How to Cope With Parents Who Are Trying to Guilt Trip You As An Adult

Parents who try to guilt trip you into doing what they want are usually emotionally immature. Rather than trying to placate them, you need to find healthy ways of dealing with their behavior.

What is Guilt Tripping?

Guilt tripping is when someone tries to manipulate you to control your behavior.

Coping With Guilt Tripping Parents

Aside from wanting to control your behavior, guilt tripping violates your boundaries.

What Are the Signs of Guilt Tripping?

• They Become Passive Aggressive: Instead of being outwardly aggressive, they make passive aggressive or sarcastic comments like, "Well, I guess if you can't come over this Sunday, I'll have to spend the day alone" (passive aggressive) or "Oh sure, don't worry about me, but I won't be around forever" (see my article: Coping With Family Members' Passive Aggressive Comments).

• They Try to Gaslight You: They might try to twist your words or distort the truth to make you question your intentions and behavior, "I don't know why you would rather be with your friends than come here to visit your father and me. Your friends won't always be there for you like we have been" or "You're the reason why your dad and I are unhappy."

• They Give You the Silent Treatment and Become Emotionally Distant: They stop communicating with you and ignore your calls, email and text. This is a form of emotional abuse to punish, gain power over and manipulate.

Coping With Guilt Tripping Parents

• They Remind You About Your Past Mistakes: This is another form of manipulation to try to make you feel like you owe them something. For example: "You're going out with your boyfriend instead of coming to see me? You always make bad relationship choices. Remember, I was who was there for you when you were hurt and upset about your last relationship."

• They Make Negative Comparisons: They might compare you to a sibling, another family member or a friend, "Your sister always comes over every Sunday, but you only come every two weeks."

• They Try to Make You Think It's All Your Fault: They won't take responsibility for their own actions. Instead, they blame you, "Your mother and I have tried to do everything to improve our relationship with you, but you just do things to make it worse."

How to Cope With Parents Who Are Trying to Guilt Trip You

Understand the impact guilt Tripping is having on you: Some people are very good at guilt tripping until they get you to feel the way they want you to feel and do what they want you to do.

Signs Your Parents Guilt Tripping is Affecting You

Recognize the signs that you're being affected by your parents' guilt tripping:

• You Feel Obligated to Them: You feel like you "owe" your parents--even when you know their demands are unreasonable.

Coping With Guilt Tripping Parents

• You Over-justify Your Actions: You keep defending or explaining your actions to your parents.

• You Feel Like Nothing You Do is Good Enough For Your Parents: You might feel like no matter how hard you try, nothing you do is ever good enough for your parents and you'll never be able to please them.

How to Cope With Parents Who Are Trying to Guilt Trip You

• Shift Your Perspective and Be Aware That You're Not Responsible For Your Parents' Feelings: If you're not actively trying to hurt your parents, you're not responsible if they feel hurt or angry that you're not doing what they want you to do. For instance, if you already have plans with a friend and your parents want you to come over on the same day, you have a right to stick with your plans and not try to appease your parents because they tell you you're making them feel hurt. 

• Set Clear Boundaries With Your Parents: Although it can be challenging, you might need to set boundaries with your parents. Let them know what is and isn't acceptable (see my article: Setting Boundaries With Family Members).

Coping With Guilt Tripping Parents

• Prioritize Your Needs: If your parents have been successful at guilt tripping you, you might feel like your needs are insignificant compared to theirs. Be aware you're doing this and make an agreement with yourself to prioritize your own needs.

• Validate Their Feelings: If you detect they have underlying feelings that they're not expressing, validate their feelings. For example, if they try to make you feel guilty about not coming to see them and you detect that their underlying feeling is that they miss you and want to spend time with you, validate that. At the same time, don't give up on your plans to appease them. Instead, you can suggest another day when you can get together with them (if you want to spend time with them).

Coping With Guilt Tripping Parents

• Get Emotional Support From Supportive Friends: Talk to trusted friends who will be emotionally supportive. If you feel apprehensive about talking with your parents and setting boundaries with them, you can "bookend" that conversation by talking to a trusted friend before and after your conversation with your parents. You might even arrange to have these bookended conversation with your friends in advance. 

Get Help in Therapy

The impact of guilt tripping can be traumatic.

Get Help in Therapy

Among other things, lifelong guilt tripping can make you susceptible to getting into a relationship with a partner who also tries to manipulate you with guilt and you might not even be aware of it because it seems "normal" to you.

A skilled mental health professional, who is a trauma specialist, can help you to heal from trauma so you can live a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Parts Work Therapist (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

As a Trauma Therapist, one of my specialties is helping clients to overcome trauma.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Understanding Dismissive Behavior

I've written about emotional validation in relationships before (see my article: What is Emotional Validation and Why Is It Such a Powerful Skill in a Relationship?).

Understanding Dismissive Behavior

In the current article I'm focusing on invalidating and dismissive behavior.

What is Dismissive Behavior?

Dismissive or invalidating behavior includes:

• Devaluing someone's concerns
• Minimizing someone's thoughts and feelings
• Eye rolling 
• Sarcasm
• Interrupting the other person and changing the subject
• Stonewalling (the "silent treatment")
  
• Completely ignoring someone's concerns

I will be using the terms dismissive and invalidating behavior, which are the same, interchangeably throughout this article.

Dismissive behavior can occur in relationships, friendships, social situations, work settings and any other setting where there are two or more people.

What Causes Dismissive Behavior?

Dismissive behavior is usually rooted in various underlying experiences.

It's important to understand the cause of dismissive behavior in order to have empathy for the  person who is being dismissive and find ways to address this behavior.  

Here are some of the most common causes:

• Lack of Awareness: Some individuals might lack self awareness about their dismissive behavior and the impact on others (see my article: What is Self Reflective Awareness?).

• Insecurity or Defensiveness: Individuals who feel insecure or defensive might engage in dismissive behavior in order to protect themselves emotionally.

• Childhood Experiences: Individuals who grew up in an environment where their thoughts and emotions were invalidated, learned to dismiss other's experiences.

Understanding Dismissive Behavior

• Cultural or Societal Norms: People who grew up in a culture or a society where emotional expression was discouraged learn to dismiss others' emotional expressions.

Understanding Dismissive Behavior

• Power Dynamics: Dismissive behavior often occurs in workplace dynamics, especially where the person who is being dismissive is in a higher position.

Vignettes

The following vignettes, which are composites of many different cases, illustrates dismissive behavior in various settings:

• Family Dynamics: After considering how to approach her older sister, Jean, for months, Tina invited Jean, over for coffee to talk about Jean's dismissive behavior. Once they were settled in Tina's kitchen, Tina told Jean she felt hurt by Jean's dismissive behavior. Specifically, Tina felt hurt when she tried to talk to Jean a few weeks before about how she was affected by Jean hitting her and making fun of her when they were children. Initially, Jean dismissed this like she had before, "That was so long ago. You need to get over it." Even though this was hurtful for Tina to hear, she persisted and told her how Jean's behavior affected her during their childhood and even into early adulthood. She also talked about how this behavior affected her feelings for Jean. At that point, Jean realized this was important. She listened carefully to Tina and expressed her sincere apology. She also told her she didn't want to lose her and asked her how she could make it up to her. Tina felt relieved that Jean was taking her seriously. They both agreed to keep talking and to find ways to strengthen their bond. Over time, Jean realized she was also emotionally dismissed by their father. She thought about how this affected her and promised Tina she would stop being dismissive.

Understanding Dismissive Behavior

• Relationships: A few months into their relationship, Renee confronted her boyfriend, Tom, about his dismissive behavior. Initially, Tom shrugged it off and told Renee, "You're being too sensitive." But when Renee told him she didn't want to be in a relationship with a man who dismissed her feelings, Tom took her seriously. He told Renee he loved her and he didn't want this to come between them. He realized he also heard a similar complaint from his best friend, so he decided to get help in therapy to become more self aware and learn how to stop engaging in this behavior.

Understanding Dismissive Behavior

• Friendships: Lena and Ginny were best friends since childhood. Lena always felt inferior to Ginny because she thought Ginny was more attractive and she knew how to navigate social situations with ease. After Lena began therapy, she realized there was another reason why she felt inferior to Ginny: Ginny tended to dismiss Lena's feelings. When she realized this, Lena summoned her courage to talk to Ginny about it.  Ginny was shocked. She told Lena she didn't realize she was being dismissive and she never would intentionally hurt Lena's feelings. She told Lena she would be more aware of her behavior so she wouldn't ruin their friendship.

Understanding Dismissive Behavior

• Power Dynamics at Work: Whenever John made suggestions in the staff meetings, his boss, Ed, would either dismissive John's ideas as being unworkable or he would ignore them altogether. He frequently responded to John by rolling his eyes or making sarcastic remarks which was hurtful and humiliating for John. But when John discovered that Ed talked to the company vice president, Nick, about one of John's ideas and Ed tried to pass it off as his own, John felt angry. In response, John spoke to his human resources representative, Liz, to ask her how he should handle the situation. She called a meeting with John, Ed, Nick and another manager, Gail, who had been at the staff meeting who heard John make the suggestion that Ed was now taking credit for with Nick. As soon as the topic was brought up in that meeting, Ed realized Gail knew it wasn't his idea. Initially, he tried to pretend he forgot it was John's idea. When he realized no one believed him, he apologized to John. After that, Ed stopped dismissing John's ideas and he treated him in a respectful way.

Here are some proactive strategies if you feel your feelings are being dismissed in a personal relationship:

• Develop Self Awareness: Consider your own behavior and whether you're also contributing to the problem by engaging in dismissive behavior.

• Practice Empathy: The other person's dismissive behavior might be unintentional. In other words, they might not realize they're being dismissive. Try to understand the underlying causes and approach the person with empathy rather than outward displays of anger or defensiveness.

Understanding Dismissive Behavior

• Set Boundaries: Communicate your expectations in a clear way. Let the other person know how their dismissive behavior affects you. Instead of being accusatory, use "I" statements to keep the focus on the effect this behavior has on you and why it's important to resolve this problem (see my article: How to Set Boundaries Without Guilt).

• Seek Support in Therapy: If you're unable to resolve the problem, seek help in therapy to gain insight and learn effective strategies to deal with your situation.

Getting Help in Therapy

As mentioned earlier, addressing dismissive behavior can be challenging.

Getting Help in Therapy

A skilled psychotherapist can help you to develop the necessary tools and strategies for addressing someone's dismissive behavior. 

A trauma therapist can help you to overcome the traumatic impact of longstanding dismissive behavior.

Rather than struggling alone, seek help so you can lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

How Do You Know If You're Ready to Seek Help in Trauma Therapy?

Many people procrastinate getting help in therapy to deal with unresolved trauma (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

One the one hand, it's understandable that people want to think carefully before beginning trauma therapy because it's a commitment. 

Getting Help in Trauma Therapy

On the other hand, it's possible to procrastinate and overthink it to the point where years go by and you're still dealing with the impact of unresolved trauma.

How Do You Know If You're Ready to Seek Help in Trauma Therapy?

Here are some characteristics that would be helpful:

• Some Awareness and Curiosity of the Impact of the Trauma: You have some awareness that traumatic circumstances in your life have had a negative impact on you. You might not understand the full impact, but you have a sense that your traumatic history is creating problems in your present life (see my article: Why is Past Trauma Affecting You Now?).

Getting Help in Trauma Therapy

• A Desire and Willingness to Change: In addition to being aware of the problem, you have a desire and willingness to change. This includes realizing that working through trauma isn't a quick fix process (see my article: Developing Internal Motivation to Change).

• Feeling Emotionally Ready to Start the Process: You are at a point in your life when you feel ready emotionally to begin the process. Your trauma therapist will help you develop the necessary tools and skills to prepare for processing the trauma. The length of time for the preparation phase of trauma therapy varies depending upon a client's particular circumstances.

• Having the Time to Commit to the Process: You understand that trauma therapy involves a commitment of time and you can commit to once-a-week trauma therapy to work through yout traumatic history.

• A Willingness to Confront the Problem: Although you know it will be challenging, you are willing to confront the problem with help and support from your therapist. 

• An Openness to Emotional Vulnerability: You understand working on the problem will involve opening up emotionally to traumatic events from the past, but that you're in charge of deciding when you're ready to start processing the trauma and your therapist will assess with you the timing of the processing.

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette is a composite of many cases (to protect confidentiality) and illustrates one possible pathway for the decision-making process:

Anna

A few years after Anna graduated college, she was aware she was having problems connecting on an emotional and sexual level with men.  

She watched videos, listened to podcasts and read articles about psychological trauma, so she had some awareness that there was something in her history that was affecting her in her present life.

Initially, she was afraid to seek help in therapy because she was feared therapy would be too overwhelming, so she thought about it for a several years and kept putting it off. But when she heard about a close friend's experience with trauma therapy, she became curious for herself.

Getting Help in Trauma Therapy

Her friend, Carol, told Anna she was also scared to start trauma therapy at first, but she felt motivated to get help because her relationship with John was getting serious and she realized she was worrying she might create the same tumultuous relationship her parents and she really didn't want to that.

Carol told Anna that, after talking to another friend about trauma therapy, she got curious to find out what it was about. So, she had an hourlong consultation with a trauma therapist who described the process to her and she realized the therapist would go at Carol's pace. She also realized she felt comfortable with this therapist.

Carol also told Anna her therapist prepared her to process her traumatic family history using EMDR Therapy. Carol said the therapist also used Parts Work Therapy. 

Carol said she learned so much about herself and, even though she was still processing the trauma, she was beginning to feel like a weight was being lifted from her. 

She also began to realize she wouldn't repeat her parents' dysfunctional patterns and it was possible for her to have a healthy relationship with John.

Anna trusted Carol. She also knew she wanted to be more open emotionally and sexually so she could eventually get into a relationship. So she set up a consultation with another trauma therapist who was recommended to her.

During the consultation, the trauma therapist asked her what she wanted to work on in therapy. In addition, the therapist explained the different types of trauma therapy she did including:

• EMDR Therapy (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing)

• AEDP (Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Processing)

• Parts Work Therapy

• Somatic Experiencing

• Hypnotherapy (also known as Clinical Hypnosis)

She also explained the preparation phase of trauma therapy and that it would be Anna's decision when she felt ready to go on to the next stage, processing the trauma.

After her initial consultation, her trauma therapist helped Anna to develop the skills and tools she needed to process her trauma. 

When both Anna and her therapist felt she was ready, they began working on processing her trauma keeping in mind Anna's goal of becoming more emotionally and sexually open.

Over time, Anna noticed small positive changes in herself where she began to feel more open and curious about opening up emotionally and sexually.

Her therapist told her that setbacks are a normal part of the therapy process on the road to healing, so Anna wasn't surprised when she had a minor setback.

Getting Help in Trauma Therapy

When Anna began dating Bill, she felt more comfortable with him than she had ever felt in the past with other men. He was willing to take things slowly until they dated for a while.  

Over time, as she continued to process her childhood history in trauma therapy, Anna was able to open up to be more vulnerable with Bill.

She also enjoyed her therapy sessions, even though she had to process difficult memories, because she was learning about herself and she was opening up to new possibilities in her life.

Getting Help in Trauma Therapy

If you have been on the fence for a while about getting help in therapy, you can start by contacting a therapist for a consultation.

Use the time in the consultation to ask about the therapy process, how the therapist works and any other questions you might have about trauma therapy.

Getting Help in Trauma Therapy

You might need to have more than one appointment to tell if you feel comfortable with the therapist or you might need to see a few therapists before you know which one to choose (see my article: How to Choose a Therapist).

Freeing yourself from your traumatic history can lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and  Certified Sex Therapist.

I have over 20 years of experience as a trauma therapist helping individual adults and couples to overcome traumatic experiences.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

What is Hypervigilance and How is it Related to Unresolved Psychological Trauma?

Hypervigilance is a heightened state of awareness that allows humans to sense threats in their environment.

Hypervigilance and Psychological Trauma

People who are in a perpetual state of hypervigilance feel like they are constantly under a threat.  The part of the human brain that manages emotions, the amygdala, is in overdrive.

What Causes Hypervigilance?

This article focuses on psychological trauma. However, there are other potential mental and physical causes of hypervigilance including:

• Anxiety
  

• Panic Attacks
  

• Depression
  

• Dementia

• Adrenal Disorders

• Fibromyalgia 

Hypervigilance and Unresolved Childhood Trauma

Children who grow up in a dysfunctional family where parents might be unpredictable, violent, abusing substances, physically abusive or neglectful learn to be hypervigilant as an unconscious survival strategy. They learn to sense their parents' shifting moods so they can be ready at all times to protect their safety.

Hypervigilance and Unresolved Childhood Trauma

Without help in therapy, these traumatized children usually grow up to be traumatized adults and they continue to be hypervigilant in their surroundings.

Examples of Hypervigilance in Adults

• Hypervigilance to Their Surroundings: People who grew up in an abusive family or who experienced abusive relationships as an adult might have a strong startle response reflex where they are startled by the slightest sound or movement.

• Hypervigilance to Other People's Thoughts, Feelings and Behavior: People who experience hypervigilance might be very observant of other people's thoughts, feelings, behavior and body language for any signs of change or potential danger.

• Hypervigilance of Their Own Body: People who experience serious medical problems or who have someone close to them who have experienced serious medical problems are often hypervigilant of their own body. A minor experience of pain might be perceived as a catastrophic disease.

Hypervigilance and Catastrophizinglo

• Hypervigilance and Catastrophizing: People who are hypervigilant tend to create negative narratives in their mind which can spin out of control. Small things, like a friend not responding to a text immediately, can develop into a catastrophic story where the friend has died. Even when things are going well, people who are hypervigilant might find it difficult to enjoy happy times because they are always waiting for the other shoe to drop (see my article: Are You Catastrophizing?).

• Hypervigilance and Insecurities: Since hypervigilance is mostly about preventing or avoiding potential threats, people who are hypervigilant might attempt to ward off threats by people pleasing or fawning. They might struggle with regulating their emotions or trusting others. They might have problems letting their guard down so they can relax or they might be fearful they will say or do the "wrong thing" (see my article: Trauma and the Fawn Response

• Hypervigilance and Avoidant Behavior: People who struggle with hypervigilance can be avoidant in ways that are detrimental to themselves and others. They might avoid people, places and things they fear. This can cause problems in their personal life as well as their career. For instance, if they experience minor turbulence on a plane trip, they might avoid ever getting on a plane again--even if it means they won't see close friends or family members or they might lose a job that involves travel. Another example is if someone is in a minor car accident where no one was hurt, they might avoid driving again--even if it means they can't visit people close to them or go to work.  A third example: If someone goes through a bad breakup, they might avoid dating or getting into another relationship. In other words, many other people, who don't experience hypervigilance, might be hesitant after having a bad relationship experience, but they learn to cope and they don't avoid.  In contrast, the person who is hypervigilant takes it to an extreme because it's their way of protecting themselves. However, in the process, they don't learn to cope or overcome their fears. They remain stuck (see my article: What is Avoidant Behavior?).

What is the Potential Physical and Psychological Impact of Hypervigilance?

People who experience hypervigilance might experience some or all of the following characteristics:

• Chronic Stress: A constant flood of cortisol and adrenaline is exhausting and can cause medical, emotional and psychological problems.

Hypervigilance and Relationship Problems

• Relationship Problems: While people who experience hypervigilance might be more aware of potential red flags in a relationship, they might also have problems getting close or trusting even in a healthy situation. They might be overly sensitive or emotionally overreactive to a partner's comments. Some people might avoid getting involved in relationships at all because o they fear getting hurt (see my article: How Trauma Can Affect Your Ability to Be Emotionally Vulnerable in a Romantic Relationship).

Hypervigilance, Loneliness and Isolaton

• Loneliness and Isolation: A fear of making friends or seeking romantic relationships due to fear of getting hurt, can lead to isolation and loneliness (see my article: Loneliness and Social Isolation).

How to Cope With Hypervigilance

Here are some interventions that might be helpful to you:

• Grounding Exercises: You can learn to calm yourself with breathing exercises, mindfulness meditation and journaling.

Coping with Hypervigilance By Meditating

• Limiting or Eliminating Coffee, Alcohol or Other Substances: If you notice you feel worse after drinking coffee or alcohol, consider either limiting your intake or eliminating these substances.

• Seeking Help in Trauma Therapy: If you work with a trauma therapist, you can learn to: 

• Identify your triggers

• Learn to overcome your triggers

• Be able to differentiate your feelings from objective reality (see my article: Discovering Your Thoughts and Feelings Aren't Facts)

• Work through the psychological trauma underlying your hypervigilance so you are free from your traumatic history

Getting Help in Trauma Therapy

Trauma therapy includes various types of therapy that were developed specifically to help people to overcome trauma. 

These include:

• EMDR Therapy (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing Therapy)

• Somatic Experiencing
  

• AEDP (Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy)

• Hypnotherapy
  

• Parts Work Therapy (including Internal Family Systems Therapy and Ego States Therapy)

When you work with a skilled trauma therapist, you can overcome hypervigilance and unresolved psychological trauma.

Getting Help in Trauma Therapy

Rather than struggling nn your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who is a trauma therapist so you can lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples) and Certified Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles:

8 Tips For Coping With Triggers

What is the Difference Between Trauma and PTSD (Posttraumatic Stress Disorder)

What is Trauma-Related Dissociation?

Learning to Embrace Your Emotional Vulnerability

I have written about emotional vulnerability in prior articles, including Vulnerability as a Pathway to Greater Emotional Intimacy.

In the current article I'm discussing vulnerability as a strength and how to embrace vulnerability.

Why is Emotional Vulnerability Not a Weakness?

Many people feel some degree of discomfort when they reveal their emotional vulnerability in  their personal relationships. But, according to Brene Brown, researcher and motivational speaker, people who approach relationships in a wholehearted way know that vulnerability is essential to develop and maintain close relationships. 

Some people who struggle with emotional vulnerability believe vulnerability is a weakness. But, in fact, emotional vulnerability is not a weakness--it's a strength.

Emotional vulnerability shows courage and authenticity in intimate relationships.

Embracing Vulnerability

The wholehearted people in Brene Brown's research tended to take more emotional risks, even though they felt some degree of discomfort. Even though they knew they might be rejected, criticized or judged, they took risks because they felt being authentic and having meaningful relationships made the risk worthwhile. 

Embracing Emotional Vulnerability

Fear of being emotionally vulnerable is usually coupled with shame ,which is a topic I''ll discuss in my next article.

Vulnerability also means revealing your true self (see my article: Becoming Your True Self).

Being open, honest and revealing your true self, even when it's scary, helps to build stronger relationships. 

Embracing Emotional Vulnerability

Vulnerability creates the possibility for empathy, understanding and a stronger connection with the people you care about.

Reflecting on your feelings before you express them also helps you to develop self awareness and self reflective capacity.

In addition, being vulnerable by expressing your feelings provides an opportunity for loved ones to give you emotional support. 

Whereas holding in your feelings can create stress, expressing your feelings and getting support helps to reduce stress and stress-related health problems (see my article: Expressing Your Feelings in a Healthy Way)

Getting emotional support also helps to improve your overall well-being.

As you develop an increased capacity to be emotionally vulnerable, you increase your potential for personal growth and experiencing positive changes in your life.

How to Learn to Embrace Vulnerability

• Acknowledge Your Fears: Start by acknowledging to yourself what scares you about being emotionally vulnerable. Then, challenge your negative beliefs about vulnerability.

• Write in a Journal: Write in a journal to become more aware of your thoughts and feelings. This will also help you to express yourself with others (see my article: The Benefits of Journal Writing).

Embracing Emotional Vulnerability

• Practice Self Compassion: Treat yourself with the same kindness and compassion as you would with a close friend or loved one (see my article: Acceptance and Self Compassion).

• Practice Mindfulness: If you practice being present with your thoughts and feelings, you can become more self aware. Being present can also help you to deal with emotional vulnerability (see my article: The Mind-Body Connection: Mindfulness Meditation)

• Start Small: Start by journaling and talking to a trusted loved one about your thoughts and feelings. Being in a safe and private environment is also important.

• Acknowledge and Embrace Your Mistakes: Acknowledging and embracing your mistakes with self compassion takes strength and courage and can help you to develop a sense of comfort with being vulnerable (see my article: Overcome Your Fear of Making Mistakes).

• Acknowledge Your Strengths: Appreciating your strengths can build self confidence.

• Challenge Your Negative Beliefs: Challenge your fears about what others might think about you if you express your vulnerability.

• Get Help in Therapy: Seek help from a licensed mental health professional who has the necessary skills and expertise to help you embrace vulnerability if self help tips aren't enough.

Clinical Vignette: How to Embrace Emotional Vulnerability

The following clinical vignette is a composite of many cases to protect confidentiality:

Nina

Nina felt discouraged about ever being able to maintain a relationship.  Although she confided in her close friends, she had problems opening up in relationships (see my article: Fear of Being Emotionally Vulnerable in a Relationship).

Embracing Emotional Vulnerability

Her last three relationships ended after her partners told her they felt she was holding back emotionally. 

She realized she was too scared to open up emotionally in her relationships. She also felt that if any of her partners knew the "real Nina", they wouldn't like her (see my article: Overcoming Your Fear That People Won't Like the "Real You").

When she started therapy to overcome her problem with emotional vulnerability, she revealed to her therapist that her parents always told her that emotional vulnerability was a "weakness".

She told her therapist that, even though she knew how important being vulnerable is to developing and sustaining a relationship, she didn't know how to be vulnerable.

Her therapist acknowledged Nina's strength in recognizing she didn't know how to be vulnerable and in seeking help in therapy.

In addition to providing Nina with tools she could use on her own, like journaling and  mindfulness skills, her therapist, who was a trauma therapist, helped Nina to work through the negative beliefs about vulnerability she learned from her parents.

Her therapist used EMDR therapy, AEDP and Parts Work to work through the early childhood trauma and shame that made it difficult for Nina to show her emotional vulnerability.

When Nina started dating someone new that she really liked, her therapist helped her to practice showing emotional vulnerability by starting in small ways.

As she became more comfortable, over time, Nina was able to open up more. Her willingness to be vulnerable allowed this new person in her life to also open up.

Over time, they were able to build a strong foundation for a relationship.

Conclusion

Contrary to what many people believe, emotional vulnerability is a strength--not a weakness.

Even though most people feel some degree of discomfort with being emotionally vulnerable, people who overcome their discomfort are aware that showing vulnerability is essential to having an emotionally intimate relationship.

Even if you grew up with negative beliefs about vulnerability, you can overcome these negative beliefs.

Next Article: What is the Connection Between Emotional Vulnerability and Shame?

Getting Help in Therapy

If you have been unable to overcome your fear of vulnerability on your own, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional who has expertise in this area.

Getting Help in Therapy

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help in therapy so you can be your authentic self and lead a more meaningful life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I have over 20 years of experience helping individual adults and couples (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.