Taking Risks in Your Therapy

Many clients who are in therapy avoid expressing their reservations or negative feelings about therapy or their therapists.  Some clients, who were discouraged from expressing their feelings when they were children, continue the same pattern without even realizing it in their relationships and in their therapy as adults (see my article: Growing Up Feeling Invisible and Emotionally Invalidated).  

Deep down, they don't feel entitled to their feelings.  Other clients are afraid that they will offend or alienate their psychotherapist by expressing negative feelings.  But in order for the therapy to be alive, meaningful and valuable for clients, they need to take risks in their therapy because, if not, these unexpressed feelings contaminate the therapy and have a negative impact on the relationship between the client and the therapist (see my articles: Why Being Honest With Your Therapist is the Best Policy and How to Talk to Your Psychotherapist About Something That's Bothering You in Therapy).

Taking Risks in Your Therapy 

A Childhood History of Feeling Invisible and Undeserving
Clients who grew up in a family where they were discouraged and, possibly, even punished for expressing their feelings learn quickly to keep their feelings to themselves.  Over time, they also learn not even feel their feelings, so they are unaware of their feelings on a conscious level.

This pattern is often carried over when they become adults in their personal relationships and relationship with their psychotherapist without their even realizing it.

Therapists who recognize this pattern in clients need to provide a safe therapeutic environment (see my article: The Creation of a "Holding Environment in Psychotherapy).

Psychotherapists also need to help these clients to identify their feelings so they can express them.  Many clients, who are having the experience for the first time of expressing negative feelings might begin by having big reactions that frighten them once they begin expressing their feelings, so the therapist also needs to help these clients to manage their emotions.

Learning to express negative feelings after a lifetime of bottling them up can be challenging, so clients need to learn to respond instead of react when expressing themselves (see my article: Responding Instead of Reacting).

A Fictional Clinical Vignette: Taking Risks in Therapy
The following fictional vignette illustrates the points that I've made above and how psychotherapy can help:

Beth
Beth, who was in her early 30s, began therapy because she thought she was being taken advantage of in her two year relationship.

She told her new psychotherapist that her boyfriend, Alex, would often assume that when they went out that Beth would pay because she made more money that he did.  She said that, although she didn't mind paying sometimes, she didn't want to pay for their dinner, movies and theater tickets all the time.  She especially didn't want Alex to assume that she would always pay, which he did.  She felt that, although he made less money than she did, he made enough money to offer to pay sometimes.

Taking Risks in Your Therapy

Beth also mentioned other issues in the relationship where she felt taken advantage of.  When her psychotherapist asked Beth if she ever discussed this with Alex, Beth gave her a blank stare and then she gave all her reasons why she had not spoken to Alex about these issues, "It wouldn't make a difference anyway," "He's just like that--he won't change" and so on.

Eventually, over time, Beth came to see these "reasons" as rationalizations and excuses for her passivity.  But, at this point in her therapy, she believed her rationalizations.

It turned out that Beth had so much bottled up resentment towards Alex over the two years that they were in a relationship that she no longer wanted to be sexual with him.  But, until she came to therapy, she never made the connection between her unexpressed anger and resentment and her lack of interest in having sex with Alex.

When Beth thought about it, she said she had always been a sexual person, and she had been very sexually attracted to Alex during their first year together.

Before discussing this in therapy, she just thought that the decrease in her sexual interest was a normal part of being in a two year relationship. But now she sensed how her resentment and anger contributed to the cooling off of her feelings for Alex.

When her new psychotherapist asked Beth if she had ever been in therapy before, Beth told her that she had been in therapy with several different therapists over the last few years, but she left each of her therapists when they said or did something that she didn't like.

When her therapist asked her if she ever spoke to any of her therapists about her misgivings, Beth realized that she never did--she just left abruptly (see my article: When Clients Leave Psychotherapy Prematurely).

Beth described her parents as being emotionally distant and preoccupied with their careers.  As an only child, Beth spent much of her time alone.  She never saw her parents argue, but she also never saw them being affectionate with each other.

She remembered times when she tried to tell her mother about feeling lonely at home and at school, but her mother never wanted to hear it.

Her mother especially didn't want to hear any complaints from Beth about anything going on at home or about Beth feeling angry towards her parents.  So, eventually, Beth learned to keep her feelings to herself, and she approached her romantic relationships in the same way.

Beth's therapist helped Beth to feel comfortable in therapy and encouraged Beth to tell her if she had any misgivings about the therapy or her therapist.  She told Beth that she wanted her to be able to talk about any problems in therapy rather than Beth just disappearing from therapy as she did in her prior therapies.

As Beth continued to attend her therapy sessions, she got more comfortable with her therapist.  At one point, when Beth felt misunderstood by her therapist, Beth broached this topic with trepidation.  Beth felt that her therapist didn't understand what she was trying to say, so she got up her courage to tell her therapist.

But when she began to talk about it, she felt such uncontrollable rage welling up inside her that she couldn't get the words out.  She felt unable to breathe, her heart was pounding, and it was as if the words were stuck in her throat.

Her therapist helped Beth to calm down enough so she could breathe and feel grounded.  Then, even though she still had difficulty, Beth was able to speak clearly and articulate her feelings.

Taking Risks in Your Therapy

With the help of her psychotherapist, she also made connections between her family history of feeling  invisible and undeserving and how this affected her adult relationships.

Over time, Beth gradually became more comfortable taking risks in her therapy. She was able to speak up when she felt misunderstood or something occurred that she didn't like.  Unlike her childhood experiences with her parents, Beth saw that her therapist was open to talking about any problems in therapy and there were no negative repercussions.

Similarly, when Beth felt there was a rupture with her therapist, after she talked about it with her therapist, she also saw that these ruptures could be repaired (see my article: Ruptures and Repairs in Psychotherapy).

This helped Beth to feel more confident in other areas in her life, including her relationship with Alex.  As a result, she was able to talk to him about the areas in their relationship where she had misgivings, which helped to clear the air and also helped them to make positive changes in their relationship.

Conclusion
When clients have problems expressing negative feelings about aspects of their therapy or about their psychotherapist, there is usually a long history of this problem that goes back to childhood.

For these clients, in the short term, it's easier to leave therapy abruptly than take the risk of expressing their feelings and dealing with their fear of rejection or some form of retaliation by the therapist.  This usually results in a string of aborted therapies over time which, in the long run, is usually damaging to the client.

By the same token, these same clients often tolerate inappropriate behavior in their relationships, similar to Beth in the fictional vignette above.  Their anger and resentment have the same effect--they either leave the relationship or the relationship slowly dies because the relationship becomes buried in these unexpressed negative feelings.

If clients, who are reticent about expressing negative feelings, can learn to express these types of feeling in therapy, they can use this skill in their relationships.

At first, it might feel uncomfortable but, over time, clients can become more comfortable expressing themselves, which leads a greater sense of authenticity as well as more authentic relationships.

Getting Help in Therapy
The unspoken and, possibly unconscious, fear that it's dangerous to express negative feelings is very hard to overcome on your own because it's usually so ingrained.

A skilled psychotherapist can help you to recognize and express uncomfortable feelings in an effective way.  She can help you to develop the necessary tools so that you don't feel overwhelmed by your own feelings (see my articles: The Benefits of Psychotherapy and How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

She can also help you express yourself in an effective way--without your minimizing your feelings or overreacting in ways that would be overwhelming to you or to others and make your communication ineffective.

Rather than struggling on your own, you could benefit from getting help in psychotherapy so that you will eventually feel more comfortable and confident in yourself.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many clients to take risk in therapy so that they can lead more fulfilling and authentic lives.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Becoming Your True Self

Discovering who you are can be a lifelong process, especially since everyone changes over time.  In prior articles, I wrote about the false self from Donald Winnicott's perspective and about living a meaningful life (see my articles: Understanding Your False Self - Part 1,  Understanding Your False Self - Part 2, A Search For a Meaningful Life, A Happy Life vs A Meaningful Life and Becoming the Person You Want to Be).  In this article, I'm focusing on how to become your true self.

Becoming Your True Self

There is so much pressure these days to conform to social norms that you might not feel comfortable with, and by conforming to these social norms, you can develop a false or inauthentic self.

What is the True Self?
Donald Winnicott, a British psychoanalyst, identified the true self as being spontaneous, creative and alive (see my article: Recapturing Your Sense of Aliveness).

Developing a true self is a journey and that you develop over time.  There's no such thing as having "arrived" at developing a true self because, as I mentioned before, it can be a lifelong process.

By discovering who you are and living authentically and consistently with your values, you will have more of a sense of well-being.

There's no one way to achieve authenticity (see my article: Living Authentically - Aligned With Your Values), but here are some suggestions that might be helpful to you:

Suggestions For Developing Your True Self

• Keep a Journal: In prior articles, I've written about the importance of keeping a journal.  When you keep a journal of your thoughts and feelings, over time, you learn about what's important to you and what makes you feel authentic.  Keeping a journal allows you to have a dialogue with your deeper self (see my articles: Keeping a Gratitude Journal, Journal Writing Can Help Relieve Stress and Anxiety, and Writing Down the Milestones of Your Life).

• Spend Time in Self Reflection: Rather than keeping yourself busy every moment of the day, take some time to yourself and think about how your past and your current situations affect who you are.  Mindfulness meditation can be very helpful to keep you grounded and to develop insight into yourself and the world around you (see my articles: How to Connect With the Quiet Place Within Yourself and Creating Time For Self Reflection: Mindfulness).

• Talk to Loved Ones Who Are Also Developing a More Authentic Self: When you talk to others who are also trying to live more authentically, you develop insights into your own struggles.  You can also feel supported and cared about by people who are going through a similar stage.

• Read Inspirational Literature About Authenticity: By reading stories about people who have learned to develop a true self or who have struggled with issues around authenticity, you can feel inspired in your own journey.  This includes both fiction and nonfiction (see my article: Reading Literature and the Positive Effects on the Brain).

• Ask Yourself: What is My Purpose in Life?  This is another area that changes over time as you change.  Asking yourself what your purpose in life is helps you to live in a purposeful way rather than just drifting from one day to the next.  When you live your life with intention, your goals will most likely fall into place because you have an overarching purpose and all major decisions will be made to serve that purpose (see my article: Starting the Day With an Intention).

It's not easy to know if you're living as your true self.  It takes time and effort to think about what's important to you and how you will achieve authenticity.  

Even after you identify your core values, you might feel conflicted and ambivalent about your values.

You might be afraid of disappointing people in your life who might have a different vision for you.  It takes courage to stand up for what feels true and right for you.

How Psychotherapy Can Help You Discover Your True Self

We all have certain unconscious blind spots and it's usually very challenging to discover your authentic self on your own.  

Usually, people come up against the same blocks over and over again and they only get so far on their own.  

A skilled psychotherapist can help you to overcome the obstacles, both conscious and unconscious, that are getting in the way of becoming your true self (see my article: How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

While we're all human and none of us can always be our true self, when you live aligned with your values and what's most important to you, you will feel more fulfilled in your life.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individuals and couples.

I have helped many clients to live more authentically.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Psychotherapy Blog: Understanding the False Self - Part 2: Getting Help in Therapy

As I mentioned in the first part of this article, Understanding the False Self, the false self is a phenomenon that develops early in life for some children, usually in response to the demands of dysfunctional family.

Understanding the False Self: Getting Help in Therapy 

Unable to reveal his genuine self, the child learns to ward off emotional or even physical reprisals by appeasing the family and being who they want him to be.

As I stated in the prior article, this is an unconscious defense mechanism that is adaptive in terms surviving emotionally in a dysfunctional family.  But as the child becomes an adult and forms other adult relationships, this defense mechanism is no longer adaptive.  It gets in the way  of the adult knowing what he truly feels and will often keep others at a distance because they sense that he isn't being genuine.

The adult who has a false self defense mechanism usually comes into therapy when either he feels alienated from himself (i.e., he realizes that he's cut off from his feelings) or someone close to him, either a girlfriend or a spouse, complain that she feels unable to get close to him emotionally.

How Therapy Can Help a Client to Overcome a False Self
In my prior article, I mentioned that the therapist, who is helping a client to overcome a false self so he can live more authentically, must work in a way that is gentle and tactful.

Of course, tact and a certain gentleness is required with many clients, but the client who comes in with a false self presentation, even a highly motivated client, usually has a strong underlying fear of letting go of the false self defense mechanism that helped him to survive early in life.

A Client Might Be Afraid to Let Go of the False Self Defense Mechanism

So, even more than usual, a therapist must be especially attuned to what is going on with the client, who might not be aware himself of what he's feeling (see my article:  The Psychotherapist's Empathic Attunement).

Often, clients, who come to therapy after they recognize that they have a problem that is an obstacle in their lives, are in a hurry to "get rid of" the problem as quickly as possible.

While this is understandable, an experienced therapist knows that she must get to know the client before she delves too quickly or too deeply too fast.

A client, who has used a false self defense for all of his life, is often more emotionally vulnerable than he realizes because he has relied on this defense to survive.

Although most people are fairly resilient, a client with a false self defense can become too fearful of doing the work if the therapist proceeds too quickly.  Everything will depend upon the particular client and how strong the defenses are.  It's important that the therapist is empathically attuned to the client
Depending upon the client and what he feels comfortable with, I will often suggest a mind-body oriented approach to help him to begin to feel his genuine feelings.

Learning the Safe or Relaxing Place Meditation

I usually start with helping the client to develop the internal resources and coping strategies that he will need so that he will feel relatively safe in do the work in therapy.  This might include self soothing techniques, like the Safe or Relaxing Place Meditation or breathing techniques like Square Breathing as well as other coping strategies depending upon the client's needs.

I also encourage clients to keep a journal (see my article: Journal Writing Can Help Relieve Stress and Anxiety).

For many clients, it's a matter of helping them to connect to their feelings and where they feel those feelings in their body.

For clients who have strong defenses against feeling their emotions, they might experience a dissociation from their body and might not realize it until they come to therapy.

For instance, if the therapist notices that a client's legs appear tense, she might ask him to feel into his legs and notice what he's experiencing.  For clients who are especially dissociated from their bodies, they might not feel their legs at all.

Since it's always important for the therapist to start where the client is, if the client is dissociated from his body to the point where he is physically and emotionally numb, I often find that using Somatic Experiencing helps the client to reconnect to his body (see my article: Somatic Experiencing: Overcoming the Freeze Response).

So, for instance, if the client tells me that he can't feel his legs from the knees down, I would ask him to notice where he can feel his leg from the knee up.  If he notices that he can sense into his legs just above the knee, I would help him, using Somatic Experiencing, to bring feeling from above his knee to below his knee to help him to reconnect feeling to the dissociated part.

Helping a client to get comfortable with himself is an individual process (see my article: Learning to Feel Comfortable With Yourself).

One of the things that I really like about using a mind-body oriented approach in therapy is that it's easier to titrate the work to the needs of the individual client.

Along the way, the client usually needs to mourn for what he didn't get when he was younger and deal with the trauma of being part of a dysfunctional family.

What Keeps a Client Motivated to Continue to Do the Work in Therapy
Most clients come to therapy with varying degrees of ambivalence (see my article:  ).  This is understandable since change can feel frightening, even when it's a change that a client really wants.

A client with a false self as a defense mechanism might be more ambivalent than he realizes initially because he has relied on this particular defense mechanism, usually, for all of his life.  So, letting it go can feel be scary.

Learning in Therapy to Develop an Authentic Sense of Self

What motivates most people in this situation is that they gradually begin to feel a greater sense of authenticity within themselves and in their dealings with others.  Even though this sense of authenticity might come with fear, it can feel very freeing to be in touch with genuine feelings.  So, this will often motivate clients to stick with the work.

Getting Help in Therapy
Change can be challenging, but living your life detached from your emotions and with a defense wall around you to ward off fear usually leaves you feeling alienated from yourself as well as others.

If you feel you might be emotionally disconnected from yourself and others due to a false self defense mechanism, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional.

Finding a psychotherapist that you feel comfortable with is very important (see my article: How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

Psychotherapy can help you to feel reconnect to your true self and to live in a more authentic and fulfilling way.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Understanding the False Self - Part 1

At times, all of us put on a front, to a certain extent, that is part of self preservation and that we use consciously to protect ourselves in situations where we can't be completely ourselves or say what's really on our mind.

Understanding the False Self

For instance, in certain situations, we need to be able to hide our feelings rather than put ourselves at risk.  Even though we might be masking our feelings externally from others, we still know what we actually feel inside.

In other situations, people, who have a low sense of self, might deliberately lie about who they are or what they have, as I discussed in my prior article, as a way to fit in or get others to admire them.

Understanding the False Self

As opposed to the front that we might consciously present in these situations or the deliberate lie to impress others, the false self that I'm referring to in this article usually develops unconsciously at an early age as a defense mechanism to survive emotionally in a dysfunctional family.

Usually, the child develops the false self at an early age in a family where the child can't be his (or her) genuine self because the family demands the child to behave in a different way.

The Development of the False Self at an Early Age

The term "false self" was originally coined by British psychoanalyst and pediatrician Donald Winnicott.

This unconscious construction of the false self by the child develops as a way to survive and to ward off the anxiety brought on by the emotional demands of a dysfunctional family.  The child knows on an unconscious level that to be accepted and loved in his family, he must behave in a way that is acceptable to the family.

If the child didn't develop the false self, the child would be overwhelmed emotionally.  The family would also probably retaliate against him by labeling him as the problem.

So, the development of the false self as a child is adaptive for the child's emotional survival.  Although it's adaptive for emotional survival, the development of the false self also comes at a great sacrifice to the child, who becomes more and more disconnected from his authentic self.

By the time the child becomes an adult, this false self, which is now so ingrained, unconscious and compulsive, is no longer adaptive and hampers his relationship with himself as well as with others outside the family.  The unconscious false self also stifles the growth of the authentic self.

The dysfunction in the family might be due to alcoholism, drug use, domestic violence or a family that has other family secrets.  The child learns to suppress his feelings in order to fit in and to not get attacked emotionally and, in some cases, physically.

It's not just a matter of the child not expressing his feelings.  The child learns to hide his feelings from himself, so that he reacts in ways that are considered acceptable to the family.  The longer he does this, the more out of touch he is from his own feelings.

People Who Have a False Self Often Have Problems in Relationships
As an adult interacting with other adults outside the family, the person who has a false self presentation usually develops problems in relationships.

While he was a child, the family encouraged him to maintain this false self for what they believe is the emotional survival of the family.  They would have felt threatened by the child who expressed anger at an alcoholic father or who even pointed out that there was anything wrong in the family because this type of family wants to keep up appearances that everything in "normal" within the family.

But an adult who is still maintaining a false sense of self, who is interacting with other adults, is bound to have problems because other adults can usually sense the lack of authenticity.

They might feel like the person with the false self presentation is deliberately trying to fool them in some way.  Or, others might say that the person seemed "nice," but it feels likes there's something "missing" in him.

If anyone were to confront this person that he was coming across as less than genuine, he would probably be surprised and wonder why this other person was criticizing him.  He might feel confused because he's just continuing to behave in a way that he always has and his actions are unconscious.

In romantic relationships, a partner or spouse might feel that she isn't getting to know this person very deeply or that he wasn't allowing her to get close to him emotionally.  And she's probably right because the false self hides the true self, and this is why the person with the false self comes across as inauthentic.

Getting Help in Therapy
People who have lived all their lives with a false self presentation often come to therapy when they're having problems in romantic relationships.  Their partners or spouses usually express feeling dissatisfied or alienated because the false self gets in the way of genuine feelings.

People, who have some insight into what's happening with them, will sometimes express feeling disconnected from their emotions or they feel like they're just going through the motions in life and they feel cut off from themselves and others.

Psychotherapists, who work with individuals who have this problem, must work in a tactful and gentle way because the person who has relied on a false self for all of his life usually comes to therapy in a highly vulnerable state.

Even if someone is feeling dissatisfied and longs to be more authentically connected to himself and others, this defense mechanism is ingrained and not easily given up.

The therapist helps the client, as he learns to gradually give up the false self presentation, to cope with the feelings that come up that were being warded off by the false self.

Getting Help in Therapy to Discover Your Authentic Self

This can be challenging, but being able to live authentically is ultimately a freeing experience and usually leads to a more fulfilling life.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist and EMDR therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Living Authentically Aligned with Your Values

As a psychotherapist in New York City, I often see clients who come to therapy in crisis because they no longer feel confident in themselves, they feel lost, and they don't know what they want to do with their lives or what they want in their relationships.  

Living Authentically Aligned With Your Values

In many cases, their problems started because, somewhere along the line, often without realizing it, they began living their lives in an inauthentic way that was not in alignment with their values.  

Before coming to therapy, these clients have often tried on their own through a variety of methods--talking to friends and family members, attending workshops, or reading self help books--to try to regain their footing, but none of these methods have worked for them. 

Core Values
As adults, we know that we have to make certain reasonable compromises in life, especially for important relationships in our lives. But I'm not referring to reasonable compromises. I'm referring to living in an emotionally inauthentic way that is out of alignment with our core values.

Over time, when we're living in such an inauthentic state, our sense of self can become eroded. Often, in order to live in a way that is so misaligned with our core values, we have to shut down a part of ourselves, so that we keep ourselves from being consciously aware that we're living in a way that is so out of synch with who we really are.

But no matter how much we try to suppress our conscious awareness, our unconscious is usually sending signals to us that become harder and harder to ignore. Over time, this signals often translate into physical symptoms. We might suffer from insomnia or have nightmares. We might feel anxious or irritable. We might get depressed. And we usually feel very tired from the energy that it takes to keep ourselves from being fully aware that we've lost our way.

But how does this happen? And why would people put themselves through such emotional turmoil? Well, the answer isn't simple and there can be many reasons. Often, people who are living out of alignment with their values are trying to please someone else--whether it's a parent or a spouse or a child or a boss. The fear of loss involved with disappointing others might be greater than the awareness of how self destructive it can be when we live in a way that is out of synch with our values. We can delude ourselves into thinking that we can do this without hurting ourselves or others.

A composite account of many cases:

Jane:
Jane was going through a very lonely time in her life when she met Bill. She was in her early 30s and she had not been in a relationship for several years. She wanted very much to meet someone, settle down, and start a family. So, when she met Bill, a handsome, single, charming, intelligent man in his mid-30s with a good job on Wall Street, she was thrilled. They began dating, and he was very kind and generous with her. He talked about wanting to have a family, and Jane could see that he could be a potential partner for her.

Living Authentically Aligned with Your Values

After they were dating for three months, Bill asked her if she would hold onto a package for him in her apartment. Jane sensed that Bill was being elusive about the contents of the package, so she tried to be very tactful when she asked him about it. This was the first time that Jane had ever seen Bill get annoyed. He accused her of not trusting him. Jane didn't want to upset him or jeopardize their relationship, so she assured him that she trusted him and she didn't need to know.

Living Authentically Aligned with Your Values

After a month or so, Bill asked Jane for the package back, and she gave it to him. And this was the beginning of a pattern that went on for a few months. 

Inwardly, it bothered Jane that Bill wouldn't tell her what was in these packages, but she tried to convince herself that it didn't bother her. 

But, finally, after a few months, she felt that Bill owed her an explanation so she asked him again. This time, Bill was more open to talking to her about it, and he confided in her that he was dealing cocaine to colleagues on Wall Street, and he gave her the packages because he feared the police might have him under surveillance and he didn't want to be arrested for drug possession.

Jane was shocked. She had never been involved with anyone who was dealing drugs and she couldn't understand why Bill would be doing this, especially since he already earned a very good salary and bonus. They argued about it, but Bill refused to stop selling drugs. He had lots of "reasons" why he wanted and needed the extra money, and he saw no reason to stop.

At this point, Jane could have made a decision that would been in keeping with what she knew to be right for herself. She was fully aware now of what was going on and she knew that she didn't want to live her life with a drug dealer.

But, more than this, on an emotional level, she didn't want to lose Bill and she didn't want go back to being lonely. So, she convinced herself that she would be able to persuade Bill, eventually, to stop selling drugs to his colleagues and then there wouldn't be a problem any more. But from that moment on, Jane had no peace of mind. She began having headaches and difficulty sleeping. She was nervous most of the time. She began withdrawing from friends. She feared the police might follow Bill to her home and they would both be arrested.

Isolated and in crisis, she began therapy because she could no longer live with the pain of knowing that she was in love with a drug dealer. Only after she was able to admit how miserable she was and that he was knowingly placing her at risk was she able to end this relationship, start the repair work to her sense of self, and begin to understand how her lack of self confidence and loneliness caused her to go down a very slippery slope.

Common Examples of Not Living Authentically, Aligned with Your Values
You might not be able to relate to the above example because it might seem extreme to you. But living out of alignment with your values doesn't have to involve abetting a crime. 

There are many everyday examples of people making big compromises in their lives as a way to avoid the loss of a loved one:

• A son who gives up his dream to be an engineer to become a doctor to please his father


• A wife who stops going to church, even though this has been an important part of her life, because it annoys her husband when she goes


• A daughter who hates lying, lies to her mother's employer whenever her mother is too drunk to go to work

And so on.

Mind-Body Oriented Psychotherapy Helps People to Recover Their Sense of Self
Often, when people are living out of alignment with their values for a while, it becomes hard for them to recover a sense of themselves.

Living Authentically - Aligned with Your Values

Body-mind oriented psychotherapy, such as Somatic Experiencing or clinical hypnosis, helps people to recover their sense of self and get back into alignment with their values. Their logical minds might keep them in denial, but when they are attuned to the the mind-body connection through a mind-body oriented form of psychotherapy, they become attuned to what they need. Mind-body oriented psychotherapy is also often more effective than regular "talk therapy" in helping to heal the emotional damage.

About Me

I am a New York City licensed psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, Somatic Experiencing therapist and EMDR therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Developing Self Awareness and Making Personal Changes

At certain points in our lives, we might become aware that we're either not satisfied with our lives and that we want to make changes. At those points, we might not even be able to identify what's wrong or what changes we want to make, but we may have a vague sense that we're either not happy or we feel out of synch with our environment. 

Developing Self Awareness and Making Personal Changes

This may be the start of a rudimentary sense of self awareness or it might be longstanding feelings that "something isn't right." Even if we're not aware of what is going on with us, other people who are close to us might see it better than we can. One of the benefits of psychotherapy is that it can help us to develop self awareness so that we can start to identify what's not working in our lives and we can begin the process of change.

What Do We Mean By "Awareness" and "Self Awareness"?
A few weeks ago, as I was walking home from yoga class, I walked along a block of beautiful, turn- of-the-century limestone buildings. Now, the reality is that I've walked by these same limestone residential buildings countless times before. On this particular day, instead of rushing by as I usually do, I had a little extra time so I was strolling more leisurely. It was also a lovely, sunny day and I was very relaxed from yoga class and feeling more connected to my environment.

So, as I passed these buildings, I suddenly noticed something that I've never noticed before: Each of these two-story residential buildings has a large beautiful image of a young, serene-looking woman just above the entrance way. I was so surprised to notice this, after all these years, that I stopped to admire the artistry and the detail of these images. The images were very pleasing to the eye and, combined with the serenity I felt from my yoga class, I felt a sense of attunement with my environment and more connected to my own internal response to such beauty.

Developing Self Awareness and Making Personal Changes

Then I thought to myself: How odd that I've passed these buildings so many times before and I've never noticed these images which have been around since the late 1800s. This experience made me think about issues of awareness and self awareness in general. Since that day, I now notice these beautiful images all the time, and I have the same sense of appreciation and well-being whenever I see them.

Developing self awareness is an ongoing process. Self awareness is not a state where we feel that we have "arrived." My example above is a simple illustration. But awareness and self awareness, like many things, are on a spectrum. At the other end of the spectrum, where there is more of a lack of awareness and self awareness, there can be delusion.

What Do We Mean By Ordinary "Delusions" and "Self Delusion"?
For most people, when they hear the word "delusion," they usually think about a form of psychotic delusion: the person who thinks they're Jesus Christ or the person who thinks that the FBI has installed cameras in their house to watch them. But ordinary, every day delusion is not psychotic. It's much more subtle than that. For each person, it starts in a different way but, often, self delusion becomes a habitual form of denial. Over time, self delusion can become a serious emotional problem as we go through life not realizing that we've placed blinders on ourselves--about ourselves, the people in our lives and, possibly, the world around us.

The following vignette, which is a composite of several people with all identifying information changed to protect confidentiality, may help to illustrate the detrimental impact of ordinary delusion and self delusion:

Helen:

When Helen came for a psychotherapy consultation, she came at the urging of her best friend who was worried about her. Helen did not seem concerned about her friend's worry and brushed it off as well-meaning but misguided. She wasn't sure what her friend was concerned about--maybe her friend noticed that she was under more stress than usual at work. Helen also lacked any real curiosity about her friend's concerns. Helen had never been in therapy before, she was curious about psychotherapy on an intellectual level, and she decided to give it a try.

From Helen's perspective, she felt she was under a lot of stress at work--all she really needed was a vacation so she could relax and she was sure that she'd be fine after that. She described a wonderful, "perfect" childhood. She also talked about her husband and her marriage in glowing terms. Other than some recent stress at work, she felt her life was "perfect" and, it seemed, her attendance at the consultation with me was perfunctory. She felt that, at worse, she would be wasting her time and money and, at best, she might learn some stress management techniques to deal with recent work stressors.

Although she expressed her overall happiness and contentment with her life, Helen seemed somewhat disconnected from her feelings, and she had a somewhat rigid and stiff demeanor. Of course, it's not unusual for people to feel anxious during an initial psychotherapy consultation with a therapist that they don't know. So, we agreed to meet for several psychotherapy sessions to continue the dialogue and see what might develop. I was open to Helen's assertion that she was basically fine and, at the same time, I was also curious to see how the therapy would unfold.

Over the next few weeks, Helen continued to come to her sessions saying that her personal life was "perfect." We talked about stress management techniques, which she began to use. And she continued to tell me that she didn't think she needed to be in therapy. However, increasingly, I noticed that Helen's words, her tone, her emotions, and her body language didn't match. While she was saying that her personal life was "perfect" and that she was really very happy, she came across as being unhappy and anxious. When I gently pointed this out to her, she brushed it off, once again, attributing it to her need for a vacation.

When Helen came to her sessions, it was obvious that she was very meticulous about how she dressed. Her outfits were always appeared expensive, of good quality, and always completely coordinated. It was obvious that she spent time and effort wanting to look put together and, from outward appearances, she did look very well put together.

About a month later, which was a week before what was supposed to be our last session, she and her husband went on vacation. Prior to going on vacation, Helen was anticipating coming back feeling relaxed and refreshed. During our last session prior to her vacation, Helen told me that she was using the stress management techniques that we had discussed. She said she felt sure that she was just fine and after the next session, she would not continue in therapy.

The following week, when Helen arrived for her post-vacation therapy session on what was supposed to be her last session with me, I hardly recognized her. Not only was she not meticulously dressed or relaxed and refreshed--she looked almost disheveled. It was also obvious that she had been crying. It took a while before she could gather herself to begin to talk, but when she did, the words pored out of her.

Apparently, during their vacation together, Helen's husband told her that he wanted a divorce. He revealed that he had been having an affair for several years and he realized that he wanted to be with the other woman. He told her that he would leave her well provided for and she would have nothing to worry about financially, but he wanted to move out as soon as they returned from vacation. He was very apologetic, but he had made up his mind, and he saw no reason to delay what he saw as the inevitable.

Helen talked about feeling like she had been beaten up by her husband's words. His words and the reality of their situation crashed through her sense of reality like a ton of bricks. As soon as they returned, he moved out to be with his girlfriend, and Helen felt more alone than she had ever felt in her life. She was unable to eat, she couldn't sleep, she cried most of the day, and she was unable to return to work. She talked about pacing around her large apartment, where she and her husband had lived together for 10 years, and feeling estranged from everything around her.

Developing Self Awareness and Making Personal Changes: Trying to Piece Together What's Happening

To make matters worse, when Helen confided in her best friend (the one who recommended that Helen come to therapy), she found out that her friend had seen Helen's husband with the other woman and suspected that he was having an affair. It seems that Helen's husband had been to local restaurants and he was openly affectionate with this other woman and not at all discreet about the affair. So, on top of her feelings of betrayal about the infidelity, she also felt betrayed by her best friend for not telling her about the affair. Helen also realized that many of her other friends and neighbors probably knew about the affair long before Helen knew what was going on. Her sense of humiliation was profound.

Over time, as Helen continued to come to her therapy sessions and piece together what had happened, she began to see that there had been telltale signs of the infidelity all along that she refused to see. She also realized, when she thought about it, that her friend had tried to tell Helen about it several times, but Helen was so emotionally invested in believing that her life was happy, well ordered, and "perfect" that she refused to hear her friend. She kept her emotional blinders on. The Helen that came to these therapy sessions was angry, sad, hurt, and resentful, a far cry from the person who had been coming to therapy prior to this but, at the same time, she was much more emotionally authentic.

After her initial shock about her husband's affair, Helen realized that she had been deluding herself in many areas of her life, including her childhood and her history with her family. It took this emotional crisis in her marriage to open her to the many lies that she had been telling herself, aided and abetted by her parents, who wanted to preserve an image of the "perfect" family. Helen realized, for the first time in her life, that her father was an alcoholic and her mother was depressed and withdrawn when Helen was growing up. When she finally allowed herself to see the truth about her childhood, she wondered how she had not seen these things before.

As Helen continued to come for her therapy sessions, she realized that, as a child, she had entered into this fantasy world where everything was "perfect" as a way to protect herself from an emotional reality that would have been too overwhelming at the time. Rather than blame herself from these fantasies, she learned to develop compassion for herself. In her childhood fantasy world, she and her family were happy and loving, and no one had any problems. This fantasy was reinforced by her family who presented a happy front to the world around them. And, without realizing it, Helen continued to engage in this fantasy of perfection as an adult in her marriage. So, what started out as an emotional defense to ward off overwhelming feelings as a child became a habitual form of delusion that she continued to live by.

Although it was painful to come to terms with her self delusion, Helen talked about feeling emotionally authentic for the first time in her life. Her words, emotions and overall demeanor were more congruent. Gradually, as she learned in therapy to use her new, fledgling sense of self awareness to change her way of being, she realized the countless times during the day when she was tempted to lie to herself and to close friends about how she felt or about her life.

Rather than deluding herself when she felt uncomfortable about some aspect of herself or in her environment, she learned to stay emotionally attuned and true to her reality. Gradually, she learned to feel more comfortable in her own skin, even when she felt sad, and that she preferred to feel her feelings rather than mask them with self deception. After a while, Helen also realized that her delusions kept her from hearing her best friend's warnings. As a result, Helen took responsibility for the breach in her relationship with her best friend and reconciled that relationship.

Developing Self Awareness, Making Personal Changes and Feeling More Authentic

Helen realized that, even after she left therapy, there would be many times when she might be tempted to revert back to deluding herself because this emotional pattern was so strong and ingrained in her. She knew she would have to continue to work on her own with the skills that she developed in psychotherapy to continue to be authentic with herself and with those who were close to her. 

Even though it was challenging, she preferred to have a genuine sense of emotional authenticity, regardless of whether she felt happy or sad, than to remain in denial and in fantasies about life being "perfect."

Self Delusion is Common:
Self delusion often starts as a way to protect ourselves from unconscious feelings that we fear will be too hurtful and overwhelming. There are many ways to develop a better sense of self awareness and emotional authenticity. Meditation and yoga practices are often helpful tools to develop increased self awareness.

Getting Help in Therapy
Psychotherapy with a licensed therapist can also help you to see where you might be holding onto delusions about yourself or your relationships. 

Psychotherapy can also help you to work towards changing your life to be more emotionally authentic.

About Me
I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find our more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.