The Problem With Emophilia: Falling In Love Too Hard and Too Fast

Emophilia means falling in love too hard and too fast (see my article: Falling In Love With the Fantasy Rather Than the Reality).

Falling In Love Too Hard and Too Fast

People with emophilia prioritize the exhilarating feeling of falling in love over the practical evaluation of a partner which often sabotages long term relationship success.

What Are the Problems With Emophilia?

The problem with emophilia is that it can lead to:

• Risky behavior
• Poor relationship choices
• Potential exploitation by a partner
• Heartbreak

People who have problems with emophilia often overlook red flags because they rush into relationships without knowing the other person. 

This also puts them at risk for getting involved with partners who have Dark Triad personality traits including:

• Narcissism
• Machiavellianism 
• Psychopathy

The impulsivity of emophilia results in unhealthy patterns, power imbalances and repeated cycles of intense highs followed by heartbreak as opposed to a stable, healthy connection.

Emophilia often overlaps with an anxious attachment style because these people seek intense attachments to feel whole or avoid rejection. 

Key Issues of Emophilia:

• Ignoring Red Flags: The intense rush of feelings overshadows the warning signs. This makes people ignore manipulative and toxic behavior. There is a tendency to only focus on their partner's seemingly positive traits while being in denial about the toxic traits.

• Attraction to Toxic Partners: These individuals tend to be attracted to people with Dark Triad traits (as mentioned earlier). This leads to a repetition of harmful relationships.

• Impulsive and Risk Behavior: This can include unsafe sex and making a commitment to a relationship before knowing the other person well (e.g., getting married or moving in quickly).

• Relationship Imbalance: An example of this is saying "I love you" too quickly which puts pressure on the other person and creates a relationship imbalance and resentment.

• Emotional Volatility: This pattern usually involves quick, intense romantic involvement followed by instability or drama instead of deep sustainable love.

• Exploitation: Charismatic individuals with Dark Triad personality traits can easily exploit their partner's quick emotional investment for their own selfish gains. Individuals with Dark Triad traits often start relationships by love bombing their partner--not because they are so interested in their partner but because they want their partner to fall for them quickly so they can manipulate them.

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette is a composite of many different cases with all identifying information changed to protect confidentiality:

Beth

After the breakup of her fourth relationship, Beth sought help in therapy at the suggestion of her close friends. They told her that they saw recurring negative patterns in the men she chose (see my article: Do Your Friends See Red Flags in Your Partner That You Don't See?).

Falling In Love Too Hard and Too Fast

Beth wasn't sure she agreed with her friends, but she knew she needed help to understand why each time she got into a relationship, she thought she met her soulmate, but after a while her partner lies, cheats and leaves her for another women (see my article: Why Looking For a Soulmate Will Disappoint You).

She told her therapist that her last partner, Bill, pursued her relentlessly after they met at a party.  The day after they met, Bill sent her a beautiful bouquet of roses with an invitation to go to an exclusive restaurant.

From the moment she met Bill, Beth thought he was very handsome and charismatic. On their first date Bill told her that he couldn't stop thinking about her.

Beth felt like she was a princess in a fairy tale by their second date. In her imagination, she could see herself walking down the aisle to marry Bill. She pictured their beautiful home with two children.

Her close friends warned her that she was allowing herself to fall in love with love rather than taking the time to get to know Bill. They also warned her that Bill was love bombing her, but Beth ignored them because she liked the feeling of being swept off her feet.

On their fourth date, when Bill told her that the lease on his Manhattan apartment was about to expire, Beth saw this as a sign they were meant to be together and she told him he could move in with her.

Their first week of living together was like a dream come true for Beth. She was sure Bill loved her, so one night when she made a special dinner for them, she told Bill that she loved him.  Bill kissed her on the cheek, but Beth was disappointed he didn't tell her that he loved her too.

A few weeks later, Bill told her he was having dinner with a friend and she shouldn't wait up for him. When Beth asked him who he was having dinner with, Bill seemed annoyed and just repeated he would be home late.

When Beth woke up in the middle of the night and she realized Bill wasn't home yet, she became worried. She texted his phone, but her message wasn't delivered. Then she tried calling him, but her call went straight to voicemail.

When he walked in at 3 AM, Bill was startled to find Beth sitting on the couch waiting for him, "What are you doing, Beth? Why aren't you asleep?"

When she responded that she was worried because she couldn't reach him, Bill snapped at her. He said he didn't like her checking up on him and he refused to tell her who he was with and what he was doing.

After they had a big argument the next morning, Bill packed some pf his things and said he would be staying with a friend for a few days. Once again, he refused to give Beth any information.

When Beth called her friend Jane in a state of tears, Jane was quiet for a few seconds. Then, reluctantly, she told Beth she saw Bill kissing another woman at an outdoor restaurant.  Jane felt devastated.

During the next two weeks Beth felt like she was on an emotional roller coaster. When she tried to talk to Bill about the other woman, he refused to talk to her. He slept on Beth's couch, left early in the morning before she woke up and came back after she was asleep.

Then, one day Bill didn't come home at all. When Beth got home from work, she discovered that  all of his belongings were gone. He ignored her calls and texts for days. Then one day he sent her a short text that he was through with her and he told her not to contact him again.

Beth told her therapist that her prior relationships began and ended in similar ways and she couldn't understand why she had such "bad luck" in her relationships (see my article: Unhealthy Relationship: Bad Luck or Poor Choices?).

Her therapist provided Beth with psychoeducation about emophilia and helped Beth to see the connection between her relationship choices and her family history in a volatile family home with a depressed mother and narcissistic father who had extramarital affairs.

Her therapist talked to Beth about trauma therapy to work through her traumatic family history which she was unconsciously repeating in her relationships.

Beth worked through her traumatic history in trauma therapy with a combination of EMDR therapy and IFS Parts Work Therapy (see my article: Combining EMDR and IFS Therapies).

The work was neither quick nor easy but, over time, Beth could feel she was freeing herself from her family history (see my article: Progress in Therapy Isn't Linear).

She was no longer attracted to men who had Dark Triad traits and when she met someone with these traits, rather than being charmed by him, she ended her contact with him quickly.

She also took her time to get to know men she liked before she made a commitment to be in a relationship.

Conclusion

Emophilia isn't a psychiatric diagnosis. It's a personality trait characterized by a powerful drive to experience the thrill of falling in love without assessing a potential partner. 

These individuals tend to attract partners with Dark Triad traits because they fall in love with love and they are easy to manipulate by these type of partners.

Get Help in Therapy

If you recognize that you tend to fall in love too hard and too fast, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who has an expertise in this area.

Get Help in Therapy

A psychotherapist who has an expertise in trauma therapy can help you to become aware of your relationship patterns and overcome the underlying issues driving these unconscious patterns, 

Once you have worked through these issues, you can make better relationship choices and live a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

As a trauma therapist, I have over 25 years of experiencing individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

 

How to Cope With Parents Who Are Trying to Guilt Trip You As An Adult

Parents who try to guilt trip you into doing what they want are usually emotionally immature. Rather than trying to placate them, you need to find healthy ways of dealing with their behavior.

What is Guilt Tripping?

Guilt tripping is when someone tries to manipulate you to control your behavior.

Coping With Guilt Tripping Parents

Aside from wanting to control your behavior, guilt tripping violates your boundaries.

What Are the Signs of Guilt Tripping?

• They Become Passive Aggressive: Instead of being outwardly aggressive, they make passive aggressive or sarcastic comments like, "Well, I guess if you can't come over this Sunday, I'll have to spend the day alone" (passive aggressive) or "Oh sure, don't worry about me, but I won't be around forever" (see my article: Coping With Family Members' Passive Aggressive Comments).

• They Try to Gaslight You: They might try to twist your words or distort the truth to make you question your intentions and behavior, "I don't know why you would rather be with your friends than come here to visit your father and me. Your friends won't always be there for you like we have been" or "You're the reason why your dad and I are unhappy."

• They Give You the Silent Treatment and Become Emotionally Distant: They stop communicating with you and ignore your calls, email and text. This is a form of emotional abuse to punish, gain power over and manipulate.

Coping With Guilt Tripping Parents

• They Remind You About Your Past Mistakes: This is another form of manipulation to try to make you feel like you owe them something. For example: "You're going out with your boyfriend instead of coming to see me? You always make bad relationship choices. Remember, I was who was there for you when you were hurt and upset about your last relationship."

• They Make Negative Comparisons: They might compare you to a sibling, another family member or a friend, "Your sister always comes over every Sunday, but you only come every two weeks."

• They Try to Make You Think It's All Your Fault: They won't take responsibility for their own actions. Instead, they blame you, "Your mother and I have tried to do everything to improve our relationship with you, but you just do things to make it worse."

How to Cope With Parents Who Are Trying to Guilt Trip You

Understand the impact guilt Tripping is having on you: Some people are very good at guilt tripping until they get you to feel the way they want you to feel and do what they want you to do.

Signs Your Parents Guilt Tripping is Affecting You

Recognize the signs that you're being affected by your parents' guilt tripping:

• You Feel Obligated to Them: You feel like you "owe" your parents--even when you know their demands are unreasonable.

Coping With Guilt Tripping Parents

• You Over-justify Your Actions: You keep defending or explaining your actions to your parents.

• You Feel Like Nothing You Do is Good Enough For Your Parents: You might feel like no matter how hard you try, nothing you do is ever good enough for your parents and you'll never be able to please them.

How to Cope With Parents Who Are Trying to Guilt Trip You

• Shift Your Perspective and Be Aware That You're Not Responsible For Your Parents' Feelings: If you're not actively trying to hurt your parents, you're not responsible if they feel hurt or angry that you're not doing what they want you to do. For instance, if you already have plans with a friend and your parents want you to come over on the same day, you have a right to stick with your plans and not try to appease your parents because they tell you you're making them feel hurt. 

• Set Clear Boundaries With Your Parents: Although it can be challenging, you might need to set boundaries with your parents. Let them know what is and isn't acceptable (see my article: Setting Boundaries With Family Members).

Coping With Guilt Tripping Parents

• Prioritize Your Needs: If your parents have been successful at guilt tripping you, you might feel like your needs are insignificant compared to theirs. Be aware you're doing this and make an agreement with yourself to prioritize your own needs.

• Validate Their Feelings: If you detect they have underlying feelings that they're not expressing, validate their feelings. For example, if they try to make you feel guilty about not coming to see them and you detect that their underlying feeling is that they miss you and want to spend time with you, validate that. At the same time, don't give up on your plans to appease them. Instead, you can suggest another day when you can get together with them (if you want to spend time with them).

Coping With Guilt Tripping Parents

• Get Emotional Support From Supportive Friends: Talk to trusted friends who will be emotionally supportive. If you feel apprehensive about talking with your parents and setting boundaries with them, you can "bookend" that conversation by talking to a trusted friend before and after your conversation with your parents. You might even arrange to have these bookended conversation with your friends in advance. 

Get Help in Therapy

The impact of guilt tripping can be traumatic.

Get Help in Therapy

Among other things, lifelong guilt tripping can make you susceptible to getting into a relationship with a partner who also tries to manipulate you with guilt and you might not even be aware of it because it seems "normal" to you.

A skilled mental health professional, who is a trauma specialist, can help you to heal from trauma so you can live a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Parts Work Therapist (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

As a Trauma Therapist, one of my specialties is helping clients to overcome trauma.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

What is Psychological Manipulation?

Psychological manipulation or gaslighting involves someone else controlling your thoughts, emotions or behavior (see my article: What Are 7 Signs You're Being Gaslighted?).

What is Psychological Manipulation?

The primary goal of psychological manipulation is control.

The manipulation can be subtle or it can be more overt. 

In addition, the person doing the manipulation might or might not be aware they're manipulating.

Manipulation can start out relatively small and build up over time, which makes it difficult for you to realize you're being manipulated.

Sometimes people who are outside of this dynamic can detect the manipulation more easily than you can. 

You might not want to believe that someone close to you is trying to manipulate you so you might second guess yourself about what's going on.

Why is Psychological Manipulation So Damaging?

As mentioned above, you might not recognize you're being manipulated which can cause you to be in denial about it.

What is Psychological Manipulation?

In addition, over time, you might lose trust in your own thoughts, feelings and behavior and, instead, you rely solely on the person who is manipulating you. This means you're giving up your power to the person manipulating you.

    

See my articles: 

Are You Giving Up Your Power to Someone Who Doesn't Treat You Well? 

Taking Back Your Power

What Are the Signs You're Being Manipulated in a Relationship?

The following list includes some of the most common signs that you're being manipulated.

Your partner might exhibit some of these signs and not others:

• They Blame You for Their Actions: They don't take responsibility for the things they do. Instead, they blame you. If they lose their temper, go out and binge drink or engage in other destructive behavior, they blame you. From their  perspective, you made them do it.

• They Try to Convince You That You're Wrong: They make excuses for their behavior. They might try to twist what happened to get you to appear as if you're the one who is wrong and they're right. They also tend to be relentless in getting you to take the blame for whatever happened and they don't stop until you say you were wrong.

• They Put Words in Your Mouth and Distort What You Say: People who are highly skilled at manipulation know how to turn your words against you until you're convinced of what they're saying. However, what they're doing is distorting your words through trickery so they can have the upper hand in the situation. And, if you don't realize this, you might allow your partner to do this and then you doubt yourself.

• They Blame You If You Don't Trust Them: If you don't go along with their manipulation, they tend to portray themselves as being trustworthy (when they're not) and blame you for not trusting them--even if, objectively, they have shown themselves to be untrustworthy many times.

What is Psychological Manipulation?

• They Keep Secrets: Whether their secrets are big or small, they tend to keep secrets from you. The secrets might involve where they are, who they're with or what they're doing. Even when you find out about their secrets and it makes no sense to you why they're keeping this secret, the problem isn't necessarily about the particular secret--it's about the fact that they're withholding information from you as a way to have the upper hand. In addition, if they find out you didn't tell them something that you weren't necessarily keeping a secret (e.g., going to the mall with a friend), they can get upset that there's something you're doing--no matter how innocent--that they don't know about because it means they're not in control of this aspect of your life. So, there's a double standard here about what they feel is okay for them and what they feel is okay for you.

• They Don't Like You to Have Privacy: This is similar to keeping secrets. Even if you've given them no reason to mistrust you, they want to know everything that's going on with you--who you saw, who you spoke to, where you went, when you went and so on. They might also want to check your phone, email and texts so you don't have any privacy because when you have privacy, they can't control that part of your life which makes them feel uncomfortable. But when it comes to their privacy, they insist on it. Once again, this is about control and it's another double standard (see my article: What's the Difference Between Privacy and Secrecy?).

• They Try to Make You Feel Guilty: They can try to make you feel guilty in a number of different ways. For instance, if you made a mistake, they might keep bringing it up as a way to make you feel guilty and bad about yourself. They might keep bringing up your mistakes long after they occurred. This is another way they try to control you.

• They Use Passive Aggressive Tactics: When they're angry with you, instead of talking about it directly, they act out in ways they know would annoy you to get back at you. Then, they might deny they were behaving in a passive aggressive way out of spite.

• They Use Your Trust Against You: They might offer to help you in your time of need. Then, when you trust them and accept their help, they put you down for needing and accepting their help. They try to make you feel like you're "weak" for needing their help--even if they offered to help.

• They Don't Like You to See Friends and Family: People who are highly manipulative know that if you have loved ones in your life, generally speaking, you're less likely to allow yourself to be manipulated because you'll be getting feedback from others about your partner's behavior, which your partner won't like. They want to be the only ones who influence and control you so your loved ones are threatening to your partner.

• They Start Arguments About Little Things: Even if you want to be easygoing and agreeable, a partner who wants to manipulate you might start a small fight with you as a way to get you to give in to them. Their strategy is to control you.

• They Blame You For Other People's Actions: In addition to blaming you about their actions, they might blame you for other people's actions. For instance, if someone at a party flirts with you and, objectively, you didn't encourage this behavior, instead of blaming the other person for flirting, your partner finds a way to blame you. They might say you encouraged the flirting by what you wore to the party or how you spoke or anything else. This type of behavior often gets confused with jealousy, but it's really about manipulation.

• They Talk Down to You and Belittle You: They speak to you in a condescending way. This is a form of emotional abuse. They want you to feel inferior to them or that you wouldn't be able to survive without them (see my article: Belittling Behavior in Relationships).

• They Behave in a Self Centered Way: They make the relationship center around them. If you need their emotional support, they invalidate your feelings. They might point out that either they have it much harder than you do and tell you that you have no right to your feelings. This is a form of narcissism and emotional abuse (see my article: Narcissism: An Emotional Seesaw Between Grandiosity and Shame).

There are many other ways that a partner can manipulate, but the ones mentioned above are some of the most common ones. And, as previously mentioned, your partner doesn't have to exhibit all of these signs in order to be manipulative.

This article focused on psychological manipulation between two partners in a relationship, but this form of manipulation can occur between any two or more people.

Get Help in Therapy

Psychological manipulation is damaging to your self esteem and your sense of self. 

Get Help in Therapy

Over time, you might feel so disempowered that, even when you realize you're being manipulated, you continue to give away your power to your partner because you have become increasingly emotionally dependent upon them.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who has experience helping clients to overcome this problem.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist

With over 20 years of experience, I work with individual adults and couples (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Dating and Relationships: How to Stop Being His or Her Backup Plan (AKA: A Second Choice)

If you have ever used dating apps to meet people, you know you can meet many different people before you meet someone you really like.

Unfortunately, feelings aren't always mutual. 

How to Stop Being His or Her Backup Plan

You might be interested in someone who really wants to be with someone else and vice versa.  

This isn't unusual. But if you find that your pattern is to see people who make you their "backup plan," you might want to rethink your dating patterns.

What is a Backup Plan in Dating and Relationships?

A backup plan is considered a second choice.  It happens when someone really wants to be with someone else but, for whatever reason, they can't be, so they choose someone who is their second choice.

Another possible scenario is that the person you like doesn't have someone in particular in mind, but they're keeping you around as a placeholder until they meet the person they want to be with.

If you want to get into a serious relationship, you don't want to be anyone's backup plan or placeholder while they're waiting for someone else.

What Are the Signs That You Might Be Someone's Backup Plan?

• It's Difficult to Get Their Attention: If someone shows little interest in you when you first start dating, they might not see you as #1 because they're hoping to be with someone else. Maybe the one they want to be with is in another relationship and the person you're dating is hoping they will become available. Or, they're seeing you "for now" until someone else they consider "better" comes along.  Along the way, they might string you along by breadcrumbing you with just enough attention to keep you simmering on the backburner (see my article: A Vignette About Breadcrumbing).

How to Stop Being His or Her Backup Plan

• You Initiate Most of the Contact and Any Effort to Move the Relationship Forward: Maybe they text you sporadically and their texts are superficial and vague.  Even though they say they want to see you, it's hard to pin them down to specific plans. They might make vague references to being busy, but you don't really know what's going on in their life. They're making little or no effort to move the relationship along and any efforts to do so are made by you. Not only is this disheartening, but it could also be a sign you're not a priority.

• They Cancel Plans a Lot: Even when they make plans with you, they tend to cancel a lot. Once again, their explanations are vague ("I'm too busy" or "Something came up"). This could be a sign that the person they really want to be with has become available and they prefer to spend time with that person. Whatever the reason for their frequent cancellations, you sense you're not a priority for them.

• They See You at Their Convenience: When you do see each other, it's at their convenience. It might be a last minute plan as if it's an afterthought on their part. They don't take your schedule into consideration and, if you can't make it, they don't seem disappointed. This can be another sign that you're not a priority to them.

How to Stop Being His or Her Backup Plan

• They Don't Like Labels: When you try to discuss where things stand between you, you're told that they don't like labels. They might tell you something like, "Why do we have to put a label on this?" or "Why don't we just see where this goes?" But deep down you sense it's not going anywhere because they're stringing you along.

• You Walk on Eggshells Because You're Worried They'll Leave You if You Call Them Out on Their Behavior: You can see clearly that you're not a priority to them, but you're afraid to point this out because you're worried they'll stop seeing you. You keep hoping you'll become their priority, but it's not happening and you're compromising your sense of self worth.

• You've Been Dating For a While, But You Haven't Met Their Friends or Family: If you have been dating them for a while and you haven't met their friends or family, this could be a sign you're their backup plan. They might not want to introduce you to friends or family because they're waiting for someone else to come along.

How to Stop Being Their Backup Plan

• Develop Self Awareness: Although it might be painful to admit to yourself that you're not a priority to the person who is a priority to you, you owe it to yourself to become aware of the telltale signs that you're someone's backup plan. If you're not sure, talk it over with a trusted friend who can be more objective than you.

• Ask Yourself Why You're Putting Up With Their Behavior: It's one thing for them to treat you like you're not a priority and it's another thing for you to allow it. Is your willingness to put up with this behavior related to your family history or a history of unhealthy relationships? Are you afraid you won't meet anyone else if you leave this relationship? This can be a hard step to take, but it's essential for you to be honest with yourself if you want to stop being treated like you're not important. 

• Call Out Their Behavior: If you're in a situation where they're doing the least they can do just to keep stringing you along, you need to call out this manipulative behavior. If you hesitate because you're afraid you might lose them, ask yourself, "What would I really be losing?"

• Reflect on Your Choices: If you find yourself in this type of situation over and over again, you're probably repeating an unconscious pattern (see my article: Falling in Love With "Mr. Wrong" Over and Over Again).

• Respect Yourself and Your Own Needs: If you're okay with a casual relationship where you get together once in a while, you might not be bothered by being someone's second choice. But if you want to be in a serious relationship, you need to acknowledge and respect your own needs. Make it clear that you're not going to wait around for them and if they continue to treat you like a second choice, move on.

Get Help in Therapy

• Get Help in Therapy: Although you might realize you're repeating certain patterns, you might not know how to change these patterns on your own. A licensed mental health professional can help you to identify the patterns and, more importantly, help you to change them so you don't keep repeating them.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Are You in a Relationship With Someone Who Has a Dark Triad Personality?

If your relationship started out well but now you're seeing toxic personality traits in your partner, you might be in a relationship with someone who has a Dark Triad Personality.

The Dark Triad Personality

The Dark Triad psychological theory was originally proposed in 2002 by researchers Kevin Williams and Delroy Paulus who identified three malevolent personality traits:

• Narcissism

• Psychopathy

• Machiavellianism

Any one of these traits would be difficult in a relationship, but the combination of all three traits in the Dark Triad Personality make them especially challenging.

So, let's look at each one separately:

• Narcissism:
• A need for admiration and attention
• A sense of entitlement
• Arrogance
• A lack of empathy for others
• Manipulation and exploitation of others for their own gain
• Feeling like they're the "victim" when they are the ones who victimize others
• Criticizing others
• Envying others or believing others envy them
• Expecting special treatment

• Psychopathy: There are two types of psychopathy: Primary psychopathy and secondary psychopathy (psychopathy should not be confused with psychosis).

• Primary Psychopathy:
• Cold
• Callus
• Manipulative
• Often successful
• No remorse or guilt for the negative impact they have on others

• Secondary Psychopathy:
• Impulsive risk taker with bad results
• Usually unsuccessful

• Machiavellianism: 
• Cunning
• Deceitful
• Acting only in their own self interest
• Lacking empathy for others

How Do You Know If You're With Someone Who Has a Dark Triad Personality?

People who have a Dark Triad personality are very good at masking their negative qualities so you don't see it at first.  They often use their charm to disarm people until they get what they want.

Both men and women can have a Dark Triad Personality.  

A typical example is the man who is a "player" or "F-Boy" (see my articles: Understanding the Underlying Emotional Dynamics of Players - Part 1 and Part 2).

The combination of the following characteristics might indicate you're with someone who has a Dark Triad Personality:

• They're Usually Successful:  Assuming they have primary psychopathy, they usually know how to succeed by selfishly putting their own interests first--often at the expense of others. In addition to whatever skills and talent they might possess, they know how to use charisma (and possibly good looks) to manipulate the right people who can help them to get ahead.  Then, they often discard those people because they're no longer useful to them. It's not unusual for them to engage in unethical or illegal behavior once they have succeeded.  

• They Often Have Problems With Anger Management: They might not explode in front of their boss because that could ruin their chance for success, but they might unleash their rage and impulsivity at you behind closed doors. 

• They Have a Hard Time Maintaining a Long Term Relationship: They usually have a string of brief relationships.  They might be in a relationship for a few years or more if they find partners with low self esteem who are willing to put up with their bad behavior (e.g., cheating, lying and so on).  Also, when they're in a relationship, they have no sense of shame or guilt about lying and cheating (see my article: What Are the 12 Telltale Signs You're With a Womanizer).

• They're Cold Towards Others: While they're trying to get what they want, whether it's a sexual conquest or a job promotion, they know how to manipulate by appearing as if they're kind, friendly and agreeable, but this is only a means to an end. Once they've gotten what they want, they're cold and unfeeling.

• They Engage in Impulsive and Risky Behavior: For people with primary psychopathy, the risky and impulsive behavior often pays off because they usually have good instincts--but this is not the case for people with secondary psychopathy.  People with secondary psychopathy often take big risks and get small or no rewards.

• They Don't Have Morals, Ethics and Empathy: People with a Dark Triad Personality will lie, cheat and manipulate to get what they want and not think about the impact on others because they don't care. They're lacking in morals, ethics and empathy. They only care to the extent that it might get in the way of what they want.

• They Bully Others: They might engage in verbal, emotional or physical abuse to get what they want. Their objective is to gain power over others.

Next Article: In my next article, I'll give tips on how to handle a Dark Triad personality.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

                

• 
  

• 
  

Understanding Unintentional Gaslighting in a Relationship

The focus of this article is unintentional gaslighting in a relationship, which is different from intentional gaslighting.

If you haven't read my prior articles about intentional gaslighting, I suggest you read those articles first to understand the basic concepts of gaslighting (see my articles: Are You Being Gaslighted? and What Are the 7 Stages of Gaslighting in a Relationship?).

Unintentional Gaslight in a Relationship

Intentional gaslighting is a form of malicious manipulation which is emotionally and psychologically abusive.  The goal of the gaslighter is to undermine the gaslightee's self confidence and make them feel insecure and anxious so they're easier to manipulate.

Understanding Unintentional Gaslight

Before delving into unintentional gaslighting, I want to emphasize that even when gaslighting is unintentional, it's still gaslighting and the gaslighter is still attempting to manipulate and gain control in the relationship--even if it's unconscious and they're unaware of it.  

The destructive consequences of gaslighting, whether intentional or not, are usually the same for the person being gaslighted.  

If the gaslighter is successful in gaslighting, the gaslightee's thoughts, feelings, beliefs and perceptions are invalidated by the gaslighter (see my article: How to Develop and Use Emotional Validation in a Relationship).

Examples of Unintentional Gaslighting

The following list are just a few examples of unintentional and often unconscious gaslighting:

• Telling the gaslightee the problems are all in their mind when it's clearly not

• Responding to the gaslightee who says they are hurt by the gaslighting by saying the gaslightee really doesn't feel that way

• Telling the gaslightee their situation isn't so bad or other people have it worse

• Telling the gaslightee they're too sensitive

• Telling the gaslightee they overthink things

• Telling the gaslightee they're wrong to think or feel a certain way

• Making excuses for their behavior. For instance, if gaslighter is caught in a lie, they tell the gaslightee that they lied to spare their feelings (see my article: Lies of Omission)

• Telling the gaslightee they're being too negative

• Giving the gaslightee the silent treatment, also known as stonewalling (see my article: Improving Communication in Your Relationship By Eliminating the 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse)

Why Do People Unintentionally Gaslight?

Many unintentional gaslighters learned this behavior without even realizing it when they were growing up in dysfunctional families where they were criticized, abused or neglected and gaslighted as young children.  In those cases, unintentional gaslighting is an unconscious learned behavior.

The unconscious intention of gaslighting might be to feel in control, especially for people who grew up feeling they weren't in control.  

In addition, it's often a way to avoid being held accountable for their behavior, especially if they were traumatized for their behavior as young children in their family of origin.  

Gaslighters will often go to great lengths to avoid feeling bad the way they felt as children, and since they learned that being in control and dominating is one way to avoid those feelings, they want to dominate and control others and they fear being dominated and controlled by others.

Unintentional gaslighting often occurs with people who have an avoidant attachment style, especially when they're in a relationship where their partner wants to be more emotionally intimate with them and this makes them feel uncomfortable and too emotionally vulnerable.  

This situation is exacerbated if the partner has an anxious attachment style and worries about being abandoned by the other partner (see my article: How Your Attachment Style Affects Your Relationship).

Part of unintentional gaslighter's maladaptive coping strategy can include dismissing their partner's need for emotional intimacy by calling the partner "needy" or criticizing them in some other way to ward off their own emotional discomfort and fear of emotional intimacy.

A Clinical Vignette About Unintentional Gaslighting in a Relationship

Since it's often hard to believe that gaslighting can be unintentional and based on unconscious learned behavior, the following clinical vignette, which is a fictionalized scenario based on many different cases, can help to demonstrate these dynamics and show how therapy can help:

Mike

Mike and Deb met when they were in their early 30s.  

After the initial stage of infatuation between Mike and Deb, Mike became increasingly uncomfortable with the emotional intimacy in their relationship as time went on.

Six months into their relationship, Mike felt Deb was encroaching too much on his personal time.  He was comfortable seeing her once a week, but she wanted to see him at least twice a week (see my article: Learning to Negotiate Time Apart and Time Together in a Relationship).

Every time Deb asked to see him a second day during the week, she was confronted with a barrage of criticism from Mike.  He told her she was "too needy" and she was "wrong" for wanting more time than he felt comfortable spending with her.

When Deb told Mike that hearing him call her too needy and wrong was hurtful, she was even more hurt to hear him say that she was being too sensitive and she just needed to "just get over it."

After one of their arguments about how much time they spent together, Mike told Deb that he couldn't see her because he wasn't feeling well.  Then he went out with his friends to a baseball game and didn't tell her.

During the game, Deb's friend, Tia, spotted Mike without his realizing it.  After Tia told Deb she saw Mike at the game, Deb realized that Mike lied to her and she was deeply hurt.  

When she confronted Mike about the lie, he didn't deny it, but he said he lied to her because he didn't want to hurt her feelings by telling her he wanted to go the game instead of seeing her.  No matter what Deb said about it, Mike still felt justified in lying to Deb and he wouldn't take responsibility for it.

Due to Mike's gaslighting, Deb was beginning to feel she was either exaggerating or imagining things, so she spoke with a close friend, who explained gaslighting to Deb and told her that it's a real dynamic and Mike was using gaslighting with Deb.

A year into the relationship, Deb continued to feel gaslighted by Mike and she told him that unless he got help in therapy, she would leave him.  

Unintentional Gaslighting in a Relationship

At first, Mike was shocked.  No one had ever given him an ultimatum like this before.  His first inclination was to dismiss Deb's feelings, but he kept this to himself.  He really loved Deb and he wanted their relationship to work out, so he sought help in therapy.

During the initial stage of therapy, Mike told his therapist he didn't think he had a problem, but he was willing to give therapy a try to save his relationship.

His therapist learned from Mike that he was considered the "black sheep" in the family.  He was the youngest of five children in a family of high achievers.  

Both of his parents were successful in their careers and his siblings excelled in school and in their respective careers. Since he didn't do well in school, he became the family scapegoat (see my article: Children's Roles in Dysfunctional Families).

Mike got poor grades. He had problems with reading, reading comprehension and following basic instructions from the teacher.

When the guidance counselor contacted Mike's parents and asked if they would consent to having the school psychologist evaluate Mike, they responded with anger, defensiveness and indignity.  They felt the guidance counselor was blaming them for Mike's poor academic performance.  Mike's mother told the guidance counselor that Mike just needed to  "stop being lazy" and"try harder."  She refused to give permission for an evaluation and the school dropped the matter.

After Mike's parents got the call from school, they were even harsher than usual with Mike. They criticized him more and blamed him for not doing well in school.

When Mike got to high school, he was barely keeping up with the work.  He felt deeply ashamed of his academic performance and his shame also interfered with making friends at school.  

He felt like a complete failure and told his parents he was depressed.  Both parents brushed this off and told him that he had nothing to be depressed about.  They said all of his needs were being taken of, he should be grateful for this, and other children had it much worse than he did.

By the time he was 16, Mike told his parents that he felt so despondent and ashamed that he felt the only way out for him was to commit suicide.  His mother and father were so shaken up by this that they asked the school to evaluate him.  

The school evaluation revealed that Mike had significant learning disabilities which were never addressed and this was why he was having problems in school.  They developed an Individual Education Program (IEP) for him where he would get the academic help he needed.  They also diagnosed depression and assigned him to the school psychologist.

With the IEP, Mike's grades improved. He also began to feel more confident making friends and dating.  However, he didn't feel comfortable talking about his situation at home with the school psychologist so, even though he no longer felt suicidal, he continued to be the family scapegoat and he continued to feel depressed.

In his current therapy, Mike's therapist assessed that he was engaging in unintentional gaslighting in his relationship with Deb because he learned this behavior as a child.  In other words, this was how his parents treated him as a child, so the unintentional gaslighting was learned behavior and unconscious on his part. 

She also explained to Mike how he was traumatized by what happened to him as a child at home and at school.

Over time, Mike became more aware of his propensity to gaslight Deb. With practice, he was able to catch himself more often whenever he felt like dismissing or invalidating her feelings or her perspective.  At first, he didn't catch himself all the time, but he got better at it.

He and his therapist also did trauma therapy to help him overcome the underlying issues involved with his early childhood problems.  The work was neither quick nor easy, but Mike remained open to working on his childhood trauma and understanding how it affected his relationship with Deb (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

With Mike's consent, he and Deb had a couple of sessions together with his therapist so Deb could understand the issues involved and the trauma work Mike was doing in therapy.

Unintentional Gaslighting Can Get Worked Through

Two years later, Mike was able to overcome his childhood trauma and he no longer engaged in gaslighting Deb.  He was able to be more emotionally vulnerable with Deb and they eventually moved in together.  

Conclusion

There are two types of gaslighting: intentional and unintentional gaslighting.  

This article focused on unintentional gaslighting, the unconscious underlying issues, how it can manifest in relationships and how trauma therapy can help.

Without help in therapy, unintentional gaslighting often doesn't change.  But the good news is that if someone is willing to get help and do the work in therapy, they can free themselves of their traumatic history so they can have a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.