Dating For a Lasting Relationship: The Spark vs the Slow Burn

In our fast paced world, people often feel that if they don't experience an immediate spark on a first date, there's nothing there. But the spark isn't necessarily a good indicator if you want a lasting relationship.

 

Dating For a Lasting Relationship: The Spark vs the Slow Burn

In this article, I'm focusing on the difference between the spark and the slow burn when you're dating (see my prior articles about dating at the end of this article).

What is the Difference Between a Slow Burn vs a Spark?

When you're dating to develop a lasting connection that leads to a committed relationship, you need to understand the difference between a spark and a slow burn.

Dating: The Spark vs the Slow Burn

    The Spark

The spark is basically the rush of emotions you feel when you meet someone and you feel an attraction. This is often referred to as "instant chemistry." Some people describe it as feeling "butterflies."

The spark of physical attraction (or chemistry) includes the following hormones:

• Dopamine
• Norepinephrine
• Oxytocin
• Testosterone
• Estrogen
• Adrenaline

Although the spark is usually what's celebrated in movies, TV programs and social media, it's not necessarily a reliable indicator that you have met your one-and-only person. 

Dating For a Lasting Relationship: The Spark

For one thing, there are many people who are naturally charismatic. They know how to turn on the charm to give off the spark. 

So, you might be fooled into thinking you have a strong emotional connection with someone when it's not really anything long lasting (see my article: Falling in Love With Charisma Instead of Character).

Once the initial spark fades, as it's liable to do after a while, you might find there's very little substance to your relationship (see my article: What Are the 3 Stages of the Honeymoon Phase (also called Limerence)?).

In addition, most people tend to project their wants and desires onto a person they're attracted to before they even know them.  

While it's easy to understand how this can happen, especially if you have had prior dating disappointments, it's important to be aware of these projections so you don't set yourself up for another disappointment when you actually get to know the person you're dating.

This doesn't mean that chemistry (or the spark) isn't important.  It is. But the type of chemistry that leads to a lasting relationship takes time to develop. It doesn't happen immediately.

Chemistry that leads to a lasting connection includes physical attraction, but there's so much more:

• Strong communication

• Mutual respect

• Trust 

• Emotional intimacy (see my article: Emotional Vulnerability as a Pathway to Emotional and Sexual Intimacy)

• A deep understanding of each other

• Shared values

    The Slow Burn

So, if the spark can be misleading, what's a better predictor of a real connection?

Dating For a Lasting Relationship: The Slow Burn

The answer is: The slow burn.

Relationship experts talk about the slow burn as a type of simmering rather than a spark.

When a dating relationship is allowed to simmer, you give yourself time to get to know the other person. 

During the initial dating phase, it's hard to assess if what you're feeling is real or not and if you're seeing the other person clearly.  You need to see them in many different situations to get to know their character.

Here are just a few things to look for:

• Do you feel heard and understood by this person?

• Do you feel relaxed and curious around this person?

• Do their values and goals align with yours?

• Do they treat other people well, including your friends?

• Are they respectful to others, like the waitstaff at a restaurant?

• How do they talk about exes?

How Slow is the Slow Burn?

It's unfortunate that many people make their decision about whether to continue dating someone based on whether they feel a spark on the first date.  

They don't take the time to get to know someone, which often leads to many first dates and nothing of substance.

Dating For a Lasting Relationship: The Slow Burn

There can be so many factors as to why you or your date might not come across well on a first date, including nerves, which doesn't give you or them an accurate picture.

Of course, if you discover immediate dealbreakers, that's another story. 

But many people don't take the time to think about what their dealbreakers so they end up with a long list of things that aren't necessarily dealbreakers or they have no list at all.

Dating For a Lasting Relationship: The Slow Burn

Generally, you can get a sense of how well you connect with someone you're dating in 5-6 dates (more or less). By then, you generally know if you have the beginning of a connection with someone.

This doesn't mean you know whether this dating relationship will lead to a committed relationship, but it's a start.

It will take a lot more time to see whether you can form a lasting relationship over time.

Take Time After a Date to Self Reflect

Rather than rejecting someone because you didn't feel instant chemistry or, at the other extreme, thinking you found your "true love" because you felt instant chemistry, take time after a date to reflect on how you felt during the date:

• Are you curious about them?

• Did they seem curious about you?

• Did you feel heard when you spoke to your date?

Dating For a Lasting Relationship: Take Time to Self Reflect

• Did your date dominate the conversation?

• Did you feel you had to carry the conversation?

• Did you feel energized when you were with this person?

• Did you laugh together, if that's important to you? (see my article: The Power of Humor and Laughter)

How to Move On When There's No Slow Burn Over Time

While it's important to allow time for things to simmer, after a while, you might realize that it's not going to happen.

Moving On When There's No Slow Burn

If nothing is simmering, you can decide if you want to continue to give this dating relationship a chance or if you want to move on.

Being honest, kind and tactful is important, which means that ghosting is not the solution. 

Talk to the person you've been dating and let them know that you're not feeling a connection with them.  Give them a chance to respond. Listen to what they have to say and then make your decision.

Conclusion

Most people rely heavily on whether they feel a spark, but the spark is not a reliable indicator for many of the reasons given above.

Dating For a Lasting Relationship

While chemistry and physical attraction are important, these qualities alone aren't good predictors of a lasting relationship.

Take your time to get to know someone before you rule them out as a possibility for a lasting  relationship.

And just a note: Not everyone is looking for a monogamous relationship. Some people date to hookup. Others want a consensual nonmonogamous relationship or solo polyamory.

That's fine. Just be aware of what you want and whether the other person(s) are looking for the same thing.

Also, see my prior articles:

• Dating: What Should You Talk About On Your First Date?

• Dating: Is a Situationship Right For You?

• How Does "Old School Dating" Compare to How People Date Today?

• Dating vs Being in a Relationship

• Dating in Your 40s, 50s, 60s and Beyond

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples) Therapist, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many clients to deal with relationship issues.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Dating and Relationships: How to Stop Being His or Her Backup Plan (AKA: A Second Choice)

If you have ever used dating apps to meet people, you know you can meet many different people before you meet someone you really like.

Unfortunately, feelings aren't always mutual. 

How to Stop Being His or Her Backup Plan

You might be interested in someone who really wants to be with someone else and vice versa.  

This isn't unusual. But if you find that your pattern is to see people who make you their "backup plan," you might want to rethink your dating patterns.

What is a Backup Plan in Dating and Relationships?

A backup plan is considered a second choice.  It happens when someone really wants to be with someone else but, for whatever reason, they can't be, so they choose someone who is their second choice.

Another possible scenario is that the person you like doesn't have someone in particular in mind, but they're keeping you around as a placeholder until they meet the person they want to be with.

If you want to get into a serious relationship, you don't want to be anyone's backup plan or placeholder while they're waiting for someone else.

What Are the Signs That You Might Be Someone's Backup Plan?

• It's Difficult to Get Their Attention: If someone shows little interest in you when you first start dating, they might not see you as #1 because they're hoping to be with someone else. Maybe the one they want to be with is in another relationship and the person you're dating is hoping they will become available. Or, they're seeing you "for now" until someone else they consider "better" comes along.  Along the way, they might string you along by breadcrumbing you with just enough attention to keep you simmering on the backburner (see my article: A Vignette About Breadcrumbing).

How to Stop Being His or Her Backup Plan

• You Initiate Most of the Contact and Any Effort to Move the Relationship Forward: Maybe they text you sporadically and their texts are superficial and vague.  Even though they say they want to see you, it's hard to pin them down to specific plans. They might make vague references to being busy, but you don't really know what's going on in their life. They're making little or no effort to move the relationship along and any efforts to do so are made by you. Not only is this disheartening, but it could also be a sign you're not a priority.

• They Cancel Plans a Lot: Even when they make plans with you, they tend to cancel a lot. Once again, their explanations are vague ("I'm too busy" or "Something came up"). This could be a sign that the person they really want to be with has become available and they prefer to spend time with that person. Whatever the reason for their frequent cancellations, you sense you're not a priority for them.

• They See You at Their Convenience: When you do see each other, it's at their convenience. It might be a last minute plan as if it's an afterthought on their part. They don't take your schedule into consideration and, if you can't make it, they don't seem disappointed. This can be another sign that you're not a priority to them.

How to Stop Being His or Her Backup Plan

• They Don't Like Labels: When you try to discuss where things stand between you, you're told that they don't like labels. They might tell you something like, "Why do we have to put a label on this?" or "Why don't we just see where this goes?" But deep down you sense it's not going anywhere because they're stringing you along.

• You Walk on Eggshells Because You're Worried They'll Leave You if You Call Them Out on Their Behavior: You can see clearly that you're not a priority to them, but you're afraid to point this out because you're worried they'll stop seeing you. You keep hoping you'll become their priority, but it's not happening and you're compromising your sense of self worth.

• You've Been Dating For a While, But You Haven't Met Their Friends or Family: If you have been dating them for a while and you haven't met their friends or family, this could be a sign you're their backup plan. They might not want to introduce you to friends or family because they're waiting for someone else to come along.

How to Stop Being Their Backup Plan

• Develop Self Awareness: Although it might be painful to admit to yourself that you're not a priority to the person who is a priority to you, you owe it to yourself to become aware of the telltale signs that you're someone's backup plan. If you're not sure, talk it over with a trusted friend who can be more objective than you.

• Ask Yourself Why You're Putting Up With Their Behavior: It's one thing for them to treat you like you're not a priority and it's another thing for you to allow it. Is your willingness to put up with this behavior related to your family history or a history of unhealthy relationships? Are you afraid you won't meet anyone else if you leave this relationship? This can be a hard step to take, but it's essential for you to be honest with yourself if you want to stop being treated like you're not important. 

• Call Out Their Behavior: If you're in a situation where they're doing the least they can do just to keep stringing you along, you need to call out this manipulative behavior. If you hesitate because you're afraid you might lose them, ask yourself, "What would I really be losing?"

• Reflect on Your Choices: If you find yourself in this type of situation over and over again, you're probably repeating an unconscious pattern (see my article: Falling in Love With "Mr. Wrong" Over and Over Again).

• Respect Yourself and Your Own Needs: If you're okay with a casual relationship where you get together once in a while, you might not be bothered by being someone's second choice. But if you want to be in a serious relationship, you need to acknowledge and respect your own needs. Make it clear that you're not going to wait around for them and if they continue to treat you like a second choice, move on.

Get Help in Therapy

• Get Help in Therapy: Although you might realize you're repeating certain patterns, you might not know how to change these patterns on your own. A licensed mental health professional can help you to identify the patterns and, more importantly, help you to change them so you don't keep repeating them.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.