Coping With the In-Between State of Change

The in-between state of change can be challenging because you are between an old reality that has ended and a new reality that hasn't developed yet (see my article: Navigating Life's Transitions).

Coping With the In-Between State of Change

Although that in-between state of change can feel scary and uncertain, it can also be a powerful time when many new possibilities open up for you. It all depends on how you navigate that time in your life (see my article: Opening Up to New Possibilties in Your Life).

What Are Liminal Spaces in Your Personal Life?

This in-between state is also known as a liminal space.

Liminal means occupying a place at a boundary or a threshold. 

I'll be using the terms "in-between state" and "liminal space" interchangeably in this article.

Coping With the In-Between State of Change

In psychology a liminal space is a transition or the initial stage of a process. You are at the threshold of having ended something in your life and not yet having begun the next stage.

Some examples include:

• Graduating high school but not yet starting college
• Leaving an old job and not yet starting a new job
• Letting go of an old identity but not yet establishing a new identity 
• Being in the process of moving from an old home and traveling to a new one
• Retiring for a job and not feeling comfortable yet in a new life as a retired person
• Being in the process of making a decision where the status quo no longer fits but you don't yet know what will be next
• Leaving an old relationship and not knowing what comes next 
• Grieving the death of a loved one

How Personal Liminal Space Can Affect Your Mental Health

Most of the time a personal liminal space isn't inherently negative or dangerous. 

There are exceptions, of course: If you lose your job and you don't have savings, it's understandable that you would be under a lot of stress until you find your next job.

In most other circumstances, however, it's your perception of being in an in-between state that might be affecting you.

If you respond to an in-between state as being dangerous when, objectively, it's not, you can feel overwhelmed, anxious and upset because you don't know how to cope with this stage in your life.

This might be especially true if you grew up in an environment where these types of changes were responded to with high anxiety and feelings of foreboding.

How to Cope With Liminal Spaces in Your Personal Life

Everyone experiences transitions in life. There's no way to avoid it.

Assuming that your basic needs are taken care of during a transitional time, you can learn a new way to cope with transitory periods in your life:

• Learn to Accept the In-Between State of Change: Since everyone experiences times when they are in liminal space, rather than trying to resist or deny it, learn to accept this time. Acceptance doesn't mean you like it or you will react to it in a passive way. It just means that you acknowledge that it is happening. Even though it might feel scary and uncertain and you might not be able to control the circumstances, you can control your own thoughts and reactions. For instance, you can't control the death of loved one, but you can find healthy ways to grieve the loss (see my articles: Awareness and Acceptance and Grieving and Healing From Losses).

Accept What You Can and Can't Control

• Create Routines: Creating routines can help to give you a sense of security and stability. For instance, if you have lost a job or you retired, rather than having a lot of unstructured time, create routines for sleeping and waking up, make time for hobbies, get regular exercise or go for walks in nature, etc. (see my article: Starting the Day With a Positive Intention).

Create Personal Rituals in a Mindful Way

• Create Personal Rituals: Whereas a routine is a functional, repetitive task to provide structure and efficiency to manage your life, personal rituals are intentional, meaningful actions that provide purpose, emotion and symbolism. Personal rituals are actions you create for yourself and which exist on a continuum from basic to more elaborate. You can take what might otherwise be a mundane task and create a personal ritual. For instance, if you normally drink your tea while being on "autopilot", you can drink your tea in a mindful way by enjoying the quiet of the day, breathing the aroma, feeling the warmth of the tea and noticing the taste (see my articles: The Power of Rituals and The Power of Personal Rituals).

Practice Mindfulness: Be Here Now

• Practice Mindfulness: Much of the distress of being in a transitional state comes from catastrophizing about what might happen. In retrospect, you might discover that many of your fears didn't materialize. So, to stay calm, take a pause and bring your attention to the present moment. Bring your attention to your body to focus on your breathe. If that feels too challenging, choose a color (let's say blue) and count how many things around you are the color blue. This helps you to orient yourself to your present time and place rather than worrying about what might or might not happen in the future (see my article: Being in the Present Moment).

The Hero's Journey

• Express Yourself in Creative Ways: Much of the current literature and entertainment come from "The Hero's Journey", which the American mythologist, Joseph Campbell, wrote about in his book, The Hero of a Thousand Faces. He identified as a pattern in mythology, both ancient tales and modern stories, where the protagonist travels from the "Known World" to the "Unknown World", faces challenges along the way, meets helpers and returns transformed. The creator of Star Wars, George Lukas, was influenced by "The Hero's Journey". You can also reframe a time of being in an in-between space as being on a journey from the "Known World" to the "Unknown World" and how you will be transformed along the way. You can do this by writing, storytelling or drawing.

Get Help in Therapy

• Get Help in Therapy: If you're having a difficult time coping on your own, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional who can help you to cope with this difficult time. A skilled psychotherapist can help you to feel emotionally supported and to learn new skills and strategies to cope. So, rather than struggling on your own, seek help so you can live a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have over 25 years of experience helping individual adults and couples to overcome trauma and navigate changes in their life.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles:

How Does Imagery and Imagination Enhance Your Life 

Overcoming Fear of Change 

Coping With Midlife Transitions

How Does Imagery and Imagination Enhance Psychotherapy?

I have been using imagery and imagination in therapy with my clients for many years (see my article: Using the Imagination as a Powerful Tool For Change).

Imagery and Imagination in Psychotherapy

The Imaginal Realm: Working With Visual Mental Imagery

I recently attended an advanced AEDP (Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy) seminar called "Imaginal Realm: Working With Visual Mental Imagery in AEDP" which was a deep dive into using imagery and imagination (see my article: What is AEDP?).

When I refer to "imagery", I'm not only referring to visual imagery. Aside from visual imagery, many people get non-visual imagery in sessions. 

For instance, some clients get mental representations through sound (hearing music in their mind), scents that can trigger old memories, kinesthetic experiences (feeling movement), tactile experiences, and an embodied or felt sense of conceptual/verbal imagery such as thinking of concepts or having an internal dialog.

During therapy sessions, I sometimes get visual images in my imagination or a song comes to mind. Over the years, I have learned to appreciate these experiences as messages from my unconscious mind because they often tell me what is going on for the client or what is going on between the client and me.

It's not unusual for me to have an image, song or a word in mind and then a few seconds later the client mentions the same image, song or word (see my articles: Synchronicities - Part 1 and Part 2).

Over time, I have learned that these experiences occur when I feel especially attuned to the client. Other therapists, especially therapists who are experiential therapists like me, have told me that they have similar experiences in therapy (see my article: The Psychotherapy Session: A Unique Intersubjective Experience).

The Use of Metaphors in Psychotherapy

Over the years, I have heard clients use many metaphors unprompted by me, including: 

• "It's like searching for the Holy Grail."
• "I'm no longer jumping into the vortex of other people's drama."
• "I feel like I'm trapped in a cage."
• "I'm no longer putting up walls."
• "I walked on eggshells with my ex."
• "I'm drowning in paperwork."
• "I keep hitting my head against a wall."
• "He swept me off my feet."
• "A weight has been lifted off my shoulders."

Metaphors are beneficial in therapy because they can:

• Enhance clients' communication by allowing them to express feelings they might otherwise have a hard time articulating

• Deepen insights that can lead to a reframing of a problem, a relationship or an idea

• Bypass rational defenses offering a way to talk about sensitive subjects and break rigid and unhealthy thought patterns

• Strengthen the therapeutic alliance between client and therapist

How Imagery and Imagination Enhance Psychotherapy

Imagery and imagination can enhance therapy by engaging the emotional brain. This allows clients to access and process unconscious emotions.

It also helps clients to make behavioral changes through mental rehearsal.

Imagery and Imagination in Psychotherapy

An example of how to use mental rehearsal is a client who wants to become more confident to give presentations at work. This client can vividly imagine their "Future Self", who can exist at any time in the future. They can imagine a self who has all the confidence, qualities and skills they would like to have (see my article: Experiencing Your Future Self).

Using imagination in this way can strengthen neural pathways and prepare the brain for success.

Clients can also see and feel themselves walking into the presentation room feeling prepared and confident, speaking with passion and receiving applause after the presentation. They might even imagine their boss coming over and praising the presentation. 

AEDP Portrayals

One of the main components in AEDP is doing "portrayals" in therapy sessions.

AEDP portrayals are active experiential and imaginative enactments in the therapy session.

To set up doing a portrayal an AEDP therapist prepares the client prior to doing the portrayal by:

• Establishing Safety and a Therapeutic Alliance: The therapist establishes an attuned connection with the client to ensure the client feels safe and to prevent them from feeling overwhelmed.

• Identifying the Core Material: In collaboration with the client, the therapist identifies a memory or a part of the client's self that still has an emotional charge.

• Inviting Immersion (The Setup): The therapist invites the client to slow down, close their eyes and visualize the scene using as many sensory details as possible (sight, sound, body sensations and so on).

• Role Playing (Doing the Portrayal): The therapist guides the client to talk to the imagined person or part of themself by expressing vulnerable or assertive feelings they couldn't express in the past. This might involve imagining talking to a frightened younger part of themself, talking to a parent in a memory from the past, confronting someone who abused them and so on.

There are different types of AEDP portrayals including:

• Reparative Portrayals: An example might be a client imagining a new outcome to a painful scene in their life. In this type of portrayal the client can offer themself what might have been needed and lacking in real life to repair emotional damage.

• Internal Parts Work (intra-relational portrayals): Having a dialog with different aspects of themself to resolve internal conflict (similar to Parts Work Therapy/IFS).

Imagery and Imagination: Internal Parts of Self

• Relational Attachment Portrayals: Reenacting relationships to process emotions to attachment figures (e.g., parents, siblings, a ex-lover, etc). 

• Feared Portrayals: Actively engaging with a threatening figure from real life or from a dream to process the emotional impact, reduce shame and anxiety, and to feel empowered.

• Longed-For Portrayals: The client imagines receiving the love, emotional support or validation they desired but never received from a significant person in their life.

• Moment-to-Moment Tracking: Moment-to-moment tracking is an essential part of AEDP whether the interaction involves a portrayal or a conversation between the client  and the therapist in session. This involves the therapist staying closely attuned to the client's facial expressions, movements, emotions and defenses. The therapist also monitors her own mental, emotional, imaginal and bodily sensations.

• Metaprocessing After a Portrayal: The client and therapist process the experience together afterward to help the client to integrate the experience by building a bridge between the client's right brain and left brain. Among other things, the therapist explores with the client what it was like to do the portrayal and, specifically, what it was like for the client to do the portrayal with the therapist. The focus is on what might have changed for the client or what was transformative about the experience. Processing helps the client to hold onto and integrate positive experiences (see my article: How Are Emotions Processed in AEDP?).

Using Imagery and Imagination on Your Own

Aside from the use of imagery and imagination in therapy, athletes  also use mental rehearsal, including visualization, to imagine a successful performance, including overcoming potential obstacles they might encounter. This can help them to build confidence, improve focus and enhance performance.

You can also use your imagination in creative ways on your own to have fun and, if you like, achieve goals.  There are endless ways to use your imagination on your own including:

• Using Creative Visualization For a Hoped-For Outcome: This can involve imagining a hoped-for outcome in your personal life, career or in any other part of your life.

Imagery and Imagination: Hoped-For Outcome

• Imagining "What If" Problem Solving: When you encounter an obstacle, including an internal obstacle, you can imagine "What if there were no limits?" and visualize different solutions, including solutions that might seem unattainable at first but might spark a new perspective.

• Using the "Lightstream" Technique: If you're dealing with stress, you can imagine a soothing, healing light flowing through your body to alleviate stress or physical discomfort.

Future Articles

Using imagery and imagination is one of my favorite topics, so I'll write more about it in future articles.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have over 25 years of experience helping individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles:

The Mind-Body Connection as a Window Into the Unconscious Mind

Using the Mind-Body Connection to Create the World You Want 

Dreams and Embodied Imagination 

Working With Your Dreams to Develop Your Creative Imagination 

What Are Imaginal Interweaves?  

Books: Imagination and Medicine

How Visualization Can Transform Your Life

In my psychotherapy private practice in New York City I help clients to use their imagination and visualizations to achieve transformation in their life (see my article: Using Your Imagination).

Visualization and Transformation

What is Visualization?

Visualization is the process of creating vivid mental images or representations. 

Visualization can be used to understand complex information. It can also be used to mentally rehearse desired outcomes for personal growth, therapy or performance (see my article: Using the Mind-Body Connection to Create a Vision of What You Want).

Visualization uses the imagination to form pictures in your mind. This often involves using all your senses to simulate experiences and goals. This can improve focus, motivation and the development of new skills.

How is Visualization Used in Psychotherapy and Personal Development?

Here are some examples of how visualization can be used in psychotherapy and personal development:

• Mental Rehearsal: Imagining yourself performing a task. This builds neural pathways which makes it easier to do in real life.

• Goal Setting: Creating a clear mental picture of a desired future outcome to direct your unconscious mind and increase your motivation (see my article: Making the Unconscious Conscious).

• Sensory Engagement: Using sight, sound, touch and smell to enhance the power of your imagery and make it more realistic.

What Are the Key Aspects of Visualization?

• Mental Imagery: Visualization involves seeing in your mind's eye without actual visual input.

Visualization and Transformation

• Brain Activation: Visualization activates similar brain areas as actual seeing and doing, which makes it a powerful training tool.

• Technique: Visualization can involve the process (the steps it takes to achieve your goal) or the outcome you desire (the end result).

How I Learned to Use Visualization

When I first tried using visualization as part of a women's personal development group more than 25 years go, I had a hard time accessing visual images.  The other women around me were getting vivid imagery when they closed their eyes to visualize and I was getting nothing.

Then I discovered the book, Creative Visualization, by Shakti Gawain, and I began to practice regularly on my own in addition to group practice. And, with a lot of practice, I began to visualize simple things and, over time, my visualizations became more complex and vivid.

At the time, I had an administrative job near the East River in Manhattan and I would walk over to the river on my lunch hour and practice projecting images with my eyes open onto the flowing river.  This took time to develop, but it was fun and very satisfying to be able to imagine and see these images in the water.

Sometimes when my women's group got together, we would practice visualizations together as a way to develop intuition. Each women would take turns imaging an image and, over time, many of us could sense what the visualizer was imagining.  This made us realize that intuition, like visualization, can be developed with practice.

What Are Some Helpful Visualization Tools?

When I was learning to visualize, I didn't have access to the wonderful tools that exist now to help with visualizations.

Here are some tools you might find helpful:

• Vision Boards (also called Visualization Boards): Vision boards are visual representations of your goals, intentions and desires. Vision boards are usually poster size boards. They are often made up of collage images that serve to motivate and inspire you towards your goals and desires. You can make your vision board as simple or elaborate as you want.

Visualization and Transformation

• Visualization Music: Visualization music is designed to facilitate visualization and meditative processes.  The purpose of this music is to help you focus on your visualizations. You can find visualization music online.

• Guided Imagery: You can practice your visualizations using guided imagery recordings or books.  A book I found helpful many years ago, which is still in print, is Mother Wit by Diane Mariechild.

• Visualizations of Your Future Self: The concept of a future self is used in hypnotherapy, EMDR Therapy, Somatic Experiencing, Parts Work Therapy (IFS and Ego States Therapy), AEDP and in other types of Experiential therapies. Your future self is how you want to be in the future as someone who has accomplished your goals, intentions and desires (see my article: Experiencing Your Future Self: The Self You Want to Become).

Conclusion

There are many ways to use visualizations to achieve your desires.

Visualization and Transformation

As I mentioned earlier, initially, I had a problem seeing anything at all when I closed my eyes more than 25 years ago, but with practice and persistence, I learned to create vivid images.

Using visualizations for transformation can be a fun and powerful way to transform your life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

How Can Parts Work Therapy Help You to Be More Creative?

I've written about Parts Work, also known as Ego States Therapy and IFS (Internal Family Systems) before (see my article: How Parts Work Can Empower You)

Also see the articles listed at the end of this article.

What is Creativity?

People often think of creativity as being related only to art, writing and other artistic works.

What is Creativity?

But creativity also includes:

• Problem solving for day to day issues
• Scientific solutions
• Cooking
• Gardening
• Thinking of new ways to approach everyday tasks
• Finding new ways to deal with stress
• Finding new ways to communicate more effectively

And so on.

The list above is only a small fraction of ways to be creative (see my article: Reclaiming Your Creativity).

How Can Parts Work Therapy Help With Creativity?

Parts Work is a type of Experiential Therapy that helps you to get to know the many different aspects of your personality.

In other words, Parts Work helps you to get to know your internal psychological landscape from the inside out.

Parts Work Therapy Can Help With Creativity

Parts Work therapy can be used in many different ways, including in Trauma Therapy. 

It can also be used to help you to access parts of yourself that are unconscious or disowned (see my article: Discovering and Giving Voice to Disowned Parts of Yourself).

A psychotherapist who uses Parts Work can help you to discover the various parts of your personality so you can get to know these parts and use them creatively.

Clinical Vignettes

The following clinical vignettes are composites of many different cases and illustrates how Parts Work Therapy can be used to help with creativity:

Jane

Jane was having problems getting started with a book that was due to her publisher in a few months.

Every time she sat down to try to write, she felt blocked. Specifically, she felt overwhelmed by feelings of inadequacy and shame (see my articles: Shame is at the Root of Most Psychological Problems).

Struggling With the Internal Critic

When she spoke with her therapist, who did Parts Work, Jane discovered that her shame and feelings of inadequacy stemmed from a part that was an internal critic.

This internal critic developed in her childhood from being told by her father that she would never amount to anything (see my article: Overcoming Emotional Blocks).

After working with this critical part, Jane was able to see that this part was keeping her emotionally blocked. 

Through her Parts Work therapy, Jane was able to ask this part to "step aside" with compassion so she could access the more creative parts of herself that helped her to open up new ideas for her book. 

Parts Work Therapy Can Help With Creativity

Her creative parts included a much freer playful part that helped her to play with ideas and freed her up to write.

As she continued to work in Parts Work therapy, Jane learned how to feel compassion for the internal critic part and that part was transformed into a source of strength.  

Once this occurred, Jane no longer had problems with writer's block.

Bill

Bill was given the task of coming up with new ideas for an old product at work. 

Initially, Bill was excited about the project, but every time he tried to sit down to draft ideas, he found himself getting so anxious that he would distract himself with social media or TV as a way to avoid doing the work.

Procrastination as Part of Avoidance

Knowing he couldn't procrastinate anymore, he sought help from a psychotherapist who did Parts Work therapy to overcome his problem.

Through Parts Work therapy, Bill learned that his anxiety was a protective part of himself that feared he would humiliate himself by doing a poor job with the project. His procrastination was related to this part of himself.

His Parts Work therapist helped Bill to realize this protective part stemmed from his childhood experiences in a family that was very risk averse.  

As a child, whenever Bill wanted to try something new, his anxious parents would come up with all kinds of reasons why it would be dangerous for him to try anything new.

By showing compassion to the protective part of himself in Parts Work therapy, he was able to get that part of himself to relax and allow more creative parts of himself which were curious and more adventurous to come to the surface.

These creative parts allowed him to approach his work project with new energy.

Parts Work Therapy Can Help with Creativity

When he presented his ideas to his team, Bill received a lot of praise from his manager and colleagues which also helped to disconfirm his fear that taking risks was dangerous.  He learned instead to be open to his creativity and present his work with pride.

Conclusion

Parts Work is an umbrella term for various types of therapies, like Ego States and IFS.

Parts are aspects of your personality.

Parts are often unconscious so that you aren't aware they're creating obstacles for you.

Parts Work therapy helps to make the unconscious conscious so you can to transform these parts into creative parts.

Many parts go back to childhood and might, at first, resist giving up their protective role. 

You can think of this dynamic as being similar to a defense mechanism which has been ingrained in you for a long time. 

No parts are considered "bad" and no parts are discarded. 

Instead, a Parts Work therapist helps you to find way to transform a part from being an obstacle to being a source of strength.

Getting Help in Parts Work Therapy

Getting Help in Parts Work Therapy

If you're struggling with a problem you have been unable to resolve on your own, rather than continuing to feel stuck, you can seek help from a licensed mental health professional who does Parts Work therapy.

Parts Work therapy helps to free you from obstacles that are getting in your way so you can lead a more fulfilling life.

Also See My Other Articles on Parts Work

How Are Therapy Cards Used For Self Discovery in Parts Work?

Parts Work Therapy: Is an Unconscious Part of Yourself Running Your Life?

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing, IFS, Ego States Therapist and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

It's Common and Normal to Have Fantasies

In prior articles, I've discussed many different aspects of romantic and sexual fantasies (see my articles: The 7 Core Sexual Fantasies and Exploring and Normalizing Sexual Fantasies Without Guilt or Shame).

Fantasies Are Common and Normal

The current article focuses on how and why sexual fantasies are normal and common.  

What Are Fantasies?

There are many definitions for fantasies.  

Basically, fantasies are imaginary scenarios that people play out in their mind.  Sometimes these fantasies are new or recurring scenarios and/or they might be based on memories.

Many fantasies are never acted upon, but they can still be enjoyed in your mind.

In general, fantasies can be about anything, including but not limited to:

• Imagining winning the lottery
• Thinking about what it would be like to be famous
• Imagining what it would be like to travel around the world
• Imagining being someone else--either someone you know in real life or a character in a TV program, movie or book
• Imagining having certain super powers
• Having thoughts about having an affair you have no intention of doing real life
• Imagining being in a more interesting job
• Entertaining yourself while you're bored
• Playing with "what if...." scenarios in your mind: "What if he likes me the way I like him?" or "What if I accept that new job offer?" or "What if I take a risk?"
• Imagining what you would do in a worst case scenario as a form of mental rehearsal
• Imagining what you might have said or might say to someone in a conversation
• Imagining how you'll feel if you accomplish a goal that's important to you
• Having thoughts about what your life might be like under different circumstances

And so on.

What Are the Benefits of Fantasizing?

In general, there can be many benefits to having fantasies whether they are enacted or not.

Fantasies Are Common and Normal

Here are just a few:

• Helping you to get to know yourself better by seeing yourself in new and unfamiliar situations
• Helping you to see alternatives to the way you are now
• Coming up with creative solutions to problems
• Using a fantasy as a mental rehearsal before acting on it in real life
• Acting as a compensatory wish you derive satisfaction from--even though you won't do it in real life
• Boosting your mood
• Getting yourself out of a rut
• Becoming open to new experiences
• Providing you with a temporary escape from your current situation
• Energizing you mentally, emotionally and physically

Why Are Some People Afraid of Their Fantasies?

From an early age, many people are taught (implicitly or explicitly) that fantasizing, in general, is wrong.

For instance, young students are often scolded for not paying attention in class if they're daydreaming.  And, although it's important that students learn their lessons in class, it's also important for young minds to explore and create in their fantasies.  After all, play--whether it's children's play or adult play--is about being creative.

Many people are taught at a young age that having daydreams and fantasies are a waste of time.  They're taught that actively doing is more important than imagining. 

While it's true that if you only daydream about your hopes and dreams and never do anything to bring them to fruition you won't get very far, the seeds of creative ideas often begin with a daydream or fantasy that can be the start of fulfilling your dreams.

Why Are Some People Afraid Specifically of Their Sexual Fantasies?

Having sexual fantasies is common and normal as I have been reiterating.  In fact, research on sexual fantasies has revealed that 3 out of 4 people have sexual fantasies.

So, if sexual fantasies are common, why are some people uncomfortable with the idea of them?

Discomfort and fear of sexual fantasies are often based on certain religious, cultural or familial prohibitions that indicate that sex in general shouldn't even be thought about--much less engaged in--before marriage.  

However, these prohibitions can have a lasting effect.  For many people it's not like flipping a switch after they get married to suddenly feel comfortable with sex and sexual fantasies.  They might still have a vague feeling that it's wrong.

For many people sexual fantasies can cause fear, confusion, anxiety, guilt, shame and ambivalence.  On a certain level, some people might enjoy a sexual fantasy--even one they have no intention of carrying out--but on another level they feel bad about it.

On the other hand, other people find it exciting to engage in sexual fantasies that are taboo, so it depends on the individual (see my article: A Cornertone of Eroticism: Violating Prohibitions By Breaking the Rules).

What Are the Benefits of Sexual Fantasies?

As mentioned earlier, fantasies are normal and common.

The mind is creative and exploratory, so having fantasies, sexual or otherwise, is one way that people can satisfy their needs and wants.

Fantasies Are Common and Normal

People have sexual fantasies regardless of gender, sex, sexual orientation, age, race, marital status, ability/disability or other factors.

Sexual fantasies often help to promote sexual arousal.  

For instance, if you and your partner have scheduled time to have sex in a few days, having fantasies about it can help to build sexual anticipation and excitement (see my article: Creating Sexual Desire Using the Sex Drive Simmer Technique and Anticipation and Longing as an Erotic Aphrodisiac).

Sexual fantasies can also help to boost sexual confidence in many ways, including having a fantasy of being able to initiate and enjoy sex.

Should You Share Your Sexual Fantasies With Your Partner?

Sharing a sexual fantasies with a partner can be empowering and fun if your partner is open to talking about fantasies.

Typically, sharing sexual fantasies can strengthen the bond between partners.  

However, if your partner tends to be judgmental or unsure, it could have the opposite effect.

Sometimes the problem is with the word "fantasy" so, instead, you can ask what your partner might be curious about sexually (see my article: Substituting the Words "What's Your Fantasy?" With "What Are You Sexually Curious About?").

What Can You Do and Your Partner Aren't on the Same Wavelength About Sexual Fantasies?

Some people like sharing their fantasies with their partner and others like to keep it private.  

If you do want to share your sexual fantasies, be aware that it's not unusual for individuals in a relationship to have differences when it comes to sexual fantasies.

Just like anything else, including the kinds of food you each like, sexual fantasies can be unique for each person.  

What one person enjoys, the other person might not.  Or one of you might have a rich sexual fantasy life and the other might not be comfortable with sexual fantasies at all.

Others might want to talk about their fantasies, but they don't know how (see my article: How to Talk to Your Partner About Sex - Part 1) and Part 2).

If you feel the differences between you and your partner are getting in the way of having a pleasurable sex life, these differences can often be negotiated and worked out in sex therapy.  

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

Sex therapy is a form of talk therapy for individuals and couples (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).

People seek help in sex therapy for a variety of reasons (see my article: What Are Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?).

There is no physical exam, nudity or sex during a sex therapy session (see my article: What Are Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?).

If you're struggling with sexual issues, you could benefit from seeking help in sex therapy to have a more fulfilling sex life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.