How Do IFS Parts Work Therapists Use Clinical Intuition?

IFS stands for Internal Family Systems and was developed by Richard Schwartz, PhD, in the1980s (see my article: What is the IFS Therapy Step-By-Step Process?)

How Do IFS Therapists Use Clinical Intuition

IFS therapy is a IFS is a Gentle Evidence-Based Therapy that is called a parts work therapy. There were prior parts work therapies including Ego States Therapy, which was developed by John and Helen Watkins in the 1960s (see my article: How Can Parts Work Therapy, Like IFS and Ego States Therapy, Help You to Be More Creative?).

IFS is one of many types of Experiential Therapy (see my article: Why is Experiential Therapy More Effective Than Traditional Talk Therapy?

I did my original training in Ego States Therapy while learning Clinical Hypnosis in 2012--just before I trained in Somatic Experiencing.

How Do IFS Therapists Use Clinical Intuition?

Most Experiential Therapies use clinical intuition, but each use it in a different way (see my article: What Role Does Clinical Intuition Play in Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy (AEDP)?).

How Do IFS Therapists Use Clinical Intuition

To understand IFS therapy, you need to understand that we are all made of a multiplicity of internal parts. Some professionals use the term "self states" instead of "parts", but it means the same thing (see my article: Embracing Your Many Self States).

Clinical intuition in IFS therapy is the IFS therapist's ability to sense, track and resonate with the client's internal system of parts without relying only on the client's explicit verbal information.

In IFS therapy and other types of Experiential therapies, intuition isn't a mystical or magical superpower. Instead, it is the direct byproduct of an IFS therapist, who has in depth training in IFS, using their Core Self presence (see my article: Discovering Your Core Self in IFS Therapy?

Operating from their Core Self, IFS therapists pick up on the client's somatic shifts, unexpressed and unconscious protective survival strategies and the subtle energy of the wounded parts of the client.

When an IFS therapist has done their own psychological work in therapy, their clinical intuition becomes a highly valuable tool for navigating their clients' complex internal systems.

They do this by:

• Detecting the Client's Hidden Internal Protector Parts: Intuition alerts the IFS therapist when a client says they're "fine" but, in reality, the client has internal protector parts that are trying to protect clients' by blocking access to the more wounded parts of the client to ensure safety. The term "protector parts" is another way of saying defense mechanisms, which is a term used in psychoanalysis and psychodynamic therapy.

• Sensing Their Own Internal Somatic Sensations: The IFS therapist is trained to detect their own embodied experience, also called the felt sense. This might include a tightening in their chest or a noticeable shift in their own breathing. This usually mirrors the client's experience that is unconscious, so the client hasn't noticed it yet.

• Tracking Backlash: Clinical intuition helps the IFS therapist to foresee when she might move too quickly and an internal emotionally wounded part gets triggered if she doesn't follow the step-by-step IFS process.

• Recognizing a Sudden Urge to "Fix" the Client: A sudden urge to "fix" the client or push for a psychological breakthrough is an intuitive signal from the IFS therapist's inner world. Since this could trigger a backlash, the IFS therapist is trained to observe this urge within herself and refocus on her Core Self to work within the client's window of tolerance.

Balancing Clinical Intuition With IFS Therapy's Step-By-Step Process

While intuition can guide the direction of therapy, IFS requires a careful balance to ensure that the therapist is attuned to the client and doesn't impose her own assumptions on the client.

How Do IFS Therapists Use Clinical Intuition

The following is a comparison of when only pure intuition is used rather than the therapist using her own attuned Core Self to understand what is happening to the client.

Note: The IFS Core Self application is the correct way to proceed clinically in IFS Therapy.

Intuitive Attribute: Pacing of the Therapy: 

• Using Only Pure Intuition (without IFS process): An example would be rushing to discover the client's wounded part because it feels open and ready to be discovered.

• The IFS Core Self Application: Slows down to ask permission from the client's defenses first. This is a very important step.

Intuitive Attribute - Interpretation: 

• Using Only Pure Intuition: An example of this would be identifying a client's part without feedback from the client and the part. 

How Do IFS Therapists Use Clinical Intuition?

• The IFS Core Self Application: Asking the client, "How do you feel towards this part right now?"

Intuitive Attribute - Somatic Tracking: 

• Using Only Pure Intuition: An example of only using pure intuition (without the therapist attuned Core Self) would be making an assumption that a client's tight jaw means they are angry.

• The Core Self Application: The therapist shares her observation with the client without making an assumption. Instead of making an assumption, the therapist asks the client how they experience the tightened jaw and what emotion or thought might be connected to it.

How Does An IFS Therapist Develop IFS-Specific Intuition?

• Doing Their Own Therapy: When I did my first postgraduate training in psychoanalysis and psychodynamic therapy, we were all required to do our own three-time-per-week psychoanalysis for the four years I was in the program.  This was a very important part of the training, along with having three clinical supervisors, classes and seeing clients at the psychotherapy center as a Fellow of the program. A therapist's deep understanding of their inner world allows them to provide safe, effective and ethical treatment. It prevents their own personal biases and unresolved issues from interfering with the client's healing process. In IFS therapy, this means that a therapist maintains a healthy connection with her own parts to keep a clear and open channel for IFS-specific intuition. I will discuss this topic further in another article with regard to. the importance of all therapists attending their own therapy as well as working with qualified supervisors, especially when they are new therapists.

• Choosing Resonating Over Reasoning: IFS therapists are trained to shift from cognitive analytic tracking to somatic and energetic resonance in the room with the client.

• Grounding in Curiosity and Compassion: IFS therapists are trained to ground themselves in calm, curiosity and compassion which is part of the Core Self's 8 Cs (the other Cs are: clarity, courage, confidence, creativity, and connectedness. Intuition can develop naturally when the therapist isn't striving for a particular outcome.

Get Help in IFS Therapy

As I mentioned earlier, IFS therapy is one of many different types of Experiential therapy (the others include EMDR, Somatic Experiencing, clinical hypnosis, EFT couples therapy and AEDP.

Get Help in IFS Therapy

If you have been unable to work through a personal problem or if you have unresolved trauma, you could benefit from working with an IFS therapist.

When you are able to free yourself from your history of distress or trauma, you can lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, IFS, Ego States, EFT for couples, Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapy.

I have helped many individual adults and couples over the years.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

I provide a free 10-15 minute phone call before setting up an appointment.

You can reach me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or you can email me.

Also See My Articles:

IFS Therapy: Is An Unconscious Part of Yourself in Charge of Your Life?

Healing Perfectionism With IFS Therapy 

The Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy? 

In Experiential Therapy There Are No "Blank Slate" Therapists

Understanding Proactive Protector Parts of Your Personality From An IFS Parts Work Therapy Perspective

I have written about IFS (Internal Family Systems) in prior articles (see links for these articles. below).

Understanding Protector Parts From in IFS Therapy

As I've discussed in prior articles, from an IFS perspective, we all have many different internal parts or sub-personalities. This is a normal part of everyone's personality.

These internal parts include:

• Protectors (also known as "Managers")
• Firefighters
• Exiles

There is also a Core Self which is not a part. The Core Self is the essence of who you are (see my article: Understanding Your Core Self and Your Parts in IFS Therapy).

In this article, I'm focusing on protector parts.

In everyday terms, an internal protector part is an internal coping mechanism or a behavioral habit that acts early to prevent emotional pain, rejection or failure before it happens. 

Core Characteristics of a Proactive Protector Part

• Future Focused: It anticipates emotional or social danger and wants to prevent it.
• Control Oriented: It manages people, the environment and perception.
• Anxiety Driven: It operates out of fear of vulnerability.
• Unconscious: It usually operates outside of your awareness.

What Are Common Examples of Internal Proactive Protector Parts?

• The Over-Preparer: Over-researching every decision to avoid making a mistake
• The People-Pleaser: Agreeing with everyone to prevent conflict or rejection.
• The Cynic: Expecting the worst from people to avoid feeling disappointed
• The Hyper-Independent: Refusing help so you never rely on someone because you fear they might abandon you

What is the Internal Family System (IFS) Connection

In IFS therapy these protector parts are also known as "Manager" parts. Their primary job is to run your life daily life efficiently and keep your deep-seated emotional wounds completely buried. These wounds include: shame, loneliness or feeling unworthy or unlovable.

Why Are Proactive Protector Parts Considered a Double-Edged Sword?

While you might feel that protector parts keep you safe from immediate discomfort, they often backfire because over time they create:

• Exhaustion
• Prevent deep emotional intimacy
• Lock you into a rigid lifestyle
• Stop personal growth

How Can You Spot Your Proactive Internal Protector Parts?

You can spot proactive internal protectors by looking at your rigid habits, repetitive internal rules and your automatic behaviors designed to avoid discomfort. 

Understanding Protector Parts in IFS Therapy

Since these internal protectors mask themselves as being "just part of your personality", identifying them requires paying attention to how and why you react to daily stressors:

Listen to the Internal "Rule" Language

Proactive protectors run on a strict, conditional logic to keep you safe. 

Listen to your internal self-talk for absolute rules with "I must" or "If I don't":

• "If I don't do this perfectly, everyone will think I'm a fraud."

• "I must have a plan or everything will fall apart."

• "If I open up to them, they will eventually use it against me."

• "I need to fix their bad mood or they will leave me."

Identify Your "Always On" Behaviors

Look at your behaviors that feel compulsive or impossible to turn off. 

Proactive protectors rarely allow you to rest because they believe that lowering your guard will result in disaster:

• Hypervigilance: Constantly scanning people's faces, tone of voice or text messages for signs of anger, boredom or judgment (see my article: What is Hypervigilance?)

• Chronic Over-Scheduling: Keeping your calendar completely full so you never have quiet time to feel anxious or lonely

• Preemptive Exiting: Breaking off friendships or dating relationships the moment they get serious to avoid being rejected first

Track Your Emotional Triggers

When a proactive protector is triggered, you feel a sudden spike of anxiety, defensiveness or irritation that feels disproportionate to the situation.

Here is an example;

• The Trigger: A coworker offers helpful feedback on your project.

• The Protector's Reaction: Sudden intense anger or anxiety and an immediate urge to over-explain and justify your work.

• The Hidden Fear: If my work isn't flawless, I'm completely worthless.

Look For the "Fixer" Mentality

Notice how you handle other people's discomfort. 

Proactive protectors often try to manage other people's emotions so they can maintain the illusion of safety:

• You immediately offer solutions when someone wants to vent.
• You apologize constantly--even for things that are out of your control or not your fault.
• You modify your opinions to match the person you're talking to.

Look For Physical Tension in Your Body 

Proactive protectors don't just live in your mind--they live in your body too. They keep your nervous system in a low-grade, constant state of survival.

Examples include:

• Chronic tension in your jaw, shoulders or chest
• An inability to relax or sit still without feeling guilty
• A shallow breathing pattern when entering into social situations

Get Help in IFS Therapy

We all have many different parts of our personality and no parts are bad, but proactive protectors can have a negative impact on your everyday life and relationships.

Get Help in IFS Therapy

Proactive protectors feel like they are a natural part of your personality, but over time they can be exhausting and counterproductive.

An IFS therapist can help you to transform and heal proactive protector parts who are attempting to protect deeper emotional wounds (also known as "exiles").

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who is an IFS therapist so you can lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), IFS, Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

As a trauma therapist, I have helped many individual adults and couples over the years.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles:

What is a Trauma Therapist?

IFS Therapy is a Gentle Evidence-Based Trauma Therapy 

What is the Connection Between IFS Parts Work Therapy and Neural Networks? 

Looking at Depression From an IFS Perspective 

How Can IFS Parts Work Therapy Help You Discover Your True Self?

In prior articles, I have been discussing how an individual's social media self can create confusion between the carefully curated self and the True Self.

Discovering Your True Self in IFS Parts Work Therapy 

If you haven't read those articles, here are the links:

• Confusing Your Social Media Self With Your True Self 

• How Can Psychotherapy Help With Confusion Between Your Social Media Self and Your True Self?

Confusion About the Real You

Aside from social media, there are many ways you can get confused about your True Self.

Confusion about the True Self often occurs when external pressure, mental habits, or trauma disconnect you from your core feelings, values and desires:

• Social Masking (Persona Confusion)
• The Problem: Confusing your public role with your personal identity
• The Cause: Over-identifying with a job title, social status or family role
• The Result: Feeling empty when you step away from a specific role

• People Pleasing (Fawn Response)
• The Problem: Adopting the opinions or desires of others to feel safe or liked
• The Cause: Chronic seeking of external validation or childhood conditioning
• The Result: An inability to identify your own preferences when you are on your own

• Internalization of Parental and/or Societal Values
• The Problem: Mistaking internalized voices of your parents or society for your own
• The Cause: Growing up in a rigid, judgmental or dogmatic environment
• The Result: Pursuing goals you don't really care about, which can result in burnout, anxiety or depression

• Over-Identification With Your Passing Thoughts and Emotions
• The Problem: Believing you are your passing moods, anxiety or critical thoughts
• The Cause: Lack of mindfulness or psychological detachment
• The Result: A chaotic sense of identity that changes with shifting thoughts and emotions

• Trauma-Based Emotional Numbing
• The Problem: Numbing or disconnection from your body and emotional core
• The Cause: Survival strategies developed to survive overwhelming past experiences 
• The Result: Feeling like a detached observer of your own life rather than a participant

• The "Ego Ideal" Narrative
• The Problem: A preference for an idealized, "perfect" version of who you think you should be
• The Cause: Perfectionism and a refusal to accept your own flaws
• The Result: Rejecting your actual traits, talents and limitations

How Can IFS Parts Work Therapy Help You to Discover Your True Self?

IFS stands for Internal Family Systems (see my article: How Does IFS Therapy Help You to Understand Yourself?).

Discovering Your True Self in IFS Parts Work Therapy

IFS is considered an Experiential Therapy that is different from traditional talk therapy (see my articles: Why Experiential Therapy is More Effective Than Traditional Talk Therapy).

IFS can help you to discover your True Self (also known as Core Self in IFS) by identifying the protective "parts" of your personality that act as a shield to "protect" you from seeing yourself as you truly are in real life.

Understanding the IFS Parts Work Therapy Framework

In IFS "parts" are metaphors for internal aspects that make up your inner world.

IFS views your mind as having subpersonalities (or parts) that are, ideally, led by your Core Self with Core Self being the authentic essence who you are (see below).

With regard to the protector parts, you can think of them as defense mechanisms whose aim is to protect you, but who can get in the way of knowing your True Self (see my article: What Are the Similarities and Differences Between IFS and Contemporary Psychodynamic Psychotherapy?).

Core Self (also called "Self" in IFS): Your true essence characterized by the 8 Cs of IFS:

• Calmness: A grounded, steady state of the nervous system that allows you to observe and manage triggers without reacting immediately (see my article: Responding Instead of Reacting to Stress).

• Compassion:A warm, caring non-judgmental attitude toward yourself and others.

Discovering Your Tue Self in IFS Parts Work Therapy

• Curiosity: A desire to understand your thoughts and emotions (as well as the thoughts and emotions of others) which replaces judgment with an open, inquiring mindset

• Clarity: The ability to perceive situations, thoughts and emotions without distortion or mental fog

• Confidence: An internal sense of trust and capability rather than arrogance or a need to depend solely on external validation

• Courage: The inner strength to face difficult emotions, take risks and navigate vulnerable truths

• Creativity: The ability to think flexibly, realize your potential, and find solutions to problems (see my article: Creativity and Reclaiming the Power of Your Inner Voice)

• Connectedness: A sense of inner unity as well as a feeling of belonging and connection with the real world around you.

The parts include:

• Managers: Proactive parts of you that protect you in the same way that defense mechanisms do.

• Firefighters: Reactive parts that act out when the manager parts aren't enough. Firefighters act out when you feel judged, rejected, ignored or experience other triggers. Examples of firefighter reactions might include drinking, drugging, gambling and other compulsive and impulsive maladaptive behaviors as a way to blunt emotional pain.

• Exiles: Hidden parts of yourself that hold pain and trauma, loneliness, feelings of inadequacy and other painful feelings. 

How Can IFS Parts Work Help You to Discover Your True Self?

With regard to confusing your social media self with your True Self:

• Identifies the "Influencer" Manager Part: IFS helps you notice the specific part of your mind that curates your social media feed. This part strives for perfection, edits your life and seeks mostly external validation to protect you from criticism and other unpleasant feelings.

• Uncovers the Vulnerable Exile: Behind the polished online persona is usually an exiled part that feels lonely, invisible and "not enough". Your curated self on social media exists to prevent you from feeling this deep pain that is held by the exile part, but it comes at the expense of recognizing your True Self.

• Fosters "Unblending": In IFS Parts Work Therapy, you learn to step back from the anxious, image-conscious parts. This process is called "unblending" and it allows your authentic self, also known as your Core Self (or True Self) to emerge.

• Transitions From Only External Validation to Connection: Everyone needs external validation from time to time, but there are some people who rely mostly on external validation from social media. Once you unblend from your manager parts in IFS Therapy, your Core Self can offer validation to your hurt or traumatized exile parts. This reduces your reliance on "likes", comments, views and shares on social media.

What Steps Can You Take on Your Own?

If you don't have access to an IFS therapist, there are some steps you can take on your own:

• Notice the Impulse: When you feel an urgent need to post on social media, ask yourself, "Which part of me is driving this?"

• Extend Compassion: Don't get angry or judgmental with your image-conscious part. Acknowledge that it is just trying to protect you from rejection, hurt and emotional pain and extend compassion to it (see my article: Compassionate Self Acceptance).

• Check Your Energy: Notice if your online sharing comes from a place within you of anxiety, which is a part, or a place of calm and genuine connection (Core Self or True Self).

Conclusion

One short article can't give a complete picture of IFS, but I hope this article provides a sense of how IFS can help you discover and understand the various parts of your inner world.

Getting Help in IFS Therapy

IFS Therapy can help you to discover your True Self and distinguish your core identity from your protective and wounded inner parts.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from an IFS therapist so you can lead a more fulfilled life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have helped many individual adults and couples over the years.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

How Can Psychotherapy Help With Confusion Between Your Social Media Self and Your True Self?

In the current article I'm continuing a discussion that I began in my prior article, Confusing the Curated Social Media Self With the True Self.

Throughout this article, I'll use the terms "True Self" and "Core Self" interchangeably. Both terms refer to the innate, authentic essence of a person that exists beneath social conditioning, defense mechanisms and superficial personality traits. It represents who you are at your most grounded, unmasked and alive state. 

True Self or Core Self can be contrasted with the false self who, according to British psychoanalyst, Donald Winnicott, is a defensive facade built to conform to parental or societal expectations. According to Winnicott, while a false self helps us to navigate certain societal situations, an overdeveloped false self makes a person feel empty, detached and numb.

How Therapy Can Help You Discover Your True Self

If this topic is interesting or relevant to you or someone close to you, I recommend that you read the prior article first.

How Do People Get Confused Between Their Social Media Self and Their True Self?

People confuse their social media persona with their True Self through psychological feedback loops, digital curation and social validation.

Mechanisms of Confusion

• The Feedback Loop: Online algorithms reward highly curated, idealized versions of "reality". Many users internalize this positive reinforcement and, over time, they prefer their the digital versions of themselves.

How Therapy Can Help You Discover Your True Self

• Algorithmic Mirroring: Social media can act as a distorted mirror where it can reflect a "perfect" image back to the user based on likes, comments and shares.

• Cognitive Dissonance: Over time, a painful gap can develop between the messy real-life experiences and the polished, curated online profiles. Many people bridge this gap by pretending (and sometimes actually believing) the online version is their only reality (see my article: What is Cognitive Dissonance?).

Psychological Factors

• Hyper-Curation: Many users selectively post only their achievements, best photo angles and happy (or seemingly happy) moments. Eventually, they can gradually forget that the boring and painful moments are also real and these moments are also part of who they are in real life (IRL).

How Therapy Can Help You to Discover Your True Self

• Immediate Gratification: Dopamine hits from digital applause make the online persona feel more valuable and validated than the offline real person.

• Audience Conflation: People begin to perform for an invisible audience 24/7.  This performance erodes their ability to experience private moments without thinking about how they will post them.

Real World Consequences

• Identity Fragmentation: Individuals can feel empty when they disconnect from the Internet because their offline self lacks a clear purpose and an audience.

• Perpetual Performance: The pressure to maintain the online "personal brand' often leads to burnout, anxiety, depression and a loss of genuine spontaneity.

How Can Psychotherapy Can Help? 

Psychotherapy, especially Experiential Therapy like IFS Parts Work Therapy, can help individuals to disentangle their curated online persona from their True Self by underlying conscious and unconscious needs that drive the digital image (see my article: Why is Experiential Therapy More Effective Than Traditional Talk Therapy?).

Here's how Experiential Therapy, like IFS Parts Work, can address this modern psychological challenge:

Unmasking the Digital Persona

• Identify the Divide: Therapists can help with mapping out the specific differences between your offline reality and your online image.

How Therapy Can Help You Discover Your True Self

• Explore the "Why": Therapy can uncover the emotional and psychological drivers, including the strong need for a lot of external validation, fear of rejection or loneliness, that fuel the curated self.

• Expose the Feedback Loop: It can highlight how algorithms and "likes" manipulate your brain's reward system, which can drive you further from your authentic feelings.

Reconnecting With Your True Self

• Reclaim Somatic Awareness: Clients learn to reconnect with their physical sensations and immediate emotions rather than viewing their lives primarily through a lens of external validation and "shareability (see my article: The Mind-Body Connection: What is Somatic Awareness?).

How Therapy Can Help You to Discover Your True Self

• Clarify Core Values: Therapy can help clients to distinguish between societal and digital expectations to help identify what clients actually care about when no one is watching. 

• Build Self Compassion: Therapy can foster acceptance of clients' flawed, unedited and boring moments, reducing the shame that makes curation feel necessary.

Rewiring Rewards and Boundaries

• Implement Digital Detoxes: Therapists can help clients to develop structured breaks from social media to break the habit of self monitoring.

• Practice "Uncurated" Living: Clients can learn to experience moments that are purely for themselves without documenting them on social media.

How Therapy Can Help You Discover Your True Self

• Strengthen Real-World Bonds: Therapy can focus on deepening face-to-face relationships where you are accepted for your whole unedited self (see my article: What Are the Signs of Low Emotional Connection?).

My next article will discuss how Experiential Therapy, like IFS Parts Work, is especially helpful with these issues.

Conclusion

There are many ways discover your True Self, including meditation.  

Psychotherapy, especially Experiential Therapy like IFS Parts Work Therapy, has the benefit of using real-time emotional processing and relational interaction to uncover the True Self.  

Experiential therapy also offers relational mirroring as an interactive feedback loop, somatic and emotional enactment and personality integration.

Get Help in Therapy

If you are having difficulty with anxiety, depression or burnout, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional who has an expertise in these areas.

How Therapy Can Help You to Discover Your True Self

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a skilled psychotherapist so you can lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

Over the years, I have helped many individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

 

Coping With the Death of an Abusive Parent

One of the most complicated experiences of grief is coping with the death of a parent who abused you.

This is especially true if there were times when this parent was kind and caring and, at other times, abusive or just abusive most of the time, which can create confusion for the child being abused. And that confusion often continues into adulthood.

Coping With the Death of an Abusive Parent

In a prior article, Unresolved Trauma: Coping With a Passive Parent Who Didn't Protect You From Abuse, I wrote about an example of this issue in the vignette in that article.

Under these circumstances, it's common to feel a mixture of feelings including relief, sadness, grief, guilt and shame.

Since the parent who abused you is dead and if they didn't express remorse, this means that they can no longer express their remorse and ask for forgiveness. For many adult children, this is its own form of loss.

How to Process Your Emotions While Coping With the Death of An Abusive Parent

• Acknowledge All Your Feelings: It's important to acknowledge all of the mixed feelings you might have towards your dead parent--all the messy feelings like relief, grief, sadness, anger, resentment, guilt and shame.

Coping With the Death of an Abusive Parent

• Be Aware of Your Personal Survival Strategy: Whether your brain and body are numbing or your mind is overanalyzing, recognize that these are your coping strategies for the moment. Grounding techniques and breathing exercises can help you to stay relatively calm. Exercise, even walking, can help you to release some of this "stuck" energy.

• Grieve For the Lost Potential: You might find yourself grieving for the parent you wish you had and deserved to have in addition to any grief you might feel for your actual parent.

Why is Grieving Under These Circumstances So Complicated?

• Biological Paradox: Your brain's attachment system, which seeks connection, and your threat system, which detects danger, are both activated simultaneously. This can lead to internal chaos for you.

• If There Was No Reconciliation: Death removes any chance for the parent to understand, acknowledge and make amends for the abuse. You are left with many unresolved and complicated feelings that you need to work out on your own or, preferably, with the help of a licensed mental health professional who has an expertie in this area.

• Fragmented Memories: It's not unusual for a parent to be warm and loving at one point and threatening and abusive at other times. This can make it very difficult to understand who this parent was to you and how you feel about them. If the abuse occurred when you were young, you might even experience this parent almost as if they are two different people in your life.

• Lack of Validation: Other people might praise your deceased parent at a funeral or memorial service which can feel isolating because it doesn't match your reality. Even close relatives who might know your parent's abusive nature might tell you, "Don't speak ill of the dead" which can also make you feel alone and lonely in your experience.

What Can You Do to Heal?

• Validate All Your Feelings: Accept that it is normal and common to feel many contradictory feelings at the same time. 

• Prioritize Your Peace of Mind: You are not obligated to place your deceased parent who abused you on a pedestal, nor are you obligated to attend their funeral if it will compromise your peace of mind. Others might not understand or agree, but you have to do what is right for you.

• Externalize Your Emotional Pain: Writing a no-holds-barred letter, which you do not send, or writing in your journal can help you to express all your contradictory feelings and begin to process any unfinished business between you and your deceased parent.

• Get Help in Trauma Therapy: Grief counselors often don't have specialized training in how to deal with complex grief like this. Working with a trauma therapist, a licensed mental health professional who is trained in complex trauma, can help you to work through your mixed feelings and overcome the unresolved trauma. There are various modalities of trauma therapy including:

• EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing)

• AEDP (Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy)

• Somatic Experiencing 

• Parts Work Therapy (IFS and Ego States Therapy)

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

As a Trauma Therapist, I have helped many individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles:

Grieving For a Parent Who Wasn't There For You

Coping With the Loss of a Loved One: Common Reactions 

Coping With Complicated Grief 

Mourning the Loss of a Father You Have Never Known 

Letting Go of Resentment