Intent vs Impact: Understanding the Difference Between What You Meant and How Your Partner Actually Experienced It

The gap between intent and impact is one of the most common triggers for relationship conflict. While you might judge yourself by your internal motivation, your partner probably judges you by external actions and words.

What Are the Definitions of Intent and Impact?

Your Intent: Your internal motivation, purpose or meaning behind an action. It is completely invisible to your partner unless you explicitly state it.

Relationships: Intent vs Impact

Impact on Your Partner: The emotional reality of how your actions land on your partner. It is shaped by their unique perspective, emotional history and attachment needs.

Common Examples of Gaps Between Intent and Impact

• Your Intent (Internal): Offering solutions to help your partner solve a stressful work problem 
• Impact on Your Partner (External): Feeling dismissed, criticized or unheard when they just wanted emotional empathy (see my article: Improving Communication in Your Relationship: Does Your Partner Need to Be Helped, Heard or Hugged?).

• Your Intent (Internal): Gently teasing them about a quirky habit to spark playful connection
• Impact on Your Partner (External): Feeling mocked, torn down or insecure about their flaws

• Your Intent (Internal): Looking at your phone to gently decompress after a long stressful day
• Impact on Your Partner (External): Feeling ignored, rejected or lonely during a moment they wanted to connect with you and share

• Your Intent (Internal): Staying late at the office to make a work deadline and provide your relationship with financial stability
• Impact on Your Partner (External): Feeling deprioritized and abandoned during dinner

Why Does Prioritizing Intent Over Impact Cause Ruptures?

When a partner says, "You hurt my feelings", the usual defensive reaction is usually, "That's not what I meant!" or "You're taking it the wrong way!"

This approach actively damages the relationship because defending your intent invalidates their impact (see my article: What is Emotional Validation and Why Is It Such An Important Relationship Skill?).

To your partner, it sounds like an excuse that ignores and rewrites their emotional reality. 

When you prioritize your intention over their emotional pain, you communicate that being "right" is more important than their emotional safety.

How to Successfully Bridge the Gap Between Intent and Impact

To resolve the conflict, you must separate the clumsiness of the action from the goodness of the intent or motive:

• Acknowledge and Validate the Impact First: Before you tell your partner what you meant, acknowledge their emotional wound. Use statements like, "I can see that my comment really hurt you and I'm sorry for causing you to feel that way."

Relationships: Intent vs Impact

• Separate Intent From Impact: Once your partner feels emotionally safe and heard, gently introduce your original motivation without using it as an excuse, "My goal was to help fix the problem, but I see how that felt dismissive instead of supportive."

• Stay Curious and Not Defensive: Ask your partner open-ended questions like, "Can you tell me more about how that made you feel like that so I don't do it again in the future?"

• Adjust Future Behavior: True relational repair requires adapting your actions to match your intention. If your intent is love, your impact must eventually reflect love.

Get Help in Couples Therapy

Problems between intent and impact are common for many couples.

If the two of you have been unable to work out these issues on your own, you could benefit from working with a couples therapist who uses Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) For Couples).

Working with a skilled couples therapist can help you to learn new skills and develop a more fulfilling relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT Couples Therapist, IFS, Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have helped many individual adults and couples over the years.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

I provide a free 10-15 minute phone call before setting up an appointment.

You can reach me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or you can email me.

Also See My Articles:

What Are the 4 Warning Signs Your Relationship Might Be in Trouble? 

Coping With Relationship Stress 

Getting Your Emotional Needs Met in Your Relationship

How to Navigate the 5 Relationship Stages

How Do IFS Parts Work Therapists Use Clinical Intuition?

IFS stands for Internal Family Systems and was developed by Richard Schwartz, PhD, in the1980s (see my article: What is the IFS Therapy Step-By-Step Process?)

How Do IFS Therapists Use Clinical Intuition

IFS therapy is a IFS is a Gentle Evidence-Based Therapy that is called a parts work therapy. There were prior parts work therapies including Ego States Therapy, which was developed by John and Helen Watkins in the 1960s (see my article: How Can Parts Work Therapy, Like IFS and Ego States Therapy, Help You to Be More Creative?).

IFS is one of many types of Experiential Therapy (see my article: Why is Experiential Therapy More Effective Than Traditional Talk Therapy?

I did my original training in Ego States Therapy while learning Clinical Hypnosis in 2012--just before I trained in Somatic Experiencing.

How Do IFS Therapists Use Clinical Intuition?

Most Experiential Therapies use clinical intuition, but each use it in a different way (see my article: What Role Does Clinical Intuition Play in Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy (AEDP)?).

How Do IFS Therapists Use Clinical Intuition

To understand IFS therapy, you need to understand that we are all made of a multiplicity of internal parts. Some professionals use the term "self states" instead of "parts", but it means the same thing (see my article: Embracing Your Many Self States).

Clinical intuition in IFS therapy is the IFS therapist's ability to sense, track and resonate with the client's internal system of parts without relying only on the client's explicit verbal information.

In IFS therapy and other types of Experiential therapies, intuition isn't a mystical or magical superpower. Instead, it is the direct byproduct of an IFS therapist, who has in depth training in IFS, using their Core Self presence (see my article: Discovering Your Core Self in IFS Therapy?

Operating from their Core Self, IFS therapists pick up on the client's somatic shifts, unexpressed and unconscious protective survival strategies and the subtle energy of the wounded parts of the client.

When an IFS therapist has done their own psychological work in therapy, their clinical intuition becomes a highly valuable tool for navigating their clients' complex internal systems.

They do this by:

• Detecting the Client's Hidden Internal Protector Parts: Intuition alerts the IFS therapist when a client says they're "fine" but, in reality, the client has internal protector parts that are trying to protect clients' by blocking access to the more wounded parts of the client to ensure safety. The term "protector parts" is another way of saying defense mechanisms, which is a term used in psychoanalysis and psychodynamic therapy.

• Sensing Their Own Internal Somatic Sensations: The IFS therapist is trained to detect their own embodied experience, also called the felt sense. This might include a tightening in their chest or a noticeable shift in their own breathing. This usually mirrors the client's experience that is unconscious, so the client hasn't noticed it yet.

• Tracking Backlash: Clinical intuition helps the IFS therapist to foresee when she might move too quickly and an internal emotionally wounded part gets triggered if she doesn't follow the step-by-step IFS process.

• Recognizing a Sudden Urge to "Fix" the Client: A sudden urge to "fix" the client or push for a psychological breakthrough is an intuitive signal from the IFS therapist's inner world. Since this could trigger a backlash, the IFS therapist is trained to observe this urge within herself and refocus on her Core Self to work within the client's window of tolerance.

Balancing Clinical Intuition With IFS Therapy's Step-By-Step Process

While intuition can guide the direction of therapy, IFS requires a careful balance to ensure that the therapist is attuned to the client and doesn't impose her own assumptions on the client.

How Do IFS Therapists Use Clinical Intuition

The following is a comparison of when only pure intuition is used rather than the therapist using her own attuned Core Self to understand what is happening to the client.

Note: The IFS Core Self application is the correct way to proceed clinically in IFS Therapy.

Intuitive Attribute: Pacing of the Therapy: 

• Using Only Pure Intuition (without IFS process): An example would be rushing to discover the client's wounded part because it feels open and ready to be discovered.

• The IFS Core Self Application: Slows down to ask permission from the client's defenses first. This is a very important step.

Intuitive Attribute - Interpretation: 

• Using Only Pure Intuition: An example of this would be identifying a client's part without feedback from the client and the part. 

How Do IFS Therapists Use Clinical Intuition?

• The IFS Core Self Application: Asking the client, "How do you feel towards this part right now?"

Intuitive Attribute - Somatic Tracking: 

• Using Only Pure Intuition: An example of only using pure intuition (without the therapist attuned Core Self) would be making an assumption that a client's tight jaw means they are angry.

• The Core Self Application: The therapist shares her observation with the client without making an assumption. Instead of making an assumption, the therapist asks the client how they experience the tightened jaw and what emotion or thought might be connected to it.

How Does An IFS Therapist Develop IFS-Specific Intuition?

• Doing Their Own Therapy: When I did my first postgraduate training in psychoanalysis and psychodynamic therapy, we were all required to do our own three-time-per-week psychoanalysis for the four years I was in the program.  This was a very important part of the training, along with having three clinical supervisors, classes and seeing clients at the psychotherapy center as a Fellow of the program. A therapist's deep understanding of their inner world allows them to provide safe, effective and ethical treatment. It prevents their own personal biases and unresolved issues from interfering with the client's healing process. In IFS therapy, this means that a therapist maintains a healthy connection with her own parts to keep a clear and open channel for IFS-specific intuition. I will discuss this topic further in another article with regard to. the importance of all therapists attending their own therapy as well as working with qualified supervisors, especially when they are new therapists.

• Choosing Resonating Over Reasoning: IFS therapists are trained to shift from cognitive analytic tracking to somatic and energetic resonance in the room with the client.

• Grounding in Curiosity and Compassion: IFS therapists are trained to ground themselves in calm, curiosity and compassion which is part of the Core Self's 8 Cs (the other Cs are: clarity, courage, confidence, creativity, and connectedness. Intuition can develop naturally when the therapist isn't striving for a particular outcome.

Get Help in IFS Therapy

As I mentioned earlier, IFS therapy is one of many different types of Experiential therapy (the others include EMDR, Somatic Experiencing, clinical hypnosis, EFT couples therapy and AEDP.

Get Help in IFS Therapy

If you have been unable to work through a personal problem or if you have unresolved trauma, you could benefit from working with an IFS therapist.

When you are able to free yourself from your history of distress or trauma, you can lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, IFS, Ego States, EFT for couples, Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapy.

I have helped many individual adults and couples over the years.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

I provide a free 10-15 minute phone call before setting up an appointment.

You can reach me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or you can email me.

Also See My Articles:

IFS Therapy: Is An Unconscious Part of Yourself in Charge of Your Life?

Healing Perfectionism With IFS Therapy 

The Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy? 

In Experiential Therapy There Are No "Blank Slate" Therapists

Why Are So Many of Us Fearful of Change While Others Embrace It?

According to the latest research, while some people embrace change wholeheartedly, the vast majority of us don't like change--especially change we haven't chosen because it gets us out of our comfort zone.

Making Changes

As a New York City psychotherapist in private practice, I get to see how people respond to making changes--even changes they want--with a mixture of anxious anticipation, fear and ambivalence. 

On the surface, this might not seem to make sense. After all, you might say, if people are coming to therapy voluntarily because they want to make changes, why wouldn't they respond to change with open arms?

As we explore further, although it might not make sense objectively, it does make psychological sense.

Why Is Change so Hard For Most of Us?

When we look beyond the surface, we see that what most people really dislike is the lack of control and the uncertainty involved. 

Looking even further, we discover that, while we might like certain changes that we have chosen--like traveling on a much-anticipated vacation, falling in love or getting a raise at work, we tend to feel resistance to involuntary changes that are imposed on us.

Involuntary change might include:

• An unexpected life event like the death of a loved one, a new health concern or the end of a relationship where there is grief and loss

• A workplace restructuring that might involve reporting to someone new

• A financial loss

• Other similar unexpected changes

Under these involuntary circumstances, the pain and loss can feel confusing and threatening.

Why Do We Have Mixed Feelings About Change We Seek in Therapy?

The individual adults and couples I see in my private practice are all voluntary clients. None of them are mandated to come to therapy.

Making Changes in Therapy

They usually come to therapy, spending their time and hard-earned money in the effort, because some part of them wants to make changes. 

But, for most us, as we begin the change process, we also begin to have mixed feelings about it--even for changes that we really want.

Why is this?

Part of the answer is that the human brain naturally prioritizes predictability and comfort over the discomfort of growth. Even when a change is highly desired and voluntarily chosen, the status quo represents a survival strategy or behavioral pattern that has kept us safe, comfortable or, at least, it was familiar. 

With regard to safe and familiar, as the saying goes, "Better the devil you know than the devil you don't."

In psychotherapy this ambivalence is called the "approach-avoidance conflict" which means that we are simultaneously drawn to the benefits of change and a better life while also being repelled by the fear and effort to change.

In addition, maladaptive behaviors always serve a purpose--even if we don't know what that purpose might be. 

Making Changes in IFS Therapy

For instance, according to IFS Therapy (Internal Family Systems Therapy), we all have many different aspects of ourselves, including protector parts, also known as defense mechanisms in psychodynamic psychotherapy. 

It's common to have protector parts that resist change because these parts assumed these roles in order to "protect" a wounded traumatized part of us.

These protector parts have "good intentions" in terms of their protective roles. Most likely, they were useful at an earlier time in our life as a survival mechanism, but their impact becomes maladaptive as we become adults and these survival mechanisms hold us back. 

For instance, if we learned to become emotionally numb in a dysfunctional family when our parents were fighting, the emotional numbness might have protected us from feeling the overwhelming pain of being abused or neglected.

But, as an adult, becoming emotionally numb while our spouse is telling us how annoyed they are about something we did isn't adaptive anymore. As adults, we need to be attuned and attentive to what our partner is saying if we want our relationship to survive.

We might really want to be a good partner, but if we have a tendency to numb ourselves (also known as "zoning out") when our partner is complaining to us, being present would mean taking the emotional risk that we are now safe enough with our partner to let go of a long-standing defense mechanism, which isn't easy to do.

Another example: If we are working on unresolved trauma, we know logically that our life would be better once we no longer carry the burden of the psychological trauma, but dealing with painful unprocessed emotions might make us want to abandon the effort.

How Can the Change Process Be Easier to Manage?

As a trauma therapist, I can't eliminate the emotional pain with making changes, especially if the change involves processing unresolved trauma, but I can and do help clients to process trauma in manageable ways when possible (see my article: Coping With Emotional Distress in Experiential Therapy Using the Somatic Experiencing Technique of Pendulation).

Although change might not be easy, there are ways to make it more manageable with the help of an experienced therapist:

• Shift Out of An All-or-Nothing Mindset: All-or-nothing thinking sets us up for disappointment when we don't make difficult changes immediately. 

Get Curious About the Change Process

• Adopt Non-Judgemental Curiosity: Instead of viewing fear and ambivalence as a personal failure, get curious about your change process (see my article: How to Develop a Curious Mindset).

• Acknowledge Protective Habits: Recognize that old habits that are no longer adaptive once kept you feeling safe.

• Separate Fear From Action: Learn to carry the physical sensation of fear in therapy while you take steps to make changes.

Progress Isn't Linear

• Expect Non-Linear Progress: Expect that growth involves inevitable ups and downs. Progress isn't a straight line (see my article: Progress in Therapy Isn't Linear).

• Identify What is Controllable: Instead of focusing on what isn't controllable, focus on what you can control right now.

• Remember Prior Resilience: Write down the times when you were able to successfully make changes due to unexpected events and recognize that you probably still have the resilience to make changes now--especially if you approach change in a manageable way rather than all at once.

Challenge Catastrophic Thinking

• Challenge Catastrophic Thinking: Evaluate whether your fears are realistic or if your mind is focusing only on worst-case scenarios (see my article: Are You Catastrophizing?).

• Process Long-Term Regret: Forgive yourself for waiting until now to make changes so that guilt doesn't become an obstacle to making changes.

Conclusion

Change can be difficult.

Even when you seek help in therapy to make much-needed changes, you can experience an approach-avoidance conflict about the process.

Get Help in Therapy

There are steps you can take in the change process, with the help of a therapist, that can make the change more manageable.

In addition, choosing a therapist that allows you to feel safe enough to make changes is important--not only for making changes--but also to have a new experience of safety if you weren't safe when you were growing up (see my article: How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, IFS/Parts Work Therapist, EFT Couples Therapist, Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

As an experienced therapist, I have helped many individual adults and couples to make positive change over the years.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

I provide a free 10-15 minute phone call before setting up a first appointment.

To set up an appointment, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles:

Overcoming Your Fear of Making Changes

What is a Growth Mindset vs a Fixed Mindset?

Coping With the In-Between State of Change

Why It's Important For Therapists to Provide Clients With Information About How Therapy Works

What Are the Psychological Benefits of Play For Adults?

When was the last time you played as an adult just for the fun of it--without a goal or an agenda?

The Benefits of Play For Adults

For most adults, play is usually low on their list of priorities. The older they get, the less playful they become. They are too busy contending with never-ending to do lists and, as adults get older, productivity becomes more important than play. From that perspective, play becomes a "waste of time".

Societal pressures, biological shifts and cognitive changes reshape how they view time and behavior. In addition, the adult brain prioritizes efficiency and survival over exploration and the modern world conditions adults to experience being "unproductive" with guilt.

What Are the Psychological Benefits of Play For Adults?

Despite personal and societal pressures, we now know, based on psychological and neurobiological research, that play and playfulness are beneficial for adults.

The Benefits of Play For Adults

Contemporary studies from organizations, like the National Institute for Play, indicate that adults play is a neurological necessity for optimal cognitive function, stress resilience and optimal well-being.

The key psychological benefits of adult play include:

• Stress Reduction and Better Coping: Research indicates that highly playful adults experience lower levels of perceived stress because play triggers the release of endorphins and dopamine while actively regulating cortisol. Playful adults utilize healthier, adaptive coping mechanisms, including positive reframing, rather than avoidant behaviors.

The Benefits of Play

• Enhanced Emotional Intelligence and Resilience: Research has revealed that play directly enhances emotional intelligence and strengthens personal resilience. It can provide a psychological buffer which allows adults to bounce back from adversity and workplace burnout.

• Cognitive Flexibility and Flow States: Play can act as a cognitive refresh by removing pressure and goal-driven thinking. According to research on adult playfulness, engaging in unstructured or mentally challenging play (e.g., puzzles or strategic games) stimulates creative thinking and problem solving. This makes it easier to enter into deeply satisfying flow states (see my article: What is a Flow State?).

• Social Connectedness: Group play, cooperative games and shared laughter foster empathy, trust and intimacy. In addition, structured social play significantly reduces loneliness and social isolation.

How Do Adults Play?

Researchers categorize most adult play into the following categories:

• Active forms - like recreational sports
• Digital play - like video games
• Unstructured hobbies - like painting, playing music or trying a new craft just for the fun of it

How Can You Be More Playful as an Adult?

To reclaim play in your adult life:

• Start By Giving Yourself Permission: For most adults, the biggest barrier is internal. Remind yourself that play isn't frivolous so you can overcome your inner critic who might judge you for "wasting time."

• Start Small: You don't have to go out and join a sports team--unless you want to. You can start small by dancing to your favorite music or coloring in a coloring book. An initial low commitment reduces pressure.

• Get Curious: Find out what you like:
• Do you like games with winners and losers? 
• Do you enjoy making things?
• Do you prefer laughter and silliness?
• Do you like play that involves movement and physical awareness?

• Notice Play in Your Daily Life: Playfulness is a mindset so begin to notice common everyday examples:
• Doodling
• Improvisational cooking
• Daydreaming about fictional scenarios
• Exploring nature
  

Conclusion

When you include play in your life, you realize that life isn't all about being productive or enduring day-to-day challenges. It's also about experiencing joy.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, IFS, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have helped many individual adults and couples over the years.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles:

The Joy of Being More Playful 

The Benefits of Laughter For Your Health and Mental Health 

Being Open to New Experiences

11 Ways to Be a More Creative Person 

The Power of Storytelling 

Relationships: How is Curiosity a Gateway to Empathy?

Curiosity is a gateway to empathy by shifting your mindset from judgment to exploration. 

Curiosity as a Gateway to Empathy

Curiosity is the capacity to feel and understand another person's internal experience. However, you cannot share a feeling that you have not first tried to understand. Curiosity bridges this gap by creating the cognitive framework for deeper emotional connection. 

Curiosity breaks down the barriers to true empathy through several important mechanisms:

Curiosity Replaces Judgment With Inquiry: 

• Assumptions Are Blocked: When you enter an interaction with a curious mindset, your brain stops trying to instantly categorize, label and judge the other person's behavior.

• Understanding "Why" Becomes Prioritized: Instead of dismissing a behavior you don't like with a statement like, "He's being hostile towards me", curiosity poses the question, "What is causing him to react in this way?"

• Cognitive Loops Are Interrupted: This simple shift de-escalates emotional defensiveness which makes space to objectively observe the other person's reality.

Curiosity Unlocks Deep Listening:

• Focus is Externalized: Curiosity allows you to set aside your internal dialog, your biases and your premeditated responses.

Curiosity as a Gateway to Empathy

• Meaning is Prioritized Over Winning: When you focus on trying to understand the meaning of the interaction, you stop focusing on your counter-argument or a need to offer unsolicited advice.

• Open-Ended Exploration is Invited: By asking non-judgmental questions, you actively invite the other person to share their nuanced, authentic experience.

Curiosity Expands Your Imagination

• Perspective-Taking is Activated: Curiosity and empathy encourages you to put yourself in the other person's place.

Curiosity as a Gateway to Empathy

• New Perspectives Can Be Explored: Curiosity provides the spark to wonder about other perspectives and other realities that are different from your own.

• Biases Are Dismantled: Curiosity can help you to bridge the gap so you can empathize with others.

Clinical Vignette

The following vignette, which is a composite of many cases, illustrates how curiosity can lead to empathy:

Ann and Frank

Ann and Frank were married for 10 years.  During that time, whenever Ann became fearful or anxious, Frank became impatient and harsh with her, "Why are you afraid to go on this job interview? You have the skills and experience to get this job. Stop worrying so much."

Curiosity as a Gateway to Empathy

Whenever Frank spoke to her in this way, Ann felt her feelings were dismissed by Frank and  then she felt ashamed of herself. Logically, she knew had the right skills and experience, but she didn't feel this way emotionally.

When they attended their next couples therapy session, Ann brought up how dismissed and ashamed she felt whenever Frank scolded her for being fearful and anxious. 

When their therapist explored what was happening for Frank emotionally when Ann got anxious or fearful, at first, he said he wasn't aware of feeling anything about it. So, their therapist asked Frank to slow down and sense into his body while remembering the conversation he had with Ann.

After a few moments, Frank remembered, "When I was child, whenever I tried to talk to my father about how scared I was of trying out for the Little League team, my father yelled at me and told me I had to face my fears and stop being a baby. He gave me a disgusted look like he was ashamed of me for being scared. That's how it was whenever I told him I was scared--until I stopped telling him."

As he said this, Frank's eyes welled up with tears, "I felt so ashamed, so I pushed down my fears and toughed it out."

At that point, Frank realized he was dismissing and shaming Ann in the same way his father dismissed and shamed him, "All I ever wanted was for my father to encourage me and give me emotional support. I realize now that's what Ann wanted, but whenever she feels anxious and afraid, it brings up those old feelings for me that I pushed down when I was a kid. It's so hard for me to tolerate because it triggers my own insecurities." Then, he apologized to Ann.

Their therapist spoke to them about using curiosity as a way to avoid judgment, criticism, dismissiveness and shaming.

Ann and Frank practiced these new skills in their couples therapy sessions as well as between therapy sessions. When he was able to get curious, he felt empathetic towards Ann and he discovered that Ann's fear and anxiety were also tied to her own childhood experiences of emotional neglect.

Frank became much more emotionally supportive and, in the process, he was able to talk in session about his own insecurities that he was never able to express as a child. Feeling understood for the first time by his wife and his therapist helped Frank to heal these old wounds.

Ann was also able to talk about how she was affected by emotional neglect in her family and she realized that, as adults, she and Frank could be emotionally supportive of each other as one way to heal their emotional wounds.

Being able to support one another also helped Ann and Frank to deepen their emotional connection (see my article: How to Develop Emotional Depth in Your Relationship).

Conclusion

Curiosity is a gateway to empathy.

Understanding the underlying issues that get in the way of being curious can help you to understand the emotional barriers you might be experiencing to feeling empathetic (e.g., unresolved traumatic childhood experiences).

Get Help in Therapy

If you have difficulty letting go of defensiveness that gets in the way of getting curious, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional.

Get Help in Therapy

Working through these issues in therapy can help you to live a more meaningful life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work Therapy (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have helped many individual adults and couples over the years.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles:

Developing Curiosity and Self Compassion 

Maintaining a Sense of Wonder As An Adult 

Nurturing Your Relationship 

What is Self Awareness and Why Is It Important For You and Your Relationships?

What is Self Awareness?

Self awareness is the conscious ability to recognize and understand your own emotions, thoughts, behaviors, strengths and weaknesses (see my article: What is Self Reflecting Awareness and Why Is It Important to You?).

Developing Self Awareness

Self awareness involves objectively evaluating your character and recognizing how your actions and personality affect yourself and others.  Self awareness acts as the basis for Emotional Intelligence (EQ).

What Are the Core Components of Self Awareness?

• Internal Self Awareness: Understanding your own inner emotional wants and needs, values, passions, aspirations and emotional reactions

• External Awareness: Recognizing how you are perceived by others and understanding the impact of your actions on them 

• Objective Focus: The ability to monitor yourself as if you were another person by focusing on the reality of your behavior rather than on a self created story

Why Does Self Awareness Matter?

• Enhanced Emotional Control: Recognizing your emotions helps you to manage them effectively

Developing Self Awareness

• Better Relationships: Understanding your impact on others helps improves interpersonal connections

• Personal Growth: Identifying strengths and weaknesses fosters a growth mindset and increased self esteem

What Are the Signs of Low Self Awareness?

Some of the signs of low self awareness include:

• Lack of Reflection: Rarely thinking about your own thoughts, feelings, behavior or motivations 

• Limited Emotional Vocabulary: Describing feelings as only "good" or "bad" or in some other vague way that make it difficult to understand, process or communicate your feelings

• Poor Emotional Regulation: Experiencing intense, sudden emotional outbursts or being unable to identify and manage your own triggers

• Defensiveness and Accountability Deficits: Responding to feedback with anger or excuses rather than reflection and taking responsibility for mistakes

• "Blind Spots" and Poor Perspective: An inability to "read the room" or to recognize how your behavior affects others (see my article: Overcoming Your Emotional Blind Spots)

• Arrogance and Over-Reliance on External Validation: Holding a distorted or overly positive view of yourself while needing to be the center of attention (i.e. a need for a lot of external validation) and always needing to be "right"

• Boundary Crossing: Consistently crossing or pushing other people's boundaries (see my article: How to Set Boundaries Without Guilt)

What Are the Consequences of Low Self Awareness?

While you might struggle to understand why your actions aren't getting you the results you want, low self awareness often leads to:

• Fractured relationships
• Poor decision-making
• High levels of anxiety and frustration 

How to Develop Better Self Awareness

• Get Curious: Get curious about your own thoughts, feelings and behavior and what motivates you (see my article: How to Develop a Curious Mindset)

• Practice Mindfulness: Be fully present and aware of your thoughts and feelings in the moment

• Seek Feedback: Ask trusted friends and family members for their perspective on your behavior

Developing Self Awareness

• Journaling: Reflect on your thoughts, feelings and behavior in a journal

• Asking Yourself "Why": Analyze the underlying reasons behind your behavior and your decisions and ask why you feel and think the way you do

How Can Therapy Help You to Develop Increased Self Awareness?

Psychotherapy, especially Experiential Therapy, provides a safe space for you to boost your self awareness:

• A Safe Reflection Space: The therapist can offer a "mirror", providing objective feedback that helps you to see blind spots and helps you to see how your behavior affects you and others.

• Identifying Unconscious Patterns: Therapy can help you to identify recurring unconscious thoughts, feelings and behavior that influence your life which helps you to move from automatic reactions to conscious choices.

Developing Self Awareness

• Exploring Emotions and Triggers: You can learn to identify, label and understand the root causes of your emotional responses, including stress and anger, using tools like the Wheel of Emotions or other similar methods.

• Mindfulness Techniques: Mindfulness in therapy encourages you to be present and notice your thoughts and behavior in the here-and-now without judgment, which helps you to understand your inner world and manage your responses.

• Uncovering Core Beliefs: By exploring past experiences and current perceptions, you can uncover deep-seated beliefs and values that drive your behavior.

• Visualizing Your Inner World: Experiential Therapy, like Internal Family Systems (IFS), can help you to explore your desires, fears, needs and goals (see my article: How Does Imagery and Imagination Enchance Psychotherapy?).

Getting Help in Therapy

A lack of self awareness often occurs because adults weren't taught about emotional intelligence when they were children. 

Their parents didn't help them to name, validate and manage emotions in their daily life. 

Getting Help in Therapy

This often occurs because these parents weren't taught these skills as children, so they grew up to be adults lacking in self awareness.

A skilled psychotherapist can help you to develop emotional intelligence which will increase your self awareness and your awareness of others. 

By developing better self awareness, you can lead a more meaningful life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have helped many individual adults and couples over the year.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me