How to Cope With Parents Who Are Trying to Guilt Trip You As An Adult

Parents who try to guilt trip you into doing what they want are usually emotionally immature. Rather than trying to placate them, you need to find healthy ways of dealing with their behavior.

What is Guilt Tripping?

Guilt tripping is when someone tries to manipulate you to control your behavior.

Coping With Guilt Tripping Parents

Aside from wanting to control your behavior, guilt tripping violates your boundaries.

What Are the Signs of Guilt Tripping?

• They Become Passive Aggressive: Instead of being outwardly aggressive, they make passive aggressive or sarcastic comments like, "Well, I guess if you can't come over this Sunday, I'll have to spend the day alone" (passive aggressive) or "Oh sure, don't worry about me, but I won't be around forever" (see my article: Coping With Family Members' Passive Aggressive Comments).

• They Try to Gaslight You: They might try to twist your words or distort the truth to make you question your intentions and behavior, "I don't know why you would rather be with your friends than come here to visit your father and me. Your friends won't always be there for you like we have been" or "You're the reason why your dad and I are unhappy."

• They Give You the Silent Treatment and Become Emotionally Distant: They stop communicating with you and ignore your calls, email and text. This is a form of emotional abuse to punish, gain power over and manipulate.

Coping With Guilt Tripping Parents

• They Remind You About Your Past Mistakes: This is another form of manipulation to try to make you feel like you owe them something. For example: "You're going out with your boyfriend instead of coming to see me? You always make bad relationship choices. Remember, I was who was there for you when you were hurt and upset about your last relationship."

• They Make Negative Comparisons: They might compare you to a sibling, another family member or a friend, "Your sister always comes over every Sunday, but you only come every two weeks."

• They Try to Make You Think It's All Your Fault: They won't take responsibility for their own actions. Instead, they blame you, "Your mother and I have tried to do everything to improve our relationship with you, but you just do things to make it worse."

How to Cope With Parents Who Are Trying to Guilt Trip You

Understand the impact guilt Tripping is having on you: Some people are very good at guilt tripping until they get you to feel the way they want you to feel and do what they want you to do.

Signs Your Parents Guilt Tripping is Affecting You

Recognize the signs that you're being affected by your parents' guilt tripping:

• You Feel Obligated to Them: You feel like you "owe" your parents--even when you know their demands are unreasonable.

Coping With Guilt Tripping Parents

• You Over-justify Your Actions: You keep defending or explaining your actions to your parents.

• You Feel Like Nothing You Do is Good Enough For Your Parents: You might feel like no matter how hard you try, nothing you do is ever good enough for your parents and you'll never be able to please them.

How to Cope With Parents Who Are Trying to Guilt Trip You

• Shift Your Perspective and Be Aware That You're Not Responsible For Your Parents' Feelings: If you're not actively trying to hurt your parents, you're not responsible if they feel hurt or angry that you're not doing what they want you to do. For instance, if you already have plans with a friend and your parents want you to come over on the same day, you have a right to stick with your plans and not try to appease your parents because they tell you you're making them feel hurt. 

• Set Clear Boundaries With Your Parents: Although it can be challenging, you might need to set boundaries with your parents. Let them know what is and isn't acceptable (see my article: Setting Boundaries With Family Members).

Coping With Guilt Tripping Parents

• Prioritize Your Needs: If your parents have been successful at guilt tripping you, you might feel like your needs are insignificant compared to theirs. Be aware you're doing this and make an agreement with yourself to prioritize your own needs.

• Validate Their Feelings: If you detect they have underlying feelings that they're not expressing, validate their feelings. For example, if they try to make you feel guilty about not coming to see them and you detect that their underlying feeling is that they miss you and want to spend time with you, validate that. At the same time, don't give up on your plans to appease them. Instead, you can suggest another day when you can get together with them (if you want to spend time with them).

Coping With Guilt Tripping Parents

• Get Emotional Support From Supportive Friends: Talk to trusted friends who will be emotionally supportive. If you feel apprehensive about talking with your parents and setting boundaries with them, you can "bookend" that conversation by talking to a trusted friend before and after your conversation with your parents. You might even arrange to have these bookended conversation with your friends in advance. 

Get Help in Therapy

The impact of guilt tripping can be traumatic.

Get Help in Therapy

Among other things, lifelong guilt tripping can make you susceptible to getting into a relationship with a partner who also tries to manipulate you with guilt and you might not even be aware of it because it seems "normal" to you.

A skilled mental health professional, who is a trauma specialist, can help you to heal from trauma so you can live a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Parts Work Therapist (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

As a Trauma Therapist, one of my specialties is helping clients to overcome trauma.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

What is Psychological Manipulation?

Psychological manipulation or gaslighting involves someone else controlling your thoughts, emotions or behavior (see my article: What Are 7 Signs You're Being Gaslighted?).

What is Psychological Manipulation?

The primary goal of psychological manipulation is control.

The manipulation can be subtle or it can be more overt. 

In addition, the person doing the manipulation might or might not be aware they're manipulating.

Manipulation can start out relatively small and build up over time, which makes it difficult for you to realize you're being manipulated.

Sometimes people who are outside of this dynamic can detect the manipulation more easily than you can. 

You might not want to believe that someone close to you is trying to manipulate you so you might second guess yourself about what's going on.

Why is Psychological Manipulation So Damaging?

As mentioned above, you might not recognize you're being manipulated which can cause you to be in denial about it.

What is Psychological Manipulation?

In addition, over time, you might lose trust in your own thoughts, feelings and behavior and, instead, you rely solely on the person who is manipulating you. This means you're giving up your power to the person manipulating you.

    

See my articles: 

Are You Giving Up Your Power to Someone Who Doesn't Treat You Well? 

Taking Back Your Power

What Are the Signs You're Being Manipulated in a Relationship?

The following list includes some of the most common signs that you're being manipulated.

Your partner might exhibit some of these signs and not others:

• They Blame You for Their Actions: They don't take responsibility for the things they do. Instead, they blame you. If they lose their temper, go out and binge drink or engage in other destructive behavior, they blame you. From their  perspective, you made them do it.

• They Try to Convince You That You're Wrong: They make excuses for their behavior. They might try to twist what happened to get you to appear as if you're the one who is wrong and they're right. They also tend to be relentless in getting you to take the blame for whatever happened and they don't stop until you say you were wrong.

• They Put Words in Your Mouth and Distort What You Say: People who are highly skilled at manipulation know how to turn your words against you until you're convinced of what they're saying. However, what they're doing is distorting your words through trickery so they can have the upper hand in the situation. And, if you don't realize this, you might allow your partner to do this and then you doubt yourself.

• They Blame You If You Don't Trust Them: If you don't go along with their manipulation, they tend to portray themselves as being trustworthy (when they're not) and blame you for not trusting them--even if, objectively, they have shown themselves to be untrustworthy many times.

What is Psychological Manipulation?

• They Keep Secrets: Whether their secrets are big or small, they tend to keep secrets from you. The secrets might involve where they are, who they're with or what they're doing. Even when you find out about their secrets and it makes no sense to you why they're keeping this secret, the problem isn't necessarily about the particular secret--it's about the fact that they're withholding information from you as a way to have the upper hand. In addition, if they find out you didn't tell them something that you weren't necessarily keeping a secret (e.g., going to the mall with a friend), they can get upset that there's something you're doing--no matter how innocent--that they don't know about because it means they're not in control of this aspect of your life. So, there's a double standard here about what they feel is okay for them and what they feel is okay for you.

• They Don't Like You to Have Privacy: This is similar to keeping secrets. Even if you've given them no reason to mistrust you, they want to know everything that's going on with you--who you saw, who you spoke to, where you went, when you went and so on. They might also want to check your phone, email and texts so you don't have any privacy because when you have privacy, they can't control that part of your life which makes them feel uncomfortable. But when it comes to their privacy, they insist on it. Once again, this is about control and it's another double standard (see my article: What's the Difference Between Privacy and Secrecy?).

• They Try to Make You Feel Guilty: They can try to make you feel guilty in a number of different ways. For instance, if you made a mistake, they might keep bringing it up as a way to make you feel guilty and bad about yourself. They might keep bringing up your mistakes long after they occurred. This is another way they try to control you.

• They Use Passive Aggressive Tactics: When they're angry with you, instead of talking about it directly, they act out in ways they know would annoy you to get back at you. Then, they might deny they were behaving in a passive aggressive way out of spite.

• They Use Your Trust Against You: They might offer to help you in your time of need. Then, when you trust them and accept their help, they put you down for needing and accepting their help. They try to make you feel like you're "weak" for needing their help--even if they offered to help.

• They Don't Like You to See Friends and Family: People who are highly manipulative know that if you have loved ones in your life, generally speaking, you're less likely to allow yourself to be manipulated because you'll be getting feedback from others about your partner's behavior, which your partner won't like. They want to be the only ones who influence and control you so your loved ones are threatening to your partner.

• They Start Arguments About Little Things: Even if you want to be easygoing and agreeable, a partner who wants to manipulate you might start a small fight with you as a way to get you to give in to them. Their strategy is to control you.

• They Blame You For Other People's Actions: In addition to blaming you about their actions, they might blame you for other people's actions. For instance, if someone at a party flirts with you and, objectively, you didn't encourage this behavior, instead of blaming the other person for flirting, your partner finds a way to blame you. They might say you encouraged the flirting by what you wore to the party or how you spoke or anything else. This type of behavior often gets confused with jealousy, but it's really about manipulation.

• They Talk Down to You and Belittle You: They speak to you in a condescending way. This is a form of emotional abuse. They want you to feel inferior to them or that you wouldn't be able to survive without them (see my article: Belittling Behavior in Relationships).

• They Behave in a Self Centered Way: They make the relationship center around them. If you need their emotional support, they invalidate your feelings. They might point out that either they have it much harder than you do and tell you that you have no right to your feelings. This is a form of narcissism and emotional abuse (see my article: Narcissism: An Emotional Seesaw Between Grandiosity and Shame).

There are many other ways that a partner can manipulate, but the ones mentioned above are some of the most common ones. And, as previously mentioned, your partner doesn't have to exhibit all of these signs in order to be manipulative.

This article focused on psychological manipulation between two partners in a relationship, but this form of manipulation can occur between any two or more people.

Get Help in Therapy

Psychological manipulation is damaging to your self esteem and your sense of self. 

Get Help in Therapy

Over time, you might feel so disempowered that, even when you realize you're being manipulated, you continue to give away your power to your partner because you have become increasingly emotionally dependent upon them.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who has experience helping clients to overcome this problem.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist

With over 20 years of experience, I work with individual adults and couples (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Why Ghosting Your Psychotherapist is Harmful to You

Ending a relationship can be difficult, and many people try to avoid dealing with endings--whether those endings involve a romantic relationship, family members, coworkers and even psychotherapists. "Ghosting" is a relatively new term to describe when someone disappears from a relationship, regardless of the type of relationship, in order to avoid a conflict or the fear of ending that relationship (see my article: When Clients Leave Therapy Prematurely).

Why Ghosting Your Psychotherapist is Harmful to You

Ghosting in Psychotherapy 
Clients in psychotherapy often talk about how emotionally painful it is when someone that they were dating ghosts them.

They talk about feeling abandoned, rejected and confused about why the other person disappeared from their life without telling them why.  And yet, some of these same clients will ghost their psychotherapist even when they have had a good therapeutic relationship with them before they disappeared.

Although ghosting a psychotherapist isn't the norm, it happens often enough for psychotherapists to begin talking about it.  Often, clients who ghost their therapist have a long history of passive-aggressive and avoidant behavior in other personal and work-related relationships.

Why Do Clients Ghost Their Psychotherapists?
With the advent of dating apps where people can swipe right or left for their dating preferences, some people haven't developed the necessary tact and interpersonal skills for interacting with others.

I hear from many clients, who are unhappy with online dating, that for many of the people they are meeting online, there is a feeling that there might be "someone better" one swipe away ("better" is often defined as better looking, sexier, richer, smarter, and so on).  So, these people tend to enter into the dating world lacking the interpersonal skills and motivation to get to know people before ghosting them.

Why Ghosting Your Psychotherapist is Harmful to You

Unfortunately, this phenomenon has carried over into the realm of psychotherapy with some clients opting to disappear from therapy rather than talking to their psychotherapist about whatever is bothering them (see my article: How to Talk to Your Psychotherapist About What's Bothering You About Your Therapy).

For people who ghost their psychotherapist, there is often little to no recognition that they have a  relationship with their psychotherapist--a therapeutic relationship, which is, of course, different from a personal relationship, but a relationship nonetheless, and that relationship deserves the respect of any other type of relationship.

As to why clients ghost their psychotherapist, there can be many reasons, including:

• A History of Avoidant Behavior: Some people just haven't learned how to end a relationship in a way that is respectful to the other person and respectful to themselves.  They might have an avoidant attachment style or aspects of that attachment style.  In most cases, they want to avoid any kind of unpleasantness or conflict--even when they know, logically, that their psychotherapist is trained to deal with endings.  

• A Problem With Interpersonal Skills: As mentioned before, some clients haven't developed the necessary social skills for interacting with others.  Either due to inexperience with relationships or a lack of recognition of the importance of relationships, they don't know how to talk about what's bothering them in a relationship and how to end a relationship that's not working for them, including a therapeutic relationship (see my article: How Psychotherapy Can Facilitate Emotional Development in Adult Clients).

• A Fear of Emotional Intimacy: A client-therapist relationship is one of the most emotionally intimate relationships that many people have.  For some people, it's the only emotionally intimate relationship they have in their lives, especially if they're not connected to family member, friends or in a romantic relationship.  For clients who have never been in therapy before or who have skipped around to many different therapists without developing a therapeutic relationship, the emotional intensity of the therapeutic relationship can be uncomfortable.  If they have never developed a good therapeutic relationship with a psychotherapist, they might not have anticipated what opening up to a therapist would be like.  For some clients, when the therapy sessions become deeper than they anticipated, they bolt (see my article: Fear of Emotional Intimacy).

• An Early History of Traumatic Endings:  Often ghosting is related to unresolved trauma where there were one or more early traumatic endings.  This might include: being abandoned by a parents early in life, experiencing marital separation or divorce where the parents didn't take the time to talk to the children about the change, sudden evictions from a home, etc.  Someone who has experienced traumatic endings has inadvertently learned that endings are dangerous and should be avoided, so rather than letting their therapist know that they are thinking about leaving therapy, they become too anxious about the ending and just leave (see my article: Fear of Abandonment and Adults Who Were Traumatized As Children Are Often Afraid to Express Their Feelings).

Why is Ghosting Your Psychotherapist Harmful to You?
While it's true that no psychotherapist likes to be ghosted by a client, when clients ghost their psychotherapist, they are mostly harming themselves for the following reasons:

• Your Therapy Often Doesn't Go Beyond the Surface: When you disappear from your therapy, you often cheat yourself from having the experience of going beyond the surface in therapy.  Clients who leave therapy prematurely will often say to their next therapist that they didn't know what else to talk about once they talked briefly about the presenting problem.  A skilled psychotherapist will usually recognize that the client might have been defensively warding off delving deeper into their problems (see my article: Beyond the "Band-aid" Approach to Resolving Your Problems in Therapy).

• You Might Be Avoiding Dealing With Your Problems:  Most, if not all, people begin psychotherapy with a degree of ambivalence.  Even the most motivated clients, who are serious about working on their problems, have some mixed feelings about being in therapy.  So, when you have an urge to disappear from your therapy sessions, you would be wise to ask yourself what you might be avoiding.   You might feel a temporary sense of relief by leaving therapy prematurely, but sooner or later your problems will resurface (usually, it's sooner), and you might be returning to your therapist or looking for another therapist.  If this is a pattern for you, you could reenact this ghosting pattern many times with different therapists and not resolve your problems (see my article: Starting Psychotherapy: It's Not Unusual to Feel Anxious or Ambivalent).

• You Don't Feel Good About Yourself After Ghosting Your Psychotherapist:  Except in rare cases of the most callous or narcissistic people, most people who have a pattern of ghosting their psychotherapists will often say that they feel shame and guilt afterwards for leaving in such a passive-aggressive way.  If this occurs with one therapist after another, they develop a sense of failure or the misconception that "therapy doesn't work for me."  Before disappearing from therapy, take some time to first reflect upon what you will feel like after the initial sense of relief, especially if you have skipped around a lot from one therapist to another.  

• You Don't Learn to Assert Yourself in a Healthy Way:  Even when it's clear that you and your psychotherapist aren't a good match, rather than disappearing from therapy, you owe it to yourself to assert yourself so you can have a good ending in therapy.  If you have never learned to end a relationship in a healthy way, discussing termination with your psychotherapist is an opportunity to learn how to have a healthy ending.  This means having at least one session to end the therapy--not texting, emailing or leaving a voicemail message telling your therapist that you're ending therapy.  

What Can Psychotherapists Do to Help Clients With a Pattern of Ghosting?
Psychotherapists who recognize that a client has a pattern of ghosting people in relationships can help by doing the following:

• Bring Up the Topic of Ghosting Early On in Therapy For Clients Who Have a Pattern of Ghosting:  Very often, whatever problem a client is having in his or her personal or work life also becomes a problem in therapy.  That's why it's important for a therapist to address the ghosting issue early on in therapy when she hears that a client has a pattern of doing this in relationships.  By bringing up this topic, the therapist lets the client know that she is receptive to hearing any complaints about the therapy or what the client thinks isn't working, so the client knows it's safe to talk about these issues and s/he doesn't have to disappear from therapy at the first sign of a problem.  This provides an opportunity for the client and therapist to talk about other ways of handling uncomfortable feelings, conflict or whatever might be causing the client to want to disappear.  For some clients, this might not be enough to keep them from bolting from therapy when they're uncomfortable, but at least it has been addressed.  It increases the chance that these clients might remember the discussion even after they leave, and they might consider returning (see my article: Starting Where the Client is in Psychotherapy and Why It's Important For Psychotherapist to Provide Clients With Psychoeducation).

• Don't Take It Personally:  Most experienced psychotherapists are trained not to take abrupt endings in therapy personally.  This doesn't mean that the therapist might not have contributed to the abrupt ending in therapy.  It could mean that, even when the therapist made mistakes and had no opportunity for repairing the rupture, this isn't a personal abandonment (although it never feels good to be ghosted).  But if, as a psychotherapist, you experience it as a personal abandonment or if it triggers abandonment issues in you, you would do well to seek help in your own personal therapy to work out these unresolved issues.  Self care is important. You would also probably benefit from working with an experienced supervisor or colleagues who can help you to deal with this issue (see my article: Psychotherapists' Reactions to Their Clients).

• Contact a Client Who Has Disappeared From Therapy: It can be very helpful to a client, who is fearful and avoidant, to hear from his or her therapist that the door remains open to returning.  This is especially true for clients who have been traumatized by unhealthy endings in their family where there was no opportunity to return to repair relationships.  The client might not come back soon or ever, but knowing that the therapist is open to discussing the reasons for leaving, even if the client still wants to end therapy after the discussion, can be a healing experience.  Some clients, who disappear from therapy, return months or years afterwards based on the therapist letting them know that her door remains open to them.  Also, let them know your policy regarding inactive cases (e.g., a client's case would be considered inactive after a month or whatever your policy is).

• Help Clients to Work Through the Issue of Abrupt Endings If They Return: As previously mentioned, some clients return after they have heard from their psychotherapist that they can come back.  For those clients, who might still feel uncomfortable, guilty or ashamed, it's important to address their disappearance from therapy.  This can be a healing experience for the client and the therapeutic relationship (see my article: Ruptures and Repairs in Psychotherapy).

Conclusion
Ghosting is phenomenon which occurs for a variety of reasons, in personal relationships, work relationships and therapeutic relationships in psychotherapy.

When ghosting occurs in psychotherapy, it's harmful to the client, who might be perpetuating a pattern of disappearing from relationships or unconsciously recreating trauma from the past.

Psychotherapists, who recognize a pattern of ghosting with particular clients, can help these clients by providing psychoeducation about why ghosting is harmful to them and how to deal with problems directly rather than avoiding them.

When clients, who tend to bolt from relationships, learn to confront their fears in psychotherapy (rather than disappearing from therapy), they can take pride in achieving an important goal.  Learning to deal with problems related to psychotherapy can help clients to develop the necessary skills to deal with problems in their personal relationships and in their career.

Getting Help in Therapy
Rather than struggling alone, you could benefit from seeking help in psychotherapy (see my article:  The Benefits of Psychotherapy).

Finding the psychotherapist that's right for you might take time and effort (see my article: How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

Freeing yourself in therapy from a traumatic history can allow you to lead a more meaningful and fulfilling life.

About Me
I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples, and I have helped many clients to overcome unresolved trauma.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Coping With Family Members Who Make Passive Aggressive Comments to You

In prior articles, How to Recognize Passive Aggressive Behavior and How to Change Passive Aggressive Behavior, I discussed passive aggressive behavior in relationships.  In this article, I'm discussing how to deal with family members who make passive aggressive remarks and try to pass it off with saying, "I was only telling you for your own good" or "I was only joking."

What is Passive Aggressive Behavior?
Passive aggressive behavior is a tendency to engage in indirect, thinly veiled hostile behavior.  This includes making insulting remarks, sulking, sullen behavior, stubbornness or delaying (or not doing) tasks that were agreed upon.

Coping With Family Members Who Make Passive Aggressive Comments to You

The following fictional vignette illustrates how family members make passive aggressive comments:

Fictional Vignette: Coping With Family Members Who Make Passive Aggressive Comments:

Rita
Before Rita went home for the holidays, she told her parents and her younger sister that she decided to stop drinking because she realized that she was drinking too much lately.  She knew that her family tended to drink a lot during the holidays, and she didn't want to be pressured to drink, so she let them know in advance to avoid the pressure.

When Rita arrived at her parents home, her sister, Ann, opened the door with a cocktail in hand and told Rita to help herself to whatever alcoholic drink she wanted.

Feeling annoyed, Rita reminded Ann that she was not drinking.  Ann rolled her eyes at Rita, "Oh, you're not going to be any fun.  It's the holidays.  Everyone drinks on the holidays.  You can have just one drink, can't you?"

Rita ignored her sister, but her sister persisted by enlisting their mother, "Mom, can you believe Rita's not drinking?"

Their mother, who also had a drink in her hand, smiled, "Rita, don't be a bore.  Make yourself a drink."

Rita felt so angry that she was shaking and on the verge of tears, "For once, I wish you two would hear me.  I've been drinking too much lately and I want to stop"(see my articles: How to Cope With Difficult Family Visits and How to Cope With Getting Emotionally Triggered During Family Visits).

Ann laughed and waved her hand at Rita in a dismissive manner, "Don't be so dramatic.  I just want you to have a good time.  Don't take it so seriously."

Their mother joined in and said to Ann, "Rita has always been so serious.  Now, look at her long face."

When Rita angrily put her coat back on and started for the door, her mother said, "Oh come on.  You're not really leaving, are you?  I was just kidding."

But Rita was too angry to stick around, so she got back in her car and drove home with tears in her eyes the entire way.

During her next psychotherapy session, she spoke with her psychotherapist about her mother's and sister's passive aggressive comments and how much they hurt her.

Rita's therapist acknowledged that her family's remarks were passive aggressive and they talked about how Rita could deal with these kinds of remarks the next time that she visited her parents' home (see below).

How to Cope With Your Family Members' Passive Aggressive Comments
The following suggestions can be used for anyone that you encounter who makes passive aggressive remarks:

• Stay Calm:  Although it can be difficult to stay calm when family members make thinly veiled hostile remarks, it's important to keep your cool so you can think about what you're saying and your response doesn't make matters worse.  If you can't stay calm in the moment, take a break and then speak to your family once you're composed.

• Confront the Passive Aggressive Behavior By Setting Boundaries:   While remaining calm, confront the passive aggressive behavior and set boundaries with your family. "Confronting" doesn't mean that you're aggressive or offensive.  It means that you're asserting yourself in a healthy way.  Why assert yourself?  If you don't your family members will continue to speak to you in thinly hostile ways.  In addition, if you don't address this behavior, their remarks might erode your self esteem.  You will also harbor unspoken resentments, which can come out in your own passive aggressive or sarcastic comments.  This only makes things worse (see my article: Setting Healthy Boundaries).

• Let Your Family Know What You Consider to Be Unacceptable:  Rather than hoping that your family will understand without being told, calmly and tactfully let your family members know what is and isn't acceptable to you.  For example, if your mother tends to make passive aggressive remarks about your weight, let her know that her remarks hurt your feelings and that you don't want to hear them.  She might respond by making another passive aggressive remark, like, "I'm only telling you for your own good."  But don't buy it.  While you're not trying to change her, you need to stick up for yourself.  Be very clear and specific about the type of topics that you don't want to discuss and stick with it--even if you have to tell your family members a few times.

• Ask Them If There's Something They Would Like to Discuss More Directly:  There are often other issues brewing underneath passive aggressive comments.  Sometimes, it's completely unrelated to whatever they're saying to you.  They might still be angry about something that happened years ago and they're seizing on a passive aggressive remark to even the score--whether they realize it or not.  By offering to address whatever might be bothering them, you're letting your family know that you're open to hearing about things that might be bothering them that could be lurking underneath their hostile remarks.

• Have a Direct Discussion With Your Family Members and Clear the Air:  If your family is open to admitting that there are other issues involved, have a direct discussion and clear the air.  It's better to clear up old unfinished business than to continue to be subjected to passive aggressive behavior.

Conclusion
People who make passive aggressive remarks often don't know how to communicate directly, so they use an indirect and hurtful way of communicating, namely, passive aggressive comments.

Whether they realize it or not, passive aggressive remarks can be sadistic and hurtful.  These remarks often cause rifts in families.

You will need to assert yourself in a tactful and calm way to set boundaries.  This needs to be done in person--not by email, text or over the phone.  Anything other than face-to-face communication will be less effective.

Remember that you have a right to stick up for yourself.  You're not trying to change them.  You're setting boundaries, letting them know what's acceptable and what's not, asking them to respect your feelings and your wishes, and you're setting boundaries.

Getting Help in Therapy
Confronting passive aggressive behavior and setting boundaries with family members can be difficult, especially if there is a long history of problems.

Rather than suffering on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who can help to address these issues (see my article: How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

Once you have been assertive and set boundaries with your family, you'll feel better about yourself and you will have grown in a way that you didn't think possible before.

About Me
I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who provides integrative psychotherapy in a dynamic and collaborate way (see my article:  The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

How to Recognize Passive Aggressive Behavior in Your Relationship

Learning to recognize passive aggressive behavior in your relationship is the start of not only becoming aware of this behavior but also the first stage in changing it before it ruins your relationship.

Passive Aggressive Behavior in Your Relationship

Whether you're the one who is being passive aggressive or it's your partner/spouse, engaging in this behavior usually compounds whatever problems there are in the relationship.

What is Passive Aggressive Behavior?
Passive aggressive behavior is a passive resistance to whatever is going on between you and your partner.  It can be expressed in a variety of habitual behavior including:

• procrastination
• forgetfulness
• obstructive resistance
• stubbornness
• irritability
• caustic comments
• petty complaints
• vacillation/ambivalence
• grumbling
• sabotaging behavior
• hostile comments
• veiled hostile comments
• resentfulness
• sarcasm
• belittling comments
• covert belittling

Anyone can have a bad day and engage in one or more of the behaviors above, so please note that I have italicized the word "habitual" with regard to the list of behaviors.

Clinical Scenario
The following scenario, which is a fictionalized account of passive aggressive behavior in a relationship, illustrates how this behavior can play out in a relationship:

Sue and Mark:
Sue and Mark had been married for 10 years.  They tended to get into arguments whenever Sue asked Mark to do something he really didn't want to do but that he would not directly address. Instead, he engaged in passive aggressive behavior.

How to Recognize Passive Aggressive Behavior in Your Relationship

After an argument where Mark's procrastination in taking care of a simple plumbing job resulted in an expensive plumbing bill, Sue made an appointment for couples therapy.

About five minutes before the session was scheduled to start, Mark called Sue, who was in the couples therapist's reception area, to let her know that he took a nap and there would be no way for him to get to the appointment before the session was due to end.  They would have to reschedule.

Sue was fuming as she rescheduled the appointment and said, "This is just one example of Mark's passive aggressive behavior."

During the second scheduled appointment, Mark arrived on time, but he forgot his checkbook, so he was unable to write a check for the session.  

Once again, Sue was fuming because they had agreed in advance that Mark would bring his checkbook and pay for this session.  Instead, they spent several minutes at the end of the session going through whatever cash they had so they could pay for the session.

Getting Help in Therapy
People who engage in passive aggressive behavior are often unaware of their behavior, but they can learn to recognize the signs and learn to change it.

A licensed mental health practitioner, who has expertise with passive aggressive behavior, can help you to change this dynamic.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help so you can live a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I have helped many individuals and couples to lead more fulfilling lives.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.