Relationships: What is Your Sexual Initiation Style?

Many couples struggle with how to initiate sex in a long-term relationship. During the early stages of a romance, the excitement and passion of New Relationship Energy (NRE) naturally helps to facilitate sexual initiation. This is the stage when sex occurs often and easily because you are responding to each other's sexual vibes. 

A loving couple discussing their relationship at home. Understanding your partner’s sexual initiation style is a key step in reviving intimacy in long-term relationships.

It is also a time when neither partner worries about who will initiate. You both feel a mutual sexual yearning and cannot keep your hands off each other. (To understand this early phase deeper, read my guide on Cultivating Sexual Longing and Anticipation).

However, as relationship passion naturally settles over time, the issue of who initiates sex can become problematic in relationships. It is incredibly common for partners to fall into a mismatch, which can lead to frustration, rejection, or sexual boredom in long-term relationships.

To overcome this roadblock, it is essential to understand your own and your partner's sexual initiation style. Let us consider the six sexual initiation styles described by sex therapist Vanessa Marin in her book, Sex Talks.

WHAT ARE VANESSA MARIN'S 6 SEXUAL INITIATION STYLES?

According to Sex and Relationship Therapist Vanessa Marin, you might identify with one or more of these sexual initiation styles. You might also discover that you are a combination of certain styles, or that your preferences depend heavily on your mood. As you read over these six styles, consider what resonates with you and how it compares with your partner's style.

• "Excite Me" (The Slow Burn): To feel sexual desire, you need sexual energy to simmer and build over time. You enjoy sexual longing and anticipation. You are not likely to respond well to a sudden request to hop into bed. Instead, you prefer a buildup of playful energy during a romantic evening with sexy glances, flirty banter, and sensual touches. This erotic buildup helps get you in the mood. (You can read more on this in my article about creating potential for sexual desire using the The Sex Drive Simmer Technique).
• "Take Care of Me" (The Caretaker): For you to feel sexual, you need to feel nurtured by your partner. You might carry a heavy mental load or so much daily stress that you need to feel taken care of in order to get in the mood for sex. When your partner is especially loving and nurturing, your nervous system can relax, allowing you to ease into a sexy mood.
• "Play With Me" (Let's Have Some Fun): You get sexually turned on when your partner is playful and fun. A core part of your personal eroticism is humor and a partner who makes you laugh. Laughing helps ease tension and stress so you can relax into having sex. You love having an inside joke or a fun, sexy secret that only the two of you understand. Humor acts as an emotional aphrodisiac for you. (For more ideas, read my article on how to Try a Little Playfulness in Your Relationship).
• "Desire Me" (Wanting to Be Wanted): To get into the mood for sex, you need to feel explicitly desired. You want your partner to show you that you are irresistibly sexy. Your partner can show this through intense glances, words, touch, and spontaneous behaviors, like passionate kissing or pushing you up against the wall. You like to feel the immediacy of your partner's desire. They do not just want you eventually; they want you right now. (Learn more by reading my summary based on sex research regarding What Gets Women Turned On?).
• "Connect With Me" (Let's Talk): Getting sexually turned on involves a deep emotional connection. You need emotional intimacy before you are ready for sexual intimacy. Sharing a vulnerable moment through an intimate conversation and feeling that your partner is emotionally attuned to you is a powerful aphrodisiac. (To explore this path, read my article on Emotional Vulnerability as a Pathway to Intimacy).
• "Touch Me" (Hold Me, Thrill Me, Kiss Me): Physical touch is the direct spark that turns you on and makes you feel sexually alive. This physical touch can mean passionate kissing, a sensual massage, or close cuddling. You might be someone who experiences responsive sexual desire, meaning that when your partner touches you in the right way, that physical spark makes your desire come alive. (Discover more tips by reading my guide on Savoring Pleasure).

WHAT IF YOU AND YOUR PARTNER HAVE DIFFERENT SEXUAL INITIATION STYLES?

It is entirely normal for two people in a relationship to have different sexual initiation styles. When styles clash, partners often misinterpret the other's signals as either pressure or rejection. Navigating these differences will be the exact subject of my next article: What If You and Your Partner Have Different Sexual Initiation Styles?).

In conclusion, knowing your unique styles can revive physical intimacy in a long-term relationship where the sexual energy has stalled. Remember, you can have more than one sexual initiation style or a combination of styles depending upon your mood, the context, who you are with, and various other factors.

HOW A CERTIFIED NYC SEX THERAPIST CAN HELP

Sex therapy is a highly specialized form of talk therapy for individuals and couples. People seek help from sex therapists for many different reasons, ranging from arousal mismatches to communication blocks.

A common misconception keeps people from seeking help: some worry about what happens in the office. To be entirely clear, there is absolutely no touch, physical exams, or sexual acts during sex therapy sessions. It is confidential talk therapy led by licensed mental health professionals. Rather than struggling on your own, seeking help from a skilled therapist can help you treat intimacy as a team sport.

ABOUT JOSEPHINE FERRARO, LCSW

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, and certified sex therapist. 

I am extensively trained in EMDR, AEDP, EFT, and Somatic Experiencing, and I work closely with individual adults and couples to restore connection and intimacy.

I offer a complimentary 15 minute phone call before setting up an appointment.

I see clients in person in my office in Greenwich Village, NYC (10011) and online in NYS.

To learn more about my practice or to set up a consultation, please contact me:

• Website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist (Visit my site for more resources)
• Phone: (917) 742-2624 (Available during standard business hours)
• Email: josephineferraro@iCloud.com

EXPLORE MORE RELATIONSHIP AND INTIMACY ARTICLES:

• How Can Women Be More Assertive to Get Their Sexual Needs Met?
  
• Understanding Why You and Your Partner Might Experience Sexual Arousal Differently: Responsive and Spontaneous Desire
  
• Sexual Explorations: Substitute the Words "What's Your Fantasy" with "What Are You Sexually Curious About?"
• Keeping Sex Alive in Your Relationship is a Team Effort

Relationships: What If You and Your Partner Have Different Sexual Initiation Styles?

In my last article, Relationships: What is Your Sexual Initiation Style?, I introduced the idea of sexual initiation styles.  In the current article, I'm addressing a problem that frequently comes up in sex therapy, which is dealing with different sexual initiation styles in your relationship.

Sexual Initiation Styles

Disclaimer: Before I continue, I want to remind people that this is a short article with general information for a complex topic, and there is no one-size-fits-all answer for everyone. This article isn't a substitute for therapy. The best way to resolve your sexual problems is to seek help directly from a sex therapist.

Similar to some of the previous articles, the information in this article is based on what I have observed in my sex therapy private practice in New York City as well as Vanessa Marin's wonderful book, Sex Talks.

Recap of Sexual Initiation Styles

In the previous article, I discussed the different sexual initiation styles in detail as they are outlined in Ms. Marin's book.  As I mentioned in the last article, there is no one style that's better than another.

You or your partner might not fit neatly into one category or another. You might be a combination of categories or maybe sometimes one or both of you might be more in the mood to initiate in a certain way that's different from how you normally initiate.

What's most important is for you and your partner to start thinking about these initiation styles to become aware of them and how to make them work for you as a couple.

As a recap, Ms. Marin discusses the following sexual initiation styles in her book (for a more detailed explanation, see my previous article):

• "Excite Me" (The Slow Burn): You like sexual energy to simmer and build over time (see my article: The Sex Drive Simmer).

• "Take Care of Me" (The Caretaker): You need to feel nurtured by your partner.

• "Play With Me" (Let's Have Some Fun): You get sexually turned on when your partner is playful and fun.

• "Desire Me" (Wanting to Be Wanted): To get in the mood for sex, you need to feel desired.

• "Connect With Me" (Let's Talk): You need emotional intimacy before sexual intimacy.

• "Touch Me" (Hold Me, Thrill Me, Kiss Me): You get turned on by physical touch, which makes you feel sexually alive.

What If You and Your Partner Have Different Sexual Initiation Styles?

For many people just thinking about their sexual initiation style is daunting. It takes self reflection and feedback from your partner.  This would be the same for your partner.

Although it might seem intimidating at first, knowing your own and your partner's sexual initiation style can resolve many sexual problems that couples have.

For instance, if you're turned off by a partner who approaches you without any foreplay and says, "Hey babe, do you wanna do it?," it's helpful to be able to tell your partner how you prefer to be approached (see my article: How to Talk to Your Partner About Sex - Part 1 and Part 2).

Different Sexual Initiation Styles

On the other hand, you might be someone who gets turned on by the "Do you wanna do it?" approach. But for many people, especially women, this would be a turn off (see my article: Based on Sex Research: What Gets Women Sexually Turned On?).

Similarly, if you're the one who always initiates, you might wonder if your partner is just having sex to appease you. You might want your partner to initiate sex sometimes just to know your partner wants you sexually, and you need to be able to communicate this to your partner.

According to Ms. Marin, it's best to think of sexual initiation as an invitation. 

She provides an interesting example that often doesn't work for couples who haven't had sex in a while where one partner, who is anxious about initiating sex says something like, "Gee, we haven't had sex in a while. You don't wanna do it, do you?" in a half-hearted way.

Not only is this awkward for both people, it's also not much an invitation at all.

As a comparison, she mentions that most people wouldn't invite a friend out to dinner in a similarly half-hearted way, "Gee we haven't seen each other in a while. You wouldn't wanna go out to dinner, would you?"

Instead, if you wanted to see your friend and you looked forward to having dinner with them, you would be a lot more enthusiastic. Aside from providing a more enthusiastic invitation, you might tell your friend about the great new Italian restaurant in the neighborhood with delicious ravioli as a way to entice them to go.

Similarly, your invitation to your partner needs to be enticing and also make them feel sexually desirable and turned on (see my articles: What is Your Erotic Blueprint? - Part 1 and Part 2).

Clinical Vignette: A Couple With Different Sexual Initiation Styles

The following clinical scenario is based on a composite of cases with all identifying information removed. The scenario illustrates how each partner learns about their own and their partner's sexual initiation style in sex therapy and how this improves their sex life:

Nina and John

A year into their relationship, after the new relationship energy had worn off, Nina and John began having sexual problems.

During the first several months of their relationship, they both felt sexually passionate so it didn't matter who initiated or how they initiated because they were both eager to have sex with each other all the time.

This initial phase of a relationship is called the limerence phase--an involuntary period when two people are infatuated and often obsessed with each other.  Generally, the limerence phase lasts anywhere from three months to two years.

After Nina and John moved in together and they had more mundane concerns, like who cleans the bathroom and who takes out the garbage. Seeing each other everyday and dealing with the realities of everyday life caused the sexual energy between them to cool down--as it does for most couples after the limerence phase.

Both of them were in their mid-30s and neither of them had ever been in a long term relationship before, so they never experienced what it was like to go beyond the limerence phase of a relationship.

After a year, sex was awkward between them. Nina often felt exhausted late at night and she resented when John would tap on her thigh when they were in bed together late at night as a way to initiate sex.

Most of the time, Nina would tell John she was just too tired. But on those occasions when she agreed to have sex, she wasn't turned on at all. She just went along with it to please him--hoping that he would have an orgasm so she could go to sleep.  

John was aware that Nina wasn't turned on and this made him anxious. Sometimes the anxiety and the feeling that Nina didn't want him sexually would cause him to lose his erection due to his sexual anxiety (see my article: How Sex Therapy Can Help With Sexual Anxiety).

So, due to feeling rejected and anxious and a fear of losing his erection, John rushed through sex as quickly as he could. He didn't engage in any foreplay because he knew that Nina wanted to just get it over with so she could go to sleep.

Afterwards, they each laid in bed feeling empty and alone before they drifted off to sleep.  Since they didn't know how to talk to each other about sex, the problem worsened over time.

Eventually, after a few months went by without sex, John summoned the courage to tell Nina that they needed to get help in sex therapy for their problem.  He was relieved when Nina agreed.

After the initial family and sexual history taking phase of sex therapy, their sex therapist explained the limerence phase and how sex tends to be less spontaneous and passionate than it was before. 

She also explained that, based on how each of them described their sexuality, Nina experienced responsive sexual desire and John experienced spontaneous sexual desire, which was a big part of the problem between them (see my article: Spontaneous Sexual Desire and Responsive Sexual Desire Are Both Normal).

Then, their sex therapist went over their typical sex script, which didn't vary much from one sexual encounter to the next, and Nina and John both began to realize why sex wasn't working for them (see my article: Understanding Your Sex Script).

Over time, Nina and John learned what turned each of them on and what turned each of them off (see my article: Understanding Your Sexual Accelerators and Brakes).

John realized that Nina just went along with sex because she was usually too tired when he initiated sex late at night and she wasn't turned on.

Nina realized when John saw that she was just trying to get it over with, he felt anxious and rejected.

As they continued to attend their sex therapy sessions, they both learned how they each liked sex to be initiated.

Nina realized she needed to feel emotionally connected to John first before she became sexually aroused because her style was "Connect With Me." She told John that she needed to re-establish the emotional connection with him when they both got home from work before feeling comfortable enough to enjoy sex.  

She also needed to have sex earlier in the evening. And, like most women, she didn't have an orgasm from just sexual intercourse--she needed clitoral stimulation (see my article: Closing the Orgasm Gap Between Heterosexual Women and Men).

John realized that he was more of a "Touch Me" sexual style.  All he needed was Nina to touch him--even in a non-sexual way--and that touch combined with his spontaneous sexual desire was enough to get him turned on if he knew Nina wanted to have sex.  They were also able to talk about those times when he felt anxious about initiating with her and how that resulted in his loss of an erection.

Their sex therapist encouraged John and Nina to change their sex script (see my article: Changing Your Sex Script).

Since Nina needed more time to get sexually aroused, the sex therapist encouraged John to slow down, take the time to connect with Nina after they both got home from work and allow  sexual foreplay to take precedence over intercourse (see my article: Rethinking Foreplay as More Than Just a Prelude to Sexual Intercourse).  

She encouraged John and Nina to be more playful in their sexual exploration and not to assume that their initial attempts would be successful right away.

After a while, John was still primarily the one who initiated sex, which both he and Nina didn't mind.  But he was much more aware of what Nina needed in terms of his sexual initiation to feel sexually turned on.  He spent more time with sexual foreplay, including oral sex. 

Combining Sexual Initiation Styles

And, once she was turned on, Nina enjoyed engaging in John's preferred "Touch Me" style.  On days when she initiated sex, Nina was able to ask John to cuddle and talk with her first before she did what she knew got him turned on, including oral sex.

When John felt how much Nina wanted him, he no longer felt anxious and rejected so he didn't have erectile problems.

Although it might sound like they were able to resolve their sexual problems in a short time, in reality, discovering your own and your partner's sexual likes and dislikes takes time. 

For many couples just being able to talk about sex is a major obstacle to overcome.

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

Sex therapy is a form of talk therapy (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).

There is no touch, physical exam or sex during sex therapy sessions (see my article: What Are the Most Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?).

Individuals and couples seek help for a variety of reasons (see my article: What Are Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?).

If you're struggling with sexual problems, rather than struggling on your own, seek help in sex therapy so you can have a more enjoyable sex life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email.