Relationships: What's the Difference Between Trying to "Fix" Your Partner and Being Emotionally Supportive?

When your partner is distressed, anxious or depressed, it's natural for you to want to be emotionally supportive. But some people confuse being emotionally supportive with trying to "fix" their partner's problems, so it's important to understand the difference.

"Fixing" vs Being Emotionally Supportive

What's the Difference Between Trying to "Fix" Your Partner's Problems and Being Emotionally Supportive?

The main difference between trying to "fix" a problem and being emotionally supportive has to do with the intent and focus of what you do.

Trying to "Fix" the Problem:

Trying to "fix" your partner's problems involves:

• Your Approach: You treat your partner's problems like a puzzle to be solved.

• Your Goal: To eliminate the source of your partner's pain as quickly as possible. This might mean that you have a problem tolerating your partner's emotional distress, so you want it their distress to disappear as soon as possible. If this is the case, your own psychological work to do about this.

• Your Behavior: Giving your partner unsolicited advise, suggesting specific actions or taking on the problem yourself leads to your overfunctioning for your partner instead of allowing them to handle it with your emotional support (see my article: Are You Overfunctioning in Your Relationship?).

• Potential Problems: Your actions can signal to your partner that you think they are incapable of handling their problem. This can lead to your partner feeling belittled, frustrated, angry and resentful--even though you have good intentions. It can also set up a parent-child dynamic which usually has a detrimental impact on a relationship.

Being Emotionally Supportive:

• Your Approach: You prioritize "feeling with" your partner as opposed to "doing it for them".

• Your Goal: You create a safe space where your partner can feel seen, heard and understood (see my article: Creating a Safe Haven For Each Other).

• Your Behavior: Your behavior includes active listening, validating their feelings and offering comfort, like a hug if that's what your partner wants (see my article: Ask Your Partner If They Need to Be Helped, Heard or Hugged).

• Potential Benefits: Being emotionally supportive helps to create emotional intimacy between you and your partner. It can also build your partner's confidence that they have the capacity to solve their problems.

Clinical Vignettes

An Example of Trying to "Fix" the Problem

Emma and Bill:

Emma's husband, Bill, had a serious drinking problem. Although he promised he would stop drinking many times, he would stop for a day or two, but when he felt anxious, he would drink excessively again. Emma was very concerned about Bill's drinking and she wanted to help him, so she would throw out bottles of alcohol and make excuses to his boss when he was too hungover to go to work. 

Trying to "Fix" the Problem

After Bill was arrested twice for driving while intoxicated (DWI), he was court mandated to attend alcohol treatment. As part of the program, spouses attended groups to become educated about alcohol abuse and to learn how to be supportive without being codependent.  Through these groups, Emma learned that what she perceived as being helpful was actually detrimental to Bill's sobriety and she learned to focus on herself. Over time, Bill learned to lead a sober life one day at a time (see my article: What's the Difference Between Codependency and Interdependency?).

An Example of Being Emotionally Supportive

Jack and Dan:

Jack's husband, Dan, suffered with anxiety since he was a child. Whenever Jack sensed that Dan's anxiety was especially high, he would prioritize spending time with him to actively listen to and validate Dan's concerns. Dan felt safe talking to Jack because Jack was emotionally supportive and not critical or judgmental. Dan also knew that Jack wasn't trying to "fix" him. Instead, Jack was empathetic and he had a lot of patience with Dan. Eventually, he suggested that Dan seek help in therapy. 

Being Emotionally Supportive

At first, Dan didn't follow through, but Jack never tried to pressure Dan or get angry with Dan that he wasn't following through with seeking help. Then, one day Dan had a panic attack on the subway while he was going to work. At first, he didn't know what was happening to him, but once the panic attack subsided, he realized his anxiety was getting worse. Somewhat reluctantly, Dan sought help in therapy to deal with his anxiety. A few weeks into his therapy, Dan was relieved that he sought help because he was learning new tools and strategies to deal with his anxiety. And, eventually, his therapist helped Dan to deal with his unresolved trauma that contributed to his anxiety by using a combination of Parts Work and EMDR therapy (see my article: Trauma Therapy: Combining Parts Work and EMDR Therapy).

Conclusion

Although you might have the best intentions and your inclination might be to try to solve your partner's problems, in the long run, you could be doing more harm than good.

Being emotionally supportive by being attuned, empathetic and validating your partner's feelings will be more helpful to your partner and your emotional support can strengthen the bonds between you.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have over 25 years of experience helping individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Relationships: Why is It So Hard to Validate Your Partner's Vulnerability?

As a psychotherapist in New York City who works with individual adults and couples, I see many relationships who have problems with emotional validation.

Problems With Validating Your Partner's Vulnerability

In a prior article, Validation as a Pathway to Greater Emotional and Sexual Intimacy, I discussed the importance of vulnerability in developing emotional and sexual intimacy in your relationship.

In the current article I'm focusing on why it can be difficult to validate a partner's emotional vulnerability.

Why Is Validating a Partner's Vulnerability Difficult?

People often struggle to validate their partner's vulnerability for many reasons including:

• Misunderstanding validation: Believing it means agreeing or admitting fault--rather than acknowledging their partner's emotional reality.

• Fear and defensiveness: Vulnerability can trigger personal fears (fear of rejection or fear of inadequacy), making a partner defensive and punishing their partner for being vulnerable.

Problems With Validating Your Partner's Vulnerability

• Lack of Skills: Not knowing how to validate, struggling with emotional intelligence or an inability to handle intense emotions.

• Past Experiences of Being Hurt: Prior experiences of being hurt when vulnerability was met with rejection or criticism can create barriers.

• Societal Norms: Pressure to be stoic, especially for men, can hinder emotional sharing.

• Differing Perspectives: Difficulty accepting a partner's perspective due to a differing perspective.

• Emotional Disconnection: Being disconnected from their own own painful feelings. This can drive invalidating behavior towards their partner.

What Does Invalidating Behavior Look Like in Relationships?

The following are some examples of invalidating behavior:

• Dismissing a partner's feelings as "irrational" or "ridiculous".

• Turning away from a partner.

Problems With Validating Your Partner's Vulnerability

• Rolling their eyes, which is a form of contempt (see my article: Improving Communication By Avoiding the 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse).

• Changing the subject

• Focusing only on their own feelings about the topic

Conclusion

Validation isn't agreement.

Validation is about creating a safe haven for your partner's emotional experience.

Validating your partner requires a conscious effort, but the good news is that validation is a skill that can be learned (see my article: How to Validate Your Partner's Emotional Vulnerability).

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

If you and your partner have been struggling with problems in your relationship, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional who specializes in working with couples.

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

A skilled couples therapist can help you to develop the skills and tools you need to have a more fulfilling relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Improving Your Relationship By Practicing Teamwork

Practicing teamwork in your relationship is essential to developing and maintaining relationships (see my article: Relationships: Are You Pulling Together or Pulling Apart?).

Improving Your Relationship By Practicing Teamwork

To practice teamwork, it's important for both you and your partner to feel you have each other's backs and you will tackle whatever issues come up together.

Focusing on being a team means you each give up some control and the need to be right all the time. It also means that you learn to compromise.

How to Practice Teamwork to Improve Your Relationship

The following dynamics are important to working together as a team in your relationship:

• A Willingness to Start By Looking at How You Might Be Contributing to Problems in the Relationship: Before you can become a team, you need to be aware of dynamics in your relationship that are not working. Instead of pointing your finger at your partner, focus on yourself first and think about how you might be able to change to improve your relationship. This means letting go of keeping score of your partner's mistakes and making a commitment to make changes in your attitude and behavior.

Improving Your Relationship By Practicing Teamwork

• Trusting You Have Each Other's Backs and You're Willing to Compromise: You are two different people so, naturally, you're not going to feel the same way about everything, but when it comes to resolving problems, you can agree to work as a team to come up with a compromise. You're not focused on getting your way. Instead your focus is on coming up with the best possible compromise that you both can live with.  This means you might not get everything you want, but your focus is on strengthening your relationship. If there are current trust issues, you're willing to work on these issues to strengthen your relationship (see my article: How to Build Trust and Connection in Your Relationship).

Improving Your Relationship By Practicing Teamwork

• Coming Together to Focus on the Problem Instead of Blaming Each Other: When you approach problems as a team, you avoid blaming each other for the problems and, instead, you focus on the problems together. It means you and your partner approach difficult situations together to come up with potential solutions or compromises. This might include:

• Money issues (see my article: Arguing About Money)

• Family problems (see my article: What to Do If Your Partner and Your Parents Don't Get Along)

• Career changes
  

• Stress (see my article: Recognizing Signs That You Are Under Too Much Stress

• Emotional pressures

• Other issues

• Communicating in An Open, Honest and Respectful Manner: This includes: 

• Active listening to your partner's perspective--even if it's different from your own

• Taking turns speaking without interrupting, judging or criticizing each other

Improving Your Relationship By Practicing Teamwork

• Being clear about your own hopes and dreams for the relationship--even if it's different from your partner's hopes and dreams

• Emotionally validating each other's feelings--even if you disagree with your partner's perspective (see my article: How to Use Emotional Validation in Your Relationship)

• Establishing Common Goals (see my article: 10 Relationshp Goals That Can Make Your Relationship Stronger)

• Developing Clear Expectations: Once you have established common goals for the relationship, you need to discuss how you will accomplish these goals and get clear about each other's expectations with regard to each of your roles and responsibilities to avoid confusion and resentment.

• Celebrating Your Successes: When you have successfully taken a step towards accomplishing your goals, recognize and celebrate this success together.

Improving Your Relationship By Practicing Teamwork

• Providing Emotional Support to Each Other: Practicing teamwork includes being each other's source of emotional support. You are each other's "rock" in good and challenging times (see my article: What Do You Need to Feel Closer to Your Partner?).

• Expressing Your Appreciation For Each Other: It's easy to take each other for granted especially if you have been together for a while. Take the time to express your appreciation to each other so you each feel valued and loved (see my article: The Importance of Expressing Gratitude To Your Partner).

• Making Time For Each Other: Scheduling quality time to spend together to have fun. This includes time for emotional and sexual intimacy (see my article: Try a Little Playfulness).

• Repairing Ruptures Between the Two of You Sooner Rather Than Later: When arguments or conflicts arise and you know you made a mistake or hurt your partner, be willing to apologize to repair the rupture between the two of you as quickly as possible. Certain ruptures might take a while to repair, but the sooner you address them, the more likely you will be to repair whatever hurt or angry feelings there might be without the growing resentment that often develops over time (see my articles: How to Deal With Resentment in Your Relationship and Stages of Forgiveness).

• Get Help in Couples Therapy: If you are unable to come together as a team, you could benefit from getting help in couples therapy to work on these issues. A skilled couples therapist can help you so you can have a more fulfilling relationship (see my article: What is Emotionally Focused Therapy For Couples?).

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I have over 20 years of experience working with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles:

What Do Couples Talk About in Couples Therapy?

Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy

What Are Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?

 

Relationships: Respond to Your Partner with Emotional Attunement and Validation Before You Try to Solve the Problem

There's a relationship dynamic I often see in my psychotherapy office when I'm working with couples: 

One partner talks about their emotional pain and the other partner responds by trying to "fix" the problem which makes the first partner even more upset (see my article: What is Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT)?).

Attunement and Validation Before Problem Solving

You might say, "What's wrong with problem solving?"

What's wrong is that when your partner is upset, they need to feel you are emotionally attuned and validating their feelings (even if you don't agree with their view of the problem) before you offer a solution (see my article: How to Develop and Use Emotional Validation Skills in Your Relationship?).

When your partner is upset, they are in their emotional brain. 

When you jump ahead to problem solving, you are in the rational part of the brain. 

So, if they're in their emotional brain and you're in your rational brain, there is a misalignment between you.

You need to start where they are and, after you both calm down, you can problem solve together if that's what the problem requires.

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette, which is a composite of many cases, illustrates why emotional attunement and validation is so important as a first step and how these skills can be learned in couples therapy:

Claire and Mike

When Claire came home from a very stressful day at work, she felt frustrated and angry when she discovered that Mike left a mess in the sink after he made lunch for himself.

Claire was already tired from a long day at work and she just wanted to make dinner so she could relax afterwards. But, instead, she encountered the mess in the sink.  

To make matters worse, this was part of an ongoing argument between them. Just a few days before, Mike promised, once again, he wouldn't leave dishes in the sink anymore. 

Claire was too tired to deal the mess, so she ordered a pizza for dinner, threw herself on the couch and waited for the delivery

Mike arrived home a few minutes after the pizza arrived. 

Initially, he was in his usual cheerful mood. Then, he saw the pizza box in the kitchen and he said, "Ugh....pizza for dinner?"

Hearing Mike complain set Claire off, "You did it again--after you promised you wouldn't leave a mess in the sink! Now you're complaining because we're having pizza for dinner! I can't believe it!"

Trying to smooth things over, Mike responded, "Okay, okay, calm down. I'll clean the mess. It will only take me 10 minutes." (Note: He's problem solving while Claire is very upset instead of attuning to and validating her feelings).

Attunement and Validation Before Problem Solving

Claire responded, "That's not the point! You promised you'd stop doing this! Do you think it's fun for me to come home to a mess in the sink before I cook?"

Mike: "I said I would take care of it! Problem solved!"

As she walked away from Mike to go to their bedroom, she said: "You just don't get it! You don't care how I feel!"

While Mike was washing the dishes, he felt confused about why Claire was angry. 

He knew he shouldn't have left a mess in the sink, but he felt he offered a solution to the problem and she still wasn't happy.  He didn't know what else to do.

Unfortunately, Mike and Claire had many similar confrontations about other issues where Mike offered a solution and Claire remained upset. 

So, after a few more similar arguments, they decided to go to couples therapy.

Their couples therapist listened to them describe their dynamic and she realized why they were having problems: When Claire was upset and in her emotional brain, Mike responded by being in his rational brain and offered solutions instead of being emotionally attuned to Claire and validating her feelings.

At first, Mike didn't understand why Claire wasn't happy with having a solution, "Of course I care! I wouldn't be with you if I didn't love you and care about your feelings."

But, with practice in couples therapy, Mike learned not to go immediately into problem solving mode. 

Instead, he responded empathically: 

First, he acknowledged and validated Claire's feelings, "So, what I hear you saying is that you feel upset and frustrated that I keep doing the same thing over and over again. I can see why that would be upsetting and frustrating, especially since I promised to stop doing it. I need to be more aware so I don't keep making the same mistakes. I'm sorry."

When Claire heard Mike's words and she saw that he really understood her, he cared for her and he felt genuine remorse, she softened, "I feel seen and heard by you now. I can feel you care about me. Now we can talk about problem solving."

Mike had some lapses at first where he wanted to problem solve before he responded with attunement and validation, but after a while, he was able to change his way of responding.  

This change helped Mike and Claire to get closer.

Conclusion

If you tend to be someone who responds first with problem solving when your partner is upset and you can't understand why that makes your partner even more upset, the good news is that you can learn these relationship skills.

Attunement and Validation Before Problem Solving

Although it might be tempting to jump straight to problem solving in situations like this, starting with problem solving usually doesn't work. Instead, arguments escalate and become more frequent when you're not meeting your partner where they are emotionally.

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

Long-standing relational dynamics can be hard to change on your own.

If you and your partner have been unable to work out problems, you could benefit from getting help in couples therapy.

A skilled couples therapist can help you work through your issues so you can have a more fulfilling relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

How to Be Emotionally Supportive When Your Partner is Attending Trauma Therapy

People who are attending trauma therapy can benefit greatly from emotional validation and support from their partner (see my articles: What is Emotional Validation and Why Is It Such a Powerful Relationship Skill?, How to Develop Emotional Validation Skills and How to Become a Better Partner in Your Relationship).

How to Be Emotionally Supportive of Your Partner Who is in Trauma Therapy

How to Be Emotionally Supportive of Your Partner Who is in Trauma Therapy

Most people want to be emotionally supportive of a partner who is in trauma therapy. They have good intentions, but they might not know how to be supportive.  As a result, they end up unintentionally saying and doing things that can be harmful.

Tips on How to Be Emotionally Supportive When Your Partner is Attending Trauma Therapy:

• Keep an Open Mind: Recognize that you might not understand why your partner's experiences were traumatic. What is considered traumatic to one person might not be traumatic to another person.  Each person's experience is unique. So although you might not think your partner's experiences were traumatic, you also might not understand the psychological impact of these experiences.  Try to keep an open mind and see things from your partner's perspective.

• Show Empathy: Trauma therapy can be challenging. By showing your emotional support and empathy, you encourage your partner to continue to do the work in therapy to completion.  

How to Be Emotionally Supportive of Your Partner Who is in Therapy

• Be Patient and Don't Be Judgmental: Trauma therapy can bring up difficult emotions. If your partner is having a hard time, try to be patient and nonjudgmental.  In addition, trauma therapy is in-depth therapy that might take longer than you expect.  So, manage your expectations. 

• Remember: Progress Not Perfection: Progress in therapy isn't linear. Progress can mean two steps forward and one step backward.  Instead of a linear process, progress in therapy can be more like a spiral.  This is to be expected, especially in trauma therapy (see my article: Progress in Psychotherapy Isn't Linear).

• Validate Your Partner's Efforts in Therapy: While your partner is in trauma therapy, they could benefit from your emotional validation. So, rather than minimizing or dismissing your partner's efforts, validate and support them.

How to Be Emotionally Supportive of Your Partner Who is in Therapy

• Avoid Invalidating Your Partner With Toxic Positivity: Attending trauma therapy to takes courage. Your partner can be retraumatized if you invalidate their experiences because your invalidation might be a repetition of what they experienced in the original trauma. Toxic positivity includes invalidating statements that are minimizing and dismissive of another person's experience. Examples of invalidating statements include saying "Just get over it," or "It's in the past so why are you focusing on it now?" or "Be strong." Although traumatic experiences might have occurred in the past, their psychological impact usually lives on in the present.  In addition, recognize that when a partner engages in emotional invalidation, it often means they haven't dealt with their own trauma. If you're invalidating your partner with toxic positivity, it might be useful for you to step back and think about whether your partner's decision to attend trauma therapy has triggered something in you about your own unresolved experiences (see my article: How to Develop and Use Emotional Validation Skills in Your Relationship and Why Toxic Positivity is Harmful).

How to Be Emotionally Supportive of Your Partner Who is in Therapy

• Maintain Healthy Boundaries and Respect Your Partner's Privacy in Therapy: It can be tempting to ask your partner questions about the content of their therapy sessions, especially if you think your partner is talking about you. But it's important to respect your partner's privacy and maintain appropriate boundaries. If your partner gets into the habit of sharing the content of their therapy sessions with you, it can interfere with the therapy. This type of sharing on a regular basis, in effect, puts you in the therapy session in your partner's mind. As a result, they might unconsciously censor what they tell their therapist because it's as if you're in the therapy room with them.

• Don't Try to Compete With Your Partner's Therapist: It's not unusual to feel jealous of a partner's therapeutic relationship with their therapist. Your partner might be revealing personal information about their history that they haven't shared with you yet.  This might make you feel uncomfortable and competitive with your partner's therapist. Without even realizing it, you might say or do things that undermine your partner's therapy.  So be aware of this, and if you're tempted to do it, don't give in to that urge.

• Avoid Being Critical of Your Partner Attending Therapy When You and Your Partner Are Arguing: People often say things they don't mean during an argument. During a heated argument, don't throw your partner's therapy in their face. Using your partner's therapy as a weapon to shame them and make them feel guilty will backfire because it would be hurtful to your partner and to your relationship. 

• Find Ways to Be Helpful While Your Partner is in Therapy: Although trauma therapy offers an opportunity to get free from a traumatic past, it can also be intense at times. Try to find ways to be helpful to your partner by asking if there is anything you can do to make their life easier. 

Conclusion:

You have an important role in your partner's life and overall well-being. 

Being emotionally supportive of your partner, who is attending trauma therapy, can make all the difference for your partner and your relationship. It can also bring you closer together.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing, Sex Therapist and Trauma Therapist (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?

I work with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many clients to overcome unresolved trauma.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Understanding Why Toxic Positivity is Harmful to Yourself and Your Loved Ones

I began a discussion in my last article, What is Toxic Positivity? by defining toxic positivity and giving examples of it. 

As a recap from my last article: Toxic positivity rejects difficult emotions (anger, sadness, shame, resentment, jealousy, envy and so on) with an attitude of "good vibes only."  

In other words, instead of dealing with actual emotions, toxic positivity only allows positive emotions at the expense of true emotions.

The Harmful Effects of Toxic Positivity

Why is Toxic Positivity Harmful?

Toxic positivity is harmful because it invalidates a person's real experiences.  Instead of being able to share what's really going on emotionally and getting emotional support, a person who is confronted with toxic positivity has their feelings dismissed, ignored or invalidated.

In addition, toxic positivity is:  

• Shaming: When someone discloses difficult emotions and they are met with toxic positivity, they usually experience their emotions as shameful. The message they get is that their feelings are unacceptable.  Instead of feeling cared for and emotionally validated, they are met with judgment which is presented to them as if it's helpful, but it's not.  

• Guilt-inducing: Aside from feeling ashamed, someone who reveals challenging emotions and is met with toxic positivity can feel guilty for feeling the way they do.

The Harmful Effects of Toxic Positivity

• Emotionally Avoidant: Toxic positivity is used to avoid uncomfortable feelings.  This often occurs because people have their own problems with challenging emotions and they can only tolerate "good vibes."

• An Impediment to Psychological Growth and Insight: Instead of dealing with challenging emotions, a person who uses toxic positivity doesn't grow psychologically. They also don't develop insight into their problems because they are avoiding them.

Clinical Vignette:

The following clinical vignette, which is a composite of many cases, reveals the harmful effects of toxic positivity and how therapy can help:

Nina

When Nina confided in her older sister, Jane, that she was sad about her breakup with Joe, she was seeking emotional support from Jane.  But Jane brushed off Nina's sadness by telling her, "I don't understand why you're sad. You're so much better off without him. You both want different things.  Just move on and get back out there to meet someone new."

Nina knew that ending her five year relationship with Joe was for the best.  She and Joe each had a very different vision of what they wanted in life, which was something Nina had ignored throughout their five years together.  

But when he told her that he knew he didn't want to have children and his long term plan was to move back to his small hometown in the Midwest, Nina knew for sure it wasn't going to work out between them, and she ended it.

Even though she knew she made the right decision, she also knew this was a significant loss for her.  At 28, she had only ever been in one serious relationship, which was her relationship with Joe.  And even though she knew that, unlike Joe, she wanted children and she wanted to stay in New York City, she still missed him.

After she spoke with her sister, Nina wondered if she was wrong to feel sad about her recent breakup.  She felt ashamed and guilty for feeling sad.  But no matter how hard she tried, she couldn't to brush aside her feelings.

Whens she spoke to her best friend, Carol, Carol told Nina that her emotions didn't seem unusual, "Of course, you feel sad. Joe was a big part of your life."  Then, she suggested that Nina seek help in therapy to deal with her feelings.

Her therapist validated Nina's feelings and told her that she was having a common response to a breakup.  Then she provided Nina with psychoeducation about toxic positivity.

The Harmful Effects of Toxic Positivity

As Nina thought about it, she realized that everyone in her family--her mother, father, and older sister often responded in this invalidating way when she felt sad, angry or frustrated.

Each family member had their own way of being emotionally invalidating.  Her mother usually interrupted Nina whenever Nina was trying to get emotional support from her by saying in a cheerful tone, "It will all look better in the morning."  This left Nina feeling alone and unsupported.

Her father usually responded to Nina by telling her, "Instead of focusing on what you don't have, focus on being grateful for what you do have," which made Nina feel guilty and ashamed for being concerned about her problems.

Over time, Nina worked in therapy to grieve the loss of her relationship. She felt emotionally supported and validated by her therapist.

She also learned to accept her emotions instead of second guessing herself.  She realized her family responded to her the way they did because they had their own problems with challenging emotions.  She came to understand that when she brought up her difficult emotions, they felt defensive and relied on toxic positivity to avoid their own unpleasant feelings.

Eventually, after Nina grieved the end of her relationship, she was able to begin dating again.  

She also grieved in therapy for the emotional validation she didn't receive growing up.  This was part of her trauma therapy.

In time, she no longer felt ashamed or guilty for feeling sad and she learned to accept all of her emotions--not just the pleasant ones.

How to Avoid Toxic Positivity

• Accept All of Your Emotions: Accepting your emotions doesn't mean you like the discomfort you are experiencing.  It just means that, instead of denying your feelings, you acknowledge them without judgment or self criticism.  

• Cultivate Self Compassion: In the same way you would be compassionate towards a loved one who was suffering, develop compassion for yourself. 

• Know That It's Okay to Have Difficult Emotions: Know that you're having a common experience when you feel sad, angry, disappointed, frustrated or experience other challenging emotions. Having these emotions doesn't make you less than anyone else. It just makes you human.

• Be Assertive in Challenging People Who Are Toxically Positive With You: If someone is invalidating your emotions, you can set a boundary with them in a tactful way. You don't have to listen to advice that includes toxic positivity.  By being assertive, you will be asserting your right to have your own emotional experiences without judgment, shame or guilt.

Conclusion

Toxic positivity is a mindset which states that people should remain positive regardless of what is going on for them.  It invalidates people's genuine emotions with superficial platitudes and pressures them to do things like "always look on the bright side" when that's not what they're feeling.

People who engage in toxic positivity might have good intentions, but their platitudes leave loved ones who are struggling emotionally feeling alone, emotionally invalidated, dismissed, ignored, shamed or guilty.

People who use toxic positivity are often unable to tolerate their own uncomfortable emotions, and they impose their discomfort on others under the guise of "being positive."  

You can learn to be self compassionate by accepting your emotions and practicing self validation (see my article: What is Self Validation?).

When to Get Help in Therapy

Growing up with toxic positivity is traumatic.  You internalize these toxic messages at a deep level.  Often this results in self doubt about your emotional experiences, which leaves you feeling guilty, ashamed and unworthy.

If you have been traumatized by toxic positivity since childhood, you could benefit from working with a trauma therapist (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

In trauma therapy, you can learn to let go of the emotionally invalidating messages internalized so that you can accept your emotions, validate yourself and learn to be self compassionate.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a trauma therapist who works with individual adults and couples. 

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

What is Toxic Positivity?

While there are many benefits to positive thinking, including stress relief and increased resilience, toxic positivity is harmful.   

Toxic positivity rejects difficult emotions with an attitude of "good vibes" only.  It aims to present a facade of inauthentic cheerfulness. 

Rather than allowing yourself or others to acknowledge difficult emotions, you invalidate these experiences with toxic positivity (see my articles: What is Emotional Validation? and What is Self Validation?).

What is Toxic Positivity?

Toxic positivity only allows for positive emotions at the expense of your true emotions.  Over time, when you engage in toxic positivity, instead of being genuine, you create a false self (see my article:  What is a False Self?).

Signs of Toxic Positivity

• Minimizing or dismissing your own experiences or the experiences of others
• Denying genuine emotions such as sadness, anger, grief, feelings of loss or helplessness or other challenging emotions
• Shaming yourself or others for having difficult emotions
• Wanting to feel only "good vibes" all the time
• Feeling guilty for feeling difficult emotions
• Being intolerant of difficult emotions
• Feeling the need to be constantly busy in order to push down difficult emotions (see my article: Are You "Keeping Busy" to Avoid Painful Emotions?)

And so on.

Examples of Toxic Positivity

Toxic positivity can take many forms.  The following examples are just a few of the things that people say to themselves or to others, which are often meant to be helpful but which minimize, dismiss and invalidate genuine emotions:

• Death of a Loved One: Going through grief after the death of a loved one is a normal experience (see my article: Allowing Room For Grief).
• Invalidating statements include:
• "You shouldn't feel sad." 
• "She's in a better place."
• "He wouldn't have wanted you to be so sad."
• "It's been six months. Why are you still so sad?"

• Breakup of a Relationship: Ending a relationship, even one that was unhealthy, is a loss and it's important to acknowledge and work through that loss (see my article: 7 Reasons You Might Be Struggling With a Breakup).
• Invalidating statements include:
• "You're better off without him."
• "Why are you so sad when you were the one who broke up with her?"
• "Just get back out there and find someone else."
• "The best way to get over someone is to get under someone else."

• Loss of a Job: The loss of a job, even a difficult job, is still a loss (see my article: Job Loss and Loss of Identity).
• Invalidating statements include:
• "Look at the bright side. Now you don't have to deal with your difficult boss."
• "Cheer up. It's not the end of the world."
• "It's only a job. No one died."
• "It's not as bad as it seems."
• "Look for the silver lining. Now you have more time to relax."

• A Serious Medical Diagnosis: Getting news about a serious medical diagnosis can be frightening (see my article: Serious Medical Problems Can Change the Way You Feel About Yourself).
• Invalidating statements include:
• "Stop complaining. Other people have it much worse than you."
• "Stop worrying. Just be positive."
• "Don't make a mountain out of a mole hill."
• "Stop being so negative."
• "It will all be okay."

• Coping With a Traumatic Experience: Reactions to trauma are unique for each person. What might not be traumatic for one person--even someone from the same family--might be traumatic for another (see my article: When Your Traumatic Past Lives on in the Present).
• Invalidating statements include:
• "You think that's traumatic? When I was a kid, I had it much worse."
• "It's all in your head."
• "Stop being so negative."
• "I thought you were stronger than that."

Next Article:

In my next article, I'll discuss the harmful effects of toxic positivity and how to avoid them: Why is Toxic Positivity Harmful?.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapy).

I work with individual adults and couples (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.