Relationships: What Do You Consider Cheating?

This article was updated on October 7, 2026.

Many couples don't hold a shared definition of what constitutes infidelity, which frequently leads to chronic arguments, broken boundaries, and deep relational conflict. Different relationship structures—ranging from strict monogamy to consensual nonmonogamy—operate under vastly different assumptions regarding fidelity.

Minimalist line drawing reflecting internal values, self-reflection, and relationship transparency. Adults and couples can schedule clinical sessions at the Greenwich Village, NYC private practice of Josephine Ferraro, LCSW.

In many partnerships, individuals avoid discussing what they believe is cheating until they encounter an active crisis. To protect your bond from infidelity trauma, it's essential to proactively outline your boundaries before a breach of trust occurs.

Shifting Boundaries: From Monogamy to Non-Monogamy

Generally speaking, most people define cheating as any romantic or sexual behavior that violates the explicit or implicit rules of their relationship agreement. However, modern relationship psychology recognizes that fidelity boundaries exist on a spectrum:

• Monogamous Relationships: Fidelity typically requires absolute emotional, romantic, and physical exclusivity. Any external romantic attachment or sexual contact is classified as a breach of trust.
• Consensual Nonmonogamous (CNM) Relationships: Couples build an explicit, customized relationship agreement detailing specific boundary parameters. For example, a CNM agreement might state that a partner is permitted to have sexual encounters while traveling out of town, but must remain exclusive while at home. These agreements often specify the frequency of outside encounters, permissible types of sexual acts, or rules regarding emotional attachments.

5 Forms of Infidelity Discussed in Couples Therapy

In specialized couples therapy and sex therapy sessions, conflicts often center around distinct, modern variations of unfaithful behavior:

1. Physical Infidelity

This includes any unauthorized sexual acts, physical touch, or erotic encounters outside the relationship that violate the core partnership agreement.

2. Emotional Cheating

An emotional affair occurs when a partner forms a deep, intimate connection with someone outside the relationship without their significant other's knowledge or consent. This involves sharing private vulnerabilities, confiding personal problems or relying on an external figure for the primary emotional support that is typically reserved for a spouse or partner.

3. Sexting and Digital Affairs

The digital age has introduced micro-cheating and online affairs. This includes sending explicit text messages, exchanging intimate photos or cultivating secret romantic dynamics across social media platforms and dating apps.

4. Intentional Flirting

Many individuals consider sustained or secret flirting outside the relationship to be a boundary violation, as it directs sexual and romantic energy away from the primary partner.

5. Secret Consumption of Pornography

While pornography usage varies, some partners classify it as a form of cheating if it involves active deception. Others partners don't mind because they see it as harmless. The problem is that most people don't discuss this beforehand and so misunderstandings can develop (see my article: How to Stop Getting Into Power Struggles About Your Partner's Porn Viewing).

Practical Steps to Establish Clear Relationship Boundaries

If you and your partner hold conflicting views on what constitutes unfaithful behavior, you can build safety and alignment using these clinical strategies:

• Negotiate and Define Explicit Rules: Do not rely on assumptions. Sit down with your partner and explicitly define what behaviors cross the line into cheating. Treat your relationship as a fluid contract that requires ongoing negotiation.
• Cultivate Radical Transparency: Have open, non-defensive communication about your personal values regarding fidelity. Discuss your boundaries around work friendships, social media usage, and individual privacy to prevent future misunderstandings.
• Address Lies of Omission: Recognize that deception is often more damaging than the act itself. If you are hiding an interaction or a friendship because you know your partner would be upset, you are actively harboring a secret that erodes trust.

Rebuilding Safety with an NYC Couples & Sex Therapist

Learning to align different values around fidelity can be exceptionally difficult, especially if a boundary breach has already occurred. When couples try to navigate the painful aftermath of emotional or physical infidelity without clinical support, they often trap themselves in combative conflict loops.

Working with a skilled professional provides a secure conversational container to untangle unmet needs, heal attachment anxieties, and negotiate an honest, honoring relationship agreement.

About Josephine Ferraro, LCSW

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, Advanced Trauma Specialist, and Certified Sex Therapist with over 25 years of experience guiding individual adults and couples through complex relational, emotional, and sexual challenges. 

My Greenwich Village private practice integrates cutting-edge somatic and experiential psychotherapies to help individuals and clients to safely de-escalate conflict, recover from betrayal, and build resilient, transparent partnerships. including:

• Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT for couples)

• Somatic Experiencing (SE)

• EMDR Therapy

• AEDP

• IFS Parts Work Therapy

• Clinical Hypnosis (Hypnotherapy)

Connect with My Greenwich Village Psychotherapy Practice:

• 🌐 Website: Visit Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist to explore my clinical philosophies and read more relationship insights.
• 📞 Phone: Call (917) 742-2624 during standard business hours
• ✉️ Email: josephineferraro@iCloud.com
• 📍 Location: Conveniently located for in-person sessions at my private office in Greenwich Village, New York, NY 10011, and available for secure online teletherapy throughout New York State.

What's the Difference Between Privacy and Secrecy in a Relationship?

This article was updated on October 6, 2026.

There can be a thin line between maintaining personal privacy and harboring damaging secrets within a partnership. Because this boundary is a frequent point of contention in modern relationships, it is a highly common focus in specialized couples therapy and sex therapy sessions.

Minimalist vector art reflecting internal boundaries, self-reflection, and relationship transparency. Individuals and couples can schedule sessions at the Greenwich Village, NYC office of Josephine Ferraro, LCSW

Where you draw the boundary between personal autonomy and shared transparency is a deeply personal choice. However, it is vital to recognize that keeping secrets carries severe psychological consequences, often triggering intense feelings of betrayal, broken trust, and emotional trauma for your partner.

Defining the Boundaries: Privacy vs. Secrecy

Understanding the fundamental psychological differences between these two concepts is the first step toward building a secure attachment with your partner.

Privacy

Generally, privacy is a consensual arrangement where both partners agree on personal boundaries. Maintaining privacy is non-threatening to the emotional safety of the relationship because it is built upon mutual understanding and respect. It allows each individual room to breathe, think, and maintain personal autonomy without compromising the safety of the bond.

Secrecy

Secrecy is inherently nonconsensual. It involves deliberately withholding information without any prior agreement or shared understanding of boundaries. Secrecy is often driven by self-serving motives designed to protect the interests of the partner hiding the behavior, while actively exposing the other partner to potential emotional or psychological detriment.

Introspection: Is It Privacy or a Secret?

Partners frequently hold conflicting ideas about what constitutes acceptable privacy versus toxic secrecy, which can quickly jeopardize the stability of a relationship.

To gain clarity on your behavior, review the following psychological criteria to determine which path you are truly walking:

Warning Signs of Secrecy (Answering "Yes" Signals a Problem)

• Deceptive Motives: You are spending significant time, mental energy, and effort trying to keep a specific behavior hidden from your partner.
• Cognitive Distortion: You rationalize the behavior by telling yourself, "What my partner doesn't know won't hurt them."
• Deliberate Concealment: You are actively hiding people, activities, plans, financial matters (such as secret credit card bills or hidden receipts), or events from your partner despite having an agreement to share them.
• Enlisting Accomplices: You involve friends or family members to help keep aspects of your life hidden from your significant other.
• Emotional Detachment: The hidden behavior induces underlying emotions like fear, shame, anxiety, guilt, or sadness, creating a distinct emotional or sexual distance in your relationship.

When you intentionally withhold truths to lead your partner into believing something false, you are engaging in lies of omission, which severely break down relationship trust.

Indicators of Healthy Privacy (Answering "Yes" Signals Alignment)

• Internal Peace: As an empathetic individual who deeply cares about your partner, you feel a genuine sense of calm and peace about keeping certain matters personal.
• Consensual Alignment: Your decision aligns perfectly with the clear, upfront agreements and boundaries you and your partner have already established together.
• No Threat to the Bond: If your partner were to discover the detail, it would not shock their system or constitute a breach of your relationship's core contract.

Clinical Examples: Privacy vs. Secrecy in Practice

The following clinical scenarios, which are composites of many cases, illustrate how these concepts manifest in everyday relationship systems.

A Case of Maintaining Privacy: Angela and Sara

Angela and Sara are in a committed, long-term relationship. They have a clear, mutual agreement that they each value private sexual autonomy. They agree that they do not need to share the explicit details of their private masturbation habits or passing sexual fantasies involving other people—provided those thoughts never cross into real-world interactions. Because this boundary is consensual and transparently established, neither partner feels anxious or threatened by it. They successfully maintain healthy privacy.

A Case of Keeping a Secret: Jim and Betty

Jim and Betty have been together for two years under a strict agreement of romantic and sexual monogamy. While Jim cares for Betty, he frequently fixes his attention on his ex-partner, Jane. He begins meeting Jane for coffee in secret, where they openly discuss the possibility of getting back together.

Jim rationalizes these meetings by telling himself that because the interactions aren't physical, he isn't technically cheating or doing anything wrong. He convinces himself that since Betty is unaware, she isn't being harmed.

One afternoon, Betty walks into the local cafe and discovers them sitting close together, talking softly. She is instantly devastated, experiencing a profound sense of betrayal. When confronted later, Jim goes into immediate denial. The break in trust fractures their foundation, leading them to enter couples therapy to parse the damage caused by Jim's destructive secrecy.

Rebuilding Trust and Boundaries in Couples Therapy

Establishing clear boundaries around privacy is a foundational relationship skill. If you are intentionally withholding information that leads your partner to believe an altered version of reality, you are holding onto secrets that will eventually erode your connection.

If your relationship is trapped in a loop of suspicion, hidden behaviors, or the fallout of financial or emotional secrets, self-help strategies aren't enough. 

Working with a skilled mental health professional can help you uncover the root causes of avoidant behaviors—such as deep-seated fears or shame—and establish a secure framework for lasting honesty.

About Josephine Ferraro, LCSW

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, Trauma Specialist, Couples Therapist and Certified Sex Therapist with over 25 years of experience guiding individual adults and couples through complex emotional, relational, and sexual challenges. 

My Greenwich Village private practice integrates cutting-edge somatic and experiential modalities to help clients safely resolve conflict, heal from betrayal, and construct resilient, transparent relationships, including:

• Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT)

• Sex Therapy

• Somatic Experiencing (SE)

• EMDR Therapy

• AEDP

• IFS Parts Work

• Clinical Hypnosis (Hypnotherapy)

Connect with My Private Practice in My Greenwich Village Office:

• 🌐 Website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist
• 📞 Phone: Call (917) 742-2624 during business hours
• ✉️ Email: josephineferraro@iCloud.com
• 📍 Location: Conveniently located for in-person sessions at my private office in Greenwich Village, New York, NY 10011, and available for secure online teletherapy throughout NYS.

Expanding Your Perspective About Intimacy

EXPANDING YOUR PERSPECTIVE ABOUT INTIMACY: WHY SEX IS MORE THAN PENETRATION

Many heterosexual people grow up thinking of sex as being exclusively penis-in-vagina (P-in-V) intercourse. However, physical intimacy encompasses an entirely broader spectrum of pleasure. (To discover how to rethink your intimate patterns, read my guide on Understanding and Rewriting Your Sex Script). 

Broadening your definition of sex to include outercourse and non-penetrative touch eliminates performance pressure and allows couples to explore new depths of physical pleasure.

While penetrative sex is a common aspect of heterosexual relationships, developing a wider, more inclusive perspective about sex can fundamentally transform a couple's connection.

WHY SHOULD YOU BROADEN YOUR DEFINITION OF SEX?

Shifting away from a rigid focus on penetration offers profound benefits for physical pleasure, emotional security, and relational health. 

An expanded view of physical intimacy includes:

• Validation of non-penetrative activities. Often called "outercourse," non-penetrative sex includes a variety of deeply pleasurable activities. Reframing these acts as sex, rather than mere "foreplay," respects diverse preferences and challenges restrictive heteronormative views. (Learn more by reading my guide on Changing Your Sex Script).
• Improved sexual satisfaction, especially for women. The vast majority of women do not orgasm from penetrative sex alone and require direct clitoral stimulation for intimacy to feel fulfilling. Broadening your definitions ensures both partners receive equal pleasure. Discover How to Improve Intimacy By Getting Off the Sexual Staircase).
• Inclusivity of LGBTQIA+ experiences. Defining sex solely as P-in-V invalidates the lived experiences of gay, lesbian, bisexual, trans, queer, and asexual people. An authentic perspective honors all consensual, pleasurable acts between partners.
• A healthy shift away from performative sex. Obsessing over intercourse creates intense pressure, tracking, and anxiety. This goal-oriented focus often triggers an anxiety spiral for men regarding maintaining an erection. (Read my detailed clinical breakdown on what performative sex is).
• Accommodation for different health abilities. For couples navigating physical pain aging, or medical conditions, shifting to non-performative outercourse provides a deeply fulfilling path to stay close without physical strain. (Debunk these roadblocks by reviewing 5 common myths about sex in long term relationships).
• A direct increase in emotional intimacy. Removing the performance pressure of intercourse allows couples to focus entirely on communication, sensory exploration, and emotional safety. (Learn how to use emotional vulnerability as a pathway to emotional and sexual intimacy).

HOW NEW YORK CITY SEX THERAPY CAN HELP
Many individual adults and couples desire to expand their sexual horizons, but they simply don't know where to start or feel embarrassed discussing it.

Sex therapy is a highly specialized form of confidential talk therapy focused on resolving sexual roadblocks and expanding intimacy. (To demystify the process, read my article on what sex therapy actually is).

A common misconception keeps people from seeking the support they deserve: to be entirely clear, there are no physical exams, nudity, or sexual acts during sex therapy sessions. It is entirely a professional, conversational space led by a licensed clinician.

Rather than struggling with physical dissatisfaction in silence, working with a certified sex therapist can help you build a richer, more pleasurable sex life.

SCHEDULE A SEX THERAPY CONSULTATION IN GREENWICH VILLAGE, NYC

ABOUT JOSEPHINE FERRARO, LCSW

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, and Certified Sex Therapist with advanced training in EMDR, AEDP, EFT Couples Therapy, and Somatic Experiencing. 

I work closely with individual adults and couples in person in Greenwich Village, NY 10011 and online to build secure emotional and physical intimacy.

Contact Information

• Website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist
• Phone: (917) 742-2624 (Available during business hours)
• Email: josephineferraro@iCloud.com