What is a Consensual Voyeurism?

In prior articles I've discussed different types of sexual behavior between consenting adults such as threesomes, group sex and cuckolding, which all involve consensual voyeurism (see my articles: How to Have a Fun and Passionate Threesome and Kinky Sex: What is Cuckolding?).

Consensual Voyeurism

What is Consensual Voyeurism?

Let's start by comparing consensual voyeurism to nonconsensual voyeurism to understand the difference.

Nonconsensual voyeurism usually involves one or more people watching unsuspecting adults engaged in sexual behavior.  It could also involve watching an unsuspecting person in a state of undress (e.g., a person who is trying on clothes in a dressing room).

Aside from watching, nonconsensual voyeurism could involve a "Peeping Tom" photographing or videotaping an individual or a couple in their home or in another place where privacy is assumed. In other words, it's without the individual or couple's consent.  This form of voyeurism is illegal in most places.

Consensual or Nonconsensual Voyeurism?

Consensual voyeurism, which is a fetish, is very different from nonconsensual voyeurism because all people involved have consented with consensual voyeurism (see my articles: Are You Curious About Exploring Fetishes With Your Partner? and What Are the Rules of Sexual Consent?).

As part of the fetish, some people prefer to be the ones who are watched while they are undressed or engaged in sexual behavior, other people prefer to watch others, and some people like to "switch" between watching and being watched.

How to Practice Consensual Voyeurism in an Ethical and Responsible Way

If you and your partner want to engage in consensual voyeurism, you can do it in a responsible and ethical way so that everyone involved is consenting beforehand to what will take place:

• Watching Your Partner Masturbate:  This can be a good way to start if you're new to consensual voyeurism. Assuming your partner shares your interest in this voyeuristic fetish, talk to them beforehand about what feels comfortable and what the boundaries will be.  Many couples incorporate watching each other masturbate as part of their sex script and might not even think of it as voyeuristic.  You can either be with your partner or you can "hide" somewhere, like in a closet or behind a door where you watch through the peephole to add sexual excitement.  In addition, you can spice things up with "dirty talk" and encourage your partner to do certain things that would turn both of you on.

• Role-Playing: This is another sexual activity where it's only you and your partner watching each other. If you both agree to certain sexual fantasies in advance, you can each become sexual characters in whatever type of scenario you would both enjoy.  You're only limited by your imagination. Maybe you pretend to be a stranger who is watching a sexual scene with your partner and someone else and then you enter into the scene (see my article: What Are the Benefits of Sexual Role Play?).

Sexual Role-Play

• Cuckolding, Threesomes and Group Sex: If you and your partner have agreed in advance to include other people in your sexual scenarios, you can include people who have consented to be part of a specific sex scene.  Be aware that your sexual fantasies about cuckolding, threesomes and group sex might be better than what you experience in reality. This is due, in part, to the fact that at least one person can feel left out if they feel they're not getting enough sexual attention. In a sexual fantasy, an individual often imagines they're the focus of attention, but an actual scene might not turn out this way (see my article: Are You Curious About Exploring Cuckolding With Your Partner?).

Play Party or Sex Club

• Attending Play Parties or Sex Clubs: When you attend a sexual play party or a sex club, there is an expectation that there will be sexual scenes that are open to the viewing of others at the party who are not directly involved in the scene. If the play party is organized well, the organizer will usually tell the attendees what to expect so that if they're not interested in a particular fetish or kink, they can avoid observing that scene.  For instance, if a scene will involve BDSM (bondage, discipline or domination, sadism or submission, and masochism) and an attendee would have a problem observing this, they would know this in advance from the organizer. 

Don't Expect Everything to Go Perfectly the First Time

If you and your partner are new to consensual voyeurism, you might want to start with watching each other without a third party (as mentioned above). Even then, don't expect everything to necessarily go as planned (see my article: How to Talk to Your Partner About Sex?).

Before you start, you might think you both have covered everything in terms of boundaries and what you do and don't want to do. But there can be unforeseen circumstances.  For instance, you might think you would enjoy having your partner watch you masturbate, but once you start, you might feel unexpectedly uncomfortable so that you want to stop (see my article: Tips on How to Talk to Your Partner About Your Sexual Desires).

Always make an agreement beforehand that if one or both of you get uncomfortable, you can stop, take a break or do whatever you need to do to make each other comfortable.  

You and your partner can talk about it afterwards to improve your experience for next time--if there is to be a next time.

And don't forget to engage in sexual aftercare where you and your partner hug and hold each other and engage in other soothing care you give to each other.

Conclusion

Consensual voyeurism is very different from nonconsensual voyeurism, as described earlier in this article.

If you and your partner enjoy this type of fetish, consensual voyeurism can be fun and exciting.

Part of the sexual fun and excitement is the feeling that you're violating sexual prohibitions or engaging in something "naughty"--even though both you and your partner have consented to your voyeuristic activity beforehand (see my article: A Cornerstone of Eroticism: Violating Prohibitions By Breaking the Rules).

Consensual voyeurism can also expand your sexual repertoire in a positive way as long as it's done ethically and responsibly by everyone involved.

Also see my article: What is Consensual Exhibitionism?.

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

Sex therapy is a form of talk therapy (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).

There is no nudity, physical exams or sex during a sex therapy session (see my article: What Are Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?).

Individuals and couples attend sex therapy for a variety of reasons (see my article: What Are Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?).

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a skilled sex therapist so you can have a more fulfilling sex life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a sex positive therapist work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Are You Curious About Exploring Fetishes With Your Partner?

In a prior article, I explored the differences between a fetish and a kink (see my article: What's the Difference Between a Fetish and a Kink?).

Many people are curious about exploring fetishes, but they don't know how to do it or where to start, I'll explore some possibilities about how to start exploring fetishes with your partner in a non-intimidating way and what you can do if your partner isn't into your particular fetish (see my article: What is Eroticism?).

What is a Fetish?

As a recap from my prior article: A fetish is similar to a kink, but the important difference is that many people who are into a fetish often need it to get sexually aroused.  

A Common Fetish: Feet

Fetishes include:

• A particular body part
• An object
• A sexual act

See the list below.

For instance, with regard to body parts, some people get sexually aroused by feet.  They are foot fetishists.  This is the most common fetish.  For foot fetishes the sight, smell, taste or touch of feet get them turned on.  

Other people are turned on by other body parts, like breasts, hips, butts, legs, long hair, ears, and navels, to name just a few.  

For some people just fantasizing about their particular fetish is enough to get them sexually turned on without even having the fetish.

Common Fetishes: Feet, Fishnet Stockings, High Heels and Gloves

The fetish can also be an object, like something made of leather (jacket, pants, harness, etc), silk, latex, or vinyl.  It can also include high heels, stockings, underwear or other objects.

A fetish can include engaging in certain sexual acts, like having sex in public, like car sex, where there is a risk of getting caught since this is considered taboo (see my article: A Cornerstone of Eroticism: Violating Sexual Prohibitions).

Violating Sexual Prohibitions in Public: Car Sex

What Are Some of the Most Common Fetishes?

Just about anything can be eroticized, especially during or around puberty.  Depending upon a person's experience, an object or body part can become sexually charged which can lead to it becoming a fetish.  

Some of the most common fetishes include:

• Feet - Also known as podophilia is the most common fetish
• Hair
• Navel
• Ears
• Body piercings
• Tattoos
• Latex
• Leather
• Silk
• Vinyl
• Gloves
• Stockings/hosiery
• Shoes
• Boots
• Underwear
• Adult diapers
• Balloons
• Sneezing
• Tickling
• Smell - Including rose petals, gasoline, matches
• Food - Including ice cream, chocolate sauce, whipped cream and so on
• Sex in public (e.g., car sex on a dark street or sex in a park)
• Cuckolding
  
• Threesomes
  
• Power and Submission
  

How to Explore a Fetish With Your Partner

At one time, fetishes were considered psychologically unhealthy. However, fetishes are no longer considered unhealthy unless they are a significant interference in your life (e.g., causing problems for you at work because you're so fixated on your fetish that you're not doing your work because you're watch porn at work).  

Talking to a partner about a fetish you would like to incorporate in your sex life together can be anxiety provoking if you don't know how your partner will react or you anticipate your partner won't react well. So, it might be helpful to do the following:

• Go Slowly, Communicate and Be Patient: If you're not comfortable talking to your partner about your fetish because you're not sure how they would respond, you can start by talking about a sexual fantasy involving your fetish to see how they respond.  If your partner is inexperienced with fetishes, you can explain why your particular fetish turns you on sexually and see if they're interested. Keep the discussion light and fun.

• Offer Your Partner More Information: You can provide your partner with more information about your fetish through Kink Academy which has articles and videos about fetishes and kinks.  You can also provide your partner with any one of the many books that are written about fetishes depending upon your particular fetish.  There are also many podcasts that explore relationships and fetishes, including the Sexology podcast with Dr. Moali.  In particular, she hosted an episode specifically about fetishes.

• Consider Starting With a Role Play: Assuming your partner enthusiastically consents to exploring your fetish or is, at least, curious, you could start with a role play where you each become different characters (even if all you do is change your names).  By getting creative and using your imagination, doing a role play can feel safer and easier because you're both pretending to be someone else instead of being yourselves. Remember that it might not go so smoothly if this is the first time you're trying it, so be patient.

• Have a Safe Word: Be prepared that either you or your partner can stop what. you're doing at any point once the safe word has been used.

A Role Play With Leather Fetish

• Talk About It Afterwards: Talk about what you both liked, what you might not have liked, and what each of you might want to do differently if you try it again another time (see my articles: How to Talk to Your Partner About Sex - Part 1 and Part 2).

• Be Respectful of Your Partner's Feelings: If your partner enjoys the fetish as much as you do, that's great. But if your partner isn't into it, be respectful of your partner's feelings and choice because fetishes are particular to each person, so they might not like what you like.

• Try to Be Open to Their Fetish: If your partner has a particular fetish they like or they would like to explore, try to keep an open mind. This doesn't mean that anyone should do anything they're not comfortable doing. But if you're curious about it, be generous with your partner.

What If Your Partner Isn't Interested in Even Exploring Your Fetish?

Everyone has their own particular interests when it comes to sex, kink and fetishes so don't be surprised if your partner isn't open to exploring your fetish.  Hopefully, your partner is respectful enough not to be critical (see my article: Don't Yuk Anybody's Yum).

Talking About Fetishes With Your Partner

But if your partner isn't at all interested in incorporating your fetish into your sexual activities together, remember that all sex must be consensual. So, don't get angry with them, don't reject them or try to pressure them into it.  This will only backfire and can ruin your relationship.  

If everything else is going well in your relationship, chances are your partner's refusal to participate isn't a rejection of you--it's probably a personal choice about the fetish--not about you.  It's important not to take their refusal as a personal rejection (see my article: Coping With a Sexual Rejection in Your Relationship).  This is also another reason why it's important for the two of you to talk openly about sex.

• Talk to Your Partner About the Possibility of Exploring a Fetish-Related Fantasy: If your partner is open to engaging with the fetish, find out if they would be willing to talk about the fetish (without actually using actually the fetish) in terms of a fantasy--one that you won't actually act out.  Talking about the fantasy might be enough of a sexual turn-on for you.  

• Explore Your Fetish on Your Own By Yourself: If your partner isn't interested in your fetish, you might be able explore it by yourself without your partner--depending upon what it is.  For instance, if you like the feel and smell of leather, you can find many ways to enjoy wearing leather, including wearing leather gloves, a leather jacket, leather pants, and so on. You can also use your imagination to fantasize about an attractive person who is wearing leather in whatever situation you find sexually appealing in a fantasy.

• Explore Your Fetish Through a Community: Before you find a kink and fetish community that appeals to you, talk to your partner first. Some people, who aren't into particular fetishes or kinks, are comfortable with consenting for their partner to explore their fetish with others. But some partners definitely are not. It's important for you to be completely honest and transparent with your partner in an open discussion about what you might want to do with others and get their approval or you can ruin your relationship.  If your partner has no problems with your finding a fetish/kink community, you can find either online or in-person alternatives.

• Seek Help in Sex Therapy: It's common for individuals in a relationship to have different sexual interests.  If you and your partner can't agree about what to do about your particular fetish and it's having a negative impact on your relationship, seek help in sex therapy.

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

Sex therapy is a form of talk therapy for individual adults and couples (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).

There is no nudity, physical exam or sex during sex therapy sessions (see my article: What Are Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy).

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

Individual adults and couples seek help in sex therapy for many different reasons.  Make sure that when you call a sex therapist for a consultation who works with the topics of kinks and fetishes (see my article: What Are Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?).

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a skilled sex therapist who is familiar with your issues.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City sex positive psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Relationships: Exploring Different Aspects of Yourself Through Sexual Role Play

I began a discussion about sexual role play in a prior article, What Are the Benefits of Sexual Role Play?.  

Exploring Different Parts of Yourself Through Role Play

In the current article I'm focusing on one of the benefits of role play, which is exploring the many different aspects of yourself and how this exploration can free you and your partner to talk about your sexual fantasies and, possibly, act out some of these fantasies (see my article: Understanding the Different Aspects of Yourself Who Make You Who You Are).

(As a reminder:  This article and other similar articles about sex is not meant as clinical advice.)

Exploring Different Parts of Yourself Through Sexual Role Play

• Think About Your Sexual Fantasies and Write Them Down on Your Own: This is something that each of you can do on your own privately. If you feel unsure about your fantasies, reframe it for yourself by thinking about what you might be sexually curious about.  Writing them down in an erotic journal helps you to get clear about what you're curious about. Thinking in terms of sexual curiosity instead of labeling your thoughts as fantasies can help to open you up to this type of sexual self exploration (see my article: Exploring and Normalizing Sexual Fantasies Without Guilt or Shame).

Write Down Your Role Play Fantasies in Your Erotic Journal

• Think About What Aspects of Yourself You Might Want to Explore: People who have difficulty talking about sex with their partner about role play often find it easier to talk when they're thinking about themselves as someone else (instead of being oneself) like a character from a movie or a novel.  It's like being an actor who is stepping into a role in a script.  This character might be an aspect of yourself that you've never explored but that you're curious about.

• Talk About Sexual Role Play With Your Partner Before You Try It: Before you actually get into a role play, it's a good idea for you and your partner to talk first.  You want to make sure that you're both on the same page and consenting to whatever you decide to do.  When you're in the talking phase, you can explore your sexual fantasies and get clear on which ones you want to explore and which ones you want to remain as only fantasies.  Just talking about fantasies can be a sexual turn-on.  Be patient if either of you feels shy.  Think of it as a process and go slow if necessary (see my article: How to Talk to Your Partner About Sex - Part 1 and Part 2).

• Choose Which Fantasies You Both Want to Role Play: If you and your partner come up with mutual fantasies that you would like to explore, make a plan as to which fantasies you want to role play and which ones you just want to talk about.  Make sure that both of you are comfortable with whatever you have mutually chosen especially if you're both new to role playing.  If either of you isn't interested, you can say so without being judgmental or critical (see my article: Don't Yuk Anybody's Yum). You can also take turns at different times role playing what each of you would like as long as you're both somewhat interested in the other's fantasy role play.

• Keep It Simple At First: If you've never done a sexual role play, start with something simple so you can give yourself a chance to ease into it and get comfortable.  Role playing is on a spectrum. You don't need to start with elaborate costumes or sexual props. You can start with something as simple as using different names.  

• Approach Role Playing With an Attitude of Curiosity and Playfulness: Even though you might be anxious if this is your first time, remember that role playing is meant to be fun, so approach it with an attitude of curiosity and playfulness.  

Be Sexually Curious and Playful

• Be Kind With Yourself and Your Partner: If role playing is new to you, be aware that things might not go as planned, but if you're being curious, playful and kind, you can get through any awkward moments and you might even laugh about it.

• Know You Can Stop the Role Play at Any Time: In addition to allowing you to explore different aspects of yourself, sexual role play is meant to be fun and one way to expand your sexual repertoire and sex script.  But once you're into a role play, if either of you feels you don't want to do it, you can stop.  Make sure you have this agreement beforehand so neither person is taken by surprise.  

• Talk About the Role Play Afterwards: It's a good idea to talk afterwards about what each of you found fun, awkward, uncomfortable, what you might want to do again or not, and so on.

Vignette: Sexual Role Play as a Way to Explore Different Aspects of Yourself

The following vignette is one example of many as to how a couple can explore the different parts of themselves through role play:

Ida and Joe

After five years of marriage, although they had a healthy sex life, Ida and Joe were eager to explore sexual role play. 

They decided to each explore on their own what they were sexually curious about, so they took time to each think about and write down their ideas.

When Ida thought about what she might want to explore, she realized she was often uncomfortable trying new things sexually and, as she thought about it, she realized that if she played another character, she might feel more empowered to do it.  

So, she came up with a character who was a high powered woman who was sexually forward.  The more she thought about what this character would be like, the more Ida got excited about it.

When Joe thought about what he might want to explore sexually, he realized he was excited about being in a more passive role because during the day he had a lot of responsibilities for the financial well-being of his company.  He had to make important decisions and oversee key employees and the financial operation, so he would welcome a chance to allow Ida to be in charge.

So, he came up with a character who was more sexually passive than he would normally be with Ida.  He wanted her to tell him what to do for a change.  

When Ida and Joe shared their ideas, they were thrilled to discover that the characters they had chosen fit together so well.  

They worked together to come up with a scenario they could play at home where Ida comes into a bar as a successful businesswoman who is on a business trip, sees Joe sitting at the bar having a drink and she picks him up.  In this scenario, he is a somewhat shy and passive man and he's hesitant at first, but she's relentless in pursuing him and she eventually takes him back to her hotel room.

Since it was their first time doing a sexual role play, they decided to keep it simple without costumes and props.  

They were both a little uncomfortable at first, but they were mostly excited.  At first, they each stumbled a little until they got into it and then they forgot their self consciousness.  

After they had de-roled from their characters and they were resting in each other's arms, they agreed it was the most exciting sex they had experienced in a long time.  

Over the next several days, they talked about what they liked and what they wanted to change.  

Joe enjoyed being in a passive role for a change and allowing himself to be seduced. And Ida felt powerful and sexy being in the role as the woman who seduced Joe.  They also talked about what other roles they might want to explore.

Both of them agreed that doing that role play allowed them to explore different aspects of themselves.

Conclusion

Sexual role play can be fun and freeing because it provides an opportunity to use your imagination and explore different parts of yourself.  

Sometimes these aspects are different from your everyday personality.  Other times they might be aspects you didn't even realize were part of you.

If you're new to sexual role play, going slowly and taking a step-by-step approach allows you explore your sexuality in a way that feels safe and comfortable.

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

Sex therapy is a form of talk therapy (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?)

There is no physical exam, nudity or sex during sex therapy sessions (see my article: What Are the Most Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?).

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

Individual adults and couples seek help in sex therapy for a variety of reasons (see my article:  What Are the Most Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?).

If you're having sexual problems, rather than struggling on your own, get help from a skilled sex therapist so you can have a more fulfilling sex life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Kinky Sex: What is Cuckolding?

In my previous article, What is Kinky Sex?, I began a discussion about kinks and kinky sex, including a brief explanation of cuckolding.  

Kinky Sex: Cuckolding

In the current article, I'm taking a more in-depth look at cuckolding, which is a particular type of threesome.

Even though there are many people who engage in cuckolding as part of kinky sex, it's a sexual activity that many others don't know about. 

What is the Historical Meaning of a "Cuckold"?

Historically the term "cuckold" goes back to at least the 16th century.

Back then, a cuckold was an unwitting heterosexual man betrayed by his wife, who was having sex with another man. 

To be a cuckold back then was shameful, and the cuckold was looked down upon as a fool.

What is the Current Use of the Terms "Cuckold," "Cuck" or "Cuckolding"?

The current use of "cuck," "cuckold," and "cuckolding" is is now associated with anyone who is fully aware and enjoys seeing a partner having consensual sex with someone else.  

Similarly, the significant other and the third party are also fully aware of the circumstances, which are consensual and worked out in advanced.

As previously mentioned, cuckolding is usually a particular type of threesome.

In addition, this kink can be practiced by heterosexuals, gay men, lesbians, bisexuals, and trans men and women, so it's no longer viewed as a sexual activity limited to heterosexuals.

Cuckolding as a Contemporary Fetish or Kink

Cuckolding is a contemporary consensual fetish or kink in which someone gets turned on by watching their partner have consensual sex with someone else (see my article: What is Sexual Consent?).

When the sexual activity involves a person watching a partner having sex with another person, the person watching is the "cuckold" or "cuck," and the third party who is having sex with the other partner is called the "bull."  

Cuckolding as a Sexual Fantasy

Cuckolding remains a sexual fantasy for many people which they don't actually want to do in real life.

Kinky Sex: Cuckolding

Sometimes cuckolding remains a fantasy because, like many other sexual fantasies, fantasizing about it is enough for sexual arousal without enacting it.

Some people, who like to fantasize about cuckolding, don't share their fantasy with their partner.  They want to keep it as their personal fantasy and use it for solo sex (masturbation).

Other times, cuckolding often remains a fantasy because the partner, who gets turned on by it, is either too ashamed to talk to their partner about it or knows cuckolding would be a turn-off for their partner.

The Hidden Nature of Cuckolding 

Couples who engage in cuckolding might be part of a kink or fetish community, but they usually keep their kink hidden from most other people outside that community because they don't want to be judged, shamed or have it used against them.

Even though cuckolding is more common than it used to be and it's not against the law between consenting adults, there's still the potential risk that it could be used against a couple by unscrupulous people in child custody cases, career matters and in other circumstances. The potential risk is similar to revealing other kinks and fetishes.

Why Do People Get Turned On By Watching Their Partners Have Sex With Others?

Kinks and fetishes are personal preferences and choices.

One person's sexual turn-on is another person's turn-off (see my article: Don't Yuk Anybody's Yum).

Like many other sexual kinks and fetishes, cuckolding fascinates many people for the following reasons: 

• The Excitement of Breaking the Rules of Conventional Monogamy: What is perceived as sexually forbidden in conventional society is exciting to many people. And the feeling that cuckolding "breaks the rules" of conventional monogamy gives many people an adrenaline rush (see my article: A Cornerstone of Eroticism: Violating Prohibitions By Breaking the Rules).

• Masochism Through Consensual Humiliation: The cuck usually finds it exciting to give up power and watch their partner have sex with someone else. This is a form of consensual humiliation for the cuck. In addition, when it's a man watching his female partner having sex with a third party, the third party is often younger, better looking, stronger or, if he is a man, has a bigger penis.  All of this is a form of humiliation. As a result, this aspect of cuckolding is in the masochistic realm of sadomasochism for the cuck. The humiliation, which is usually negotiated in advance, can take the form of the other man making derogatory remarks about the cuckold's penis by telling him that he has a "small dick." Another example is when everyone involved agrees in advance that the female partner might say she's experiencing "the best sex" of her life while she's having sex with the other man, which is another form of humiliation and, therefore, masochistic for the cuck.

• Sadism and Masochism Through Consensual Humiliation: In certain instances, the cuck might be sadistic towards the partner. For instance, with consensual agreement from everyone involved, the partner might act as if he is "degrading" the woman by "pimping her out" to another man.  In that case, the cuck derives pleasure from playing the part of a sadistic partner who is "punishing" his partner.  The woman derives sexual pleasure from playing the role of degraded partner, which is masochistic.  Sometimes the cuck is present in the room where the "bull" is having sex with the third party.  Other times the cuck chooses to be in another room listening to the other two having sex--another example of masochism.

• The Consensual Voyeuristic and Exhibitionistic Nature of Cuckolding: Cuckolding also involves consensual voyeurism by the person watching and consensual exhibitionism by the two people having sex.  This isn't illegal voyeurism and exhibitionism, which involves nonconsensual acts.  

• The Partner Having Sex Feels Sexually Desirable: The partner who is having sex with the third party usually feels sexually desirable, which makes cuckolding exciting for person who is the center of attention.  As an example: With a heterosexual couple, where the man is the cuck, the woman is the focus of two people's sexual desire-- the man she's having sex with and her partner who is watching her with sexual pleasure. This is a similar dynamic to being the object of desire in other types of threesomes, and it can help to increase the woman's sexual self esteem).

Cuckolding is Not Limited By Sex, Gender or Sexual Orientation

As previously mentioned, cuckolding is a particular type of threesome.  

As a reminder: Even though I've given examples of heterosexual sex for the sake of simplicity in this article, in reality, cuckolding can be practiced by anyone regardless of sex, gender or sexual orientation.  

This includes situations where heterosexual or gay couples seek bisexual partners (see my article: What is a Unicorn in a Nonmonogamous Relationship?).

Next Article

In my next article I'll discuss how people transition from experiencing cuckolding as a sexual fantasy to doing it in real life and how they go about it safely and responsibly for everyone involved.

See my article: Are You Curious About Trying Cuckolding With Your Partner?.

When Should You Seek Help in Sex Therapy?

Sex therapy is a form of psychotherapy, also known as talk therapy, where the therapist is a specialist who is trained to help individuals and couples with sexual issues.

There is no physical exam, no nudity and no touching during sex therapy (see my article: Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy).

Clients in regular talk therapy are usually unaware that most licensed psychotherapists get no training in sex therapy--even therapists who attend regular postgraduate training programs and therapists who train as couples therapists.

If you're shocked by this, I'm not surprised.  

You would think that licensed psychotherapists, medical doctors and other healthcare practitioners would get in-depth training in such an important area in clients' lives.  But they don't.

So most psychotherapists and couples therapists, who aren't trained in modern sex therapy, usually might not know how to help you with sexual issues. Under these circumstances, an ethical psychotherapist or couples therapist will refer you to a sex therapist.

You should seek help in sex therapy if you or your partner have sexual problems you have been unable to work out on your own.  

With regard to cuckolding, fetishes, and other types of kinky sex, if you or your partner experience regret, anger, resentment or if things didn't go well in other ways, seek help from a modern sex therapist who is knowledgeable about kink.

Don't wait until your problems spiral out of control to get help.  

Seek help as soon as you and your partner realize there is a problem because working on a problem sooner is better than waiting until it gets worse.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a modern sex therapist who works with individuals and couples in a  nonjudgmental way (see my article: What is Modern Sex Therapy?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

What is Kinky Sex?

This is the first in a series of articles about kink and kinky sex.

What is Kinky Sex?

The terms kink and kinky sex refer to sex that is unconventional-- although what is considered unconventional is very much in the eye of the beholder.  What some people consider unconventional sex seems conventional to others.  But, aside from how people define unconventional sex, there's no doubt that kinky sex has become increasingly popular in recent years.  

What is Kinky Sex?

What Are the Different Types of Kinky Sex?

Although there are different points of view about what kinky sex is, there are some categories that are generally agreed upon, including but not limited to:

• BDSM Sex: BDSM stands for Bondage, Dominance, Discipline, Submission, Sadism and Masochism and it includes a wide variety of consensual sexual acts (see my article: Destigmatizing Fantasies of Power and. Submission).  BDSM includes power play among adults:

• Bondage: Restricting a person's movement with ropes, handcuffs, silk scarfs and other types of restraints

• Dominance: Physical and/or psychological dominance over a partner in the bedroom privately and outside the bedroom with others

• Discipline: Exerting control over a submissive partner through agreed upon rules or punishments 

• Submission: Submitting to agreed upon rules or punishments by a dominant partner

• Sadism and Masochism (Sadomasochism): Pleasure derived from either inflicting or receiving agreed upon emotional or physical pain

• Fantasy and Role Playing: Fantasy and role playing involves creating imagined scenarios that people act out.  This category of kink also includes a wide variety of acts:

• Talking About Sexual Fantasies: Sexual partners can share their fantasies with each other either in or outside the bedroom (see my article: The 7 Core Sexual Fantasies).

• Acting Out Sexual Fantasies: People can act out consensual sexual fantasies either inside or outside the bedroom. An example of acting out a private fantasy outside the bedroom would be a couple who go to a bar, pretend not to know each other, and enact a fantasy of picking each other up.  At the other end of the spectrum are people who are at a sex party who act out their fantasies in front of others where everyone is consenting to these activities.

• Fetishes: Generally, a fetish is treating any nonsexual object or any body part sexually. Fetish play is common, and it's estimated that about 1 out of 4 people are into some type of fetish.  Some of the most common fetishes include:

• Feet: Feet are the most common body part that are fetishized, especially by men. Feet are connected to legs and legs lead to genitals.

• Shoes: Shoes are obviously connected to feet.  Shoes are mostly fetishized by men, but some women are also aroused by shoes. The heel of a woman's high heel shoe is considered sexy among people who have this fetish. For those who are into high heels, the idea of having sex with a woman wearing only her high heels is sexually arousing.

High Heels Are a Common Fetish

• Underwear: Underwear, especially women's panties, bras or stockings, are sexually arousing for men who are into this fetish. This includes observing someone wearing women's sexy underwear and handling or wearing underwear.

• Masks: Mask fetishism involves getting sexually aroused by wearing or seeing others wearing a mask.  The masks can be made of any material--leather, rubber or any other type of material. 

Mask Fetishism

• Leather: Leather clothing emphasize the shape and curves of the body for men and women. This includes leather jackets, vests, boots, pants, chaps, harnesses and other leather garments. People who are sexually aroused by leather are often part of leather culture, and leather culture is often associated with BDSM. Leather tools are also considered sexually arousing by those who are into leather, including, among other things, whips, restraints and paddles. People who are into this fetish can be aroused by the sight, scent, sound and feel of leather.  Leather is often associated with empowerment and it can be linked with Dressing For Power (DFP).  Leather is often linked with sexual dominance. Leather is also an important part of gay male culture, but anyone, regardless of gender or sexual orientation, can enjoy a leather fetish.

• Spandex: Spandex is made from a form fitting stretch fabric which is used for clothing worn by gymnasts, swimmers, dancers, gym members, cyclists, circus performers and the general public.  One reason spandex is fetishized is that it appears like a second skin.  Aside from the visual allure of these form fitting garments, spandex is considered by many to be sensuous to the touch. For some, the tightness of the garment is also associated with bondage. 

• Latex: Although latex might not be as common a fetish as leather, it's a popular fetish for many people. Latex is made from the sap of a rubber tree.  It's strong and stretchy. People can be sexually aroused by either wearing or observing others wearing latex.  Latex clothing includes form fitting outerwear, like catsuits, or underwear.

• Ears: Ears are sexually arousing and fetishized by many people. This includes kissing, licking or breathing on an ear.  

• Hair: Many men are attracted to people with beautiful hair, and some women have a preference for men with certain types of hair.

• Navels: Navel fetishism mostly appeals to men but also some women. People who are into navels, also known as belly buttons, often consider navels to be the center of sexual desire.

• Tatoos: Getting a tatoos or seeing tatoos is a fetish for many people. 

• Body Piercings: For people who get turned on by giving or receiving pain, body piercings are often a turn-on.  This tends to be a fetish among younger adults, but adults of all ages can get sexually aroused by piercings.

• Color: Some people have a fetish for certain colors including red, blue, black and other colors.  Some prefer solid colors and others like combinations of colors or certain patterns.

• Gerontophilia: Gerontophilia is an attraction to older people by younger adults. Gerontophilia is usually an intense sexual attraction experienced by younger men for older women. It can border on the obsessive. Younger people, both men and women, who have sexual attractions for older people are called gerontophiles. The terms MILF or cougar, which are considered vulgar terms, are associated with gerontophilia. MILF or cougar refers to a sexy mature woman of childbearing age. Similarly, DILF, another term which is considered derogatory by many, refers to a sexy mature man. Just like any other sexual act or fetish, as long as the behavior is consensual, there is no reason to pathologize or stigmatize this behavior (see my articles: Relationships Between Older Women and Younger Men and Can Modern Day Age Gap Relationships Last?).

• Cuckolding: Cuckolding is big topic onto itself. Historically, the word "cuckold" referred to a husband whose wife was cheating on him with other men. However, the contemporary use of the words cuckold and cuckolding now refers to people who get sexually turned on by watching their spouse or significant other having sex with someone else. Typically, it refers to a man who likes to see his partner with another man, but in practice it can involve any gender or sexual orientation where one person likes to watch a partner having sex with someone else.

• Adult Diaper Play: Adult diaper play includes getting sexually aroused by wearing or observing someone else wearing diapers. Diaper play can be eroticized or it can involve creating imaginary scenarios where an adult behaves like an infant with another adult.

• Group Sex: One of the most common sexual fantasies involves group sex, including threesomes.  Group sex involves more than two people.  According to social psychologist and Kinsey research fellow, Justin Lehmiller, Ph.D., up to 95% of men and 87% of women have fantasized about group sex with threesomes being the most common fantasy.  People often think of threesomes as one man and two women (FMF which is female-male-female), but threesomes can also be two men and a woman (MFM).  For many people, the fantasy is enough to get them sexually aroused and they don't want to enact it.  Others fantasize about it and get physically involved with group sex at sex parties or in other places where people gather to have sex.

Group Sex includes Threesomes

• Voyeurism and Exhibitionism: Voyeurism involves getting sexual gratification from observing an unsuspecting person, so voyeurism is not consensual. Exhibitionism, which involves having sex in a public place, is also considered nonconsensual for those who unwittingly happen upon it in public. Both are criminal offenses, so they are not recommended. These types of activities are different from consensual acts that are observed and enacted in sex clubs, resorts or swingers parties.

Conclusion

I've attempted to include the most popular forms of kinky sex, but no list is exhaustive in terms of the types of kinks people like.

As previously mentioned, what is considered kinky sex is based on an individual's perspective and preferences.

In future articles, I'll continue to discuss kinky sex, including how to talk to your partner about the type of kinky sex you might like (see my articles: How to Talk to Your Partner About Sex - Part 1 and Part 2 and Don't Yuk Anybody's Yum).

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a sex positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.