Mismatched Desire is a Relationship Problem--Not An Individual Problem

Mismatched desires in a relationship problem between both people--not just a problem for the individual with lower desire (see my article: What is Desire Discrepancy?).

Desire Discrepancy is a Relationship Problem

So, why do many individuals "send" their partner to sex therapy instead of joining them to resolve the relationship problem? 

The "Identified Patient" Dynamic

There can be many reasons why a partner might not want to join their partner in sex therapy, including sexual shame. But one of the main reasons is because Partner A, the one with the higher desire, tries to convince Partner B, the one with the lower desire, that something is wrong with Partner B and B should go so the therapist can "fix" them.

As a certified sex therapist, I see this so often in my New York private practice and I know that most of the time there is a misunderstanding about why they're having sexual problems.

Desire Discrepancy is a Relationship Problem

Partner A, the one with the stronger sexual desire, pathologizes Partner B's normal desire so that Partner B feels like they're "broken" and needs to be "fixed". 

Often this pathologizing is unintentional. More often, it's a misunderstanding about how sexual desire works and that there can be either spontaneous or responsive sexual desire which are both normal.

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette is a composite of many different cases:

Janet and Mark

When Janet contacted a sex therapist, she said her husband, Mark, told her she should make an appointment for herself because she didn't want to have sex as often as he did.

The sex therapist told Janet that desire discrepancy (also known as mismatched libido), is a common problem in relationships and it's a relationship problem--not an individual problem---because it's a dynamic between two people.

Janet thought her husband would probably join her after the first appointment, so she saw the therapist on her own the first time.

During the first appointment, the sex therapist told Janet that it's normal and common for two people to have different levels of desire--just like they would have different levels of desire for certain foods and other activities. She told Janet there is no such thing as a "normal level of desire."

After the first appointment, Janet went home and told Mark about what the sex therapist said. He scoffed and told her to see another therapist. So, Janet began therapy with a therapist who had no knowledge or training in sex therapy, but she agreed to see Janet individually.

Janet wanted to please her husband so she was happy to be able to tell him that she would go for therapy and he could stay home. Over time, Janet went to therapy and talked about the problem, but nothing changed. The therapist listened quietly and provided no feedback.

After a few weeks, Janet realized that this therapist was working outside her area of expertise and stopped seeing her.

When she approached her husband again about seeing the sex therapist, he refused. He told her to go see someone else, but whenever Janet called a certified sex therapist, she was told that this is a relationship problem and both people need to be in the therapy.

This went on for a while and Mark was complaining more than ever because Janet didn't want to have sex as often as he did. So, Janet decided to do her own research and she discovered that the first therapist was correct--both she and her husband needed to be in sex therapy together.

After several years passed with Mark being increasingly dissatisfied, he decided to join Janet in seeing the original sex therapist and they began to make progress.

Why Do Some People Refuse to Participate in Couples Therapy For Relationship Problems?

It's always been interesting to me that most people wouldn't tell a medical doctor how to treat their medical issues, but many people insist they know how a therapist should treat relational and sexual problems.

Since a lot of people think that therapy is "just talking", they think they know how it should work. They don't understand that therapy, especially couples sexual therapy, is a specialized treatment that is performed by licensed mental health professionals who have gone for advanced postgraduate training. Also, there are specific interventions that are not about "just talking."

Couples sex therapy is not the only therapy where people tend to designate an "identified patient" as the one who is to "blame" for having a problem. 

Families often scapegoat a certain family member as the one who has all the problems when, in reality, the one who is designated as the scapegoat might be the healthiest one--and the problems in the family are systemic family problems--not the problem of one individual.

Let's look at some of the problems involved in the vignette with Janet and Mark:

The "Identified Patient" Dynamic in More Detail

• Pathologizing Lower Desire: If the issue is desire discrepancy, the partner with lower desire is often incorrectly labeled as the one with the medical or psychological problem. In the vignette above, Mark incorrectly labeled Janet as the problem.

Desire Discrepancy is a Relationship Problem

• Ignoring the Loop: Mark saw Janet's lower desire as being an isolated malfunction. So, he completely overlooked how his behavior, communication style and refusal to split chores acted as a sexual brake for Janet.

• Outsourcing the Problem: Mark hoped a professional would "fix" Janet's behavior so their sexual relationship would change to his preferred baseline of sexual activity so he didn't have to make any personal changes. 

Fear and Vulnerability Avoidance
Couples therapy, including couples sex therapy, acts as a mirror and many individuals are very uncomfortable looking at what the mirror reveals about them:

• Fear of Judgment: Mark worried that a sex therapist would criticize his sexual performance, technique or emotional maturity. This kept him out of therapy.

• Shame Around Rejection: For Mark, admitting that his wife doesn't want him sexually as much as he wants her was deeply painful. By pushing Janet into individual therapy, he pretended the issue was an abstract medical problem.

• Emotional Exposure: Mark was conditioned to hide emotional vulnerability. Attending therapy involves discussing deep fears, inadequacies and failures, which can feel incredibly threatening.

Misunderstanding Sex Therapy

There is an incorrect common assumption that sex therapy is only about the physical mechanics of sex rather than about emotional connection:

• The "Instruction Manual" Myth: Mark believed that the sex therapist would provide Janet with tools, exercises or psychological "tricks" to boost her physical arousal, but this isn't how sex therapy works.

Desire Discrepancy is a Relationship Problem

• Missing the Emotional Link: Mark failed to recognize that for many women (and many men too), sexual desire is linked to emotional intimacy, safety and mutual respect outside the bedroom.

Control and Power Dynamics
For many people, including Mark, refusing to attend couples sex therapy is a way to maintain control over the narrative of the relationship:

• Protecting an Ego: By remaining outside the therapy sessions, Mark ensured that his habits and contributions to the sexual problems weren't analyzed. He never had to look at that his ways of initiating sex and that what he did sexually with Janet wasn't satisfying to her. No one wants sex that isn't satisfying to them.

• Dictating Terms: By sending Janet to therapy, Mark positioned himself as the "healthy" partner and Janet as the "deficient" partner--the one who had sole responsibility for their sexual happiness.

Moving Forward

Once Mark came to couples sex therapy with Janet, they both benefited from learning how to talk about sex, finding out what they each liked and disliked and understanding how each of their personal histories contributed to their problems.

Conclusion

Sex therapy is for adult individuals and couples.

There are times when individual sex therapy can be beneficial in helping an individual to overcome problems like sexual shame or other personal issues. But when the problem involves a dynamic in the relationship, both people need to attend.

Get Help in Couples Sex Therapy

Although it might feel challenging to join your partner in couples sex therapy, the consequences of remaining outside the sessions and sending your partner for relational issues, like desire discrepancy, is a much more challenging issue to face when the problem continues for months and maybe even years.

Desire Discrepancy is a Relationship Problem

Like most problems, the sooner you address them, the less complicated they tend to be to resolve. 

Rather than waiting until the problem becomes worse, get help from a licensed mental health professional who is a certified sex therapist.

Working on your problem together can bring you closer emotionally and sexually so you can have a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, IFS, EFT Couples Therapist, Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have helped many individual adults and couples over the years.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

I provide a 10-15 minute phone call prior to setting up an appointment.

You can reach me at (917) 742-2624 or by email for an in person or online appointment.

Also See My Articles:

What is Sex Therapy?

What Are Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy? 

What Are Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?

Spontaneous Desire and Responsive Desire Are Both Normal 

Overcoming Anxiety-Related Sexual Problems 

Understanding Your Sexual Accelerators and Brakes

Creating Aliveness in Your Long Term Relationship

As a psychotherapist who works with individual adults and couples, I often meet with people in long term relationships where one person has a vibrant sense of aliveness and the other is more reserved.  

Creating Aliveness in Long Term Relationships

The livelier individual might have initially chosen the more reserved person because they represented safety and stability. This is especially true if the livelier person had a traumatic family background where there was a lot of instability in their family.

However, as time passes in their relationship and their life has stabilized together, the livelier individual's needs for stability has been satisfied and, as the years go by, this individual might yearn for their partner to be more alive and open to new experiences.

This situation is more likely to happen as the couple ages and the livelier partner realizes that time is passing. At that point, they might wonder, "Is this all there is to life?" and yearn for more from their partner and their relationship.

Yearning for more aliveness in their relationship, they might push the more reserved partner to be more exploratory to move out of their comfort zone.

For some reserved partners, all they need is a little encouragement and they can move out of their comfort zone and open up to new experiences. But many others remain stuck in their ways and their partner becomes increasingly dissatisfied over the years.

At that point, this couple might find themselves in my office with the livelier partner feeling resentful that their more reserved partner isn't meeting their current needs, and the reserved partner wondering why the status quo no longer satisfies the livelier partner.

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette, which is a composite of many cases, illustrates this kind of  mismatch and how couples therapy can help:

Cathy and Jack

Cathy and Jack were both in their early 60s, married for over 30 years and retired from successful careers. Their two adult children had long since moved away to other parts of the country.

Cathy was the one who initiated contact for couples therapy and Jack came somewhat reluctantly. When she talked about her family history, she described a chaotic family where, despite both parents having full time jobs, they were barely able to make ends meet. They were constantly getting eviction notices and there often wasn't enough food to eat. 

Due to their dire circumstances, Cathy knew from a young age she couldn't ask for new clothes or a new toy. She usually got hand-me-down clothes from her older siblings that was often too big, so she felt ashamed when she went to school with ill-fitting clothes. 

More importantly, Cathy's parents were so overwhelmed by their dire circumstances that they were too exhausted to be nurturing towards their children.

Jack's family history was very different. His parents were both successful professionals and the family lived in an upper middle class suburb. Although they appeared to be a happy family on the outside, there was emotional turmoil behind closed doors. The family secret that created the turmoil was Jack's father's drinking. 

Although he was regarded as a pillar in the community, Jack's father was a severe alcoholic behind closed doors. When he wasn't drinking, he could be a loving and engaged father with Jack, but as his drinking got worse over time, Jack's mother was frightened of her husband's drinking and she became increasingly passive as the years went by. So, Jack couldn't rely on either of his parents for nurturance and emotional support.

Jack never knew what to expect, so he learned to suppress his own emotional needs and became the golden child who always got excellent grades and tried to please his parents in every way he could.

Initially, when they met, Cathy admired how safe she felt with Jack. She knew she could rely on him through thick and thin--something she had never experienced in her chaotic family. Jack also admired Cathy's lively energy and how good he felt around her.

Their relationship went smoothly during the early years of their marriage, but as they approached retirement, Cathy felt increasingly dissatisfied with their relationship. She was acutely aware that the relationship felt stale. She wanted to travel more and experience as much of life as she could while they were both still in good health. But Jack preferred to stay home and maintain the same routine he had all of his adult life.

Not only did their existence feel monotonous to Cathy, but she grieved for their sex life which had been nonexistent for many years. For his part, Jack couldn't understand why Cathy felt so unhappy now. He wanted the two of them to get old together and he didn't mind if that meant sitting on their porch rocking chairs every day.

After Cathy gave Jack an ultimatum that either they get help in couples therapy or she would initiate divorce proceedings, Jack was shaken. Even though he had refused to attend couples therapy for years, he agreed to go at this point because he didn't want to lose Cathy.

Their couples therapist helped each of them to understand how their family backgrounds contributed to their personality development. 

Jack survived emotionally in his family by always being a "good boy" and never making waves. As Jack came to realize in his couples therapy, this meant the suppression of his personality. Keeping his head down and just getting through the day with his alcoholic father and passive mother became his unconscious survival strategy which continued into his adulthood--even though the danger was over and this survival strategy had outlived its usefulness.

Cathy survived emotionally in her family by suppressing her emotional needs and never allowing herself to want anything. She knew it would be hurtful to her parents if she expressed a desire for things they couldn't possibly give her so she developed her unconscious survival strategy of never asking for anything for herself--even during the early years of her marriage when she and her husband were financially successful.  

As they approached retirement, Cathy began to wonder what she might be missing in her life. Her best friend, Sara, was already enjoying her retirement years with her husband--traveling, taking new classes and exploring new ideas. Sara had even hinted to Cathy that she and her husband were having the best sex of their lives now that they had more time together without the stress of their careers.

When Cathy tried to talk to Jack about feeling bored and wanting to travel, he scoffed and dismissed her. Initially, she didn't have the courage to talk to Jack about reviving their sex life.

Once Cathy and Jack learned to improve their communication by breaking the negative cycle in their relationship, the next step was focusing on how to enliven their relationship.

Taking steps to enliven their relationship was exciting for Cathy, but it was frightening for Jack. He had spent most of his adult life suppressing his emotions as if he was still living at home with his alcoholic father. He didn't know if he could even allow himself to feel more alive.

During their couples therapy, Cathy learned to stop pressuring and criticizing Jack to be more alive because she realized that her pressure only made him withdraw more. 

Creating Aliveness in Long Term Relationships

Without the pressure, Jack and Cathy began to cultivate low-pressure aliveness: walks in nature, traveling and taking language classes together. Over time, Jack even agreed to take ballroom dance classes with Cathy which surprised both of them.

To revive their sex life, their couples therapist, who was also a certified sex therapist, asked them to start with nonsexual touch exercises called Sensate Focus where they started with the simple touch of hands, arms and other nonsexual areas of the body and progressed to more erotic touch over time.

Gradually, their sex life came alive in ways they both enjoyed. 

Conclusion

In couples sex therapy, the therapist gets full histories of family, relationship and sexual dynamics to understand the origin of the problems.

Individuals who come from impoverished backgrounds often unconsciously choose safety over aliveness initially in their relationship without even realizing it.

Individuals who come from families where there are dysfunctional dynamics, which include might include alcohol or drug abuse, often learn to be reserved to the point of suppressing aliveness.

What was once important in a relationship can change over time, especially as a couple ages and they consider what is important in life at a certain stage of their life. 

An awareness that time is passing and that there won't be as much time to enjoy life as there had been earlier in their relationship can lead to a reassessment of what each of them wants in life.

Couples therapy with a couples therapist who is also a sex therapist can help revive a couple to revive aliveness, including reviving their sex life, so that their relationship can be satisfying for both partners.

Get Help in Couples Therapy

If you and your partner have been unable to resolve your problems on your own, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional who is a couples and sex therapist.

Get Help in Couples Therapy

If your problems include sexual issues, make sure your couples therapist is a certified sex therapist (most couples therapist aren't trained to work with sexual problems).

By getting help in couples therapy, you and your partner can have a more fulfilling relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, IFS, Somatic Experiencing and certified sex therapist.

I have helped many individual adults and couples over the years.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

I provide a 10-15 minute phone call prior to setting up an appointment.

You can reach me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or you can email me.

Also See My Articles:

Recapturing a Sense of Aliveness

The Paradox of Love and Desire in Committed Relationships

What is Your Erotic Blueprint?

What is Sex Therapy? 

What Are Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?

Intent vs Impact: Understanding the Difference Between What You Meant and How Your Partner Actually Experienced It

The gap between intent and impact is one of the most common triggers for relationship conflict. While you might judge yourself by your internal motivation, your partner probably judges you by external actions and words.

What Are the Definitions of Intent and Impact?

Your Intent: Your internal motivation, purpose or meaning behind an action. It is completely invisible to your partner unless you explicitly state it.

Relationships: Intent vs Impact

Impact on Your Partner: The emotional reality of how your actions land on your partner. It is shaped by their unique perspective, emotional history and attachment needs.

Common Examples of Gaps Between Intent and Impact

• Your Intent (Internal): Offering solutions to help your partner solve a stressful work problem 
• Impact on Your Partner (External): Feeling dismissed, criticized or unheard when they just wanted emotional empathy (see my article: Improving Communication in Your Relationship: Does Your Partner Need to Be Helped, Heard or Hugged?).

• Your Intent (Internal): Gently teasing them about a quirky habit to spark playful connection
• Impact on Your Partner (External): Feeling mocked, torn down or insecure about their flaws

• Your Intent (Internal): Looking at your phone to gently decompress after a long stressful day
• Impact on Your Partner (External): Feeling ignored, rejected or lonely during a moment they wanted to connect with you and share

• Your Intent (Internal): Staying late at the office to make a work deadline and provide your relationship with financial stability
• Impact on Your Partner (External): Feeling deprioritized and abandoned during dinner

Why Does Prioritizing Intent Over Impact Cause Ruptures?

When a partner says, "You hurt my feelings", the usual defensive reaction is usually, "That's not what I meant!" or "You're taking it the wrong way!"

This approach actively damages the relationship because defending your intent invalidates their impact (see my article: What is Emotional Validation and Why Is It Such An Important Relationship Skill?).

To your partner, it sounds like an excuse that ignores and rewrites their emotional reality. 

When you prioritize your intention over their emotional pain, you communicate that being "right" is more important than their emotional safety.

How to Successfully Bridge the Gap Between Intent and Impact

To resolve the conflict, you must separate the clumsiness of the action from the goodness of the intent or motive:

• Acknowledge and Validate the Impact First: Before you tell your partner what you meant, acknowledge their emotional wound. Use statements like, "I can see that my comment really hurt you and I'm sorry for causing you to feel that way."

Relationships: Intent vs Impact

• Separate Intent From Impact: Once your partner feels emotionally safe and heard, gently introduce your original motivation without using it as an excuse, "My goal was to help fix the problem, but I see how that felt dismissive instead of supportive."

• Stay Curious and Not Defensive: Ask your partner open-ended questions like, "Can you tell me more about how that made you feel like that so I don't do it again in the future?"

• Adjust Future Behavior: True relational repair requires adapting your actions to match your intention. If your intent is love, your impact must eventually reflect love.

Get Help in Couples Therapy

Problems between intent and impact are common for many couples.

If the two of you have been unable to work out these issues on your own, you could benefit from working with a couples therapist who uses Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) For Couples).

Working with a skilled couples therapist can help you to learn new skills and develop a more fulfilling relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT Couples Therapist, IFS, Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have helped many individual adults and couples over the years.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

I provide a free 10-15 minute phone call before setting up an appointment.

You can reach me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or you can email me.

Also See My Articles:

What Are the 4 Warning Signs Your Relationship Might Be in Trouble? 

Coping With Relationship Stress 

Getting Your Emotional Needs Met in Your Relationship

How to Navigate the 5 Relationship Stages

Why Psychotherapists Should Attend Their Own Personal Therapy

When I was a psychotherapist in training at a New York City psychoanalytic institute in 1996, I was required to be in my own analysis three times a week. 

In addition to taking classes, attending three supervision sessions per week and seeing clients at the psychotherapy center, being in my own analysis seemed like it would be a daunting process. But it turned out to be one of the best things I have ever done for myself.

Why Therapists Should Attend Their Own Therapy

All of us in our first year of training felt like impostors when we began working with clients, so it helped to have a safe place with seasoned analysts who had already been through the process and could help us through it (see my article: Hello Impostor Syndrome My Old Friend).

As I soon discovered, attending analysis three times a week for four years in training had many therapeutic and educational benefits. 

The frequency provided emotional and psychological continuity. In addition, it allowed me to go deeper into my personal history and minimized intellectualization that comes from merely "chatting" in therapy. 

It also allowed me to get first-hand experience of the psychotherapy process as opposed to only learning about it in classes or with the clients I saw at the psychotherapy center.

Intensive therapy also helped to eliminate potential blind spots. 

In addition, intensive therapy got to potential unconscious biases and helped to prevent projection of my own unresolved problems onto clients.

I was also fortunate that my training program provided relatively low-cost analysis with an excellent choice of experienced analysts.

Why Should Psychotherapists Attend Their Own Therapy?

Well-trained psychotherapists attend their own therapy because practitioner's minds and emotional health are their primary tools in treating clients.

Research indicates that approximately 75-84% of licensed mental health practitioners have undergone their own personal therapy at some point in their careers.

Clinical training teaches clinicians how to analyze clients' problems, but personal therapy teaches them how to be in the client's place.

The American Psychological Association identifies critical reasons why well-trained therapists actively participate in their own therapy including:

Managing Countertransference and Blind Spots:

• Spotting Triggers: Without their own therapy, psychotherapists own unresolved history can get triggered by a client's trauma.

• Eliminating Bias: As mentioned before, personal therapy uncovers hidden psychological blind spots that might impact a clinician's ability to work objectively with clients.

• Protecting Boundaries: Processing inner conflicts helps prevent therapists from projecting their own emotional needs onto vulnerable clients.

Experiencing the Client's Perspective

• Building Empathy: Being in the role of the client helps therapists to understand how intimidating, vulnerable and brave it is for clients to share their deepest emotions (see my article: Why is Empathy Important in Psychotherapy?).

• Learning Mastercraft: Attending therapy allows therapists to experience how a senior clinician handles complex emotions in real-time.

• Refining Technique: Observing and experiencing a senior clinician provides a live demonstration of how abstract psychological theories function in actual practice.

Combating Burnout and Vicarious Trauma

• Processing Heavy Stories: Listening to clients' stories about grief, trauma and loss can take a psychological toll, so personal therapy provides support.

• Preventing Compassion Fatigue: Therapy offers a necessary release so clinicians don't absorb the chronic stress of their caseload.

• Modeling Self Care: Practicing clinicians must actively utilize the same self-care tools they recommend for their clients and senior clinicians can model this.

Normalizing Mental Health

• Shattering the Stigma: When psychotherapists go to therapy, it helps to build a healthier culture that views seeking help as a professional strength rather than a weakness, which helps to shatter the stigma of going to therapy (see my article: Mental Health Awareness: Reducing the Stigma of Getting Help in Therapy).

Conclusion

Since my four year psychoanalytic training from 1996-2000, I have gone on to learn other advanced psychotherapy modalities including EMDR, AEDP, IFS, Somatic Experiencing, Emotionally Focused Therapy for Couples as well as becoming a certified sex therapist.

I believe that all therapists in training, whether their training program requires personal therapy or not, benefit from attending their own personal therapy.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT Couples Therapist, IFS, Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have helped many individual adults and couples over the years.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

I provide a free 10-15 minute phone call before setting up an appointment.

I offer in-person therapy in my NYC Greenwich Village office as well as online therapy.

You can reach me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or you can email me.

How Do IFS Parts Work Therapists Use Clinical Intuition?

IFS stands for Internal Family Systems and was developed by Richard Schwartz, PhD, in the1980s (see my article: What is the IFS Therapy Step-By-Step Process?)

How Do IFS Therapists Use Clinical Intuition

IFS therapy is a IFS is a Gentle Evidence-Based Therapy that is called a parts work therapy. There were prior parts work therapies including Ego States Therapy, which was developed by John and Helen Watkins in the 1960s (see my article: How Can Parts Work Therapy, Like IFS and Ego States Therapy, Help You to Be More Creative?).

IFS is one of many types of Experiential Therapy (see my article: Why is Experiential Therapy More Effective Than Traditional Talk Therapy?

I did my original training in Ego States Therapy while learning Clinical Hypnosis in 2012--just before I trained in Somatic Experiencing.

How Do IFS Therapists Use Clinical Intuition?

Most Experiential Therapies use clinical intuition, but each use it in a different way (see my article: What Role Does Clinical Intuition Play in Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy (AEDP)?).

How Do IFS Therapists Use Clinical Intuition

To understand IFS therapy, you need to understand that we are all made of a multiplicity of internal parts. Some professionals use the term "self states" instead of "parts", but it means the same thing (see my article: Embracing Your Many Self States).

Clinical intuition in IFS therapy is the IFS therapist's ability to sense, track and resonate with the client's internal system of parts without relying only on the client's explicit verbal information.

In IFS therapy and other types of Experiential therapies, intuition isn't a mystical or magical superpower. Instead, it is the direct byproduct of an IFS therapist, who has in depth training in IFS, using their Core Self presence (see my article: Discovering Your Core Self in IFS Therapy?

Operating from their Core Self, IFS therapists pick up on the client's somatic shifts, unexpressed and unconscious protective survival strategies and the subtle energy of the wounded parts of the client.

When an IFS therapist has done their own psychological work in therapy, their clinical intuition becomes a highly valuable tool for navigating their clients' complex internal systems.

They do this by:

• Detecting the Client's Hidden Internal Protector Parts: Intuition alerts the IFS therapist when a client says they're "fine" but, in reality, the client has internal protector parts that are trying to protect clients' by blocking access to the more wounded parts of the client to ensure safety. The term "protector parts" is another way of saying defense mechanisms, which is a term used in psychoanalysis and psychodynamic therapy.

• Sensing Their Own Internal Somatic Sensations: The IFS therapist is trained to detect their own embodied experience, also called the felt sense. This might include a tightening in their chest or a noticeable shift in their own breathing. This usually mirrors the client's experience that is unconscious, so the client hasn't noticed it yet.

• Tracking Backlash: Clinical intuition helps the IFS therapist to foresee when she might move too quickly and an internal emotionally wounded part gets triggered if she doesn't follow the step-by-step IFS process.

• Recognizing a Sudden Urge to "Fix" the Client: A sudden urge to "fix" the client or push for a psychological breakthrough is an intuitive signal from the IFS therapist's inner world. Since this could trigger a backlash, the IFS therapist is trained to observe this urge within herself and refocus on her Core Self to work within the client's window of tolerance.

Balancing Clinical Intuition With IFS Therapy's Step-By-Step Process

While intuition can guide the direction of therapy, IFS requires a careful balance to ensure that the therapist is attuned to the client and doesn't impose her own assumptions on the client.

How Do IFS Therapists Use Clinical Intuition

The following is a comparison of when only pure intuition is used rather than the therapist using her own attuned Core Self to understand what is happening to the client.

Note: The IFS Core Self application is the correct way to proceed clinically in IFS Therapy.

Intuitive Attribute: Pacing of the Therapy: 

• Using Only Pure Intuition (without IFS process): An example would be rushing to discover the client's wounded part because it feels open and ready to be discovered.

• The IFS Core Self Application: Slows down to ask permission from the client's defenses first. This is a very important step.

Intuitive Attribute - Interpretation: 

• Using Only Pure Intuition: An example of this would be identifying a client's part without feedback from the client and the part. 

How Do IFS Therapists Use Clinical Intuition?

• The IFS Core Self Application: Asking the client, "How do you feel towards this part right now?"

Intuitive Attribute - Somatic Tracking: 

• Using Only Pure Intuition: An example of only using pure intuition (without the therapist attuned Core Self) would be making an assumption that a client's tight jaw means they are angry.

• The Core Self Application: The therapist shares her observation with the client without making an assumption. Instead of making an assumption, the therapist asks the client how they experience the tightened jaw and what emotion or thought might be connected to it.

How Does An IFS Therapist Develop IFS-Specific Intuition?

• Doing Their Own Therapy: When I did my first postgraduate training in psychoanalysis and psychodynamic therapy, we were all required to do our own three-time-per-week psychoanalysis for the four years I was in the program.  This was a very important part of the training, along with having three clinical supervisors, classes and seeing clients at the psychotherapy center as a Fellow of the program. A therapist's deep understanding of their inner world allows them to provide safe, effective and ethical treatment. It prevents their own personal biases and unresolved issues from interfering with the client's healing process. In IFS therapy, this means that a therapist maintains a healthy connection with her own parts to keep a clear and open channel for IFS-specific intuition. I will discuss this topic further in another article with regard to. the importance of all therapists attending their own therapy as well as working with qualified supervisors, especially when they are new therapists.

• Choosing Resonating Over Reasoning: IFS therapists are trained to shift from cognitive analytic tracking to somatic and energetic resonance in the room with the client.

• Grounding in Curiosity and Compassion: IFS therapists are trained to ground themselves in calm, curiosity and compassion which is part of the Core Self's 8 Cs (the other Cs are: clarity, courage, confidence, creativity, and connectedness. Intuition can develop naturally when the therapist isn't striving for a particular outcome.

Get Help in IFS Therapy

As I mentioned earlier, IFS therapy is one of many different types of Experiential therapy (the others include EMDR, Somatic Experiencing, clinical hypnosis, EFT couples therapy and AEDP.

Get Help in IFS Therapy

If you have been unable to work through a personal problem or if you have unresolved trauma, you could benefit from working with an IFS therapist.

When you are able to free yourself from your history of distress or trauma, you can lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, IFS, Ego States, EFT for couples, Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapy.

I have helped many individual adults and couples over the years.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

I provide a free 10-15 minute phone call before setting up an appointment.

You can reach me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or you can email me.

Also See My Articles:

IFS Therapy: Is An Unconscious Part of Yourself in Charge of Your Life?

Healing Perfectionism With IFS Therapy 

The Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy? 

In Experiential Therapy There Are No "Blank Slate" Therapists