosed the problem, s/he might refer you to a physical therapist who is a pelvic floor specialist.  But being able to speak up about what you do and don't want isn't just related to pain. It could be related to engaging in a sexual act that isn't safe or anything else related to sex (see my article: What is a Healthy Sexual Relationship?).

Know Your Sexual Boundaries

• Know What Feels Safe to You and What Doesn't: For instance, if a partner you don't know well asks you to have intercourse without a condom because he doesn't want to wear one, know that you have a right to set a boundary with that person for your health and well-being. Too many women acquiesce to men about condom use and end up with a sexually transmitted infection or become pregnant (or both).  Likewise, if your partner is mostly focused on his own pleasure and not yours, you have a right to say your sexual needs count too.  Don't settle for less (see my article: What is Sexual Health?).

Know What Feels Safe to You

• Know the Difference Between Assertiveness and Aggressiveness: Women often confuse being assertive with being aggressive, especially if they're not used to looking out for their own needs--whether it's sexual needs, emotional needs or any other needs.  When you're assertive, you're expressing your needs in an open, direct way without being disrespectful to the other person. You're not being critical or condescending. 

• Make "I" Statements Instead of Accusatory Statements: Part of being assertive is speaking from your own experience.  Instead of saying, "You're trying to pressure me into doing something I don't want," say, "If you insist on having sex without a condom, I don't want to have sex because I don't want to get pregnant or get a sexually transmitted infection" (or whatever the issue is).

• Avoid Risky Situations: Being impaired by alcohol or drugs makes it difficult to use good judgment or to think clearly about what you do and don't want. Misuse of substances can also embolden someone to force you to do things you don't want sexually, so avoid putting yourself in these kinds of risky situations, especially if you don't know your partner well (see my article: Can Hookups Be Safer and More Sexually Satisfying For Women?).

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

Sex is often difficult for people to talk about--even within long term relationships.

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

If you're having a hard time talking to your partner about sex, consider seeing a licensed mental health professional who is trained as a sex therapist to work out the emotional blocks that are getting in your way (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).

Many individual adults and couples seek help in sex therapy for a variety of reasons (see my article: What Are Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?

Sex therapy is a form of talk therapy for individuals and couples. There are no physical exams, nudity or sex during sex therapy sessions (see my article: What Are Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?).

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a skilled sex therapist so you can have a more fulfilling sex life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.