NYC Psychotherapist Blog

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Sunday, July 9, 2023

How Women Who Have Lost Sexual Desire Can Get It Back

There is no such thing as "normal" when it comes to sexual desire. Each person is different.

How Women Who Have Lost Sexual Desire Can Get It Back

What Are Some of the Reasons Why Women Lose Their Sexual Desire?
For women a decrease or loss of sexual desire can occur for many reasons. 

Here are just a few of the many reasons why women can experience a loss of sexual desire:
Tips For Getting Back Sexual Desire That Might Be Helpful
Although every woman is different and there is no one-size-fits-all answer for getting back your libido, consider the following tips which might be helpful for you:
  • Start by Visiting Your Medical Doctor: Don't make assumptions about why you're experiencing a loss of sexual desire. Before you do anything else, visit your doctor to rule out any medical problems.  Once medical problems have been ruled out, you can consider other options listed below.
  • If There Was a Time When You Used to Enjoy Sex, Think About What Changed Since That Time: If there was a time when you enjoyed sex more, think about what you used to enjoy. Make a list of these experiences. Then, consider how changes in your life might have had a negative impact on your libido. Next, think about what you can do to address these issues and write them down. This list could include:
    • The birth of a child 
    • Elder care responsibilities
    • A death in the family
    • A major disappointment at home or work
    • A downturn in your finances
    • A relationship betrayal
    • Sleep problems
    • Other losses or changes in your life (see the list at the beginning of this article).
  • Reduce Your Stress: Stress can be a major factor in decreasing your libido. Think about how stress might be affecting you and consider healthy ways to reduce, including:
    • A doctor-approved exercise regime
    • Yoga 
Reduce Your Stress
    • Other stress reducing methods that are right for you
  • Assess Your Sexual Turn-ons and Turn-offs: Sex therapist Dr. Jack Morin created two surveys in his book, The Erotic Mind: The Sexual Excitement Survey and the Sexual Inhibition Survey that help you to assess your sexual turn-ons and turn-offs.  Start by assessing the factors that dampen your libido and then consider the factors that get you sexually turned on. See my articles: 
  • Consider How You Get Yourself in the Mood For Sex: Most women experience responsive desire as opposed to simultaneous sexual desire, especially if they're in a long term relationship (this is also true for many men in long term relationships). For people in a long term relationship, it takes more effort to get sexually turned on compared to when the relationship was new.  If you're expecting to automatically get turned on when you begin having sex with a long term partner, chances are you'll be disappointed. Instead of just looking at how your partner tries to get you turned on, consider how you get yourself in the mood for sex. What part of yourself do you bring to the sexual encounter? Do you take time to relax and get into an erotic frame of mind beforehand or do you approach sex as if it's a chore? In her TED Talk, sex and relationship therapist Ester Perel, Ph.D. suggests you consider "I get myself turned on when _____________" and "I get myself turned off when ________________."  You can fill in the blanks for yourself.
  • Consider Whether You're Unhappy With Sex in Your Relationship: If you have a sexual partner, think about whether you're not feeling sexually fulfilled during sex.  Sexual desire doesn't occur in a vacuum.  Even if you're able to get yourself in the mood for sex, no one gets turned on by unsatisfying sex. If you're having unsatisfying sex, the problem might not be with your libido, especially if you're turned on during solo sex/masturbation. It's a relationship and sexual problem between you and your partner, and you and your partner need to talk. See my articles: 

Talk to Your Partner
    • Think About Whether You're Bored and in a Sexual Rut: Whether you're single or in a relationship, if you're bored and in a sexual rut, you could benefit from changing things up.  See my articles: 
    • Get Help in Sex Therapy: If your doctor has ruled out any medical problems and you're unable to get back your libido, consider seeing a sex therapist.  Sex therapy is a form of talk therapy for individuals and couples. People who attend sex therapy go for a variety of reasons. There is no physical exam, nudity or sex during sex therapy.  A skilled sex therapist can help you to revive your sex life so you can have fulfilling sex again on your own and/or with a partner.  See my articles:

    About Me
    I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

    I am a sex positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

    To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

    To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 or email me.