Relationships: Jealousy Isn't Love

Jealousy is a common emotion experienced in varying degrees in most romantic relationships (see my article: Overcoming Jealousy That's Ruining Your Relationship).

What is Jealousy?

Feeling jealous is often a signal of perceived danger to the relationship. 

Jealousy usually involves a fear of losing a partner to a rival. 

Jealousy Isn't Love

A little bit of jealousy can be a signal that you and your partner need to talk about insecurity and unmet needs. 

Communication between you and your partner about what makes each of you jealous or uncomfortable can help you to make positive changes in your relationship.

Why Do People Confuse Jealousy and Love?

People confuse jealousy and love because jealousy tends to: 

• Signal a deep emotional investment
• A fear of losing someone who is important 
• A perceived threat to a valued bond

Jealousy is often romanticized as proof of devotion, but this is incorrect because jealousy isn't love.

What Can Trigger a Jealous Reaction?

Almost anything can trigger a jealous reaction. It depends on the person.

Examples might include:

• Spending time with friends
• Talking to an attractive person at a party
• Going to lunch with a coworker
• Talking about a former romantic partner which is called retroactive jealousy

How is Jealousy Different From Envy?

People often confuse jealousy and envy.

Whereas jealousy is losing someone or something to a third party, envy is wanting something that someone else has.

When Does Jealousy Become Unhealthy?

A fleeting pang of jealousy which leads to you and your partner talking about the relationship in a calm and thoughtful way can be a good thing and can bring you closer.  

This is different from excessive jealousy.

Jealousy Isn't Love

Excessive jealousy can lead to:

• Obsessive thoughts and an inability to let go of fears, which leads to constant worry

• Controlling behavior like dictating who a partner can see or where a partner can go, dictating what a partner can wear, forbidding certain activities and so on

• Constant unwarranted suspicion with unfounded accusations and excessive questioning

• Possessive or accusatory reactions

• Invading privacy such as checking a partner's phone and demanding constant updates, which can erode a relationship

• Psychological manipulation using guilt or self pity

• Isolation such as trying to isolate a partner from friends and family

Overcoming Excessive Jealousy

• Self Reflection: If you're the partner who is excessively jealous, reflect on your behavior and identify your insecurities. Recognize that you have a problem and work on building your self esteem and confidence.               

Jealousy Isn't Love

• Personal Safety: If you're the partner who is experiencing excessive jealousy from your partner, consider your personal safety first. If your partner is threatening you, you need to confide in at least one trusted loved one and remove yourself from harm.

• Communication: Assuming you can both remain calm, speak openly with your partner about your feelings without blame.

Get Help in Therapy

• Seek Help: Seek help in individual therapy or couples therapy to work out issues around jealousy.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have worked with individual adults and couples for over 25 years.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles:

Recognizing When You Feel Safe or Unsafe in Your Relationships

Irrational Jealousy and Mate Guarding in Relationships

How Do You Know If You're in an Unhealthy Relationship?

Obsessive Jealousy

Overcoming Jealousy

The Problem With Emophilia: Falling In Love Too Hard and Too Fast

Emophilia means falling in love too hard and too fast (see my article: Falling In Love With the Fantasy Rather Than the Reality).

Falling In Love Too Hard and Too Fast

People with emophilia prioritize the exhilarating feeling of falling in love over the practical evaluation of a partner which often sabotages long term relationship success.

What Are the Problems With Emophilia?

The problem with emophilia is that it can lead to:

• Risky behavior
• Poor relationship choices
• Potential exploitation by a partner
• Heartbreak

People who have problems with emophilia often overlook red flags because they rush into relationships without knowing the other person. 

This also puts them at risk for getting involved with partners who have Dark Triad personality traits including:

• Narcissism
• Machiavellianism 
• Psychopathy

The impulsivity of emophilia results in unhealthy patterns, power imbalances and repeated cycles of intense highs followed by heartbreak as opposed to a stable, healthy connection.

Emophilia often overlaps with an anxious attachment style because these people seek intense attachments to feel whole or avoid rejection. 

Key Issues of Emophilia:

• Ignoring Red Flags: The intense rush of feelings overshadows the warning signs. This makes people ignore manipulative and toxic behavior. There is a tendency to only focus on their partner's seemingly positive traits while being in denial about the toxic traits.

• Attraction to Toxic Partners: These individuals tend to be attracted to people with Dark Triad traits (as mentioned earlier). This leads to a repetition of harmful relationships.

• Impulsive and Risk Behavior: This can include unsafe sex and making a commitment to a relationship before knowing the other person well (e.g., getting married or moving in quickly).

• Relationship Imbalance: An example of this is saying "I love you" too quickly which puts pressure on the other person and creates a relationship imbalance and resentment.

• Emotional Volatility: This pattern usually involves quick, intense romantic involvement followed by instability or drama instead of deep sustainable love.

• Exploitation: Charismatic individuals with Dark Triad personality traits can easily exploit their partner's quick emotional investment for their own selfish gains. Individuals with Dark Triad traits often start relationships by love bombing their partner--not because they are so interested in their partner but because they want their partner to fall for them quickly so they can manipulate them.

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette is a composite of many different cases with all identifying information changed to protect confidentiality:

Beth

After the breakup of her fourth relationship, Beth sought help in therapy at the suggestion of her close friends. They told her that they saw recurring negative patterns in the men she chose (see my article: Do Your Friends See Red Flags in Your Partner That You Don't See?).

Falling In Love Too Hard and Too Fast

Beth wasn't sure she agreed with her friends, but she knew she needed help to understand why each time she got into a relationship, she thought she met her soulmate, but after a while her partner lies, cheats and leaves her for another women (see my article: Why Looking For a Soulmate Will Disappoint You).

She told her therapist that her last partner, Bill, pursued her relentlessly after they met at a party.  The day after they met, Bill sent her a beautiful bouquet of roses with an invitation to go to an exclusive restaurant.

From the moment she met Bill, Beth thought he was very handsome and charismatic. On their first date Bill told her that he couldn't stop thinking about her.

Beth felt like she was a princess in a fairy tale by their second date. In her imagination, she could see herself walking down the aisle to marry Bill. She pictured their beautiful home with two children.

Her close friends warned her that she was allowing herself to fall in love with love rather than taking the time to get to know Bill. They also warned her that Bill was love bombing her, but Beth ignored them because she liked the feeling of being swept off her feet.

On their fourth date, when Bill told her that the lease on his Manhattan apartment was about to expire, Beth saw this as a sign they were meant to be together and she told him he could move in with her.

Their first week of living together was like a dream come true for Beth. She was sure Bill loved her, so one night when she made a special dinner for them, she told Bill that she loved him.  Bill kissed her on the cheek, but Beth was disappointed he didn't tell her that he loved her too.

A few weeks later, Bill told her he was having dinner with a friend and she shouldn't wait up for him. When Beth asked him who he was having dinner with, Bill seemed annoyed and just repeated he would be home late.

When Beth woke up in the middle of the night and she realized Bill wasn't home yet, she became worried. She texted his phone, but her message wasn't delivered. Then she tried calling him, but her call went straight to voicemail.

When he walked in at 3 AM, Bill was startled to find Beth sitting on the couch waiting for him, "What are you doing, Beth? Why aren't you asleep?"

When she responded that she was worried because she couldn't reach him, Bill snapped at her. He said he didn't like her checking up on him and he refused to tell her who he was with and what he was doing.

After they had a big argument the next morning, Bill packed some pf his things and said he would be staying with a friend for a few days. Once again, he refused to give Beth any information.

When Beth called her friend Jane in a state of tears, Jane was quiet for a few seconds. Then, reluctantly, she told Beth she saw Bill kissing another woman at an outdoor restaurant.  Jane felt devastated.

During the next two weeks Beth felt like she was on an emotional roller coaster. When she tried to talk to Bill about the other woman, he refused to talk to her. He slept on Beth's couch, left early in the morning before she woke up and came back after she was asleep.

Then, one day Bill didn't come home at all. When Beth got home from work, she discovered that  all of his belongings were gone. He ignored her calls and texts for days. Then one day he sent her a short text that he was through with her and he told her not to contact him again.

Beth told her therapist that her prior relationships began and ended in similar ways and she couldn't understand why she had such "bad luck" in her relationships (see my article: Unhealthy Relationship: Bad Luck or Poor Choices?).

Her therapist provided Beth with psychoeducation about emophilia and helped Beth to see the connection between her relationship choices and her family history in a volatile family home with a depressed mother and narcissistic father who had extramarital affairs.

Her therapist talked to Beth about trauma therapy to work through her traumatic family history which she was unconsciously repeating in her relationships.

Beth worked through her traumatic history in trauma therapy with a combination of EMDR therapy and IFS Parts Work Therapy (see my article: Combining EMDR and IFS Therapies).

The work was neither quick nor easy but, over time, Beth could feel she was freeing herself from her family history (see my article: Progress in Therapy Isn't Linear).

She was no longer attracted to men who had Dark Triad traits and when she met someone with these traits, rather than being charmed by him, she ended her contact with him quickly.

She also took her time to get to know men she liked before she made a commitment to be in a relationship.

Conclusion

Emophilia isn't a psychiatric diagnosis. It's a personality trait characterized by a powerful drive to experience the thrill of falling in love without assessing a potential partner. 

These individuals tend to attract partners with Dark Triad traits because they fall in love with love and they are easy to manipulate by these type of partners.

Get Help in Therapy

If you recognize that you tend to fall in love too hard and too fast, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who has an expertise in this area.

Get Help in Therapy

A psychotherapist who has an expertise in trauma therapy can help you to become aware of your relationship patterns and overcome the underlying issues driving these unconscious patterns, 

Once you have worked through these issues, you can make better relationship choices and live a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

As a trauma therapist, I have over 25 years of experiencing individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

 

How to Cope With Parents Who Are Trying to Guilt Trip You As An Adult

Parents who try to guilt trip you into doing what they want are usually emotionally immature. Rather than trying to placate them, you need to find healthy ways of dealing with their behavior.

What is Guilt Tripping?

Guilt tripping is when someone tries to manipulate you to control your behavior.

Coping With Guilt Tripping Parents

Aside from wanting to control your behavior, guilt tripping violates your boundaries.

What Are the Signs of Guilt Tripping?

• They Become Passive Aggressive: Instead of being outwardly aggressive, they make passive aggressive or sarcastic comments like, "Well, I guess if you can't come over this Sunday, I'll have to spend the day alone" (passive aggressive) or "Oh sure, don't worry about me, but I won't be around forever" (see my article: Coping With Family Members' Passive Aggressive Comments).

• They Try to Gaslight You: They might try to twist your words or distort the truth to make you question your intentions and behavior, "I don't know why you would rather be with your friends than come here to visit your father and me. Your friends won't always be there for you like we have been" or "You're the reason why your dad and I are unhappy."

• They Give You the Silent Treatment and Become Emotionally Distant: They stop communicating with you and ignore your calls, email and text. This is a form of emotional abuse to punish, gain power over and manipulate.

Coping With Guilt Tripping Parents

• They Remind You About Your Past Mistakes: This is another form of manipulation to try to make you feel like you owe them something. For example: "You're going out with your boyfriend instead of coming to see me? You always make bad relationship choices. Remember, I was who was there for you when you were hurt and upset about your last relationship."

• They Make Negative Comparisons: They might compare you to a sibling, another family member or a friend, "Your sister always comes over every Sunday, but you only come every two weeks."

• They Try to Make You Think It's All Your Fault: They won't take responsibility for their own actions. Instead, they blame you, "Your mother and I have tried to do everything to improve our relationship with you, but you just do things to make it worse."

How to Cope With Parents Who Are Trying to Guilt Trip You

Understand the impact guilt Tripping is having on you: Some people are very good at guilt tripping until they get you to feel the way they want you to feel and do what they want you to do.

Signs Your Parents Guilt Tripping is Affecting You

Recognize the signs that you're being affected by your parents' guilt tripping:

• You Feel Obligated to Them: You feel like you "owe" your parents--even when you know their demands are unreasonable.

Coping With Guilt Tripping Parents

• You Over-justify Your Actions: You keep defending or explaining your actions to your parents.

• You Feel Like Nothing You Do is Good Enough For Your Parents: You might feel like no matter how hard you try, nothing you do is ever good enough for your parents and you'll never be able to please them.

How to Cope With Parents Who Are Trying to Guilt Trip You

• Shift Your Perspective and Be Aware That You're Not Responsible For Your Parents' Feelings: If you're not actively trying to hurt your parents, you're not responsible if they feel hurt or angry that you're not doing what they want you to do. For instance, if you already have plans with a friend and your parents want you to come over on the same day, you have a right to stick with your plans and not try to appease your parents because they tell you you're making them feel hurt. 

• Set Clear Boundaries With Your Parents: Although it can be challenging, you might need to set boundaries with your parents. Let them know what is and isn't acceptable (see my article: Setting Boundaries With Family Members).

Coping With Guilt Tripping Parents

• Prioritize Your Needs: If your parents have been successful at guilt tripping you, you might feel like your needs are insignificant compared to theirs. Be aware you're doing this and make an agreement with yourself to prioritize your own needs.

• Validate Their Feelings: If you detect they have underlying feelings that they're not expressing, validate their feelings. For example, if they try to make you feel guilty about not coming to see them and you detect that their underlying feeling is that they miss you and want to spend time with you, validate that. At the same time, don't give up on your plans to appease them. Instead, you can suggest another day when you can get together with them (if you want to spend time with them).

Coping With Guilt Tripping Parents

• Get Emotional Support From Supportive Friends: Talk to trusted friends who will be emotionally supportive. If you feel apprehensive about talking with your parents and setting boundaries with them, you can "bookend" that conversation by talking to a trusted friend before and after your conversation with your parents. You might even arrange to have these bookended conversation with your friends in advance. 

Get Help in Therapy

The impact of guilt tripping can be traumatic.

Get Help in Therapy

Among other things, lifelong guilt tripping can make you susceptible to getting into a relationship with a partner who also tries to manipulate you with guilt and you might not even be aware of it because it seems "normal" to you.

A skilled mental health professional, who is a trauma specialist, can help you to heal from trauma so you can live a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Parts Work Therapist (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

As a Trauma Therapist, one of my specialties is helping clients to overcome trauma.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

What is Psychological Manipulation?

Psychological manipulation or gaslighting involves someone else controlling your thoughts, emotions or behavior (see my article: What Are 7 Signs You're Being Gaslighted?).

What is Psychological Manipulation?

The primary goal of psychological manipulation is control.

The manipulation can be subtle or it can be more overt. 

In addition, the person doing the manipulation might or might not be aware they're manipulating.

Manipulation can start out relatively small and build up over time, which makes it difficult for you to realize you're being manipulated.

Sometimes people who are outside of this dynamic can detect the manipulation more easily than you can. 

You might not want to believe that someone close to you is trying to manipulate you so you might second guess yourself about what's going on.

Why is Psychological Manipulation So Damaging?

As mentioned above, you might not recognize you're being manipulated which can cause you to be in denial about it.

What is Psychological Manipulation?

In addition, over time, you might lose trust in your own thoughts, feelings and behavior and, instead, you rely solely on the person who is manipulating you. This means you're giving up your power to the person manipulating you.

    

See my articles: 

Are You Giving Up Your Power to Someone Who Doesn't Treat You Well? 

Taking Back Your Power

What Are the Signs You're Being Manipulated in a Relationship?

The following list includes some of the most common signs that you're being manipulated.

Your partner might exhibit some of these signs and not others:

• They Blame You for Their Actions: They don't take responsibility for the things they do. Instead, they blame you. If they lose their temper, go out and binge drink or engage in other destructive behavior, they blame you. From their  perspective, you made them do it.

• They Try to Convince You That You're Wrong: They make excuses for their behavior. They might try to twist what happened to get you to appear as if you're the one who is wrong and they're right. They also tend to be relentless in getting you to take the blame for whatever happened and they don't stop until you say you were wrong.

• They Put Words in Your Mouth and Distort What You Say: People who are highly skilled at manipulation know how to turn your words against you until you're convinced of what they're saying. However, what they're doing is distorting your words through trickery so they can have the upper hand in the situation. And, if you don't realize this, you might allow your partner to do this and then you doubt yourself.

• They Blame You If You Don't Trust Them: If you don't go along with their manipulation, they tend to portray themselves as being trustworthy (when they're not) and blame you for not trusting them--even if, objectively, they have shown themselves to be untrustworthy many times.

What is Psychological Manipulation?

• They Keep Secrets: Whether their secrets are big or small, they tend to keep secrets from you. The secrets might involve where they are, who they're with or what they're doing. Even when you find out about their secrets and it makes no sense to you why they're keeping this secret, the problem isn't necessarily about the particular secret--it's about the fact that they're withholding information from you as a way to have the upper hand. In addition, if they find out you didn't tell them something that you weren't necessarily keeping a secret (e.g., going to the mall with a friend), they can get upset that there's something you're doing--no matter how innocent--that they don't know about because it means they're not in control of this aspect of your life. So, there's a double standard here about what they feel is okay for them and what they feel is okay for you.

• They Don't Like You to Have Privacy: This is similar to keeping secrets. Even if you've given them no reason to mistrust you, they want to know everything that's going on with you--who you saw, who you spoke to, where you went, when you went and so on. They might also want to check your phone, email and texts so you don't have any privacy because when you have privacy, they can't control that part of your life which makes them feel uncomfortable. But when it comes to their privacy, they insist on it. Once again, this is about control and it's another double standard (see my article: What's the Difference Between Privacy and Secrecy?).

• They Try to Make You Feel Guilty: They can try to make you feel guilty in a number of different ways. For instance, if you made a mistake, they might keep bringing it up as a way to make you feel guilty and bad about yourself. They might keep bringing up your mistakes long after they occurred. This is another way they try to control you.

• They Use Passive Aggressive Tactics: When they're angry with you, instead of talking about it directly, they act out in ways they know would annoy you to get back at you. Then, they might deny they were behaving in a passive aggressive way out of spite.

• They Use Your Trust Against You: They might offer to help you in your time of need. Then, when you trust them and accept their help, they put you down for needing and accepting their help. They try to make you feel like you're "weak" for needing their help--even if they offered to help.

• They Don't Like You to See Friends and Family: People who are highly manipulative know that if you have loved ones in your life, generally speaking, you're less likely to allow yourself to be manipulated because you'll be getting feedback from others about your partner's behavior, which your partner won't like. They want to be the only ones who influence and control you so your loved ones are threatening to your partner.

• They Start Arguments About Little Things: Even if you want to be easygoing and agreeable, a partner who wants to manipulate you might start a small fight with you as a way to get you to give in to them. Their strategy is to control you.

• They Blame You For Other People's Actions: In addition to blaming you about their actions, they might blame you for other people's actions. For instance, if someone at a party flirts with you and, objectively, you didn't encourage this behavior, instead of blaming the other person for flirting, your partner finds a way to blame you. They might say you encouraged the flirting by what you wore to the party or how you spoke or anything else. This type of behavior often gets confused with jealousy, but it's really about manipulation.

• They Talk Down to You and Belittle You: They speak to you in a condescending way. This is a form of emotional abuse. They want you to feel inferior to them or that you wouldn't be able to survive without them (see my article: Belittling Behavior in Relationships).

• They Behave in a Self Centered Way: They make the relationship center around them. If you need their emotional support, they invalidate your feelings. They might point out that either they have it much harder than you do and tell you that you have no right to your feelings. This is a form of narcissism and emotional abuse (see my article: Narcissism: An Emotional Seesaw Between Grandiosity and Shame).

There are many other ways that a partner can manipulate, but the ones mentioned above are some of the most common ones. And, as previously mentioned, your partner doesn't have to exhibit all of these signs in order to be manipulative.

This article focused on psychological manipulation between two partners in a relationship, but this form of manipulation can occur between any two or more people.

Get Help in Therapy

Psychological manipulation is damaging to your self esteem and your sense of self. 

Get Help in Therapy

Over time, you might feel so disempowered that, even when you realize you're being manipulated, you continue to give away your power to your partner because you have become increasingly emotionally dependent upon them.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who has experience helping clients to overcome this problem.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist

With over 20 years of experience, I work with individual adults and couples (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Dating and Relationships: How to Stop Being His or Her Backup Plan (AKA: A Second Choice)

If you have ever used dating apps to meet people, you know you can meet many different people before you meet someone you really like.

Unfortunately, feelings aren't always mutual. 

How to Stop Being His or Her Backup Plan

You might be interested in someone who really wants to be with someone else and vice versa.  

This isn't unusual. But if you find that your pattern is to see people who make you their "backup plan," you might want to rethink your dating patterns.

What is a Backup Plan in Dating and Relationships?

A backup plan is considered a second choice.  It happens when someone really wants to be with someone else but, for whatever reason, they can't be, so they choose someone who is their second choice.

Another possible scenario is that the person you like doesn't have someone in particular in mind, but they're keeping you around as a placeholder until they meet the person they want to be with.

If you want to get into a serious relationship, you don't want to be anyone's backup plan or placeholder while they're waiting for someone else.

What Are the Signs That You Might Be Someone's Backup Plan?

• It's Difficult to Get Their Attention: If someone shows little interest in you when you first start dating, they might not see you as #1 because they're hoping to be with someone else. Maybe the one they want to be with is in another relationship and the person you're dating is hoping they will become available. Or, they're seeing you "for now" until someone else they consider "better" comes along.  Along the way, they might string you along by breadcrumbing you with just enough attention to keep you simmering on the backburner (see my article: A Vignette About Breadcrumbing).

How to Stop Being His or Her Backup Plan

• You Initiate Most of the Contact and Any Effort to Move the Relationship Forward: Maybe they text you sporadically and their texts are superficial and vague.  Even though they say they want to see you, it's hard to pin them down to specific plans. They might make vague references to being busy, but you don't really know what's going on in their life. They're making little or no effort to move the relationship along and any efforts to do so are made by you. Not only is this disheartening, but it could also be a sign you're not a priority.

• They Cancel Plans a Lot: Even when they make plans with you, they tend to cancel a lot. Once again, their explanations are vague ("I'm too busy" or "Something came up"). This could be a sign that the person they really want to be with has become available and they prefer to spend time with that person. Whatever the reason for their frequent cancellations, you sense you're not a priority for them.

• They See You at Their Convenience: When you do see each other, it's at their convenience. It might be a last minute plan as if it's an afterthought on their part. They don't take your schedule into consideration and, if you can't make it, they don't seem disappointed. This can be another sign that you're not a priority to them.

How to Stop Being His or Her Backup Plan

• They Don't Like Labels: When you try to discuss where things stand between you, you're told that they don't like labels. They might tell you something like, "Why do we have to put a label on this?" or "Why don't we just see where this goes?" But deep down you sense it's not going anywhere because they're stringing you along.

• You Walk on Eggshells Because You're Worried They'll Leave You if You Call Them Out on Their Behavior: You can see clearly that you're not a priority to them, but you're afraid to point this out because you're worried they'll stop seeing you. You keep hoping you'll become their priority, but it's not happening and you're compromising your sense of self worth.

• You've Been Dating For a While, But You Haven't Met Their Friends or Family: If you have been dating them for a while and you haven't met their friends or family, this could be a sign you're their backup plan. They might not want to introduce you to friends or family because they're waiting for someone else to come along.

How to Stop Being Their Backup Plan

• Develop Self Awareness: Although it might be painful to admit to yourself that you're not a priority to the person who is a priority to you, you owe it to yourself to become aware of the telltale signs that you're someone's backup plan. If you're not sure, talk it over with a trusted friend who can be more objective than you.

• Ask Yourself Why You're Putting Up With Their Behavior: It's one thing for them to treat you like you're not a priority and it's another thing for you to allow it. Is your willingness to put up with this behavior related to your family history or a history of unhealthy relationships? Are you afraid you won't meet anyone else if you leave this relationship? This can be a hard step to take, but it's essential for you to be honest with yourself if you want to stop being treated like you're not important. 

• Call Out Their Behavior: If you're in a situation where they're doing the least they can do just to keep stringing you along, you need to call out this manipulative behavior. If you hesitate because you're afraid you might lose them, ask yourself, "What would I really be losing?"

• Reflect on Your Choices: If you find yourself in this type of situation over and over again, you're probably repeating an unconscious pattern (see my article: Falling in Love With "Mr. Wrong" Over and Over Again).

• Respect Yourself and Your Own Needs: If you're okay with a casual relationship where you get together once in a while, you might not be bothered by being someone's second choice. But if you want to be in a serious relationship, you need to acknowledge and respect your own needs. Make it clear that you're not going to wait around for them and if they continue to treat you like a second choice, move on.

Get Help in Therapy

• Get Help in Therapy: Although you might realize you're repeating certain patterns, you might not know how to change these patterns on your own. A licensed mental health professional can help you to identify the patterns and, more importantly, help you to change them so you don't keep repeating them.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Are You in a Relationship With Someone Who Has a Dark Triad Personality?

If your relationship started out well but now you're seeing toxic personality traits in your partner, you might be in a relationship with someone who has a Dark Triad Personality.

The Dark Triad Personality

The Dark Triad psychological theory was originally proposed in 2002 by researchers Kevin Williams and Delroy Paulus who identified three malevolent personality traits:

• Narcissism

• Psychopathy

• Machiavellianism

Any one of these traits would be difficult in a relationship, but the combination of all three traits in the Dark Triad Personality make them especially challenging.

So, let's look at each one separately:

• Narcissism:
• A need for admiration and attention
• A sense of entitlement
• Arrogance
• A lack of empathy for others
• Manipulation and exploitation of others for their own gain
• Feeling like they're the "victim" when they are the ones who victimize others
• Criticizing others
• Envying others or believing others envy them
• Expecting special treatment

• Psychopathy: There are two types of psychopathy: Primary psychopathy and secondary psychopathy (psychopathy should not be confused with psychosis).

• Primary Psychopathy:
• Cold
• Callus
• Manipulative
• Often successful
• No remorse or guilt for the negative impact they have on others

• Secondary Psychopathy:
• Impulsive risk taker with bad results
• Usually unsuccessful

• Machiavellianism: 
• Cunning
• Deceitful
• Acting only in their own self interest
• Lacking empathy for others

How Do You Know If You're With Someone Who Has a Dark Triad Personality?

People who have a Dark Triad personality are very good at masking their negative qualities so you don't see it at first.  They often use their charm to disarm people until they get what they want.

Both men and women can have a Dark Triad Personality.  

A typical example is the man who is a "player" or "F-Boy" (see my articles: Understanding the Underlying Emotional Dynamics of Players - Part 1 and Part 2).

The combination of the following characteristics might indicate you're with someone who has a Dark Triad Personality:

• They're Usually Successful:  Assuming they have primary psychopathy, they usually know how to succeed by selfishly putting their own interests first--often at the expense of others. In addition to whatever skills and talent they might possess, they know how to use charisma (and possibly good looks) to manipulate the right people who can help them to get ahead.  Then, they often discard those people because they're no longer useful to them. It's not unusual for them to engage in unethical or illegal behavior once they have succeeded.  

• They Often Have Problems With Anger Management: They might not explode in front of their boss because that could ruin their chance for success, but they might unleash their rage and impulsivity at you behind closed doors. 

• They Have a Hard Time Maintaining a Long Term Relationship: They usually have a string of brief relationships.  They might be in a relationship for a few years or more if they find partners with low self esteem who are willing to put up with their bad behavior (e.g., cheating, lying and so on).  Also, when they're in a relationship, they have no sense of shame or guilt about lying and cheating (see my article: What Are the 12 Telltale Signs You're With a Womanizer).

• They're Cold Towards Others: While they're trying to get what they want, whether it's a sexual conquest or a job promotion, they know how to manipulate by appearing as if they're kind, friendly and agreeable, but this is only a means to an end. Once they've gotten what they want, they're cold and unfeeling.

• They Engage in Impulsive and Risky Behavior: For people with primary psychopathy, the risky and impulsive behavior often pays off because they usually have good instincts--but this is not the case for people with secondary psychopathy.  People with secondary psychopathy often take big risks and get small or no rewards.

• They Don't Have Morals, Ethics and Empathy: People with a Dark Triad Personality will lie, cheat and manipulate to get what they want and not think about the impact on others because they don't care. They're lacking in morals, ethics and empathy. They only care to the extent that it might get in the way of what they want.

• They Bully Others: They might engage in verbal, emotional or physical abuse to get what they want. Their objective is to gain power over others.

Next Article: In my next article, I'll give tips on how to handle a Dark Triad personality.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

                

• 
  

•