Relationships: Understanding S£x as an Emotionally Intimate Experience

Within a loving relationship where two people feel connected to each other, sex is an emotionally intimate experience.

Sex is a vulnerable act of trust.

Sex as an Emotionally Intimate Experience

Sex also triggers the release of bonding hormones, enhances communication and deepens your connection with your partner when you share physical and emotional closeness.

Sharing this level of physical and emotional closeness provides an opportunity for you to express affection, share your desires and feel safe which can allow you to feel understood in a deeper way.

What Creates Emotionally Intimacy During Sex in a Relationship?

• Sharing Your Whole Self: Sexual intimacy requires you to be physically and emotionally present and vulnerable which allows you to let down your guard and create a deep sense of trust with your partner. 

• Opening Up Physically and Emotionally: You're opening yourself up for acceptance but, potentially, you might also experience criticism or rejection. The best sex occurs when you're already feeling emotionally connected and safe (see my article: Creating a Safe Haven For Each Other).

• Experiencing the "Love Hormone": Sex releases oxytocin which is linked to feelings of affection, trust and bonding.

Sex as an Emotionally Intimate Experience

• Bonding and Connection: Oxytocin creates a powerful sense of closeness and longing for your partner. This helps to solidify your connection on an emotional and physical level.

• Enhanced Communication: Sex can enhance communication when partners can talk openly and honestly about their sexual desires, needs and boundaries (see my article: How to Talk to Your Partner About Sex).

• Deepening Intimacy: The shared vulnerability and open communication can deepen your connection.

• An Enhanced Expression of Existing Intimacy: Sex can be a powerful way to enhance an already existing emotional connection by amplifying feelings of love and tenderness. When there is already an intimate connection, sex is more than just a physical act--it's an expression of emotional intimacy.

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette is a composite of many cases where a couple lost their emotional and sexual connection over time and how they regained it:

Lena and Matt

When Lena and Matt started dating, they were always excited to see each other. 

Sex as an Emotionally Intimate Experience

Their "new relationship energy" created so much passion, excitement and anticipation during the honeymoon phase of their relationship.

But after twenty years of marriage, the passion and excitement was gone and they were only having obligatory sex (also known as "duty sex").

Obligatory sex occurs when one or both people have sex out of sense of duty or pressure rather than from a sense of genuine desire.

Over time, their sex life deteriorated for many reasons: work stress, raising children, financial stress and other responsibilities. 

Neither of them knew how to talk to each other about sex, so they continued to have sex that neither of them enjoyed.

Their obligatory sex created resentment, dissatisfaction and emotional distance. The emotional distance, in turn, pulled them further and further apart.

Both of them approached sex with the attitude that they wanted to "get it over with", but it left them both feeling lonely and isolated.  They each would have preferred to have no sex than the kind of sex they were having, but neither of them felt comfortable talking about it.

After Lena spoke to her therapist about how unsatisfying her sex life with Matt had become, her therapist referred them to a sex therapist.

Initially, Matt was resistant to going. He didn't want to talk about their sex life, but Lena convinced him that they had a problem and sex therapy could help.

Their sex therapist helped them to speak openly about their sex life, which was challenging at first. Over time, they learned to talk to each other calmly without blaming each other.

They talked about how exciting and passionate their sex life had been when they were dating. Even though they knew they couldn't get that "new relationship energy" back, they felt closer to one another and more open to exploring what they both would find sexually enjoyable. 

It took time to overcome twenty years of emotional and sexual disconnection, but they were able to enhance their emotional and sexual connection over time.

Conclusion

Sex is usually an emotionally intimate experience in a relationship when two people feel connected to one another.

Sex as an Emotionally Intimate Experience

Sharing yourself emotionally and sexually is a vulnerable act that can bring two people closer together and enhance their relationship.

Over time, many couples drift into having obligatory sex where they go through the motions of having sex or they become a no-sex couple (see my article: Have You and Your Partner Stopped Having Sex?).

Obligatory sex often creates more emotional and sexual distance as well as resentment and loneliness.

For couples who have become no-sex couples, the longer they wait to address these problems, the more challenging it can be. However, even longstanding no-sex couples have an opportunity to work through their issues in sex therapy if they are motivated.

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

If you and your partner have lost your emotional and sexual connection with each other, you could benefit from getting help in sex therapy.

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

Sex therapy is a form of talk therapy with a licensed mental health professional who specializes in helping individual adults and couples to having a satisfying sex life (see my article: What Do People Talk About in Sex Therapy?).

There is no nudity or sex during the sex therapy sessions (see my article: What Are Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?).

There is usually homework to do between sessions as a bridge between the sessions and, at times, to put into practice what has been discussed.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help in sex therapy to improve your emotional and sexual connection.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS/Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Exploring F@ntasies With Romance Novels

In a previous article, What Are the Emotional and Psychological Reasons For the Popularity of Romance Novels?, I began a discussion about how romance novels fulfill certain emotional and psychological needs.

Exploring Sexual Fantasies with Romance Novels

In the current article, I'm discussing how romance novels can help you to explore fantasies whether you're single or partnered.

Many adults like to use erotic romance novels (also known as erotica) to explore their sexual fantasies. This includes people who are single and in relationships (monogamous and consensually non-monogamous relationships).

How Can Romance Novels Help You to Explore Your Fantasies?

There are many ways to explore fantasies including:

• Watching erotic films

• Watching ethical p0rn

• Listening to erotic audiobooks

• Sharing fantasies with a partner and listening to your partner's fantasies (see my article: How to Talk to Your Partner About Sex).

In terms of exploring sexual fantasies, reading erotic romance novels provides a safe space for exploration whether you're single or partnered including:

• Fantasy Fulfillment: Erotic romance novels allow readers to experience scenarios they might not have experienced in real life (see my article: The 7 Core Sexual Fantasies).

• Emotional and Sexual Exploration: Romance novels can provide an opportunity to explore complex emotions like: vulnerability, anxiety and desire.  Well written stories can give readers a chance to see complex emotions worked through.

Exploring Sexual Fantasies With Romance Novels

• A Low Stakes Environment: Since the writing is fiction, the reader can engage in imagining any type of fantasy in a safe way without pressure or judgment. If readers don't like a particular scene in the book, they can skip over it.

• A Catalyst For Communication: Reading about characters who communicate openly in their relationships about sex and sexual fantasies can provide inspiration, motivation and ideas for conversations with a partner (see my article: Talking to Your Partner About Sex).

Clinical Vignette 1:

The following clinical vignette explores how an individual can benefit from using erotic romance novels to explore sexual fantasies:

Jane

Jane had only ever been in one long term relationship. During the time of her relationship wiht Joe, she hoped Joe would be more open sexually, but he only liked one thing: Sexual intercourse missionary style.  

He wasn't open to exploring other positions or other sexual activities. Although Jane went along with it, when she realized she couldn't convince him to be more sexually adventurous, she realized she was bored with their sex life.  

After they broke up and Jane thought about dating again, she realized her sexual experiences were limited, so she watched ethical p0rn and explored erotic romance novels (see my articles: Sexual Self Discovery and What is Sexual Self Awareness?).

Exploring Sexual Fantasies With Romance Novels

When she found passages in the stories that got her sexually aroused, she used those passages during solo sex (see my article: Sexual Pleasure and the Erotic Self).

As she continued to explore sexual fantasies derived from romance novels, Jane began to feel more confident about her ability to talk to a new partner about what she liked to do sexually (see my article: What is Sexual Self Esteem?).

When she got into a new relationship with Ed, she realized that Ed was much more adventurous than Joe had ever been. When she talked to him about her fantasies, he was eager to try them in real life.

Developing sexual fantasies through romance novels and exploring them with Ed was much more sexually satisfying for Jane.

Clinical Vignette 2:

The following clinical vignette illustrates how a couple who are in sex therapy can use erotic romance novels to explore their sexual fantasies and rekindle the passion in their sex life:

Nan and Bill

After 25 years of marriage, Nan and Bill had drifted into a sexless marriage.

When they were first dating, their sex life was new and exciting. They couldn't wait to see each other and they were both open to being sexually adventurous.  But over the years their sex life had become routine and their sexual repetoire was so limited that they always did the same things in the same way. Gradually, sex between them dwindled from once a week to once a month and, after a while, to less than once a year.

Nan tried to talk to Bill several times about trying to rekindle their sex life, but he felt too uncomfortable to talk about sex (see my article: Are You Too Uncomfortable to Talk to Your Partner About Sex?).

Feeling frustrated and annoyed, Nan told Bill that since he wasn't open to talking to her about sex, she booked an appointment with a sex therapist so they could work on their sex life. Although Bill wasn't motivated to attend sex therapy, he knew he needed to overcome his discomfort with talking about sex to improve their relationship.

After their sex therapist met with Nan and Bill for a consultation, she met with each of them individually to get information about each of their sexual histories and family histories..

Then, she worked with them to help them to get comfortable with talking about sex. Nan was a somewhat more comfortable than Bill, but they both said that sex was a taboo subject when they were growing up and they learned about sex from talking to children at their schools.  Inevitably, since the other children weren't any more informed about sex than they were and sex education at their schools was minimal, they got a lot of misinformation.

Their sex therapist talked to them about expanding their sex script, but neither of them had any new ideas about what they wanted to do. So, she provided them with a list of sexual activities called a Yes, No, Maybe List in sex therapy. They both knew they wanted to remain monogamous and they didn't want to watch p0rn--not even ethical p0rn.

Since they were both avid readers, their sex therapist recommended that they explore sexual fantasies in erotic romance novels.  At first, they felt uncomfortable, but they agreed to do it.

Nan hadn't read a romance novel since she was a teenager, so she was surprised to discover that some of the stories had richer plots, more diverse characters, explicit sexual content and that the writing was generally better than romance novels from the past.

Bill had never read a romance novel in his life. He tended to read nonfiction books, like biographies of famous people, and he felt embarrassed to read an erotic romance novel.  He was glad he could download an e-book so no one would know what he was reading. He was sure his buddies would tease him if they knew.

Their sex therapist recommended they each find passages that got them turned on and read them aloud to each other. At first, both Bill and Nan told her they would feel too embarrassed to do that, but they agreed to try it.

Nan was the first one who found a passage in a story that she shared with Bill about bondage (see my article: Are You Curious About Exploring BDSM?).  

The female character in the story tied up her boyfriend with silk scarves in a playful way and then touched him with a long feather, which got him turned on.

As he listened to Nan read the passage, Bill was surprised he was getting turned on because he had never even thought about trying bondage before. 

When he told Nan he might want to try being tied up with scarves, she was shocked too.

This was the beginning of Bill and Nan's sexual exploration and expansion of their sexual repertoire. As they tried new sexual activities, sex toys and different sexual positions, they both felt excited and happy.

Conclusion

Erotic romance novels can help you to explore sexual fantasies whether you're single or with a partner.

Along with ethical p0rn and erotic films, erotic romance novels are a safe way to explore fantasies for solo sex or partnered sex.

Whether you are single or partnered and regardless of your sexual orientation, if you are having problems with sex, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional who is a sex therapist to have a more fulfilling sex life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Parts Work (IFS and Ego States therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles:

What Are Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?

What Are Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?

 

How to Experience a Healthy Relationship to Joy and Pleasure

Changing Your Sex Script

 

Expanding Your Perspective About 1ntimacy

Many people think of sex as being exclusively penis-in-vagina (also known as P-in-V), but sex is so much more than P-in-V (see my article: Understanding Your Sex Script).

Expanding Your Perspective About Intimacy

P-in-V sex for heterosexual couples is one aspect of sex, but it's important to develop a broader perspective about sex, which is the purpose of this article.

Why Is It Important to Develop a Broader Perspective About Sex?

A broader perspective about sex includes:

• A Validation of Non-Penetrative Activities: Non-penetrative sex is also called "outercourse" to distinguish it from intercourse. There are many other non-penetrative sexual activities that are pleasurable. These activities are often referred to as "foreplay", but that word diminishes sexual activities that many people prefer. It's also a narrow heteronormative view of sex that invalidates what many people like (see my article: Changing Your Sex Script).

Expanding Your Perspective About Intimacy

• An Improvement in Sexual Satisfaction, Especially For Women: The majority of women don't orgasm from penetrative sex alone. Many of them require clitoral stimulation to have an orgasm or for sex to even be pleasurable. Expanding the definition of sex to include other forms of sexual stimulation can lead to more fulfilling sexual experiences for women (see my article: To Improve Intimacy, Get Off the Sexual Staircase).

Expanding Your Perspective About Intimac

• LGBTQIA+ Experiences: Defining sex as P-in-V invalidates the experiences of gay, lesbian, bisexual, trans, queer and asexual people. An expanded perspective of sex includes all consensual pleasurable activities between partners.

• A Non-Performative Perspective on Sex: Focusing exclusively on penetrative sex can create pressure, anxiety and stress. For instance, when sex is seen as solely penetrative, it can place a lot of pressure on men to maintain an erection, which can develop into an anxiety spiral that creates problems with erections. Broadening the definition of sex allows partners to focus on mutual pleasure rather than performance (see my article: What is Performative Sex?).

Expanding Your Perspective About Intimacy

• An Accommodation For Different Abilities and Preferences: For people who have different sexual abilities due to aging, physical pain or other conditions, non-performative sex can be a fulfilling alternative. It also offers other options for couples who might prefer other sexual activities than penetrative sex (see my article: 5 Common Myths About Sex in Long Term Relationships).

Expanding Your Perspective About Intimacy

• An Increase in Emotional Intimacy: Non-performative sex (or outercourse) can enhance emotional connection by emphasizing communication, exploration and intimacy without the pressure of performative sex (see my article: Emotional Vulnerability as a Pathway to Greater Emotional and Sexual Intimacy).

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

Many individual adults and couples would like to broaden their sexual activities, but they don't know where to start.

Sex therapy is a form of talk therapy where a sex therapist focuses on sexual issues (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).

There are no physical exams, nudity or sex during sex therapy sessions. 

If you have been having sexual problems you haven't been able to resolve on your own, you could benefit from seeking help from a licensed mental health professional who is a sex therapist.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help in sex therapy so you can have a more fulfilling sex life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT Couples Therapist, Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Relationships: How to Navigate the Commitment Stage of a Relationship

I have been focusing on the 5 Stages of Relationships in my recent articles:

How to Navigate the 5 Relationship Stages

How to Navigate the Uncertainty Stage

How to Navigate the Adjustment Stage

In the current article, I'm focusing on the Commitment Stage and how to navigate changes in this stage of your relationship.

How to Navigate the Commitment Stage of a Relationship

As a recap: The 5 Relationship Stages including the:

• Honeymoon Stage
• Uncertainty Stage
• Adjustment Stage
• Commitment Stage
• Acceptance Stage

For a detailed explanation of each stage, see my prior article.

What is the Commitment Stage of a Relationship?

The Commitment Stage usually occurs after two or more years.

The Commitment Stage includes:

• An acceptance of each other flaws and annoying habits

• An awareness that the positive aspects of the relationship outweigh the negative aspects

• An increased comfort with each other than in the prior stages

• A feeling of safety and security in the relationship

What Are the Challenges of the Commitment Stage?

• Continue improving your communication skills (see my article: Improving Communication Skills: Do You Want to Be Heard, Helped or Hugged?

• Assess if your needs and wants are being responded to by your partner and vice versa

• Maintain an awareness of the goals you and your partner have set

• Become aware of the sexual intimacy in your relationship and if the need for security and safety have decreased the sexual intimacy (see my article:  Balancing Emotional Security and Eroticism in Your Relationship).

Clinical Vignette

The following vignette, which is a composite of many different cases to protect confidentiality, illustrates the challenges of the Commitment Stage and how couples therapy can help:

Jane and Bill

Three years into their relationship, Jane and Bill got engaged. 

At that point, they were living together for two years and they felt comfortable, secure and emotionally safe with each other.

How to Navigate the Commitment Stage of a Relationship

They had already navigated the challenges of Honeymoon, Uncertainty and Adjustment Stages, but they were having problems with sexual intimacy in their relationship so they sought help from a couples therapist who was also a certified sex therapist.

In their couples therapy they realized that their relationship, which was once passionate and exciting, had transitioned into almost a friendship once they became emotionally secure and safe with each other.

While they were happy that they felt close to each other, they missed the sexual passion they once experienced in the earlier part of their relationship.

Their couples/sex therapist helped them to keep their emotional intimacy while improving their sexual intimacy. 

They realized they had gradually let go of the sexual part of their relationship which got crowded out by work and personal obligations. 

They didn't expect sex to be as exciting as it had been during the Honeymoon Stage of their relationship, but they wanted to have more satisfying sex.

Although they were reluctant to do it at first, they learned to schedule sex so it didn't get crowded out of their schedule (see my article: The Benefits of Scheduling Sex).

They realized that, before they lived together, the longing and anticipation during the early stage of their relationship was no longer present (see my article: A Cornerstone of Eroticism: Longing and Anticipation).

They also learned from their couples/sex therapist about spontaneous and responsive desire and that most couples who have been together for a while experience responsive desire.

Responsive desire means they might not feel sexually turned on before they begin to have sex, but they could get turned on once they start (see my article: Spontaneous and Responsive Desire Are Both Common and Normal).

Both Jane and Bill were skeptical at first, but they agreed to include sex in their schedule and realized that it was true that once they began kissing, they both got turned on and could have satisfying sex.

How to Navigate the Commitment Stage of a Relationship

They also learned about certain sex therapy techniques like the simmer technique which helped them to simmer sexual desire between their sexual encounters (see my article: Creating the Potential For Sexual Desire With the Simmering Technique).

With help in couples/sex therapy, Jane and Bill learned to have passionate sex again.

Conclusion

One of the potential problems of the Commitment Stage is that the security and safety of the relationship can transform the relationship into a friendship or roommate situation.

This change can occur so gradually that it might take a couple a while to realize that sex has gone out the window.

The good news is that a couple can revive their sex life so they can have satisfying sex again with the help of a couples therapist who is also trained in sex therapy (most couples therapists are not trained in sex therapy).

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

If you and your partner are struggling in your relationship, rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who works with couples.

If your problems include sexual problems, see a therapist who is also a certified sex therapist.

Working with a licensed therapist who has an expertise related to your problems can help you to have a more fulfilling relationship.

About Me

I am licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

What Are Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?

I have over 20 years of experience working with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Relationships: "I Love My Partner, But I'm Not In Love With My Partner"

A common issue that comes up in individual and couples therapy is that one or both people in a relationship feel they love their partner but they're not in love with their partner (see my article: How to Develop Your Relationship Beyond the Honeymoon Phase).

"I Love My Partner, But I'm Not in Love With My Partner"

Many people will say they were once in love with their partner, but they no longer feel that way. They worry about what this means for them as individuals and for the stability of the relationship.

Transitioning From In Love to Mature Love

As I have discussed in prior articles, relationships often start with that heady, passionate, in love feeling, known as the limerence, which lasts anywhere from a few months to a couple of years (see my article: What Are the 3 Stages of Limerence?).

"I Love My Partner, But I'm Not in Love With My Partner"

After that, as the couple deepen their emotional connection, those initial feelings usually transition into mature love.

This is the time when the couple deepen their communication, develop emotional honesty and mutual respect for one another to build a lasting connection that includes emotional vulnerability, empathy and a commitment to personal growth as well as the growth of the relationship.

• Moving Beyond Infatuation: During the initial stage of a relationship, you might feel intense romantic and sexual feelings. You might even have a sense of being swept away.

"I Love My Partner, But I'm Not in Love With My Partner"

• Evolving Connection: As the heady feelings subside, if the relationship is going well, you both focus on understanding each other's wants, needs and values.

• Developing Open and Honest Communication With Empathy: If the relationship is going well, you both feel comfortable enough to share your thoughts and feelings with a lack of judgment and a sense of vulnerability. This helps you both to develop emotional intimacy and trust, which is essential to a strong relationship.

• Learning to Adapt: Transitioning from the heady in love phase to a relationship with a deeper connection requires patience, flexibility and a willingness to adapt to changes in the relationship.

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette illustrates the challenges of transitioning from the passionate "in love" phase of a relationship to a more mature loving relationship. It also illustrates how couples therapy can help. As always, this case is a composite of many different cases with all information changed to protect confidentiality.

Sue and John

Five years into their marriage, John began to worry about his feelings for Sue. He knew he loved her, but he no longer felt in love with her the way he used to feel when they were together the first two years.

For a while, he didn't know how to talk to Sue about this because he didn't want to hurt her feelings, so he avoided it. Instead, he began spending more time on his own at night and he waited for Sue to fall asleep before he went to bed.

After a year had passed and they stopped having sex, Sue asked John if there was anything wrong. Initially, John told her that there was nothing wrong. He made up excuses about being too tired and stressed out to explain his lack of sexual desire. But after they went on a romantic vacation to the Caribbean and John still didn't want to have sex, Sue knew there was something wrong.

"I Love My Partner, But I'm Not in Love With My Partner"

After Sue insisted on knowing what was troubling him, John admitted reluctantly that he loved her but he wasn't in love with her.  

At first, Sue was very upset. She accepted that her own initial passionate feelings had changed to a more mature way of loving. But she was afraid that since he was struggling with his feelings, this meant he was going to leave her. In response, John told her he wasn't sure what it meant, so he suggested they seek help.

Their couples therapist was also a sex therapist. She normalized their situation. She said most relationships go through this transition after a while and they could both learn to adapt.

She helped them to develop a deeper emotional connection with each other by helping them to develop new relationship skills for this phase of the relationship. Specifically, they found ways to communicate in an open and honest way, to share new interests, and to rekindle their sex life.

Over time, they both began to enjoy this phase of their relationship. They realized that, even though it might not be as "exciting" as it had been before, what they had together was so much more than just excitement and passion. They had a deeper connection that continued to develop.

Conclusion

The heady and passionate in love phase doesn't last forever in most relationships.

Once couples learn to appreciate the mature love that has developed over time, most of them wouldn't trade that for all the sexual and romantic excitement they felt during the early phase of their relationship.

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

Many couples need help to transition to the mature phase of love.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help in couples/sex therapy.

A skilled couples therapist can help you to have a more loving and fulfilling relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (couples therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I have over 20 years of experience working with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Coping with Pregnancy Loss

It is a little known fact that approximately 10-20% of all pregnancies end in a miscarriage.

The actual number might be even higher because most miscarriages occur early in the pregnancy and many women don't even realize they had a miscarriage. 

Coping With Pregnancy Loss

Some of these women don't even realize they were pregnant before they had a miscarriage.

Coping With Pregnancy Loss

The sense of loss for women and their partners can be profound and isolating because, unlike other losses, there are no funerals or rituals to process this loss with their loved ones. 

In addition, family and friends are often not emotionally supportive. 

Coping With Pregnancy Loss

Some loved ones can be emotionally invalidating by brushing off the loss and telling the woman and her partner, "Oh, you can just try again" as if there was no loss at all involved with the miscarriage.

Aside from feeling the sadness of the loss, many women also feel ashamed and guilty because they believe they did something to cause the loss--even when it's objectively clear that they didn't.

Many loved ones believe a miscarriage is no loss at all because they believe there wasn't enough time for the woman to develop an emotional attachment. But this negates the fact that the woman and her partner had a dream of having a child and now that dream is lost.

Difficulty Grieving Pregnancy Loss

Many women and their partners never grieve for pregnancy loss, but the trauma of the miscarriage lives within them and between them.

Coping With Pregnancy Loss

The lack of rituals to grieve the loss with loved ones often leads the woman and her partner to suppress their emotions about the loss so they can "move on" and try to get pregnant again.

What Are the Possible Consequences of Not Grieving a Pregnancy Loss?

Failing to process the loss can result in physical, emotional and relationship difficulties:

Physical symptoms might include:

• Fatigue
• Sleep disturbance
• Change in appetite (either under-eating or over-eating)
• Physical discomfort

Emotional symptoms might include:

• Depression
• Anxiety
• PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder)
• Guilt
• Shame
• Complicated grief where the grief becomes prolonged and intense
• Isolation due to avoiding the judgment of others

Relationship difficulties might include:

• Difficulty communicating about their feelings about the miscarriage including fear of talking about the loss
• Problems being sexual with each other after the loss
• A higher risk of a breakup as compared to couples who experience a live birth

How to Cope With Pregnancy Loss

• Be Emotionally Supportive of Each Other: Even though you and your partner might not feel the same way about the pregnancy loss, be supportive of each other.

• Get Emotional Support From Loved Ones Who Understand: You want to confide in people who will be supportive and who will not make you feel emotionally invalidated. Anyone who would be likely to dismiss your feelings by saying, "Just move on and try to get pregnant again" isn't the right person to confide in.

• Grieve the Loss of the Pregnancy and Your Dream of Having a Baby At That Point in Your Life: Grieve in any way that is meaningful to you. Each of you might have different ways of grieving. Respect that. There is no one "right way" to grieve a pregnancy loss.

• Get Help in Therapy: Get help in couples therapy with a supportive therapist who helps clients with grief, especially grief related to a miscarriage. If your partner refuses to go, at first, start going yourself and your partner might join you in time.

Seeking Help in Therapy For Pregnancy Loss

You and your partner might not be ready to seek help in therapy immediately after the pregnancy loss, but don't struggle too long with your loss by yourselves.

Seeking Help in Therapy For Pregnancy Loss

A compassionate psychotherapist who has experience helping clients with loss can help you to grieve your loss so you don't develop the physical, emotional and relational problems mentioned above.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional has the expertise to help you to work through your loss.

Also See My Article:

How to Cope With Pregnancy Loss When You and Your Partner Have Different Feelings

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I have helped many individual adults and couples to overcome grief.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.