Relationships: Exploring Different Aspects of Yourself Through Sexual Role Play

I began a discussion about sexual role play in a prior article, What Are the Benefits of Sexual Role Play?.  

Exploring Different Parts of Yourself Through Role Play

In the current article I'm focusing on one of the benefits of role play, which is exploring the many different aspects of yourself and how this exploration can free you and your partner to talk about your sexual fantasies and, possibly, act out some of these fantasies (see my article: Understanding the Different Aspects of Yourself Who Make You Who You Are).

(As a reminder:  This article and other similar articles about sex is not meant as clinical advice.)

Exploring Different Parts of Yourself Through Sexual Role Play

• Think About Your Sexual Fantasies and Write Them Down on Your Own: This is something that each of you can do on your own privately. If you feel unsure about your fantasies, reframe it for yourself by thinking about what you might be sexually curious about.  Writing them down in an erotic journal helps you to get clear about what you're curious about. Thinking in terms of sexual curiosity instead of labeling your thoughts as fantasies can help to open you up to this type of sexual self exploration (see my article: Exploring and Normalizing Sexual Fantasies Without Guilt or Shame).

Write Down Your Role Play Fantasies in Your Erotic Journal

• Think About What Aspects of Yourself You Might Want to Explore: People who have difficulty talking about sex with their partner about role play often find it easier to talk when they're thinking about themselves as someone else (instead of being oneself) like a character from a movie or a novel.  It's like being an actor who is stepping into a role in a script.  This character might be an aspect of yourself that you've never explored but that you're curious about.

• Talk About Sexual Role Play With Your Partner Before You Try It: Before you actually get into a role play, it's a good idea for you and your partner to talk first.  You want to make sure that you're both on the same page and consenting to whatever you decide to do.  When you're in the talking phase, you can explore your sexual fantasies and get clear on which ones you want to explore and which ones you want to remain as only fantasies.  Just talking about fantasies can be a sexual turn-on.  Be patient if either of you feels shy.  Think of it as a process and go slow if necessary (see my article: How to Talk to Your Partner About Sex - Part 1 and Part 2).

• Choose Which Fantasies You Both Want to Role Play: If you and your partner come up with mutual fantasies that you would like to explore, make a plan as to which fantasies you want to role play and which ones you just want to talk about.  Make sure that both of you are comfortable with whatever you have mutually chosen especially if you're both new to role playing.  If either of you isn't interested, you can say so without being judgmental or critical (see my article: Don't Yuk Anybody's Yum). You can also take turns at different times role playing what each of you would like as long as you're both somewhat interested in the other's fantasy role play.

• Keep It Simple At First: If you've never done a sexual role play, start with something simple so you can give yourself a chance to ease into it and get comfortable.  Role playing is on a spectrum. You don't need to start with elaborate costumes or sexual props. You can start with something as simple as using different names.  

• Approach Role Playing With an Attitude of Curiosity and Playfulness: Even though you might be anxious if this is your first time, remember that role playing is meant to be fun, so approach it with an attitude of curiosity and playfulness.  

Be Sexually Curious and Playful

• Be Kind With Yourself and Your Partner: If role playing is new to you, be aware that things might not go as planned, but if you're being curious, playful and kind, you can get through any awkward moments and you might even laugh about it.

• Know You Can Stop the Role Play at Any Time: In addition to allowing you to explore different aspects of yourself, sexual role play is meant to be fun and one way to expand your sexual repertoire and sex script.  But once you're into a role play, if either of you feels you don't want to do it, you can stop.  Make sure you have this agreement beforehand so neither person is taken by surprise.  

• Talk About the Role Play Afterwards: It's a good idea to talk afterwards about what each of you found fun, awkward, uncomfortable, what you might want to do again or not, and so on.

Vignette: Sexual Role Play as a Way to Explore Different Aspects of Yourself

The following vignette is one example of many as to how a couple can explore the different parts of themselves through role play:

Ida and Joe

After five years of marriage, although they had a healthy sex life, Ida and Joe were eager to explore sexual role play. 

They decided to each explore on their own what they were sexually curious about, so they took time to each think about and write down their ideas.

When Ida thought about what she might want to explore, she realized she was often uncomfortable trying new things sexually and, as she thought about it, she realized that if she played another character, she might feel more empowered to do it.  

So, she came up with a character who was a high powered woman who was sexually forward.  The more she thought about what this character would be like, the more Ida got excited about it.

When Joe thought about what he might want to explore sexually, he realized he was excited about being in a more passive role because during the day he had a lot of responsibilities for the financial well-being of his company.  He had to make important decisions and oversee key employees and the financial operation, so he would welcome a chance to allow Ida to be in charge.

So, he came up with a character who was more sexually passive than he would normally be with Ida.  He wanted her to tell him what to do for a change.  

When Ida and Joe shared their ideas, they were thrilled to discover that the characters they had chosen fit together so well.  

They worked together to come up with a scenario they could play at home where Ida comes into a bar as a successful businesswoman who is on a business trip, sees Joe sitting at the bar having a drink and she picks him up.  In this scenario, he is a somewhat shy and passive man and he's hesitant at first, but she's relentless in pursuing him and she eventually takes him back to her hotel room.

Since it was their first time doing a sexual role play, they decided to keep it simple without costumes and props.  

They were both a little uncomfortable at first, but they were mostly excited.  At first, they each stumbled a little until they got into it and then they forgot their self consciousness.  

After they had de-roled from their characters and they were resting in each other's arms, they agreed it was the most exciting sex they had experienced in a long time.  

Over the next several days, they talked about what they liked and what they wanted to change.  

Joe enjoyed being in a passive role for a change and allowing himself to be seduced. And Ida felt powerful and sexy being in the role as the woman who seduced Joe.  They also talked about what other roles they might want to explore.

Both of them agreed that doing that role play allowed them to explore different aspects of themselves.

Conclusion

Sexual role play can be fun and freeing because it provides an opportunity to use your imagination and explore different parts of yourself.  

Sometimes these aspects are different from your everyday personality.  Other times they might be aspects you didn't even realize were part of you.

If you're new to sexual role play, going slowly and taking a step-by-step approach allows you explore your sexuality in a way that feels safe and comfortable.

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

Sex therapy is a form of talk therapy (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?)

There is no physical exam, nudity or sex during sex therapy sessions (see my article: What Are the Most Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?).

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

Individual adults and couples seek help in sex therapy for a variety of reasons (see my article:  What Are the Most Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?).

If you're having sexual problems, rather than struggling on your own, get help from a skilled sex therapist so you can have a more fulfilling sex life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Sexual Explorations: Substitute the Words "What's Your Fantasy?" With "What Are You Sexually Curious About?"

In her excellent book, Sex Talks, Sex Therapist Vanessa Marin discusses how to make sexual communication easier and less intimidating when talking about potential sexual fantasies (see my article: Exploring and Normalizing Sexual Fantasies Without Guilt or Shame).

What Are You Sexually Curious About?

According to Ms. Marin, many people become intimidated when their partner asks them about their sexual fantasies (see my article: Finding Your Sexual Voice).

I've also noticed this with individuals and couples who come to see me for sex therapy in my private practice in New York City.  

There's something about the words "sexual fantasies" that induce shame and guilt in many people. It's as if they think their partner is asking them to provide detailed full length narratives about things they want to try in bed.  As a result, they feel ashamed, their mind goes blank, and this shuts down the conversation.  

Rather than thinking of sexual fantasies as possibilities in an open ended way, they believe they should know what they like, how they like it, when they want it, and so on.  

But when people approach sex from the perspective of new possibilities, it's not necessary to know every detail because it's an open-ended exploration.

According to Ms. Marin, a better way to approach talking about fantasies is asking, "What are you sexually curious about?" because this helps to open up the conversation to sexual possibilities and it's less intimidating for many people than using the word "fantasies."

For example, being sexually curious, it's enough to just be able to say something like, "I've always been curious about trying the reverse cowgirl sexual position" (or something else) without knowing how to do it or if you'll even like it before you try it. 

Becoming curious and open sexually, as opposed thinking you have to know everything in advance, also makes sexual exploration much less shame inducing and even fun and exciting.

In addition, be aware that some people are much more aware of their sexual thoughts than others.  

Specifically, people who experience spontaneous sexual desire are more likely to be aware of their sexual fantasies. Other people who experience responsive sexual desire might not even be aware of any sexual thoughts or fantasies at all.

This is because people with spontaneous desire experience sexual desire mentally first (sexual thoughts) and then physically.  

And people with responsive sexual desire often experience no horniness until they get physical.  So, people with responsive desire experience sexual thoughts or fantasies after they after they get physical. So, for responsive desire people, physical desire precedes sexual thoughts.

This is why if you ask someone who has responsive desire to tell you about their sexual fantasies before they're physical engaged in sex, they can draw a blank.

A Clinical Vignette - Sexual Explorations: Sexual Fantasy vs Sexual Curiosity

The following clinical vignette is a composite of many different clinical cases to protect confidentiality.  This scenario illustrates the difference between asking about fantasies vs approaching fantasies from a perspective of sexual curiosity. It also illustrates the difference between spontaneous desire and responsive desire.

Sara and Jim

After five years of marriage, Sara and Jim, both in their early 40s, sought help in sex therapy because they were no longer having sex.

Sara and Jim in Sex Therapy

They told their sex therapist that in the prior year, they had sex four times with large gaps of time in between.  In sex therapy, couples who have sex less than 10 times a year are considered no sex couples.  

Both agreed they couldn't keep their hands off each other when they first met and they had sex several times a week back then.  But two years into their relationship after they moved in together, sex became dull and, as a result, they sought each other out sexually much less often.

Although both of them were concerned about their waning sex life, they hoped that, somehow, it would improve after they got married.  

But, over time, things got worse. Instead of improving, they got into a deeper sexual rut and they both admitted to their sex therapist that they didn't look forward to sex anymore because sex had become boring.  In fact, they mostly avoided sex because they didn't know what to do to improve things.

Jim said he tried to spice things up a few years before by asking Sara about her sexual fantasies.  He told the therapist that he was prepared to talk about his rich sexual fantasy life, but they reached a dead end in the conversation when Sara drew a blank.  She told Jim she wasn't aware of ever having any sexual fantasies.  

Sara told the sex therapist she remembered the day Jim asked her about her sexual fantasies and how awkward, ashamed and guilty she felt.  

She said talking about sex was always difficult for her--much more difficult than actually having sex.  So, she just didn't know how to respond when Jim asked her out of the blue about sexual fantasies. She found the whole topic humiliating because it made her feel sexually inadequate.

After a few sessions where the sex therapist assessed each of their family and sexual histories, she explained to them that Jim experienced spontaneous desire where he had frequent thoughts about sex which led to physical sexual arousal for him.  So, she said, it made sense that he would be more aware of his fantasies.

She also explained that Sara experienced responsive desire so Sara wouldn't have been as aware of her fantasies because she needed to be already engaged in sexual activity before she had sexual thoughts.

The sex therapist explained that both spontaneous and responsive desire are normal and neither one is better than the other.  It was more a matter of understanding the differences between them so they could begin to navigate their way to a better sex life (see my article: Understanding Differences in Sexual Desire in Your Relationship).

She also explained that part of the problem might be with the words "sexual fantasies," which can be intimidating to some people. In response, Sara said she did feel intimidated by those words.  So, the sex therapist suggested they approach sexual novelty with open-ended curiosity.  

As a homework assignment, the sex therapist recommended various forms of erotica (visual and auditory) and pornography, including ethical pornography, as a way to stimulate sexual curiosity and explore new sexual possibilities.

When they returned the following week, both Jim and Sara were eager to talk.  Sara said she didn't feel sexually aroused by watching porn, but she enjoyed listening to an erotic audiobook. For her, listening was better than watching, and she had never realized this before.

Sex Therapy 

Although Sara didn't feel immediately turned on, she and Jim planned a sexy romantic evening where they turned off their phones and the TV and eliminated any other distractions.  

Both of them agreed that throughout the week knowing they had a sexy romantic evening planned helped to generate sexual anticipation.

After they set a more romantic context with candlelight and music in the background, Jim gave Sara a long massage to help her to relax.  Then, she was able to talk to him about what she heard in the erotic audiobook that piqued her curiosity.  

Sara was quick to tell their sex therapist that she wasn't aware of any detailed sexual fantasies, but she was curious to try sexual role play because it sounded so hot and fun (see my article: What Are the Benefits of Sexual Role Play?).

Jim was also able to share his sexual fantasies about threesomes.  Although the fantasy was exciting for both of them, they greed they weren't ready to try this in real life yet.  

This was the beginning of Jim and Sara getting curious about what they wanted to explore in bed.   

At the suggestion of their therapist, Sara also began keeping an erotic journal to capture her thoughts about things she heard in erotica that she was curious about.  

As opposed to when Jim initially asked her about her sexual fantasies, Sara didn't feel pressured. Instead, she felt more excited and open to sexual exploration and, over time, her sexual self esteem improved.

Conclusion

When they're asked about sexual fantasies, many people feel too intimidated and pressured. They think they have to come up with full length narratives rather than just being open to talking about sexual exploration.  This is especially true for people with responsive sexual desire, who aren't aware of having sexual thoughts before they engage in sex.

A better way to approach sexual exploration for people who don't respond well to being asked about sexual fantasies is to ask them what they might be curious about.  Even if they don't know at first, there are many ways to explore possibilities through ethical porn, regular porn and other forms of erotica to stimulate ideas and desire.

There's something about the idea of getting curious that allows them to feel more comfortable because curiosity is open ended and it opens up the possibility to find out more.

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

If you're having sexual problems, you could benefit from seeking help from a licensed mental health professional who is a sex therapist.

Sex therapy is a form of talk therapy for individuals and couples (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).

People seek help in sex therapy for a variety of reasons (see my article:  What Are Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?).

There is no physical exam, nudity or sex in sex therapy sessions (see my article: What Are Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?).

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a skilled sex therapist so you can have a more fulfilling sex life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a sex positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out. more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.