Intent Versus Impact: Understanding the Difference Between What You Meant and How Your Partner Actually Experienced It

This article was revised on September 15, 2026.

The gap between intent versus impact is one of the most common triggers for relationship conflict.

In couples therapy, intent is defined as your internal motivation or the meaning behind your actions, which remains completely invisible to your partner. Conversely, impact is the emotional reality of how your actions actually land on your partner, heavily shaped by their unique perspective, emotional history, and attachment needs. While you naturally judge yourself by your internal motivations, your partner can only judge you by your external words and behavior.

What is the Difference Between Intent and Impact?

To stop the cycle of relationship misunderstandings, it helps to break down these two critical concepts:

• Your Intent: The internal purpose behind what you say or do.
• The Impact: The emotional reaction and experience your partner actually has.

Intent vs Impact: A Communication Gap

Common Examples of Gaps Between Intent and Impact

• Your Intent (Internal): Offering solutions to help your partner solve a stressful work problem 
• Impact on Your Partner (External): Feeling dismissed, criticized or unheard when they just wanted emotional empathy (see my article: Improving Communication in Your Relationship: Does Your Partner Need to Be Helped, Heard or Hugged?).

• Your Intent (Internal): Gently teasing them about a quirky habit to spark playful connection
• Impact on Your Partner (External): Feeling mocked, torn down or insecure about their flaws

• Your Intent (Internal): Looking at your phone to gently decompress after a long stressful day
• Impact on Your Partner (External): Feeling ignored, rejected or lonely during a moment they wanted to connect with you and share

• Your Intent (Internal): Staying late at the office to make a work deadline and provide your relationship with financial stability
• Impact on Your Partner (External): Feeling deprioritized and abandoned during dinner

Why Does Prioritizing Intent Over Impact Cause Ruptures?

When a partner says, "You hurt my feelings", the usual defensive reaction is usually, "That's not what I meant!" or "You're taking it the wrong way!"

This approach actively damages the relationship because defending your intent invalidates their impact (see my article: What is Emotional Validation and Why Is It Such An Important Relationship Skill?).

To your partner, it sounds like an excuse that ignores and rewrites their emotional reality. 

When you prioritize your intention over their emotional pain, you communicate that being "right" is more important than their emotional safety.

How to Successfully Bridge the Gap Between Intent and Impact

To resolve the conflict, you must separate the clumsiness of the action from the goodness of the intent or motive:

• Acknowledge and Validate the Impact First: Before you tell your partner what you meant, acknowledge their emotional wound. Use statements like, "I can see that my comment really hurt you and I'm sorry for causing you to feel that way."

• Separate Intent From Impact: Once your partner feels emotionally safe and heard, gently introduce your original motivation without using it as an excuse, "My goal was to help fix the problem, but I see how that felt dismissive instead of supportive."

• Stay Curious and Not Defensive: Ask your partner open-ended questions like, "Can you tell me more about how that made you feel like that so I don't do it again in the future?"

• Adjust Future Behavior: True relational repair requires adapting your actions to match your intention. If your intent is love, your impact must eventually reflect love.

Get Help in Couples Therapy

Problems between intent and impact are common for many couples.

If the two of you have been unable to work out these issues on your own, you could benefit from working with a couples therapist who uses Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) For Couples).

Working with a skilled couples therapist can help you to learn new skills and develop a more fulfilling relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, and advanced practitioner specializing in IFS Parts Work, Somatic Experiencing, AEDP, EMDR, EFT Couples Therapy and Sex Therapy.

I provide depth-oriented, experiential therapy to help individual adults and couples move past internal blockages into authentic relational alignment.

To learn more about my clinical background, clinical philosophy, and healing approach, please visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

• Office Location: I see clients in-person at my Greenwich Village office (New York, NY 10011) as well as throughout New York State via secure telehealth.
• Initial Contact: I provide a complimentary 15-minute introductory phone call prior to scheduling an initial appointment.
• Contact Information: You can reach me directly at (917) 742-2624 during standard business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles:

What Are the 4 Warning Signs Your Relationship Might Be in Trouble? 

Coping With Relationship Stress 

Getting Your Emotional Needs Met in Your Relationship

How to Navigate the 5 Relationship Stages

How to Develop Emotional Depth in Your Relationship

As a psychotherapist who works with individual adults and couples, a common complaint I hear from clients is that they feel their relationship lacks emotional depth.  This leaves both partners feeling lonely.

Developing Emotional Depth in Your Relationship

How to Develop Emotional Depth in Your Relationship

Emotional depth can be learned and developed over time. While some people are naturally wired with higher neurological sensitivity, emotional depth is a capacity that can develop when you consciously choose to unlearn emotional detachment and practice expanding your inner world.

What is Emotional Depth?

Emotional depth includes: 

• The capacity to be profoundly affected by life experiences
• The ability to hold space for nuance
• The ability to sit with emotional discomfort without trying to avoid it

Why Do Some People Lack Emotional Depth?

A lack of emotional depth is usually a learned survival mechanism which involves suppressing depth due to:

• Childhood Conditioning: Being raised by emotionally distant role models or being taught that emotional vulnerability is a "weakness"

• Protective Detachment: Numbing emotions or using constant busyness, humor and escapism to avoid processing painful emotions

• Fear of Complexity: Choosing superficial interactions because stepping into deeper emotional waters feels unpredictable or overwhelming

How to Develop Emotional Depth

If you want to develop emotional depth, you can retrain yourself through deliberate habits including:

Shifting From Fact-Sharing to Emotional Labeling

Many couples mistake daily logistics ("How was your day?" or "Did you pay that bill?") for meaningful communication, but depth requires moving down into your internal emotional experience:

• Expanding Your Emotional Vocabulary: Stop describing your state as just "fine", "good" or "bad". Use tools like the Wheel of Emotion to identify the precise layers of what you are experiencing (e.g., distinguishing anger from underlying grief or rejection).  Learning to name emotions builds a bridge between your logical brain and your inner world.

• Practicing Staying With Discomfort: When difficult emotions arise, your instinct might be to distract yourself, self-medicate or find a quick fix solution. Instead of trying to move away from difficult emotions, pause, take a deep breath and observe the physical sensations in your body. Whether your emotions are pleasant or unpleasant, you will probably discover that emotions are often like waves--they rise, peak and then subside (see my article: The Life Cycle of Emotions).

• Increasing Emotional Vulnerability Incrementally: Share minor internal fears, insecurities or meaningful childhood memories. This takes time to develop. So, recognize that you don't have to share your heaviest secrets overnight. Start by trying to be a little more emotionally open with your partner.

Practicing Active Attunement

Attunement means leaning in and emotionally connecting with your partner when your they reach out. This ensures that they feel safe, seen and validated:

• Listening to Understand--Not to Fix: When your partner vents, suppress the urge you might feel to offer immediate solutions. Focus entirely on their emotional experience.

Developing Emotional Depth in Your Relationship

• Mirroring and Validating: Use phrases like, "It sounds like you felt really let down and that makes sense because you worked so hard." Validating their feelings ensure they don't feel emotionally stranded and alone (see my article: What is Emotional Validation and Why Is It So Important in Relationships?).

• Asking Open-Ended Discovery Questions: Replace generic questions with deep, curiosity-driven questions ("What is a major dream you are currently feeling scared about?" or "What did your childhood teach you about handling your anger?").

Establishing Rituals of Connection

Rituals of connection anchor a relationship, ensuring that building depth is a priority even during stressful and hectic times in life:

• Daily Emotional Communication: Set aside 15-20 minutes every evening where you turn off all electronics to check in with each other's internal worlds.

Developing Emotional Depth in Your Relationship

• Non-Sexual Physical Affection: Prioritize long hugs, holding hands or cuddling on the couch. Regular non-sexual touch releases oxytocin, which naturally lowers defenses and deepens your emotional bond.

• Share Novel Experiences: Step out of your comfort zones together by learning a new skill, volunteering or exploring an unfamiliar place. Facing the slight vulnerability of a new environment together forces you to rely on each other and connect with each other.

Leaning Into Constructive Conflict

Contrary to what most people think, couples who rarely or never fight often lack emotional depth because they are actively avoiding uncomfortable truths. Working through disagreements with care is a powerful way to accelerate emotional intimacy:

• Share the "Anger Iceberg": Anger is often a secondary emotion. Look beneath the irritation to discover the primary emotion, a more vulnerable emotion driving the anger--such as hurt, fear or loneliness.  Instead of focusing on your anger, communicate the deeper emotions underneath the anger (see my article: Anger as a Secondary Emotion).

Developing Emotional Depth in Your Relationship

• Use "I" Statements: Frame disagreements around your personal feelings rather than pointing fingers at your partner.  Say, "I feel disconnected from you when we don't spend time together" instead of "You always ignore me."

Get Help in Couples Therapy

If you and your partner are having difficulty trying to develop emotional depth in your relationship, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional who is an experienced couples therapist. 

Get Help in Couples Therapy

Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) For Couples is especially helpful in bringing couples together and helping them to build the necessary skills over time so they can experience emotional vulnerability and depth (see my article: What is Emotionally Focuse Therapy (EFT)?).

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help in EFT couples therapy so you can have a more fulfilling relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have helped many individual adults and couples over the years.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me,

Also See My Articles:

How to Cope With Being Triggered in Your Relationship 

Getting Your Emotional Needs Met in Your Relationship 

What Do Couples Talk About in Couples Therapy? 

Relationships: What's the Difference Between Trying to "Fix" Your Partner and Being Emotionally Supportive?

When your partner is distressed, anxious or depressed, it's natural for you to want to be emotionally supportive. But some people confuse being emotionally supportive with trying to "fix" their partner's problems, so it's important to understand the difference.

"Fixing" vs Being Emotionally Supportive

What's the Difference Between Trying to "Fix" Your Partner's Problems and Being Emotionally Supportive?

The main difference between trying to "fix" a problem and being emotionally supportive has to do with the intent and focus of what you do.

Trying to "Fix" the Problem:

Trying to "fix" your partner's problems involves:

• Your Approach: You treat your partner's problems like a puzzle to be solved.

• Your Goal: To eliminate the source of your partner's pain as quickly as possible. This might mean that you have a problem tolerating your partner's emotional distress, so you want it their distress to disappear as soon as possible. If this is the case, your own psychological work to do about this.

• Your Behavior: Giving your partner unsolicited advise, suggesting specific actions or taking on the problem yourself leads to your overfunctioning for your partner instead of allowing them to handle it with your emotional support (see my article: Are You Overfunctioning in Your Relationship?).

• Potential Problems: Your actions can signal to your partner that you think they are incapable of handling their problem. This can lead to your partner feeling belittled, frustrated, angry and resentful--even though you have good intentions. It can also set up a parent-child dynamic which usually has a detrimental impact on a relationship.

Being Emotionally Supportive:

• Your Approach: You prioritize "feeling with" your partner as opposed to "doing it for them".

• Your Goal: You create a safe space where your partner can feel seen, heard and understood (see my article: Creating a Safe Haven For Each Other).

• Your Behavior: Your behavior includes active listening, validating their feelings and offering comfort, like a hug if that's what your partner wants (see my article: Ask Your Partner If They Need to Be Helped, Heard or Hugged).

• Potential Benefits: Being emotionally supportive helps to create emotional intimacy between you and your partner. It can also build your partner's confidence that they have the capacity to solve their problems.

Clinical Vignettes

An Example of Trying to "Fix" the Problem

Emma and Bill:

Emma's husband, Bill, had a serious drinking problem. Although he promised he would stop drinking many times, he would stop for a day or two, but when he felt anxious, he would drink excessively again. Emma was very concerned about Bill's drinking and she wanted to help him, so she would throw out bottles of alcohol and make excuses to his boss when he was too hungover to go to work. 

Trying to "Fix" the Problem

After Bill was arrested twice for driving while intoxicated (DWI), he was court mandated to attend alcohol treatment. As part of the program, spouses attended groups to become educated about alcohol abuse and to learn how to be supportive without being codependent.  Through these groups, Emma learned that what she perceived as being helpful was actually detrimental to Bill's sobriety and she learned to focus on herself. Over time, Bill learned to lead a sober life one day at a time (see my article: What's the Difference Between Codependency and Interdependency?).

An Example of Being Emotionally Supportive

Jack and Dan:

Jack's husband, Dan, suffered with anxiety since he was a child. Whenever Jack sensed that Dan's anxiety was especially high, he would prioritize spending time with him to actively listen to and validate Dan's concerns. Dan felt safe talking to Jack because Jack was emotionally supportive and not critical or judgmental. Dan also knew that Jack wasn't trying to "fix" him. Instead, Jack was empathetic and he had a lot of patience with Dan. Eventually, he suggested that Dan seek help in therapy. 

Being Emotionally Supportive

At first, Dan didn't follow through, but Jack never tried to pressure Dan or get angry with Dan that he wasn't following through with seeking help. Then, one day Dan had a panic attack on the subway while he was going to work. At first, he didn't know what was happening to him, but once the panic attack subsided, he realized his anxiety was getting worse. Somewhat reluctantly, Dan sought help in therapy to deal with his anxiety. A few weeks into his therapy, Dan was relieved that he sought help because he was learning new tools and strategies to deal with his anxiety. And, eventually, his therapist helped Dan to deal with his unresolved trauma that contributed to his anxiety by using a combination of Parts Work and EMDR therapy (see my article: Trauma Therapy: Combining Parts Work and EMDR Therapy).

Conclusion

Although you might have the best intentions and your inclination might be to try to solve your partner's problems, in the long run, you could be doing more harm than good.

Being emotionally supportive by being attuned, empathetic and validating your partner's feelings will be more helpful to your partner and your emotional support can strengthen the bonds between you.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have over 25 years of experience helping individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Relationships: Why is It So Hard to Validate Your Partner's Vulnerability?

As a psychotherapist in New York City who works with individual adults and couples, I see many relationships who have problems with emotional validation.

Problems With Validating Your Partner's Vulnerability

In a prior article, Validation as a Pathway to Greater Emotional and Sexual Intimacy, I discussed the importance of vulnerability in developing emotional and sexual intimacy in your relationship.

In the current article I'm focusing on why it can be difficult to validate a partner's emotional vulnerability.

Why Is Validating a Partner's Vulnerability Difficult?

People often struggle to validate their partner's vulnerability for many reasons including:

• Misunderstanding validation: Believing it means agreeing or admitting fault--rather than acknowledging their partner's emotional reality.

• Fear and defensiveness: Vulnerability can trigger personal fears (fear of rejection or fear of inadequacy), making a partner defensive and punishing their partner for being vulnerable.

Problems With Validating Your Partner's Vulnerability

• Lack of Skills: Not knowing how to validate, struggling with emotional intelligence or an inability to handle intense emotions.

• Past Experiences of Being Hurt: Prior experiences of being hurt when vulnerability was met with rejection or criticism can create barriers.

• Societal Norms: Pressure to be stoic, especially for men, can hinder emotional sharing.

• Differing Perspectives: Difficulty accepting a partner's perspective due to a differing perspective.

• Emotional Disconnection: Being disconnected from their own own painful feelings. This can drive invalidating behavior towards their partner.

What Does Invalidating Behavior Look Like in Relationships?

The following are some examples of invalidating behavior:

• Dismissing a partner's feelings as "irrational" or "ridiculous".

• Turning away from a partner.

Problems With Validating Your Partner's Vulnerability

• Rolling their eyes, which is a form of contempt (see my article: Improving Communication By Avoiding the 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse).

• Changing the subject

• Focusing only on their own feelings about the topic

Conclusion

Validation isn't agreement.

Validation is about creating a safe haven for your partner's emotional experience.

Validating your partner requires a conscious effort, but the good news is that validation is a skill that can be learned (see my article: How to Validate Your Partner's Emotional Vulnerability).

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

If you and your partner have been struggling with problems in your relationship, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional who specializes in working with couples.

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

A skilled couples therapist can help you to develop the skills and tools you need to have a more fulfilling relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Improving Your Relationship By Practicing Teamwork

Practicing teamwork in your relationship is essential to developing and maintaining relationships (see my article: Relationships: Are You Pulling Together or Pulling Apart?).

Improving Your Relationship By Practicing Teamwork

To practice teamwork, it's important for both you and your partner to feel you have each other's backs and you will tackle whatever issues come up together.

Focusing on being a team means you each give up some control and the need to be right all the time. It also means that you learn to compromise.

How to Practice Teamwork to Improve Your Relationship

The following dynamics are important to working together as a team in your relationship:

• A Willingness to Start By Looking at How You Might Be Contributing to Problems in the Relationship: Before you can become a team, you need to be aware of dynamics in your relationship that are not working. Instead of pointing your finger at your partner, focus on yourself first and think about how you might be able to change to improve your relationship. This means letting go of keeping score of your partner's mistakes and making a commitment to make changes in your attitude and behavior.

Improving Your Relationship By Practicing Teamwork

• Trusting You Have Each Other's Backs and You're Willing to Compromise: You are two different people so, naturally, you're not going to feel the same way about everything, but when it comes to resolving problems, you can agree to work as a team to come up with a compromise. You're not focused on getting your way. Instead your focus is on coming up with the best possible compromise that you both can live with.  This means you might not get everything you want, but your focus is on strengthening your relationship. If there are current trust issues, you're willing to work on these issues to strengthen your relationship (see my article: How to Build Trust and Connection in Your Relationship).

Improving Your Relationship By Practicing Teamwork

• Coming Together to Focus on the Problem Instead of Blaming Each Other: When you approach problems as a team, you avoid blaming each other for the problems and, instead, you focus on the problems together. It means you and your partner approach difficult situations together to come up with potential solutions or compromises. This might include:

• Money issues (see my article: Arguing About Money)

• Family problems (see my article: What to Do If Your Partner and Your Parents Don't Get Along)

• Career changes
  

• Stress (see my article: Recognizing Signs That You Are Under Too Much Stress

• Emotional pressures

• Other issues

• Communicating in An Open, Honest and Respectful Manner: This includes: 

• Active listening to your partner's perspective--even if it's different from your own

• Taking turns speaking without interrupting, judging or criticizing each other

Improving Your Relationship By Practicing Teamwork

• Being clear about your own hopes and dreams for the relationship--even if it's different from your partner's hopes and dreams

• Emotionally validating each other's feelings--even if you disagree with your partner's perspective (see my article: How to Use Emotional Validation in Your Relationship)

• Establishing Common Goals (see my article: 10 Relationshp Goals That Can Make Your Relationship Stronger)

• Developing Clear Expectations: Once you have established common goals for the relationship, you need to discuss how you will accomplish these goals and get clear about each other's expectations with regard to each of your roles and responsibilities to avoid confusion and resentment.

• Celebrating Your Successes: When you have successfully taken a step towards accomplishing your goals, recognize and celebrate this success together.

Improving Your Relationship By Practicing Teamwork

• Providing Emotional Support to Each Other: Practicing teamwork includes being each other's source of emotional support. You are each other's "rock" in good and challenging times (see my article: What Do You Need to Feel Closer to Your Partner?).

• Expressing Your Appreciation For Each Other: It's easy to take each other for granted especially if you have been together for a while. Take the time to express your appreciation to each other so you each feel valued and loved (see my article: The Importance of Expressing Gratitude To Your Partner).

• Making Time For Each Other: Scheduling quality time to spend together to have fun. This includes time for emotional and sexual intimacy (see my article: Try a Little Playfulness).

• Repairing Ruptures Between the Two of You Sooner Rather Than Later: When arguments or conflicts arise and you know you made a mistake or hurt your partner, be willing to apologize to repair the rupture between the two of you as quickly as possible. Certain ruptures might take a while to repair, but the sooner you address them, the more likely you will be to repair whatever hurt or angry feelings there might be without the growing resentment that often develops over time (see my articles: How to Deal With Resentment in Your Relationship and Stages of Forgiveness).

• Get Help in Couples Therapy: If you are unable to come together as a team, you could benefit from getting help in couples therapy to work on these issues. A skilled couples therapist can help you so you can have a more fulfilling relationship (see my article: What is Emotionally Focused Therapy For Couples?).

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I have over 20 years of experience working with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles:

What Do Couples Talk About in Couples Therapy?

Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy

What Are Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?

 

Relationships: Respond to Your Partner with Emotional Attunement and Validation Before You Try to Solve the Problem

There's a relationship dynamic I often see in my psychotherapy office when I'm working with couples: 

One partner talks about their emotional pain and the other partner responds by trying to "fix" the problem which makes the first partner even more upset (see my article: What is Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT)?).

Attunement and Validation Before Problem Solving

You might say, "What's wrong with problem solving?"

What's wrong is that when your partner is upset, they need to feel you are emotionally attuned and validating their feelings (even if you don't agree with their view of the problem) before you offer a solution (see my article: How to Develop and Use Emotional Validation Skills in Your Relationship?).

When your partner is upset, they are in their emotional brain. 

When you jump ahead to problem solving, you are in the rational part of the brain. 

So, if they're in their emotional brain and you're in your rational brain, there is a misalignment between you.

You need to start where they are and, after you both calm down, you can problem solve together if that's what the problem requires.

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette, which is a composite of many cases, illustrates why emotional attunement and validation is so important as a first step and how these skills can be learned in couples therapy:

Claire and Mike

When Claire came home from a very stressful day at work, she felt frustrated and angry when she discovered that Mike left a mess in the sink after he made lunch for himself.

Claire was already tired from a long day at work and she just wanted to make dinner so she could relax afterwards. But, instead, she encountered the mess in the sink.  

To make matters worse, this was part of an ongoing argument between them. Just a few days before, Mike promised, once again, he wouldn't leave dishes in the sink anymore. 

Claire was too tired to deal the mess, so she ordered a pizza for dinner, threw herself on the couch and waited for the delivery

Mike arrived home a few minutes after the pizza arrived. 

Initially, he was in his usual cheerful mood. Then, he saw the pizza box in the kitchen and he said, "Ugh....pizza for dinner?"

Hearing Mike complain set Claire off, "You did it again--after you promised you wouldn't leave a mess in the sink! Now you're complaining because we're having pizza for dinner! I can't believe it!"

Trying to smooth things over, Mike responded, "Okay, okay, calm down. I'll clean the mess. It will only take me 10 minutes." (Note: He's problem solving while Claire is very upset instead of attuning to and validating her feelings).

Attunement and Validation Before Problem Solving

Claire responded, "That's not the point! You promised you'd stop doing this! Do you think it's fun for me to come home to a mess in the sink before I cook?"

Mike: "I said I would take care of it! Problem solved!"

As she walked away from Mike to go to their bedroom, she said: "You just don't get it! You don't care how I feel!"

While Mike was washing the dishes, he felt confused about why Claire was angry. 

He knew he shouldn't have left a mess in the sink, but he felt he offered a solution to the problem and she still wasn't happy.  He didn't know what else to do.

Unfortunately, Mike and Claire had many similar confrontations about other issues where Mike offered a solution and Claire remained upset. 

So, after a few more similar arguments, they decided to go to couples therapy.

Their couples therapist listened to them describe their dynamic and she realized why they were having problems: When Claire was upset and in her emotional brain, Mike responded by being in his rational brain and offered solutions instead of being emotionally attuned to Claire and validating her feelings.

At first, Mike didn't understand why Claire wasn't happy with having a solution, "Of course I care! I wouldn't be with you if I didn't love you and care about your feelings."

But, with practice in couples therapy, Mike learned not to go immediately into problem solving mode. 

Instead, he responded empathically: 

First, he acknowledged and validated Claire's feelings, "So, what I hear you saying is that you feel upset and frustrated that I keep doing the same thing over and over again. I can see why that would be upsetting and frustrating, especially since I promised to stop doing it. I need to be more aware so I don't keep making the same mistakes. I'm sorry."

When Claire heard Mike's words and she saw that he really understood her, he cared for her and he felt genuine remorse, she softened, "I feel seen and heard by you now. I can feel you care about me. Now we can talk about problem solving."

Mike had some lapses at first where he wanted to problem solve before he responded with attunement and validation, but after a while, he was able to change his way of responding.  

This change helped Mike and Claire to get closer.

Conclusion

If you tend to be someone who responds first with problem solving when your partner is upset and you can't understand why that makes your partner even more upset, the good news is that you can learn these relationship skills.

Attunement and Validation Before Problem Solving

Although it might be tempting to jump straight to problem solving in situations like this, starting with problem solving usually doesn't work. Instead, arguments escalate and become more frequent when you're not meeting your partner where they are emotionally.

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

Long-standing relational dynamics can be hard to change on your own.

If you and your partner have been unable to work out problems, you could benefit from getting help in couples therapy.

A skilled couples therapist can help you work through your issues so you can have a more fulfilling relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.