Arousal Nonconcordance and a History of Sexual Abuse

This article was updated on September 19, 2026.

Arousal nonconcordance is the physiological phenomenon where a person's physical body responds sexually (such as through lubrication or erection) while their mind feels zero emotional or psychological desire. For survivors of sexual trauma, understanding this disconnect is a vital step toward healing and releasing unearned shame.

Understanding the disconnect between mind and body is a powerful first step toward trauma recovery and reclaiming your narrative.

Topics:

• What is Arousal Nonconcordance?
• The Difference Between Sexual Desire vs. Sexual Arousal
• Examples of Arousal Nonconcordance
• The Connection to Trauma and Memories of Sexual Abuse
• How Trauma Healing and Role Play Can Empower Survivors
• Finding the Right Trauma-Informed Sex Therapist

What is Arousal Nonconcordance?

Arousal nonconcordance occurs when there is a distinct disconnect between how someone feels physically and how they feel emotionally and psychologically.

Essentially, it means physical signs of sexual response do not automatically equal psychological desire. It manifests in two distinct ways:

• A person feels physically aroused, but they do not want to have sex.
• A person emotionally desires sex, but their body does not respond with physical arousal.

(For a deeper dive into the foundations of this concept, see my companion article: What is Arousal Nonconcordance?)

The Difference Between Sexual Desire vs. Sexual Arousal

To fully understand this concept, it helps to distinguish between the mind's intent and the body's autonomous reflexes.

• Sexual Desire: This is a purely psychological state. Often described as being "in the mood," desire is a state of mind heavily influenced by emotions, thoughts, stress levels, relationship dynamics, and the immediate context.
• Sexual Arousal: This is an autonomous physical response. It involves involuntary physiological changes, such as increased blood flow to the genitals, lubrication, or erection. Arousal is frequently triggered by automatic physical cues, visual stimuli, touch or sudden memories.

While sexual desire and sexual arousal frequently occur together, they operate on separate systems. Arousal nonconcordance is the clear proof that your body can react independently of your conscious mind.

Examples of Arousal Nonconcordance:

The following clinical vignettes, which are composite cases, illustrate how common and varied this experience is across different relationships:

• Liz and Jane (Lubrication vs. Desire): Liz feels deeply turned on while kissing Jane. However, when Jane touches Liz's genitals, she notices Liz feels dry. Jane assumes this means Liz doesn't want to have sex and stops. Liz gently tells her that even though her body hasn't caught up yet, she intensely desires Jane. They communicate, continue kissing, and enjoy making love.
• Mary and Bill (Unwanted Physical Arousal): Bill touches Mary's genitals to initiate sex. Mary has a severe headache and explicitly states she is not in the mood. Confused, Bill says, "But you're wet, how are you not in the mood?" Mary explains that her body's lubrication is just an automatic reflex, but she lacks the psychological desire to have sex right now. They wait until morning, when Mary feels better, to enjoy intimacy.
• John and Ed (Desire vs. Erection Performance): While in bed, John tells Ed he wants to have sex. During foreplay, Ed notices John does not have an erection and withdraws, assuming John isn't attracted to him. John reassures Ed that he desires him completely, but anxiety is blocking his physical response. After cuddling quietly to calm John's nervous system, his body relaxes and he achieves an erection.

Arousal Nonconcordance and Memories of Sexual Abuse

Understanding arousal nonconcordance is absolutely critical for individuals navigating a history of sexual abuse or managing unexpected sexual trauma triggers.

Why Does the Body Get Aroused During Abuse?

During an assault, or when experiencing intrusive memories of past trauma, the human body may automatically lubricate or erect. This is an involuntary, biological survival reflex. The body reacts to physical touch or heightened nervous system arousal to protect itself from tissue damage. It does not mean the victim enjoyed, wanted, or consented to the abuse.

Overcoming the Cycle of Shame and Self-Blame

Because many survivors are unaware of how arousal nonconcordance works, experiencing a physical reaction during or after an assault causes immense confusion. Survivors frequently experience:

• Intense feelings of shame, guilt, and self-blame.
• The mistaken belief that they "secretly wanted it" or that "something is wrong with them."
• Distressing flashbacks triggered during healthy, consensual intimacy (see my guide on Coping With Trauma: Managing Sexual Triggers).

If you experienced physical arousal during trauma, there is absolutely nothing wrong with you. You are not to blame. Your body simply did what it was biologically wired to do to protect itself.

How Trauma Healing and Roleplay Can Empower Survivors

Every survivor's healing journey looks completely different. While some people choose to accept their body's automatic responses and move forward, others actively use creative clinical strategies to reclaim their bodily autonomy.

One therapeutic approach involves consensual trauma-informed roleplay with a trusted, safe partner. During the original trauma, the survivor had zero control over their body or the outcome. In a structured, highly communicative roleplay setting, the survivor uses their imagination to dictate the rules, set firm boundaries, and experience a safe, completely different outcome. By rewriting the script, the roleplay acts as a powerful tool for emotional somatic healing.

Finding the Right Trauma-Informed Sex Therapist

The vast majority of general mental health professionals receive very little, if any, training in human sexuality, and many do not understand the mechanics of arousal nonconcordance.

If you want to safely process unwanted physical responses, heal from trauma, and rebuild a fulfilling intimate life, it is essential to work with a practitioner dually trained in both sex therapy and trauma resolution (learn more here: What Are Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?).

About Josephine Ferraro, LCSW

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, Certified Sex Therapist and Trauma Specialist with over 20 years of experience helping individuals and couples heal trauma and reclaim their intimacy in my office in Greenwich Village, New York City (10011) and online.

My practice integrates specialized modalities including EMDR, AEDP, IFS, Somatic Experiencing, Hypnotherapy, and Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) for individuals and couples.

I offer a complementary 15 minute phone call before setting up an appointment.

Ready to reclaim your narrative?
To set up a private consultation at my NYC practice, contact me today:

• Website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

• Phone: (917) 742-2624
• Website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist
• Email: josephineferraro@iCloud.com

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What is Complex Trauma?

While a single event, like a car accident or a natural disaster, can cause acute shock trauma, complex trauma refers to a severe psychological condition resulting from chronic, repetitive interpersonal wounds. 

Often rooted in childhood abuse, profound neglect, or ongoing domestic captivity, complex trauma occurs over an extended period, forcing the individual to develop survival adaptations that impact long-term mental health. As a trauma therapist in New York City, I see firsthand how understanding the multi-layered nature of Complex PTSD (C-PTSD) is the vital first step toward true clinical recovery and systemic healing.

What is Complex Trauma?

According to SAMHSA (Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration), 1 in 7 children experience abuse or neglect.

What Are the Symptoms of Complex Trauma For Adults?

The symptoms of complex trauma can include any of the following:

• Feeling anxious
• Feeling depressed
• Experiencing flashbacks
• Experiencing nightmares
• Avoiding circumstances that remind you of the traumatic events (emotional avoidance)
• Having difficulty managing emotions
• Perceiving yourself in a distorted way
• Feeling worthless
• Avoiding or having difficulty with personal relationships
• Feeling disconnected from yourself or others (a form of dissociation)
• Having problems remembering parts of your childhood 
• Having difficulty providing a comprehensive narrative of your childhood memories, which can include fragmented memories.
• Experiencing sleep problems
• Experiencing sexual problems
• Experiencing medical problems, like Type 2 diabetes
• Feeling body aches, including migraines, stomach and digestive problems, arthritis
• Experiencing low energy or fatigue
• Misusing drugs, alcohol, tobacco, food
• Engaging in other compulsive or impulsive behavior, including compulsive gambling, sexual compulsivity, and other behaviors

Examples of Complex Trauma

Complex trauma usually begins in childhood.  These events are recurrent, overwhelming and longstanding, and they are usually perpetrated by other adults, like family members, family friends, neighbors, clergy, and so on.  These incidents often occur over a span of weeks, months or years.

Examples of complex trauma include:

• Physical abuse

• Emotional abuse

• Sexual abuse (see my article: Overcoming the Trauma of Sexual Abuse)

• Profound child emotional neglect (see my article: What is Childhood Emotional Neglect?)

• Abandonment

• Parentification (role reversal where child takes on the parental role)

• Medical abuse or trauma

• Torture or being held captive

• Living in a war zone or in an area with civil unrest

And so on.

Mind-Body Oriented Psychotherapy For Complex Trauma

The following mind-body oriented therapies are often effective to overcome complex trauma:

• EMDR Therapy which stands for Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (see my article: How EMDR Therapy Works: EMDR and the Brain)

• Somatic Experiencing Therapy (see my article: Trauma Therapy: The Therapeutic Benefits of Somatic Experiencing)

• AEDP, which stands for Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy (see my articles: What is AEDP?  Part 1 and Part 2).

• Hypnotherapy, which is also known as Clinical Hypnosis (see my article: What is Clinical Hypnosis?)

• Parts Work Therapy: Ego States Therapy of Internal Family System (see my article: How Parts Work Can Be Empowering)

Get Help in Therapy

If you are experiencing complex trauma symptoms, you could benefit from working with a trauma therapist (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

Once you have worked through your unresolved trauma, you can lead a more fulfilling life.

About Josephine Ferraro, LCSW

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, IFS, Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I am a trauma therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

I provide a free 15 minute phone call before setting up an appointment.

I see clients in my office in Greenwich Village in New York City and online.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

How Avoidance of 1ntimacy Turns Into Emotional Distance in Relationships

One of the most common reasons why couples seek help in couples therapy is due to lack of emotional and sexual intimacy (see my article: Have You and Your Partner Stopped Having Sex?).

Sexual Avoidance Turns Into Emotional Distance

Why Do Couples Avoid Emotional and Sexual Intimacy?

Emotional and sexual avoidance is a complex issue with many possible causes including relational and psychological issues.

Sexual avoidance creates relationship distance by transforming lack of sexual avoidance into emotional detachment. 

Sexual Avoidance Turns Into Emotional Distance

Sexual avoidance is rarely just about sex. It often involves relational, emotional, psychological and behavioral factors. For some couples, it can include physical and medical factors.

Sexual avoidance and emotional distance often stem from one or both partners feeling the need to protect themselves from against vulnerability and pressure. 

Sexual Avoidance Turns Into Emotional Distance

This can set up a cycle where an avoidant partner pulls away and the other partner feels rejected, anxious and lonely.

Here are some of the most common reasons for sexual avoidance and emotional distance:

Relational Issues:

• Communication problems
  

• Lack of trust
  

• Power struggles
  

• Mismatched libido (also known as desire discrepancy)
  

• Lack of relationship satisfaction

• Other unresolved problems

Emotional and Psychological Issues:

Unresolved trauma for one or both partners including:

• A history of sexual abuse
  

• A history of sexual assault

• Anxiety including

• Performance anxiety
  

• Painful sex
  

• General anxiety
  

• Low self esteem
  

• Body image issues
  

• Negative conditioning including strict cultural or religious beliefs that associate sex with guilt and shame (see my article: Overcoming Shame and Guilt Due to Cultural Issues).

Physical or Medical Conditions

• Chronic pain

• Cardiovascular problems

• Diabetes

• Hormonal imbalances including low testosterone

Behavioral Patterns

• An obsessive avoidance of sexual intimacy

• A tendency to detach emotionally or feel unsafe with closeness

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

Sex therapy is a form of talk therapy where individuals or couples seek help (see my article:    What is Sex Therapy?).

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

Sex therapy does not include any nudity or sex during therapy sessions (see my article: What Are Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?).

Individuals and couples seek help in sex therapy for a variety of reasons (see my article: What Are Common Reasons Why Individuals and Couples Seek Help in Sex Therapy?).

Not all couples therapists have training as sex therapists so it's important to ask whether or not a couples therapist is a certified sex therapist.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who ia a certified sex therapist.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have over 25 years of experience working with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles:

What is Sexual Self Esteem?

What is Good Sex?

Creating Sexual Desire With the Simmer Technique?