Relationships: How to Respond in a Supportive Way to Your Partner's Emotional Vulnerability

Many people in relationships don't know how to respond to their partner's emotional vulnerability. This is significant because vulnerability is a pathway to emotional and sexual intimacy.

Responding to Your Partner's Emotional Vulnerability

Why Do People Have Problems Responding to Their Partner's Emotional Vulnerability?

People who have problems responding in a supportive way to their partner's vulnerability might have some or all of the following problems:

• Deep-seated Fears of Their Own Vulnerability: A partner's emotional vulnerability can trigger underlying fears, insecurities and painful memories. Instead of being supportive, these individuals might react to their partner's vulnerability with indifferences, scorn, criticism, disgust or indifference in order to protect themselves from their own feelings of vulnerability.

• An Insecure Attachment Style: A person's attachment style, which is formed in early childhood, can influence their ability to respond in a supportive way (see my article: How Your Attachment Style Affects Your Relationship):

• Avoidant Partners: These partners might pull away from a partner showing vulnerability. They might also feel overwhelmed when their partner expresses deep emotions because they equate intimacy with a loss of independence.

• Anxious Partners: These partners might focus on their own fear of abandonment which makes it difficult for them to respond empathetically to their partner's vulnerability.

• Negative Patterns of Behavior Learned From Past Experiences: Past experiences include early childhood. For instance, if someone was told by their parent that they were "acting like a baby" when they cry, when they become adults, they are more likely to react negatively to their partner's vulnerability. 

Responding to Your Partner's Emotional Vulnerability

• Fear of Intimacy: Even though a partner might crave closeness, their fear of intimacy can cause them to resist getting close to their partner. They might equate vulnerability with "weakness", risk of emotional pain or risk of future betrayal (see my article: The Connection Between Fear of Intimacy and Unresolved Trauma).

• Unresolved Trauma: Partners who have unresolved trauma, including childhood abuse or neglect, can find it difficult to let their guard down to be supportive of their partner.

• Low Self Esteem: A partner who has low self esteem might not feel worthy of their partner's affection. They might interpret their partner's vulnerability as criticism or a setup for an eventual rejection.

• Lack of Emotional Intelligence: A person who lacks emotional intelligence often lacks self awareness so that they might not recognize or understand their own feelings. If they don't recognize their own feelings, they probably won't understand or empathize with their partner's feelings (see my article: Why is Emotional Intelligence (EQ) Important in Your Relationship?).

What Are the Negative Dynamics in a Relationship When a Partner Can't Deal With Emotional Vulnerability?

When an individual has problems dealing with their partner's emotional vulnerability, this can set up a negative cycle where vulnerability is punished: 

• Past Punishment of Vulnerability: When a partner's past experiences of showing vulnerability were met with indifference, hostility or criticism, they might become hesitant to open up emotionally again. This often creates a negative cycle of emotional disconnection.

Responding to Your Partner's Emotional Vulnerability

• Ineffective Communication Patterns: Many couples lack the necessary communication skills and tools to communicate effectively.  For example, if one partner says to the other, "I'm afraid you don't love me anymore", the second partner might become defensive and angry and respond, "Well, it's your own fault. You're always too tired to go out and have fun."

• Defensive Reactions: When a partner shows vulnerability, instead of being supportive, the partner who fears vulnerability might react defensively:

• Stonewalling: Shutting down or withdrawing completely

• Contempt: Responding with sarcasm, mockery or insults

• Defensiveness: Making excuses or blaming their partner

• Attempts For Connection Are Missed: A vulnerable statement is an attempt to re-establish connection and intimacy. When a partner responds negatively to this attempt, it can create emotional distance between the partners.

What Are the Consequences of Negative Responses to a Partner's Vulnerability?

• Erosion of Trust: When a partner realizes that their expressions of emotional vulnerability are met with a negative response, they learn that it's not safe to be open with their partner.

Responding to Your Partner's Vulnerability

• Increased Conflict: When underlying issues remain unresolved, this can lead to more intense conflicts in the relationship.

• Decreased Intimacy: Negative responses to vulnerability often leads to a decrease in emotional and sexual intimacy which creates distance and loneliness.

• Heightened Emotional and Physical Stress: Chronic negative communication patterns raise stress levels which can impact on mental and physical health.

How Can You Break the Negative Cycle?

Breaking the negative cycle is an important strategy for improving a relationship (see my article: Breaking the Negative Cycle in Your Relationship).

The following strategies might be helpful to break a negative cycle in your relationship?

• Take a Break: If you or your partner feel overwhelmed, you can take a break to calm down and collect your thoughts. Before taking a break, have an agreement as to when you will get back together to talk again so that taking a break doesn't become an excuse for avoiding the conversation. Also, if you or your partner have an anxious attachment style, knowing when you will get back together to talk can help to soothe anxiety and fears of abandonment.

• Identify Your Triggers: Develop an awareness as to what your partner says that triggers your fears or defensiveness. Understanding your triggers is the first step. in learning to. manage your emotions (see my article: Becoming Aware of Your Triggers).

• Practice Empathy and Validation: Instead of being critical or getting defensive, try to understand your partner's feelings. You don't have to agree with your partner. You can respond by validating your partner's feelings and saying, "That sounds hard" or "I can hear how much that hurts you" (see my article: How to Develop and Use Validation Skills in Your Relationship).

Responding to Your Partner's Vulnerability

• Use "I" Statements: Instead of blaming your partner, frame your feelings in a nonjudgmental and non-defensive way. For instance, instead of saying "You make me worried when..." say "I feel worried when..."

Get Help in Couples Therapy

• Seek Professional Help: A skilled couples therapist can help you and your partner to identify the negative cycles you get into together and also help you to develop better communication and relationship skills.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many people to overcome obstacles to having a fulfilling relationship.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Expanding Your Perspective About 1ntimacy

Many people think of sex as being exclusively penis-in-vagina (also known as P-in-V), but sex is so much more than P-in-V (see my article: Understanding Your Sex Script).

Expanding Your Perspective About Intimacy

P-in-V sex for heterosexual couples is one aspect of sex, but it's important to develop a broader perspective about sex, which is the purpose of this article.

Why Is It Important to Develop a Broader Perspective About Sex?

A broader perspective about sex includes:

• A Validation of Non-Penetrative Activities: Non-penetrative sex is also called "outercourse" to distinguish it from intercourse. There are many other non-penetrative sexual activities that are pleasurable. These activities are often referred to as "foreplay", but that word diminishes sexual activities that many people prefer. It's also a narrow heteronormative view of sex that invalidates what many people like (see my article: Changing Your Sex Script).

Expanding Your Perspective About Intimacy

• An Improvement in Sexual Satisfaction, Especially For Women: The majority of women don't orgasm from penetrative sex alone. Many of them require clitoral stimulation to have an orgasm or for sex to even be pleasurable. Expanding the definition of sex to include other forms of sexual stimulation can lead to more fulfilling sexual experiences for women (see my article: To Improve Intimacy, Get Off the Sexual Staircase).

Expanding Your Perspective About Intimac

• LGBTQIA+ Experiences: Defining sex as P-in-V invalidates the experiences of gay, lesbian, bisexual, trans, queer and asexual people. An expanded perspective of sex includes all consensual pleasurable activities between partners.

• A Non-Performative Perspective on Sex: Focusing exclusively on penetrative sex can create pressure, anxiety and stress. For instance, when sex is seen as solely penetrative, it can place a lot of pressure on men to maintain an erection, which can develop into an anxiety spiral that creates problems with erections. Broadening the definition of sex allows partners to focus on mutual pleasure rather than performance (see my article: What is Performative Sex?).

Expanding Your Perspective About Intimacy

• An Accommodation For Different Abilities and Preferences: For people who have different sexual abilities due to aging, physical pain or other conditions, non-performative sex can be a fulfilling alternative. It also offers other options for couples who might prefer other sexual activities than penetrative sex (see my article: 5 Common Myths About Sex in Long Term Relationships).

Expanding Your Perspective About Intimacy

• An Increase in Emotional Intimacy: Non-performative sex (or outercourse) can enhance emotional connection by emphasizing communication, exploration and intimacy without the pressure of performative sex (see my article: Emotional Vulnerability as a Pathway to Greater Emotional and Sexual Intimacy).

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

Many individual adults and couples would like to broaden their sexual activities, but they don't know where to start.

Sex therapy is a form of talk therapy where a sex therapist focuses on sexual issues (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).

There are no physical exams, nudity or sex during sex therapy sessions. 

If you have been having sexual problems you haven't been able to resolve on your own, you could benefit from seeking help from a licensed mental health professional who is a sex therapist.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help in sex therapy so you can have a more fulfilling sex life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT Couples Therapist, Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Creating Rituals of Connection to Strengthen Your Relationship

Rituals of connection in relationships are small, intentional acts and routines that couples create to build intimacy, trust and emotional connection (see my article: The Power of Creating Personal Rituals).

Creating Rituals of Connection

What Are Rituals of Connection?

Rituals of connection might include:

• A morning kiss

• A good night kiss

• A kiss any time during the day just because you want to

Creating Rituals of Connection

• Meals together without screens or other distractions

• Date nights

• Massages

• Consistent bedtime routines

• Playing together

• Sharing meaningful memories

• Exercising together

• Daily walks together

• Meditating together

• Romantic texts throughout the day when you're apart

• Expressing appreciation for your partner on a regular basis

• Uninterrupted time each day when you're together with no distractions, including no phones or computers

• Reading poetry or inspirational prose to each other

• A shower or bubble bath together

• Weekend getaways

• Planning vacations together

• Developing your own traditions together

• Celebrating anniversaries and other meaningful occasions

• Creating plans for the future together

Why Are Rituals of Connection Important in Relationships?

Rituals of connection are important to:

• Express your love for one another

• Create a sense of connection

• Develop a sense of comfort and trust

Creating Rituals of Connection

• Create a shared sense of meaning

• Strengthen emotional and sexual intimacy

• Make romance a part of your daily life together

• Show appreciation for each other on a regular basis

• Improve communication
  

• Keep the spark alive
  

• Keep joy alive

How to Create Rituals of Connection For Your Relationship

There are many different ways you can create rituals of connection.

Here are some suggestions you can try:

• Set Aside Time to Talk to Your Partner
• Identity Shared Values and Interests: Talk about what you both enjoy so that the rituals are enjoyable for both of you

Creating Rituals of Connection

• Discuss What the Ritual Will Include: How will it begin and how will it end?

• Start Small: Choose one or two rituals to start and see how that goes for each of you

• Design Your Rituals

• Make Rituals As Simple or Elaborate As You Both Want: Rituals don't have to be a certain way. You can decide together what you want to include. When in doubt, keep it simple.

• Assess What Works: Assess your rituals after a few days or weeks to see what works for both of you and what you might want to change.

• Choose Activities that Build Connection: This can include:

• Daily rituals

• Weekly or monthly rituals

• Rituals that commemorate special occasions

• Be Consistent

• Be consistent so that you and your partner learn to expect these rituals on a regular basis

• Consistency builds regular habits

• Be Flexible

• While you strive to be consistent, be flexible as life circumstances change

• Be intentional but not rigid

• Be Open to New Ways to Strengthen Your Connection
• Be creative

• Be open-minded to new rituals

• Have fun

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT Therapist (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Improving Your Relationship By Practicing Teamwork

Practicing teamwork in your relationship is essential to developing and maintaining relationships (see my article: Relationships: Are You Pulling Together or Pulling Apart?).

Improving Your Relationship By Practicing Teamwork

To practice teamwork, it's important for both you and your partner to feel you have each other's backs and you will tackle whatever issues come up together.

Focusing on being a team means you each give up some control and the need to be right all the time. It also means that you learn to compromise.

How to Practice Teamwork to Improve Your Relationship

The following dynamics are important to working together as a team in your relationship:

• A Willingness to Start By Looking at How You Might Be Contributing to Problems in the Relationship: Before you can become a team, you need to be aware of dynamics in your relationship that are not working. Instead of pointing your finger at your partner, focus on yourself first and think about how you might be able to change to improve your relationship. This means letting go of keeping score of your partner's mistakes and making a commitment to make changes in your attitude and behavior.

Improving Your Relationship By Practicing Teamwork

• Trusting You Have Each Other's Backs and You're Willing to Compromise: You are two different people so, naturally, you're not going to feel the same way about everything, but when it comes to resolving problems, you can agree to work as a team to come up with a compromise. You're not focused on getting your way. Instead your focus is on coming up with the best possible compromise that you both can live with.  This means you might not get everything you want, but your focus is on strengthening your relationship. If there are current trust issues, you're willing to work on these issues to strengthen your relationship (see my article: How to Build Trust and Connection in Your Relationship).

Improving Your Relationship By Practicing Teamwork

• Coming Together to Focus on the Problem Instead of Blaming Each Other: When you approach problems as a team, you avoid blaming each other for the problems and, instead, you focus on the problems together. It means you and your partner approach difficult situations together to come up with potential solutions or compromises. This might include:

• Money issues (see my article: Arguing About Money)

• Family problems (see my article: What to Do If Your Partner and Your Parents Don't Get Along)

• Career changes
  

• Stress (see my article: Recognizing Signs That You Are Under Too Much Stress

• Emotional pressures

• Other issues

• Communicating in An Open, Honest and Respectful Manner: This includes: 

• Active listening to your partner's perspective--even if it's different from your own

• Taking turns speaking without interrupting, judging or criticizing each other

Improving Your Relationship By Practicing Teamwork

• Being clear about your own hopes and dreams for the relationship--even if it's different from your partner's hopes and dreams

• Emotionally validating each other's feelings--even if you disagree with your partner's perspective (see my article: How to Use Emotional Validation in Your Relationship)

• Establishing Common Goals (see my article: 10 Relationshp Goals That Can Make Your Relationship Stronger)

• Developing Clear Expectations: Once you have established common goals for the relationship, you need to discuss how you will accomplish these goals and get clear about each other's expectations with regard to each of your roles and responsibilities to avoid confusion and resentment.

• Celebrating Your Successes: When you have successfully taken a step towards accomplishing your goals, recognize and celebrate this success together.

Improving Your Relationship By Practicing Teamwork

• Providing Emotional Support to Each Other: Practicing teamwork includes being each other's source of emotional support. You are each other's "rock" in good and challenging times (see my article: What Do You Need to Feel Closer to Your Partner?).

• Expressing Your Appreciation For Each Other: It's easy to take each other for granted especially if you have been together for a while. Take the time to express your appreciation to each other so you each feel valued and loved (see my article: The Importance of Expressing Gratitude To Your Partner).

• Making Time For Each Other: Scheduling quality time to spend together to have fun. This includes time for emotional and sexual intimacy (see my article: Try a Little Playfulness).

• Repairing Ruptures Between the Two of You Sooner Rather Than Later: When arguments or conflicts arise and you know you made a mistake or hurt your partner, be willing to apologize to repair the rupture between the two of you as quickly as possible. Certain ruptures might take a while to repair, but the sooner you address them, the more likely you will be to repair whatever hurt or angry feelings there might be without the growing resentment that often develops over time (see my articles: How to Deal With Resentment in Your Relationship and Stages of Forgiveness).

• Get Help in Couples Therapy: If you are unable to come together as a team, you could benefit from getting help in couples therapy to work on these issues. A skilled couples therapist can help you so you can have a more fulfilling relationship (see my article: What is Emotionally Focused Therapy For Couples?).

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I have over 20 years of experience working with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles:

What Do Couples Talk About in Couples Therapy?

Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy

What Are Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?

 

Common Relationship Problems After Infidelity

I have written several articles about infidelity in the past (see the links for these articles throughout and at the end of this article).

In the current article I'm discussing on some of the most common problems people in relationships experience after infidelity.

In the next article, I'll discuss steps to repair emotional and sexual intimacy.

Repairing Intimacy After Infidelity

What Are the Most Common Relationships Problems After Infidelity?

Different people will face a variety of problems after infidelity  (see my article: Coping With Infidelity).

Here are some of the most common problems:

• Lack of Trust: Lack of trust can include the betrayed partner questioning their other partner's behavior, thoughts and feelings even when the partner who cheated tries to assure them that they are no longer cheating (see my article: Learning to Trust Again After Infidelity).

• Feeling Devastated: After infidelity is discovered, the betrayed partner can feel emotionally devastated including feeling sad, angry, resentful, ashamed, humiliated, confused, self blaming, powerless, "not good enough" and questioning their desirability. The partner who cheated can also feel emotionally devastated with guilt, shame, sadness, regret, and fear of losing their partner.

Feeling Emotionally Devastated After Infidelity

• Barriers to Communication: It's common for both people to have problems communicating with each other after an affair. Both people can have problems expressing their feelings to each other.

• Struggling With Uncertainty About the Relationship: Even if both people want to repair the relationship, they might also be struggling with uncertainty as to whether or not the relationship can be repaired and, if it can, what the relationship would look like in the future (see my article: Should You Stay or Should You Leave Your Relationship?).

• Struggling With How to Begin the Healing Process: Emotional healing can be a challenge for both people. The betrayed partner might not know how to begin the individual healing process--even after they have decided to try to repair the relationship. The partner who cheated also might not know how to heal especially if they feel they don't deserve to heal because they cheated and caused their partner pain.

• Struggling With Forgiveness: Forgiveness involves more than just the partner who cheated saying "I'm sorry" and the betrayed partner saying "I forgive you" (see my article: Stages of Forgiveness).

Struggling With Forgiveness After Infidelity

• Rebuilding Emotional and Sexual Intimacy: People often struggle with how to rebuild emotional and sexual intimacy after an affair. This is especially challenging if they have waited a while to seek help and they have fallen into a pattern of emotional and sexual  disconnection.  Even if a couple has resumed having sex, they can't assume this means the relationship has been repaired if they haven't gone through the repair process. When couples don't go through that process, there are often unspoken emotions that come to the surface in many different ways (see my article: Have You and Your Partner Stopped Having Sex?).

Clinical Vignettes:

The following clinical vignettes, which are composites of many different cases to protect confidentiality, illustrate some of the common problems people experience after infidelity:

A Relationship With a Monogamous Agreement

    Maria and Sal:

Maria and Sal were married for 10 years when she discovered sexts from another woman on Sal's phone. At first, Sal tried to dismiss Maria's concerns by telling her these sexts didn't mean anything, which served to upset Maria even more because she felt Sal was dismissing her feelings and minimizing the problem.

Sexting and Infidelity

When he realized how distraught Maria felt, Sal took responsibility and admitted he had been having a sexual affair online and in person with another woman for several months. At that point, Maria told Sal that, although she was deeply hurt and angry, she didn't want to end their marriage especially since they had two young children. 

After Sal agreed to end the affair and never have contact with the other woman again, both Maria and Sal agreed to "put it all behind" them and "move on." 

At first, this was a relief to both of them, but over time they realized Maria was having problems trusting Sal. She was suspicious about every text he received and insisted on monitoring his phone. She also didn't believe him when he had to go on a business trip. In addition, she repeatedly demanded to know if Sal was thinking about the other woman and, when he said he wasn't, she didn't believe him.

Initially, after they agreed to remain together, their sex life became more passionate. Maria wanted to prove to Sal and to herself that she was sexually desirable and Sal wanted to prove to Maria that he found her desirable. But after a few weeks, their sexual passion began to wane because of the trust issues--until they stopped having sex altogether (see my article: Have You and Your Partner Stopped Having Sex?).

They didn't know how to talk to each other about these problems or where to begin to repair their problems with emotional and sexual intimacy.

A Relationships With a Consensual Nonmonogamous Agreement

    Bob and John

Bob and John were in a long term consensually nonmonogamous relationship (CNM). Their agreement was their relationship was primary. They also agreed they could have sex with other people, but neither of them would get emotionally involved with anyone else. 

In order to decrease the possibility of developing emotional ties with other men, part of their agreement was that they would only have sex with another person once and then never have contact with that man again.

Initially, they agreed they would have a "don't ask, don't tell" agreement where they could have sex with others, but they wouldn't let each other know about it. 

But, over time, this didn't work for them because they felt the secrecy was harming their relationship. So, they revised their CNM agreement so that they would talk about it before they got sexually involved with others (see my article: What's the Difference Between Privacy and Secrecy in Relationships?).

Their revised agreement seemed to be working out well--until Bob found out from his friend that John was having a long term affair with another man.

Infidelity Can Occur in Consensually Nonmonogamous Relationships

When Bob confronted John, he told him he couldn't believe John went against their CNM agreement. He was hurt and angry.

John admitted he broke their agreement, but he never meant to hurt Bob.  He also told Bob he wasn't sure if he wanted to stop seeing the other man--even though he knew this would cause John a lot of pain.

Both of them wanted to remain together, but Bob knew he couldn't tolerate John having an emotional attachment to another man.

After Bob found out about John's involvement with another man, he distanced himself from John emotionally and sexually.

They both felt stuck and they didn't know how to deal with their problem.

Next Article

In my next article, I'll continue discussing these two vignettes and how couples/sex therapy can help.

Conclusion

Emotional and sexual intimacy are often negatively affected after infidelity.

Many people want to remain in their relationship, but they don't know how to move forward.

Getting Help in Couples/Sex Therapy

If you're having problems repairing intimacy in your relationship after infidelity, you could benefit from working with a couples therapist who is also a sex therapist.

Getting Help in Couples/Sex Therapy

Most couples therapists have no training in sex therapy, so they might be able to help couples to repair emotionally, but they don't have the skills to help them repair sexually.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help in couples/sex therapy so you can repair emotional and sexual intimacy in your relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist (see my article: Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy).

With over 20 years of experience, I have helped many individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Other Articles:

What is Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) For Couples?

What is Sex Therapy?

What Are Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?

Relationships: Do You and Your Partner Understand Each Other's Needs?

Whether you and your partner have been together for many years or you're early in your dating relationship, you both might have different needs, so being able to communicate is important (see my article: How Well Do You Know Your Partner?).

What is Your Definition of Intimacy?

It's a common mistake for individuals in relationships to assume that they and their partner have the same understanding of intimacy, but this often isn't true.

Understanding Each Other's Needs in a Relationship

How you and your partner define intimacy and each of your needs might be different, which can lead to misunderstandings if you don't know this.

When one partner makes a gesture for emotional connection, but in that moment the other partner needs personal time apart, this difference can lead to feelings of rejection for the person who wants connection and feelings of being pressured for the one who needs personal time apart.

If these differences aren't discussed, both people can feel too vulnerable to approach their partner. The one who wants more closeness can fear being judged as "needy" and the one who needs their own personal time can fear being labeled as "emotionally cold" or avoidant.

How to Develop Effective Communication to Understand Each Other's Needs

Unfortunately, when couples experience differences in terms of what they each need, they often avoid the topic or, if they want to talk about it, they don't know how to do it.

Understanding Each Other's Needs in a Relationship

Admittedly, it can be difficult to initiate a conversation about individual differences with regard to intimacy, but not talking about it often increases emotional distance between each partner.

To reconnect with each other, a couple needs to be able to express their needs and be open to what their partner needs.

What Are the Different Types of Intimacy?

Intimacy includes:

• Emotional Intimacy

• Physical Intimacy

• Mental Intimacy

• Emotional Intimacy: Creating a safe haven for each person to express their emotional needs is essential. If one or both people think they will be criticized about their needs, they won't be able to communicate openly. So, even though you and your partner might be different with regard to the type and amount of emotional intimacy you each need, it's important to start with the mindset that you're both going to listen to each other with openness and respect.

Understanding Each Other's Needs in a Relationship

• Physical Intimacy: Some people need to feel emotionally intimate first before they can become sexually intimate. Others need to feel connected sexually before they can feel emotionally intimate. Neither way is right or wrong, it's just different. It's also common for individuals in a relationship to experience sexual desire differently, so it's important to understand yourself and your partner, especially if you have differences.

• See my articles: 

• Whereas Many Women Need Emotional Connection to Feel Sexual Desire, Many Men Need a Sexual Connection to Connect Emotionally
  

• Spontaneous and Responsive Desire Are Both Normal

• Mental Intimacy: Feeling mentally stimulated by your partner is just as important as feeling emotionally and physically stimulated. If you and your partner find that you have little to talk about beyond your children and your jobs, you could benefit from talking about your hobbies or interests. You each might be different when it comes to talking about what is most interesting and fulfilling to you. It's not unusual for two people to have different interests and it's also possible to get curious about your partner's interests and for your partner to get curious about yours. 

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette, which is a composite of many different cases to maintain confidentiality, illustrates how a cisgender heterosexual couple can become closer by working on these issues in therapy:

Jean and Bill

When Jean and Bill were dating, they both felt emotionally, physically and mentally drawn to each other.

Ten years into their marriage, Jean suggested they seek help in couples therapy due to an increasing sense of estrangement and boredom between them.  

Bill was somewhat reluctant because he wasn't accustomed to talking about his feelings to a mental health professional, but he agreed to attend couples therapy because he realized they were drifting apart.

After meeting with each of them individually to get their individual histories with regard to their family, prior relationships and sexual history, they had their first couples session together. 

The couples therapist, who was also a sex therapist, asked them what each of them wanted to get out of couples therapy.

After a moment of awkwardness and silence, they turned to each other and Jean was the first to speak, "We've been drifting apart for the last several years and I'm afraid that if we don't do something to change this, we're going to live together as roommates or our relationship might not last."

Bill responded, "I feel like Jean doesn't understand that I need my alone time, especially after I come home from work. It's like she can't wait to tell me about her day and, don't get me wrong, I want to hear about it, but I feel bombarded when I first walk through the door. I don't want us to continue to drift apart, but we need to work out our differences when it comes to time together and time apart (see my article: Time Together Vs. Time Apart).

Over time, Bill and Jean spoke about this issue as well as other obstacles to emotional, physical and mental intimacy. This was their first experience with talking about these topics and, although they were each hesitant to talk about their needs at first, they learned to approach these talks with openness and curiosity.

They both expressed feeling more genuinely connected to each other--even when they were talking about their differences. 

Since they had become increasingly estranged over the last several years, their work in couples therapy was neither quick nor easy. But they both felt they were being more authentic with each other which brought them closer together.

They each learned to be open and curious about their individual interests. They also learned they were different in terms of their emotional needs. 

Bill felt most connected to Jean when they were sexual and Jean felt more sexually turned on when they were emotionally connected. So they learned to talk about this and make adjustments in how they interacted. 

Jean realized she wasn't usually spontaneously interested in sex, but once she and Bill began kissing, she got turned on. 

She learned that if she was willing to start being sexually intimate, she usually got turned on (see my article: For People With Responsive Desire, a Willingness to Get Started is Often Enough to Get Aroused).

Bill experienced sexual desire spontaneously. All he had to do was think about sex and he was turned on, but he learned to appreciate Jean's responsive desire, so he slowed down to align with her experience, which made their sex life more pleasurable for both of them.

As obstacles came up in their couples therapy work, their couples therapist helped them to work through them so that, over time, they had a more fulfilling relationship.

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

If you and your partner haven't been able to resolve your problems on your own, you could benefit from seeking help in couples therapy.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a skilled couples therapist so you can have a more fulfilling relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.