Creating Rituals of Connection to Strengthen Your Relationship

Rituals of connection in relationships are small, intentional acts and routines that couples create to build intimacy, trust and emotional connection (see my article: The Power of Creating Personal Rituals).

Creating Rituals of Connection

What Are Rituals of Connection?

Rituals of connection might include:

• A morning kiss

• A good night kiss

• A kiss any time during the day just because you want to

Creating Rituals of Connection

• Meals together without screens or other distractions

• Date nights

• Massages

• Consistent bedtime routines

• Playing together

• Sharing meaningful memories

• Exercising together

• Daily walks together

• Meditating together

• Romantic texts throughout the day when you're apart

• Expressing appreciation for your partner on a regular basis

• Uninterrupted time each day when you're together with no distractions, including no phones or computers

• Reading poetry or inspirational prose to each other

• A shower or bubble bath together

• Weekend getaways

• Planning vacations together

• Developing your own traditions together

• Celebrating anniversaries and other meaningful occasions

• Creating plans for the future together

Why Are Rituals of Connection Important in Relationships?

Rituals of connection are important to:

• Express your love for one another

• Create a sense of connection

• Develop a sense of comfort and trust

Creating Rituals of Connection

• Create a shared sense of meaning

• Strengthen emotional and sexual intimacy

• Make romance a part of your daily life together

• Show appreciation for each other on a regular basis

• Improve communication
  

• Keep the spark alive
  

• Keep joy alive

How to Create Rituals of Connection For Your Relationship

There are many different ways you can create rituals of connection.

Here are some suggestions you can try:

• Set Aside Time to Talk to Your Partner
• Identity Shared Values and Interests: Talk about what you both enjoy so that the rituals are enjoyable for both of you

Creating Rituals of Connection

• Discuss What the Ritual Will Include: How will it begin and how will it end?

• Start Small: Choose one or two rituals to start and see how that goes for each of you

• Design Your Rituals

• Make Rituals As Simple or Elaborate As You Both Want: Rituals don't have to be a certain way. You can decide together what you want to include. When in doubt, keep it simple.

• Assess What Works: Assess your rituals after a few days or weeks to see what works for both of you and what you might want to change.

• Choose Activities that Build Connection: This can include:

• Daily rituals

• Weekly or monthly rituals

• Rituals that commemorate special occasions

• Be Consistent

• Be consistent so that you and your partner learn to expect these rituals on a regular basis

• Consistency builds regular habits

• Be Flexible

• While you strive to be consistent, be flexible as life circumstances change

• Be intentional but not rigid

• Be Open to New Ways to Strengthen Your Connection
• Be creative

• Be open-minded to new rituals

• Have fun

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT Therapist (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

What's the Difference Between Solitude and Loneliness?

We live in a world where we're often bombarded by overstimulation to our senses.  Whether this involves our increased accessibility with cellphones, texts, voicemail, social media, the ability to get "breaking news" 24/7 on cable news and the Internet, or the hustle and bustle of living in New York City, this overstimulation can exhaust us.  

Solitude: The State of Being Alone Without Feeling Lonely

Solitude vs Loneliness

Being able to enjoy times when we're alone so we can experience peace and a sense of solitude can help us to relax and de-stress from these overstimulating environments.  It's part of taking care of ourselves.  

But for many people, being alone isn't about solitude at all.  It's about feeling lonely and abandoned. This makes it hard for them to de-stress.  

How can we understand the difference between being alone with a sense solitude vs being alone and feeling lonely? 

In this blog post, I'll explore loneliness and solitude.  First, I'll start with loneliness, including feelings of loneliness that we all feel, and a much more pervasive type of loneliness connected to feeling abandoned.  Then, I'll explore solitude, what it means, how to experience it, why some people have problems experiencing solitude and how to overcome this problem.

It's important to understand that everyone feels lonely at times in their lives. Often, people who are not in relationships imagine that if they had a partner, they wouldn't ever feel lonely.

Loneliness

• Even if You're in a Relationship, You Can Feel Lonely at Times: Even if you're happily married or partnered, you can feel lonely at times. Your spouse or partner will not always be perfectly in synch with your emotional state all of the time, even in the best relationship.  You might also be with a partner who is emotionally avoidant and disengages from you emotionally (see my article Feeling Lonely in a Relationship).

Feeling Lonely in a Relationship

• Attributing a Negative Meaning to Occasional Loneliness: Acknowledging and accepting occasional loneliness is part of mature adult development. But if you attribute a negative meaning to being lonely (e.g., you're a "loser," no one wants to be with you), you're going to have a very different perspective about occasional loneliness than someone who accepts it as normal.  Berating yourself for what is normal will also erode your sense of self (see my article: Changing the Negative Stories You Tell Yourself).

• When Being Alone Triggers Feelings of Loneliness and Abandonment: Occasional loneliness is different from a pervasive feeling of being lonely and feeling abandoned most of the time.  When adults, who haven't learned to enjoy a sense of solitude, are by themselves, they will often go to great lengths not to be alone--even if it means being with people that they don't like. If there's no one around, they often keep themselves constantly distracted by keeping the TV on (even if they're not watching or listening to it), by overeating as a form of comfort, by drinking too much or using illicit drugs, smoking cigarettes, and so on. Even though they might realize they're exhausting themselves by keeping themselves distracted, it's preferable to them than dealing with feelings of loneliness and abandonment.

A History of Emotional Neglect as a Child Can Trigger Loneliness When You're Alone as an Adult

During the course of childhood development, if a young child doesn't have a fairly consistent and reliable loving presence, he or she feels abandoned.  Later on, as an adult, being alone often triggers feelings of loneliness and abandonment.

With nurturing caregivers, who are "good enough," we learn to play on our own in the presence of our adult caregivers. At around the age of three, if all goes well, we become a little more independent, being able to tolerate some alone time because we had a good early foundation with our caregivers.  

We learn to use our imagination to enter into our play and fantasy world while mom or dad is in another room nearby.  A child of three will often check back to see where mom or dad might be, and having seen that his parent is nearby, the child can go back to playing, feeling safe and secure.  More than likely, if all else goes well, this child will grow up to enjoy a sense of solitude from time to time.

But for adults who have a history of feeling emotionally abandoned as children, being alone can often feel intolerable. There is no comfort or solitude in being alone. They never learned to be alone.  Being alone means being abandoned, lonely and unworthy of love.

If being alone is intolerable, they need someone around to distract themselves from their uncomfortable feelings.  If they eat in a restaurant by themselves, they feel self conscious and fear that others are looking at them and thinking that they're alone because no one wants to be around them. If they have to go to a social event where they don't know anyone, they fear that no one will talk to them. They might even avoid going out alone because of the uncomfortable feelings that it provokes in them.

Solitude

What is Solitude?
Solitude is being able to enjoy your own company, feeling peaceful and relaxed, when you're by yourself at times.  If you can enjoy solitude, getting away from the hustle and bustle of everyday life is an important part of managing your stress.

How to Enjoy Solitude as Part of Self Care

The following are brief examples of enjoying solitude:

Marie:  Marie enjoys getting up early, before her husband and children wake up, to spend an hour or so on her own quietly sipping tea in the kitchen and reading a book. It's part of her self care routine.

Solitude as Self Care

She and her husband have a loving relationship. They enjoy spending time together as well as with their children, but Marie feels that this one hour in the morning that she has to herself before her busy day begins helps her to ease into her day in a more relaxed and quiet way. She values this time and, occasionally, when something happens where she can't spend this hour of solitude in the morning, she realizes that she is more likely to feel more frazzled during the rest of the day.

Bob:  Before he goes to bed, Bob likes to spend a half hour or so reading a favorite novel. While his wife is preparing for bed, Bob enjoys going off to the den, where it's quiet and he can have some time for himself. 

Solitude: Enjoying a Favorite Novel

This has been his nightly ritual for the five years that he and his wife have been married. At first, his wife didn't understand why Bob needed this time at the end of the day. But soon after they got married, his wife realized that she also felt more relaxed and refreshed if she also took this time to take a bubble bath, meditate or listen to music before she and Bob went to bed.

Laura:  Laura likes to take a walk in the park near her office at lunch time. Getting away from the busy phones and the demands of her job helps her to come back to the office feeling renewed and relaxed. 

Solitude as a Way to Relax

There are just enough people in the park so she feels safe, but not so many that she feels intruded or impinged upon. She can take an hour or so to lose herself in the beauty of nature or she can watch the dogs playing in the nearby dog run section of the park. She feels connected to nature at the same time that she also feels a sense of comfort with herself. On days when she spends her lunch hour working, instead of going to the park, she feels much more tired and stressed out by the end of the day.

Getting Help to Overcome a Sense of Loneliness and Emotional Isolation 
The good news is that if you've never learned to feel the comfort of solitude and being alone triggers feelings of alienation and loneliness, you can learn to overcome these issues in therapy.

There's no "quick fix," but many people have overcome this problem.   It's never too late to learn how to overcome the discomfort and fear of being alone. You can learn to enjoy solitude so you can have times when you can relax and enjoy your own company.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist. 

I work with individuals and couples.  

I have helped many clients to overcome trauma their fears of being alone (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Understanding Serial Monogamists - Part 2

In Part 1 of this topic, Understanding Serial Monogamists , I provided basic information describing the characteristics of most serial monogamists.  Of course, each person is an individual, whether they're a serial monogamist or not, so although that article discussed the most common characteristics, there will always be individual differences.

Understanding Serial Monogamists

In this article, I'm providing two typical vignettes.  Clinical Vignette 1 is about the relationship dynamics of a person who is a serial monogamist and the other who is not. Clinical Vignette 2 is about what it's often like when two serial monogamists get together.

Needless to say, as previously mentioned, no example can encapsulate all the nuances of individual relationships, so think of these vignettes as examples of typical characteristics of these relationships.

Clinical Vignette 1: A Serial Monogamist With Someone Who Wants to Take Time to Get to Know the Other Person

June and Ed
After meeting on a dating app, texting and talking on the phone a few times, June and Ed decided to meet for a drink for their first date.  They were both in their early 40s.  June was widowed three months before, and Ed was out of his prior relationship and dating other people for almost a year.

During their first date, they both felt physical chemistry.  At the same time, although Ed enjoyed his date with June, he noticed that June spent a lot of time talking about her deceased spouse.  While he was sympathetic to June's loss, he wanted to know more about June as an individual rather than hearing about June's deceased husband, John.

He attempted to steer the conversation to other topics several times, but June kept relating these topics to her prior relationship with John.  He noticed that whenever she mentioned John's name, she would light up.  Not only did she spend a lot of time talking about her former marriage, but she had high praise for John.  She said that her spiritual belief was that he was still hovering above her, watching over and protecting her.

On the one hand, Ed thought to himself that June might not have given herself enough time to mourn the loss of John and she might not be ready to date.  But, on the other hand, he really liked her and he wanted to get to know her better.

When Ed asked June what she was looking for in a relationship, she told him that she didn't want to spend a lot of time dating.  In fact, she said, she wanted to get into a new relationship as soon as possible.  She said she liked the comfort and security of being in a monogamous relationship and she hoped to be in new relationship very soon.

When June asked Ed what he wanted, he told her that he liked being in a relationship, but he also wanted to give himself some time to be one his own, date casually and get to know someone well before getting into a new relationship.  He said that, after his last relationship, which lasted three years, he got into therapy because he noticed that he was repeating certain patterns in that relationship, and he wanted to get to know himself better before he got into another relationship and repeated the same patterns.

In response, June said that she "didn't believe in therapy." She told him that her 10 year marriage to John was "perfect," and she already knew she wanted a similar relationship with someone else.  She said that the thought of spending time dating different people was very unappealing to her because she wanted the comfort and security of being in a relationship.  She said she needed someone who was going to be as loyal and true as John, and she wouldn't settle for anything less.

Although both of them saw "red flags" from the beginning in terms of wanting different things, they decided to continue to see each other to see where things would go.

June told Ed from the beginning that she couldn't tolerate the thought that he might be dating other women, so she asked him to date her exclusively.  Initially, Ed was reluctant to make this agreement, but he felt so attracted to June and liked her that he agreed.

Within the next few months, June and Ed were struggling with their differences. Whenever Ed wanted to spend time with his friends or engage in hobbies that didn't interest June, she complained, and he felt stifled by what he perceived as her "neediness."

She told him that she expected him to spend most, if not all, his free time with her and when he spent time with friends or doing things that she wasn't interested in, she felt her needs weren't being met and he was neglecting her.

Over time, Ed also got tired of hearing how "wonderful" John was and how "great" June's marriage to John had been.  Although June never said it directly, Ed felt that she was hinting that, compared to John, he didn't measure up in her eyes.

Although he knew that June was probably idealizing her marriage to John in an unrealistic way because no relationship is "perfect," he couldn't help feeling annoyed and frustrated.  He felt that, in effect, John's "ghost" was always hanging over them in a way that made him feel that he was in a love triangle with June and John where she thought he was inadequate compared to John.

After a while, Ed felt that June was constantly nagging him to spend time with her, and he wished that she had more friends and other interests to occupy her time so that he didn't have to be everything to her.  And June felt that if Ed really cared about her, he would want to spend all his free time with her and try to please her in every way he could.  She had already told him that she hated being alone, so she couldn't understand why he didn't listen to her.

Within four months, Ed felt like he had enough. He was bored with June, he felt frustrated by her clinginess and tired of hearing about her deceased husband. So, he told June he thought things weren't working out between them and they should end their relationship.  June said she was very disappointed because she had hoped Ed would eventually be as committed to being in a relationship with her as she was with him.

After the breakup, Ed continued to talk to his therapist about aftermath of his relationship with June and his patterns in relationships.  He realized that he didn't pay attention to his initial gut feeling when he first met June that they weren't compatible.

He also felt badly about hurting June's feelings, even though he knew that ending the relationship was for the best. However, he found out from mutual friends that within a week of their breakup, June was already seeing someone new and talking about wanting a committed relationship with the new person.

Clinical Vignette 2: Two Serial Monogamists Get Together

Agnes and Bill
After they met at a friend's party, Agnes and Bill, who were both in their late 30s, began seeing each other almost every day.  They had each gone through a breakup only a few weeks before, and they both agreed that they wanted and needed to be in a relationship.  They also agreed that they didn't want to date casually or see other people, so their relationship was intense from the beginning.

Within two months, Bill's lease ended, and he moved into Agnes' apartment.  Since Agnes was the main lessor on her lease, she gave her roommate a few weeks notice to find another apartment. She told Bill that she used to like having her roommate around because she didn't like to be alone, but now that she was in a relationship with Bill, she wanted to spend all of her free time with him.

Bill agreed that he didn't like being alone, which is why he remained at home with his parents until he moved in with Agnes.  Even though his parents kept urging Bill to move out to be on his own, he remained with his parents because of his aversion to being alone.

Bill's and Agnes' friends were surprised that their relationship became so intense so quickly.  These friends urged them to slow down to get to know each other.  But neither Bill nor Agnes were interested in slowing down.  They knew they wanted to be together every moment they could.

Within a few months of living together, Agnes and Bill began to feel bored with each other--even though neither of them said it.  Rather than addressing it directly, their boredom came out in frequent irritability and petty arguments that seemed to go nowhere.

In their own way, each of them felt disappointed in the relationship.  They both thought they knew each other from the time they first met, but they were discovering that there were things they didn't know or like.

Although it was never discussed between them, each of them began feeling nostalgic about their previous relationships.  John decided to get together for coffee with his prior girlfriend, Jane. While he was with Jane, he realized he still had romantic and sexual feelings for her.  He knew that Jane would be open to having a sexual affair with him even though he was supposed to be in a monogamous relationship with Agnes.  But he considered himself to be a loyal person, so he put that thought out of his head.

Agnes often daydreamed about her former boyfriend, Greg.  She wondered if she made a mistake when she broke up with him a few months before. She felt sad when she thought about Greg and even sadder because she felt her needs weren't being met in her current relationship with Bill.  She realized that she also felt that her needs weren't being met when she was with Greg, but she couldn't help thinking about him.

A month later, Agnes and Bill mutually decided to end their relationship because things weren't working out between them.  Within a few weeks, each of them was with someone new in another intense relationship, and they were repeating the same patterns.

Conclusion
The vignettes provided above are just two examples of these type of relationships.  In reality, there are many variations for both types.

Two people, one of whom is a serial monogamist and the other who wants to take time to get to know the other person, can work things out in the long run if they're each willing to compromise and try to negotiate their differences.

But in this dynamic, the reality is that these two people often don't get to the point where they get into a relationship because the serial monogamist is put off by the person who wants to take things slowly.  And the person who wants to take thing slower feels too pressured by the serial monogamist.

Similarly, two serial monogamists can work out their relationship and they might even be willing to stay together, despite boredom and stagnation, because they want to be in the relationship.

Most of the time, for a relationship between adults to work out, each person needs to come to the relationship as a mature individual who can handle the give-and-take involved in a long term relationship.  This means that they have developed independently, and they have taken the time to grieve the loss of a prior relationship so that they come to the new relationship without the emotional baggage.

It also means that, as individuals, they each bring something to the relationship and they're not solely dependent on the relationship to meet all their emotional needs.

Getting Help in Therapy
If you're currently having problems in your relationship that you've been unable to resolve on your own, you owe it to yourself to get help in therapy.

A therapist, who has experience helping individuals and couples to work on relationship issues, can help you to understand your dynamics in a relationship and the relationship dynamics so you can decide if you want to salvage your relationship or if it's best to end it.

Taking the first step, which is contacting a licensed psychotherapist for help, is often the hardest, but it can also be part of a transformative experience.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Therapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

I am currently providing teletherapy, which is also known as online therapy, telemental health and telehealth (see my article: The Advantages of Online Therapy).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Understanding Serial Monogamists - Part 1

There are many different types of relationships: traditional monogamous relationships, polyamorous relationships, relationships that are mostly monogamous but allow for occasional sexual encounters with other people, and so on.  I'm focusing on a particular type of relationship dynamic in this article, which is serial monogamy (see my article:  Dating vs Being in a Relationship).

Understanding Serial Monogamists

What is a Serial Monogamist?
Serial monogamists often have many of the following characteristics:

• They want and need the comfort of being in a committed relationship--often from the start of dating someone.
• They're usually emotionally intense about being in a relationship right from the beginning.  They're not into casual dating or dating different people at the same time.
• They need and expect a new romantic partner to bring the same level of intensity and commitment to the relationship as they do. 
• They expect a high degree of loyalty from their new romantic partner because they're usually loyal people.
• Due to their need to feel comfortable and secure in a relationship, they often want to jump ahead 6-12 months when the relationship is more established and settled.
• They usually don't like to be alone. They like having someone around all the time--whether it's a relative, a roommate or a romantic partner. They crave company. This often means they haven't matured or developed psychologically as adults because they can't tolerate being alone.
• They usually go from one relationship to the next rather than mourning the loss of the previous relationship, understanding what went wrong or looking at their patterns of being in a relationship.  This means they often bring their emotional baggage from the last relationship into the new relationship. Often, they're looking to get into a new relationship as soon as the last one ends without being on their own.
• They have a tendency to spend a lot of time talking about their ex with their new partner, often without even realizing it, because they haven't taken the time to deal with the end of the last relationship.

Knowing What You Want From a New Romantic Partner
There's nothing right or wrong about serial monogamy.

On the one hand, if two people get together and they're both serial monogamists, this might feel comfortable to both people because they know they both want to be in a committed relationship right from the beginning.

But even when both people feel the same way, as previously mentioned, they might get into a new relationship without really knowing the other person.  This often means they're not taking the time to get to know the person they're with because they don't go through a dating phase--they just jump right into being in a relationship.

They skip ahead in their mind to a time that's usually further along in a relationship because they need the comfort and security of an established relationship. This often means that they see what they need in the other person, which can be very different from the reality.  This can lead to disappointments when the reality becomes apparent (see my article: Falling In Love With the Fantasy Rather Than the Reality).

As previously mentioned, they also unknowingly bring emotional baggage from the prior relationship into the current relationship because they haven't mourned the end of that relationship or learned from it.  They have just gone on to the next person without dealing with the loss.

Since people who go directly from one relationship to the next haven't mourned the loss of the last relationship, they're often mentally preoccupied with the last person--without even realizing it.  It can be annoying and frustrating for the new person to keep hearing about an ex.

In addition, since serial monogamists often haven't grown psychologically because they're uncomfortable with being alone and they're so emotionally dependent on others, two people who are serial monogamists bring a level of immaturity into the relationship.  Not only do they not grow as individuals, but the relationship often doesn't grow, so it can feel stagnant and boring after a while.

On the other hand, if you're someone who likes to take their time to date and get to know someone, you're probably going to feel pressured by a serial monogamist who wants a commitment immediately--often during what's usually considered the dating phase.  In fact, there might not be a dating phase in the mind of a serial monogamist.

Also, since someone who tends to be a serial monogamist doesn't like to be alone, you might find this person to be emotionally and physically clingy, especially if you're someone who likes their alone or down time.  It might be possible for the two of you to negotiate this time together versus time apart, but this is usually a challenge for both people (see my article: Relationships: Time Together vs Time Apart).

If you're someone who needs to have other important relationships or time to indulge in other interests or hobbies, you might feel pressured by a serial monogamist who wants most, if not all, of your time.  Often, these relationships don't work out in the long run because one person feels s/he isn't getting enough of the partner's time and the other person feels stifled (see my article: Relationships: Your Spouse Can't Meet All Your Needs).

There is no right or wrong here.  It really depends on what you want from a relationship.

I'll continue discussing the issue of serial monogamy in my next article with an example of this type of relationship (see my article: Understanding Serial Monogamists - Part 2).

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Therapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

I am currently providing teletherapy, which is also known as online therapy, telemental health or telehealth (see my article: The Advantages of Online Therapy).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.