Exploring F@ntasies With Romance Novels

In a previous article, What Are the Emotional and Psychological Reasons For the Popularity of Romance Novels?, I began a discussion about how romance novels fulfill certain emotional and psychological needs.

Exploring Sexual Fantasies with Romance Novels

In the current article, I'm discussing how romance novels can help you to explore fantasies whether you're single or partnered.

Many adults like to use erotic romance novels (also known as erotica) to explore their sexual fantasies. This includes people who are single and in relationships (monogamous and consensually non-monogamous relationships).

How Can Romance Novels Help You to Explore Your Fantasies?

There are many ways to explore fantasies including:

• Watching erotic films

• Watching ethical p0rn

• Listening to erotic audiobooks

• Sharing fantasies with a partner and listening to your partner's fantasies (see my article: How to Talk to Your Partner About Sex).

In terms of exploring sexual fantasies, reading erotic romance novels provides a safe space for exploration whether you're single or partnered including:

• Fantasy Fulfillment: Erotic romance novels allow readers to experience scenarios they might not have experienced in real life (see my article: The 7 Core Sexual Fantasies).

• Emotional and Sexual Exploration: Romance novels can provide an opportunity to explore complex emotions like: vulnerability, anxiety and desire.  Well written stories can give readers a chance to see complex emotions worked through.

Exploring Sexual Fantasies With Romance Novels

• A Low Stakes Environment: Since the writing is fiction, the reader can engage in imagining any type of fantasy in a safe way without pressure or judgment. If readers don't like a particular scene in the book, they can skip over it.

• A Catalyst For Communication: Reading about characters who communicate openly in their relationships about sex and sexual fantasies can provide inspiration, motivation and ideas for conversations with a partner (see my article: Talking to Your Partner About Sex).

Clinical Vignette 1:

The following clinical vignette explores how an individual can benefit from using erotic romance novels to explore sexual fantasies:

Jane

Jane had only ever been in one long term relationship. During the time of her relationship wiht Joe, she hoped Joe would be more open sexually, but he only liked one thing: Sexual intercourse missionary style.  

He wasn't open to exploring other positions or other sexual activities. Although Jane went along with it, when she realized she couldn't convince him to be more sexually adventurous, she realized she was bored with their sex life.  

After they broke up and Jane thought about dating again, she realized her sexual experiences were limited, so she watched ethical p0rn and explored erotic romance novels (see my articles: Sexual Self Discovery and What is Sexual Self Awareness?).

Exploring Sexual Fantasies With Romance Novels

When she found passages in the stories that got her sexually aroused, she used those passages during solo sex (see my article: Sexual Pleasure and the Erotic Self).

As she continued to explore sexual fantasies derived from romance novels, Jane began to feel more confident about her ability to talk to a new partner about what she liked to do sexually (see my article: What is Sexual Self Esteem?).

When she got into a new relationship with Ed, she realized that Ed was much more adventurous than Joe had ever been. When she talked to him about her fantasies, he was eager to try them in real life.

Developing sexual fantasies through romance novels and exploring them with Ed was much more sexually satisfying for Jane.

Clinical Vignette 2:

The following clinical vignette illustrates how a couple who are in sex therapy can use erotic romance novels to explore their sexual fantasies and rekindle the passion in their sex life:

Nan and Bill

After 25 years of marriage, Nan and Bill had drifted into a sexless marriage.

When they were first dating, their sex life was new and exciting. They couldn't wait to see each other and they were both open to being sexually adventurous.  But over the years their sex life had become routine and their sexual repetoire was so limited that they always did the same things in the same way. Gradually, sex between them dwindled from once a week to once a month and, after a while, to less than once a year.

Nan tried to talk to Bill several times about trying to rekindle their sex life, but he felt too uncomfortable to talk about sex (see my article: Are You Too Uncomfortable to Talk to Your Partner About Sex?).

Feeling frustrated and annoyed, Nan told Bill that since he wasn't open to talking to her about sex, she booked an appointment with a sex therapist so they could work on their sex life. Although Bill wasn't motivated to attend sex therapy, he knew he needed to overcome his discomfort with talking about sex to improve their relationship.

After their sex therapist met with Nan and Bill for a consultation, she met with each of them individually to get information about each of their sexual histories and family histories..

Then, she worked with them to help them to get comfortable with talking about sex. Nan was a somewhat more comfortable than Bill, but they both said that sex was a taboo subject when they were growing up and they learned about sex from talking to children at their schools.  Inevitably, since the other children weren't any more informed about sex than they were and sex education at their schools was minimal, they got a lot of misinformation.

Their sex therapist talked to them about expanding their sex script, but neither of them had any new ideas about what they wanted to do. So, she provided them with a list of sexual activities called a Yes, No, Maybe List in sex therapy. They both knew they wanted to remain monogamous and they didn't want to watch p0rn--not even ethical p0rn.

Since they were both avid readers, their sex therapist recommended that they explore sexual fantasies in erotic romance novels.  At first, they felt uncomfortable, but they agreed to do it.

Nan hadn't read a romance novel since she was a teenager, so she was surprised to discover that some of the stories had richer plots, more diverse characters, explicit sexual content and that the writing was generally better than romance novels from the past.

Bill had never read a romance novel in his life. He tended to read nonfiction books, like biographies of famous people, and he felt embarrassed to read an erotic romance novel.  He was glad he could download an e-book so no one would know what he was reading. He was sure his buddies would tease him if they knew.

Their sex therapist recommended they each find passages that got them turned on and read them aloud to each other. At first, both Bill and Nan told her they would feel too embarrassed to do that, but they agreed to try it.

Nan was the first one who found a passage in a story that she shared with Bill about bondage (see my article: Are You Curious About Exploring BDSM?).  

The female character in the story tied up her boyfriend with silk scarves in a playful way and then touched him with a long feather, which got him turned on.

As he listened to Nan read the passage, Bill was surprised he was getting turned on because he had never even thought about trying bondage before. 

When he told Nan he might want to try being tied up with scarves, she was shocked too.

This was the beginning of Bill and Nan's sexual exploration and expansion of their sexual repertoire. As they tried new sexual activities, sex toys and different sexual positions, they both felt excited and happy.

Conclusion

Erotic romance novels can help you to explore sexual fantasies whether you're single or with a partner.

Along with ethical p0rn and erotic films, erotic romance novels are a safe way to explore fantasies for solo sex or partnered sex.

Whether you are single or partnered and regardless of your sexual orientation, if you are having problems with sex, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional who is a sex therapist to have a more fulfilling sex life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Parts Work (IFS and Ego States therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles:

What Are Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?

What Are Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?

 

How to Experience a Healthy Relationship to Joy and Pleasure

Changing Your Sex Script

 

How to Develop a Healthy Relationship to Joy and Pleasure

Developing a healthy relationship to joy and pleasure can be challenging for many people for a variety of reasons which will be discussed in this article.

Developing a Healthy Relationship to Joy and Pleasure

What Does It Mean to Have an Unhealthy Relationship to Joy and Pleasure?

Before we look at what it means to have a healthy relationship to joy and pleasure, let's take a look at what it means to have an unhealthy relationship.

An unhealthy relationship to joy and pleasure often involves seeking external validation and engaging in unsustainable or damaging behavior:

• Dependence and Compulsion includes:

• Intermittent Reinforcement: Unhealthy relationships often include intermittent reinforcement of intense pleasure which are used to tolerate ongoing toxic and or manipulative behavior creating a cycle of dependency.

• Chasing the "High": Compulsive seeking of intense short-term pleasure which can lead to shame, guilt and other negative consequences.

• Imbalance and Exploitation includes:
• Using Others For Pleasure while neglecting their wishes and boundaries

• A Tendency to Prioritize Pleasure While Neglecting Emotional Intimacy and Genuine Connection: There is a tendency to avoid emotional intimacy which results in superficial relationships. The pursuit of pleasure offers only a temporary boost in happiness which creates an ongoing cycle of this dynamic. This creates emotional distance, possibly emotional numbing, loneliness and difficulty expressing emotions and only short term or casual relationships.

• Imposing Control and Having a Sense of Entitlement: Feeling entitled to pleasure without respecting a partner's wishes or boundaries

• Feeling Guilt and Shame: Guilt and shame get in the way of experiencing joy and pleasure

What Does It Mean to Develop a Healthy Relationship to Joy and Pleasure?

Developing a healthy relationship to joy and pleasure includes conscious practices including appreciation and presence:

• Practicing Mindfulness: Learning to savor joyous and pleasurable moments--no matter how small (see my article: The Mind-Body Connection and Mindfulness Meditation).

• Cultivating Gratitude: One way to cultivate gratitude is by keeping a gratitude journal.

• Making Meaningful Connections: Finding joy in helping others and investing in meaningful relationships rather than only seeking immediate gratification (see my article: Why Are Close Friendship Important?).

Developing a Healthy Relationship to Joy and Pleasure

• Celebrating Small Wins: Acknowledging wins, no matter how small, including a completed task or a delicious meal, which can reinforce your experience of pleasure (see my article: Celebrating Small Wins).

• Balancing Joy and Purpose: Recognizing that, rather than seeing joy as a fleeting state, it can also be a deep, more resilient state of being connected to your purpose and values. 

Developing a Healthy Relationship to Joy and Pleasure

• Developing Meaningful Connections With Others: Nurture connections rather than focusing on immediate gratification.

• Self Love and Self Care: Take responsibility for your own happiness. Prioritize your physical, emotional and psychological health.

• Emotional Resilience: Finding moments of happiness even during stressful times--not just in external circumstances (see my article: Developing Resilience).

Why Do Some People Struggle to Have a Healthy Relationship to Joy and Pleasure?

Many people feel guilty about allowing themselves to experience pleasure for various reasons including:

• Ingrained Cultural Beliefs About Joy and Pleasure: Many cultural beliefs link joy and pleasure to laziness, selfishness, and personal beliefs about feeling like they don't deserve to experience pleasure.

• Learned Beliefs: There might be learned beliefs from family history that links pleasure to selfishness and childishness, which makes the pursuit of pleasure seem wrong.

Developing a Healthy Relationship to Joy and Pleasure

• Guilt and Shame: For many people pleasure feels like a dereliction of their obligations and responsibilities which engenders guilt and shame (see my article: Overcoming Shame).

• Lack of Self Worth: Many people feel they are not worthy of experiencing pleasure because of their own traumatic history (see my article: Overcoming the Emotional Pain of Feeling Unlovable).

• Fear of Being Judged: Some people fear that if they experience pleasure, others will judge them for it, but it's often their own internal critic that is involved  (see my article: Overcoming the Internal Critic).

• Other Personal and Societal Reasons: A variety of other reasons both personal and societal

How Can People Overcome Shame and Guilt About Enjoying Pleasure and Joy?

Working on overcoming shame and guilt about enjoying pleasure and joy can be challenging.

• Start By Identifying the Root Cause: Ask yourself what might have contributed to your negative relationship with pleasure and joy. Is it related to cultural issues, familial messages or other sources?

Developing a Healthy Relationship to Joy and Pleasure

• Question the Story You're Telling Yourself: If you know the root of your problem, question your assumptions to see if they hold up in the light of day. Ask yourself what you would tell a loved one who struggled with this problem.

• Separate Self From Behavior: Move from self criticism to an objective assessment of your relationship with joy and pleasure.

• Seek Help in Therapy: If you have been unable to change a negative relationship with joy and pleasure, seek help in therapy.

Get Help in Therapy

An unhealthy relationship with pleasure and joy can be deeply rooted in your history and this problem can be difficult to overcome on your own. 

Getting Help in Therapy

A skilled psychotherapist can help you to overcome the obstacles that are getting in your way.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional so you can lead a more meaningful life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples and I have helped many clients to develop a healthy relationship to joy and pleasure.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles:

How Glimmers Can Give You a Sense of Ease, Safety and Joy

Discovering Your Happiness Triggers

Savoring Pleasure

Sexual Self Discovery and Pleasure Mapping

Keeping an Erotic Journal For Sexual Self Discovery

Helpful Tips on How to Make the Most Out of Your Couples Therapy

Couples therapy can be a transformative experience (see my article: What is EFT Couples Therapy?).

A skilled couples therapist can help you and your partner to overcome challenges in your relationship.

How to Make the Most Out of Couples Therapy

To get the most out of couples therapy, it's important to understand that it's common to feel a certain amount of anxiety and ambivalence, especially if you don't know what to expect (see my article: It's Not Unusual to Feel Anxious and Ambivalent at the Start of Therapy).

To help reduce your anxiety, it's helpful to know how to approach couples therapy so you can get the most out of it. 

What Do Couples Talk About in Couples Therapy?

Couples can talk about a variety of issues (see my article: What Do Couples Talk About in Couples Therapy?).

Here are just a few of the issues that couples talk about in couples therapy:

• Communication problems

• Fear of intimacy
  

• Moving in together or getting married

• Sharing the mental load

• Infertility issues

• Grief and loss related to miscarriages

• Grief and loss due to the loss of a child

• Parenting issues

• Blended family issues

• Different perspectives about managing money

• Sexual issues

• Opening up your relationship to see other people (see my article: What is Consensual Nonmonogamy?)

• Aging

• Infidelity
  

• Problems with in-laws

• Retirement issues

• Divorce and co-parenting

• Taking care of aging parents

• Other major issues 

What Are the Do's and Don'ts in Couples Therapy

Do's in Couples Therapy:

• Approach Couples Therapy With Curiosity and Openness: It's important to state your feelings openly and honestly to your partner and to the couples therapist in session.

• Talk About What You Want: Being able to tell your couples therapist and your partner what you want to get out of couples therapy will help to define your goals. You might even be surprised that your partner might have different goals and these differences might need to be negotiated.

How to Make the Most Out of Couples Therapy

• Set Realistic Goals: Once you and your partner have agreed to what you want to get out of therapy, set realistic goals for the couples therapy. When you have goals, the couples therapy has direction and you can assess your progress. However, it's also important to know that progress in therapy isn't linear. This means that setbacks (where you take two steps forward and one step back) are a normal part of the process, so don't get discouraged (See my article: Progress in Therapy Isn't Learner).

• Practice Active Listening in Your Sessions: Learning to actively listen to what your partner and your couples therapist say is an important part of couples therapy (see my article: The Importance of Active Listening in Your Relationship).

• Practice the Skills You Learn in Couples Therapy Between Sessions: Use the skills you learn in couples therapy between sessions so you can continue to hone your skills in your daily life with your partner.  If you run into obstacles, talk about it at your next couples therapy session so you can continue to develop these skills.  There might also be some topics that you and your partner will only discuss in couples therapy sessions until you both develop the necessary skills to talk about these issues between sessions.

Don'ts in Couples Therapy:

• Don't Wait Too Long to Start Couples Therapy: Many couples wait until they're ready to end the relationship to get help. Getting into couples therapy becomes their "last ditch effort". By then, it's often too late. The sooner you get help the better.

• Don't Focus on "Fixing" Your Partner: Focus on what you want to change about yourself in the relationship instead of having the attitude that you're there to "fix" your partner.

How to Make the Most Out of Couples Therapy

• Avoid Critical, Contemptuous or Defensive Behavior: You and your partner need to learn to approach your problems as a team rather than pointing fingers or blaming one another (see my article: Improve Communication in Your Relationship By Avoiding the "Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse").

• Avoid Trying to "Fix" Your Partner: You and your partner need to approach your problems like a team, as previously mentioned. Instead, focus on the areas where you can grow.  Couples usually have negative patterns that each partner contributes to in their dynamic. So, part of the work in couples therapy is for you and your partner to learn work together as a team to change the negative patterns.

• Avoid Contacting the Therapist Privately Without Your Partner's Knowledge: Most couples therapists do individual sessions to get family and relationship history. However, other than those individual sessions, avoid speaking, texting or emailing the therapist without your partner's knowledge because this can undermine the therapy.  The couple is the client in couples therapy--not the individuals in relationship. Contacting the therapist privately without the other partner's knowledge often occurs when one person is trying to get the couples therapist to align with them against the partner, which a skilled couples therapist will not do.

• Avoid Keeping Secrets From Your partner and Your Therapist: Most couples therapists will not keep an individual's secrets in couples therapy. Keeping secrets from the therapist or your partner will become an obstacle to progress in therapy. For instance, if you're having a secret affair, most couples therapist will not work with you and your partner because the affair would be undermining your relationship.

Conclusion

Couples therapy can be beneficial for couples who are experiencing problems in their relationship.

You and your partner can learn to come together as a team in couples therapy to overcome the obstacles in your relationship.

If you and your partner decide that it would be best to end the relationship, a couples therapist can help you both to end the relationship as amicably as possible and come to an agreement about how to talk to your children about the end of the relationship and how to co-parent if these issues are applicable.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).

I have over 20 years of experience working with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

What Are Ravishment Fantasies?

According to social psychologist and sex researcher Justin Lehmiller, ravishment fantasies are common (see my articles: The 7 Core Sexual Fantasies and It's Normal and Common to Have Sexual Fantasies).

Ravishment Fantasies

Based on Dr. Lehmiller's sex research:

• 61% of women fantasize about being ravished (24% of these women fantasize about it often)

• 54% of men fantasize about being ravished (11.5% of these men fantasize about it often)

• 68% of people who identify as nonbinary fantasize about ravishment (31% fantasize about it often)

What Are Ravishment Fantasies?

Since these fantasies are so common, I think it's worthwhile to explore them in the current article.

Ravishment Fantasies

According to Dr. Lehmiller and other sex experts, ravishment fantasies are thoughts about being "forced" to have sex.

It's important to note there's a big difference between wanting to be forced to have sex in reality and fantasizing about it.  These fantasies are not wishes to be sexually assaulted (see my article: Are You Afraid to Share Your Sexual Fantasies With Your Partner?).

Who Tends to Have Fantasies About Being Ravished?

According to Dr. Lehmiller's research, people who have ravishment fantasies tend to:

• Have a very active imagination

• Have an unrestricted sociosexual orientation. They have the ability to see sex and emotion as separate. They can distinguish sexual acts from emotions.

Ravishment Fantasies

• Be sensation-seeking individuals who have a greater need for sexual excitement and thrill seeking

• Have an anxious attachment style and lower self esteem 

• Have more BDSM (bondage, discipline/domination, sadism and masochism) fantasies (see my article: BDSM and Kink: What Are Sub-Dom Relationships?)

Sexual Roleplay

Many people who enjoy ravishment fantasies like to engage in forced sexual roleplay with their partner(s) (see my article: What Are the Benefits of Sexual Roleplay?).

Sexual roleplay that involves ravishment has the illusion of nonconsent as part of the fantasy, but consent is a crucial part of these roleplays. 

This is often described as consensual nonconsent where individuals act out a pre-agreed upon nonconsensual situation. In other words, even though they are roleplaying a forced sex scene, everything has been agreed to beforehand.

Ravishment and Sexual Roleplay

To engage in roleplay that involves ravishment, it's important to have:

• Communication beforehand about what is and is not acceptable to the individuals involved

• Enthusiastic consent for whatever is agreed to by all participants

• A safeword

• Aftercare
  

Romance Novels and Ravishment Fantasies

Many women (and some men), who might never participate in a sexual roleplay or a ravishment fantasy, enjoy reading romance novels or erotica that include ravishment.

Romance Novels and Ravishment Fantasies

These romance novels allow people to experience the sexual excitement and thrill of ravishment vicariously without actively participating themselves.

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

It's common for individuals in a relationship to have different likes and dislikes when it comes to sex (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).

If you're in a relationship where you and your partner are having problems with intimacy, you could benefit from working with a skilled sex therapist (see my article: What Are Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?).

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a certified sex therapist so you can have a more meaningful and pleasurable sex life (see my article: What Are Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?).

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples in person and online.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

It's Common and Normal to Have Fantasies

In prior articles, I've discussed many different aspects of romantic and sexual fantasies (see my articles: The 7 Core Sexual Fantasies and Exploring and Normalizing Sexual Fantasies Without Guilt or Shame).

Fantasies Are Common and Normal

The current article focuses on how and why sexual fantasies are normal and common.  

What Are Fantasies?

There are many definitions for fantasies.  

Basically, fantasies are imaginary scenarios that people play out in their mind.  Sometimes these fantasies are new or recurring scenarios and/or they might be based on memories.

Many fantasies are never acted upon, but they can still be enjoyed in your mind.

In general, fantasies can be about anything, including but not limited to:

• Imagining winning the lottery
• Thinking about what it would be like to be famous
• Imagining what it would be like to travel around the world
• Imagining being someone else--either someone you know in real life or a character in a TV program, movie or book
• Imagining having certain super powers
• Having thoughts about having an affair you have no intention of doing real life
• Imagining being in a more interesting job
• Entertaining yourself while you're bored
• Playing with "what if...." scenarios in your mind: "What if he likes me the way I like him?" or "What if I accept that new job offer?" or "What if I take a risk?"
• Imagining what you would do in a worst case scenario as a form of mental rehearsal
• Imagining what you might have said or might say to someone in a conversation
• Imagining how you'll feel if you accomplish a goal that's important to you
• Having thoughts about what your life might be like under different circumstances

And so on.

What Are the Benefits of Fantasizing?

In general, there can be many benefits to having fantasies whether they are enacted or not.

Fantasies Are Common and Normal

Here are just a few:

• Helping you to get to know yourself better by seeing yourself in new and unfamiliar situations
• Helping you to see alternatives to the way you are now
• Coming up with creative solutions to problems
• Using a fantasy as a mental rehearsal before acting on it in real life
• Acting as a compensatory wish you derive satisfaction from--even though you won't do it in real life
• Boosting your mood
• Getting yourself out of a rut
• Becoming open to new experiences
• Providing you with a temporary escape from your current situation
• Energizing you mentally, emotionally and physically

Why Are Some People Afraid of Their Fantasies?

From an early age, many people are taught (implicitly or explicitly) that fantasizing, in general, is wrong.

For instance, young students are often scolded for not paying attention in class if they're daydreaming.  And, although it's important that students learn their lessons in class, it's also important for young minds to explore and create in their fantasies.  After all, play--whether it's children's play or adult play--is about being creative.

Many people are taught at a young age that having daydreams and fantasies are a waste of time.  They're taught that actively doing is more important than imagining. 

While it's true that if you only daydream about your hopes and dreams and never do anything to bring them to fruition you won't get very far, the seeds of creative ideas often begin with a daydream or fantasy that can be the start of fulfilling your dreams.

Why Are Some People Afraid Specifically of Their Sexual Fantasies?

Having sexual fantasies is common and normal as I have been reiterating.  In fact, research on sexual fantasies has revealed that 3 out of 4 people have sexual fantasies.

So, if sexual fantasies are common, why are some people uncomfortable with the idea of them?

Discomfort and fear of sexual fantasies are often based on certain religious, cultural or familial prohibitions that indicate that sex in general shouldn't even be thought about--much less engaged in--before marriage.  

However, these prohibitions can have a lasting effect.  For many people it's not like flipping a switch after they get married to suddenly feel comfortable with sex and sexual fantasies.  They might still have a vague feeling that it's wrong.

For many people sexual fantasies can cause fear, confusion, anxiety, guilt, shame and ambivalence.  On a certain level, some people might enjoy a sexual fantasy--even one they have no intention of carrying out--but on another level they feel bad about it.

On the other hand, other people find it exciting to engage in sexual fantasies that are taboo, so it depends on the individual (see my article: A Cornertone of Eroticism: Violating Prohibitions By Breaking the Rules).

What Are the Benefits of Sexual Fantasies?

As mentioned earlier, fantasies are normal and common.

The mind is creative and exploratory, so having fantasies, sexual or otherwise, is one way that people can satisfy their needs and wants.

Fantasies Are Common and Normal

People have sexual fantasies regardless of gender, sex, sexual orientation, age, race, marital status, ability/disability or other factors.

Sexual fantasies often help to promote sexual arousal.  

For instance, if you and your partner have scheduled time to have sex in a few days, having fantasies about it can help to build sexual anticipation and excitement (see my article: Creating Sexual Desire Using the Sex Drive Simmer Technique and Anticipation and Longing as an Erotic Aphrodisiac).

Sexual fantasies can also help to boost sexual confidence in many ways, including having a fantasy of being able to initiate and enjoy sex.

Should You Share Your Sexual Fantasies With Your Partner?

Sharing a sexual fantasies with a partner can be empowering and fun if your partner is open to talking about fantasies.

Typically, sharing sexual fantasies can strengthen the bond between partners.  

However, if your partner tends to be judgmental or unsure, it could have the opposite effect.

Sometimes the problem is with the word "fantasy" so, instead, you can ask what your partner might be curious about sexually (see my article: Substituting the Words "What's Your Fantasy?" With "What Are You Sexually Curious About?").

What Can You Do and Your Partner Aren't on the Same Wavelength About Sexual Fantasies?

Some people like sharing their fantasies with their partner and others like to keep it private.  

If you do want to share your sexual fantasies, be aware that it's not unusual for individuals in a relationship to have differences when it comes to sexual fantasies.

Just like anything else, including the kinds of food you each like, sexual fantasies can be unique for each person.  

What one person enjoys, the other person might not.  Or one of you might have a rich sexual fantasy life and the other might not be comfortable with sexual fantasies at all.

Others might want to talk about their fantasies, but they don't know how (see my article: How to Talk to Your Partner About Sex - Part 1) and Part 2).

If you feel the differences between you and your partner are getting in the way of having a pleasurable sex life, these differences can often be negotiated and worked out in sex therapy.  

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

Sex therapy is a form of talk therapy for individuals and couples (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).

People seek help in sex therapy for a variety of reasons (see my article: What Are Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?).

There is no physical exam, nudity or sex during a sex therapy session (see my article: What Are Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?).

If you're struggling with sexual issues, you could benefit from seeking help in sex therapy to have a more fulfilling sex life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.