Understanding the Negative Impact of Cognitive Dissonance For You and Your Loved Ones

What is Cognitive Dissonance?

Cognitive dissonance is the psychological discomfort you feel when you hold contradictory thoughts, beliefs values, or attitudes as it relates to your decisions and behavior (see my article: Living Authentically Aligned With Your Values).

What is Cognitive Dissonance?

When there's discomfort due to inconsistencies in what you believe and how you behave, you tend to do whatever you can to minimize your discomfort.

You might attempt to relieve your discomfort by avoiding, rejecting, minimizing or explaining away any information that highlights the fact that your behavior and your beliefs aren't in alignment (see my article: Understanding Internal and External Defense Mechanisms - Part 1 and Part 2.

What Are the Telltale Signs of Cognitive Dissonance?

• You feel uncomfortable before you make a decision or take action which goes against your values and beliefs.

• You try to rationalize a decision or an action you have taken (this includes rationalizing to yourself as well as others).

Telltale Signs of Cognitive Dissonance

• You feel embarrassed or ashamed of a decision you have made or an action you have taken so you try not to think about it and you also try to hide it from others.

• You feel regret, guilt or shame about something you have done in the past.

• You do things that are against your values and beliefs due of social pressure and because you don't want to feel left out.

What Are Examples of Cognitive Dissonance?

The following are examples of cognitive dissonance, which you might recognize in yourself:

• You know that smoking cigarettes (or vaping) is harmful to your health, but you rationalize continuing to smoke (or vape) by telling yourself that you're experiencing a lot of stress and you'll give up tobacco tomorrow.

• Your doctor told you that you need to stop drinking because you have liver damage, but you find ways to justify continuing to drink by telling yourself you'll give up drinking as part of your New Year's resolutions. But you don't stop by the deadline you've given yourself.  Despite the fact you haven't stopped, you tell yourself (and others) you can stop at any time.

Cognitive Dissonance Related to Your Health and Well-Being

• You want to lose weight, but you consistently overeat and tell yourself you'll start the diet next week. 

• You value your personal integrity, but you're having an extramarital affair and you're lying to your spouse about what you're doing when you're with your affair partner (see my article: The Allure of the Extramarital Affair).

• You made a commitment to your spouse to tackle a task at home, but while your spouse is out, you spend the day on your computer. When your spouse gets home, you say you'll get started on the project tomorrow, but you keep finding ways to put off doing it. You also get annoyed when your spouse wants you to be accountable.

• You make a commitment to yourself that you'll save a certain amount of money by a specified date, but you spend any extra cash you get before you save it.

What Kinds of Situations Can Lead to Cognitive Dissonance?

• External Pressure and Expectations: You might feel forced to comply with external expectations from your work, school or in a social situation that go against your beliefs, values or attitudes. Here are examples:

• Your boss says you must lie to a client you value and put your relationship with the client in jeopardy in order to increase your sales (see my article: Coping With a Difficult Boss).

Cognitive Dissonance and External Pressure

• You're with friends who are engaging in racial slurs and, even though you feel uncomfortable because racism is against your values, you don't say anything because you fear being ostracized from the group, but you also feel ashamed of yourself.

• You're in a monogamous relationship and being faithful to your partner is an important value to you. But you're at a bar with your buddies, they pressure you to pick up a woman at the bar and take her home. Initially, you refuse and they respond by calling you "whipped" and a "wuss." So, you go along with taking a woman home and cheating on your partner because you can't handle your friends' pressure and derogatory comments. Afterwards, you feel ashamed, but you justify your decision by telling yourself that you're not married so you can sleep with other women--even though you promised your partner to be faithful (see my article: Are Toxic Secrets Ruining Your Relationship?)

• Decisions: You're in conflict about two options when you're trying to make a decision. You can only choose one option, which makes you feel uncomfortable.  After you make a choice, you realize you made the wrong decision. You try to make yourself feel better about the conflict by justifying why you made a particular choice.

• New Information: You receive new information about a decision you made that reveals you didn't take into account all the information relevant to your decision. To ward off feelings of discomfort, you either discredit the information or find other ways to justify your behavior--even though you know the choice you made was harmful to you and others.

What is the Impact of Cognitive Dissonance?

Cognitive dissonance makes you feel uncomfortable, and the greater discrepancy between your behavior and your attitudes, beliefs and values, the more uncomfortable you're likely to feel.

Your discomfort can include the following:

• Anxiety
• Guilt
• Shame
• Embarrassment
• Sadness
• Regret
• Anger towards yourself
• Disappointment in yourself
• Stress

Over time, cognitive dissonance can erode your sense of self and impair your self esteem.

You might try maladaptive ways to reduce your discomfort by:

• Engaging in denial by convincing yourself you didn't behave in a way that was against your values or beliefs

• Maintaining toxic secrets and hiding your behavior from your partner, your family and other significant people in your life

• Seeking only information that conforms to your behavior, which is called confirmation bias, and which has a negative impact on your ability to think critically.

Coping With Cognitive Dissonance in a Healthy Way

So far, I've provided maladaptive examples of how you might be trying to deal with cognitive dissonance.

Here are more adaptive ways of coping:

• Slow Down and Develop Greater Self Awareness: Instead of finding ways to deny your internal conflicts, become aware of these conflicts and the negative impact they have on you and your loved ones. You can try doing this through a mindfulness meditation, journaling or seeking emotional support from a trusted friend who can be compassionate and objective.

Coping with Cognitive Dissonance in a Healthy Way

• Clarify Your Beliefs, Attitudes and Values: Take time to think carefully and make a list about what's important to you in terms of your beliefs, attitudes and values.

• Practice Self Compassion: Instead of beating yourself up, practice self compassion, which is essential for emotional healing.

• Make a Plan For Real Change: After you have clarified what's most important to you, make a plan for real change. For example, if you want to stop smoking (or vaping), make a plan to get help that will be effective and one that you can maintain.

• Engage in Self Care: Reflect on what you need to do to take care of yourself without making excuses and then stick with your plan.

• Get Help in Therapy: Coming to terms with the conflicts between your behavior and your values can be difficult, especially if you're in the habit of making excuses, deceiving yourself and others or finding loopholes for your behavior.  A skilled therapist can help you to:

• Discover the underlying issues that have created this problem

Get Help in Therapy

• Develop the necessary internal resources and coping skills to overcome these issues

• Develop a plan to make changes

• Help you to stick with your plan and avoid the pitfalls and obstacles from the past

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Kinky Sex: What is Cuckolding?

In my previous article, What is Kinky Sex?, I began a discussion about kinks and kinky sex, including a brief explanation of cuckolding.  

Kinky Sex: Cuckolding

In the current article, I'm taking a more in-depth look at cuckolding, which is a particular type of threesome.

Even though there are many people who engage in cuckolding as part of kinky sex, it's a sexual activity that many others don't know about. 

What is the Historical Meaning of a "Cuckold"?

Historically the term "cuckold" goes back to at least the 16th century.

Back then, a cuckold was an unwitting heterosexual man betrayed by his wife, who was having sex with another man. 

To be a cuckold back then was shameful, and the cuckold was looked down upon as a fool.

What is the Current Use of the Terms "Cuckold," "Cuck" or "Cuckolding"?

The current use of "cuck," "cuckold," and "cuckolding" is is now associated with anyone who is fully aware and enjoys seeing a partner having consensual sex with someone else.  

Similarly, the significant other and the third party are also fully aware of the circumstances, which are consensual and worked out in advanced.

As previously mentioned, cuckolding is usually a particular type of threesome.

In addition, this kink can be practiced by heterosexuals, gay men, lesbians, bisexuals, and trans men and women, so it's no longer viewed as a sexual activity limited to heterosexuals.

Cuckolding as a Contemporary Fetish or Kink

Cuckolding is a contemporary consensual fetish or kink in which someone gets turned on by watching their partner have consensual sex with someone else (see my article: What is Sexual Consent?).

When the sexual activity involves a person watching a partner having sex with another person, the person watching is the "cuckold" or "cuck," and the third party who is having sex with the other partner is called the "bull."  

Cuckolding as a Sexual Fantasy

Cuckolding remains a sexual fantasy for many people which they don't actually want to do in real life.

Kinky Sex: Cuckolding

Sometimes cuckolding remains a fantasy because, like many other sexual fantasies, fantasizing about it is enough for sexual arousal without enacting it.

Some people, who like to fantasize about cuckolding, don't share their fantasy with their partner.  They want to keep it as their personal fantasy and use it for solo sex (masturbation).

Other times, cuckolding often remains a fantasy because the partner, who gets turned on by it, is either too ashamed to talk to their partner about it or knows cuckolding would be a turn-off for their partner.

The Hidden Nature of Cuckolding 

Couples who engage in cuckolding might be part of a kink or fetish community, but they usually keep their kink hidden from most other people outside that community because they don't want to be judged, shamed or have it used against them.

Even though cuckolding is more common than it used to be and it's not against the law between consenting adults, there's still the potential risk that it could be used against a couple by unscrupulous people in child custody cases, career matters and in other circumstances. The potential risk is similar to revealing other kinks and fetishes.

Why Do People Get Turned On By Watching Their Partners Have Sex With Others?

Kinks and fetishes are personal preferences and choices.

One person's sexual turn-on is another person's turn-off (see my article: Don't Yuk Anybody's Yum).

Like many other sexual kinks and fetishes, cuckolding fascinates many people for the following reasons: 

• The Excitement of Breaking the Rules of Conventional Monogamy: What is perceived as sexually forbidden in conventional society is exciting to many people. And the feeling that cuckolding "breaks the rules" of conventional monogamy gives many people an adrenaline rush (see my article: A Cornerstone of Eroticism: Violating Prohibitions By Breaking the Rules).

• Masochism Through Consensual Humiliation: The cuck usually finds it exciting to give up power and watch their partner have sex with someone else. This is a form of consensual humiliation for the cuck. In addition, when it's a man watching his female partner having sex with a third party, the third party is often younger, better looking, stronger or, if he is a man, has a bigger penis.  All of this is a form of humiliation. As a result, this aspect of cuckolding is in the masochistic realm of sadomasochism for the cuck. The humiliation, which is usually negotiated in advance, can take the form of the other man making derogatory remarks about the cuckold's penis by telling him that he has a "small dick." Another example is when everyone involved agrees in advance that the female partner might say she's experiencing "the best sex" of her life while she's having sex with the other man, which is another form of humiliation and, therefore, masochistic for the cuck.

• Sadism and Masochism Through Consensual Humiliation: In certain instances, the cuck might be sadistic towards the partner. For instance, with consensual agreement from everyone involved, the partner might act as if he is "degrading" the woman by "pimping her out" to another man.  In that case, the cuck derives pleasure from playing the part of a sadistic partner who is "punishing" his partner.  The woman derives sexual pleasure from playing the role of degraded partner, which is masochistic.  Sometimes the cuck is present in the room where the "bull" is having sex with the third party.  Other times the cuck chooses to be in another room listening to the other two having sex--another example of masochism.

• The Consensual Voyeuristic and Exhibitionistic Nature of Cuckolding: Cuckolding also involves consensual voyeurism by the person watching and consensual exhibitionism by the two people having sex.  This isn't illegal voyeurism and exhibitionism, which involves nonconsensual acts.  

• The Partner Having Sex Feels Sexually Desirable: The partner who is having sex with the third party usually feels sexually desirable, which makes cuckolding exciting for person who is the center of attention.  As an example: With a heterosexual couple, where the man is the cuck, the woman is the focus of two people's sexual desire-- the man she's having sex with and her partner who is watching her with sexual pleasure. This is a similar dynamic to being the object of desire in other types of threesomes, and it can help to increase the woman's sexual self esteem).

Cuckolding is Not Limited By Sex, Gender or Sexual Orientation

As previously mentioned, cuckolding is a particular type of threesome.  

As a reminder: Even though I've given examples of heterosexual sex for the sake of simplicity in this article, in reality, cuckolding can be practiced by anyone regardless of sex, gender or sexual orientation.  

This includes situations where heterosexual or gay couples seek bisexual partners (see my article: What is a Unicorn in a Nonmonogamous Relationship?).

Next Article

In my next article I'll discuss how people transition from experiencing cuckolding as a sexual fantasy to doing it in real life and how they go about it safely and responsibly for everyone involved.

See my article: Are You Curious About Trying Cuckolding With Your Partner?.

When Should You Seek Help in Sex Therapy?

Sex therapy is a form of psychotherapy, also known as talk therapy, where the therapist is a specialist who is trained to help individuals and couples with sexual issues.

There is no physical exam, no nudity and no touching during sex therapy (see my article: Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy).

Clients in regular talk therapy are usually unaware that most licensed psychotherapists get no training in sex therapy--even therapists who attend regular postgraduate training programs and therapists who train as couples therapists.

If you're shocked by this, I'm not surprised.  

You would think that licensed psychotherapists, medical doctors and other healthcare practitioners would get in-depth training in such an important area in clients' lives.  But they don't.

So most psychotherapists and couples therapists, who aren't trained in modern sex therapy, usually might not know how to help you with sexual issues. Under these circumstances, an ethical psychotherapist or couples therapist will refer you to a sex therapist.

You should seek help in sex therapy if you or your partner have sexual problems you have been unable to work out on your own.  

With regard to cuckolding, fetishes, and other types of kinky sex, if you or your partner experience regret, anger, resentment or if things didn't go well in other ways, seek help from a modern sex therapist who is knowledgeable about kink.

Don't wait until your problems spiral out of control to get help.  

Seek help as soon as you and your partner realize there is a problem because working on a problem sooner is better than waiting until it gets worse.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a modern sex therapist who works with individuals and couples in a  nonjudgmental way (see my article: What is Modern Sex Therapy?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Balancing Fear of Failure vs. Future Regret

Many people allow their fear of failure to create obstacles in their life.  They're so afraid of what other people would think of them if they fail that they refuse to take even the most well thought out calculated risks.  Refusing to take even relatively safe risks can lead to regret in the future, so it's important to understand the root of your fears so that you don't pass up opportunities in your life only to regret it later on (see my article: Fear of Making Mistakes and Overcoming Low Self Esteem).

Balancing Fear of Failure vs. Future Regret

What Fear of Failure?
Fear of failure isn't a diagnosis.  It's an experience that many people have that often gets in the way of  their setting goals, planning or taking advantage of opportunities.

Shame is often at the core of fear of failure.  People who experience fear of failure often doubt their own capabilities even when, objectively, they are quite capable.  Self doubt causes them to back away from taking any risks.  As previously mentioned, people who experience a pervasive fear of failure often worry that if they fail, other people won't like them and they will abandon them.

The root causes of fear of failure often begin in childhood with parents who are either risk averse or who unknowingly undermine their children.

A Fictional Clinical Vignette: Balancing Fear of Failure vs. Potential Regret

Renee
Renee started psychotherapy because she was having a lot of anxiety about a major decision she was facing.

She told her psychotherapist that her director offered her a promotion with a big increase in salary for what Renee considered her "dream job" in New York City.

Although her director had a lot of confidence in Renee's ability to take on this new job, Renee had doubts and she wondered if she should remain in her current job which she could do easily rather than taking a chance on this new job and risk failing.

When her director told Renee that she had a month to consider whether or not she wanted the promotion and relocation to New York City, she became highly anxious.  She ruminated about the decision and went back and forth in her mind.

She feared that if she would be in over her head in the new job and that she would disappoint her family, friends, director and colleagues.  She also feared that the people in her life would no longer respect her if she failed.

Her close friends, who knew Renee's experience and capabilities, urged her to take the job. They had confidence in Renee's skills and expertise, and they also knew that she had always wanted to live in New York.

But her parents urged Renee not to take the promotion.  They both feared that there was too much at stake with regard to Renee's career and if she didn't succeed, she might be terminated.  Her mother advised Renee to stay where she was safe in her current job rather than risk failing.

As Renee spoke with her psychotherapist, she told her that her parents were anxious people who were very risk averse.  Her father remained in the same job for 30 years, even though he was offered promotions, because he was afraid of failing.  Her mother once had dreams as a young woman of being a designer, but she never pursued her dreams because she feared the humiliation if she didn't succeed.

Each of her parents often spoke about "what if" they had gone further in life, but their regrets were fear outweighed by their need to be "safe" and not take risks.

Renee's psychotherapist asked her to try to put aside her fears and imagine what she might actually like about the new promotion.

At first, it was difficult for Renee to imagine enjoying her promotion, but when she managed to put aside her fears, her face lit up and she seemed energized.  She talked about taking on new and exciting challenges, making a lot more money, and realizing her dream of living in New York City.

As Renee and her psychotherapist weighed the risks vs. the benefits, it soon became clear to Renee that the benefits far outweighed the risks.  She also knew, when she thought about it objectively, that she could get another job that was similar to the job she was currently doing if things didn't work out with the promotion.

When she thought objectively about what the worst thing would be if the new job didn't work out, at first, she thought about how humiliated she would feel.  But, as she continued to discuss this with her psychotherapist, she realized that her friends and family would be emotionally supportive whether she succeeded or failed.

As she continued to talk to her psychotherapist about the promotion, Renee felt excited about the new opportunity, and she decided to accept the promotion.

In the interim, she and her psychotherapist worked on stress management techniques to help Renee to manage her fear and anxiety.  Her psychotherapist also recommended that when Renee moved to New York City that she find another psychotherapist to work on the deeper underlying issues that contributed to her fear of failure.

A few months after Renee was settled into her new job and new apartment in New York City, she sought help from a psychotherapist who helped clients with fear of failure.

Balancing Fear of Failure vs Future Regret

They were able to trace Renee's fear of failure back to her early childhood when her parents discouraged her from taking even the most basic risks.

Renee also remembered that her mother often expressed doubts about her abilities even when Renee was in elementary school.  Renee's sense was that her mother was being overly protective and she unknowingly caused Renee to doubt herself.  Renee had internalized her parents' fears.

Her psychotherapist recommended that they use EMDR therapy to work on Renee's fears, which included her past fears, her current fears, and her anticipated fear of failure for the future (see my articles: What is EMDR Therapy? and How EMDR Therapy Works: EMDR and the Brain).

As Renee was working through her fear of failure with EMDR therapy, she also set limits with her parents, especially her mother, who tended to call Renee in a state of worry and panic about Renee's new promotion.  She told her mother that she appreciated her mother's concern, but her phone calls were making her anxious and her mother needed to stop talking about all the things she feared would go wrong for Renee.

As Renee continued to work with her psychotherapist using EMDR, over time, she became more confident in her ability to do her job.  She started to let go of her fear of failure and address these issues that were under her control rather than worrying about things that weren't under her control (see my article: Experiential Therapy, Like EMDR, Helps to Achieve Emotional Breakthroughs).

Over time, Renee's confidence increased, and she received positive feedback from her new director in New York.  She also became increasingly aware that if she had turned down the promotion out of fear, she would have regretted it in the long run.  This was an important lesson for Renee with regard to balancing fear of failure vs. potential regret.

Conclusion
Life is short.  One of the common regrets expressed by older people who are close to death is that they wish they had taken more risks and not worried about what other people thought of them.

Fear of failure often has its roots in early childhood.  Whether it involved growing up with critical parents who unknowingly undermine their child's self confidence or living with risk averse parents who convey that the world is a dangerous place, children learn to fear failure and carry that fear into adulthood.

Getting Help in Therapy
Balancing fear of failure and potential regret is difficult to do if you're not aware of the underlying issues involved.

A skilled psychotherapist can help you to get to the root of your problems so that you can work through your fears (see my article: The Benefits of Psychotherapy).

Rather than passing up opportunities that you will regret later on, you can address your fear of failure in psychotherapy so that you can lead a more fulfilling life (see my article: How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

About Me
I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples, and I have helped many clients to overcome their fear of failure.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.