Recognizing When You Feel Safe or Unsafe in Your Interpersonal Relationships

Recognizing when you feel safe or unsafe in interpersonal situations is important to your health, mental health and overall well-being.

Feeling Safe in Your Relationship

What is the Polyvagal Theory?

Before I provide suggestions on how to know if you're safe or unsafe, I would like to discuss the Polyvagal Theory as it relates to this topic. 

Understanding the basics of the Polyvagal Theory can also help you to understand your mental health, physical health, how you react when you feel safe and how you react when you feel unsafe.

Polyvagal theory, which was developed by Dr. Stephen Porges, emphasizes the role of the autonomic nervous system, especially the vagus nerve, in regulating our health, mental health and overall well-being.

The theory describes physiological/psychological states underlying daily behavior, including physical and emotional challenges.

The theory helps us to understand how psychological safety, co-regulation, and connection are essential to our physical and psychological existence.

How is the Polyvagal Theory Related to the Nervous System?

The theory describes how the nervous system responses to danger: Fight, flight or freeze.

The following descriptions provide a look at the three states of the nervous system:

• Safe (Social Engagement): When you feel safe, your nervous system is calm and relaxed. You can connect with others, feel your emotions and be yourself because you're not experiencing a threat.

• Mobilization (Fight or Flight): When your nervous system detects danger in your environment, either a physical or psychological danger, it activates the fight or flight response. Your heart rate and breathing increase and adrenaline is released to prepare you to either fight the threat or escape from it.

• Immobilization: If fight or flight isn't a viable option, your nervous system moves into the immobilization or freeze response. This is a survival strategy where the body automatically shuts down, the heart and blood pressure drop and you might feel numb or disconnected. This is the "play dead" response seen in animals as their last survival response when they are faced with overwhelming danger.

In addition, over time, the Polyvagal Theory was updated to include the fawn and appeasement response.

The description I have provided above for the Polyvagal Theory is very basic. For more information and an easy way to understand the Polyvagal Theory, listen to Polyvagal Theory Made Simple by Claire Weston.

Your Nervous System Acts Like Your "Personal Surveillance System"

Your nervous system acts like your "personal surveillance system" asking the question: "Am I safe?"

When you're interacting with others, if you feel safe and calm, your social engagement system is activated because you're not experiencing a threat in the environment.

If you feel threatened either psychologically or physically, your system goes into a mobilization state while you're trying to figure out if you will need to fight or escape.  

Feeling Unsafe in Fight or Flight Response

If you can't fight because the danger is too overwhelming, your body is activated to run before you're even aware of it consciously. For instance, if you're walking down a dark street and you encounter a threatening group of people who make dangerous gestures towards you, you know you're outnumbered so all you can do is run.

Feeling Unsafe and Immobilized 

Using the same example, if you can't fight or run from the danger, your body will go into the immobilization state. This is an involuntary survival tactic when there is no escape. The immobilization state can be seen in the animal world when, for instance, a deer "plays dead" when it is about to be attacked by a tiger. This is the deer's last ditch effort to survive. The tiger will often lose interest in the deer once it "plays dead" because it prefers live prey and it knows instinctively that, if the deer is dead, dead meat might be diseased.

The immobilization response in humans allows the system to conserve energy. The numbing effect of the immobilization response can also create a decrease in the perception of pain, which can be helpful if an attack can't be avoided.

Once again, it's important to remember that this immobilization response is a survival response--it's not a conscious decision. 

How is the Immobilization Response Related to Trauma?

The immobilization response is also associated with overwhelming or traumatic events.

The following example is a composite of many cases to protect confidentiality:

Jane

One day when Jane was in the company break room, her coworker, Jim, approached her to ask her out for a date.

Since Jane wasn't interested in Jim, she looked away and told him she was too busy to go out.  

She was about to leave the break room when Jim, who was annoyed, cornered her in an aggressive way and said, "What do you mean? You don't ever have time to go out with me? Why don't you like me?"

In that moment, Jane, who had a childhood history of sexual abuse,  automatically froze. She was completely numb and dissociated because Jim's aggressive response triggered how she felt when her father abused her.  She was so numb that she couldn't think much less call out for help (see my articles: Why is Past Trauma Affecting You Now? and What is Trauma-Related Dissociation?).

A few seconds later, their supervisor came into the break room and realized what was happening. He told Jim to go back to his office. Then, he helped Jane to calm down. 

Afterwards, the supervisor and Jane reported the incident to human resources. Since human resources had prior similar complaints about Jim, he was terminated.

Over time, Jane realized she needed help to overcome the original abuse by her father, so she sought help in trauma therapy (see my article: How Can Trauma Therapy Help You to Overcome Trauma?).

People who don't understand the immobilization response or who have never been in a similar situation will often question why someone like Jane didn't either stand up for herself or push past Jim. But someone in Jane's situation can't fight or escape because her nervous system shut down due to prior unresolved trauma.

How to Recognize When You Feel Safe or Unsafe in Your Interpersonal Relationships

If you want to assess whether you feel safe or unsafe in your personal relationships, you can pay attention to your internal state:

Assess Your Internal State

• Do you feel calm?

• Do you have an embodied felt sense of being safe or unsafe?

An Embodied Feeling of Calm and Safety

• Do you feel comfortable being somewhat vulnerable when it's appropriate to do so?

• Do you feel comfortable setting limits or saying "no" without expecting repercussions from the other person or feeling guilty or ashamed?

Assess Their Attitude, Behavior and Physical Cues

• Do they respect your boundaries, including your personal space and time without trying to control you?

• Do they respect your thoughts and feelings or do they try to invalidate you if they don't agree?

• Are they attentive when you speak? Do they engage in active listening? Are they there for you in good times and bad?

Active Listening

• Do their actions match their words? Are they emotionally reliable? Do they follow through with their commitments?

• Do they encourage you? Do they celebrate your successes? Do they support you when you have challenges?

• Do they handle disagreements calmly and maturely so you don't have to worry about your personal safety either on an emotional or physical level?

• What does their body language tell you about their emotional state? Pay attention to vocal tone, eye contact, posture and facial expressions because their body language can indicate whether you are safe or not.

In a future article I'll discuss why many traumatized individuals have problems detecting whether they are safe in their interpersonal relationships.

Getting Help in Therapy

If you have been struggling with unresolved problems, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional who has an expertise in helping clients with these  types of problems.

Getting Help in Therapy

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed psychotherapist so you can resolve your problems and lead a more meaningful life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapies), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

For over 25 years I have helped many individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Article: What Are Glimmers and How Do They Give You a Sense of Ease, Safety and Joy?

What is Transference in Relationships?

I discussed the topic of transference in prior articles as it relates to psychotherapy (see the list of articles at the end of this article).

In the current article, I'm focusing on transference in relationships.

Aside from the transference that clients experience in therapy, transference can also occur in everyday relationships, especially romantic relationships.

Transference in Relationships

In general, transference occurs on an unconscious level when you redirect feelings, attitudes and behavior from the past onto a person in your current life. These can be both positive and negative feelings.

Transference can cause you to react to someone in your current life as if they were someone from your past.  Transference tends to happen more in intimate relationships.

This often leads to misunderstandings in your relationship and emotional responses that don't belong to the present relationship.  This usually occurs because you have unresolved issues from the past that get played out in your relationship.

One of the keys to having healthier relationships is to recognize and understand when you're transferring these feelings and attitudes from the past into your present circumstances (see my article: Learning to Separate Then From Now).

What Does Transference Look Like in Relationships?

• Redirecting Feelings: You redirect feelings from the past onto your current partner. 

• Unconscious Behavior: When you redirect feelings from the past onto your partner, this happens on an unconscious level. For instance, let's say you grew up with a critical father when you were a child and, now that you're an adult, your partner tries to be supportive by making a suggestion about how you can do something in a better way. If you're experiencing transference for your partner, you could hear their suggestion as being critical when it's not. If so, you could experience unexplained anxiety, anger or resentment towards your partner--similar to what you felt towards your critical father. You might get confused about your feelings in the current circumstances because the trigger is outside of your awareness (see my article: Coping With Triggers).

Transference in Relationships

• Replaying Old Patterns: You can replay old patterns from the past in your current relationship and, over time, this leads to unhealthy dynamics between you and your partner.

• Intense Reactions: As mentioned above, reacting to your partner as if they were someone from your past can lead to disproportionate reactions in your current relationship (see my article: Reacting to the Present Based on Your Past).

How Can You Manage Transference in Your Current Relationship?

• Develop Awareness: Notice when your reactions seem out of proportion to the situation. Ask yourself:
• Why am I having such a strong reaction to my partner when they're trying to be supportive?
• Have I felt this way before?
• When have I felt this way before?
• What was happening in that past situation?
• How do these feelings from the past remain unresolved for me?

• Be Aware of the Differences Between the Past and the Present: Be aware of how your partner is different from the person in your past. This is often easier said than done when you're trying to do it on your own (see my article: Making the Unconscious Conscious).

• Separate the Past From the Present: Make an effort to separate your past self from your present self. For instance, recognize that you're no longer a child struggling with this issue when you experienced it in the past. Also, separate your partner as an individual from the person you reacted to in the past. 

Transference in Relationships

• Communicate: Once you realize you reacted to your partner as if they were someone from the past, communicate this openly to your partner. This can help your partner to understand why you had such a strong reaction towards them. It can also help you to express your feelings under the current situation (as opposed to the past). You can also get clarification from your partner as to what they were actually trying to communicate to you as opposed to what you thought they were saying.

• Seek Help in Therapy: A licensed mental health professional, who is a trauma therapist, can help you to explore the origins of these feelings, learn how to cope with them and, ultimately, learn how to work through whatever unresolved traumatic feelings you have from the past (see my article: Working Through Unsolved Trauma From the Past So It No Longer Affects You in the Present).

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette is a composite of many different cases with all identifying information changed to protect confidentiality:

Jim

Jim and his wife, Tina, usually got along well. But whenever Jim heard Tina telling him how he could be more organized, no matter how kind and supportive she tried to say it, Jim experienced her comments as critical and he reacted angrily.

Transference in Relationships

Immediately after he reacted, he realized his reaction was out of proportion to what Tina was saying to him and he felt confused, guilty and ashamed. Then, he would apologize to Tina and tell her, "I'm sorry. I don't know what came over me. I realize now you're trying to be supportive, but when you said it, I got angry."

Tina usually accepted Jim's apology, but after this occurred several times, she suggested he get help in therapy because she was fed up with his reactions. 

She told him, "I'm afraid to make any kind of suggestion to you, but now that you're calm again, I think you should get help in therapy because you keep having these big reactions and I'm getting fed up."

Jim realized that, even though he felt regret and remorse for overreacting, if he continued to react this way towards Tina, she might leave him. So, he obtained a referral from his primary care physician for psychotherapy.

Jim's doctor referred him to a trauma specialist.

After getting a thorough family history, the trauma therapist helped Jim to realize his reaction belonged to unresolved issues with his father. She told him he was reacting to Tina as if she was his critical father.

Jim told his therapist that his father had a hair trigger temper and whenever Jim made a mistake as a child, instead of trying to be supportive and helpful, his father would lose his temper and criticize Jim.

Jim recalled that, over the course of his childhood, his father yelled at him many times for small mistakes. His father also humiliated him in front of his friends and other family members which left Jim feeling ashamed, angry and upset.

Since Jim's father died, it was no longer possible for Jim to work out these issues with him. But Jim also knew that even if his father was still alive, his father wouldn't have been open to talking about it.

Over time, Jim's therapist helped him to work through his unresolved feelings from the past using EMDR and Parts Work Therapy. 

The work was neither quick nor easy, but Jim stuck with it because he wanted to save his marriage and he didn't want to continue to reacting in the present based on unresolved issues from the past.

As Jim learned to be aware of the present versus the past and to communicate better with Tina, their relationship improved.

By the time he completed trauma therapy, Jim felt relieved to no longer being carrying a burden from the past.

Conclusion

Transference occurs on an unconscious level when you redirect feelings, attitudes and behavior from the past to someone in your present life.

Transference can occur in any relationship including with your partner, a friend, a family member or your therapist.

Getting Help in Therapy

When you learn to distinguish your unconscious feelings in the present from your unresolved feelings from the past, you can develop a more conscious awareness of what's happening to you.

Although you might realize after you react that you're really reacting to some unresolved issue from the past, your awareness might not be enough to keep you from continually reacting this way.

A licensed mental professional, who is trained to help clients to work through unresolved trauma is called a trauma therapist (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

A trauma therapist can help you to work through unresolved problems from the past so you're no longer getting triggered and overreacting with your partner.

Once you have worked through your unresolved problems, you can have a healthier relationship and live a more meaningful life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist

As a trauma therapist, I have helped many individual adults and couples to work through unresolved traumatic issues.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

My Other Articles About Transference:

What is Transference in Psychotherapy?

Psychotherapy and the Erotic Transference 

Boundary Violations in Therapy  

Psychotherapy and the Idealized Transference. 

Healing in Trauma Therapy: It's Never Too Late to Give Yourself a Good Childhood

Many people weren't lucky enough to have a good childhood because of childhood trauma. 

If you are like millions of other people who experienced childhood trauma, you might be relieved to know that you can overcome your traumatic childhood experiences through trauma therapy.

Healing in Trauma Therapy

As an Adult, How Can You Give Yourself a Good Childhood?

Since it's obvious that none of us can actually go back in time to change circumstances related to childhood trauma, you might wonder how you can heal so that you can give yourself a good childhood.

The answer is Experiential Trauma Therapy including:

• EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) Therapy 

• Somatic Experiencing Therapy

Healing in Trauma Therapy

• Parts Work Therapy 

• AEDP (Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy

and other trauma therapies can help you to work through psychological trauma with tools and strategies, like Imaginal Interweaves, to heal the traumatized younger parts of yourself (see my article: Imaginal Interweaves).

All of the therapies mentioned above are Experiential Therapies which differ from traditional psychotherapy because these therapies involve the mind-body connection (see my article: Why is Experiential Therapy More Effective Than Traditional Talk Therapy?)

Healing in Trauma Therapy

This means that you gain more than just intellectual insight. Instead, you have a more integrated mind and embodied experience that produces better results than traditional talk therapy (see my article: Healing From the Inside Out: Why Insight Isn't Enough).

With regard to reimagining your childhood, Imaginal Interweaves, which were developed by Dr. Laurel Parnell for Attachment-Focused EMDR Therapy, allows you to use the mind-body connection to heal trauma by providing you with healing experiences.

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette illustrates how Experiential Therapy, including Imaginal Interweaves, can heal childhood trauma:

Tom

After several painful breakups, Tom sought help with an Experiential Therapist to try to understand why he was having problems in relationships (see my article: How Trauma Can Affect Relationships).

He had been in traditional talk therapy before where he gained intellectual insight into how his trauma childhood had affected his ability to be in romantic relationships. He understood the connection between his childhood emotional neglect and abuse and his inability to connect with romantic partners. But even though he understood his problems, nothing changed. He continued to have the same relationship problems.

Whenever he began seeing someone new, he felt excited and open to the new relationship. However, as the relationship became more emotionally intimate, he had problems remaining emotionally available and open to his partner (see my article: What Does It Mean to Be Emotionally Available?).

Tom understood how the increasing emotional intimacy created anxiety for him and he knew it wasn't related to the particular woman he was in a relationship with--it was his own childhood experiences and his family history.

While he was in traditional talk therapy, whenever he felt himself shutting down with his partner, he tried to remember that his fear was coming from the past and not the present, but this didn't help him to remain emotionally open to his partner (see my article: Why is Past Trauma Affecting You Now?).

Healing in Trauma Therapy

Feeling frustrated, Tom sought help in EMDR Therapy, a type of Experiential Therapy, hoping he would have a different experience where he could do more than just understand his problem--he wanted to heal and to be emotionally vulnerable in his next relationship.

As part of EMDR therapy, his therapist used a combination of Imaginal Interweaves and Parts Work Therapy when he got stuck processing his childhood trauma (see my article: Using Imagery as a Powerful Tool in Trauma Therapy).

His trauma therapist told him that Imaginal Interweaves were one of many tools in Experiential Therapy and that these interweaves were in no way saying that he had a different experience in his childhood. Instead, these interweaves allowed him to have a new healing experience.

Tom imagined himself as an adult talking to his younger self who experienced his parents' emotional neglect and abuse. 

He reassured his younger self that he would protect him and he saw his adult self confront his parents about the abuse and take his younger self to a safe place where he comforted him.

His therapist reinforced and helped him to integrate his new positive experiences with EMDR Bilateral Stimulation using EMDR tappers.

Afterwards, Tom felt a sense of relief--as if his experience of himself began to shift.

In another session, Tom imagined he had ideal parents who were nothing like his actual parents. They were kind, loving and patient with him. 

Healing in Trauma Therapy

This work, which involved many sessions with Imaginal Interweaves, was neither quick nor easy. But over time Tom had a new sense of himself as a person who was more open and capable of emotional intimacy in his next relationship.

Instead of closing off emotionally, as he usually did, he was able to remain open and emotionally available with his new girlfriend as he healed from the source of his problems.

Conclusion

While you can't actually go back in time to change a traumatic childhood, you can heal and have a new experience of yourself using your imagination in Experiential Therapy.

The new experience in Experiential Therapy isn't just an intellectual process. It's an integrated mind-body oriented experience where you can experience yourself as free from the effects of your traumatic history.

Getting Help in Trauma Therapy

If you have unresolved trauma which has had a negative impact on your relationships and traditional therapy hasn't healed your trauma, you could benefit from seeing a licensed mental health professional who does Experiential Therapy (see my article: Healing Trauma Creatively).

Getting Help in Trauma Therapy

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help in Experiential Therapy to heal from unresolved trauma so you can live a more meaningful life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

As a trauma therapist, I have helped many individual adults and couples to heal from trauma.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Relationships: Dealing With Your Partner's Trauma Triggers - Compassion vs Complacency

Many partners of trauma survivors struggle with their partner's trauma triggers. 

They tell me they don't know what to do to help their partner when their partner becomes triggered.

This article discusses how to avoid responding complacently and how to respond with compassion instead.

What is the Difference Between Compassion vs Complacency?

For someone dealing with their partner's trauma triggers, there is a big difference between compassion and complacency.

Dealing With a Partner's Trauma Triggers

Compassion means offering patient, empathetic support to a partner while complacency involves a harmful indifference or dismissal of a partner's symptoms or efforts to recover from trauma.

A compassionate response helps to establish safety and connection while a complacent response can lead to resentment, emotional detachment and a breakdown of trust.

Let's look at the differences between compassion and complacency in more detail:

Complacency: A Damaging Response

Complacency occurs when a partner stops putting an effort to understand and support a partner's healing journey. This often occurs because the partner who isn't traumatized becomes fatigued or resentful. 

Dealing With a Partner's Trauma Triggers

This can take a heavy toll on the relationship because the partner with trauma feels unseen, unheard, unsafe and alone.

Signs of Complacency:

• Minimizing Your Partner's Feelings: Saying "It's not that big a deal" or "You're making a big deal out of nothing" invalidates a traumatized partner's experience

• Taking a Partner's Triggers Personally: Viewing a partner's trauma triggers as a personal attack, which leads to resentment and defensive behavior

Dealing With a Partner's Trauma Triggers

• Ignoring Triggers: A partner who refuses to adjust their behavior or the environment to accommodate a partner's needs which violates the traumatized partner's safety

• Withdrawing Emotionally: Becoming emotionally distant or apathetic to a partner's emotional needs which leads to emotional disconnection and a breakdown in communication

• Taking a Partner For Granted: A lack of affection and appreciation, as if the traumatized partner's presence is guaranteed which can make feelings of abandonment and worthlessness worse

Compassion - A Supportive Response

A compassionate partner tries to understand the origins of their partner's trauma response instead of reacting defensively to triggered behavior.  

Dealing With a Partner's Trauma Triggers

This approach helps to regulate a traumatized partner's nervous system and offers a steadying presence.

Signs of Compassion:

• Active Listening and Emotional Validation: Listening without judgment, "That sounds difficult. I'm here for you."

Dealing With Your Partner's Trauma Triggers

• Educating Yourself: Take the initiation to learn about trauma's effects on the brain and behavior to gain insight and perspective 

• Creating a Safe Environment: Work together to identify triggers and create a plan for when triggers occur. This might include agreed-upon actions or a "safe word" to use during moments of high distress

• Respecting Boundaries: Honor a traumatized partner's needs for space or control, which is essential for trauma survivors who might have had their boundaries violated

• Patience: A recognition that healing from trauma isn't a linear process and there will be ups and downs along the way (see my article: Progress in Therapy Isn't Linear).

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette, which is a composite of many different cases, illustrates how a partner shifts his behavior from a complacent to a compassionate stance:

Ed and Mary

Before they moved in together, Ed was aware that Mary had been sexually abused as a child, but her triggers became more evident once they were living together.

Ed had a favorite TV police program he liked to watch where the characters in the program were regularly sexually abused as part of the story. 

He couldn't understand why Mary got so triggered whenever he watched the program when she was around. He felt annoyed when Mary said she needed to stop watching the program because she felt like she was about to have a panic attack.

Ed would tell Mary, "Why are you getting so upset? It's only a TV show." 

He also felt Mary was trying to control him whenever she left the room when that program was on, "You need to get over these triggers. Your abuse happened a long time ago. Why are you being so dramatic?'

At her wit's end, Mary invited Ed to attend one of her trauma therapy sessions so her therapist could help Ed to understand and empathize with Mary's trauma reactions.

Dealing With Your Partner's Trauma Triggers

Afterwards, Ed felt ashamed and guilty for his behavior. He told Mary that she was more important to him than any TV program and he wouldn't watch the program when she was around.

He also sought to understand what happened to Mary by asking her questions, which helped to increase his compassion for her.

Over time, Ed noticed that Mary was healing and he validated the hard work she was doing in trauma therapy.

Gradually, Ed's compassion and emotional support for Mary helped to bring them closer together.

Conclusion

A complacent response to a partner's trauma is damaging for the traumatized partner and the relationship.

Dealing With Your Partner's Trauma Triggers

Being compassionate and understanding can support your partner's healing journey.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist

As a Trauma Therapist, I have helped many individual adults and couples to heal from trauma.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.