Arousal Non-Concordance and a History of Sexual Abuse

In an earlier article, I wrote about arousal non-concordance to explain what it is and to normalize it as a common experience for many people (see my article: What is Arousal Non-Concordance?).

Arousal Non-Concordance and a History of Sexual Abuse

What is Arousal Non-Concordance?

Arousal non-concordance occurs when there is a disconnect between how someone feels physically and how they feel emotionally and psychologically.

Arousal non-concordance can occur when someone feels physically aroused, but they don't want to have sex. 

It can also occur when someone wants to have sex, but they don't feel physically aroused.

What is the Difference Between Sexual Desire and Sexual Arousal?

Arousal non-concordance highlights the difference between feeling sexual desire and sexual arousal.  

Sexual desire is a psychological state. It's a state of mind which is often described as being "in the mood" to have sex.  Desire is often influenced by thoughts, emotions and the particular context a person is in.

Sexual arousal is a physical response which can include changes in erection and lubrication. 

Sexual arousal is often triggered by visual or physical cues or memories.

Sexual desire and sexual arousal often go together--but not always. This is evident with arousal non-concordance.

Examples of Arousal Non-Concordance

The following short vignettes are just a few examples of arousal non-concordance:

• Liz and Jane: Liz feels sexually turned on when Jane kisses her. But when Jane touches Liz's genitals, she discovers Liz feels dry. As a result, Jane assumes Liz doesn't want to have sex so she stops kissing her. She assumes that if Liz was turned on, she would be lubricated. So, Liz tells Jane that, even though she's not wet, she really wants Jane, so they continue to kiss and make love.

• Mary and Bill: Bill touched Mary's genitals and she knew this meant he wanted to have sex. But she had a headache and she wasn't in the mood. She told Bill that she loves him, but she would rather wait until the morning to have sex after her headache goes away. Bill was confused and said to Mary, "You're so wet. I don't understand how you're not in the mood." Mary explained to him that her body was sexually aroused, but she wasn't  desiring sex at that moment. By the morning, Mary's headache was gone away and she and Bill enjoyed sex.

• John and Ed: John and Ed were in bed when John told Ed that he wanted to have sex. But during foreplay Ed noticed that John wasn't getting an erection so he stopped kissing and touching him because he assumed that John didn't desire him. At that point, John explained that, even though he really desired Ed a lot, he sometimes had problems having an erection when he was anxious. He said he just needed to relax. So after they cuddled for a while, John felt calmer and he was able to have an erection.

Arousal Non-Concordance and Memories of Sexual Abuse

Arousal non-concordance can occur under many circumstances, including while having memories of sexual abuse (see my article: Overcoming the Trauma of Sexual Abuse).

Arousal Non-Concordance and Memories of Sexual Abuse

The concept of arousal non-concordance is important to understand when there is a history of sexual abuse.

Many children and adults, who were sexually abused, might have felt physically aroused when they were being abused--even though they had no desire to be sexual with their abuser. 

This happens because the body can become sexually aroused even though the person has no desire to have sex (see my article: Coping With Trauma: Managing Sexual Abuse Triggers).

It's common for people who were sexually abused to get confused about why they get physically aroused with these memories because they don't know about arousal non-concordance. They feel like there's something wrong with them or they were to blame for the sexual abuse. But, in fact, there's nothing wrong with them at all and they're not to blame.

Everyone is different. Some people who were abused feel ashamed and guilty about getting aroused by the memories.

Other people accept their arousal as a common experience and they're not bothered by it.  

Other people incorporate their earlier experience in a roleplay with a partner to feel empowered. In other words, when the original experience occurred, they had no control over what was happening to them. But in a roleplay with a partner they use their imagination to feel in control and they experience a different outcome. 

In that sense, the roleplay becomes healing for them.

Getting Help in Therapy

Most licensed mental health professionals have no sex therapy training and don't understand arousal non-concordance.

Getting Help in Therapy

If you want to work through issues around arousal non-concordance, including a history of trauma, you need to work with a psychotherapist who has training in both sex therapy and trauma therapy.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a psychotherapist who has the expertise you need so you can live a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

With over 20 years of experience, I have helped individual adults and couples to resolve sexual and/or trauma-related issues (see my article: What Are Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

How Women Who Have Lost Sexual Desire Can Get It Back

There is no such thing as "normal" when it comes to sexual desire. Each person is different.

How Women Who Have Lost Sexual Desire Can Get It Back

What Are Some of the Reasons Why Women Lose Their Sexual Desire?

For women a decrease or loss of sexual desire can occur for many reasons. 

Here are just a few of the many reasons why women can experience a loss of sexual desire:

• Stress
• Anxiety
  
• Depression
• Painful sex
  
• Unfulfilling sex
• A negative body image
• A partner with sexual problems
• Problems in a relationship
• Problems in the family
• Unresolved grief
  
• Hormonal changes
• Medical issues
• Side effects from medication
• A history of sexual abuse
• A history of other unresolved trauma
• Financial problems

Tips For Getting Back Sexual Desire That Might Be Helpful

Although every woman is different and there is no one-size-fits-all answer for getting back your libido, consider the following tips which might be helpful for you:

• Start by Visiting Your Medical Doctor: Don't make assumptions about why you're experiencing a loss of sexual desire. Before you do anything else, visit your doctor to rule out any medical problems.  Once medical problems have been ruled out, you can consider other options listed below.

• If There Was a Time When You Used to Enjoy Sex, Think About What Changed Since That Time: If there was a time when you enjoyed sex more, think about what you used to enjoy. Make a list of these experiences. Then, consider how changes in your life might have had a negative impact on your libido. Next, think about what you can do to address these issues and write them down. This list could include:

• The birth of a child 
• Elder care responsibilities
• A death in the family
• A major disappointment at home or work
• A downturn in your finances
• A relationship betrayal
• Sleep problems
• Other losses or changes in your life (see the list at the beginning of this article).

• Reduce Your Stress: Stress can be a major factor in decreasing your libido. Think about how stress might be affecting you and consider healthy ways to reduce, including:
• A doctor-approved exercise regime

• Yoga 

Reduce Your Stress

• Breathing exercises

• Mindfulness meditation
  

• Other stress reducing methods that are right for you

• Assess Your Sexual Turn-ons and Turn-offs: Sex therapist Dr. Jack Morin created two surveys in his book, The Erotic Mind: The Sexual Excitement Survey and the Sexual Inhibition Survey that help you to assess your sexual turn-ons and turn-offs.  Start by assessing the factors that dampen your libido and then consider the factors that get you sexually turned on. See my articles: 

• Getting to Know Your Own and Your Partner's Sexual Turn-ons and Turn-offs)

• Why is Context So Important For Sexual Desire?
  

• Consider How You Get Yourself in the Mood For Sex: Most women experience responsive desire as opposed to simultaneous sexual desire, especially if they're in a long term relationship (this is also true for many men in long term relationships). For people in a long term relationship, it takes more effort to get sexually turned on compared to when the relationship was new.  If you're expecting to automatically get turned on when you begin having sex with a long term partner, chances are you'll be disappointed. Instead of just looking at how your partner tries to get you turned on, consider how you get yourself in the mood for sex. What part of yourself do you bring to the sexual encounter? Do you take time to relax and get into an erotic frame of mind beforehand or do you approach sex as if it's a chore? In her TED Talk, sex and relationship therapist Ester Perel, Ph.D. suggests you consider "I get myself turned on when _____________" and "I get myself turned off when ________________."  You can fill in the blanks for yourself.

• Consider Whether You're Unhappy With Sex in Your Relationship: If you have a sexual partner, think about whether you're not feeling sexually fulfilled during sex.  Sexual desire doesn't occur in a vacuum.  Even if you're able to get yourself in the mood for sex, no one gets turned on by unsatisfying sex. If you're having unsatisfying sex, the problem might not be with your libido, especially if you're turned on during solo sex/masturbation. It's a relationship and sexual problem between you and your partner, and you and your partner need to talk. See my articles: 

• How to Talk to Your Partner About Sex - Part 1 and Part 2 

Talk to Your Partner

• Heterosexual Women Can Be Labeled as Having Low Sexual Desire When the Real Problem is Their Sexual Needs Aren't Being Met)

• Closing the Orgasm Gap Between Heterosexual Men and Women

• Think About Whether You're Bored and in a Sexual Rut: Whether you're single or in a relationship, if you're bored and in a sexual rut, you could benefit from changing things up.  See my articles: 

• What is Your Erotic Blueprint?

• Creating a Sexual Menu With a Yes, No, Maybe List)

• Get Help in Sex Therapy: If your doctor has ruled out any medical problems and you're unable to get back your libido, consider seeing a sex therapist.  Sex therapy is a form of talk therapy for individuals and couples. People who attend sex therapy go for a variety of reasons. There is no physical exam, nudity or sex during sex therapy.  A skilled sex therapist can help you to revive your sex life so you can have fulfilling sex again on your own and/or with a partner.  See my articles:

• What is Sex Therapy?

• What Are Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?

• What Are Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a sex positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 or email me.

Why Is Sexual Context So Important For Sexual Desire?

In Dr. Emily Nagoski's New York Times bestselling book, Come As You Are, she discusses why sexual context is so important to understand sexual desire (see my article: Understanding Why You and Your Partner Experience Sexual Arousal in Different Ways).

Sexual Context is Important For Sexual Desire

Understanding sexual context is key to understanding why you might feel sexual at certain times and not others.  

What is Sexual Context?

According to Dr. Nagoski, sexual context includes: 

Your Circumstances in the Moment:

• Whom you're with
• Where you are
• Whether the situation is novel or familiar, risky, safe, and so on

Your State of Mind in the Moment:

• Whether you're relaxed or stressed
• Whether you're trusting or not
• Whether you're loving or not

Examples of How Sexual Context Makes a Difference

The following scenarios are examples of how sexual context makes a difference:

• When her husband, Mike, suggested that they have a quickie while their teenage children went out on a short errand, Betty didn't feel like having a quickie because she had a long stressful day at work.  She knew she would need to unwind first, take a shower to relax and she would need plenty of foreplay to get in the mood for sex, so a quickie wouldn't work for her.  They decided to wait until the weekend when the children would be away for the day visiting their aunt and they would have more time to enjoy sex.

• Ida was excited by the prospect of having sex in public places that felt prohibitive and taboo.  She suggested to Bill that they have sex in a secluded place in a big park, but Bill said he would feel too anxious they would get caught and charged with public indecency, so this idea wasn't a turn-on for him.  He told her he needed privacy to enjoy sex.  Eventually, they decided to be in a consensually non-monogamous relationship so they could each get certain of their sexual needs met and still remain in a primary relationship together.

• John wanted to have sex with his partner, Sara, after they had an argument about his infidelity.  But Sara said she was too angry about his cheating. She felt she couldn't trust him, and she needed to feel safe and trusting to have sex with him (see my article: Learning to Trust Again After an Affair). Eventually, they attended couples to work on their relationship.

• On their first date, Dan invited Lynn over to spend the night with him after a romantic dinner.  Although Lynn was very attracted to Dan, she told him she wasn't comfortable having sex with him on their first date and she wanted to get to know him better before they had sex.  Dan said he was fine with this, and they continued to date.

Sexual Context is Important For Sexual Desire

• Abbie and her partner, Sue, decided their sex life had become too routine and this contributed to the lack of enthusiasm they each felt about having sex.  So, they decided to try something new, sexual role play, to spice things up sexually (see my article: Exploring Sexual Role Play).

• Three years into their relationship, Jim and Alan sought help in sex therapy because they were no longer feeling as sexually turned on with each other as they were when they first met (see my article: The Paradox of Love and Sexual Desire in a Long Term Relationship).  Their sex therapist helped them to overcome this problem.

• Roy had a leather fetish which really turned him on. But when he asked the woman he had been dating for two months, Nina, to wear leather during sex, she told him she wasn't into it.  She preferred to wear latex instead.  Roy was fine with this. They also talked about the particular kinks they each liked and they discovered they had certain kinks in common (see my article: What's the Difference Between a Fetish and a Kink?).

• Sid preferred to have sex after dinner, but Jen found it difficult to get sexually aroused after the big meals they usually had for dinner. She felt too full and bloated. So, they decided to have their big meal for lunch, a smaller meal for dinner before they had sex, and a snack after sex when they were both cuddling and relaxing.

• Ann liked to have sex with his partner, Jack, at night before going to sleep because that's when she felt most relaxed, but Jack was often too tired at night. Jack preferred to have sex in the morning when they both woke up together, but Ann felt too rushed in the morning because she had to be at work early. So, they came up with a compromise where they would have sex earlier in the evening during the week and on Saturday or Sunday morning when neither of them was stressed or rushed.

Confusing Issues Related to Sexual Context with Low Sexual Desire

Many people, especially women, who think they have low sexual desire, are really dealing with issues related to the sexual context they find themselves in.

It's not unusual for medical doctors, who aren't trained in sexual health (this includes many gynecologists) to diagnose a woman with low sexual desire when the real problem is that the sexual context isn't right for her (see my article: Heterosexual Women Are Often Mistakenly Labeled as Having Low Sexual Desire).

Many Women Are Mistakenly Diagnosed With Low Desire

Many of these women get unhelpful recommendations from their health care practitioner, including suggestions to have a glass of wine to relax.  But this doesn't help when the problem is related to the sexual context.

One of the reasons for this is that most health care practitioners, including gynecologists and couples therapists, aren't fully trained in sexual health. As a result, they don't know how to do a thorough psychosocial sexual history to fully assess the problem.  

Differences in Preferred Sexual Contexts Aren't Unusual

When it comes to sexual context, differences between people aren't really different from many other circumstances in life.

For instance, according to Dr. Nagoski, a person might enjoy being tickled while being sexually playful with their partner. However, the same person is unlikely to enjoy being tickled by the same partner if they're having an argument.  That would be annoying.

So, in general, this shows that context is important in most areas of life, including sex.

Understanding the Sexual Contexts of Your Core Erotic Themes

In a prior article, I discussed the importance of getting to know your Core Erotic Themes (CETs) as discussed in Dr. Jack Morin's book, The Erotic Mind (see my article: What Are Your Core Erotic Themes?).  

My prior article explains how CETs originate in childhood and provides examples of CETs.

When you and your partner(s) can discuss each of your CETs, this can help to make sex more enjoyable (see my articles: How to Talk to Your Partner About Sex - Part 1 and Part 2).

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

Sex therapy is a form of talk therapy (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).

There is no physical exam, nudity or sex during sex therapy sessions (see my article: Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy). 

Individuals and couples attend sex therapy for a variety of sexual issues (see my article: Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy).

A skilled sex therapist can help you to overcome the obstacles that are keeping you from having a pleasurable sex life, so rather than struggling on your own, seek help in sex therapy.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a sex positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Creating the Potential For Sexual Desire Using the Sex Drive Simmer Technique

In the last several articles I've written about sex and sex therapy, I have been focusing on the book, Sex Talks by Sex Therapist Vanessa Marin.

Creating the Potential For Sexual Desire

In her book, she discussed a technique called the Sex Drive Simmer that has the potential to create sexual desire for individuals and couples.

I'll discuss more about the Sex Drive Simmer technique later on in this article.

What is Sexual Energy?

First, I want to focus on defining sexual energy since this is a crucial part of the Sex Drive Simmer technique.

Most people associate sexual energy with the sexual tension between two people. Although this is one definition of sexual energy, it's not the only one and it's not the one I'm referring to in this article.

Your sexual energy is your life force and it contributes to your vitality, creativity and your overall sense of well-being.

Tips on How to Connect With Your Sexual Energy

To connect with your sexual energy you need to become aware of your body and how energy flows in your body.

 

The Body Scan Meditation:

One way to become aware of your body is to do the Body Scan Meditation. Choose a quiet time and place when you won't be interrupted for at least 5-10 minutes.

The Body Scan Meditation

Start by closing your eyes and doing the Square Breathing exercise to calm and ground yourself.  

Then, focus on the crown of your head and slowly bring your awareness to the rest of your body and notice where you're holding onto any tension.

As you're scanning your body, notice what's happening with the energy in your body. This often takes practice, but if you do the body scan once a day for at least a few minutes, you'll start to notice what's happening energetically in your body. 

Eventually, you'll probably notice that energy moves subtly throughout the body and you can track it.  

After a while, if you keep practicing, you'll also notice how your sexual energy ebbs and flows throughout the day.

As an Aside: People who do Kundalini yoga become especially adept at feeling how sexual energy flows throughout their body. I'm just mentioning it here, but it's outside the scope of this article for me to go into this in detail for the purpose of this article.

In general, being able to detect, develop and maintain a degree of sexual energy is predicated on your overall health and how well you take care of yourself with regard to eating nutritious food, getting enough sleep, and exercising at a rate that's healthy and right for you.

What is the Sex Drive Simmer Technique?

As I mentioned earlier, Sex Therapist Vanessa Marin discusses the Sex Drive Simmering technique in her book, Sex Talks.  

She recommends that, instead of trying to get sexually turned on before you have sex with your partner, you use this technique right after you have sex and keep the sexual energy simmering until the next time you have sex.

Creating the Potential For Sexual Desire

As an example, if you and your partner have sex on a Sunday morning, right after you have sex, focus on maintaining a degree of sexual arousal that you can continue to develop and build for the next time you have sex.

This is in contrast to what most people do. Specifically, most people, who are having problems with sex in their relationship, wait until they have sex again to try to develop sexual desire, but this is often a setup for failure when sexual desire is the problem.

To understand why waiting can be a problem, Ms. Marin compares waiting to get turned on to boiling water in a pot. If you start with ice cold water, it's going to take much longer for the water to boil than if you already had the water simmering on the stove.

Similarly, if you can maintain even a low level of sexual desire between one sexual encounter and the next, all other things being equal, you'll be more likely to enjoy sex.

How to Get the Sex Drive Simmer Technique Going

Everyone's degree of sexual desire is going to look different depending upon what gets you sexually turned on and whether you experience responsive desire or spontaneous desire.

There is no right or wrong way to do the Sex Drive Simmer technique. It all depends on what you enjoy sexually.

You can use imagination and experiment to see what works for you.

Creating the Potential For Sexual Desire

The main thing is that you want to increase your sexual awareness in your body and create and build sexual desire.  

Here are things that have worked for sex therapy clients in the past.  

They may or may not work for you depending upon your situation and what you like.

I'm not recommending these things since I don't know you or your partner and what might work best for the two of you.  This is just information about what worked for other clients, which might spark some ideas for you.

    Core Physical Exercises

For some people keeping sexual energy alive involves doing certain core exercises (core exercises include doing planks, crunches, dead bugs, glute bridges and other similar exercises).  

Remember: If you decide to try these exercises, it's very important before beginning any exercise routine, that you check with your doctor first.

Some people say that when they do core exercises, they can feel sexual energy in their genitals. 

These are often people who are sensitive to sexual energy while doing core exercises and some even say they experience orgasms while working on their core. These orgasms have been labeled "Coregasms."  

Although some people say they have this experience, many others say they don't.  So, this isn't something that happens to everyone.

    Psychological Sexual Stimulation

Other people find ways to generate the Sex Drive Simmer through psychological stimulation (also known as psychogenic stimulation).  

This might involve thinking about your favorite sexual fantasies (if you're aware of them) or your peak sexual experiences, watching ethical pornography or whatever you can do to get yourself sexually aroused on a psychological level.

Keeping an Erotic Journal

Many people find it helpful to maintain an erotic journal to write down their peak sexual experiences, sexual fantasies or other important sexual memories.

When you're working with the Sex Drive Simmer technique, you're not necessarily trying to have orgasms. You're mostly trying to maintain some sexual energy bubbling up so that when you and your partner have sex again, you can tap into this energy and you'll already be turned on before you start having sex.

    Generating Sexual Anticipation: Planning a Sex Date With Your Partner

Sexual anticipation falls within the psychological stimulation category.

A lot of people initially dislike hearing their sex therapist ask them to do homework assignments between therapy sessions.  One assignment can be planning a sex date.  

A sex date is a designated time planned in advance when a couple agrees to have sex at home.

Many of these clients who dislike this assignment (at first) mostly dislike it because they're not approaching it with the right attitude and they need to reframe it for themselves.

The reframe is that, instead of dreading the exercise or expecting it to be boring or mechanical, you and your partner learn to look forward to it with sexual longing and anticipation, which is like an aphrodisiac.  

Sexual longing and anticipation assumes that you and your partner can learn to have the kind of sex which each of you can look forward to and enjoy. 

I know that many clients who come to sex therapy don't start out necessarily wanting the sex they've been having or they're having very infrequent sex or any sex at all.

Needless to say, no one wants to have sex they don't enjoy.  So, it's possible that if this is the case for you and your partner, you'll have to work on this aspect of your sex life before you plan a sex date.

In addition, there could be other factors involved, like sexual pain, significant sexual anxiety or other physical or psychological obstacles that need to be addressed first.

However, if there aren't these or other obstacles, many people learn to look forward to planning a sex date in much the same way they did before when they were dating.

Potential Obstacles to Generating Sexual Desire With the Sex Drive Simmer Technique

Aside from the physical or psychological issues mentioned, there can be other obstacles.

A common problem that could get in the way at first is sexual desire discrepancy where one person wants sex more than the other.

There are also many couples where the relationship has deteriorated to such an extent that the couple needs to work on their emotional connection first before they work on their sexual issues.

Other couples have tried unsuccessfully so many times to revive their emotional and sexual connection that they feel hopeless and too afraid to even try again because they don't want to encounter failure.

Unfortunately, many couples wait until it's too late to work on these issues in therapy. So, be aware that the longer you wait, the tougher it will be to resolve them.

Also, many couples go to couples therapists assuming that these therapists are trained in sex therapy, but this is often not the case.  

In fact, as difficult as this might be to believe, most psychotherapists get no training in how to help individuals and couples to overcome sexual problems.  This is also true for many medical doctors.

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

If you have been experiencing sexual problems as an individual or as part of a couple, seek help in sex therapy (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

Sex therapy is a form of talk therapy. There is no physical exam, nudity or sex during sex therapy sessions (see my article: What Are the Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?).

Individuals and couples seek help in sex therapy for many different reasons (see my article: What Are the Most Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?).

A skilled sex therapist will do a thorough assessment of your situation and work with you to help you resolve your problems. 

Rather than struggling on your own and possibly allowing your situation to deteriorate further, seek help from a skilled sex therapist so you can have a more fulfilling sex life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a sex positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

    

Sexual Explorations: Substitute the Words "What's Your Fantasy?" With "What Are You Sexually Curious About?"

In her excellent book, Sex Talks, Sex Therapist Vanessa Marin discusses how to make sexual communication easier and less intimidating when talking about potential sexual fantasies (see my article: Exploring and Normalizing Sexual Fantasies Without Guilt or Shame).

What Are You Sexually Curious About?

According to Ms. Marin, many people become intimidated when their partner asks them about their sexual fantasies (see my article: Finding Your Sexual Voice).

I've also noticed this with individuals and couples who come to see me for sex therapy in my private practice in New York City.  

There's something about the words "sexual fantasies" that induce shame and guilt in many people. It's as if they think their partner is asking them to provide detailed full length narratives about things they want to try in bed.  As a result, they feel ashamed, their mind goes blank, and this shuts down the conversation.  

Rather than thinking of sexual fantasies as possibilities in an open ended way, they believe they should know what they like, how they like it, when they want it, and so on.  

But when people approach sex from the perspective of new possibilities, it's not necessary to know every detail because it's an open-ended exploration.

According to Ms. Marin, a better way to approach talking about fantasies is asking, "What are you sexually curious about?" because this helps to open up the conversation to sexual possibilities and it's less intimidating for many people than using the word "fantasies."

For example, being sexually curious, it's enough to just be able to say something like, "I've always been curious about trying the reverse cowgirl sexual position" (or something else) without knowing how to do it or if you'll even like it before you try it. 

Becoming curious and open sexually, as opposed thinking you have to know everything in advance, also makes sexual exploration much less shame inducing and even fun and exciting.

In addition, be aware that some people are much more aware of their sexual thoughts than others.  

Specifically, people who experience spontaneous sexual desire are more likely to be aware of their sexual fantasies. Other people who experience responsive sexual desire might not even be aware of any sexual thoughts or fantasies at all.

This is because people with spontaneous desire experience sexual desire mentally first (sexual thoughts) and then physically.  

And people with responsive sexual desire often experience no horniness until they get physical.  So, people with responsive desire experience sexual thoughts or fantasies after they after they get physical. So, for responsive desire people, physical desire precedes sexual thoughts.

This is why if you ask someone who has responsive desire to tell you about their sexual fantasies before they're physical engaged in sex, they can draw a blank.

A Clinical Vignette - Sexual Explorations: Sexual Fantasy vs Sexual Curiosity

The following clinical vignette is a composite of many different clinical cases to protect confidentiality.  This scenario illustrates the difference between asking about fantasies vs approaching fantasies from a perspective of sexual curiosity. It also illustrates the difference between spontaneous desire and responsive desire.

Sara and Jim

After five years of marriage, Sara and Jim, both in their early 40s, sought help in sex therapy because they were no longer having sex.

Sara and Jim in Sex Therapy

They told their sex therapist that in the prior year, they had sex four times with large gaps of time in between.  In sex therapy, couples who have sex less than 10 times a year are considered no sex couples.  

Both agreed they couldn't keep their hands off each other when they first met and they had sex several times a week back then.  But two years into their relationship after they moved in together, sex became dull and, as a result, they sought each other out sexually much less often.

Although both of them were concerned about their waning sex life, they hoped that, somehow, it would improve after they got married.  

But, over time, things got worse. Instead of improving, they got into a deeper sexual rut and they both admitted to their sex therapist that they didn't look forward to sex anymore because sex had become boring.  In fact, they mostly avoided sex because they didn't know what to do to improve things.

Jim said he tried to spice things up a few years before by asking Sara about her sexual fantasies.  He told the therapist that he was prepared to talk about his rich sexual fantasy life, but they reached a dead end in the conversation when Sara drew a blank.  She told Jim she wasn't aware of ever having any sexual fantasies.  

Sara told the sex therapist she remembered the day Jim asked her about her sexual fantasies and how awkward, ashamed and guilty she felt.  

She said talking about sex was always difficult for her--much more difficult than actually having sex.  So, she just didn't know how to respond when Jim asked her out of the blue about sexual fantasies. She found the whole topic humiliating because it made her feel sexually inadequate.

After a few sessions where the sex therapist assessed each of their family and sexual histories, she explained to them that Jim experienced spontaneous desire where he had frequent thoughts about sex which led to physical sexual arousal for him.  So, she said, it made sense that he would be more aware of his fantasies.

She also explained that Sara experienced responsive desire so Sara wouldn't have been as aware of her fantasies because she needed to be already engaged in sexual activity before she had sexual thoughts.

The sex therapist explained that both spontaneous and responsive desire are normal and neither one is better than the other.  It was more a matter of understanding the differences between them so they could begin to navigate their way to a better sex life (see my article: Understanding Differences in Sexual Desire in Your Relationship).

She also explained that part of the problem might be with the words "sexual fantasies," which can be intimidating to some people. In response, Sara said she did feel intimidated by those words.  So, the sex therapist suggested they approach sexual novelty with open-ended curiosity.  

As a homework assignment, the sex therapist recommended various forms of erotica (visual and auditory) and pornography, including ethical pornography, as a way to stimulate sexual curiosity and explore new sexual possibilities.

When they returned the following week, both Jim and Sara were eager to talk.  Sara said she didn't feel sexually aroused by watching porn, but she enjoyed listening to an erotic audiobook. For her, listening was better than watching, and she had never realized this before.

Sex Therapy 

Although Sara didn't feel immediately turned on, she and Jim planned a sexy romantic evening where they turned off their phones and the TV and eliminated any other distractions.  

Both of them agreed that throughout the week knowing they had a sexy romantic evening planned helped to generate sexual anticipation.

After they set a more romantic context with candlelight and music in the background, Jim gave Sara a long massage to help her to relax.  Then, she was able to talk to him about what she heard in the erotic audiobook that piqued her curiosity.  

Sara was quick to tell their sex therapist that she wasn't aware of any detailed sexual fantasies, but she was curious to try sexual role play because it sounded so hot and fun (see my article: What Are the Benefits of Sexual Role Play?).

Jim was also able to share his sexual fantasies about threesomes.  Although the fantasy was exciting for both of them, they greed they weren't ready to try this in real life yet.  

This was the beginning of Jim and Sara getting curious about what they wanted to explore in bed.   

At the suggestion of their therapist, Sara also began keeping an erotic journal to capture her thoughts about things she heard in erotica that she was curious about.  

As opposed to when Jim initially asked her about her sexual fantasies, Sara didn't feel pressured. Instead, she felt more excited and open to sexual exploration and, over time, her sexual self esteem improved.

Conclusion

When they're asked about sexual fantasies, many people feel too intimidated and pressured. They think they have to come up with full length narratives rather than just being open to talking about sexual exploration.  This is especially true for people with responsive sexual desire, who aren't aware of having sexual thoughts before they engage in sex.

A better way to approach sexual exploration for people who don't respond well to being asked about sexual fantasies is to ask them what they might be curious about.  Even if they don't know at first, there are many ways to explore possibilities through ethical porn, regular porn and other forms of erotica to stimulate ideas and desire.

There's something about the idea of getting curious that allows them to feel more comfortable because curiosity is open ended and it opens up the possibility to find out more.

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

If you're having sexual problems, you could benefit from seeking help from a licensed mental health professional who is a sex therapist.

Sex therapy is a form of talk therapy for individuals and couples (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).

People seek help in sex therapy for a variety of reasons (see my article:  What Are Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?).

There is no physical exam, nudity or sex in sex therapy sessions (see my article: What Are Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?).

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a skilled sex therapist so you can have a more fulfilling sex life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a sex positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out. more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.