What is Transference in Relationships?

I discussed the topic of transference in prior articles as it relates to psychotherapy (see the list of articles at the end of this article).

In the current article, I'm focusing on transference in relationships.

Aside from the transference that clients experience in therapy, transference can also occur in everyday relationships, especially romantic relationships.

Transference in Relationships

In general, transference occurs on an unconscious level when you redirect feelings, attitudes and behavior from the past onto a person in your current life. These can be both positive and negative feelings.

Transference can cause you to react to someone in your current life as if they were someone from your past.  Transference tends to happen more in intimate relationships.

This often leads to misunderstandings in your relationship and emotional responses that don't belong to the present relationship.  This usually occurs because you have unresolved issues from the past that get played out in your relationship.

One of the keys to having healthier relationships is to recognize and understand when you're transferring these feelings and attitudes from the past into your present circumstances (see my article: Learning to Separate Then From Now).

What Does Transference Look Like in Relationships?

• Redirecting Feelings: You redirect feelings from the past onto your current partner. 

• Unconscious Behavior: When you redirect feelings from the past onto your partner, this happens on an unconscious level. For instance, let's say you grew up with a critical father when you were a child and, now that you're an adult, your partner tries to be supportive by making a suggestion about how you can do something in a better way. If you're experiencing transference for your partner, you could hear their suggestion as being critical when it's not. If so, you could experience unexplained anxiety, anger or resentment towards your partner--similar to what you felt towards your critical father. You might get confused about your feelings in the current circumstances because the trigger is outside of your awareness (see my article: Coping With Triggers).

Transference in Relationships

• Replaying Old Patterns: You can replay old patterns from the past in your current relationship and, over time, this leads to unhealthy dynamics between you and your partner.

• Intense Reactions: As mentioned above, reacting to your partner as if they were someone from your past can lead to disproportionate reactions in your current relationship (see my article: Reacting to the Present Based on Your Past).

How Can You Manage Transference in Your Current Relationship?

• Develop Awareness: Notice when your reactions seem out of proportion to the situation. Ask yourself:
• Why am I having such a strong reaction to my partner when they're trying to be supportive?
• Have I felt this way before?
• When have I felt this way before?
• What was happening in that past situation?
• How do these feelings from the past remain unresolved for me?

• Be Aware of the Differences Between the Past and the Present: Be aware of how your partner is different from the person in your past. This is often easier said than done when you're trying to do it on your own (see my article: Making the Unconscious Conscious).

• Separate the Past From the Present: Make an effort to separate your past self from your present self. For instance, recognize that you're no longer a child struggling with this issue when you experienced it in the past. Also, separate your partner as an individual from the person you reacted to in the past. 

Transference in Relationships

• Communicate: Once you realize you reacted to your partner as if they were someone from the past, communicate this openly to your partner. This can help your partner to understand why you had such a strong reaction towards them. It can also help you to express your feelings under the current situation (as opposed to the past). You can also get clarification from your partner as to what they were actually trying to communicate to you as opposed to what you thought they were saying.

• Seek Help in Therapy: A licensed mental health professional, who is a trauma therapist, can help you to explore the origins of these feelings, learn how to cope with them and, ultimately, learn how to work through whatever unresolved traumatic feelings you have from the past (see my article: Working Through Unsolved Trauma From the Past So It No Longer Affects You in the Present).

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette is a composite of many different cases with all identifying information changed to protect confidentiality:

Jim

Jim and his wife, Tina, usually got along well. But whenever Jim heard Tina telling him how he could be more organized, no matter how kind and supportive she tried to say it, Jim experienced her comments as critical and he reacted angrily.

Transference in Relationships

Immediately after he reacted, he realized his reaction was out of proportion to what Tina was saying to him and he felt confused, guilty and ashamed. Then, he would apologize to Tina and tell her, "I'm sorry. I don't know what came over me. I realize now you're trying to be supportive, but when you said it, I got angry."

Tina usually accepted Jim's apology, but after this occurred several times, she suggested he get help in therapy because she was fed up with his reactions. 

She told him, "I'm afraid to make any kind of suggestion to you, but now that you're calm again, I think you should get help in therapy because you keep having these big reactions and I'm getting fed up."

Jim realized that, even though he felt regret and remorse for overreacting, if he continued to react this way towards Tina, she might leave him. So, he obtained a referral from his primary care physician for psychotherapy.

Jim's doctor referred him to a trauma specialist.

After getting a thorough family history, the trauma therapist helped Jim to realize his reaction belonged to unresolved issues with his father. She told him he was reacting to Tina as if she was his critical father.

Jim told his therapist that his father had a hair trigger temper and whenever Jim made a mistake as a child, instead of trying to be supportive and helpful, his father would lose his temper and criticize Jim.

Jim recalled that, over the course of his childhood, his father yelled at him many times for small mistakes. His father also humiliated him in front of his friends and other family members which left Jim feeling ashamed, angry and upset.

Since Jim's father died, it was no longer possible for Jim to work out these issues with him. But Jim also knew that even if his father was still alive, his father wouldn't have been open to talking about it.

Over time, Jim's therapist helped him to work through his unresolved feelings from the past using EMDR and Parts Work Therapy. 

The work was neither quick nor easy, but Jim stuck with it because he wanted to save his marriage and he didn't want to continue to reacting in the present based on unresolved issues from the past.

As Jim learned to be aware of the present versus the past and to communicate better with Tina, their relationship improved.

By the time he completed trauma therapy, Jim felt relieved to no longer being carrying a burden from the past.

Conclusion

Transference occurs on an unconscious level when you redirect feelings, attitudes and behavior from the past to someone in your present life.

Transference can occur in any relationship including with your partner, a friend, a family member or your therapist.

Getting Help in Therapy

When you learn to distinguish your unconscious feelings in the present from your unresolved feelings from the past, you can develop a more conscious awareness of what's happening to you.

Although you might realize after you react that you're really reacting to some unresolved issue from the past, your awareness might not be enough to keep you from continually reacting this way.

A licensed mental professional, who is trained to help clients to work through unresolved trauma is called a trauma therapist (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

A trauma therapist can help you to work through unresolved problems from the past so you're no longer getting triggered and overreacting with your partner.

Once you have worked through your unresolved problems, you can have a healthier relationship and live a more meaningful life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist

As a trauma therapist, I have helped many individual adults and couples to work through unresolved traumatic issues.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

My Other Articles About Transference:

What is Transference in Psychotherapy?

Psychotherapy and the Erotic Transference 

Boundary Violations in Therapy  

Psychotherapy and the Idealized Transference. 

Relationships: What is Attraction?

Attraction plays an essential role in all relationships whether they are romantic, platonic or collegial.

What is Attraction?

When you understand why you're attracted (or not) to others, including your spouse or partner, you can gain a deeper understanding into how you form connections and develop relationships.

What is Attraction?

There are conscious and unconscious aspects to attractions.

Usually people think of attraction as meaning only physical attraction.  But that's only one aspect of attraction and, although it's important, it's a superficial aspect.

What is Attraction?

Attraction is complex, so there is no one-size-fits all definition for attraction.  

Attraction can vary over time. In other words, certain experiences can influence your attractions.

For instance, you might meet someone and feel attracted to them, but that initial feeling of attraction can disappear quickly after you speak to them and you see them in a negative light based on your conversation. 

What is Attraction?

Similarly, you might meet someone and you're not attracted to them initially, but once. you get to know them, you might feel drawn to them. Maybe you discover personality traits, common interests or other things that make you feel attracted to them.

What Are the Different Types of Attraction?

As previously mentioned, attraction is a complex combination of conscious and unconscious factors. 

There are many different types of attractions, including but not limited to:

• Physical Attraction: A desire for physical connection but not necessarily sexual or romantic connection

• Sexual Attraction: A desire for intimate, sexual contact but not necessarily any other type of attraction

• Emotional Attraction: A desire for emotional contact but not necessarily sexual or physical contact

• Romantic Attraction: A desire that can include physical, emotional or sexual attraction

• Aesthetic Attraction: An admiration for someone's appearance without necessarily feeling any other type of attraction to that person

How Do Your Feelings About Yourself Contribute to Your Attractions in an Unconscious Way?

The use of projection is an unconscious defense mechanism that forms early in life.

An example of unconsciously projecting your feelings about yourself onto someone else is when you don't feel good about yourself and you project your feelings about yourself onto someone else (see my article: Are You Projecting Your Negative Feelings About Yourself Onto Your Spouse?).

Projecting Unconscious Feelings About Yourself onto Your Partner

Using projection as a defense mechanism is common in relationships of all types, especially in long term committed relationships.  

This usually occurs when someone finds their own feelings of shame or inadequacy too difficult to contain so they project these feelings onto their partner.

When this occurs, someone might mistakenly assume that they're no longer attracted to their partner when, in reality, it's about their own intolerable feelings him or herself.

Why is it Important For You to Understand How You Experience Attractions?

Understanding how and why you experience certain attractions is an important part of developing self awareness about how you develop and maintain healthy relationships, including long term relationships (see my article: Relationships Skills: How to Develop Self Awareness).

In addition, if you know your attractions tend to lead to unhealthy relationships, you can develop better self awareness to help you to set healthier boundaries (see my article: Are You Attracted to People Who Hurt You?).

In addition, as previously mentioned, when projection is used as an unconscious defense mechanism to project negative feelings onto a partner, understanding this dynamic is often key to saving an otherwise good relationship.

See My Next Article

Relationships: How Projecting One's Feelings of Inadequacy onto a Partner Can Result in Lack of Attraction.

Getting Help in Therapy

If you have been struggling with unresolved problems, you could benefit from getting help in therapy.

A skilled psychotherapist can help you to overcome the obstacles that are getting in the way of your leading a more fulfilling life, so rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Your Sexual Fantasies Don't Always Match Your Values and Beliefs

In my prior article, Elevated Erotic Feelings Can Enhance Your Mood For Sex, I focused on elevated erotic feelings, core erotic feelings, peak erotic experiences, erotic themes, emotional aphrodisiacs, sexual fantasies and how these emotions and fantasies can enhance your sex life (see my article: Core Erotic Feelings: What Emotions Help You to Get in the Mood For Sex?)

Sexual Fantasies Don't Always Match Your Values and Beliefs

Guilt and shame are often major stumbling blocks to exploring sexual fantasies, especially fantasies that don't match everyday values and beliefs (see my article: Exploring and Normalizing Sexual Fantasies Without Guilt or Shame).

When I work with clients in my New York City psychotherapy practice about these issues, I help them to realize and accept that sexual fantasies have unconscious elements to them and that there's a difference between what they fantasize about and what they actually want to do.

It's also true that many other people do find it exciting to experiment with their fantasies either during solo sex or during partnered sex where the behavior is mutually consensual.

Sexual Fantasies Don't Always Match Your Everyday Values and Beliefs

In his book, Tell Me What You Want, Dr. Justin Lehmiller, Kinsey sex researcher and social psychologist, surveyed over 4,000 people about their sexual fantasies.  He discovered that it's common for sexual fantasies to be completely different from people's everyday beliefs and values (see my article: The 7 Core Sexual Fantasies).

Dr. Michael Bader, a sex therapist who wrote the book, Arousal, gives many case examples from his clinical practice where sexual fantasies are different from people's beliefs.  He also discusses the unconscious elements in sexual fantasies which stem from clients' personal histories (see my article: Understanding the Unconscious Meaning of Your Sexual Fantasies).

For many people, transgressive sexual fantasies, which are completely opposed to their beliefs and values, are often the most exciting fantasies.

Examples of Sexual Fantasies That Don't Match Values and Beliefs

Let's explore this further with examples below which are fictionalized versions of common sex therapy cases:

Vera

Vera spent her life advocating for women's rights and non-violence.  These issues were very important to her, so she felt confused, guilty and ashamed that her sexual fantasies included being dominated and humiliated during sex.  Although she found these fantasies exciting, she wasn't interested in actually being overpowered or humiliated by her lover.  

Sexual Fantasies Don't Always Match Your Values and Beliefs

When she attended sex therapy to deal with her inner conflict between her beliefs and her sexual fantasies, she learned that it's common for there to be a mismatch between beliefs and fantasies.  She also learned that it's common for people to have sexual fantasies that they never want to enact in real life.  She and her sex therapist also explored the unconscious elements of her fantasies and she realized how her fantasies were related to her personal history.  Over time, she was able to enjoy her fantasies without being worried, guilty or ashamed.  

Peter

Being kind to others was important to Peter.  His friends and loved ones often commented on his kindness and compassion.  But Peter experienced an inner conflict about himself because he had sexual fantasies about dominance and humiliation.  He couldn't understand how his sexual fantasies could be so out of synch with his firmly held beliefs.  He wondered if these fantasies meant he was really an awful person.  

Talking to Your Partner About Your Sexual Fantasies

With much guilt and shame, Peter confided in his wife.  After he told her about his fantasies, he was surprised by her reaction.  She told him that, based on her readings about sexual fantasies, she knew that these fantasies were common and nothing to feel guilty or ashamed about.  She also told him she always thought of him as being a kind person and his fantasies didn't change her view of him.  Even more surprising to Peter, his wife said his fantasies got her sexually aroused.  She suggested they do a sexual role play about them just for fun.  This idea excited Peter so they experimented with elements of light BDSM: Bondage Discipline (Dominance), Sadism (Submission) and Masochism.  This really spiced up their sex life and Peter no longer felt ashamed or guilty (see my articles: How to Talk to Your Partner About Sex, The Benefits of Sexual Role Play and The Power of Novelty to Enhance Sexual Desire in Your Relationship).

Jane

Jane considered herself to be devoutly religious, but when she watched the movie, "Fifty Shades of Gray," she felt surprised that she felt sexually aroused.  She also felt guilty and ashamed about being aroused, especially when she imagined herself to be in the role of the woman in the movie.  With a great deal of hesitation, she confided in her close friend, Carol, who attended the same church.  As she told Carol about her thoughts, Jane couldn't even look Carol in the eyes because she felt so ashamed.  

Confiding in a Supportive Friend

But when she looked up, she saw that Carol was smiling.  She told Jane, "I felt the same way when I watched it!  Isn't it great?" At first, Jane wasn't sure how to respond, but she was relieved to know that she wasn't the only one with strong religious beliefs who was turned on by this movie.  After a while, Jane got curious about whether other people might feel the same way, so she read books written by sex therapists and researchers and she discovered that her experience was common.  This was a great relief to Jane.  Although she would never tell her pastor about it, over time, Jane began to enjoy the transgressive nature of her fantasies, and she no longer felt ashamed or guilty (see my article: Destigmatizing Sexual Fantasies of Power and Submission).

Ed

Ed advocated for women's rights through his volunteer work. This work was very important to him.  But when he was at home alone, he often enjoyed watching pornography, which he felt guilty and ashamed about afterwards.  He couldn't understand how his beliefs and values about the importance of women's rights was so different from what got him sexually turned on when he watched porn.  

Sexual Fantasies Don't Always Match Your Values and Beliefs

He felt like he was a terrible person, so he sought help in sex therapy to understand these contradictory feelings.  His sex therapist helped him to connect his sexual fantasies to unconscious feelings related to his personal history.  Over time, Ed was relieved of his guilt and shame.  His therapist also told him that if he preferred to watch porn that wasn't degrading to women, he could watch ethical pornography, which was produced and distributed by women.  Ed tried watching ethical porn and he discovered that he enjoyed it much more (see my article:  What is the Difference Between Ethical Pornography and Mainstream Porn?).

Overcoming Guilt and Shame About Sexual Fantasies in Sex Therapy

Whether you enact your fantasies or not, sexual fantasies can enhance your sexual experiences during solo sex or during partnered sex--as long as whatever you do is with an adult who consenting enthusiastically.

Many people know on an intellectual level that they can fantasize about whatever they want and there's nothing wrong with it, but on an emotional level they feel guilt and shame.

If you struggle with shame and guilt about your sexual fantasies, you could benefit from working with a sex therapist.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I am a sex positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Are You Unconsciously Choosing An Unhealthy Relationship to Fix Your Childhood?

I've written about relationships and choosing healthier partners in prior articles at the end of this article. 

In this article, I'm focusing on a particular problem with unconsciously choosing an unhealthy relationship as a way to fix your childhood relationship with your parents.

Choosing An Unhealthy Relationship to Fix Your Childhood

What is Repetition Compulsion?
Most people don't consciously choose to be in emotionally unhealthy relationships.  It's usually an unconscious process based on what's familiar.  And who is more familiar to you than one or both of your parents?

The biggest problem usually occurs when people unconsciously choose a partner who is similar to one or both parents in an effort to fix their childhood relationship with their parents.

With regard to relationships, the unrecognized wish behind this unconscious process is that the repetition of a dysfunctional family pattern in a romantic relationship will provide a chance to repair what couldn't be repaired in childhood with the parents.

This dynamic is known as repetition compulsion in psychotherapy.  When people engage in repetition compulsion, they are repeating traumatic circumstances over and over again in situations where the pattern will most likely be repeated in an unconscious effort to repair the original trauma.  

People who start psychotherapy often don't see these patterns at first.  After their psychotherapist hears about the family dynamic and recognizes the same dynamic in the romantic relationship, the therapist recognizes that the client is engaging in repetition compulsion.

The person who chooses a romantic partner who has the same dynamics as one or both of his parents doesn't always see the similarity between the romantic partner and the parent.  There can be a certain amount of denial about it.  But, usually, over time, client in therapy will recognize it as the therapy evolves.

A Fictional Clinical Vignette: The Problem With Choosing an Unhealthy Relationship to Try to Fix Your Childhood Relationship With Your Parents
The following fictional clinical vignette is about the unconscious process of repetition compulsion in an unhealthy relationship and how it involves a wish to fix a childhood dysfunctional relationship:

Meg
Meg started psychotherapy because she was having problems in her one year relationship with her boyfriend, Ed.

Choosing An Unhealthy Relationship to Fix Your Childhood 

During the first six months of their relationship, Meg and Ed got along well.  They enjoyed each other's company and spent a lot of time together.

After five months, Ed moved into Meg's apartment and this is when the problems began.  Then, when they were together for six months, Ed quit his job after he got into a disagreement with his supervisor.

Meg was annoyed that he left his job without finding another job first and that he was making no effort to try to find another job.

When she came home from her stressful job, she would see Ed laying down on the couch watching TV instead of job hunting.  Since she was now carrying the financial burden for the two of them, she told him that it annoyed her to see him loafing around and allowing her to take responsibility for their joint expenses.

Whenever this topic came up, they would argue.  Ed told Meg that he would find another job, but he didn't like to be pressured by her.  He said if the roles were reversed, he wouldn't complain about it.  He said he would give her time and space to figure out her next move.  And Meg argued that she wouldn't leave her job without having another job, so it was unlikely that their roles would be reversed.

Six months later, Ed was still making no effort to find a job, and Meg was furious.  She complained about it to her psychotherapist during the first two therapy sessions.  Although she was very angry, she didn't want to throw Ed out of her apartment.  She felt that it would be cruel to tell him to leave, so she allowed him to stay, but they were barely on speaking terms.

When Meg's psychotherapist asked her about her family background, Meg described a dysfunctional family dynamic.  She was the older of two daughters who witnessed their parents arguing a lot.

Meg explained that her father had problems keeping jobs because he tended to quit whenever there was a problem on the job instead of trying to resolve the problem.  This placed all the financial burden on Meg's mother, and it was a source of frequent arguments.

Although her mother complained a lot and her parents argued about the father's unstable work history, her mother frequently told Meg and her sister that she would never break up the family.  And the father spent more time being unemployed than working.  As a result, nothing ever changed, and the mother struggled financially throughout all of Meg's childhood to support the family.

As a child, Meg was closer to her father than she was to her mother.  Whereas she thought her mother was often irritable and short tempered with her, she thought her father was more sensitive, nurturing and patient.

Meg disliked hearing her mother call the father "lazy" and "inconsiderate," and she would defend her father to her mother, which escalated these arguments.  Meg would take her father's side, and her sister would take her mother's side.  This created tension in all their relationships.

When her psychotherapist pointed out the similarities between her parents' dynamics and her relationship with Ed, Meg got annoyed.  She didn't think these situations were similar at all, and she was offended that her therapist would say this.

Meg said that her father was a sensitive, compassionate man, but Ed was insensitive and inconsiderate.  For the next few weeks, Meg continued to defend her father and she maintained that her father was different from her Ed.

Meg's psychotherapist realized that, at that point in therapy, Meg idealized her father and she had a blind spot about his problems, so she realized that Meg wasn't ready to deal with this issue.

A few months later, Meg was sufficiently fed up with Ed that she decided to give him a three month deadline to either find a job and contribute to their joint expenses or move out.  In order to meet their expenses, Meg had to take on freelance work in addition to her full time job just to make ends meet, and she was exhausted.

The three month deadline came and went and Ed still refused to look for a job.  They were now arguing more than ever, and Meg really resented Ed, but she couldn't bring herself to follow through with her ultimatum.  Despite her anger and frustration, she allowed him to stay.

Her psychotherapist explored this with Meg in a nonjudgmental way to help Meg to get curious about it.  Over time, when Meg became less defensive, she could see the parallels between her relationship with Ed and her mother's relationship with her father.

Gradually, Meg developed insight into how she was looking at her father through the eyes of her younger self.  She realized that she idealized her father when she was a child because she needed to see him as being her "big, strong dad," and she was continuing to do this as an adult.

Although it made Meg feel sad to see her father's problems, she dealt with the loss of this idealization in therapy.  She also had a lot more empathy for her mother and realized that her mother was frequently irritable when Meg was a child because she was exhausted.

Meg also realized that, even though she idealized her father most of the time when she was a child, she admitted that to her psychotherapist that there were times when she felt angry and disappointed with her father.  But she never allowed herself to remain immersed in those feelings as a child because it was too overwhelming for her.  She needed to see her father as a hero.

Gradually, Meg realized that deep down she always knew, even when she was a child, that her father had these problems, but she didn't want to see it.

She also realized that she had made an unconscious choice to be in a relationship with Ed and remain in that relationship as a way to try to fix her childhood relationship with her father, "I never realized before that I thought I could fix Ed and, in a way, it felt like I could fix my dad.  My mother could never fix my dad, but I thought it would be different with Ed and me.  I really thought I could change him."

Now, she saw her father as someone that she loved very much, but she also accepted that he had problems.  She also realized that she couldn't fix her deep-seated childhood problems with her father by being in a relationship with someone who had similar problems or by trying to repeat her parents' relationship with Ed in order to have a different outcome.

Shortly after this, Meg told Ed that he needed to move out, and she no longer felt guilty about it.  By asking him to move out, in effect, this ended the relationship, but she felt better about herself.  She no longer felt like a victim in her relationship.

Afterwards, Meg dealt with the loss of the relationship in therapy.  Even though she and Ed weren't getting along by the time the relationship ended, she still recognized it as a loss.

Meg also continued to work on her childhood problems in therapy so that she wouldn't repeat the same mistake in the future by getting into another unhealthy relationship, and she could make healthier choices.

Conclusion
It's difficult to see your unconscious dynamics on your own.  Even when you're in therapy, you might have a blind spot for these dynamics before you're ready to see them.

The repetition compulsion of repeating earlier family patterns is common.

When people don't see that they're unconsciously choosing an unhealthy relationship as a way to fix an earlier relationship with parents, they can go from one dysfunctional relationship to another without seeing that they're repeating the pattern over and over again.

People often come to therapy because they're having problems in their relationship, and they believe that the problem is with their particular partner at the time instead of seeing that it's the same dynamic repeating itself with different people.

Once you're ready to explore the unconscious dynamics in therapy, part of the work is grieving for what you can't fix in your childhood history.

You will probably grieve the end of your relationship if you realize that it's emotionally unhealthy for you, but you also have a chance to make a positive change in your life and choose a healthier relationship in the future if you work through the repetition compulsion.

Getting Help in Therapy
If you're struggling with problems that you've been unable to resolve on your own, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional who can help you to work through these problems (see my article: The Benefits of Psychotherapy).

As I mentioned earlier, unconscious behavior is difficult to see on your own, but working with a skilled psychotherapist can help you to recognize and change these unhealthy patterns (see my article: How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples, and I have helped many clients to recognize and change unconscious dynamics that were making them unhappy.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles:

Emotionally Unhealthy Relationships: Bad Luck or Poor Choices?

Are Your Fears of Being Alone and Lonely Keeping You in an Unhealthy Relationship?

Learning to Make Better Choices in Relationships

Making a Change Requires Taking Action: Psychotherapy Can Help When You Feel Stuck

Developing insight into your problems is a necessary part of psychotherapy.  But if you want to make changes in your life, you also need to take action.  In most cases, insight alone isn't enough to bring about lasting change (see my article:  Common Myths About Psychotherapy: Therapy is "All Talk and No Action" and Common Myths About Psychotherapy: Going to Therapy Means You're Weak).

Making a Change Requires Taking Action: Psychotherapy Can Help

Making a Change Can Be Challenging
There's no doubt that making a change can be difficult, especially if it's a significant change from what you've always done in the past.

People usually experience some ambivalence, even for changes that they really want to make, and this ambivalence can play out in your psychotherapy (see my article: Starting Psychotherapy: It's Not Unusual to Feel Anxious or Ambivalent).

Making a Commitment and a Plan to Change Usually Helps
Having a strong commitment to change can be helpful to overcome your ambivalence.

As opposed to having some vague idea of what to accomplish, having a plan can help you to start taking steps.  This plan doesn't have to be carved in stone.  It can be flexible enough to change with your developing sense of self, what you want, and your circumstances.  But you want to have the sense of moving forward rather than stagnating.

Overcoming Unconscious Saboteurs Within You
Progress, especially personal progress, is rarely linear.  Usually, along the way, you take two steps forward and one step backwards.

When you're ambivalent, it can be very helpful to give each part of yourself that has different feelings a "voice" to express the ambivalence--whether you do this with your psychotherapist using Ego States therapy or you do it on your own at home by writing (see my article: Having a Dialogue in Writing With the Different Parts of Yourself).

There might be unconscious parts of yourself that are sabotaging your progress.  For instance, there might be a part of you that feels, "You don't deserve to change" or "You don't deserve to have anything good in your life."

These unconscious parts can act as internal saboteurs and get in your way.

Once you've discovered the part or parts of yourself that are holding you back, you can address those parts to find out why they're afraid of making the change.  Then, you can find out from them what they need to feel reassured--whether it involves taking small incremental steps to accomplish your goals or taking care of that part of you, which might be traumatized, in therapy.

This is obviously easier if you're in therapy with a psychotherapist who does Ego States therapy,  some form of parts work therapy or a technique called the Affect Bridge in clinical hypnosis.

Until that unconscious part of you is discovered and addressed, you might keep looping around your goal without understanding what's getting in your way.

Who or What is Holding You Back From Making Changes?  
Aside from your ambivalence or unconscious internal saboteurs, another problem that could be holding you back is if you're working with a psychotherapist who believes that making a change, any kind of change, takes a very long time (see my article: Common Myths About Psychotherapy: Therapy Takes a Long Time).

I've heard this idea again and again from many psychotherapists, especially psychotherapists who tend to work in an outmoded way, spend their time among other psychotherapists who have the same traditional beliefs, and who haven't updated their skills.

This is how they were trained a long time ago, and this is what they continue to believe despite the many changes that have been made in the mental health field (see my article: A Psychotherapist's Beliefs About Psychotherapy Affect How Your Psychotherapist Works With You).

While it's certainly true that change is a process and some changes can take a long time, when a psychotherapist believes that all changes take a very long time, that's how this psychotherapist will approach your problems.  Then, it becomes a self-fulfilling prophesy.

In some cases, it might be true that it's too soon, especially if the client is emotionally fragile and wants to take action that would be emotionally harmful to him or her.  In those cases, the psychotherapist is being a responsible mental health professional.

If you're honest with yourself, you can determine whether you're holding yourself back or if you're in a therapy where you're being held back.  If it's the former, as I mentioned before, it's important to discover what's going on in your inner world that's holding you back whether you do this on your own or with your psychotherapist.  If it's the latter, you might need to find a new psychotherapist, especially if you've been going around in circles for a long time.

Sometimes, it's a combination of the former and the latter--there's an unconscious collusion between the client and the psychotherapist where both of them are unaware that they're getting in the way of the client making changes.

Getting Help in Therapy
When you go for a consultation with a psychotherapist, ask the therapist what his or her philosophy is about psychotherapy and change.

This is not about asking "How long will it take for me to change?" because no one can predict that.  Rather, it's about asking the therapist about his or her general philosophy about therapy and making changes (see my article: The Benefits of Psychotherapy).

If you've been trying unsuccessfully on your own to make changes in your life, you could benefit from working with a contemporary psychotherapist who works in a dynamic, interactive way, as opposed to a psychotherapist who believes that all change takes a very long time (see my article: How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

By being proactive with regard to finding the psychotherapist who is right for you and making the changes that you want to make, you can make greater progress in your therapy and in your life.

About Me
I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples in a contemporary and dynamic interactive way.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Are You Approaching Your Problems From Your Adult or Your Inner Child's Perspective?

As I've discussed in prior articles, everyone maintains within themselves various internal parts of themselves throughout the course of a lifetime, including a child self, a teenage self and an adult self.  

At any given time, one of your self states might dominate a particular situation without your being aware of it.  So, it's important to know "who's in charge" at certain times, and how to shift from one self state to another in order to manage your life more effectively.

    See my articles: 

Understanding the Different Aspects of Yourself That Make You Who You Are

How Your Shifting Self States Affect You For Better or Worse

Are You Approaching Your Problems From an Adult or Child's Perspective?

While there's a time and place to enjoy your younger self states, like when you're having fun, you don't want a younger self state in charge when you have to deal with adult problems.

Not only will that younger self state feel overwhelmed by trying to deal with an adult problem, but it won't be mature enough to handle the problem and it won't make the best possible decisions.  For instance, we would ever intentionally ask a three year old to make an important decision about an adult relationship?  Of course not.

But, as I mentioned in prior articles, when a younger self state steps in to try to handle an adult problem, it's an unconscious process.  Often, you're emotionally triggered into this younger self state without even knowing it.

Other people might recognize that you're not approaching your problem from a mature perspective, but it's often hard for you to see it yourself.

When you realize that your three year old self is trying to resolve an adult problem, you can understand why you're having difficulty overcoming your problem.

The important thing is, first, to recognize it and, second, to make the switch in a way that's respectful and compassionate to your various selves (i.e., without berating or denigrating any of the self states).

In my psychotherapy private practice in New York City, when I have clients who tend to approach certain problems from a younger self state which isn't helpful, I teach them how to shift into their adult self state.  I do this by helping clients to be aware of what's happening and then teaching them how to make the switch in a healthy way.

Fictional Clinical Vignette:
Learning to Switch From a Younger Self State to An Adult Self State
The following fictional clinical vignette demonstrates how to recognize when a younger self state is trying to resolve an adult problem and how to switch into your adult state using Ego States therapy:

Tania
Tania, who was in her late 20s, started therapy because she was having problems with her supervisor at work.

Are You Approaching Your Problems From Your Adult or From a Child Perspective?

Although she liked her job as a sales representative, she didn't like getting directives from her supervisor, especially since he tended to be abrupt with her when he was under pressure.  At those times, Tania reacted negatively to him, but she only recognized it after the fact when he pointed it out to her.

Although he acknowledged his part in their dynamic and he said he would try to be more aware of how he came across, her supervisor told Tania that she also needed to change her behavior.

Tania explained to her therapist that when her supervisor was abrupt with her, she would lose her motivation and take off days from work.  Lately, this was more problematic than usual because everyone at work was under additional pressure to meet their sales goals, which was challenging.

Tania told her therapist that her pattern was that after she took off a few days from work, she recognized in hindsight that she was only making things more difficult for herself because she would have to work that much harder to meet her goals.

She was also afraid that, if she kept taking off days from work, she might be fired from her job, so it was critical that she learn how to deal with her problems in a healthier way.

Tania's psychotherapist asked her to describe in detail what happens to her when her supervisor is abrupt.  In response, Tania thought about it for a while and then described a typical scenario:

When her supervisor was under pressure from his director, he would be abrupt with her and the other sales reps.  In hindsight, she realized that her supervisor's behavior stemmed from his own anxiety and he was trying to change, but he wasn't always successful.  Whenever he was abrupt with her, she had an immediate reaction.  She felt angry and resentful and she wouldn't want to be at work.  Then, rather than communicating with her supervisor or looking for another job, she would call out sick for a few days to get away from the situation.  She would spend those days in bed and tell herself that she couldn't deal with her supervisor's attitude when he was under stress.  Generally, this made things worse for her in the long run.

In the next few sessions, Tania revealed that when she was growing up, her father, who was a retired Marine, tended to give her and her siblings "orders" in an abrupt manner, which Tania resented.  When she became a teenager, she rebelled against both of her parents by cutting classes in high school, and her grades suffered.  Fortunately, she was able to improve her grades so she could go to college.

As they continued to discuss these issues, her psychotherapist pointed out to Tania that she was reacting to her supervisor in a similar way to how she behaved when she rebelled against her parents. She explained Tania that it seemed that those old memories of her father being authoritative and abrupt were getting  triggered at work.  Tania thought about it, and she agreed that her behavior with her supervisor was adolescent behavior, and she wanted to change it.

Her psychotherapist provided Tania with psychoeducation about how it is common for people to shift into different self states without being aware of it, especially when they get triggered (see my article: Why It's Important For Psychotherapists to Provide Clients With Psychoeducation).

Then, she spoke with Tania about Ego States therapy and how Tania could learn to become more aware of her shifting self states before she reacted and, if she became aware that she was reacting in an adolescent way, how she could shift into an adult self state.

Since Tania tended to approach most areas of her life as an adult, she had many memories of handling tough situations in a mature and effective way.  Using those memories of being mature, Tania's therapist helped her to relax into a light hypnotic state so Tania could go back into those memories and become more aware of how she felt emotionally and physically when she approached challenges from an adult self state.

As Tania thought about a particular memory where she felt proud of how she handled a challenging situation, she was able to feel a sense of pride and satisfaction.  When her therapist asked Tania where she felt this in her body, Tania said she felt an expansiveness in her chest.

Over time, they went over several other similar memories, and Tania became sensitized to what it felt emotionally and physically in her body to approach challenges from an adult self state.

Then, her psychotherapist asked Tania to think about a prior memory where she approached her problems with her current supervisor from an adolescent self state.  This was relatively easy for Tania because it happened several times lately, so she had recent memories she recalled.

When Tania sensed into what she felt on an emotional level when she thought of her response to her supervisor, she said she felt angry, resentful and indignant.  She felt these emotions as a tightness in her jaw, throat and shoulders.  She felt her old sense of rebelliousness similar to how she felt when her father gave her "orders."

Her psychotherapist asked Tania to stay with those feelings and, at the same time, to picture her compassionate adult self sitting next to her wanting to help her adolescent self.

At first, Tania imagined her adult self saying to her adolescent self, "Grow up and stopping acting so immature!"

When her psychotherapist asked Tania to sense into how her adolescent self felt when her adult self spoke to her this way, Tania said that it only made her adolescent self feel more angry and alone.  It also made her adolescent self feel like she wanted to rebel even more.

Her psychotherapist explained that this is why it's important for the adult self to be nonjudgmental in its approach to the younger self state.  Then, she asked Tania to try again with more compassion (see my article: Having Compassion For the Child That You Were).

Although this was challenging for Tania, she was able to put aside her judgmental attitude to feel compassion for an adolescent self who felt alone and needed help.

Her therapist asked Tania what her adolescent self needed from her adult self, and Tania said her adolescent self needed love and kindness.  She also needed to feel that she was not alone.

Are You Approaching Your Problems From Your Adult or Child Perspective?

As they continued to do Ego States therapy, Tania discovered ways that she could imagine showing kindness and love to her adolescent self.  Over time, she learned to be more emotionally reassuring to her adolescent self.  She also learned to allow her adult self to gently take over when it was necessary.

At the same time, she didn't berate or try to completely suppress her adolescent self in all situations.  She allowed her adolescent self to dominate in situations where that self state could feel alive when she was having fun.

Gradually, Tania practiced in her psychotherapy sessions going back and forth between these two self states so that she learned to make the switch on her own when she needed to do it.

So, for instance, when she sensed herself beginning to feel rebellious with her supervisor, she knew that her adolescent self was trying to take control of the situation, and she consciously made a choice to reassure her adolescent self that her adult self would take over.  Then, she would consciously make the choice to approach her problem from a mature stance.

Once Tania was no longer unconsciously reacting in a negative way to her supervisor, she and her psychotherapist worked on helping her to overcome the underlying issues related to her history with her father so that Tania wouldn't keep getting triggered at work.

Over time, they used EMDR therapy to work on the earlier issues that were at the root of the problem (see my articles: What is EMDR Therapy?, How EMDR Therapy Works: EMDR and the Brain, and Experiential Therapy, Like EMDR, Helps to Achieve Emotional Breakthroughs).

Being able to approach her problems from a mature perspective also allowed Tania to be proactive about finding another job where she was happier.

Conclusion
We all carry within ourselves the various self states from infancy to adulthood.

When we use a younger self state unconsciously to approach a problem that requires an adult self state, this causes problems for us.

Ego States therapy helps clients to become aware of their various self states.

The goals of Ego States therapy is to help clients to become aware of their self states, when they're switching to a self state that isn't helpful and how to make a conscious choice to use a more effective self state for the particular issue at hand.

Once clients become aware of their self states, how they choose them unconsciously in ineffective ways, and how they can make the switch to a more effective self state, many problems can be resolved.

Getting Help in Therapy
Everyone needs help at some point in his or her life.

Having a good emotional support network of family and friends is important to maintain an emotionally healthy self, but there are times when your problems might be beyond what you or your support network can handle (see my article: How Talking to a Psychotherapist is Different From Talking to a Friend).

Working with a skilled psychotherapist can help you to overcome your problems by working through traumatic experiences and finding new ways of coping (see my articles: The Benefits of Psychotherapy and How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

Rather than suffering on your own, you owe it to yourself to get help from a licensed mental health professional.

Being able to work through challenging problems can help you to lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article:  The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

One of my specialties is helping clients to come from their best possible self to resolve their problems by using Ego States therapy.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.