Dating and Relationships: How to Stop Being Someone's Backup Plan (AKA: A Second Choice)

By Josephine Ferraro, LCSW — Licensed NYC Psychotherapist
Updated on October 7, 2026

Being treated as a relationship backup plan occurs when a partner keeps you around as a secondary option while prioritizing someone else. While unrequited feelings are a common part of the dating app experience, establishing a repetitive pattern of being a second choice signals a need to break unhealthy relationship cycles.

An emotionally lopsided dating dynamic can leave you anxiously waiting on the backburner. — Josephine Ferraro, LCSW, NYC Psychotherapist in Greenwich Village.

As a licensed New York City psychotherapist, one of my specialties helping clients to improve their relationship patterns. 

I frequently see how adjusting your dating habits and raising your baseline boundaries allows you to pivot from being a convenient option to a true priority.

7 Warning Signs You Are Someone's Second Choice in Dating

Recognizing a lopsided dynamic is the first step in reclaiming your sense of self-worth. 

Here are the most common signs that you might be sitting on someone's backburner:

1. It is Difficult to Get Their Attention

If someone shows little interest in you when you first start dating, they might not see you as their top choice because they are hoping to be with someone else. Perhaps the person they truly desire is in another relationship, and they are simply waiting for them to become available. Alternatively, they may be seeing you "for now" until someone they consider a better match comes along.

During this time, they might string you along by breadcrumbing you—giving you just enough attention to keep you interested without committing (for more on this dynamic, read my article: A Vignette About Breadcrumbing).

2. You Initiate Most of the Contact and Relationship Effort

When you are a secondary option, communication is rarely equal. They might text you sporadically with superficial, vague messages. Even though they claim they want to see you, it is incredibly difficult to pin them down to specific plans. They might make vague references to being busy, leaving you entirely in the dark about their life. If they make little to no effort to move the relationship forward, and all the emotional labor falls on you, you are likely not a priority.

3. They Cancel Plans at the Last Minute

Frequent cancellations are a major red flag. If their explanations are consistently vague—such as "I'm too busy" or "something came up"—it often means a more preferred option became available. Whatever the excuse, consistent cancellations prove they are not prioritizing your time.

4. They Only See You at Their Convenience

When you do spend time together, it is entirely on their terms. These dates often look like last-minute invitations or structural afterthoughts. They rarely take your schedule into consideration, and if you cannot make it, they don't seem disappointed or eager to reschedule.

5. They Refuse to Use Relationship Labels

When you try to discuss where the relationship stands, they claim they "don't like labels." You might hear phrases like, "Why do we have to put a label on this?" or "Why don't we just see where this goes?" Deep down, you likely sense the relationship isn't progressing because they are intentionally stringing you along while keeping their options open.

6. You Walk on Eggshells Out of Fear They Will Leave

You can see the unfair dynamic clearly, but you are afraid to point it out. You stay quiet because you worry that calling out their behavior will cause them to leave entirely. By silently hoping you will magically become their priority, you slowly compromise your own self-worth.

7. You Haven't Met Their Friends or Family

If you have been dating for a significant amount of time and are still completely isolated from their inner circle, you are likely a backup plan. They purposely avoid introducing you to friends or family because they don't view the dynamic as long-term.

How to Stop Being a Backup Plan and Reclaim Your Value

Breaking out of an unhealthy relationship cycle requires a conscious shift in mindset and behavior. Use these steps to transition from being an option to becoming a priority:

• Develop Deep Self-Awareness: Admitting you are a second choice to someone you love is incredibly painful, but you owe it to yourself to see the reality of the situation. If you are struggling to see it clearly, talk it over with a trusted, objective friend.
• Identify Why You Accept Less Than You Deserve: It's one thing for someone to treat you poorly; it is another for you to tolerate it. Reflect on whether this willingness to stay stems from your family history, childhood dynamics, or past relationship trauma. Are you staying simply because you fear you won't find anyone else?
• Directly Call Out the Behavior: If they are doing the bare minimum to keep you on the hook, you must address this manipulative behavior directly. When fear of losing them holds you back, ask yourself honestly: What am I actually losing?
• Reflect on Your Recurring Dating Choices: Finding yourself in this scenario repeatedly usually points to an unconscious pattern. Recognizing these cycles is the key to choosing different partners moving forward (for deeper insight, see my article: Falling in Love With "Mr. Wrong" Over and Over Again).
• Enforce Rigid Relationship Boundaries: If you are genuinely content with a casual, occasional dynamic, being a second choice might not hurt. But if you want a committed relationship, you must respect your own needs. Make it clear that you will not wait around, and walk away if they continue to treat you as a secondary option.

When to Seek Professional Support

While recognizing these toxic cycles is an important first step, breaking free from deeply ingrained behavioral patterns on your own can be incredibly difficult.

If you find yourself repeatedly falling into the backup plan trap, working with a licensed mental health professional can help. 

In my practice, I utilize evidence-based modalities to help individuals identify the root causes of their relationship choices and build the secure boundaries needed for lasting love.

Frequently Asked Questions About Relationship Backup Plans

What does it mean to be someone's backup plan?
Being a backup plan means a dating partner keeps you in their life as a secondary, convenient option while they actively pursue or hope to be with someone else. They give you just enough attention to keep you interested, but never make you their top priority.

How do you tell if you are a second choice or just taking things slow?

Taking things slow involves consistent communication, mutual effort, and respect for boundaries from both partners. Being a second choice, however, is defined by last-minute plans, vague communication, breadcrumbing, and a distinct feeling that you are only wanted when it is convenient for them.

How do you walk away from being a second choice?

To walk away, you must clearly state your needs and match your actions to your boundaries. Let the person know you are looking for a committed relationship, stop initiating contact, and completely remove yourself from the dynamic if they fail to step up. 

About Josephine Ferraro, LCSW

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, Trauma Specialist, Emotionally Focused Therapist For Couples and Certified Sex Therapist based in Greenwich Village, Manhattan. 

I have over 25 years of experience working with individual adults and couples.

I also provide mind-body oriented experiential therapy including:

• IFS Therapy
• Attachment-Focused EMDR Therapy
• AEDP
• Somatic Experiencing
• Clinical Hypnosis (Hypnotherapy)

I offer therapy in person in my NYC office and online via telehealth throughout New York State.

I provide a free 15-minute phone call before setting up an appointment.

• Office Location: Greenwich Village, New York City 10011 (Available for in-person and online sessions)
• Phone: (917) 742-2624 (during business hours)
• Visit My Website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist
• Email: josephineferraro@iCloud.com
  
  
  

Coping With Dating Anxiety

This article was updated on September 20, 2026.

When you have anxiety, dating can feel like an exhausting job interview.

Dating anxiety often triggers intense hopes and fears, but learning to ground ourselves allows us to navigate vulnerability with genuine self-compassion.

My article discusses both the internal and external hurdles that you might encounter when you're dealing with dating anxiety and how to manage your anxiety:

What Are the Internal Hurdles?

• Overthinking: You don't have to analyze every text, how long it takes the other person to respond to your text and try to interpret whether the person likes you or not by the inclusion or exclusion of emojis (see my article: Tips on How to Stop Overthinking).

• Fear of Rejection: When you shift your focus from "Will they like me?" to "Will I like them?", you can take back your personal power (see my article: Reclaiming Your Personal Power).

• Social Fatigue: Keep the early dates short to manage your anxiety and avoid possible social fatigue where you feel drained by the other person. You can manage dating anxiety by treating early dates as low stake social events rather than high-pressure auditions.

• Self Sabotage: Focus on being curious and getting to know the other person. Don't focus only on looking for flaws or red flags that don't exist. Also, don't complain about how horrible online dating is or your prior dating or relationship disasters (see my article: Overcoming Self Sabotaging Behavior).

• Early Disclosure Anxiety: Don't overshare the details of your mental health concerns or your family trauma on your first date. Also, don't complain about your exes.

• A Constant Need For Reassurance: Avoid asking your date for constant reassurance due to your anxiety. Focus on yourself.

• Settling: Once you have dated the person a few times and you feel the two of you aren't compatible, don't "settle" for the wrong person just to avoid dating anxiety.

Managing Pre-Date Anxiety

Since anxiety thrives on uncertainty, you can minimize the unknown variables before the date to lower your anxiety:

• Limit Time on Dating Apps: Since spending a lot of time on dating apps or waiting for responses can fuel rumination, plan to spend only a limited amount of time on apps. Set a time limit, like 10 or 15 minutes every day or every other day (or whatever works for you) to prevent stress and burnout.

• Plan Low Stakes Short Activities: Instead of meeting for dinner, choose short activities, like meeting for coffee or tea. 

• Pick Familiar Territory For Your Date: Suggest a place you already know well. Knowing the layout, the menu or parking situations removes logistical anxiety and stress.

• Have An Exit Plan: You can reduce your anxiety by knowing that you have a short get-together so you don't have to remain for long if you don't want to stay.

Managing Anxiety During the Date

• Stay Grounded: If your mind starts spinning due to anxiety, ground yourself by silently naming things to yourself. For instance, you can choose a color, like blue, and silently notice all the things around you that are the color blue. In this way, you orient yourself to your environment rather than focusing on anxiety. You can also silently focus on how your feet feel on the ground to feel calmer.

• Manage Your Expectations: Remember that a date is like having a conversation. It's not a marriage proposal. Aim for having fun and not for finding your "soulmate".

• Have Topics in Mind to Discuss: If the conversation starts to drag or it gets boring, have a few topics or open-ended questions in mind so you don't become anxious when there are silences.

• Focus on the Here-and-Now: Instead of allowing your anxiety to spin out of control with thoughts like, "He doesn't like me" or "She's bored", focus on the here-and-now rather than the thoughts spinning in your head. Are they smiling? Are they asking you questions? Focus on the present rather than your anxious internal commentary.

Managing Anxiety After the Date

• Establish a Wind-Down Routine For Yourself: Plan a wind-down activity for yourself for after the date. This might include journaling or watching a TV program that is comforting for you. This can ensure that the rest of your day ends on a good note regardless of how the date went.

• Mute Dating App Notifications: Turn off push notifications on your dating apps. This can stop the addictive dopamine loop and allows you to be in control of when you want to look at the apps.

• Pause Before Texting: If a delayed response from your date triggers a fight-or-flight response in you, put your phone in another room. Take a few slow breaths before writing back to avoid reactive, anxious texts (see my article: 8 Tips For Coping With Triggers).

• Remember Your Autonomy: Remember that you are responsible for managing your emotions. Don't expect a new date to constantly reassure you or alter their texting habits which could put a strain on a new dating relationship.

Getting Help in Therapy

If anxiety feels unmanageable or if it is due to prior unhealthy relationships or unresolved trauma, get help from a licensed mental health professional.

A skilled psychotherapist can help you to manage your anxiety by providing you with tools and strategies as well as dealing with the underlying issues that might be fueling your anxiety.

Rather than struggling alone, get help so you can live a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, and advanced practitioner specializing in IFS Parts Work, Somatic Experiencing, AEDP, EMDR, EFT Couples Therapy and Certified Sex Therapist.

I provide depth-oriented, experiential therapy to help individual adults and couples move past internal blockages into authentic relational alignment.

To learn more about my clinical background, clinical philosophy, and healing approach, please visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

• Office Location: I see clients in-person at my Greenwich Village office (New York, NY 10011) as well as online via secure telehealth.
• Initial Contact: I provide a complimentary 15-minute phone call prior to scheduling an initial appointment.
• Contact Information: You can reach me directly at (917) 742-2624 during standard business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles:

Dating: How to Move Beyond Small Talk 

Dating in Your 40s, 50s, 60s and Beyond

Are You Dating or Are You in A Relationship? How to Avoid Misunderstandings 

Why Searching For the "Perfect" Partner Will Disappoint You 

What is the Difference Between Fear and Anxiety?

 

Dating For a Lasting Relationship: The Spark vs the Slow Burn

This article was updated on September 13, 2026.

In our fast paced world, people often feel that if they don't experience an immediate spark on a first date, there's nothing there. But the spark isn't necessarily a good indicator if you want a lasting relationship.

Building a lasting relationship requires shifting away from superficial traits and focusing on the slow burn of genuine psychological connection.

In this article, I'm focusing on the difference between the spark and the slow burn when you're dating (see my prior articles about dating at the end of this article).

What is the Difference Between a Slow Burn vs a Spark?

When you're dating to develop a lasting connection that leads to a committed relationship, you need to understand the difference between a spark and a slow burn.

    The Spark

The spark is basically the rush of emotions you feel when you meet someone and you feel an attraction. This is often referred to as "instant chemistry." Some people describe it as feeling "butterflies."

The spark of physical attraction (or chemistry) includes the following hormones:

• Dopamine
• Norepinephrine
• Oxytocin
• Testosterone
• Estrogen
• Adrenaline

Although the spark is usually what's celebrated in movies, TV programs and social media, it's not necessarily a reliable indicator that you have met your one-and-only person. 

For one thing, there are many people who are naturally charismatic. They know how to turn on the charm to give off the spark. 

So, you might be fooled into thinking you have a strong emotional connection with someone when it's not really anything long lasting (see my article: Falling in Love With Charisma Instead of Character).

Once the initial spark fades, as it's liable to do after a while, you might find there's very little substance to your relationship (see my article: What Are the 3 Stages of the Honeymoon Phase (also called Limerence)?).

In addition, most people tend to project their wants and desires onto a person they're attracted to before they even know them.  

While it's easy to understand how this can happen, especially if you have had prior dating disappointments, it's important to be aware of these projections so you don't set yourself up for another disappointment when you actually get to know the person you're dating.

This doesn't mean that chemistry (or the spark) isn't important.  It is. But the type of chemistry that leads to a lasting relationship takes time to develop. It doesn't happen immediately.

Chemistry that leads to a lasting connection includes physical attraction, but there's so much more:

• Strong communication

• Mutual respect

• Trust 

• Emotional intimacy (see my article: Emotional Vulnerability as a Pathway to Emotional and Sexual Intimacy)

• A deep understanding of each other

• Shared values

    The Slow Burn

So, if the spark can be misleading, what's a better predictor of a real connection?

The answer is: The slow burn.

Relationship experts talk about the slow burn as a type of simmering rather than a spark.

When a dating relationship is allowed to simmer, you give yourself time to get to know the other person. 

During the initial dating phase, it's hard to assess if what you're feeling is real or not and if you're seeing the other person clearly.  You need to see them in many different situations to get to know their character.

Here are just a few things to look for:

• Do you feel heard and understood by this person?

• Do you feel relaxed and curious around this person?

• Do their values and goals align with yours?

• Do they treat other people well, including your friends?

• Are they respectful to others, like the waitstaff at a restaurant?

• How do they talk about exes?

How Slow is the Slow Burn?

It's unfortunate that many people make their decision about whether to continue dating someone based on whether they feel a spark on the first date.  

They don't take the time to get to know someone, which often leads to many first dates and nothing of substance.

There can be so many factors as to why you or your date might not come across well on a first date, including nerves, which doesn't give you or them an accurate picture.

Of course, if you discover immediate dealbreakers, that's another story. 

But many people don't take the time to think about what their dealbreakers so they end up with a long list of things that aren't necessarily dealbreakers or they have no list at all.

Generally, you can get a sense of how well you connect with someone you're dating in 5-6 dates (more or less). By then, you generally know if you have the beginning of a connection with someone.

This doesn't mean you know whether this dating relationship will lead to a committed relationship, but it's a start.

It will take a lot more time to see whether you can form a lasting relationship over time.

Take Time After a Date to Self Reflect

Rather than rejecting someone because you didn't feel instant chemistry or, at the other extreme, thinking you found your "true love" because you felt instant chemistry, take time after a date to reflect on how you felt during the date:

• Are you curious about them?

• Did they seem curious about you?

• Did you feel heard when you spoke to your date?

• Did your date dominate the conversation?

• Did you feel you had to carry the conversation?

• Did you feel energized when you were with this person?

• Did you laugh together, if that's important to you? (see my article: The Power of Humor and Laughter)

How to Move On When There's No Slow Burn Over Time

While it's important to allow time for things to simmer, after a while, you might realize that it's not going to happen.

If nothing is simmering, you can decide if you want to continue to give this dating relationship a chance or if you want to move on.

Being honest, kind and tactful is important, which means that ghosting is not the solution. 

Talk to the person you've been dating and let them know that you're not feeling a connection with them.  Give them a chance to respond. Listen to what they have to say and then make your decision.

Conclusion

Most people rely heavily on whether they feel a spark, but the spark is not a reliable indicator for many of the reasons given above.

While chemistry and physical attraction are important, these qualities alone aren't good predictors of a lasting relationship.

Take your time to get to know someone before you rule them out as a possibility for a lasting  relationship.

And just a note: Not everyone is looking for a monogamous relationship. Some people date to hookup. Others want a consensual nonmonogamous relationship or solo polyamory.

That's fine. Just be aware of what you want and whether the other person(s) are looking for the same thing.

About Josephine Ferraro, LCSW

I see clients online throughout New York State and in person at my private office in Greenwich Village, New York, NY 10011.

I offer a free 15-minute phone call before scheduling your initial appointment.

• Website: Visit Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist to learn more about my practice.

• Email: Reach out confidentially via email at josephineferraro@iCloud.com.

• Phone: Call me directly at (917) 742-2624 during standard business hours

Also, see my prior articles:

• Dating: What Should You Talk About On Your First Date?

• Dating: Is a Situationship Right For You?

• How Does "Old School Dating" Compare to How People Date Today?

• Dating vs Being in a Relationship

• Dating in Your 40s, 50s, 60s and Beyond
  

Relationships: Overcoming Fear of Commitment

Why do certain people have a fear of making a commitment in a relationship--even after the couple has been together for a while? (see my article: Are You Dating Someone Who Has a Fear of Commitment?).

Overcoming a Fear of Commitment

While the reasons for fear of commitment are as varied as the individuals who have this fear, there are often certain psychological issues:

• Fear of Losing Independence: For instance, some people fear that making a commitment to move in with a partner or to get married automatically means losing their autonomy to engage in their hobbies, spend time with friends or other activities they enjoy without their partner.

Overcoming Fear of Commitment

• Fear of Being Controlled: If an individual isn't in a relationship with someone who is controlling, a fear of being controlled or "smothered" often stems from childhood experiences. Talking about commitment can trigger a fight-or-flight response to avoid the fear of being controlled or dominated again.

• Avoidant Attachment Style: An avoidant attachment style, like any attachment style, is on a continuum. Some individuals with an avoidant attachment style feel they would rather be alone to protect themselves from the emotional vulnerability involved with being in a committed relationship.

• Fear of Rejection or Abandonment: Some people avoid making a commitment because they fear their partner will eventually leave them. By remaining uncommitted, they protect themselves from the pain of a potential breakup (see my article: Fear of Abandonment Can Occur Even in a Healthy, Stable Relationship).

Overcoming Fear of Commitment

• Unresolved Trauma From Childhood or Prior Relationships: Experiences like witnessing parents' unhappy marriage as a child, being cheated on by a prior partner, a messy divorce or other similar unresolved traumatic situations can leave deep emotional wounds. These individuals might associate making a commitment with pain and loss (see my article: Reacting to the Present Based on Your Traumatic Past).

• The Paradox of Choice: Individuals who use dating apps often feel they have endless choices. Some people hesitate to make a commitment because they fear they might be missing out on a "better match" which can lead to "decision paralysis."

Overcoming Your Fear of Making a Commitment

• Identify Underlying Fears: If you have a fear of making a commitment, especially if you have encountered this fear many times with individuals you care about in healthy relationships, you can start by identifying your underlying fears.

Overcoming a Fear of Commitment

• Challenge Your Thoughts About "What If" Scenarios: Take an objective look at your "what if" fears and ask yourself how likely these scenarios will occur. Separate out your fears from the past from your current situation (see my article: Feeling Aren't Facts).

• Don't Project Too Far Into the Future: Instead of wondering whether or not you'll be happy 15 years from now, focus on the present.

• Establish Autonomy in Your Relationship: A healthy relationship allows for shared time together as well as independent time to pursue other interests.

• Accept Imperfection: Nothing is perfect. As long as there aren't dealbreakers (e.g., one of you wants to have children and the other doesn't), accept that no relationship is perfect. Focus on teamwork with your partner.

• Take Small Manageable Steps: Check in with yourself and your partner after a few dates. If you both want to continue dating, check in after a couple of months, six months, a year and two years to assess how you each feel (see my article: Making Changes One Step at a Time).

Getting Help in Therapy

• Get Help in Therapy: If the self help steps above aren't working for you, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional to explore the underlying unconscious issues that you might not see on your own. Depending upon the problems involved, either individual therapy or couples therapy could be helpful rather than struggling on your own.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have helped many individual adults and couples over the years in person and online.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.