Coping With the In-Between State of Change

The in-between state of change can be challenging because you are between an old reality that has ended and a new reality that hasn't developed yet (see my article: Navigating Life's Transitions).

Coping With the In-Between State of Change

Although that in-between state of change can feel scary and uncertain, it can also be a powerful time when many new possibilities open up for you. It all depends on how you navigate that time in your life (see my article: Opening Up to New Possibilties in Your Life).

What Are Liminal Spaces in Your Personal Life?

This in-between state is also known as a liminal space.

Liminal means occupying a place at a boundary or a threshold. 

I'll be using the terms "in-between state" and "liminal space" interchangeably in this article.

Coping With the In-Between State of Change

In psychology a liminal space is a transition or the initial stage of a process. You are at the threshold of having ended something in your life and not yet having begun the next stage.

Some examples include:

• Graduating high school but not yet starting college
• Leaving an old job and not yet starting a new job
• Letting go of an old identity but not yet establishing a new identity 
• Being in the process of moving from an old home and traveling to a new one
• Retiring for a job and not feeling comfortable yet in a new life as a retired person
• Being in the process of making a decision where the status quo no longer fits but you don't yet know what will be next
• Leaving an old relationship and not knowing what comes next 
• Grieving the death of a loved one

How Personal Liminal Space Can Affect Your Mental Health

Most of the time a personal liminal space isn't inherently negative or dangerous. 

There are exceptions, of course: If you lose your job and you don't have savings, it's understandable that you would be under a lot of stress until you find your next job.

In most other circumstances, however, it's your perception of being in an in-between state that might be affecting you.

If you respond to an in-between state as being dangerous when, objectively, it's not, you can feel overwhelmed, anxious and upset because you don't know how to cope with this stage in your life.

This might be especially true if you grew up in an environment where these types of changes were responded to with high anxiety and feelings of foreboding.

How to Cope With Liminal Spaces in Your Personal Life

Everyone experiences transitions in life. There's no way to avoid it.

Assuming that your basic needs are taken care of during a transitional time, you can learn a new way to cope with transitory periods in your life:

• Learn to Accept the In-Between State of Change: Since everyone experiences times when they are in liminal space, rather than trying to resist or deny it, learn to accept this time. Acceptance doesn't mean you like it or you will react to it in a passive way. It just means that you acknowledge that it is happening. Even though it might feel scary and uncertain and you might not be able to control the circumstances, you can control your own thoughts and reactions. For instance, you can't control the death of loved one, but you can find healthy ways to grieve the loss (see my articles: Awareness and Acceptance and Grieving and Healing From Losses).

Accept What You Can and Can't Control

• Create Routines: Creating routines can help to give you a sense of security and stability. For instance, if you have lost a job or you retired, rather than having a lot of unstructured time, create routines for sleeping and waking up, make time for hobbies, get regular exercise or go for walks in nature, etc. (see my article: Starting the Day With a Positive Intention).

Create Personal Rituals in a Mindful Way

• Create Personal Rituals: Whereas a routine is a functional, repetitive task to provide structure and efficiency to manage your life, personal rituals are intentional, meaningful actions that provide purpose, emotion and symbolism. Personal rituals are actions you create for yourself and which exist on a continuum from basic to more elaborate. You can take what might otherwise be a mundane task and create a personal ritual. For instance, if you normally drink your tea while being on "autopilot", you can drink your tea in a mindful way by enjoying the quiet of the day, breathing the aroma, feeling the warmth of the tea and noticing the taste (see my articles: The Power of Rituals and The Power of Personal Rituals).

Practice Mindfulness: Be Here Now

• Practice Mindfulness: Much of the distress of being in a transitional state comes from catastrophizing about what might happen. In retrospect, you might discover that many of your fears didn't materialize. So, to stay calm, take a pause and bring your attention to the present moment. Bring your attention to your body to focus on your breathe. If that feels too challenging, choose a color (let's say blue) and count how many things around you are the color blue. This helps you to orient yourself to your present time and place rather than worrying about what might or might not happen in the future (see my article: Being in the Present Moment).

The Hero's Journey

• Express Yourself in Creative Ways: Much of the current literature and entertainment come from "The Hero's Journey", which the American mythologist, Joseph Campbell, wrote about in his book, The Hero of a Thousand Faces. He identified as a pattern in mythology, both ancient tales and modern stories, where the protagonist travels from the "Known World" to the "Unknown World", faces challenges along the way, meets helpers and returns transformed. The creator of Star Wars, George Lukas, was influenced by "The Hero's Journey". You can also reframe a time of being in an in-between space as being on a journey from the "Known World" to the "Unknown World" and how you will be transformed along the way. You can do this by writing, storytelling or drawing.

Get Help in Therapy

• Get Help in Therapy: If you're having a difficult time coping on your own, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional who can help you to cope with this difficult time. A skilled psychotherapist can help you to feel emotionally supported and to learn new skills and strategies to cope. So, rather than struggling on your own, seek help so you can live a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have over 25 years of experience helping individual adults and couples to overcome trauma and navigate changes in their life.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles:

How Does Imagery and Imagination Enhance Your Life 

Overcoming Fear of Change 

Coping With Midlife Transitions

What is Dual Awareness in Psychotherapy?

The concept of dual awareness is essential in psychotherapy, especially when working on unresolved trauma (see my article: Why is Experiential Therapy More Effective Than Traditional Talk Therapy to Overcome Trauma?).

Dual Awareness in Trauma Therapy

What is Dual Awareness in Trauma Therapy?

The ability to maintain dual awareness is especially important when processing traumatic memories in trauma therapy (see my article: Healing in Trauma Therapy).

Dual awareness is the ability to process traumatic memories while remaining grounded in the safety of the here-and-now.

Dual Awareness in Trauma Therapy

In other words, clients need to balance two realities: the here-and-now as well as the traumatic memory that is being worked in therapy. That means they are aware that, even though they are discussing a traumatic memory, they are safe with their therapist (see my article: Why Establishing Safety is So Important in Trauma Therapy).

Before doing any processing in trauma therapy, it's important for the trauma therapist to prepare clients for the work by ensuring clients have internal and external resources or coping skills, including the ability to remain present and embodied (see my article: Developing Coping Strategies in Trauma Therapy).

To remain embodied means maintaining a conscious connection to their emotions and bodily experiences while processing traumatic emotions (see my article: What is Somatic Awareness?).

Key Concepts of Dual Awareness:

Prior to processing traumatic memories, their therapist helps prepare clients to:

• Balance Two Realities: Clients acknowledge feeling certain emotions related to past traumatic memories at the same time that they know they are safe in the moment with their therapist. 

• Develop an Observing Self: Clients learn to develop an observing self who witnesses their internal experiences (thoughts, emotions, bodily sensations) while processing memories from the past. This observing self can go by many names including Core Self, Adult Self, Higher Self or whatever name is meaningful to clients. Because they have developed a part of themselves that can witness their experiences, they don't feel overwhelmed. This also helps to prevent retraumatization.

Therapeutic Techniques: Trauma therapists often use various techniques to help clients to balance processing past memories with remaining grounded in the present moment. 

Some of these techniques include:

• Pendulation which was developed in Somatic Experiencing Therapy, where the therapist helps clients to shift their awareness from a traumatic memory or experience to a calm or neutral experience or to their Core Self/Adult Self as a way to work on these memories in manageable segments so clients don't become overwhelmed.

• Imaginal Interweaves: Prior to choosing a traumatic memory to work on, clients choose people from their past or present life who would be emotionally supportive. While working on the memory, clients imagine these individuals are accompanying them on their healing journey to undo feelings of aloneness. These people might include a favorite relative, a best friend from the past or the present, a loving teacher and so on. If clients can't imagine anyone they know, they can also choose a person they don't know personally, like a character from a movie or a book, that they can imagine being with them in an emotionally supportive role. In some circumstances, clients might choose someone who they imagine could have intervened directly, like a protective or powerful person who would have protected them when they were younger.  In reality, clients know there might not have been anyone in the original traumatic memory that helped them, but dual awareness allows them to imagine and have a felt sense of being helped or protected.

Dual Awareness in Trauma Therapy

• Breathing Exercises: Being able to pause the work and take a cleansing breath can help the trauma work to remain manageable and tolerable. Clients can also use breathing exercises between sessions.

• Containment: Containment can include clients imagining they can put the traumatic memory away in a box of their choosing at the end of the session. Some clients like to imagine that their therapist keeps the box for them or that they keep the box themselves in a safe place until the next time they work on the memory.

• Learning How to Manage and Reduce Triggers : A trigger is a person, place or thing that causes an unexpected intense reaction related to an experience from the past (see my article: 8 Tips For Coping With Triggers).

What Are the Different Types of Trauma Therapy?

There are different types of trauma therapy including:

• EMDR Therapy (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing

• AEDP (Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy)

• Somatic Experiencing

• Parts Work Therapy (IFS and Ego States Therapy)

Getting Help in Trauma Therapy

Trauma therapy can help you to process traumatic memories so they no longer affect you in your current life.

Getting Help in Trauma Therapy

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who is trained as a trauma therapist so you can live a more meaningful life free from your traumatic history.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy, Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have over 25 years of experiencing helping individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles:

What is a Trauma Therapist? 

Overcoming Trauma: You're Not Defined By What Happened to You 

What is Complex Trauma? 

Healing From Regret

Living with regret can be one of the most challenging experiences of your life, but there are ways to heal.

Living With and Healing From Regret

What is Regret?

Regret is a feeling of sadness, repentance or disappointment over something that has happened or has been done.

Examples of Regret

Here are some of the most common types of regret:

• Not being true to yourself
• Not expressing love or appreciation to a loved one
• Neglecting important relationships
• Hurting a loved one
• Not acknowledging your part in an interpersonal problem
• Losing touch with friends
• Working too hard and missing out on important events
• Bad health habits
• Failed relationships (either not valuing a good relationship or staying in a bad relationship)
• Poor judgment
• Wasting time worrying instead of enjoying the present
• Saying "yes" too much and not knowing how to say "no"
• Saying "no" too much and not knowing how to say "yes"
• Not pursuing passions
• Not taking any risks
• Living a small and unfulfilling life

How to Heal From Regret

Living with regret can be a painful experience, especially if you haven't forgiven yourself.

Most people are inclined to want to run from their feelings of regret rather than allowing themselves to feel it as the first step in healing.

Here are some suggestions you might find helpful:

• Don't Run From Your Emotions, Feel Them: Although it's tempting to push aside feelings of regret, you can take the first step in healing by feeling them rather than running from your emotions (see my article: What Are the Benefits of Experiencing Your Emotions?).

• Accept the Past: You can't change the past, so you need to accept whatever you did or didn't do that causes you to feel regret. Depending upon the circumstances, you might have behaved in a certain way due to whatever information or capabilities you had at the time. Acceptance doesn't mean you like what you did. It means you accept the fact that you did it and you will do better in the future.

• Learn and Reframe: Find the lesson in whatever you did. Journal about what happened and what you learned from it (see my article: Developing a Different Perspective Through Reframing).

• Create Meaning From Your Regret: Allow your regret to motivate you to make a commitment to do better (see my article: The Power of Making a Commitment).

Living With and Healing From Regret

• Be Aware of Your Thoughts: Are you telling yourself that you don't deserve to forgive yourself or you don't deserve to have others forgive you? (see my article: What is Self Reflective Awareness and Why Is It Important to You?).

• Have a Dialog With the Internal Critic Within You: If you have been hard on yourself, you can do a writing exercise where you have a dialog with your inner critic. Acknowledge what your inner critic has to say, ask this part of yourself what it would like you to learn from the experience, make a commitment to do better and ask it to let go of its harshness so you can heal. When I do Parts Work Therapy with clients, I ask them to practice having a dialog in our therapy sessions with the parts of themselves that keep them from forgiving themselves or keep creating obstacles to their well-being. Often these parts want to be acknowledged first before they can let go (see my article: Making Friends With Your Inner Critic).

• Practice Self Compassion: What would you say to a close friend or loved one who had problems forgiving themself? If you can feel compassion for them, can you extend compassion to yourself? Recognize that making mistakes is part of being human (see my article: Acceptance and Self Compassion).

• If Possible, Make Amends: If it's possible without crossing a boundary with others, apologize or make things right.  If it's not possible to make amends because to do so would be violating another's boundary or it would be unsafe for yourself, act in their honor or help others. Examples of this might include:

• Engaging in Acts of Service: This includes volunteering or helping in your community.

• Creating Unsent Letters: If you can't have direct closure, you can write letters that you will not send because to do so would be crossing a boundary. The act of writing an unsent letter can be healing.

• Focus on the Present: Since you can't change the past, focus on the present. Create new goals for yourself that align with your values.

• Get Help From a Mental Health Professional to Change Your Behavior and to Heal: If you're having problems understanding why you acted in a way that you now regret, you can gain insight, make changes and forgive yourself with the help of a licensed mental health professional who helps clients with overcoming regret.

Also See My Articles: 

Balancing Fear of Failure vs Future Regret 

Strategies For Making Changes in Your Life

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have over 25 years of experience helping individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

 

What is Transference in Relationships?

I discussed the topic of transference in prior articles as it relates to psychotherapy (see the list of articles at the end of this article).

In the current article, I'm focusing on transference in relationships.

Aside from the transference that clients experience in therapy, transference can also occur in everyday relationships, especially romantic relationships.

Transference in Relationships

In general, transference occurs on an unconscious level when you redirect feelings, attitudes and behavior from the past onto a person in your current life. These can be both positive and negative feelings.

Transference can cause you to react to someone in your current life as if they were someone from your past.  Transference tends to happen more in intimate relationships.

This often leads to misunderstandings in your relationship and emotional responses that don't belong to the present relationship.  This usually occurs because you have unresolved issues from the past that get played out in your relationship.

One of the keys to having healthier relationships is to recognize and understand when you're transferring these feelings and attitudes from the past into your present circumstances (see my article: Learning to Separate Then From Now).

What Does Transference Look Like in Relationships?

• Redirecting Feelings: You redirect feelings from the past onto your current partner. 

• Unconscious Behavior: When you redirect feelings from the past onto your partner, this happens on an unconscious level. For instance, let's say you grew up with a critical father when you were a child and, now that you're an adult, your partner tries to be supportive by making a suggestion about how you can do something in a better way. If you're experiencing transference for your partner, you could hear their suggestion as being critical when it's not. If so, you could experience unexplained anxiety, anger or resentment towards your partner--similar to what you felt towards your critical father. You might get confused about your feelings in the current circumstances because the trigger is outside of your awareness (see my article: Coping With Triggers).

Transference in Relationships

• Replaying Old Patterns: You can replay old patterns from the past in your current relationship and, over time, this leads to unhealthy dynamics between you and your partner.

• Intense Reactions: As mentioned above, reacting to your partner as if they were someone from your past can lead to disproportionate reactions in your current relationship (see my article: Reacting to the Present Based on Your Past).

How Can You Manage Transference in Your Current Relationship?

• Develop Awareness: Notice when your reactions seem out of proportion to the situation. Ask yourself:
• Why am I having such a strong reaction to my partner when they're trying to be supportive?
• Have I felt this way before?
• When have I felt this way before?
• What was happening in that past situation?
• How do these feelings from the past remain unresolved for me?

• Be Aware of the Differences Between the Past and the Present: Be aware of how your partner is different from the person in your past. This is often easier said than done when you're trying to do it on your own (see my article: Making the Unconscious Conscious).

• Separate the Past From the Present: Make an effort to separate your past self from your present self. For instance, recognize that you're no longer a child struggling with this issue when you experienced it in the past. Also, separate your partner as an individual from the person you reacted to in the past. 

Transference in Relationships

• Communicate: Once you realize you reacted to your partner as if they were someone from the past, communicate this openly to your partner. This can help your partner to understand why you had such a strong reaction towards them. It can also help you to express your feelings under the current situation (as opposed to the past). You can also get clarification from your partner as to what they were actually trying to communicate to you as opposed to what you thought they were saying.

• Seek Help in Therapy: A licensed mental health professional, who is a trauma therapist, can help you to explore the origins of these feelings, learn how to cope with them and, ultimately, learn how to work through whatever unresolved traumatic feelings you have from the past (see my article: Working Through Unsolved Trauma From the Past So It No Longer Affects You in the Present).

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette is a composite of many different cases with all identifying information changed to protect confidentiality:

Jim

Jim and his wife, Tina, usually got along well. But whenever Jim heard Tina telling him how he could be more organized, no matter how kind and supportive she tried to say it, Jim experienced her comments as critical and he reacted angrily.

Transference in Relationships

Immediately after he reacted, he realized his reaction was out of proportion to what Tina was saying to him and he felt confused, guilty and ashamed. Then, he would apologize to Tina and tell her, "I'm sorry. I don't know what came over me. I realize now you're trying to be supportive, but when you said it, I got angry."

Tina usually accepted Jim's apology, but after this occurred several times, she suggested he get help in therapy because she was fed up with his reactions. 

She told him, "I'm afraid to make any kind of suggestion to you, but now that you're calm again, I think you should get help in therapy because you keep having these big reactions and I'm getting fed up."

Jim realized that, even though he felt regret and remorse for overreacting, if he continued to react this way towards Tina, she might leave him. So, he obtained a referral from his primary care physician for psychotherapy.

Jim's doctor referred him to a trauma specialist.

After getting a thorough family history, the trauma therapist helped Jim to realize his reaction belonged to unresolved issues with his father. She told him he was reacting to Tina as if she was his critical father.

Jim told his therapist that his father had a hair trigger temper and whenever Jim made a mistake as a child, instead of trying to be supportive and helpful, his father would lose his temper and criticize Jim.

Jim recalled that, over the course of his childhood, his father yelled at him many times for small mistakes. His father also humiliated him in front of his friends and other family members which left Jim feeling ashamed, angry and upset.

Since Jim's father died, it was no longer possible for Jim to work out these issues with him. But Jim also knew that even if his father was still alive, his father wouldn't have been open to talking about it.

Over time, Jim's therapist helped him to work through his unresolved feelings from the past using EMDR and Parts Work Therapy. 

The work was neither quick nor easy, but Jim stuck with it because he wanted to save his marriage and he didn't want to continue to reacting in the present based on unresolved issues from the past.

As Jim learned to be aware of the present versus the past and to communicate better with Tina, their relationship improved.

By the time he completed trauma therapy, Jim felt relieved to no longer being carrying a burden from the past.

Conclusion

Transference occurs on an unconscious level when you redirect feelings, attitudes and behavior from the past to someone in your present life.

Transference can occur in any relationship including with your partner, a friend, a family member or your therapist.

Getting Help in Therapy

When you learn to distinguish your unconscious feelings in the present from your unresolved feelings from the past, you can develop a more conscious awareness of what's happening to you.

Although you might realize after you react that you're really reacting to some unresolved issue from the past, your awareness might not be enough to keep you from continually reacting this way.

A licensed mental professional, who is trained to help clients to work through unresolved trauma is called a trauma therapist (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

A trauma therapist can help you to work through unresolved problems from the past so you're no longer getting triggered and overreacting with your partner.

Once you have worked through your unresolved problems, you can have a healthier relationship and live a more meaningful life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist

As a trauma therapist, I have helped many individual adults and couples to work through unresolved traumatic issues.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

My Other Articles About Transference:

What is Transference in Psychotherapy?

Psychotherapy and the Erotic Transference 

Boundary Violations in Therapy  

Psychotherapy and the Idealized Transference. 

Understanding Dismissive Behavior

I've written about emotional validation in relationships before (see my article: What is Emotional Validation and Why Is It Such a Powerful Skill in a Relationship?).

Understanding Dismissive Behavior

In the current article I'm focusing on invalidating and dismissive behavior.

What is Dismissive Behavior?

Dismissive or invalidating behavior includes:

• Devaluing someone's concerns
• Minimizing someone's thoughts and feelings
• Eye rolling 
• Sarcasm
• Interrupting the other person and changing the subject
• Stonewalling (the "silent treatment")
  
• Completely ignoring someone's concerns

I will be using the terms dismissive and invalidating behavior, which are the same, interchangeably throughout this article.

Dismissive behavior can occur in relationships, friendships, social situations, work settings and any other setting where there are two or more people.

What Causes Dismissive Behavior?

Dismissive behavior is usually rooted in various underlying experiences.

It's important to understand the cause of dismissive behavior in order to have empathy for the  person who is being dismissive and find ways to address this behavior.  

Here are some of the most common causes:

• Lack of Awareness: Some individuals might lack self awareness about their dismissive behavior and the impact on others (see my article: What is Self Reflective Awareness?).

• Insecurity or Defensiveness: Individuals who feel insecure or defensive might engage in dismissive behavior in order to protect themselves emotionally.

• Childhood Experiences: Individuals who grew up in an environment where their thoughts and emotions were invalidated, learned to dismiss other's experiences.

Understanding Dismissive Behavior

• Cultural or Societal Norms: People who grew up in a culture or a society where emotional expression was discouraged learn to dismiss others' emotional expressions.

Understanding Dismissive Behavior

• Power Dynamics: Dismissive behavior often occurs in workplace dynamics, especially where the person who is being dismissive is in a higher position.

Vignettes

The following vignettes, which are composites of many different cases, illustrates dismissive behavior in various settings:

• Family Dynamics: After considering how to approach her older sister, Jean, for months, Tina invited Jean, over for coffee to talk about Jean's dismissive behavior. Once they were settled in Tina's kitchen, Tina told Jean she felt hurt by Jean's dismissive behavior. Specifically, Tina felt hurt when she tried to talk to Jean a few weeks before about how she was affected by Jean hitting her and making fun of her when they were children. Initially, Jean dismissed this like she had before, "That was so long ago. You need to get over it." Even though this was hurtful for Tina to hear, she persisted and told her how Jean's behavior affected her during their childhood and even into early adulthood. She also talked about how this behavior affected her feelings for Jean. At that point, Jean realized this was important. She listened carefully to Tina and expressed her sincere apology. She also told her she didn't want to lose her and asked her how she could make it up to her. Tina felt relieved that Jean was taking her seriously. They both agreed to keep talking and to find ways to strengthen their bond. Over time, Jean realized she was also emotionally dismissed by their father. She thought about how this affected her and promised Tina she would stop being dismissive.

Understanding Dismissive Behavior

• Relationships: A few months into their relationship, Renee confronted her boyfriend, Tom, about his dismissive behavior. Initially, Tom shrugged it off and told Renee, "You're being too sensitive." But when Renee told him she didn't want to be in a relationship with a man who dismissed her feelings, Tom took her seriously. He told Renee he loved her and he didn't want this to come between them. He realized he also heard a similar complaint from his best friend, so he decided to get help in therapy to become more self aware and learn how to stop engaging in this behavior.

Understanding Dismissive Behavior

• Friendships: Lena and Ginny were best friends since childhood. Lena always felt inferior to Ginny because she thought Ginny was more attractive and she knew how to navigate social situations with ease. After Lena began therapy, she realized there was another reason why she felt inferior to Ginny: Ginny tended to dismiss Lena's feelings. When she realized this, Lena summoned her courage to talk to Ginny about it.  Ginny was shocked. She told Lena she didn't realize she was being dismissive and she never would intentionally hurt Lena's feelings. She told Lena she would be more aware of her behavior so she wouldn't ruin their friendship.

Understanding Dismissive Behavior

• Power Dynamics at Work: Whenever John made suggestions in the staff meetings, his boss, Ed, would either dismissive John's ideas as being unworkable or he would ignore them altogether. He frequently responded to John by rolling his eyes or making sarcastic remarks which was hurtful and humiliating for John. But when John discovered that Ed talked to the company vice president, Nick, about one of John's ideas and Ed tried to pass it off as his own, John felt angry. In response, John spoke to his human resources representative, Liz, to ask her how he should handle the situation. She called a meeting with John, Ed, Nick and another manager, Gail, who had been at the staff meeting who heard John make the suggestion that Ed was now taking credit for with Nick. As soon as the topic was brought up in that meeting, Ed realized Gail knew it wasn't his idea. Initially, he tried to pretend he forgot it was John's idea. When he realized no one believed him, he apologized to John. After that, Ed stopped dismissing John's ideas and he treated him in a respectful way.

Here are some proactive strategies if you feel your feelings are being dismissed in a personal relationship:

• Develop Self Awareness: Consider your own behavior and whether you're also contributing to the problem by engaging in dismissive behavior.

• Practice Empathy: The other person's dismissive behavior might be unintentional. In other words, they might not realize they're being dismissive. Try to understand the underlying causes and approach the person with empathy rather than outward displays of anger or defensiveness.

Understanding Dismissive Behavior

• Set Boundaries: Communicate your expectations in a clear way. Let the other person know how their dismissive behavior affects you. Instead of being accusatory, use "I" statements to keep the focus on the effect this behavior has on you and why it's important to resolve this problem (see my article: How to Set Boundaries Without Guilt).

• Seek Support in Therapy: If you're unable to resolve the problem, seek help in therapy to gain insight and learn effective strategies to deal with your situation.

Getting Help in Therapy

As mentioned earlier, addressing dismissive behavior can be challenging.

Getting Help in Therapy

A skilled psychotherapist can help you to develop the necessary tools and strategies for addressing someone's dismissive behavior. 

A trauma therapist can help you to overcome the traumatic impact of longstanding dismissive behavior.

Rather than struggling alone, seek help so you can lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.