What is Trauma-Related Masking?

Masking is a trauma-related response where individuals hide their true personality, feelings or behavior and mimic others as a maladaptive coping strategy to present a false self.

Trauma-Related Masking

One of the problems with masking, which is also known as social camouflage, is that it creates a disconnect from an individual's true self or genuine self. 

Another problem is that it doesn't allow for genuine connections with others.

Why Causes Trauma Masking?

Childhood trauma can create deeply rooted feelings of:

• Fear
• Shame
  
• Guilt
• A sense of being unworthy or being unlovable

Masking these and other feelings temporarily helps individuals to deal with social situations where they feel too much stress and anxiety to be themselves. 

What Does Masking Look Like?

Masking can include some or all of the following:

• Suppressing feelings
• Hiding aspects of one's personality
• Trying to mimic other people to act in a way that they think is acceptable to others

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette, which is a composite of many cases, illustrates how an individual with a traumatic history uses masking and how trauma therapy can help.

Jane

When Jane left her parents' home to go to college, she felt anxious about meeting new people in college.

Throughout elementary school, middle school and junior high school, Jane only had one or two friends who made an effort to befriend her. She never invited any of these friends home because her father was usually drunk and her mother was depressed so Jane felt too ashamed to allow anyone into her home.

When she met her roommates at college, Jane felt too self conscious to allow her guard down so she tried to imitate their way of speaking and behaving because she believed this is what she had to do to be accepted.

Trauma-Related Masking

Then, one day one of the roommates, Rita, told Jane she realized that Jane was uncomfortable. She told Jane she wanted to have a genuine friendship with her, but she felt Jane wasn't being herself and she encouraged her to be herself.

At first, Jane pretended she didn't know what Rita was talking about. But a couple of weeks later, Jane confided in Rita that she had been pretending and she felt disconnected from herself for so long that she wasn't even sure who she was anymore. 

Soon after that Jane decided to see one of the counselors in the student counseling unit and the counselor was able to help Jane to cope with her anxiety and shame.  She also helped Jane to get help from a trauma therapist off campus.

The trauma therapist got a detailed family history from Jane and asked her about her goals for therapy. Jane told her that she was tired of trying to hide who she was and she wanted to learn to feel comfortable with herself.

Her therapist explained the concept of masking and this explanation resonated with Jane.  She realized she had been pretending to be someone else her whole life because she was afraid people wouldn't like her. 

Her therapist worked with Jane by helping her to feel emotionally safe in therapy and they didn't start to process Jane's traumatic history until Jane felt prepared to do the work (see my article: Why Establishing Emotional Safety is Essential in Trauma Therapy).

When Jane was ready, she and her therapist used EMDR Therapy and Somatic Experiencing to help Jane to process her traumatic history.

The work wasn't quick or easy but, over time, Jane began to feel like herself. She no longer felt the need to pretend to be someone else. She gradually let her guard down and she realized that people liked her for who she really was and not who she was pretending to be. 

Even more important, Jane accepted herself for who she really was and she felt good about it.

How to Overcome Trauma-Related Masking

• Self Awareness: Self awareness is the first step to overcoming trauma-related masking (see my article: What is Self Reflective Awareness?).

Overcoming Trauma-Related Masking

• Self Compassion and Self Acceptance: Self compassion can be challenging due to shame, fear and guilt, but it's a necessary step on the way to healing trauma (see my article: Acceptance and Self Compassion).

• Trauma Therapy: Trauma-related masking is difficult to overcome on your own, so getting help in trauma therapy is an important part of healing.

Getting Help in Trauma Therapy

Hiding behind a mask can be emotionally exhausting and lonely.

As mentioned earlier, you're not just emotionally disconnected from others, you become emotionally disconnected from yourself.

Getting Help in Trauma Therapy

A skilled trauma therapist can help you to work through unresolved trauma so you no longer feel the need to mask your true self.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional to free yourself from your traumatic history and live a meaningful life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have over 20 years of experiencing helping individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Looking Happy on the Outside, But Feeling Broken on the Inside

Looking happy on the outside, but feeling broken on the inside is a common experience for people who are depressed but who want to appear as if nothing is wrong (see my article: How to Stop Pretending to Feel Happy When You Don't).

Looking Happy on the Outside, But Feeling Broken on the Inside

In many cases, it's not just a matter of putting on a facade for other people--people who smile on the outside but actually feel depressed are also often attempting to convince themselves that there's nothing wrong.  They use the happy outer expression as a defense mechanism to hide their depression from themselves as well as from others.

In other cases, people, who might be out of touch with their feelings, are unaware that they feel depressed.  But, at times, they might notice that there's a disconnect between how they appear to others and what they feel inside.

When they do sense their depression, they often brush it off, so the disconnect between how they appear and how they feel deep down is maintained.

The old saying, "You can't judge a book by it's cover" applies to this problem.  The person who gives the impression of being the happiest might be the person who is really dying inside.

Let's take a look at a fictional clinical vignette that illustrates these issues:

Fictional Clinical Vignette: Looking Happy on the Outside, But Feeling Broken on the Inside:

Toni
Toni was considered a "dynamo" by her friends and colleagues.  She had a dynamic presence among colleagues and friends.  She headed up new projects at work with gusto, mentored new colleagues with enthusiasm, and she often entertained friends at home.

She was always smiling, laughing and cheerful, offering valuable advice and encouragement.  No one would ever know that she felt broken inside.

When she was alone, Toni felt restless and irritable.  She didn't like to have free time because the sadness that was welling up inside her threatened to overtake her emotionally, so she always found things to do to keep herself busy and distracted (see my article: Are You "Keeping Busy" to Avoid Painful Emotions?)

At 32, she was on track to get a promotion to a senior position at work, and she was taking on more and more responsibilities from her director.  As the work piled on and her personal schedule got busier, she was beginning to feel exhausted.

There were times at the end of the day that she just went home and collapsed in bed.  She felt physically and emotionally depleted, but she told no one, not even her close friends, that she felt burnt out (Managing Your Stress: What Are the Signs of Burnout?).

After several months at this pace, Toni found it harder and harder to keep up her facade of being happy all the time.

There were times when she couldn't contain her tears and she closed the door to her office to cry.  Then, she would wipe her eyes, open her door, and go back out trying to appear cheerful.

Looking Happy on the Outside, But Feeling Broken on the Inside

But the exhaustion soon took it's toll, and Toni began getting headaches.

When she saw her doctor and he ruled out any serious medical problems, he told her that he suspected that she was under too much stress and she would soon burn out if she didn't make changes to her lifestyle.

Her doctor recommended that Toni use stress management techniques, like meditation, to reduce her stress.

Toni tried to follow her doctor's recommendations.  She got meditation recordings, including mindfulness meditation, and tried to listen to these recordings at least once a day, as her doctor recommended.  He also told her to come back to see him in a month.

But whenever she listened to the meditation recordings, she would break down crying, and she didn't know why.  So, she stopped listening to the meditation recordings, and when she went back to her doctor and told him about her reaction, he recommended that she see a psychotherapist.

Toni had never been in therapy before, and she told her doctor, "I'm not a weak person.  Why should I go to therapy?"

So, her doctor, who was informed about psychotherapy, told her that it was a myth that going to therapy meant that you're a "weak person" and he also went over the other common myths about psychotherapy (see my articles:  Common Myths About Psychotherapy: Going to Therapy Means You're "Weak", Common Myths About Psychotherapy: Therapy Takes a Long Time, and Common Myths About Psychotherapy: Therapy is "All Talk and No Action").

Toni thought about her doctor's advice.  She had friends who were in therapy and who told her that they were helped by therapy, so she decided to give it a try.

During her initial consultation with her psychotherapist, Toni told her about how she was crying and she didn't know why.  She told her therapist that everyone considered her to be a happy, cheerful, successful person, but sometimes she felt like a "phony" because when she was alone, if she wasn't keeping herself busy and distracted, she felt sad.

As Toni and her therapist talked about her childhood background in subsequent sessions, Toni told her that her parents always discouraged Toni from complaining.  Her mother would encourage her to smile, and her father would tell her, "Nobody likes a sad sack."

So, whenever anything bothered Toni, she would ignore it and try to overcome the problem as best as she could.  She never talked to her parents about her problems because she knew that they would lecture her about complaining (see my article: What is Childhood Emotional Neglect?).

She also described how, over time, she became a perfectionist.  She tried to do everything "perfectly" and "perfect" became her only option.  Her perfectionism was rewarded at school, in college and in her career (see my article: Perfect vs. "Good Enough").

As she continued to talk about her underlying sadness and her need to be "perfect," Toni became more attuned to her underlying feelings.  She realized that she really wasn't happy--she was depressed and she was trying to hide it from herself and others because she felt guilty about feeling depressed, "I have no reason to be depressed" (see my article: Overcoming Guilt and Shame About Feeling Depressed).

Her therapist spoke to Toni about how shame is often the underlying issue underneath perfectionism, and Toni was able to identify with her feelings of shame that she was really less than "perfect" (see my article: Overcoming Perfectionism and The Connection Between Perfectionism and Core Shame).

Her therapist also spoke to Toni about the "false self" vs the "true self" and how at an early age children can learn to put on a facade to appear to be happy when they're not (see my articles:  Understanding the False Self - Part 1, Understanding the False Self - Part 2, and Becoming Your True Self).

In addition, her therapist spoke to Toni about depression and helped Toni to differentiate between feeling sad and feeling depressed (see my article: What is the Difference Between Sadness and Depression?).

Toni began to realize that, once she started pretending to be happy as a child, she became disconnected from her real feelings, and this continued into adulthood.

It was only after she felt the emotional and physical strain of taking on too much and trying to appear happy when she wasn't feeling happy that she started to break down crying.  She realized now that the cumulative effect was too much for her.

Toni felt relieved to have a time and place in therapy to be able to discover how she really felt.  She also appreciated that her therapist was objective and nonjudgmental.

As she continued to work through the childhood emotional neglect and the pressure to appear happy, she began to feel more genuinely herself (see my article: Living Authentically - Aligned With Your Values).

Rather than trying to be cheerful all the time with her friends, when her depressive symptoms were most acute, she spoke to her close friends about it, which was a relief.

The authenticity that Toni felt helped her to deal with the underlying issues that she had been avoiding all along.

Feeling authentic, rather than pretending to be happy, gave Toni an overall sense of well-being as she worked through her depression in therapy.

Conclusion
It's physically and emotionally exhausting to pretend to feel happy when you don't.

The strain of trying to appear happy on the outside when you feel broken on the inside usually catches up with you at some point.  The stress involved can cause medical problems.  And if you're already depressed, it can exacerbate your depression.

Getting Help in Therapy
Being able to let go of the need to appear happy all the time is letting go of a huge burden (see my article: The Benefits of Psychotherapy and The Courage to Change).

Not only does letting go of this burden help you to reduce your stress, you can also learn to feel authentic without the disconnect between your outer appearance and your inner world.

If the issues in this article resonate with you, you owe it to yourself to get help from a licensed mental health professional (see my article: How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many clients get to the root of their need to appear happy when they were feeling deeply unhappy inside.  Free of this need to appear happy, they could go on to live a more meaningful and fulfilling life.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Becoming Your True Self

Discovering who you are can be a lifelong process, especially since everyone changes over time.  In prior articles, I wrote about the false self from Donald Winnicott's perspective and about living a meaningful life (see my articles: Understanding Your False Self - Part 1,  Understanding Your False Self - Part 2, A Search For a Meaningful Life, A Happy Life vs A Meaningful Life and Becoming the Person You Want to Be).  In this article, I'm focusing on how to become your true self.

Becoming Your True Self

There is so much pressure these days to conform to social norms that you might not feel comfortable with, and by conforming to these social norms, you can develop a false or inauthentic self.

What is the True Self?
Donald Winnicott, a British psychoanalyst, identified the true self as being spontaneous, creative and alive (see my article: Recapturing Your Sense of Aliveness).

Developing a true self is a journey and that you develop over time.  There's no such thing as having "arrived" at developing a true self because, as I mentioned before, it can be a lifelong process.

By discovering who you are and living authentically and consistently with your values, you will have more of a sense of well-being.

There's no one way to achieve authenticity (see my article: Living Authentically - Aligned With Your Values), but here are some suggestions that might be helpful to you:

Suggestions For Developing Your True Self

• Keep a Journal: In prior articles, I've written about the importance of keeping a journal.  When you keep a journal of your thoughts and feelings, over time, you learn about what's important to you and what makes you feel authentic.  Keeping a journal allows you to have a dialogue with your deeper self (see my articles: Keeping a Gratitude Journal, Journal Writing Can Help Relieve Stress and Anxiety, and Writing Down the Milestones of Your Life).

• Spend Time in Self Reflection: Rather than keeping yourself busy every moment of the day, take some time to yourself and think about how your past and your current situations affect who you are.  Mindfulness meditation can be very helpful to keep you grounded and to develop insight into yourself and the world around you (see my articles: How to Connect With the Quiet Place Within Yourself and Creating Time For Self Reflection: Mindfulness).

• Talk to Loved Ones Who Are Also Developing a More Authentic Self: When you talk to others who are also trying to live more authentically, you develop insights into your own struggles.  You can also feel supported and cared about by people who are going through a similar stage.

• Read Inspirational Literature About Authenticity: By reading stories about people who have learned to develop a true self or who have struggled with issues around authenticity, you can feel inspired in your own journey.  This includes both fiction and nonfiction (see my article: Reading Literature and the Positive Effects on the Brain).

• Ask Yourself: What is My Purpose in Life?  This is another area that changes over time as you change.  Asking yourself what your purpose in life is helps you to live in a purposeful way rather than just drifting from one day to the next.  When you live your life with intention, your goals will most likely fall into place because you have an overarching purpose and all major decisions will be made to serve that purpose (see my article: Starting the Day With an Intention).

It's not easy to know if you're living as your true self.  It takes time and effort to think about what's important to you and how you will achieve authenticity.  

Even after you identify your core values, you might feel conflicted and ambivalent about your values.

You might be afraid of disappointing people in your life who might have a different vision for you.  It takes courage to stand up for what feels true and right for you.

How Psychotherapy Can Help You Discover Your True Self

We all have certain unconscious blind spots and it's usually very challenging to discover your authentic self on your own.  

Usually, people come up against the same blocks over and over again and they only get so far on their own.  

A skilled psychotherapist can help you to overcome the obstacles, both conscious and unconscious, that are getting in the way of becoming your true self (see my article: How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

While we're all human and none of us can always be our true self, when you live aligned with your values and what's most important to you, you will feel more fulfilled in your life.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individuals and couples.

I have helped many clients to live more authentically.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.